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INTRODUCTION
From time immemorial a brilliant wit has been
regarded by his less splendidly endowed fellows
as an uncrowned king. He is raised to a seat
among the elect, and posterity continues to re-
peat the bright and keen sayings of him who,
mayhap, has been dust for ages. The influence
of such men has been immense, whether for good
or evil, and it is perhaps fortunate that the gift
of ready retort has been granted to but few.
The war of words is unending, and, like the
knights of old who were always armed cap-a-pie
and ready to break a lance on any occasion, so
the brilliant mind is always on the alert, ready
to tilt with friend or foe, and woe to the one giv-
ing an opening for cut or thrust. To be able to
seize on the instant the wordy weapon of a rival,
and, by the apt twisting of one of his own
phrases, or, by the merest change in one of his
own expressions, to so alter the whole tenor of his
remark as to ward off his attempted ridicule and
turn the laugh against him, — this is Wit.
Any fool, given time and topic, can, by labori-
ous effort and much travail, whittle out some-
thing that might pass as a witticism. But onty
the most brilliant minds can, on the spur of the
3
4 INTRODUCTION
moment, skirting the aggressor's prepared pit of
ridicule, turn his badinage against himself and
lead him to his own undoing.
How easy it would be for all to be witty to-
morrow or the day after, if the occasion would
only wait.
There is no weapon more feared by man than
ridicule, and no wounds are deeper and heal more
slowly than those caused by the tongue. Vol-
taire was more feared than any man in Europe
on account of his caustic wit and cutting tongue.
Point out a man capable of coining a real jeu
d'esprit, and you will have before you the pos-
sessor of a brilliant mind : it matters not whether
he be educated or uneducated, prince or peasant,
billionaire or beggar, the mind rises superior to
adversity and shines with no uncertain lustre.
Many witticisms have their origin from the
lowliest sources, but only the brilliant mind is
capable of a genuine bon-mot.
To draw the line between wit and vulgarity
requires the nicest discrimination. Only too
often the line is overstepped, and what is in-
tended for wit descends to vulgarity and ob-
scenity.
To such men as Fox, Curran, Supple, Parr,
Parson, and a host of others, we are under last-
ing obligations for their legacy of brilliant rep-
artee, witty sa}'ings and inimitable bon-mots.
The jests contained in these volumes were com-
piled by the versatile John Mottley in 1739. and
were published under the title Joe Miller's
INTRODUCTION 5
Jvst Book. They form a complete collection
of the facetiae of those times.
This old Jest Book, popular for so many
years, is now extremely rare in its original form.
This scarcity is due greatly to the fact that num-
berless copies have been literally " thumbed out
of existence." From the ashes of the past this
famous book is now resurrected and once again
brought to general notice, in full confidence that
like another Phoenix, tried by the fire of time,
it will renew its youth and afford the same pleas-
ure and profit to the readers of to-day that it
did to those of long ago.
Those who are well acquainted with the hu-
mourous literature of other countries as well as
that of our own, must confess that if our jest
books, both ancient and modern, were stripped of
all that is borrowed, the number of jokes we
could really claim would be small indeed. Per-
haps the best joke in the whole book is in its
name, Joe Miller's Jest Book. Joe Miller
(1&4&-1738) was a comedian of the most tad-
^ turn disposition, and it is a well authenticated
fact that he was never known to originate a jest
or utter a bon-mot; and yet we have the strange
anomaly of a man so little given to humour,
fathering the most popular jest book ever pub-
lished, and being the reputed author of every
bon-mot of past generations.
Gathered from all corners of the globe within
these covers, the reader will find the wittiest say-
ings, the most brilliant jests and the subtlest
6 INTRODUCTION
repartee of the men who have made history. In
the two volumes herewith presented without
abridgment, and with no additions, the reader
will find a reprint of the best edition in existence
of this old book.
In its hundred or more years of popularity,
an index has never before been attempted, and
in the preparation of one for this edition, no
pains have been spared to classify the jests so
that they can be readily referred to. It has been
found necessary to index a number of para-
graphs under the head of " Miscellaneous," as
there was nothing distinctive in them under
which they could be classified.
No reader can open these pages without find-
ing something to instruct, much to interest and
more to amuse him. He will be surprised at the
number of jests which, decked out in new ap-
parel, have only recently been dished up to him
as something entirely original, and before he has
reached the end of these volumes he will be very
much of the opinion that
" There is nothing new under the sun."
Andrew G. Dickinson, Jr.
PREFACE
A Celebrated comedian has lately furnished
the public with an account of the origin of Joe
Miller's Jest Book, which, as it is not gener-
ally known, may not be unacceptable to the read-
ers of the present volume. He states " that Joe
Miller, who has fathered our jests for the last
half century, never uttered a jest in his life.
Though an excellent comic actor, he was the most
taciturn and saturnine man breathing. He was
in the daily habit of spending his afternoons at
the Black Jack, a well-known public house in
Portugal Street, Clare Market, which was at that
time frequented by most of the respectable
tradesmen in the neighbourhood, who, from Joe's
imperturbable gravity, whenever any risible say-
ing was recounted, derisively ascribed it to him.
After his death,* having left his family unpro-
vided for, advantage was taken of this badin-
age. A Mr. Mottley, a well-known dramatist of
that day, was employed to collect all the stray
jests, then current on town. Joe Miller's name
* His remains were interred on the east side of the
burial ground of St. Clements Danes, in Portugal
Street, Clare Market ; where a stone still marks the
spot, and commemorates his virtues.
. 7
8 PREFACE
was prefixed to them, and from that day to this,
the man who never uttered a jest has been the re-
puted author of every jest, past, present, and to
come." The original edition of Joe Miller is
the basis of the present publication : and no pains
have been spared to render the copious additions
now made to that celebrated Collection of Jests
equally attractive. The brilliant sayings of the
sages of antiquity, and the polished wit and
broad humour of modern times, have alike con-
tributed to enliven our pages. Numerous pub-
lications have been examined for this purpose;
and many flashes of the lightning of speech con-
ducted from the circles which they originally
brightened.
Upon examining the remarkable anecdotes
which are interspersed throughout the volume, it
will be found that they owe their admission to the
power they possess of conferring amusement as
well as information.
We are aware that a jest may please one,
which displeases another ; make one laugh, while
another keeps his countenance ; that the wit may
in one respect seem fine, in another mean: for a
jest lias various perfections, which are not al-
ways found united ; and different readers may
consider the same story from different points of
view. Though we cannot, in every instance,
hope to please all, yet we have endeavoured to
ward off censure, by carefully distinguishing
true and genuine wit from that which is false
and spurious.
TREFACE 9
But in such a vast variety of subjects, the most
fastidious, we are persuaded, will find much to
excite his mirth, and to enrich his mind; while
the lover of real humour will discover in every
page an ample fund of entertainment.
JOE MILLER
1. — When William Penn the Quaker was
brought before the Lord Mayor and Recorder
for preaching, he insisted upon knowing what
law he had broken — to which simple question the
Recorder was reduced to answer " that he was an
impertinent fellow, — and that many had studied
thirty or forty years to understand the law, which
he was for having expounded in a moment." The
learned controversialist, however, was not to be
silenced so easily ; — he quoted Lord Coke and
Magna Charta on his antagonist in a moment,
and chastised his insolence by one of the best and
most characteristic repartees that we recollect
ever to have met with — " I tell you to be silent,"
cried the Recorder in a great passion, " if we
should suffer you to ask questions till to-morrow
morning you would be never the wiser." —
" That," replied the Quaker, with immovable
tranquillity, " that is according as the answers
are." — " Take him away, take him away," ex-
claimed the Mayor and Recorder in a breath,
" turn him into the Bail Dock."
2. — When Sir Richard Steele was fitting
up his great room in York Buildings, which he
intended for public orations, he happened at a
11
12 JOE MILLER
time to be pretty much behind-hand with his
workmen, and coming one day among them, to
see how they went forward, ordered one of them
to get into the rostrum, and make a speech, that
he might observe how it could be heard ; the fel-
low mounting, and scratching his pate, told him,
he knew not what to say, for in truth he was no
orator. " Oh ! " said the knight, " no matter for
that, speak any thing that comes uppermost." —
" Why here, Sir Richard," says the fellow, " we
have been working for you these six weeks, and
cannot get one penny of money : pray, Sir, when
do you design to pay us? " " Very well, very
well," said Sir Richard, " pray come down, I
have heard enough ; I cannot but own you speak
very distinctly, though I don't admire your sub-
ject."
3.— My Lord Craven, in King James the
First's reign, was very desirous to see Ben Jon-
son, which being told to Ben, he went to my
Lord's house ; but being in a very tattered con-
dition, as poets sometimes are, the porter refused
him admittance, with some saucy language, which
the other did not fail to return. My Lord, hap-
pening to come out while they were wrangling,
asked the occasion of it? Ben, who stood in need
of nobody to speak for him, said he understood
his Lordship desired to see him. " You, friend,"
said my Lord, "who are you?" — "Ben Jon-
son," replied the other. " No, No," quoth my
Lord, " you cannot be Ben Jonson, who wrote
the Silent Woman : you look as if you could not
JOE MILLER 1(3
say bo to a goose." — " Bo," cried Ben. "Very
well," said my Lord, who was better pleased at
the joke than offended at the affront, " I am
now convinced, by your wit, you are Ben Jon-
son."
4. — Mr. Bethel, an Irish barrister, when the
question of the Union was in debate, and all the
junior barristers published pamphlets upon the
subject, thought fit to contribute his mite to the
investigation, and take a literary shot at the sub-
ject, after above fifty other pamphlets had al-
ready appeared; which, of course contained
nothing very new upon the topic. Some days
after its appearance, Mr. Lysaght met this pam-
phleteer in the hall of the Four Courts, and, in
a friendly way, said " Zounds ! Bethel, I wonder
you never told me you had published a pamphlet
on the Union : I never saw it till yesterday, by
mere accident." — " Well ! and how did you like
it? " asked the author, with a smirk of eager cu-
riosity. " Like it ! " said Lysaght ; " the one I
saw contained some of the best things I have yet
seen in any pamphlet upon the subject." — " I'm
very proud you think so," said the other, rub-
bing his hands with satisfaction ; " and, pray,
what are the things that pleased you so much? "
— " Why," replied Lysaght, " as I passed by a
pastry-cook's shop this morning, I saw a girl
come out with three hot mince-pies wrapped up
in a sheet of your work, and that is more than I
can say for any performance of vour competi-
tors."
14 JOE MILLER
5. — The Late Counsellor Caedbeck, of
the Irish Bar, who drudged in his profession till
he was near eighty, being a King's Counsel, fre-
quently went circuit as Judge of Assize when any
of the twelve judges was prevented by illness.
On one of those occasions, a fellow was convicted
before him at Wexford for bigamy ; and when
the learned counsel came to pass sentence, after
lecturing the fellow pretty roundly upon the
nature of his uxorious crime, added, " The only
punishment which the law authorises me to in-
flict is, that you be transported to parts beyond
the seas for the term of seven years; but if I
had my will, you should not escape with so mild
a punishment, for I would sentence you for the
term of your natural life — to live in the same
house with both your wives."
6. — When Garrick was last at Paris, Pre-
ville, the celebrated French actor, invited him to
his villa. Our Roscius being in a gay humour,
proposed to go in one of the hired coaches that
regularly ply between Paris and Versailles, on
which road Preville's villa was situated. When
they got in, Garrick ordered the coachman to
drive on ; but the fellow answered that he would
do so as soon as he had got his complement of
four passengers. A caprice immediately seized
Garrick : he determined to give his brother
player a specimen of his art. While the coach-
man was attentively looking out for passengers,
Garrick slipped out at the door, went round the
coach, and by his wonderful command of coun-
JOE MILLER 15
tcnance, a power which he so happily displayed
in Abel Drugger, palmed himself upon the
coachman as a stranger. This he did twice, and
was admitted each time into the coach as a fresh
passenger, to the astonishment and admiration
of Preville. Garrick whipped out a third time,
and addressing himself to the coachman, was an-
swered in a surly tone, " that he had already got
his complement," and would have driven off with-
out him, had not Preville called out, that as the
stranger appeared to be a very little man, they
would, to accommodate the gentleman, contrive
to make room for him.
7. — Mr. Curran, that celebrated advocate,
possessed perhaps a greater influence over the
feelings of his auditory than any other professor
of forensic eloquence ever did, and has been fre-
quently known, by the pathetic force of his ora-
tory, and the inexhaustible fund of his wit and
resistless humour, to keep the j uries whom he ad-
dressed, alternately in tears and laughter during
the course of trial; and yet, like other great
wits, he has been frequently put down by an un-
expected repartee from the most simple of those
witnesses whom he endeavoured to badger by
cross-examination. In an important cause, where
a country schoolmaster, named Lily, was a prin-
cipal witness, and had given his direct testimony
with all due gravity, arrayed in all the graces of
syntax and prosody, Mr. Curran proceeded to
cross-examine the witness, and began, w T ith a
familiar nod and an arch look, in the first sen-
16 JOE MILLER
tence of Cordery's Colloquies, " Salve Claudi."
The schoolmaster immediately answered, " Sis tu
quoque salvus Bemarde:" This unexpected an
swer completely disarmed the barrister, and pro-
duced a general laugh at his expense.
8. — Perhaps in no senate, ancient or modern,
did the cacoethes loquendi more inveterately pre-
vail than in the parliament of Ireland. The
speaking members of that parliament were prin-
cipally gentlemen at the bar, or those who had
been educated " to wage the wordy war " in that
profession. Everything was debated, from a
turnpike bill to the most important statute ; and
the question rarely went to a division, until every
orator, on each side of the house, had a speech at
it. A question once came forward, in which it
became necessary for the clerk to read a series of
voluminous documents, adequate in quantity to a
ponderous quarto ; and the forces on both sides,
in full muster, were eager for action; but felt
that, if these documents were read through, there
would be no opportunity for discussion on that
night. This difficulty produced a minor debate,
which was on the point of splitting into half a
dozen others, when Sir Boyle Roache, eminent
for his proficiency in a peculiar species of Irish
rhetoric, rose in his place, and said, " Mister
Spaaker, if the house will only hear me, I think
I can put an ind to all the difftquilty about read-
ing all them rig-me-rowl documents. I don't see
the use of reading them at all at all ; for nobody
will attmd to them, if they be read: but, how-
JOE MILLER 17
somever, if they must be read, we have only to
call in all the committee clerks of the house, and
let each of 'cm take a document, and they can all
read together. ' Many hands make light work ; '
and they'll get through all of them in a couple of
hours." This ingenious project of the worthy
baronet, though it excited immoderate laughter,
was not adopted.
9. — A Methodist Preacher, who was also a
master-builder, felt no inconsiderable share of
vanity in his talent for polemical controversy.
He one day attacked the late Father O'Leary
upon the celibacy of the Catholic priesthood, and
asked him how it came that he and his clergy re-
jected the divine precept, " increase and multi-
ply; " thus refusing to co-operate by contribut-
ing their part to the great structure of society.
" Pray, friend," answered the sacerdotal wit,
" are you not a master-builder? " — " Yes," an-
swered the Methodist. — " I suppose, then," re-
joined the priest, "you act as your own brick-
layer, stonemason, smith, carpenter, slater, and
painter."—" Oh ! no," said the Methodist, " I
never meddle with hammer, trowel, or brush; I
set others to work, and only superintend them."
" 'Tis just so with us," added the priest, " in the
great building of society ; we set blockheads like
you to work, never meddling with the tools our-
selves, but merely superintend the business."
10. — A Native of one of the Hebrides being
joked about the smallness of his island, the most
centrical place not being four miles from the sea,
18 JOE MILLER
an Irishman in company joined in the laugh, ex-
ultingly swearing, " that no part of old Ireland
was half so near it."
11. — A Right Reverend Prelate, himself
a man of extreme good nature, was frequently
much vexed in the spirit, by the proud, froward,
perverse, and untractable temper of his next
vicar. The latter, after an absence much longer
than usual, one day paid a visit to the bishop,
who kindly inquired the cause of his absence, and
was answered by the vicar, that he had been con-
fined to his house for some time past by an obsti-
nate stiffness in his knee. " I am glad of that,"
replied the prelate, " 'tis a good symptom that
the disorder has changed place, for I had a long
time thought it immovably settled in your
NECK."
IS. — When Lieutenant O'Brien (who was
called Skyrocket Jack) was blown up at Spit-
head, in the Edgar, he was on the carriage of a
gun, and when brought to the admiral, all black
and wet, he said with pleasantry, " I hope, Sir,
you will excuse my dirty appearance, for I came
out of the ship in so great a hurry, that I had
not time to shift myself."
13. — Two Sailors, the one Irish, the other
English, agreed reciprocally to take care of each
other, in case of either being wounded in an ac-
tion then about to commence. It was not long
before the Englishman's leg was shot off by a
cannon-ball; and on asking Paddy to carry him
to the doctor, according to their agreement, the
JOE MILLER 19
other^vcry readily complied; but had scarcely
got his wounded companion on his back when a
second ball struck off the poor fellow's head.
Paddy, through the noise and bustle, had not
perceived his friend's last misfortune, but con-
tinued to make the best of his way to the surgeon.
An officer observing him with his headless trunk,
asked him where he was going? " To the doctor,"
says Paddy. — " The doctor ! " says the officer,
" why, blockhead, the man has lost his head."
On hearing this, he flung the body from his
shoulders, and looking at it very attentively,
" By my own soul," says he, " he told me it was
his leg, but I was a fool to believe him, for he
was always a great liar."
14. — An Irish Gentleman being at Epsom
races, and observing in the list of horses that
started for the plate one called Botheram, took
such a fancy to the name, that he betted consid-
erable odds in his favour. Towards the conclu-
sion of the race, his favourite was unluckily in
the rear, on which he vociferated in so loud a
key, as to drown every other voice, " Ah, my lads,
there he goes, — Botheram for ever ! see how he
drives them all befor'e him! Botheram for
ever ! "
15. — Swift had some whimsical contrivances
to punish his servants for disobedience of orders.
The hiring of his maid-servants he left to his
housekeeper, and that ceremony over, acquainted
them that he had but two commands to give them,
20 JOE MILLER
■ — one was to shut the door, whenever they came
into a room; the other, to shut the door after
them whenever they went out of a room. One of
these maid-servants came to him one day, and re-
quested permission to go to her sister's wedding,
which was to be on that day, at a place distant
about ten miles from Dublin. Swift not only
consented, but said he would lend her one of his
own horses with a servant to ride before her, and
gave her directions accordingly. The maid, in
her joy for this favour, forgot to shut the door
when she left the room. In about a quarter of
an hour after she was gone, the dean ordered a
servant to saddle another horse, and make all the
speed he could to overtake them, and oblige them
to return back immediately. They had not got
more than half way, when he came up with them,
and told them the dean's positive commands ;
with which, however reluctantly, the poor girl
was obliged to comply. She came into his pres-
ence with the most mortified countenance, and
begged to know his honour's commands. " Only
to shut the door after you," was the reply ; but
not to carry the punishment too far, he then per-
mitted her to resume her journey.
16. — There was nothing Swift more disliked
than being troubled with applications from au-
thors to correct their works, and he generally had
some whimsical contrivance to make them repent
of this, which being told, might deter others from
the like. A poor poet having written a very in-
different tragedy, got himself introduced to the
JOE MILLER 21
Dean in order to have his opinion of it ; and in
about a fortnight after, called at the deanery.
Swift returned the play, carefully folded up,
telling him he had read it, and taken some pains
with it, and he believed the author would not find
above half the number of faults that it had when
it came to his hand. The poor author, after a
thousand acknowledgments, retired in company
with the gentleman who had introduced him, and
was so impatient to see the corrections, that he
stopped under the first gateway they came to,
and to his utter astonishment and confusion, saw
that the dean had taken the pains to blot out
every second line throughout the whole play, so
carefully as to render them quite illegible.
17. — Two Irishmen, who had left the banks
of the Shannon at the same time, once meeting
in the streets of London, after the usual con-
gratulations, inquired into each other's situation,
and one of them said he had been so lucky as to
be appointed Master of the Horse ; and " pray,
Patrick, what are you?" — "Why, I have been
still more fortunate, for I am Under Secretary of
State." — " The devil you are ! but how so, Pat,
when you can neither read nor write? " — " O
faith, let me alone for that ; my master is a coal-
merchant, and I keep the tally, and chalk up the
numbers of the sacks as they pass under the gate-
way. Pray, Terence, how* are you Master of the
Horse? " — " Why, I am Assistant to the Assist-
ant of the Hostler at the Golden-Cross, Char-
ing-Cross, my dear."
<&% JOE MILLER
18. — The Servant of a naval commander,
an Irishman, one day let a tea-kettle fall into
the sea, upon which he ran to his master, " Arrah,
an plase your honour, can anything be said to
be lost, when you know where it is? " — " Cer-
tainly not," replied the officer. — " Why then, by
my soul, and St. Patrick, the tea-kettle is at the
bottom of the sea."
19. — An Irishman who was sent on board of
ship, and who believed in ghosts, inquired of his
mess-mates if the ship was haunted. " As full
of ghosts as a church-yard," replied they, " they
are ten thousand strong every night." This so
terrified Pat, that whenever he turned into his
hammock, he pulled his blanket over his head and
face, so that from his knees downwards he was
always naked and cold. — " That there purser's
a terrible rogue ! He serves out blankets that
don't fit a man ; they are too long at top, and too
short at bottom, for they cover my head and ears,
and my feet are always perished with cold. I
have cut several slices off the top, and sewed
on the bottom, and the devil a bit longer is
it."
20. — A Clergyman was reading the burial
service over an Irish corpse, and having forgot
which sex it was, on coming to that part of the
ceremony which reads thus, " our dear brother
or sister," the reverend gentleman stopped, and
seeing Pat stand by, stepped back, and whisper-
ing to him, said, " Is it a brother or a sister? "
JOE MILLER 23
Pat says, " Friend, 'tis neither, 'tis only a rela-
tion." •
21. — An Irish Patient of some distinction,
that was teasing Peter Pindar with his symptoms,
and who had nothing scarcely to complain of,
told him, he had frequently an itching, and
begged to know what he should do. " Scratch
yourself, Sir," replied Peter; which laconic ad-
vice lost him his patient.
22. — Two Irish Labouring Bricklayers
were working at some houses near Russell Square,
and one of them was boasting of the steadiness
with which he could carry a load to any height
that, might be required. The other contested the
point, and the conversation ended in a bet that he
could not carry him in his hod up a ladder to the
top of the building. The experiment was made :
Pat placed himself in the hod, and his comrade,
after a great deal of care and exertion, succeeded
in taking him up and bringing him down safely.
Without any reflection on the danger he had es-
caped, observing to the winner, " To be sure, I
have lost; but don't you remember, about the
third story you made a slip — I was then in
hopes"
23. — A Gentleman once appeared in tl*e
Court of King's Bench as surety for a friend
in the sum of three thousand pounds; Serjeant
Davy, though he well knew the responsibility of
the gentleman, could not help his customary im-
pertinence. " Well, Sir, how do you make your-
24 JOE MiLLER
self to be worth three thousand pounds? " The
gentleman very deliberately specified the particu-
lars up to two thousand nine hundred and forty
pounds. " Aye," says Davy, " that is not enough
by sixty." — " For that sum," replied the other,
" I have a note of hand of one Serjeant Davy,
and I hope he will have the honesty soon to dis-
charge it." This set the court in a roar; the
Serjeant was for once abashed, and Lord Mans-
field said, " Well, brother, I think we may accept
the bail."
24. — An Irishman, swearing the peace
against his three sons, thus concluded his affida-
vit : " And this deponent further saith, that the
only one of his children who showed him any
real filial affection was his youngest son Larry,
for he never struck him when he was down! "
25. — A Farm was lately advertised in a news-
paper, in which all the beauty of the situation,
fertility of the soil, and salubrity of the air, were
detailed in the richest glow of rural description,
which was farther enhanced with this — N. B.
There is not an Attorney within fifteen miles of
the neighbourhood.
26. — When Lord Chief Justice Hoet was
once on the Western circuit, a man was brought
before him, and tried, cast, and condemned for a
highway robbery. Being after this remanded to
the town gaol, he most earnestly requested to
have a private interview with the judge. Holt,
thinking he might have something of importance
to communicate respecting his accomplices, went
JOE MILLER 25
to him in the prison, when the man, prefacing
his speccli, with saying, lie felt some embarrass-
ment at claiming acquaintance with him in such
a situation, said, " Sir, my real name is Smith,
and I had the honour of being at college the same
time that you were. Such a circumstance I think
you must remember." — " Indeed I do," said the
Lord Chief Justice, " and now I see some remains
of your face. — Pray what is become of our old
companions, Tom, Dick, and Harry? " — " They
are all hanged except you and I," said the poor
man with a deep sigh. — " Oh, are they? " said
the judge, " Why then I must try to get you a
reprieve, that's all; it may else be said, all our
college, except myself, were exalted from the bar
to the gallows."
27. — An Officer had the misfortune to be se-
verely wounded, in an engagement in the Ameri-
can war. As he lay on the field, an unfortunate
near him, who was also badly wounded, gave
vent to his agony in dreadful howls, which so
irritated the officer, who bore his own in silence,
that he exclaimed, " D — n your eyes, what do
you make such a noise for? Do } t ou think no-
body is killed but yourself? "
28. — A Gentleman who had an Irish servant,
having stopped at an inn for several days, de-
sired, previous to his departure, to have a bill ;
which being brought, he found a large quantity
of port placed to his servant's account, and ques-
tioned him about having had so many bottles of
wine. " Please your honour," cried Pat, " to
26 JOE MILLER
read how many they charge me." The gentle-
man began, " One bottle port, one ditto, one dit-
to, one ditto.'" — " Stop, stop, stop, master," ex-
claimed Paddy, " they are cheating you. I know
I had some bottles of their port, but, by Jasus, I
did not taste a drop of their ditto."
29. — A Mr. Johnstone having been lost in
the dreadful conflagration of the Theatre-Royal,
Covent-Garden, Mr. John Johnstone, of Drury-
Lane, received a letter from an Irish friend, re-
questing to know by the return of post, if it was
he that was really burned or not.
30. — An Irish Counsellor having lost his
cause, which had been tried before three judges,
one of whom was esteemed a very able lawyer,
and the other two but indifferent, some of the
other barristers were very merry on the occasion.
" Well, now," says he, " at any rate it was a bad
cause, and I have lost no great things by it. —
But who the devil could help it, when there were
an hundred judges on the bench? " — " An hun-
dred? " said a stander-by, "there were but
three." — " By Jove," replied he, " there were
one and two cyphers."
31. — An Irish Gentleman called at the Gen-
eral Post-Office, and inquired whether there were
any letters for him ; the clerk asked for his ad-
dress. — " Oh ! " said he, " sure you will find it
on the back of the letter! "
A circumstance somewhat similar occurred a
few years ago, when a gentleman inquired for
JOE MILLER n
any letter for him. The clerk asked his name ;
he replied, " What the devil makes you so im-
pertinent as to ask any gentleman's name? Give
me my letter, that's all you have to do ! "
32. — An Irish Labourer being told that the
price of bread had been lowered, exclaimed,
" This is the first time I ever rejoiced at the fall
of my best friend."
33. — An Honest Hibernian Tar, a great fa-
vourite with the gallant Nelson, used to pray in
these words every night when he went to his ham-
mock : — " God be thanked, I never killed any
man, nor no man ever killed me ; God bless the
world, and success to the British navy."
34. — An Irish Officer who had returned
from the late expedition to Buenos Ayres, was
entertaining a large company at dinner with a
history of his exploits, and the wonders he had
seen; and among other strange sights he men-
tioned that he had seen five acres of anchovies
growing. This no doubt surprised the company
greatly, one of whom said, he had never in his
life heard of anchovies growing before. As this
remark insinuated a doubt of the narrator's ve-
racity, he was instantly desired to turn out and
explain. The parties accordingly went to the
ground, and after exchanging a cool brace, the
Hibernian exclaimed : " Och, by J s, I beg
your pardon, it was five acres of capers I meant."
35. — During the American war, whilst Col-
onel Burgoyne commanded in Cork, he saw a
28 JOE MILLER
corpulent soldier among the spectators on the
parade, whom he addressed as follows : — " Who
are you, Sir? you must be drilled twice a day to
bring down your corporation. Who are you,
Sir ! " — " Please your honour," replied Pat, " I
am, Sir, the skeleton of the 5th regiment of foot,
who has just marched over from America." The
fact was so, for such was the carnage of the dis-
astrous war, that only this fat soldier and Cap-
tain Webb returned to Europe, out of a full reg-
iment that landed in America.
36. — An Irish Footman having carried a
basket of game from his master to a friend,
waited a considerable time for the customary fee,
but not finding it likely to appear, scratched his
head, and said, " Sir, if my master should say,
Paddy, what did the gentleman give you, what
would your honour have me to tell him? "
37. — An Irishman, on board a man of war,
was desired by his messmates to go down and
fetch a can of small-beer ; Teague, knowing that
preparations were making to sail, absolutely re-
fused. " Arrah, my soul," said he, " and so
when I am gone into the cellar to fetch beer, the
ship will sail away and leave me behind."
38. — An Irish Clergyman having gone to
visit the portraits of the Scottish kings in Holy-
rood House, observed one of the monarchs of a
very youthful appearance, while his son was de-
picted with a long beard, and wore the traits of
extreme old age. " Sancta Maria," exclaimed
JOE MILLER 29
the good Hibernian, " is it possible that this gen-
tleman was an old man when his father was
born! ! ! "
39. — An Irish Gentleman, perceiving that
one of the great branches of an apple tree in his
garden had been by some accident entirely blast-
ed, was determined to lop it off. To effectuate his
purpose, the shrewd son of St. Patrick mounted
the tree, and got across the withered branch, and
began very deliberately to saw off betwixt him-
self and the main "trunk. The withered branch,
being nearly cut through, gave way, and down
tumbled the gallant Hibernian, not a little stun-
ned by the fall, and considerably bruised by the
weight of the incumbent branches, but still more
astonished at the mystery of this inexplicable
accident!
40. — An Irishman being asked which was old-
est, he or his brother, " I am eldest," said he,
" but if my brother lives three years longer, we
shall be both of an age."
41. — A Fellow walking through the Old
Bailey, at the time of execution, when an Irish-
man was at the point of being turned off, inhu-
manly bawled out : " Are you there, I always
said you would come to be hanged ! " — " You're
a liar," replied Pat, " if it was the last word I
had to say ! I did not come, I was brought"
42.— A Gentleman crossing the water lately
below Limehouse, and wanting to learn the price
of coals in the pool, hailed one of the labourers
30 JOE MILLER
at work in a tier of colliers, with " Well, Padd} T ,
how are coals? " — " Black as ever, yo\ir honour,"
replied the Irishman.
43. — An English Labourer in Cheshire at-
tempting to drown himself, an Irish reaper, who
saw him go into the water, leaped after him,
and brought him safe to shore. The fellow
attempting it a second time, the reaper a
second time got him out ; but the labourer
being determined to destroy himself, watched
an opportunity and hanged himself behind
the barn door. The Irishman observed him,
but never offered to cut him down ; when several
hours afterward, the master of the farm yard
asked him, upon what ground he had suffered the
poor fellow to hang there? "Faith," replied
Patrick, " I don't know what you mean by
ground: I know I was so good to him that I
fetched him out of the water two times — and I
know, too, he was wet through every rag, and I
thought, he hung himself up to dry, and you,
know, I could have no right to prevent him."
44. — A Gentleman describing a person who
often visited him for the sole purpose of having
a long gossip, called him Mr. Jones the stay-
maker.
45. — Dr. Sheridan, the celebrated friend of
Swift, had a custom of ringing his scholars to
prayers, in the school-room, at a certain hour
every day. The bo} T s were one day very devoutly
at praj^ers, except one, who was stifling a laugh
JOE MILLER 31
as well as he could ; which arose from seeing a
rat descending from the bell-rope in the room.
The poor boy could hold out no longer, but burst
into an immoderate fit of laughter, which set the
others a-going, when he pointed to the cause.
Sheridan was so provoked that he declared he
would whip them all if the principal culprit was
not pointed out to him, which was immediately
done. The poor pupil of Momus was immedi-
ately hoisted, and his posteriors laid bare to the
rod ; when the witty schoolmaster told him, if he
said anything tolerable on the occasion, as he
looked on the boy as the greatest dunce in the
school, he would forgive him. The trembling
culprit, with very little hesitation, addressed his
master with the following beautiful distich:
There was a rat, for want of stairs,
Came down a rope — to go to prayers.
Sheridan instantly dropped the rod, and in-
stead of a whipping gave him half a crown.
46. — A Gentleman having engaged to fight
a main of cocks, directed his feeder in the coun-
try, who was a Son on the Sod, to pick out two of
the best, and bring them to town. Paddy having
made his selection, put the two cocks together in
a bag, and brought them with him in the mail-
coach. When they arrived, it was found upon
their journey they had almost torn each other to
pieces ; on which Paddy was severely taken to
task for lus stupidity, in putting both cocks into
32 JOE MILLER
one bag. " Indeed," said the honest Hibernian,
" I thought there was no risk of their falling out,
as they were going to fight on the same side.' 5
47. — In The Late Irish Rebellion, J. C.
Beresford, Esq., a banker, and Member for Dub-
lin, rendered himself so very obnoxious to the
rebels, in consequence of his vigilance in bring-
ing them to punishment, that whenever they
found any of his bank-notes in plundering a
house, the general cry was : " By Jasus ! we'll
ruin the rascal! we'll destroy every note of his
we can find ; " and they actually destroyed, it is
supposed, upwards of 20,000Z. of his notes dur-
ing the rebellion.
48. — Two Irishmen went a little way into the
country, to see some of their friends, and drink-
ing too freely, they were much in liquor. Their
friends would fain have persuaded them to stay
all night, but they were determined to go home.
They set out accordingly ; but, before they had
got a mile, one of them took a reel, and fell
flounce into a ditch. The other hearing him
fall, called out, " Patrick, if you are dead till
me ! " — " No, honey," says Patrick, " I am not
dead, but I'm quite speechless."
49. — An Irish Baronet, walking out with a
gentleman, was met by his nurse, who requested
charity. The baronet exclaimed vehemently, " I
will give you nothing. You played me a scanda-
lous trick in my infancy." The old woman, in
amazement, asked him what injury she had done
JOE MILLER 33
to him? He answered, "I was a fine boy and
you changed me! "
50. — " I Will Save you a thousand pounds,"
says an Irishman to an old gentleman, " if you
don't stand in your own light." — "How?" — -
" You have a daughter, and you intend to give
her ten thousand as a marriage portion." — " I
do." — " Sir, I will take her with nine thousand."
51. — A Gentleman inquiring his way to the
chapel of a celebrated dissenting minister in the
vicinity of the metropolis, received the following
direction : " Go straight forward till you come
to the turnpike, then take the left hand road, and
you will presently arrive at a large building like
a church, and on the top of it you will see a
figure exactly resembling the reverend doctor
himself." — On arriving before the building, he
found it surmounted by a weathercock.
52. — Whilst living at Newstead, Lord Byron
once found a human skull, of large dimensions
and particular whiteness. He concluded that it
belonged to some "jolly old soul" of a friar,
who had beeen domesticated at Newstead, in the
good lazy days of popery ; and saw no harm in
turning the cranium of this second " Tuck " into
a drinking goblet. He accordingly sent it to
London, where it was carefully and elegantly
mounted. On its return to Newstead, he insti-
tuted a new order at the old Abbey, and con-
stituted himself Grand Master or Abbot of the
Skull. Black gowns were procured for the mem-
34 JOE MILLER
bers (twelve in number), the Grand Master's
being somewhat distinguished from the rest, and
at certain times a chapter was held. Upon these
occasions, the skull, being filled with claret, was
handed about amongst the gods of this consis-
tory, in imitation of the Goths of old, whilst
many a grim joke was cut at the expense of this
inspiring caput mortuum. The goblet is now in
the possession of Colonel Wyndham. The fol-
lowing lines were inscribed upon it by Byron : —
Start not — nor deem my spirit fled:
In me behold the only skull,
From which, unlike a living head,
Whatever flows is never dull.
I liv'd, I lov'd, I quaff 'd like thee:
I died; let earth my bones resign:
Fill up — thou can'st not injure me,
The worm hath fouler lips than thine.
Better to hold the sparkling grape,
Than nurse the earthworm's slimy brood,
And circle in the goblet's shape,
The drink of gods, than reptile's food.
Where once my wit perchance hath shone,
In aid of others let me shine;
And when, alas ! our brains are gone,
What nobler substitute than wine !
Quaff while thou can'st — another race,
When thou and thine like me are sped,
May rescue thee from earth's embrace,
And rhyme and revel with the dead.
Why not? since through life's little day
Our heads such sad effects produce,
Redeem'd from worms and wasting clay,
This chance is theirs — to be of use.
JOE MILLER 35
53. — " The Mortality among Byron's mis-
tresses," said the late Lady A — 11, " is really
alarming. I think he generally buries a first love
every fortnight." — " Madam," replied Curran,
the Irish barrister, " mistresses are not so mortal,
as everyone who has to deal with them unhap-
pily knows. The fact is, my Lord weeps for the
press, and wipes his eyes with the public."
54. — On Reading some lines in the newspa-
pers, addressed to Lady Holland, by the Earl of
Carlisle, persuading her to reject the box be-
queathed to her by Napoleon — beginning,
" Lady, reject the gift," &c.
Lord Byron immediately wrote the following
parody :
" Lady, accept the gift a hero wore,
In spite of all this elegiac stuff;
Let not seven stanzas written by a bore
Prevent your ladyship from taking snuff."
55. — The Hon. Mr. Skeffington had writ-
ten a tragedy, called " The Mysterious Bride,"
which was fairly damned on the first night. A
masquerade took place soon after this fatal catas-
trophe, to which went John Cam Hobhouse, as a
Spanish nun who had been ravished by the
French army, under the protection of Lord By-
ron. The Hon. Mr. Skeffington, compassionat-
ing the unfortunate young woman, asked, in a
very sentimental manner, at Byron, " Who 13
36 JOE MILLER
she? "— " The Mysterious Bride." This was a
rap on the teeth to the unfortunate author.
56. — On A Traveller lamenting that the
rocks of Meillerie, rendered sacred by Rousseau's
connecting them with the loves of St. Prieux and
Julie, should have been cut away to form a road,
Rocca replied, with true nationality, " La route
vant mieux que les souvenirs," — " a good road
is better than any recollections."
57. — The Courier bringing a letter from
England, in which the death of his old physician
Polidori was stated — Lord Byron remarked : " I
was convinced something very unpleasant hung
over me last night — I expected to hear that some-
body I knew was dead ; so it turns out — who can
help being superstitious? Scott believes in sec-
ond sight, Rousseau tried whether he would be
damned or not by aiming at a tree with a stone,
Goethe trusted to the chance of a knife striking
the water whether he was to succeed in some un-
dertaking." He might also have mentioned
Swift, who placed the success of his life on the
drawing a trout he had hooked out of the
water. Byron on another occasion observed,
" Several extraordinary things have happened
on my birth-day ; so they did to Napoleon ; and
a more wonderful circumstance still occurred to
Marie Antoinette. At my wedding, something
whispered me, that I was signing my death
warrant. At the last moment I would have re-
treated if I could have done so. I am a great
believer in presentiments. Socrates' demon was
JOE MILLER 37
no fiction ; Monk Lewis had his monitor, and
Bonaparte many warnings." Byron had also a
belief in unlucky days ; he once refused to be in-
troduced to a lady, because it was on a Friday
the introduction was to take place, that day hav-
ing been, for some reason or other, most inno-
cently cursed in the superstitious calendar. On
this same " ill-starred " day he would never pay
visits.
58. — Isaac Bickerstaff says, " One might
wear any passion out of a family by culture, as
skilful gardeners blot a colour out of a tulip that
hurts its beauty." To his uncle, who was very
superstitious, and fed crickets, Lord Byron as-
cribed his superstition; to another of his an-
cestors who died laughing, he ascribed his buoy-
ant spirits. Two of his ancestors also had such
a love for each other, that they both died almost
at the same moment. " There seems," he says,
" to have been some flaw in my escutcheon there,
or that loving couple have monopolised all the
connubial bliss of the family."
59. — Percy S , who made no secret of
his infidelity, and whose spirits it was thought
no danger could ever appal, was once in a dread-
ful storm off St. Fiorenzo, — there appeared no
chance of escape, and the horrors of approach-
ing death made him weep like a child. Those
names which he never before pronounced but in
ridicule, he now called upon in moving accents
of serious prayer, and implored the protection of
that Being, whose existence he affected to disbe-
38 JOE MILLER
lieve. The vessel, however, was miraculously
preserved from impending destruction, and when
the danger was over, Percy S- came from
his cabin like a spectre from the tomb. " Ah ! "
he exclaimed to a friend, " I have tasted so much
of the bitterness of death, that I shall in future
entertain doubts of my own creed." A glass of
rum and water, warm, raised his drooping spir-
its, and in twenty-four hours he was the same
free-thinking, thankless dog as ever; thus veri-
fying the old distich : —
" The devil was sick— the devil a monk would be —
The devil got well — the devil a monk was he."
60. — Lord Byron's valet (Mr. Fletcher),
whose taste, a little superior to that of most mod-
ern Greeks, looked to " elegant comforts," griev-
ously excited his master's ire, by observing, while
Byron was examining the remains of Athens: —
" La me, my Lord, what capital mantle-pieces
that there marble would make in England."
61. — Rogers, when a certain M.P. wrote a
review of his poems, and said he wrote very well
for a banker, wrote, in return, the following:
" They say he has no heart, and I deny it:
He has a heart, and — gets his speeches by it."
62. — Several Young Gentlemen, who were
very fond of private theatres, once got up a play
at Cambridge. On the day of representation
one of the performers took it into his head to
JOE MILLER 39
make an excuse, and his part was obliged to be
read. Hobhouse came forward to apologise to
the audience, and told them that a Mr. had
declined to perform his part, &c. The gentle-
man was highly indignant at the " a," and had a
great inclination to pick a quarrel with Scrope
Davies, who replied, that he supposed Mr.
wanted to be called the Mr. so and so. He ever
after went by the name of the " Definite Article."
63. — The Present Lord Chancellor re-
marked of a young barrister who had just made
a speech of more poetry than law, " Poor young
man, he has studied the wrong Phillips."
64. — A Frenchman, having a violent pain in
his breast and stomach, went to a physician for
relief. The doctor, inquiring where his trouble
lay, the Frenchman, with a dolorous accent, lay-
ing his hand on his breast, said, " Vy, sare, I have
one very bad pain in my portmanteau " (mean-
ing his chest).
65. — Several Boys who had been admiring
(in a print-shop window) the portrait of Paga-
nini, on turning from the object of their attrac-
tion, beheld, as they imagined, the original him-
self. They immediately exclaimed, " Here's
Paganini ! Here's Paganini ! " — a crowd instant-
ly collected — the figure, which bore a striking re-
semblance to the celebrated violinist, particularly
in the exuberance of his hair, commenced a re-
treat, and finally escaped in a hackney coach ;
but not until he had been recognised as a well-
40 JOE MILLER
known puipit orator. The effect of this incident
was evident on the following Sunday, when the
reverend gentleman appeared like Samson shorn
of his " boist'rous locks."
66. — According to a tradition in the Greek
church, it appears that the devil paid repeated
visits to Noah when he set about building the
ark, for the purpose of ascertaining by what
means and of what materials he constructed it.
But, the patriarch keeping his own counsel, as
enjoined from on high, Satan called in tobacco
to his aid, made poor Noah drunk with it, and in
this way wormed his secret from him. Thus
armed, the devil availed himself of the shade of
night, to undo what Noah had done by the light
of day ; and hence it arose that the building of
the ark extended over so long a period. Ever
since that time, saith the tradition, God has laid
a heavy curse on tobacco.
67. — While Reviewing his troops, Bona-
parte was one day suddenly accosted by an offi-
cer, who, stepping from the ranks, complained
that he had been five years a lieutenant, without
having received any promotion. The Emperor
coolly replied, " I was a lieutenant myself for
seven years, yet you see to what a man may rise
by perseverance ! "
68. — " What's The Matter? " inquired a
passer-by, observing a crowd collected around a
black fellow, whom an officer was attempting to
secure, to put on board an outward bound whale
JOE MILLER 41
ship from which he had deserted. " Matter !
matter enough," exclaimed the delinquent,
" pressing a poor negro to get oil."
69. — The Captain of a vessel just arrived in
the harbour of New York, directed one of the
crew, an Irishman, to throw the buoy overboard, n
He was then stepping into his cabin. On his re-
turn, the captain inquired if his order had been
obeyed. The Irishman, with great simplicity
replied, "" I could not catch the boy, but I threw
overboard the old cook."
70. — A Young Scotchman thus describes his
interview with a celebrated orator, to whom he
carried a letter of introduction. — " I found him
in his study, sitting on a sofa, apparently ab-
sorbed in meditation, his right leg thrown over
his left knee, with his right arm rigidly extended.
To this arm I advanced, making my best bow;
but I was favoured with no sign of recognition ;
no muscle moved, no fibre relaxed. A fear of
giving offence prevented me from speaking, and,
gently insinuating my letter between his fingers,
I retired to the door, which I held ready for my
retreat. After waiting about a quarter of an
hour in silent wonderment, he suddenly started
into life and activity — with a violent jerk threw
my letter unopened into a corner of the room —
stalked to the window — seized upon an unfortu-
nate wasp, (probably its first visit also) — and
crushed it to death. This second Polyphemus
now advanced to me with the mangled remains
42 JOE MILLER
of his victim between his finger and thumb, ex-
claiming in a voice of thunder, 6 Do you know,
Sir, why I have done that? ' ' No, Sir,' I re-
plied. ' To get rid of it — as I wish to get rid of
you,' was the response. It need scarcely be
added, that I threw the door wide open, and ran
down stairs, to avoid impending fate."
71. — While at the court of Bornou, in the in-
terior of Africa, nothing appears to have an-
noyed Major Denham so much as to be told he
was of the same faith as the Kerdies or savages,
little distinction being made between any who
denied the Koran. After a long discussion of
this question, he thought the validity of his rea-
soning would be admitted, when he could point
to a party of those wretches devouring a dead
horse, and appealed to Boo Khalloom, if he had
ever seen the English do the same: but to this,
which was not after all a very deep theological
argument, the Arab replied, " I know they eat
the flesh of swine, and God knows, that is worse."
— " Grant me patience ! " exclaimed I to myself,
" this is too much to bear and to remain .silent."
72. — The Late King George III., in his
walks about his farms, was often alone, and many
pleasant little incidents occurred on meeting with
rustics, to whom he was sometimes unknown.
One day he had to pass through a narrow hedge-
gate, on which sat a young clown, who showed no
readiness in moving. "Who are you, boy?"
said the king. " I be a pig boy," answered he.
JOE MILLER 43
" Where do you come from ? Who do you work
for here ? " — " I be from the low country ; out of
work at present." — " Don't they want lads
here?" said the king. "I doan't know," re-
joined the boy, " all belongs hereabouts to
Georgy." — " Pray," said his Majesty, " who is
Georgy? " — " He be the king, and lives at the
Castle, but he does no good to me." His Majesty
immediately gave orders at his farm hard by, to
have the boy employed ; and when he saw him,
told him to be a steady lad, and " Georgy "
might do some good for him.
73. — The Alleged Origin of the invention of
cards produced one of the shrewdest replies ever
given in evidence. It was made by the late Dr.
Gregory of Edinburgh, to a counsel of great
eminence at the Scottish Bar. The doctor's evi-
dence went to prove the insanity of the party
whose mental capacity was the point at issue.
On a cross interrogation he admitted that the
person in question played admirably at whist.
" And do you seriously say, Doctor," said the
learned counsel, " that a person having a supe-
rior capacity for a game so difficult, and which
requires, in a pre-eminent degree, memory,
judgment, and combination, can be at the same
time deranged in his understanding? " " I am
no card-player," said the doctor, with great ad-
dress, " but I have read in history, that cards
were invented for the amusement of an insane
king." The consequences of the reply were de-
cisive.
M JOE MILLER
74. — The Following Bill was actually
furnished to a citizen of Dublin, a few years ago :
Mr. Fullam, Esq.
Dr. to James Iiickard, Shoemaker.
£0 2 2
14
8
2
To clicking and sowiing Miss Mary . .
To strapping and welting Miss Sally . .
To binding and closing Miss Ellen . .
To putting a few stitches in Miss Charlotte
75. — A Seedsman being lately held to bail for
using inflammatory language respecting the Re-
form Bill, a wag observed, it was probably in the
line of his profession — to promote business, he
wished to sow sedition.
76. — In A Parish in Hertfordshire, a short
time since, the three following curiosities ap-
peared upon examining the parish accounts : One
of the overseers had made sixty-three weeks in the
year; an item in the other overseer's account
was for a sum of money paid towards the county
rats. This caused a good deal of laughter, in
which no one joined more heartily than the con-
stable, who immediately afterwards produced his
account, in which there was a charge for holding
a conquest on a man 'ounded.
77. — Liston, in his early career, was a fa-
vourite at Newcastle-upon-Tyne, and having ap-
plied to the manager for a remuneration equal
to the increased value of his services, he refused
the request, adding, " If you are dissatisfied you
are welcome to leave me; such actors as you, Sir,
are to be found in every bush." On the evening of
JOE MILLER 45
the day when this colloquy occurred, the manager
was driving to another town, where he intended
" to carry on the war," when he perceived Listen
standing in the middle of a hedge by the road-
side. " Good heavens, Liston," cried the man-
ager, " what are you doing there? " — " Only
looking for some of the actors you told me of
this morning," was the reply.
78.— A happy pair, in smart array,
By holy church united,
From London town in open shay,
Set off, by love incited.
The day was dull as dull could be,.
So (dreaming of no pun)
Quoth John, " I hope, my dear, that we
May have a little sun."
To which his bride, with simple heart,
Replied ('twas nature taught her),
" Well! — I confess — for my own part,
I'd rather have a daughter! "
79. — Joe Miller, sitting in the window at the
Sun Tavern, in Clare Street, while a fish-woman
was passing by, crying, " Buy my soals, buy my
maids ! " " Ah ! you wicked old creature ! " said
Joe, " are you not content to sell your own soul,
but you must sell your maid's too? "
80. Although the infirmities of nature are
not proper subjects to be made a jest of, yet
when people take a great deal of pains to con-
ceal what everybody sees, there is nothing more
ridiculous : of this sort was old Cross the player,
JOE MILLER
who being very deaf, did not care anybody
should know it. Honest Joe Miller going with a
friend one day along Fleet Street, and seeing old
Cross on the other side of the way, told his ac-
quaintance he should see some sport, so beckon-
ing to Cross with his ringer, and stretching open
his mouth as wide as he could, as if he hallooed
to him, though he said nothing, the old fellow
came puffing from the other side of the way;
" What the deuce," said he, " do you make such
a noise for? do you think one can't hear? "
81. — A Gentleman was saying one day at
the Tilt-yard Coffee-house, when it rained ex-
ceedingly hard, that it put him in mind of the
general deluge. " Zoons, Sir," said an old cam-
paigner who stood by, " who's that? I have heard
of all the generals in Europe but him."
82. — Vieuers, the witty and extravagant
Duke of Buckingham, was making his complaint
to Sir John Cutler, a rich miser, of the disorder
of his affairs, and asked him what he should do
to prevent the ruin of his estate ? " Live as I
do, my Lord," said Sir John. — " That I can do,"
answered the Duke, " when I am ruined."
83. — The Great Algernon Sidney seemed
to show very little concern at his death: he had,
indeed, got some friends to intercede with the
king for a pardon ; but when it was told him,
that his majesty could not be prevailed upon to
give him his life; but that, in regard to his an-
cient and noble family, he would remit part of
JOE MILLER 47
his sentence, and only have his head cut off;
" Nay," said he, " if His Majesty is resolved to
have my head, he may make a whistle of my tail,
if he pleases."
84. — A Country Clergyman, meeting with a
neighbour who never came to church, although
an old fellow of above sixty, he gave him some
reproof on that account, and asked, if he never
read at home? " No," replied the clown, " I
can't read." — " I dare say," said the parson,
" you don't know who made you? " — " Not I, in
troth," cried the countryman. A little boy com-
ing by at the same time, "Who made you, child? "
said the parson. " God, Sir," answered the boy.
" Why, look you there," quoth the honest clergy-
man, " are you not ashamed to hear a child of
five or six years old tell me who made him, when
you, that are so old a man, cannot? " — " Ah ! "
said the countryman, " it is no wonder that he
should remember; he was made but t'other day,
it is a great while, measter, since I war made."
85. — Henry IV. of France, reading an osten-
tatious inscription on the monument of a Spanish
officer, " Here lies the body of Don, &c, &c, &c,
who never knew what fear was." — " Then," said
the king, " he never snuffed a candle with his
fingers."
86. — A French Marquis, being one day at
dinner at the late Sir Roger Williams's, the fa-
mous punster and publican, was boasting of the
happy genius of his nation, in projecting all the
JOE MILLER
fine modes and fashions, particularly the ruffle,
which he said, was de fine ornament to de hand,
and had been followed by all de other nations.
Roger allowed what he said, but at the same time,
that the English, according to custom, " had
made a great improvement upon their invention,
by adding the shirt to it."
87. — A Certain Nobleman, a courtier, in the
beginning of a late reign, coming out of the
House of Lords, accosted the Duke of Bucking-
ham with, "How does your pot boil, My Lord,
these troublesome times ? " to which His Grace re-
plied, " I never go into my kitchen ; but I dare
say the scum is uppermost."
88. — My Lord Strangford, who stammered
very much, was telling a certain bishop that sat
at his table, " that Balaam's ass spoke because
he was pri — est — " " Priest-rid, Sir," said a
valet-de-chambre, who stood behind the chair,
" my lord would say — " " No, friend," replied
the bishop, " Balaam could not speak himself,
and so his ass spoke for him."
89.- — A Person was saying, not at all to the
purpose, that Samson was a very strong man.
" Ay," said another, " but you are much
stronger, for you make nothing of lugging him
in by the head and shoulders."
90. — A Certain Fop was boasting in com-
pany that he had every sense in perfection.
" There is one you are quite without," said one
who was by, " and that is common sense."
JOE MILLER 49
91. — Michael Angelo, in his picture of the
Last Judgment, in the Pope's chapel, painted
among the figures in hell that of a certain car-
dinal, who was his enemy, so like, that everybody
knew it at first sight: whereupon the cardinal
complaining to Pope Clement VII. of the affront,
and desiring it might be defaced; "You know
very well," said the Pope, " I have power to de-
liver a soul out of purgatory, but not out of
hell."
92. — King Henry VIII. designing to send a
nobleman on an embassy to Francis I. at a very
dangerous juncture, he begged to be excused,
saying, such a threatening message to so hot a
prince as Francis I. might go near to cost him
his life. " Fear not," said old Harry, " if the
French king should offer to take away your life,
I would revenge you by taking off the heads of
many Frenchmen now in my power." — " But of
all these heads," replied the nobleman, " there
may not be one to fit my shoulders."
98. — A Melting Sermon being preached in
a country church, all fell a-weeping but one man ;
who being asked why he did not weep with the
rest ? " Oh ! " said he, " I belong to another par-
ish."
94. — An Englishman and a Welshman dis-
puting in whose country was the best living;
said the Welshman, " There is such noble house-
keeping in Wales, that I have known above a
dozen cooks employed at one wedding dinner."
50 JOE MILLER
" Ay," answered the Englishman, " that was be-
cause every man toasted his own cheese."
95, — A Country Fellow, who was just come
to London, gaping about in every shop he came
to, at last looked into a scrivener's, where seeing
only one man sitting at a desk, he could not im-
agine what commodity was sold there ; but call-
ing to the clerk, " Pray, Sir," said he, " What
do you sell here?" — "Loggerheads" cried the
other. "Do you?" answered the countryman;
" egad, then you've a special trade ; for I see
you have but one left."
96. — A Witty Knave coming into a lace shop
upon Ludgate Hill, said he had occasion for a
small quantity of very fine lace, and having
pitched upon that he liked, asked the woman of
the shop how much she would have for as much
as he could reach from one of his ears to the
other, and measure which way she pleased, either
over his head or under his chin. After some
words, they agreed, and he paid the money down,
and began to measure, saying, " One of my ears
is here, and the other is nailed to the pillory in
Bristol, therefore I fear you have not enough to
make good your bargain; however, I will take
this piece in part, and desire you will provide the
rest with all expedition."
97. — The Emperor Augustus being shown a
young Grecian who very much resembled him,
asked the young man, if his mother had not been
JOE MILLER 51
at Rome, " No, Sir," answered the Grecian, " but
my father has."
98. — The Late Sir Godfrey Kneeler had
always a great contempt, I will not pretend to
say how justly, for Jervais the painter; and
being one day about twenty miles from London,
one of his servants told him at dinner, " that
there was Mr. Jervais come that day into the
same town w r ith a coach and four." — " Ay," said
Sir Godfrey, " if his horses draw no better than
himself, they'll never carry him to town again."
99. — Diogenes begging, as was the custom
among many philosophers, asked a prodigal
man for more than any one else ; whereupon one
said to him, " I see your business, that when you
find a liberal mind, you will make the most of
him." — " No," said Diogenes, " but I mean to
beg of the rest again."
100. — A Scotchman was very angry with an
English gentleman, who he said had abused him,
and called him false Scot. " Indeed," said the
Englishman, " I said no such thing, but that you
were a true Scot."
101. — A Gentleman coming to an inn in
Smithfield, and seeing the ostler expert and tract-
able about the horses, asked how long he had
lived there, and what countryman he was. " I's
Yorkshire," said the fellow, " an ha lived sixteen
years here." " I wonder," replied the gentle-
man, " that in so long a time, so clever a fellow
52 JOE MILLER
as you seem t«o be, have not come to be master of
the inn yourself ! " — " Ay," answered the ostler,
" but maister's Yorkshire too."
102. — The late Colonel Chartres, re-
flecting on his ill life and character, told a cer-
tain gentleman, that if such a thing as a good
name was to be purchased, he would freely give
ten thousand pounds for one. The nobleman
said, it would certainly be the worst money he
ever laid out in his life. " Why so? " said the
honest colonel. " Because," answered the lord,
" you would forfeit it again in less than a week."
103. — Among the articles exhibited to King
Henry by the Irish against the earl of Kildare,
the last concluded thus : " And finally all Ireland
cannot rule the earl." — " Then," said the king,
" the earl shall rule all Ireland ; " and so made
him deputy.
104. — A Reverend and Charitable Divine,
for the benefit of the country where he resided,
caused a large causeway to be begun ; and as he
was one day overlooking the work, a certain
nobleman came by : " Well, doctor," said he,
" for all your great pains and charity, I don't
take this to be the highway to Heaven." —
" Very true, my lord," replied the doctor ; " for
if it had, I should have wondered to have met
your lordship here."
105. — Two Jesuits having packed together
an innumerable parcel of miraculous lies, a per-
son who heard them, without taking upon him to
JOE MILLER 53
contradict them, told them one of his own : that
at St. Alban's there was a stone cistern, in which
water was always preserved for the use of that
saint, and that ever since, if a swine should eat
out of it, he would instantly die. The Jesuits
hugged themselves at the story, set out the next
day to St. Alban's, where they found themselves
miserably deceived. On their return, they up-
braided the person with telling them so mon-
strous a story. " Look you there now," said he,
" you told me a hundred lies t'other night, and I
had more breeding than to contradict }^ou : I told
you but one, and you have rid twenty miles to
confute me, which is very uncivil."
106. — A Welshman and an Englishman va-
pouring one day at the fruitfulness of their
countries, the Englishman said, there was a close
near the town where he was born, which was so
very fertile, that if a kiboo was thrown in over-
night, it would be so covered with grass, that it
should be difficult to find it the next day.
" Splut," says the Welshman, "what's that?
There's a close where hur was born, where you
may put your horse in over night, and not be
able to find him next morning."
107. — King Charles II. being in company
with Lord Rochester and others of the nobility,
Killigrew came in. " Now," sa}^s the king, " we
shall hear of our faults." — " No, faith," says
Killigrew, " I don't care to trouble my head with
that which all the town talks of."
54 JOE MILLER
108. — One telling another that he had once
so excellent a gun, that it went off immediately
upon a thief's coming into the house, although it
was not charged. " How the devil can that be? "
said the other. " Because," said the first, " the
thief carried it off ; and what was worse, before I
had time to charge him with it."
109. — A fellow once standing in the pillory
at Temple-Bar, it occasioned a stop, so that a
carman with a load of cheeses had much ado to
pass ; and driving just up to the pillory, he
asked, what that was that was wrote over the per-
son's head? They told him, it was a paper to
signify his crime, that he stood there for for-
gery. " Ay," said he, " what is forgery ? " —
They answered him that forgery was counterfeit-
ing another's hand, with intent to cheat people.
To which the carman replied, looking up at the
©ffender, " Oh, pox, this comes of your writing
and reading, you silly dog."
110. — Judge Jeffreys when on the bench,
told an old fellow with a long beard, that he sup-
posed he had a conscience as long as his beard.
" Does your lordship," replied the old man,
" measure consciences by beards ? If so, your
lordship has none at all."
111. — Sir Godfrey Kneleer, the painter,
and the late Dr. Ratcliffe, had a garden in com-
mon, but with one gate. Sir Godfrey, on some
occasion, ordered the gate to be nailed. When
the doctor heard of it, he said, he did not care
JOE MILLER 55
what Sir Godfrey did to the gate, so he did not
paint it. This being told to Sir Godfrey,
" Well," replied he, " I can take that or any-
thing else but physic, from my good friend Dr.
RatclifFe."
112. — A Philosopher carrying something hid
under his cloak, an impertinent fellow asked him
what he had under his cloak? To which the
philosopher answered, " I carry it there, that,
you might not know."
113. — Lord Chief Justice Jeffreys had a
cause before him between a Jew that was plain-
tiff, and a Christian defendant. The latter
pleaded, though the debt was very just, that the
Jew had no right, by the laws of England, to
bring an action. " Well," says my lord, " have
you no other plea? "- — " No, my lord," said he,
" I insist on this plea." — " Do you," says my
lord, " then let me tell you, you are the greatest
Jew of the two."
114. — Some Gentlemen coming out of a
tavern pretty merry, a link-boy cried, " Have a
light, gentlemen ? " — " Light yourself to the
devil, you dog," said one of the company.
" Bless you, master," replied the boy, " we can
find the way in the dark; shall we light your
worship thither? "
115. — The Duchess of Newcastle, who
wrote plays and romances, in king Charles the
Second's time, asked Bishop Wilkins, how she
could get up to the world in the moon, which he
56 JOE MILLER
had discovered; for as the journey must needs
be very long, there would be no possibility of
going through it, without resting on the way?
" Oh, madam," said the bishop, " your grace has
built so many castles in the air, that you cannot
want a place to bait at."
116- — An Englishman going into one of the
French ordinaries in Soho, and finding a large
dish of soup with about half a pound of mutton
in the middle of it, began to pull off his wig,
his stock, and then his coat; at which one of the
monsieurs, being much surprised, asked him what
he was going to do? " Why, monsieur," said he,
" I mean to strip, that I may swim through this
ocean of porridge, to yon little island of mutton/*
117. — A Poor Ingenious Lad, who was a
servitor at Oxford, not having wherewithal to
buy a new pair of shoes, when his old ones were
very bad, got them capp'd at the toes ; upon
which, being bantered by some of his companions,
"Why should they not be capp'd?" said he;
" I am sure they are fellows.'"
118. — The Standers By, to comfort a poor
man, who lay on his death-bed, told him, he
should be carried to church by four very proper
fellows. " I thank ye," said he, " but I had
much rather go by myself."
119.- — When poor Daniel Button died, one of
his punning customers being at his funeral, and
looking on the grave, cried out, " This is a more
lasting Button-hole than any made by a tailor."
JOE MILLER 57
ISO.— One asking a painter how he could
paint such pretty faces in his pictures, and yet
get such homely children? " Because," said he,
" I make the first by day-light and the other in
the dark"
121. — A Gentleman calling for small beer at
another gentleman's table, finding it very bad,
gave it the servant again without drinking.
" What," said the master of the house, " do not
you like the beer? " " It is not to be found
fault with," answered the other ; " for one should
never speak ill of the dead."
122. — One asking another, which way a man
might use tobacco to have any benefit from it;
" By setting up a shop to sell it," said he ; " for
certainly there is no profit to be had from it any
other way."
123. — Ben Jonson being one night at the
Devil Tavern, there was a country gentleman
in the company, who interrupted all other dis-
course with an account of his land and tene-
ments ; at last Ben, unable to bear it longer, said
to him, " What signifies your dirt and clods to
us? where you have one acre of land, I have ten
acres of wit." — " Have you so," said the coun-
tryman, " good Mr. Wiseacre? " This unex-
pected repartee from the clown struck Ben quite
mute for a time. " Why, how now, Ben ? " said
one of the company ; " you seem to be quite
stung." — " I never was so prick'd by a hobnail
before," replied he.
58 joe Miller
124.— An Extravagant Young Fellow,
rallying a frugal country 'squire, who had a
good estate, and spent but little of it, said,
among other things, " I'll warrant you, that
plate-buttoned suit was your great grand-
father's." — " Yes," said the other, " and I have
my great grandfather's lands too."
125. — Two Country Attorneys overtaking
a waggoner on the road, and thinking to break
a joke upon him, asked him, why his fore horse
was so fat, and the rest so lean? The waggoner
knowing them to be limbs of the law, answered,
" That his fore horse was a lawyer, and the rest
were his clients."
126.— A Gentleman having sent for a car-
penter's servant to knock a nail or two in his
study, the fellow, after he had done, scratched
his ears, and said, he hoped the gentleman would
give him something to make him drink. " Make
you drink," said the gentleman, " there's a
pickled herring for you ; and if that won't make
you drink, I'll give you another"
127. — A Sharper seeing a country gentleman
sitting alone at an inn, and thinking something
might be made of him, he went and sat near him,
and took the liberty to drink to him. Having
thus introduced himself, he called for a paper
of tobacco, and said, " Do you smoke, Sir? " —
" Yes," says the gentleman, " any one that has
a design upon me."
JOE MILLER 59
128. — A Certain Country Farmer was ob-
served never to be in good humour when he was
hungry ; for this reason his wife was careful to
watch the time of his coming home, and always
have dinner ready on the table. One day he sur-
prised her, and she had only time to set a mess
of broth ready for him, who soon, according to
custom, began to open his pipes, and maundering
over his broth, forgetting what he was about,
burnt his mouth to some purpose. The good
wife seeing him in that sputtering condition,
comforted him as follows : " See what it is now,
had you kept your breath to cool your pottage,
you would not have burnt your mouth, John."
129. — A Harmless Country Fellow having
commenced a suit against a gentleman that had
beat down his fences, and spoiled his corn, when
the assizes drew near, his adversary bribed his
only evidence to keep out of the way. " Well,"
says the fellow, " I'm resolved I'll go up to town,
and the king shall know it." — " The king know
it," says his landlord, who was an attorney,
" prithee what good will that do you, if the man
keeps out of the way? " — " Why, Sir," says the
poor fellow, " I have heard you say, the king
could make a man a peer at any time."
130. — A Scotch Bag-piper travelling in
Poland, opened his wallet by a wood side, and
sat down to dinner : no sooner had he said grace,
but three wolves came about him ; to one he threw
60 JOE MILLER
bread, to another meat, till his provender was
gone; at length he took up his bag-pipes, and
began to play, at which the wolves ran away.
" The de'el saw me," said Sawney, " an I had
kenn'd you lo'ed music sa weel, you should have
ha'en it before dinner."
131. — Metullus Nepos asking Cicero, the
Roman orator, in a scoffing manner, who
was his father? Cicero replied, " Thy mother
has made that question harder for thee to
answer."
132. — A Philosopher benig asked, why
learned men frequented rich men's houses, but
rich men seldom visited the learned? answered,
" That the first know what they want, but the
latter do not."
133. — A Gentleman named Ball, being
about to purchase a cornetcy in a regiment of
horse, was presented to the colonel for approba-
tion, who, being a nobleman, declared he did not
like the name, and would have no Balls in his
regiment : " Nor powder, neither," said the gen-
tleman, " if your lordship could help it."
134. — Mr. Pope being at dinner with a noble
duke, had his own servant in livery waiting on
him ; the duke asked him, " Why he, that eat
mostly at other people's tables, should be such
a fool as to keep a fellow in livery to laugh at
him? " — " 'Tis true," answered the poet, " I keep
but one to laugh at me, but your grace has the
honour to keep a dozen."
JOE MILLER 61
135. — When Recruits were raising for the
late wars, a serjeant told his captain that he had
got him a very extraordinary man. " Ay," says
the captain, " prithee what's he? " — " A butcher,
Sir," replies the serjeant, " and your honour will
have double service of him, for we had two sheep-
stealers in the company before."
136. — In a Cause tried at the King's Bench,
a witness was produced who had a very red nose,
and one of the counsel, an impudent fellow, being
desirous to put him out of countenance, called
out to him, after he was sworn, " Well, let's hear
what you have to say, with your copper nose." —
" Why, Sir," said he, " by the oath I have taken,
I would not exchange my copper nose for your
brazen face."
137. — An Old Cavalier told a great rumper,
that he saw his master Oliver hanged, and he
stunk horribly. " Ay," said the last, " no doubt
but he stunk after he had been dead so long, but
he would have made you stink if he had been
alive."
138. — Some Scholars, on a time, going to
steal coneys, by the. way they warned a novice
amongst them to make no noise, for fear of
spoiling their game ; but he no sooner spied some,
but he cried out aloud, " Ecce coniculi multi."
Whereupon the coneys ran away with all speed
into their burrows : upon which his fellows chid-
ing him, " Who the devil," says he, " would have
thought that the coneys understood Latin? "
62 JOE MILLER
139.— A Parson thinking to banter an honest
quaker, asked him, where his religion was before
George Fox's time? "Where thine was," said
the quaker, " before Harry Tudor's time. — Now
thou hast been free with me," added the quaker,
" pray let me ask thee a question: — Where was
Jacob going when he was turned of ten years
of age? Canst thou tell that? " — " No, nor you
neither, I believe." — " Yes, I can," replied the
quaker, " he was going into his eleventh year,
was he not? "
140. — Queen Elizabeth seeing a gentleman
in her garden, who had not felt the effect of
her favours so soon as he expected, looking out
of her window, said to him in Italian, " What
does a man think of, Sir Edward, when he thinks
of nothing? " After a little pause, he answered,
" He thinks, Madam, of a woman's promise ."
The queen shrunk in her head, but was heard
to say, " Well, Sir Edward, I must not confute
you : anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps
them poor."
141. — When the late Dauphin of France said
to the facetious Duke of Roquelaure, " Stand
farther off, Roquelaure, for you stink." The
duke replied, " I ask your pardon, Sir, 'tis you
that smell, not I."
142. — A Gentleman in king Charles the Sec-
ond's time, who had paid a tedious attendance at
court for a place, and had a thousand promises,
at length resolved to see the king himself; so
JOE MILLER 63
getting himself introduced, he told his majesty
what pretensions he had to his favour, and boldly
asked him for the place just then vacant. The
king hearing his story, told him he had just
given the place away ; upon which the gentle-
man made a very low obeisance to the king, and
thanked him extremely, which he repeated often.
The king, observing how over-thankful he was,
called him again, and asked him the reason why
he gave him such extraordinary thanks, when
he had denied his suit? " The rather, please
your majesty," replied the gentleman, " because
your courtiers have kept me waiting here these
two years, and gave me a thousand put-offs, but
your majesty has saved all that trouble, and
generously given me my answer at once." —
" Cod's fish, man," says the king, " thou shalt
have the place for thy downright honesty."
143. — Some Repartees, if, strictly speaking,
they are not to be brought under the head of
jests, yet, for the readiness of the thought, and
the politeness of the expression, are somewhat
better. Of this sort was the answer made by Sir
Robert Sutton to the late king of Prussia, on
his asking him at a review of his tall grenadiers,
if he would say, an equal number of Englishmen
could beat them : " No, Sir," answered Sir
Robert, " I won't pretend to say that, but I be-
lieve half the number would try."
144. — It was a beautiful turn given by a
great lady, who, being asked, where her husband
64 JOE MILLER
was, when he lay concealed for having been
deeply concerned in a conspiracy, resolutely an-
swered, she had hid him. This confession drew
her before the king, who told her, nothing but
her discovering where her lord was concealed,
could save her from the torture. " And will that
do? " says the lady. — " Yes," says the king, " I
give you my word for it." — " Then," says she,
" I have hid him in my heart, there you'll find
him." Which surprising answer charmed her
enemies.
145. — A Countryman in the street inquiring
the way to Newgate, an arch fellow that heard
him, said, he'd show him presently. " Do but
go across the way," said he, " to yon goldsmith's
shop, and move off with one of those silver tank-
ards and it will bring you thither presently."
146. — Lord Faulkner, author of the play
called " The Marriage Night," was chosen very
3 r oung to sit in parliament; and when he was
first elected some of the members opposed his
admission, urging, that he had not sown all his
wild oats. " Then," replied he, " it will be the
best way to sow them in the house, where there
are so many geese to pick them up."
147. — A Pragmatical Young Fellow, sit-
ting at table over against the learned John Scot,
asked him, what difference there was between
Scot and sot? " Just the breadth of the table,"
answered the other.
JOE MILLER 65
148. — The Late Mr. Philip Thicknesse,
father of Lord Audlcy, being in want of money,
applied to his son for assistance. This being de-
nied, he immediately hired a cobbler's stall, di-
rectly opposite his lordship's house, and put up
a sign-board, on which was inscribed in large
letters, " Boots and shoes mended in the best
and cheapest manner by Philip Thicknesse,
father of Lord Audley." The consequence of
this may be easily imagined; the board did not
remain there many days.
149- — A Certain Priest in a rich abbey in
Florence, being a fisherman's son, caused a net
to be spread every day on a table in his apart-
ment, to put him in mind of his origin. The
abbot dying, this dissembled humility procured
him to be chosen abbot ; after which, the net was
used no more. Being asked the reason, he an-
swered, there is no occasion for the net, now the
fish is caught.
150. — Sir Thomas More, the famous chan-
cellor, who preserved his humour and wit to the
last moment, when he came to be executed on
Tower-hill, the headsman demanded his upper
garment as his fee ; " Ah ! friend," said he, tak-
ing off his cap, " that, I think, is my upper gar-
ment."
151. — Three or four roguish scholars walk-
ing out one day from the University of Oxford,
espied a poor fellow near Abingdon asleep in
a ditch, with an ass by him laden with earthen-
66 JOE MILLER
ware, holding the bridle in his hand: says one
of the scholars to the rest, " If you will assist
me, I'll help you to a little money, for you know
we are bare at present." No doubt of it they
were not long consenting. " Why, then," said
he, " we'll go and sell this old fellow's ass at
Abingdon ; for you know the fair is to-morrow,
and we shall meet with chapmen enough: there-
fore do you take the panniers off, and put them
upon my back, and that bridle over my head, and
then lead the ass to market, and let me alone
with the old man." This being done accordingly,
in a little time after, the poor man awaking, was
strangely surprised to see his ass thus metamor-
phosed. " Oh ! for God's sake," said the scholar,
" take this bridle out of my mouth, and this
load from my back." — " Zoons ! how came you
here? " replied the old man. — " Why," said he,
" my father, who is a necromancer, upon an idle
thing I did to disoblige him, transformed me
into an ass ; but now his heart has relented, and
I am come to my own shape again, I beg you will
let me go home and thank him." — " By all
means," said the crockery merchant, " I do not
desire to have anything to do with conjur-
ation : " and so set the scholar at liberty, who
went directly to his comrades, who by this time
were making merry with the money they had sold
the ass for. But the old fellow was forced to
go the next day to seek for a new one in the
fair; and after having looked on several, his
JOE MILLER 67
own was shown him for a good one : " Oh ! " said
he, " what, have he and his father quarrelled
again already ? No, no, I'll have nothing to say
to him."
152. — An Irish Soldier once returning from
battle in the night, marching a little way behind
his companion, called out to him. " Hollo, Pat,
I have catch' d a tartar ! " — " Bring him along
then ! bring him along then ! " — " Aye, but he
won't come." — " Why then come away without
him." — " By Jasus, but he won't let me ! '
153. — Cato, the Censor, being ask'd, how it
came to pass, that he had no statue erected for
him, who had so well deserved of the common-
wealth? " I had rather," said he, " have this
question ask'd, than Why I had one? "
154. — An Irish Officer, travelling in com-
pany with a bald gentleman, had desired the
waiter of the inn where they put up the first
night, to wake him early in the morning, as he
had some letters to w r rite before leaving the place.
Previous to his beginning his journey, he had
got his head shaved. Forgetting this last cir-
cumstance, when the waiter aroused him as or-
dered, Paddy, scratching his pate, and feeling
it bald, exclaimed : " You wretch of a waiter, by
the powers ! you have waked the bald man instead
of me."
155. — An Irish Officer in battle happening
to bow, a cannon-ball passed over his head, and
took off the head of a soldier who stood behind
68 JOE MILLER
him : " You see," said he, " that a man never loses
by politeness."
156. — Jenny is poor, and I am poor;
Yet we will wed — so say no more;
And should the bairns you mention come,
(As few that marry but have some)
No doubt but Heav'n will stand our friend,
And bread as well as children send.
So fares the hen in farmer's yard,
To live alone she finds it hard;
I've known her weary every claw
In search of corn amongst the straw;
But when in quest of nicer food
She clucks amongst her chirping brood;
With joy I've seen that self-same hen
That scratch'd for one, could scratch for ten.
These are the thoughts that make me willing
To take my girl without a shilling:
And for the self same cause, d'ye see,
Jenny's resolv'd to marry me!
157. — An Irish Horse-dealer sold a mare
as sound wind and limb, and without fault. It
afterwards appeared that the poor beast could
not see at all with one eye, and was almost blind
of the other. The purchaser finding this, made
heavy complaints to the dealer, and reminded
him, that he engaged the mare to be " without
fault."—" To be sure," replied the other, " to
be sure I did ; but then, my dear honey, the poor
crater's blindness is not her fault, but her mis-
fortune.'''
158. — A Reverend Gentleman, seeing an
Irish fishwoman skinning some eels, said to her,
" How can you be so cruel? don't you think you
put them to a great deal of pain? " — " Why,
JOE MILLER 69
your honour," she replied, " I might when I first
began business ; but I have dealt in them twenty
years, and by this time they must be quite used
to it."
159. — A Quarter-master in a regiment f
light horse (lately quartered in a neighbouring
county), who was about six feet high, and very
corpulent, was joking with an Irishman concern-
ing the natural proneness of his countrymen to
make bulls in conversation. — " By my soul," said
the Irishman, " Ireland never made such a bull
in all her life-time, as England did when she
made a light horseman of you."
160. — An Irish Country Schoolmaster be-
ing asked what was meant by the word, " forti-
fication," instantly answered, with the utmost
confidence, " two twentifications make a fortifica-
tion."
161. — A Scotchman and an Irishman were
sleeping at an inn together. The weather being
rather warm, the Scotchman in his sleep put his
leg out of the bed. A traveller in passing the
room door, saw him in this situation, and having
a mind for a frolic, gently fixed a spur upon
Sawney's heel : who drawing his leg into the bed,
so disturbed his companion that he exclaimed,
" Arrah honey, have a care of your great toe,
for you have forgot to cut your nails I belaiv."
The Scotchman being sound asleep, and some-
times, perhaps, not a little disturbed by other
companions, still kept scratching poor Pat, till
70 JOE MILLER
his patience being quite spent, he succeeded in
rousing Sawney, who not a little surprised at
finding the spur on his heel, loudly exclaimed,
" Deil take the daft chiel of an ostler* he's ta'en
my boots off last night, and left on the spur."
162. — A Gentleman once asked Sir Richard
Steele, why the Irish, his countrymen, were so
prone to make bulls, " Indeed," said the knight,
" I suppose it is owing to some quality in the
soil, for I really think, if an Englishman were
born in Ireland, he would make as many bulls
as an Irishman."
163. — During the memorable engagement in
which Lord Nelson achieved his immortal victory
over the French fleet, upon the coast of Egypt,
an officer, on board his vessel, had his right
arm shot off, and lost an eye by a splinter. His
illustrious commander, whose vigilance was un-
remitting, for he had an eye out upon such oc-
casions, on hearing of the officer's accident, vis-
ited him in his cabin, though wounded himself,
as soon as the battle was over, and expressed his
concern for the misfortune. The officer, with
equal gallantry and politeness said, " Admiral,
you lead the fashions here, and he must indeed
be destitute of taste, who is not proud on this
day to be like you in anything."
164. — An Alderman having occasion to ride
some miles out of town, on his return the next
day, exclaimed to a friend who accompanied
him, " How is this? yesterday all the mile-stones
JOE MILLER 71
were on my left hand, and to-day they are on
my right."
165. — An Irish Recruit being rebuked by
the Serjeant for striking one of his comrades, " I
thought there was no harm in it," quoth Pat,
" as I had nothing in my hand but my fist."
166. — The Well-known Mr. Price kept a
go-down or shop at Calcutta, where he sold a
gun to an Irishman, who soon returned with it,
complaining that the barrel was much bent. " Is
it? " said Price, " then I ought to have charged
thee more for it." — " Why so? " said the other.
" Because these pieces are constructed for shoot-
ing round a corner." — " If that be the case,"
says Paddy, " then I insist on retaining my pur-
chase."
167. — The Pomposity of Dr. Johnson, and
his vain display of learning amongst those who
assumed in his presence any acquaintance with
literature, are well known. Old Macklin, the
player, who was a genuine Hibernian, one day
paid the doctor a visit as a literary man ; and
after a few introductory words, the doctor ob-
served, in a sneering way, that literary men
should not converse in the vulgar tongue, but
in the learned languages, and immediately ad-
dressed the dramatist in a long sentence of Latin.
Macklin, after expressing his accedence to the
doctor's proposition, said he would rather con-
verse in Greek, and immediately proceeded in a
long sentence of equal length in Irish. The doc-
72 JOE MILLER
tor again reverted to the English tongue, and
observed, " Sir, you may speak very good Greek,
but I am not sufficiently versed in that dialect,
to converse with you fluently." Macklin burst
out laughing, made his bow, and retired.
168. — The Late Lord Sommerton, arch-
bishop of Dublin, while he enjoyed the arch-
bishopric of Cashel, and was about to be collated
to the metropolitan see, had entered into a treaty
with his tenants in general, to receive fines for a
renewal of their leases (through which means,
by the way, the reverend prelate netted a sum
of 50,000/.). Amongst others who came to treat
with the right reverend prelate, was the widow
of a wealthy farmer, who, after travelling some
distance, arrived while his lordship was at dinner
en famille. As soon as her arrival was an-
nounced, he desired she might be introduced to
the dinner-parlour, and politely pressed her to
sit down and dine. The lady declined, and said
she had " got her dinner already." The Arch-
bishop, supposing her refusal arose from bash-
fulness, pressed her to partake of some dish, and
amongst the rest, very urgently recommended
her to take some roast hare. The matron, in the
simplicity of her heart, answered, " Upon my
conscience, please your lordship, I don't care for
it, my belli/ is full of hare already; for my son
shot two yesterday, and we had them for dinner
to-day." The hare which the poor woman meant
must have been game, for the company laughed
immoderately.
JOE MILLER 73
169. — The gallery wit of the Dublin theatres
has long been celebrated; for, perhaps the mob
of that city are the wittiest blackguards in
Europe : and the deities of the upper gallery
never fail to mark their approbation or hatred
for all public characters who happen to catch
their eyes, by plaudits or groans : even the Vice-
roy if present comes in for his share in these at-
tentions, just as he happens to be popular or un-
popular ; and some of those august personages
unable to bear this kind of attack have uniformly
absented themselves from the theatre. The late
amiable Manners, Duke of Rutland, and his
beautiful Duchess, appeared one night in the
vice regal box, when a celebrated abbess named
Peg Plunkett, with a few of her nymphs ap-
peared in the side boxes. The upper gallery
wits immediately began upon the Paphian Priest-
ess with " Ha ! Peg ! who slept with you last
night, Peg? " To which she immediately an-
swered in a tone of reproof, " Manners, you
blackguards." This was so palpable a hit at the
representative of royalty, who was a frequent
visitant at her Nunnery, that it threw the house
into a roar of laughter, and the noble Duke re-
tired under much embarrassment.
170. — Mr. Burke, in his juvenile days, was
extremely fond of private acting. A few of his
companions proposed that he should play Rich-
mond, in Richard the Third; and having given
him the part at a very short notice, he arose be-
times one morning, and walked down a lane ad-
71
JOE MILLER
joining his father's house, so intent on studying
his part, that he did not perceive a filthy ditch
•before him, and had just uttered with heroic dig-
nity, " Thus far have we got into the bowels of
the land," when he found himself up to his
middle in the mire.
171. — An Hibernian Officer, being once in
company with several who belonged to the same
corps, one of them, in a laugh, said he would lay
a dozen of claret, that the Irishman made a bull
before the evening was over. " Done," said
Terence. The wager was laid, and by way of
puzzling him, he was asked how many bulls there
were in that town. " Five," said he. " How do
you make them out? " said the other. " Faith,"
said he, " there is the Black Bull in the market-
place, and the Red Bull over the way; then
there is the Pied Bull just by the bridge and the
White Bull at the corner/' — " They are but
four," said the other. " Why arrah," said he,
" there is the Dun Cow in the Butcher-row." —
" That's a bull," said the other. " By Jasus,"
said he, "then I have won. my wager, and you
have made the bull and not me."
172. — A Gentleman having built a large
house, was at a loss what to do with the rubbish.
His steward advised him to have a pit dug large
enough to contain it. " And what," said the
gentleman, smiling, " shall I do with the earth
which is dug out of the pit!" To which the
steward, with great gravity, replied, " Have the
pit wade large enough to hold all."
JOE MILLER 75
173. — Two Irish Soldiers, being quartered
in a borough in the west of England, got into
conversation respecting their quarters. " How,"
said the one, " are you quartered? "- — " Pretty
well." — " What part of the house do you sleep
in? " — " Up stairs." — " In the garret, per-
haps? " — "The garret! no; Dennis O'Brien
would never sleep in a garret." — " Where
then? " — " Why, I know not what you call it;
but I call it first fliire down the chimley ."
174. — An Irishman, being struck by his
master, cried out, " Devil take me, if I am cer-
tain whether he has kilt me or no ; but if I am
kilt, it will afford me great satisfaction to hear
the old dog was hanged for killing me."
175. — One of the last few patriotic acts of
the Irish parliament was the establishment of a
public botanical garden, at the village of Glass-
nevin, near Dublin, principally with a view to
the arrangement and cultivation of useful plants,
the national growth of the country. The pro-
fessor of this institution, Dr. Wade, when just
proceeding to the south upon a botanizing tour,
met the celebrated Sir Boyle Roache, who asked
him where he was going. He answered, " To the
south, Sir Boyle, on a botanizing excursion, to
collect indigenous plants for our garden." —
" Why, then, my dear doctor," replied the good-
natured baronet, " I would advise you to go di-
rectly to the county of Kerry, where you can
botanize all round the lake of Killarney in my
Lord Kenmure's barge, and find more indigence
76 JOE MILLER
planted there than in any other county of this
kingdom."
176. — Lieutenant Connolly, an Irishman,
in the service of the United States, during the
American war, chanced to take three Hessian
prisoners himself, without any assistance. Being
asked by the commander-in-chief, how he had
taken them? "By Jasus ! I surrounded them,"
was the answer.
177. — An Irish Student of the Temple hav-
ing occasion to go to dinner, left this direction
in the keyhole : " Gone to the Elephant and
Castle, where you shall find me ; and if you can't
read this, carry it to the stationer's and he shall
read it for you."
178. — A Constitutional citizen of London,
within the very sound of Bow bell, was pretty
constant in the habit of rising early, and taking
a rural morning walk, either in Moorfields, or, in
wet weather, under the piazza of the Royal Ex-
change, to create an appetite for his buttered
muffins, and improve his health. But having
overslept himself one morning, after swallowing
an over-dose of stomach furniture on the preced-
ing day at a civic feast, his fond rib reminded
him after breakfast, that he had not taken his
morning walk. But he answered, " Nay, that
don't much signify; I shall take it in the after-
noon, lovey."
179. — Whether it be a consequence of the
act of LTnion, or of the frequent prevalence of
JOK MILLER
■ .
westerly winds, is not decided ; but any person
who mixes much with company, frequents our
law courts, or even our senate-house, will often
discover that we Britons have acquired as pretty
a knack at blundering as many of our Irish
neighbours. In a late prosecution against a
smasher of counterfeit coin, the learned Old
Bailey counsel, in stating the case to the jury
observed, " that the prisoner at the bar had been
twice before convicted as a notorious utterer of
brass silver." Another learned barrister, in stat-
ing the case of a burglary, observed, " that it
was committed at a quarter past twelve at night,
on the morning of the next day." And if we
only advert to the ordinary dialect of common
conversation, what expressions are more frequent
than, " come will you go? " or, " are you going
to stay? " An Hibernian, who was a good deal
annoyed by some city wags on the blundering
propensities of his countrymen, answered, " By
Jasus, if you father all your bulls upon us Irish-
men, we often father our calves on vou in re-
turn."
180. — Ix a Debate on the leather-tax, in
1795, in the Irish House of Commons, the Chan-
cellor of the Exchequer (Sir John P ) ob-
served, with great emphasis, " that, in the prose-
cution of the present war, every man ought to
give his last guinea to protect the remainder."
Mr. Vandelure said, " that however that might
be, the tax on leather would be severely felt, by
the barefooted peasantry of Ireland." To which
78 JOE MILLER
Sir Boyle Roache replied, " that this could be
easily remedied, by making the under leathers of
zvood."
181. — Louis XIV. had granted a pardon to
a nobleman who had committed some very great
crime. M. Voisin, the chancellor, ran to him in
his closet, and exclaimed, " Sire, you cannot par-
don a person in the situation of Mr. ." " I
have promised him," replied the king, who was
ever impatient of contradiction ; " go and fetch
the great seal." " But sire " — " Pray, sir, do
as I order you." The chancellor returns with the
seals ; Louis applies them himself to the instru-
ment containing the pardon, and gives them
again to the chancellor. " They are polluted
now, sire," exclaims the intrepid and excellent
magistrate, pushing them from him on the table,
" I cannot take them again." " What an im-
practicable man ! " cries the monarch, and throws
the pardon into the fire. " I will now, sire, take
them again," said the chancellor ; " the fire, you
know, purifies every thing."
Morvilliers, keeper of the seals to Charles
IX. of France, was one day ordered by his sov-
ereign to put the seals to the pardon of a noble-
man who had committed murder. He refused.
The king then took the seals out of his hands,
and having put them himself to the instrument
of remission, returned them to Morvilliers; who
refused them, saying, " The seals have twice put
me in a situation of great honour; once when I
received them, and again when I resigned them."
JOE MILLER 79
182. — The Late Lord Kilwarden, while at-
torney general, was retained as counsel for the
crown, in prosecuting a gang of robbers for
plundering the house of the late Lord O'Neil.
The principal witness, a fellow named Pigeon,
who was one of the gang, had turned approver;
and in answering the questions of the learned at-
torney general as to the facts, he said his mo-
tive for becoming evidence was, that his com-
panions had " cheated him out of his fair
whack." — " Your whack? " said the learned bar-
rister, " what do you mean by that? " — " Why
arn't you up to whack? " says the fellow ; " what
a gag you must be ! then it is just the same thing
as if you and / were to rob a house together, and
you were to cheat me out of my share of the
booty."
183. — The Late Lord Norbury, some time
since going as a judge on the Munster circuit,
was, as usual, so strict in the administration of
criminal justice, that few, of whose guilt there
were any strong grounds of suspicion, were suf-
fered to escape, merely through any slovenly
flaws in the wording of their indictments, or
doubts upon the testimony. Dining, as usual,
with the seniors of the bar, at the next inn, a
gentleman, who sat near the judge, asked leave
to help his lordship to part of a pickled tongue.
Lord Norbury replied, " he did not like pickled
►tongue ; but if it had been hung, he would try
it." Mr. Curran, who sat on the other side, said,
that " the defect was easily obviated ; for, if his
80 JOE MILLER
lordship would only try it, it would certainly be
hung."
184*. — The Capricious hauteur of genius, in
the midst of poverty, has been exemplified on
numberless occasions. The late Mr. James
Barry, who was the son of a bricklayer at Cork,
made his professional debut as a sign-painter in
that city ; and afterwards, by the dint of his
genius and industry, rose, as we have seen, to
high fame in his profession ; and, though he was
raised to the dignity of a ro} r al artist, was yet, in
his" circumstances, through life, the distressed
victim of professional pride and an eccentric
temper. On his return from Italy to London, he
was sinking under distress, for the want of a
patron ; when the late munificent duke of North-
umberland, by some accident, discovered his
merit, and invited him to dine at Northumber-
land-house, purely with the view of rendering
him a service, in a manner the most delicate to
his feelings. During the repast, the discourse
ran upon paintings, and upon the distribution
of those hung up in the dinner-room : " How do
you approve of the placing of those pictures,
Mr. Barry?" said his grace. " Oh ! very well,
my lord duke ; but there is a capital place at the
bottom, in a side light, which is unoccupied." —
" Then I mean that vacancy to be filled," said
the duke, " by a production from your pencil,
Sir, which I request you will finish ; you shall,
choose the subject from fhe History of England;
the size and price I will leave to yourself; and I
JOE MILLER 81
have only to request you will contrive to intro-
duce a master of the horse in the grouping, and
draw my portrait in that character." The artist
departed ; and in the following week his grace
repeatedly sent for and called upon him, but he
was repeatedly denied. At length the duke, tired
of such caprice, sent a letter by a servant to
Barry, desiring to speak with him ; but the an-
swer returned by the servant was, " Go to the
duke, your master, friend, and tell him from
me, that, if he wants his portrait painted, he
must go to that fellow in Leicester-Fields (the
late Sir Joshua Reynolds), for I shall never de-
grade my pencil by portrait painting."
185. — There Happened, when Swift was at
Larcone, in Ireland, the sale of a farm and stock,
the farmer being dead. Swift chanced to walk
past during the auction, just as a pen of poultry
had been put up. Roger (Swift's clerk) bid for
them : he was overbid by a farmer of the name
of Hatch. " What, Roger, won't you buy the
poultry? " exclaimed Swift. " No, Sir," said
Roger, " I see they are just ongoing to Hatch."
186.— Two Irish Labourers being at the
execution of the malefactors on the new scaffold
before Newgate, one says to the other, " Arrah,
Pat, now ! but is there any difference between be-
ing hanged here and being hanged in chains ! "
— " No, honey ! " replied he, " no great dif-
ference ; only one hangs about, an hour, and the
other hangs all the days of his life."
82 JOE MILLER
187. — Mr. Cumberland, the writer, was
asked his opinion of Mr, Sheridan's " School for
Scandal." " Faith," said he, " I am quite aston-
ished that the town can be so duped ! I went to
see his comedy, and never laughed once from be-
ginning to end." This being repeated to Sheri-
dan, " That's very ungrateful of him," said he,
" for I went to see his tragedy t'other night, and
did nothing but laugh from beginning to end."
188. — Ix one of the engagements with the
French at Cuddalore, the 101st regiment gave
way, and their place was immediately supplied
by a battalion of black infantry. A gentleman
shortly afterwards, in company with Colonel
Kennedy, and conversing on the subject, said
he was surprised that they gave way. " And so
am I too," said the colonel, " for they were all
tried men." — " How can you make that out,"
says the gentleman, " when they are a new regi-
ment? " — "Oh! by my conscience," says the
colonel, " they were all tried at the Old Bailey
long ago."
189. — Mr. Sheridan, who had a fund of Irish
stories, related one which occurred upon a shoot-
ing visit to a gentleman in the county of Tip-
perary, who, being unfortunately afflicted with
the gout, was unable to accompany him in a
day's sport, but recommended as his guide an
herdsman about his land, who knew the seat of
every hare and the haunt of every covey within
ten miles. With this guide the orator set out
caparisoned for the field, and was, in the course
JOE MILLER 83
of the day, led to a dozen coveys and as many
hares, but not being so good a shot in the field
as in the senate, nothing was brought to bag.
His guide, however, perceiving he was a young
sportsman, never failed, at every shot, by some
compliment in his own way, to encourage the
marksman with hopes of better success. At the
first fire, while the covey fluttered off in triumph,
Pat says, " Pon my shoul, Sir, I'm sure you
must have wounded some of them, though they
didn't fall." At the next, " By my shoul, they
did not fly fair for you, or you would have killed
a couple of brace of them." At the third, " Pon
my shoul, you knock'd some of their feathers off
that time." At length, having exhausted his
whole stock of apologies for the ill luck of the
sportsman, he concluded with, " Devil burn me,
but you made them lave that, any how, Sir."
190. — Some Years Afterwards, Mr. Sheri-
dan was on a visit to the Duke of Bedford, at
Woburn, when preparations were making to take
the field against the partridges on the first of
September. A learned barrister of the party
was endeavouring to improve his skill by firing
at a mark, which he could never hit, and, in
excuse for his bad aim, complained of his dog,
which was not well trained, and who, at every
moment he was about to fire his piece, always
jumped up against the mark, " although," said
he, " I thought lie was as sagacious an animal
as ever lived." — " Sagacious, indeed," said
Mr. Sheridan, " and he has proved it, for I can't
84 JOE MILLER
conceive he could be any where so safe from
your shot, as by flying at the mark you aim at."
191. — An Irishman and an Englishman fall-
ing out, the Hibernian told him if he did not
hold his tongue, he would break his impenetrable
head, and let the brains out of his empty skull !
192. — An Irishman having been obliged to
live with his master some time in Scotland, when
he came back, some of his companions asked how
he liked Scotland. " I will tell you now," said he,
" I was sick all the while I was there ; and if I
had lived there till this time, I had been dead
a year ago."
193. — An Irishman being at a tavern, where
the cook w T as dressing some carp, observed some
of them move after they were gutted and put
into the pan, which much surprised Teague ; said
he, " Now of all the Christian creatures I ever
saw, this carp will live the longest after it is
dead of any fish."
194. — The Following Advertisement is
copied from a Dublin paper. " Notice is here-
by given, that the fox cover of Turnant is poi-
soned, for the preservation of the game. 20th
Aug., 1805."
195. — An Irishman having a looking glass in
his hand shut his eyes, and placed it before his
face; another asking him why he did so? " Upon
my soul," says Teague, " it is to sec how I look
when I am asleep."
J OK MILLER 85
196. — An Honest, Simple Irishman, a short
time ago, landed on one of the quays' at Liver-
pool, in search of harvest work. A fellow on
the quay, thinking to quiz the poor stranger,
asked him, " How long, Pat, have you broke
loose from your father's cabin? and how do the
potatoes eat now? " The Irish lad, who hap-
pened to have a shilalee in his hand, answered,
" O, they eat very well, my jewel, would you like
to taste the stalk? " and knocking the inquirer
down, coolly walked off".
197. — An Irish Drummer once executing his
duty of flogging an Irish recruit, the poor suf-
ferer, as is customary in those cases, cried,
" Strike high ! strike high ! " The drummer,
to oblige his countryman, did as was requested,
but the fellow still continuing to roar out, " The
d — 1 burn your bellowing," cried rub-a-dub,
" there is no plasing you, strike where one will."
198. — A Physician at Bath was lately com-
plaining in a coffee-house in that city, that he
had three fine daughters, to whom he should
give ten thousand pounds each, and yet that he
could find nobody to marry them. " With your
lave, doctor," said an Irishman who was present,
stepping up and making a very respectful bow,
" I'll take two of them ! "
199. — The Proverb says, " that idleness cov-
ers a man with rags." An Irish schoolmaster
thought the sentence might be improved : in con-
86 JOE MILLER
sequence of which, he wrote for his pupil, " Idle-
ness covers a man with nakedness."
200. — When Paddy Blake heard an English
gentleman speaking of the fine echo at the lake
of Killarney, which repeats the sound forty
times, he very promptly observed, " Poh ! faith
that's nothing at all at all, to the echo in my
father's garden, in the county of Galway ; there,
honey, if you were to say to it, How do you do,
Paddy Blake? it would answer, Very well, I
thank you, Sir."
201. — Two Very Honest Gentlemen, who
dealt in brooms, meeting one day in the street,
one asked the other, how he could afford to under-
sell him every where as he did, when he stole the
stuff, and made the brooms himself? — " Why,
you silly dog," answered the other, " I steal
them ready made."
202. — Bolivar was on the plains of the
Apure, with his troops in a starving condition,
and without the means of procuring food for
his army, unless he took a circuitous march of
many leagues, to which the strength of the men
was incompetent, or found means to arrive at the
point he wished to gain, by crossing the river
Apure, on whose banks, on the opposite side, were
plenty of cattle 1 , grazing within sight of the
nearly famished troops. The latter could not
be accomplished as he had no boats of any de-
scription, or timber to construct rafts; but about
midway across the river was a fleet of sixty
JOE MILLER 87
flecheras, which belonged to the enemy, and were
well manned and armed. Bolivar stood on the
shore, gazing at these in despair, and continued
disconsolately parading in front of them, when
General Paez, who had been on the look-out, rode
up and inquired the cause of his disquietude.
His Excellency observed, " I would give the
world to have possession of the Spanish flotilla,
for without it I can never cross the river, and
the troops are unable to march." — " It shall be
yours in an hour," replied Paez. — " It is im-
possible," said Bolivar, " and the men must all
perish." — " Leave that to me," rejoined Paez,
and galloped off. In a few minutes he returned,
bringing up his guard of honour, consisting of
300 lancers selected from the main body of the
Llaneros, for their proved bravery and strength,
and leading them to the bank, thus briefly ad-
dressed them. " We must have these flecheras,
or die. Let those follow Tio (uncle) who
please : " and at the same moment spurring his
horse, dashed into the river and swam towards
the flotilla. The guard followed him with their
lances in their mouths, now encouraging their
horses to bear up against the current, by swim-
ming by their sides, and patting their necks, and
then shouting to scare away the alligators, of
which there were hundreds in the river, till they
reached the boats, when, mounting their horses,
they sprang from their backs on board them,
headed by their leader, and, to the astonishment
of those who beheld them from the shore, cap-
88 JOE MILLER
tured every one of them. To English officers it
may apear inconceivable that a body of cavalry,
with no other arms than their lances, and no
other mode of conveyance across a rapid river,
than their horses, should attack and take a fleet
of gun-boats amidst shoals of alligators ; but,
strange as it may seem, it was actually accom-
plished.
203. — Ix the Gkeat Dispute between South
and Sherlock, the latter, who was a great cour-
tier, said, " His adversary reasoned well, but he
barked like a cur." To which the other replied,
" That fawning was the property of a cur as
well as barking."
204. — Ax Arch Boy being at a table where
there was a piping hot apple-pie, putting a
bit into his mouth, burnt it so that the tears
ran down his cheeks. A gentleman that sat by,
asked him, why he wept ? " Only," said he,
" because it is just come into my remembrance,
that my poor grandmother died this day twelve-
month."—" Phoo," said the other, " is that all? "
So, whipping a large piece into his mouth, he
quickly sympathized with the boy ; who seeing
his eyes brim full, asked him, with a malicious
sneer, why he wept? " A pox on you," said he,
" because } t ou were not hanged, }ou young dog,
the same day your grandmother died."
205. — Dr. Lloyd, Bishop of Worcester, so
eminent for his prophecies, when by his solicita-
tions and compliance at court he got removed
JOE MILLER 39
from a poor Welsh bishopric, to a rich English
one, a reverend Dean of the church said, that
he found his brother Lloyd spelt prophet with
an F.
206. — A Worthy Old Gentleman in the
country having employed an attorney, of whom
he had a pretty good opinion, to do some law
business for him in London, he was greatly sur-
prised, on his coming to town, and demanding
his bill of law charges, to find that it amounted
to at least three times the sum he expected; the
honest attorney assured him, that there was no
article in his bill, but what was fair and reason-
able. " Nay," said the country gentleman,
" there's one of them I am sure cannot be so, for
you have set down three shillings and four-pence
for going to Southwark, when none of my busi-
ness lay that way ; pray, what is the meaning
of that, Sir? "— " Oh, Sir," said he, " that was
for fetching the chine and turkey from the car-
rier's that you sent me for a present out of the
country."
207. — A Gentleman going into a meeting-
house, and stumbling over one of the forms that
were set there, cried out in a passion, " Who
the devil expected set forms in a meeting-
house? "
208. — When George II. in coming from
Holland, happened to meet with a violent storm
at sea, the captain of the yacht cried to the
chaplain, " In five minutes more, doctor, we shall
90 JOE MILLER
be with the Lord." " The Lord forbid," an-
swered the doctor.
209. — A Justice of Peace seeing a parson
on a very stately horse, riding between London
and Hampstead, said to some gentlemen who
were with him, " Do you see what a beautiful
horse that proud parson has got, I'll banter him a
little." " Doctor," said he," " you don't follow
the example of your great Master, Avho was
humbly content to ride upon an ass." — " Why
really, Sir," replied the parson, " the king has
made so many asses justices, that an honest
clergyman can hardly find one to ride if he had
a mind to it."
210. — A Great Deae of compan}^ being at
dinner at a gentleman's house, where a silver
spoon was laid at the side of every plate, one of
the company watching for a convenient oppor-
tunity, as he thought, slid one of them into his
pocket ; but being observed more narrowky than
he was aware of, the gentleman who sat oppo-
site to him, took up another, and stuck it in the
button-hole of his bosom ; which the master of
the house perceiving, asked him in good humour,
"What was his fancy in that? "— " Why," re-
plied he, " I thought every man was to have one,
because I saw that gentleman, over against me,
put one in his pocket."
211. — A Rich Farmer's Sox, who had been
bred at the University, coming home to visit his
father and mother, they being one night at
JOE MILLER 91
supper on a couple of fowls, lie told^them, that
by logic and arithmetic, he could prove those
two fowls to be three. " Well, let us hear," said
the old man. " Why, this," cried the scholar,
" is one, and this," continued he, " is two, two
and one, you know, make three.'"' — " Since you
have made it out so well," answered the old man,
" your mother shall have the first fowl, I will
have the second, and the third you may keep
yourself for your great learning."
212. — A Gentleman who had a suit in chan-
cery, was called upon by his counsel to put in
his answer, for fear of incurring contempt.
" And why," said the gentleman, " is not my
answer put in ? " — " How should I draw your
answer," cried the lawyer, " till I know what
you can swear? " — " Pox on your scruples," re-
plied the client, " pr'ythec, do your part as a
lawyer, and draw a sufficient answer, and let me
alone to do the part of a gentleman, and swear
to it."
213. — Ax Honest Welsh Carpenter, com-
ing out of Cardiganshire, got work in Bristol,
where, in a few months, he had saved, besides his
expenses, about twelve shillings ; and with this
prodigious sum of money, returning into his
own country, when he came upon Mile Hill, he
looked back on the town : " Ah, poor Pristow,"
said he, " if one or two more of hur countrymen
were 'to give hur such another shake as hur has
done, it would be poor Pristow indeed."
92 JOE MILLER
214. — One Telling Charles XIL, of Swe-
den, just before the battle of Narva, that the
enemy were three to one : " I am glad to hear
it," answered the king, " for then there will be
enough to kill, enough to take prisoners, and
enough to run away."
215. — A Poor Fellow, who growing rich on
a sudden, from a very mean and beggarly con-
dition, and taking great state upon him, was
met one day by one of his poor acquaintance,
who accosted him in a very humble manner, but
having no notice taken of him, cried out, " Nay,
it is no great wonder that you should not know
me, when you have forgot yourself."
216. — Marcus Livius, who was governor of
Tarentum when Hannibal took it, being envious
to see so much honour done to Fabius Maximus,
said one day in open senate, " That it was him-
self, not Fabius Maximus, that was the cause of
retaking the city of Tarentum." Fabius said
smilingly, " Indeed thou speakest truth, for
hadst thou not lost it, I should never have re-
taken it."
217. — Alphonso, king of Naples, sent a
Moor, who had been his captive a long time, to
Barbary, with a considerable sum of money to
purchase horses, and to return by such a time.
There was about the king a buffoon, or jester,
who had a table-book, wherein he used to register
any remarkable absurdity that happened at
court. The day the Moor was dispatched to
Barbary, the said jester waiting on the king at
JOE MILLER 93
supper, the king called for his table-book, in
which t lie jester kept a regular journal of ab-
surdities: the king took the book, and read, how
Alphonso, king of Naples, had sent Bel tram the
Moor, who had been a long time his prisoner, to
Morocco, his own country, with so many thou-
sand crowns to buy horses. The king turned to
the jester, and asked, why he inserted that : " Be-
cause," said he, " I think he will never come back
to be a prisoner again ; and so you have lost both
man and money." — " But, if he does come," says
the king, " then } T our jest is marred." — " No,
Sir," replies the buffoon, " for if he should re-
turn, I will blot out your name, and put in his
for a fool."
218. — Soon after the death of a great officer,
who was judged to have been no great advancer
of the king's affairs ; the kins; said to his solicitor
Bacon, who was kinsman to that lord : " Now
Bacon, tell me truly, what say you of your
cousin? " Mr. Bacon answered, " Since your
majesty charges me to speak, I will deal plainly
with you, and give you such a character of him,
as though I were to write his story. I do think
he was no fit counsellor to have made your affairs
better, yet he was fit to have kept them from
growing worse," — " O my soul," quoth the king,
" in the first thou speakest like a true man ; and
in the latter like a kinsman."
219. — A Young Fellow being told that his
mistress was married; to convince him of it, the
young gentleman who told him, said, he had seen
94 JOE MILLER
the bride and bridegroom. " Pr'ythee," said the
forsaken swain, "do not call them by those names.
I cannot bear to hear them." — " Shall I call
them dog and cat? " answered the other. " Oh,
no, for heaven's sake," replied the first, " that
sounds ten times more like man and wife than
t'other."
220. — A Very Ignorant, but very foppish
young fellow, going into a bookseller's shop with
a relation, who went thither to buy something he
wanted, seeing his cousin look into a particular
book, and smile, asked him, what there was in
that book that made him smile? " Why," an-
swered the other, " this book is dedicated to you,
cousin Jack." — " Is it so," said he, " pray let
me see it, for I never knew before that I had
such an honour done to me." Upon which, tak-
ing it into his hands, he found it to be Perkins'
Catechism, dedicated " to all ignorant persons."
221. — A Drunken Fellow having sold all
his goods, to maintain himself at his pot, except
his feather-bed, at last made away with that too ;
when being reproved for it by some of his
friends ; " Why," said he, " I am very well,
thank God, and why should I keep my bed."
222. — When King Charles I. was in great
anxiety about signing the warrant for the earl
of Strafford's execution, saying, " it was next
to death to part with so able a minister, and so
loyal a subject;" a certain favourite of the
king's standing by, soon resolved his majesty,
JOE MILLER 95
by telling him, " that in such an exigence, a man
had better pari with his crutch than his leg."
223.— A Person having been put to great
shifts to get money to support his credit, some
of his creditors at length sent him word, that they
would give him trouble. " Pox," says he, " I
have had trouble enough to borrow the money,
and had not need to be troubled to pay it
again."
224. — Count Gondemar, the Spanish am-
bassador here, in Queen Elizabeth's time, sent a
compliment to the lord St. Alban's, whom he lived
in no good terms with, wishing him a " merry
Easter." My lord thanked the messenger, and
said, he could not requite the count better, than
m by wishing him a " good Passover."
225. — A Lady seeing a tolerable pretty fel-
low, who by the help of his tailor and sempstrecs
had transformed himself into a beau, said, "What
pity it is to see one, whom nature has made no
fool, so industrious to pass for an ass." —
" Rather," says another, " one should pity those
whom nature abuses than those who abuse nature :
besides, the town would be robbed of one half
of its diversion, if it should become a crime to
laugh at a fool."
226. — An Old Fellow having a great itch
after his neighbour's wife, employed her cham-
bermaid in the business. At the next meeting he
inquired, what answer the lady had sent him?
" Answer," said the girl, " why she has sent you
96 JOE MILLER
this for a token " (giving him a smart slap in
the face). " Ay" cried the old fellow, rubbing
his chops, " and you have lost none of it by the
way: I thank you."
227. — A Busy Impertinent, entertaining
Aristotle the philosopher one day with a tedious
discourse, and observing that he did not much re-
gard him, made an apology, that he was afraid
he had interrupted him. " No, really," replied
the philosopher, " you have not interrupted me
at all, for I have not minded one word you said."
228. — Two Conceited Coxcombs wrangling
and exposing one another before company, one
told them, that they had both done like Wits:
" For you Wits," says he, " never give over, till
you prove one another Fools."
229. — Three Young Conceited Wits, as
they thought themselves, passing along the road
near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with
whom they had a mind to be rudely merry;
" Good-morrow, father Abraham," said one :
" Good-morrow, father Isaac," said the next :
" Good-morrow, father Jacob," cried the last.
" I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob," re-
plied the old gentleman, " but Saul, the son of
Kish, who went out to seek his father's asses, and
lo ! here I have found them.""^~"
230. — James the First of England, and
sixth of Scotland, though in some degree a man
of sense and wit, seems to have been remarkably
deficient in the more important talent of steadi-
■ .. - %
JOE MILLER 97
ncss and vigour of mind. It is said he was not
unconscious of this defect ; and that he was once
told of it in a very curious manner from the
pulpit. He heard of a famous preacher, who,
according to the fashion of the times, was very
witty in his sermons, and peculiarly happy in
his choice of texts. James got this person to
preach before him ; who, with all suitable gravity,
gave out his text in the following words —
" James /. and VI. , in the latter part of the
verse. ' He that wavcreth is like a wave of the
sea, driven by the winds and tossed.' " — " God's
chickens ! " whispered the king, " he is at me
already ! " The preacher went on, and trimmed
the king soundly. The text is genuine, and the
application of it witty, even independently of
the pun, which seems so well suited to the taste
of the times of " James I. and VI."
231. — A Simple Bumpkin, coming to Lon-
don, was very much taken with the sight of a
chair, or sedan, and bargained with the chair-
men to carry him to a place he named. The
chairmen, observing the curiosity of the clown
to be suitable to the meanness of his habit, pri-
vately took out the bottom of the chair, and
then put him into it, which, when they took up,
the countryman's feet were upon the ground,
and as the chairmen advanced, so did he ; and to
make the better sport, if any place was dirtier
in the way than the rest, that they chose to go
through ; the countryman not knowing but others
used to be carried, or rather driven in the same
98 JOE MILLER
manner, coming to his lodgings, gave them their
demand : returning into the country, he related
what rare tilings he had seen in London, and
withal, that he had been carried in a sedan.
"Sedan!" quoth one, "What is that? "—
' ; Why," said he, " like our watchhouse, only it
is covered with leather; but were it not for the
name of a sedan, a man might as well walk on
foot."
232. — A Youth standing by whilst his father
was at play, observing him to lose a great deal
of money, burst into tears ; his father asked him
the reason why he wept? " Oh, Sir, I have heard
that Alexander the Great wept when he heard his
father Philip had conquered a great many towns,
cities, and countries, fearing that he would leave
him nothing to win ; but I wept the contrary
way, fearing that you will leave me nothing to
lose."
233. — The Famous Mr. Amner g oni g
through a street in Windsor, two boys looked
out of a one pair of stairs window, and cried,
" There goes Mr. Amner that makes so many
bulls." He hearing them, looked up, saying,
" You rascals, I know you well enough, and if
I had you here I'd kick you down stairs."
234. — The Same Gentleman crossing the
water in a ferry-boat at Datchet, the good man
of the ferry being from home, his wife did his
office, and not putting in the boat just at the
landing place, Mr. Amner at his landing sunk
JOE MILLER 99
into the mud over his shoes, and going a little
farther he met with a friend, who asked, how he
came so dirty ; " 'Fore God," replied Mr. Amner,
" no man was ever so abused as I have been, for,
coming over Datchet Ferry, a scurvy woman
waterman put over the boat, and landed me clean
in the mire."
235. — In Flanders, a tyler accidentally fell
from the top of a house, upon a Spaniard, and
killed him, though he escaped himself. The next
of the blood prosecuted his death with great
violence against the tyler; and when he was of-
fered pecuniary recompense, nothing would serve
him but Lex Talionis. Whereupon the judge
said unto him, That if he did urge that kind of
sentence, it must be, that he should go up to
the top of the same house, and from thence fall
down upon the tyler.
236. — A Young Italian Gentleman being
led by curiosity into Holland, where having lived
some time conversing with the most ingenious,
was one day set upon by a Protestant minister,
who would needs engage him in a controversy
about religion. The young gentleman, knowing
himself too weak for the encounter, begged his
diversion, and endeavoured to 'wave the discourse ;
but the more he avoided it, the more hotly was
he pressed by the minister ; whereupon the young
Italian, in a very great passion, conjured him
by all that is good, to let him alone in peace with
his religion ; " For," said he, " I cannot embrace
L.oFC.
100 JOE MILLER
yours, and if you make me lose my own, I will
never make choice of any other."
237. — A Certain Duchess, in a late reign,
hearing that a man in a high office, which gave
him an opportunity of handling much cash, had
married his kept mistress ; " Good Lord," said
she, " that old fellow is always robbing the
public."
238. — Queen Elizabeth being much enraged
against Dr. Hayward, author of the Life of
Henry the Fourth, had ordered her law officers
to proceed against him; and, amongst others,
inquired of Bacon, if there was not treason in
the book? the witty lawyer readily answered —
" No, madam, I cannot answer for there being
treason in it, but I am certain it contains much
felony." — " How," eagerly exclaimed her ma-
jesty, " how r , and wherein? " — " In many pas-
sages," replied he, "which he has* stolen from
Tacitus."
239. — Dr. Hickringae, who w T as one of King
Charles the Second's chaplains, whenever he
preached before his Majesty, was sure to tell him
of his faults, and to scold him from the pulpit
very severely. One day his majesty walking in
the Mall, observed the doctor beside him, and sent
to speak to him : when he came, " Doctor," says
the king, " what have I done to you that you are
always quarrelling with me? " — " I hope your
majesty is not angry with me," quoth the doctor,
" for telling the truth."—" No, no," says the
JOE MILLER 101
kino-, " but I would have us for the future be
friends."—" Well, well," quoth the doctor, " I
will make it up with your majesty on these terms,
as you mend I'll mend."
240. — Tom Clarke of St. John's desired a
Fellow of the same college to lend him Bishop
Burnet's History of the Reformation ; the other
told him, he could not spare it out of his chamber,
but if he pleased, he might come there and read
in it all day long: some time after the same gen-
tleman sends to Tom to borrow his bellows ; Tom
sent him word, that he could not possibly spare
them out of his chamber, but he might come there
and use them all day long if he would.
241. — A Brave Dutch Captain being com-
manded by his colonel to go on a dangerous ex-
ploit against the French, with forces that were
unlikely to achieve the enterprise, the captain
advised his colonel to send but half so many men :
" Why so? " said the colonel, " to send but half
so many men? " — " Because," replied the cap-
tain, " they are enough to be knocked on the
head."
242. — King Charles II. on a certain time
paying a visit to Dr. Busby, the Doctor is said
to have strutted through his school with his hat
upon his head, while his Majesty w T alked com-
plaisantly behind him, with his hat under his
arm; but, when he was taking his leave at the
door, the Doctor, with great humility, thus ad-
dressed himself: " Sir, I hope your Majesty will
102 JOE MILLER
excuse my want of respect hitherto; but if my
boys were to imagine there was a greater man
in the kingdom than myself, I should never be
able to rule them."
243. — Oxe of Kixg James the First's chap-
lains preaching before the court at Whitehall,
made use of the following quibbles in his dis-
course. Speaking of the depravity of the age,
" almost all houses," he said, " were made ale-
houses ; that men made matrimony a matter of
money ; and placed their paradise in a pair of
dice: Was it so in the days of Noah? Ah,
no."
244. — Several Press-gangs infesting the
streets of the city and suburbs, one of which
giving umbrage to a merry punster, who had
just staggered from a tavern, into the middle of
them : he said pleasantly enough, " God bless his
majesty's arms ! But, as to the supporters, they
are beasts."
245. — Mr. Prior, when ambassador, being at
one of the French operas at Paris, and seated in
a box with a nobleman he was free with, who,
as usual in France, sung louder than the per-
former, burst into bitter invectives against the
last ; upon which his lordship gave over, to in-
quire the reason, adding, that the person he ex-
claimed against so fiercely, was one of the finest
voices they had. " Yes," replies his excellency,
" but he makes such a horrid noise, that I can't
have the pleasure to hear your lordship."
JOE MILLER 103
246. — A Living of 5001. per annum falling in
the gift of the late Lord Chancellor Talbot, Sir
Robert Walpole recommended one of his friends
as very deserving of the benefice, whom his lord-
ship approved of. In the interim, the curate,
who had served the last incumbent many years
for poor SOI. per annum, came up with a peti-
tion, signed by many of the inhabitants, testify-
ing his good behaviour, setting forth, that he
had a wife and seven children to maintain, and
begging his lordship would stand his friend, that
he might be continued in his curacy ; and, in
consideration of his large family, if he could
prevail with the next incumbent to add 101. a
year, he should for ever pray. His lordship, ac-
cording to his usual goodness, promised to use
his utmost endeavours to serve him ; and the rev-
erend gentleman, for whom the living was de-
signed, coming soon after to pay his respects,
my lord told him the affair of the curate, with
this difference only, that he should allow him 60/.
a year instead of SOI. The parson, in some con-
fusion, replied, He was sorry that he could not
grant his request, for that he had promised the
curacy to another, and could not go back from
his word. " How ! " says my lord, " have you
promised the curacy, before you were possessed
of the living? Well, to keep your word with
your friend, if you please, I'll give him the cur-
acy, but the living, I assure you, I'll give to
another : " and saying this he left him. The
next day the poor curate coming to know his
104 JOE MILLER
destiny, my lord told him, that he had used his
endeavours to serve him as to the curacy, but
with no success, the reverend gentleman having
disposed of it before. The curate, with a deep
sigh, returned his lordship thanks for his good-
ness, and was going to withdraw ; when my lord
calling him back, said, with a smile, " Well, my
friend, 'tis true, I have it not in my power to
give you the curacy ; but if you will accept of
the living, 'tis at your service." The curate al-
most surprised to death with joy, in the most
moving expressions of gratitude, returned his
lordship thanks, whose goodness had in a mo-
ment raised him and his family from a necessitous
condition, to a comfortable state of life.
247. — The Said Noble Lord, when he was
under the tuition of the Reverend , who
used to call him his little chancellor, one day re-
plied, that when he was so, he would give him a
good living. One happening to fall soon after
he was chancellor, he recollected his promise, and
ordered the presentation to be filled up for his
old master, who soon after came to his lordship,
to remind him of his promise, and to ask him for
this living. " Why really," said my lord, " I
wish you had come a day sooner, but I have given
it away already; and when you see to whom, I
dare say you will not think me to blame." So
putting the presentation into his hands, he
convinced him that he had not forgot his
promise.
JOE MILLER 105
248. — King Charles II., after the Restor-*
ation, told Waller the poet, that he had made
better verses, and said finer things of Cromwell
than of him. " That may very well be,'.' replied
Waller, " for poets generally succeed better in
fiction than in truth."
249. — An Honest Highlander, walking
along Holborn, heard a voice cry, " Rogue, Scot ;
Rogue, Scot : " his northern blood fired at the
insult; he drew his broad sword, looking round
him on every side, to discover the object of his
indignation ; at last he found that it came from
a parrot, perched in a balcony within his reach;
but the generous Scot, disdaining to stain his
trusty blade with such ignoble blood, put up
his sword again, with a sour smile, saying, " Gin
ye were a man, as ye're a green geuse, I would
split your weem."
250. — A Ploughman seeing the Archbishop
of Cologne go by, attended by a great many
soldiers, laughed ; the archbishop pressed him to
know the reason : " It is because I wonder," said
the ploughman, " to see an archbishop armed,
and followed, not by churchmen, but by soldiers,
like a general of an army." — " Friend," replied
the archbishop, " in my church I perform the
part of an archbishop with my clergy ; but in
the field I march like a duke, accompanied by my
soldiers." — " I understand you, my lord," an-
swered the peasant : " but pray tell me, when my
1C6 JOE MILLER
tord duke goes to the devil, what will then be-
come of my lord archbishop? "
251. — In a Visit Queen Elizabeth made to Sir
Nicholas Bacon, at a small country-seat, which
he had built for himself before his preferment;
she asked him, how it came that he had made
himself so small a house? " It is not I, Madam,"
answered he, " who have made my house too small
for myself, but your majesty, who have made me
too big for my house."
252. — It Was a Fixe Saying of my Lord
Russell, who was beheaded in the reign of King
Charles II. when on the scaffold, he delivered
his watch to Dr. Gilbert Burnet, afterwards
bishop of Salisbury : " Here, Sir," said he, " take
this, it shows time ; I am going into eternity, and
shall have no longer any need of it."
253. — Ax Ordinary Couxtry Fellow being
called as an evidence in a court of judicature, in
a cause where the terms of mortgager and mort-
gagee were frequently used, the judge asked the
countryman if he knew the difference between
the mortgager and the mortgagee: " Yes," said
he, " it is the same as between the nodder and
noddee." — "How is that?" replied the judge.
— " Why, you sit there, my lord," said the clown,
" and I nod at you ; then I am the nodder, and
your lordship is the noddee."
254. — Queen Elizabeth having taken notice
of the Duke de Villa Medina's gallant behaviour
at a tournament, told him one day, that she
JOE MILLER 107
would absolutely know who his mistress was : Villa
Medina excused himself awhile, but at last yield-
ing to her curiosity, he promised to send her her
picture. The next morning he sent her majesty
a packet; wherein the queen finding nothing but
a small looking-glass, presently understood the
Spaniard's meaning. It must needs be confessed,,
that this was a very ingenious contrivance ; and
there's no question, but this great and witty
princess, who was so well pleased to be accounted
beautiful, was well enough satisfied with this
dumb declaration of love.
255.— A Dyer, in a court of justice, being
ordered to hold up his hand, that was all black ;
" Take off your glove, friend," said the judge
to him. — " Put on your spectacles, my lord,"
answered the dyer.
256. — A Certain Captain, who had made a
greater figure than his fortune could well bear,
and the regiment not being paid as was ex-
pected, was forced to put off a great part of
his equipage ; a few days after, as he was walk-
ing by the road-side, he saw one of his soldiers
sitting lousing himself under a hedge : " What
are you doing there, Tom ; " said the officer. —
" Why, faith, Sir," answered the soldier, " I am
following your example, getting rid of part of
my retinue."
257. — Admiral Chatillon being on a holi-
day gone to hear mass in the Dominican Friars'
chapel, a poor fellow begged his charity, just
108 JOE MILLER
as he was most intent on his devotions. He felt
in his pocket, and gave him several pieces of
gold, without counting them, or minding what
they were. The considerable alms so dazzled the
beggar's eyes, that he was amazed at it. As M.
Chatillon was going out of the churchdoor, where
the poor man waited for him ; " Sir," said he,
showing him what he had given him, " I cannot
tell whether you intended to give me so large a
sum ; if not, I am very ready to return it." The
admiral, wondering at the honesty of the man,
said, " I did not, indeed, honest man, intend to
have given you so much ; but, since you have the
generosity to offer to return it, I will have the
generosity to desire you to keep it, and there
are five pieces more for you."
258. — A Gascon Officer, who had served
under Henry IV. king of France, and not having
received any pay for a considerable time, came
to the king, and confidently said to him, " Sir,
three words with your majesty, Money or dis-
charge." — " Four with you," answered his ma-
jesty, " Neither one, nor t'other."
259. — A Certain Italian having wrote a
book upon the Art of making Gold, dedicated
it to Pope Leo X. in hopes of a good reward.
His holiness finding the man constantly followed
him, at length gave him a large empty purse,
saying, " Sir, since you know how to make gold,
you can have no need of any thing but a purse
to put it in."
JOE MILLER 109
260. — A Countryman seeing a lady in the
street in a very odd dress, as he thought, begged
her to be pleased to tell him what she called it.
The lady, a little surprised at the question, called
him an impertinent fellow. " Nay, I hope no
offence, madam," cried Hodge, " I am a poor
countryman, just going out of town, and my wife
always expects I should bring her an account of
the newest fashion, which occasioned my inquir-
ing what you call this that you wear." — " It is
a sack," said she, in a great pet. — " I have
heard," replied the countryman, (heartily nettled
at her behaviour) " of a pig in a poke, but
never saw a sow in a sack before."
261. — Of all the disinterested professors I
have ever heard of, I take the Boatswain of
Dampier's ship to be the most impudent, but the
most excusable. You are to know, that in the
wild researches that navigator was making, they
happened to be out at sea, far distant from any
shore, in want of all the necessaries of life ; in-
somuch, that they began to look, not without
hunger, on each other. The boatswain was a
fat, healthy, fresh fellow, and attracted the eyes
of the whole crew. In such an extreme necessity,
all forms of superiority were laid aside. The
captain and lieutenant were safe only by being
carrion ; and the unhappy boatswain in danger
only by being worth eating. To be short, the
company were unanimous, and the boatswain
must be cut up. He saw their intention, and
desired he might speak a few words before they
110 JOE MILLER
proceeded ; which being permitted, he delivered
himself as follows : " Gentlemen sailors, far be
it that I should speak it for any private interest
of my own, but I take it, that I should not die
with a good conscience, if I did not confess to
you that I am not sound. I say, gentlemen, jus-
tice, and the testimony of a good conscience, as
well as love of my country, to which I hope you
will all return, oblige me to own, that black
Kate of Deptford has made me very unfit to
eat ; and I speak it with shame, I am afraid, gen-
tlemen, I shall poison you." — The speech had a
good effect in the boatswain's favour ; but the
surgeon of the ship protested he had cured him
very well, and offered to eat the first steak him-
self. The boatswain replied, (like an orator,
with a true notion of the people, and in hopes
to gain time) that he was heartily glad if he
could be for their service, and thanked the sur-
geon for his information : " However," said he,
" I must inform you for your own good, that I
have ever since my cure, been very thirsty and
dropsical ; therefore I presume it will be much
better to tap me, and drink me off, than eat
me at once, and have no man in the ship fit to
be drank afterwards." As he was going on with
his harangue, a fresh gale arose, and gave the
crew hopes of a better repast at the nearest shore,
to which they arrived next morning.
262. — A Proud Parson, and his man, riding
over a common, saw a shepherd tending his flock,
and having a new coat on, the parson asked him,
JOE MILLER 111
in a haughty tone, who gave him that coat ; " the
same," said the shepherd, " that clothed you — the
parish." The parson, nettled at this, rode on,
murmuring, a little way, and then bade his man
go back, and ask the shepherd if he'd come and
live with him, for he wanted a fool. The man
going accordingly to the shepherd, delivered his
master's message, and concluded, as he was or-
dered, that his master wanted a fool. " Why,
are you going away then," said the shepherd.
" No," answered the other. " Then you may tell
your master," replied the shepherd, " his living
can't maintain three of us."
263. — A Nobleman having presented King
Charles II. with a fine horse, his majesty bade
Killigrew, who was present, tell him his age,
whereupon Killigrew goes and examines the tail :
" What are you doing? " said the king, " this
is not the place to find out his age." — " O ! Sir,"
said Killigrew, " your majesty knows one should
never look a gift horse in the mouth."
264. — A Young Man, who was a very great
talker, making a bargain with Isocrates to be
taught by him; Isocrates asked double the price
that his other scholars gave him ; " and the rea-
son," said he, " is, that I must teach thee two
sciences, one to speak, and the other to hold thy
tongue."
265. — A Scholar of Dr. Busby's coming
into a parlour where the doctor had laid down a
fine bunch of grapes for his own eating, takes it
112 JOE MILLER
up, and says aloud, " I publish the banns be-
tween these grapes and my mouth; if anyone
knows any just cause or impediment why these
two should not be joined together, let them de-
clare it." The doctor being but in the next
room, overheard all that was said, and coming
into the school, he ordered the boy who had eaten
his grapes to be taken up, or, as they called it,
horsed on another boy's back, but before he pro-
ceeded to the usual discipline, he cried out aloud,
as the delinquent had done ; " I publish the
banns between my rod and this boy's breech, if
anyone knows anj^ just cause or impediment why
these two should not be joined together, let them
declare it." — " I forbid the banns," cried the
boy. " Why so? " said the doctor. " Because
the parties are not agreed," replied the boy.
Which answer so pleased the doctor, who loved
to find any readiness of wit in his scholars, that
he ordered the boy to be set down.
266. — Some Gentlemen being at a tavern
together, for want of better diversion, one pro-
posed play : " But," said another of the com-
pany, " I have fourteen good reasons against
gaming." — " What are those? " said another. —
" In the first place," answered he, " I have no
money."—" Oh ! " said the first, " if you had
four hundred reasons, }^ou need not name an-
other."
267. — A Young Feleow, not quite so wise as
Solomon, eating some Cheshire cheese full of
JOE MILLER 113
mites, one night at the tavern, " Now," said he,
" have I done as much as Samson, for I have
slain my thousands and my ten thousands." —
" Yes," answered one of the company, " and with
the same weapon too, the jawbone of an ass."
268. — When the late Duke of went over
lord-lieutenant of Ireland, he took an excellent
man cook over with him, but they had not been
there above a month, than, finding his grace
kept a very scurvy house, he gave him warning.
" What's the reason," said the duke, " that you
have a mind to leave me? " — " Why, if I con-
tinue with your excellency much longer," an-
swered the cook, " I shall quite forget my
trade."
269. — Poor Joe Miller going one day along
the Strand, an impudent Derby captain came
swaggering up to him, and thrust between him
and the wall. " I don't use to give the wall,"
said he, " to every jackanapes." — " But I do,"
said Joe, and so made way for him.
270. — A Certain Officer in the Guards tell-
ing one night, in company with Joe Miller, of
several wonderful things he had seen abroad,
among the rest he told the company, he had seen
a pike caught that was six feet long. " That's
a trifle," said Joe, " I have seen a half pike, in
England, longer by a foot, and yet not worth
two-pence."
271. — A Gentleman having a servant with a
very thick skull, used often to call him the king
114 JOE MILLER
of fools. " I wish," said the fellow one day,
" you could make your words good, I should
then be the greatest monarch in the world."
272. — A Lawyer being sick, made his last
will, and gave all his estate to fools and mad-
men: being asked the reason for so doing;
" From such," said he, " I had it, and to such
I give it again."
273. — A Thief being brought to Tyburn to
be executed, the ordinary of Newgate, in taking
his last confession, asked him if he was not sorry
for having committed the robbery for which he
was going- to suffer? The criminal answered,
" Yes, but that he was more sorry for not having
stole enough to bribe the jury."
274. — A Certain Poor Unfortunate Gen-
tleman was so often pulled by the sleeve by the
bailiffs, that he was in continual apprehension
of them, and going one day through Tavistock
Street, his coat sleeve, as he was swinging it
along in a hurry, happened to hitch upon the
iron spike of one of the rails ; whereupon he im-
mediately turned about, in a great surprise, and
cried out, " At whose suit, Sir? at whose suit? "
275. — Jemmy Spieler, another of the jocose
comedians, going one day through Rag-Fair,
a place where they sell second-hand goods, cheap-
ened a leg of mutton, he saw hang up there, at
a butcher's stall. The butcher told him it was
a groat a pound. " Are you not an unconscion-
able fellow," said Spillcr, " to ask such a price,
JOE MILLER 115
when one may buy a new one for that in Clare
Market."
276. — A Soldier in the late wars, a little be-
fore an engagement, found a horse-shoe, and
stuck it in his girdle; shortly after, in the heat
of the action, a bullet came and hit him upon
that part. "Well," said he, "I find a little
armour will serve a turn, if it be but put in the
right place."
277. — A Late Archbishop having promised
one of his chaplains, who was a favourite, the
first good living in his gift, that he should like,
and think worthy his acceptance: soon after
hearing of the death of an old rector, whose par-
sonage was worth about 300L a year, sent his
chaplain to the place to see how he liked it; the
doctor, when he came back again, thanked his
grace for the offer he had made him; but said,
he had met with such an account of the country,
and the neighbourhood, as was not at all agree-
able to him, and therefore should be glad, if his
grace pleased, to wait till something else fell:
another vacancy not long after happening, the
archbishop sent him also to view that; but he
returned as before, not satisfied with it, which
did not much please his grace: a third living
much better than either of the other becoming
vacant, as he was told, the chaplain was again
sent to take a view of that; and when he came
back, " Well, now," said my lord, " how do you
like this living? What objection can you have
116 JOE MILLER
to this?" — "I like the country very well, my
lord," answered he, " and the house, the income,
and the neighbourhood, but ." " But! "
replied the archbishop, " what but can there be
then? " " But, my lord," said he, " the old in-
cumbent is not dead, I found him smoking his
pipe at the gate of his house."
278. — Two City Ladies meeting at a visit,
one a grocer's wife, and the other a cheese-
monger's (who perhaps stood more upon the
punctilio of precedence, than some of their bet-
ters would have done at the court end of the
town),, when they had risen up and took their
leaves, the cheesemonger's wife was going out
of the room first, upon which the grocer's lady,
pulling her back by the tail of her gown, and
stepping before her, " No, Madam," said she,
" nothing comes after cheese."
279. — Young Griffith Lloyd of the county
of Cardigan, being sent to Jesus-College in the
University of Oxford, where he was looked upon
as an errant-dunce, had a calf-skin waistcoat,
tann'd with the hair on, and trimm'd with a
broad gold-lace, and gold buttons. One of the
Oxonians, an eminent punster, said, that Griffith
was like a dull book, bound in calf-skin and gilt,
but very ill lettered.
280. — The Famous Tony Lee, a player in
King Charles the Second's reign, being killed
in a tragedy, having a violent cold, could not
forbear, coughing as he lay dead upon the stage,
JOE MILLER 117
which occasioning a good deal of laughing and
noise in the house, he lifted up his head, and
speaking to the audience, said, " This makes
good what my poor mother used to tell me ; for
she would often say that / should cough in my
grave, because I used to drink in my Porridge.''
This set the house in such good humour, that it
produced a thundering clap, and made everyone
very readily pardon the solecism he had before
committed.
281.— Tom S , the organist of St. M ,
being reckoned to have a fine finger, drew many
people to hear him, whom he would oftentimes
entertain with a voluntary after evening service,
and his auditory seeming one day greatly de-
lighted with his performance, after the church
was cleared, " Adad, Sir," said his organ-blower,
" I think we did rarely to-day." — " We, sirrah,"
said Tom. — " Ay, we, to be sure," answered the
other :" What would you have done without me?"
The next Sunday Tom sitting down to play,
could not make his organ speak, whereupon call-
ing to the bellows-blower, asked him what he
meant? Why he did not blow? " Shall it be
we then ? " said the other. Which Tom was forced
to consent to, or there had been no music.
282. — A Certain French Gentleman, hav-
ing been but a very little while in England, was
invited to a friend's house, where a large bowl
of punch was made, a liquor he had never seen
before, and which did not at all agree with him ;
118 JOE MILLER
but having forgot the name of it, he asked a
person the next day, " What dey call a dat
liqueur in England, which is all de contradiction ;
where is de brandy to make it strong, and de
vater to make it small, de sugre to make it sweet,
and de lemons to make it sower? " — " Punch,"
answered the other, " I suppose you mean." — ■
" Ay, Ponche, begar," cried Monsieur, " it al-
most ponche my brain out last night."
283. — A Philosopher being blamed by a
standerby, for defending an argument weakly
against the Emperor Adrian, replied, " What,
would you have me contend with a man that com-
mands thirty legions of soldiers."
284. — Bishop Latimer preaching at court,
said, that it was reported the king was poor,
and that they were seeking ways and means to
make him rich ; but he added, " For my part, I
think the best way to make the king rich, is to
give him a good post, or office, for all his officers
are rich."
285. — Zelim, the first of the Ottoman em-
perors that shaved his beard, his predecessors
having always worn it long, being asked by one
of his bashaws, why he altered the custom of his
predecessors? answered, "Because you bashaws
shall not lead me by the beard as you did them."
286. — It Being Toed Antigonus, in order to
intimidate him, as he marched to the field of
battle, that the enemy would shoot such volleys
of arrows as would intercept the light of the
JOE MILLER 119
sun : " I am glad of it," replied he, " for it being
very hot, we shall then fight in the shade."
287. — An Irish Gentleman gave orders for
a pair of boots ; and when his measure was taken,
he observed to the boot-maker, that as one of
his legs was bigger than the other, the boots
must be made accordingly ; when they were
brought home he put the big boot on the small
leg, and after trying in vain the small boot on
the big leg, he exclaimed, " Oh, you thief of
the world, I ordered you to make one boot bigger
than the other, and instead of this you have made
one smaller than the other."
288. — Sir John Stuart Hamilton, a man
of great pleasantry, w T as colonel of the carabineer
regiment, composed of his countrymen, in the
German war; and one morning, when the allied
troops were drawn out against the enemy in
order of battle, the carabineers w r ith some other
cavalry corps were posted upon the right wing,
opposite to a strong body of French hussars at
a considerable distance upon the enemy's left.
The commanders of the corps associated with
those of Sir John, advanced in the front of their
regiments, were haranguing their men to con-
ciliate all piques against their officers, and ex-
horting them to coolness, valour, and strict dis-
cipline, for the honour of their country in the
approaching engagement. When they had fin-
ished their speeches, Sir John advanced in the
front of his own regiment, and addressed them
120 JOE MILLER
with, " Good-morrow, my lads, how stand your
stomachs for fighting this morning? " — " Keen
enough, colonel," answered several of the brave
fellows. — " Then I can tell you, my lads, for
your comfort, that you'll have a belly-full of it
before night. But hark ye ! I see it is the
fashion to make fine speeches here ; I think few
words amongst friends are best. Do you see
them fellows yonder? " pointing to the French
cavalry. — " We do," answered the soldiers. —
" Then," said the commander, " I have only to
tell you, that if you don't kill them, they'll kill
you : so a word to the wise is enough." The gal-
lant regiment took the hint, and covered them-
selves with glory during the action.
289. — Sir John, who had severely suffered in
person and circumstances from the persecutions
of the law, used to say, that an attorney was
like a hedge-hog, for it was impossible to touch
him anywhere without pricking one's fingers.
290. — The Same Witty Baronet, lounging
one day in Dalby's chocolate-house, when, after
a long drought, there fell a torrent of rain : a
country gentleman observed, " This is a most de-
lightful rain : I hope it will bring up everything
out of the ground." — " By Jove, Sir," said Sir
John, " I hope not ; for I have sowed three wives
in it, and I should be very sorry to see them
come up again."
291. — Sir John being balloted on an elec-
tion committee, was a good deal embarrassed,
JOE MILLER 121
sitting day after day, without any prospect of
a termination, as the counsel on both sides
wrangled upon every tittle of evidence, and dis-
puted upon points of law that were continually
arising. At length the baronet addressed the
counsel, " Gentlemen, I've got such a dose of
law that I am completely surfeited. Can't you
go through the evidence, and reserve those law
points for some wet day, when we may hear you
argue them fairly." — " For the honour of the
profession," answered Counsellor Hockett, " God
forbid, Sir John, that there was any point could
arise on which two lawyers would not agree in
opinion."
293. — A Lady observing in company, how
glorious and useful a body the sun was, — " Why,
yes, madam," said an Irish gentleman present,
" the sun is a very fine body, to be sure ; but,
in my opinion, the moon is much more usef ul ;
for the moon affords us light in the night-time,
when we really want it ; whereas we have the
sun with us in the day-time, when w r e have no oc-
casion for it."
293. — Shortly after the last memorable vic-
tory of Lord Rodney, on the 12th of April, 1782,
the following British bulls in a London newspa-
per, excited considerable mirth amongst the wags
in Ireland, who observed, that although the Eng-
lish are great bunglers in making bulls for Irish-
men, they are sometimes good hands at making
blunders of their own. The Ville de Paris, of
122 JOE MILLER
110 guns, taken in Lord Rodney's engagement
with the French, on the 12th of April, and lost
in coming home from the West Indies, is to be
rebuilt at Chatham, and the Foudroyant, of 80
guns, broken up last year, is to be rebuilt
at Plymouth, in order to perpetuate their
names.
29-L — A Judge, on passing sentence of death
upon an Irishman, said as usual, " I have nothing
now to do but to pass the dreadful sentence of
the law upon you." — " Oh, don't trouble your-
self on my account," interrupted Pat. — " I must
do nry duty," resumed the judge. " You must
go from hence to the place of execution, where
you are to be hanged by }T>ur neck till you are
dead : and the Lord have mercy on your soul ! "
— " I am much obliged to you," says the pris-
oner, " but I never heard of anyone thriving
after your prayers.'"
295. — Ax Irish Officer, after having read
the accounts of Bonaparte's death, said, " This
rebel thief has had as many lives as one Plutarch
that I read when I was at school ; and has cost
the gipsies as man} r floggings as Plutarch cost
me."
296. — A Quaker, that was a barber, being
sued by the parson for tithes, Yea and Nay went
to him, and demanded the reason why he troubled
him, as he had never any dealing with him in his
whole life ; " Why," sa}'s the parson, " it is for
tithes."—" For tithes," says the quaker, " I
JOE MILLER 123
pr'ythee friend upon what account? " — " Why,"
says the parson, " for preaching in the church."
— " Alas, then," replied the quaker, " I have
nothing to pay thee; for I come not there." —
" Oh, but you might," says the parson, " for the
doors are always open at convenient times ; " and
thereupon said he would be paid, seeing it was
his due. Yea and Nay hereupon shook his head,
and making several wry faces, departed, and im-
mediately entered his action (it being a corpora-
tion town) against the parson for forty shillings.
The parson, upon notice of this, came to him,
and very hotly demanded, why he put such dis-
grace upon him ; and for what he owed him the
money? " Truly, friend," replied the quaker,
" for trimming." — " For trimming? " said the
parson, " why I was never trimmed by you in my
life." — " Oh ! but thou mightest have come and
been trimmed, if thou hadst pleased, for my doors
are always open at convenient times, as well as
thine."
297. — Specimen of Cockney diction, tran-
scribed from the original, stuck up in a window
on Ludgate Hill, in 1789:
" To be seen hear, the 20 third of this month,
the King, and his Crown, and Dig Nighty, in a
percession to Sint Pals' Church. — Front Parlore,
9s. 6d. dining rome, 5s. two pare stares, 4s. gar-
ret, 1 s. gutter, 6d. N. B. I vont heve no more
nor ten in the gutter, nor no money returned in
case as how it rains."
124 JOE MILLER
298. — Sir Toby Butler the famed Irish bar-
rister, once invited Sir Charles Coote to dinner;
he knew that his guest valued himself on a long
list of ancestry, in which Sir Toby could have
rivalled him if he had not prized himself on his
own merit. At dinner Sir Toby used to cry out,
" Tell my cousin Pat the butler, tell my cousin
Oonah the cook, tell my cousin Terry the groom,
such and such a thing." — " What," said Sir
Charles, in a degree of surprise, " I find that all
your servants are your relations." — " To be
sure," said the knight, " is it not more praise-
worthy to retain my own relations for servants
than to keep yours ! "
299. — Doctor Kir wan, the celebrated Irish
chemist, having one day at dinner with him a
party of friends, was descanting upon the anti-
septic qualities of charcoal, and added, that if
a quantity of pulverised charcoal were boiled to-
gether with tainted meat, it would remove all
symptoms of putrescence, and render it per-
fectly sweet. Shortly afterwards, the doctor
helped a gentleman to a slice of boiled leg of
mutton, which was so far advanced in the haut-
gout as to shed an odour not very agreeable to
the noses of the company. The gentleman re-
peatedly turned it upon his plate, without ven-
turing to taste it ; and the doctor observing him
said, " Sir, perhaps you don't like mutton? " —
" O yes, Doctor," he replied, " I am very fond of
mutton, but I do not think the cook has boiled
charcoal enough with it."
JOE MILLER
125
300. — Doctor Lucas, the celebrated Irish
patriot, having, after a very sharp contest, car-
ried the election as a representative in parlia-
ment for the city of Dublin, was met, a few days
after, by a lady whose whole family were very
warm in the interest of the unsuccessful candi-
date ; " Well, doctor," said she, " I find you have
gained the election." — " Yes, madam." — " No
wonder, sir, all the blackguards voted for you."
— " No, madam, your two sons did not," replied
the doctor.
301. — A Mr. Gaynor, eminent for his good
humour and pleasantry, was invited to dine on
a Friday with a Catholic friend, and the table
was as usual on that day, covered exclusively with
fish. Gaynor, who was particularly fond of
haddock, seated himself near a very large one,
but soon received intelligence, through the
medium of his nose, that it was not too fresh.
He put down his mouth to the head of the fish,
and anon returned his ear to the same place, as
if he was conversing with it. The lady of the
house asked him what he wished, or was there
anything particular? " Nothing, madam," said
he, " but I was asking this haddock if he knew
anything of my poor friend, Captain Murphy,
who was drowned off the harbour last Monday ;
but he tells me, that he knows nothing of the mat-
ter, for he hasn't been to sea these three weeks."
302. — Dr. O'Connor, in his History of Po-
land, says that the Irish are long-lived ; that some
126 JOE MILLER
of them attain to the age of a hundred : " In
short," adds the doctor, " they live as long as
they can."
303. — Lord Tykawley, a little before his
death, was visited by several Englishmen, who
came under a pretence of friendly inquiries after
his health, but in reality to see if he was dying,
that they might apply for his employments. The
old general, seeing clearly their motives, said
to some of them, " Gentlemen, I know well your
reasons for being so solicitous after my health.
I have but two things worth having, my regi-
ment and my girl, neither of which will fall to
your lot; I'll tell you how they will be disposed
of; a Scotchman will get the one, and an Irish-
man the other."
304. — Deaf, giddy, helpless, left alone,
To all my friends a burthen grown,
No more I hear my church's bell,
Thau if it rang out for my knell;
At thunder now no more I start,
Than at the rumbling of a cart:
Nay, what's incredible, alack!
I hardly hear a woman's clack.
305. — Anthony Pasquin one day leaning
over the Margate Pier, after a tremendous storm
on the preceding night, " You have had a blus-
tering night of it," said he, to an Irish sailor,
who stood near him, " but after a storm comes
a calm." — " By my sowl, and so it ought," says
Pat, " for the winds and waves had a hard
night's bout of it, and it's time for them to rest
themselves."
JOE MILLER 127
306. — An Irishman, speaking of the rapacity
of the clergy in 'exacting their tithes, said, " By
Jasns, let a fanner be ever so poor, they won't
fail to make him pay their full tenths, whether
he can or not ; nay, they would instead of a tenth
take a twentieth, if the law permitted them."
307.— Mr. St. Leger, the father of the gal-
lant general, was a very strong man, but re-
markably foppish in his dress. One morning,
walking along in his red slippers, he was pass-
ing by a mud cart, when the scavenger called out
jeeringly, " Smoke Mr. Redheels ! " Mr. St.
Leger went up to him, and, taking hold of him
by the waistband of his breeches, flung him into
the cart, and then walked on with the greatest
coolness.
308. — During the late siege of Gibraltar, in
the absence of the fleet, and when an attack was
daily expected, one dark night, a sentinel, whose
post was near a tower facing the Spanish lines,
was standing at the end of his walk, whistling;
looking towards them, his head filled with nothing
but fire and sword, miners, breaching, storming,
and bloodshed ! By the side of the box stood a
deep narrow r -necked earthen jug, in which was
the remainder of his supper, consisting of boiled
pease. A large monkey, (of which there are
plenty at the top of the rock), encouraged by
the man's absence, and allured by the smell of
the pease, ventured to the jug; and, in en-
deavouring to get at its contents, thrust his
128 JOE MILLER
neck so far into the jug, as to be unable to
withdraw it. At this instant, the soldier ap-
proaching, the monkey started up to escape,
with the jug on his head. This terrible monster
no sooner saluted the eyes of the sentry, than his
frantic imagination converted poor pug into a
fine blood-thirsty Spanish grenadier, with a most
tremendous cap on his head. Full of this dread-
ful idea, he instantly fired his piece, roaring out
that the enemy had scaled the walls. The guards
took the alarm ; the drums were beat ; signal-
guns fired : and in less than ten minutes, the gov-
ernor and his whole garrison were under arms.
The supposed grenadier, being very much in-
commoded by his cap, and almost blinded by
the pease, was soon overtaken and seized ; and by
this capture, the tranquillity of the garrison was
soon restored, without that slaughter and blood-
shed which every man had prognosticated in the
beginning of this direful alarm.
309. — Daniel Purcell, who was an Hiber-
nian and a nonjuror, was telling a friend, when
King George the First landed at Greenwich, that
he had a full view of him : " Then," said his
friend, " you know him by sight." — " Yes," re-
plied Daniel, " I think I know him, but I can't
swear to him."
310. — An Irish Sailor having fallen from
the mizzen-top of one of our ships, was supposed
by everyone on the quarter-deck to have been
killed by the fall: the poor fellow, however, got
JOE MILLER 1£9
up, apparently but little hurt. The first lieu-
tenant, who was near him, inquired where he
came from. " Please your honour," replied
Paddy, all the while rubbing his arm, " I came
from the north of Ireland."
311. — Blind Peter, the Dublin shoe-black,
was one day summoned as a witness in a case of
murder, before the criminal court, and was, as
usual, primed with whiskey. One of his com-
panions had mortally wounded a carman with
his spud, or scraping knife, and Peter attended
as a witness for the prisoner. After a descrip-
tion of the circumstances which led to the catas-
trophe, in a style of phraseology perfectly un-
intelligible to the court, Baron Dawson observed,
" This witness is quite beyond my understanding.
— Pray, fellow, be more explicit, and tell us what
you mean." Peter answered, " Blur an ounds,
my lord, sure I'm not obliged to find you evi-
dence and understanding too, and if your lard-
ship doesn't know de languages, dat's not my
fault."
The learned judge found the best way to man-
age the witness was to bid him tell his own story,
in the plainest way he could, and Peter pro-
ceeded : —
" Well den, please }^our lordship, my gossup
at de bar was challenged by de carman to sky
de coppers for a pint of de stuff; and so dey
pulled out their louse traps, and tossed up for
the best in tree. Music, says de carman, maz-
130 JOE MILLER
zards, says my gossup, and he won. You flushed
dem, by dc hokey, says the carman. — You lie, by
G — , said my gossup. So wid dat 5 my lord, dey
agreed to edge de make at a motty; but dere de
carman had no change, for my gossup touched
de spud so tight every pitch, dat if it was butter
he'd ha' stuck in it. So upon dat, your honour,
de carman miffed and began to be snotty. Your
soul to de gallice, says my gossup, what d'ye
mean by dat. If you have a mind for a row,
peel yourself, and we'll see it out in a genteel
way. My gossup is as tight a bit of flesh, my
lord, as ever nipp'd de weed. And so upon dat
de carman didn't do de decent ting; for while
my gossup was blanching his bacon, and just
taking off his flesh bag, what does de carman
do, my lord, but he gave him a dub with his
daddle, upon de snotter-box, and brought de
claret about his mug. Blue blazes to your soul,
you blood}' tief, said I, dat's not fair; — you
struck de man in his own shop: (for my gossup
had his foot in de basket all de while). So wid
dat, my lord, he struck him again ; and so my
gossup up wid his chir, and swore he'd give him
guts for garters; but I dun'na how it happened
dat de carman fell agen him, and somehow or
other, my gossup greased the chir in his tripes."
The judge, who was not the mildest man in
the world, said to the witness, " Get down, you
ruffian, there is no understanding your jargon."
Peter with great gravity, replied, " Oh, by
Jasus, since dat's de case I'm off; but I'll call
JOE MILLER 131
to-morrow when you're sober, may be you'd be
civiller den."
Perhaps a glossary to the evidence may be
as necessary to the reader, as it was to the judge.
To shy de coppers, means to toss up halfpence ;
louse traps, their combs used in tossing. Music,
signifies harps (the impression on Irish half-
pence) ; mazzards, head. Edging de makes at a
motty, means pitching halfpence at a particular
stone, and he that pitched nearest was the winner.
Stuff, means whiskey ; miff'd, means got angry :
and snotty, means saucy. Nipping de weed,
implies chewing tobacco. Peeling, or blanching
his bacon, means stripping naked. Dab with
his daddle upon the snottcr-box and bringing
the claret about his mug, means a stroke with his
fist that produced a bloody nose ; and the chir,
is the short scraping knife used by the shoe-
blacks. With these illustrations the testimony
of Peter may perhaps be somewhat more in-
telligible to the English reader.
312. — A Poor Physician, half doctor, half
playwright, who from all his exertions, in the
services of Hippocrates and Thespis, could
scarcely keep life and soul together, was one
morning posting to breakfast with a patron, in
his threadbare sables ; but had on a pair of new
white silk stockings. He stopped by the way
to have his crab shells japanned, i. e. his shoes
blacked, by the redoubtable Peter ; and when the
job was finished, he tendered the operator half-
a-crown to receive the difference. Peter wanted
132 JOE MILLER
to leave him in care of his shop, while he went
in search of change. The doctor could not wait,
nor would he trust him with the coin. Peter
would not give credit, and the doctor must not
depart without paying for his services. The
doctor, exasperated, rascalled and scoundrelled
the operator most furiously. Peter replied in
pointed slang. At length, however, finding the
halfpenny was not forthcoming, he says, " Well,
if I am to give credit, let me finish the job de-
cently ; put your honour's feet togeder dat I may
give de -finishing touch; " which, being done,
Peter with his polishing tool repeatedly slapped
the doctor across both knees. The doctor be-
came outrageous, struck the operator several
times with his cane about the head, and then
darted off in a fury. Some persons in the crowd
now collected asked Peter if he knew his cus-
tomer: "Aye," says Peter, "he is only a lousy
glister pipe, a mere foot soldier in the service
of death."
313.— During the rebellion of 1798, while the
regiment of ancient Britons were gallantly car-
rying the terrors of fire and sword through the
Wicklow and Wexford mountains, under the
command of Lieut. -Colonel Wardle, their com-
mander-in-chief, Sir W. W. Wynne, was de-
tained at Dublin, by a slight wound in the hand,
which, however, did not prevent him from walk-
ing about the streets daily, with his arm in a
crape sling; while his iron shod boots, and his
trailing scimitar, raised such a clatter on the
JOE MILLER 133
pavement, as could not fail to impress the rabble
with the terrors of his warlike presence.
Passing one day by the laboratory of Black
Dick, who succeeded Blind Peter, the shoe-black,
the artist's deputy says to his master, " I believe
dat's de man dey call Sir Watkin Win, of the
Welsh horse." " Well, and what of that? " an-
swered Dick. " Noting," answered the deputy,
" only dey say he's a great hero ; but I don't tink
he looks much like one." — " Your soul to the
gallice ! " rejoined Dick, " Do you want a goose
to look like an eagle?
314. — Loed Chancellor Clare, who seemed
anxious to banish from his appearance in the
streets all semblance of his rank, usually walked
from his house, whether to the courts, or to the
House of Lords, in his boots, a jockey frock,
and a brown bob-wig, and was, as the phrase
is, " up to all the cants of the mob." One day
he arrived in the House of Lords to take the
woolsack, and was wigged, robed, and in his
place, long before any of the peers attended, or
even the servants of the house expected his pres-
ence. He repeatedly called for the deputy Black
Rod, an old Milesian named Bryant Connor, who
was just then so engaged that he could not con-
veniently attend his lordship ; but some minutes
after arrived, when Lord Clare, in his jocular
way, says to him, " Why, Connor, you old dust,
I've been calling you this half-hour ; what's the
reason you don't attend the call of the house? "
-T-" Because, my Lord," answered Connor,
134 JOE MILLER
" I was engaged in attending the calls of
Nathur."
315. — It was one of the prominent com-
plaints against Lord Clare, in his elevation to
the seals, that he carried his political antipathies
with him even to the Equity Bench, and those
barristers who were members of parliament, and
had opposed the noble lord in his politics while
Attorney-General, usually received his marked
discountenance in the Court of Chancery. Mr.
Ponsonby, Mr. Curran, Mr. Egan, Mr. Fox, and
several others, experienced those marks of antip-
athy in a way highly injurious to their pro-
fessional pursuits, and have more than once
thrown down their briefs, and quitted the court
with marks of disgust and resentment ; while a
junior barrister, a nephew of the noble lord, with-
out talents or popularity, was distinguished by
his marked attention, as if with a view to throw
grist into his empty bag. The noble lord had a
favourite companion, a large Newfoundland dog,
which not only accompanied him through the
streets, but generally sat with him on the Chan-
cery Bench. One day while that celebrated
orator, Mr. Curran, was addressing his lordship
in an eloquent speech, Lord Clare, with marked
inattention and non-cholance, continued playing
with his dog, and fondly patting him on the
back. Mr. Curran, who had observed this for a
considerable time with patience, at length made
a full pause. The Chancellor missing the bar-
lister's voice, suddenly turned, and said, " Are
JOE MILLER 135
you done, Mr. Curran ? " Mr. Curran resumed,
and addressing the peer and his canine colleague,
answered, " No, my Lords, I thought your Lord-
ships were in consultation, and I was unwilling
to interrupt your Lordships. But now, my
Lords, if your Lordships are disposed to attend,
I shall proceed. Then, may it please your Lord-
ships, as I was proceeding to observe — " The
Chancellor felt the hit, beat down his dog,
laughed heartily, apologised for his inattention,
and requested Mr. Curran to proceed with his
argument.
316. — The Late Father O'Leary, of witty
celebrity, had once a pamphleteering war of
polemics with the protestant bishop of Cloyne,
in which the prelate inveighed with great acri-
mony against the superstitions of popery, and
particularly against the doctrine of purgatory.
Father O'Leary, in his reply, slily observed,
" that much as the bishop disliked purgatory,
he might possibly go much farther, and fare
worse."
317. — An Irish Gentleman, being asked
some time since, what brought him to London,
he answered, that he came to see the invisible
girl
318. — The Late Mr. Forbes, one of the
whig members of the Irish Parliament, and af-
terwards governor of the Bahama Islands, was
a remarkably tall lank man and a very facetious
companion. He was invited one day to dine
with a convivial party, of which honest Tom
136 JOE MILLER
Edwards, the witty surgeon, was to make one.
While the company were waiting in the drawing-
room for the arrival of Mr. Forbes, Edwards was
leaning out of the window ; some carpenters pass-
ing under it at the moment, with a long wooden
rain-spout payed over with pitch — Edwards sud-
denly started, and turned to the company, ex-
claiming, " God bless my soul ! poor fellow ! I
never heard a word of his death." — " Whose
death? " asked several of the company. — " Aye,"
said Edwards, with a heavy sigh, " poor Forbes,
for whom we are waiting." — " Dead ! " says one ;
" Forbes dead? " says another. — " No," says a
third, " I saw him yesterday." — " Oh ! if you
doubt my words," said Edwards, " I suppose
you'll believe your own e}^es. — Look out of the
window, and you'll see his coffin going by : "
pointing to the spout on the carpenter's shoul-
ders.
319. — The Veteran Counsellor Caed-
beck, one day cross-examining a country fellow,
as a witness, asked him in several ways, what he
thought a particular person to be, from his own
knowledge, hearsay, or belief; but could extract
no other answer than that, " he did not know,
and could not tell." — " Come fellow," said the
counsellor, " answer me on your oath : what would
you take me to be, if you did not actually know
my person, and should meet me in the street? "
— " Why then," says the fellow, " since you ask
me, I will tell you, Sir. — By vartue of my oath,
if you had not that wig and gown upon you, I
JOE MILLER
137
should take jou for a little ould pedlar: " (a
palpable hit). The learned counsellor was
silenced.
320. — As an Irishman was crossing the horse
road in Fleet Street, a one-horse chaise came very
near him, when the driver bid him take care,
when Paddy exclaimed, " By Jasus, if you run
over me, I'll knock you down."
321. — Robert Laing, a farmer of very ec-
centric habits in the north of England, staying
some time at an inn at Leicester, run up a bill
that he was unable to pay, and was in conse-
quence rather harshly treated by the landlord,
who swore, that if he did not clear the whole by
the next fair day he would sell his horse to dis-
charge it. When the day came, and Master
Boniface was preparing to put his threat in exe-
cution, Laing petitioned for a few hours' grace,
and the sole use of one of the stables ; which
being granted, he sent the town-crier into the
most public parts of the town, to proclaim, that
at such an inn, there was just arrived a wonder-
ful and miraculous horse, which was to be seen
by all curious persons for sixpence apiece, with
his head where his tail should be. So attractive an
advertisement drew an amazing crowd of persons,
who, on paying their fee, and being shown into
the stable, found poor Rosinante with his hail
tied to the manger. This each of them thought
too good a jest to be enjoyed singly, and not
wishing to be laughed at, blazoned the mar-
vellous horse in such glowing colours, that the
138 JOE MILLER
fellow, who stood at the door, received money
enough to have bought the fee simple of the
stable.
322. — The Wit and pleasantry of the late
Mark Supple are fresh in the memory of his
numerous acquaintance, and well known to all
the curious and eccentric circles of Westminster
within the last twenty years. He was an able
and eminent reporter of the debates in Parlia-
ment, and acquitted his duties in that depart-
ment with singular excellence, even when tipsey,
during the whole of a debate. Attending in a
crowded gallery one evening, when an important
question was to come on, and the house extremely
full on both sides, Mr. Pitt, and the whole of
the ministerial phalanx were in their places ; Mr.
Addington in the chair, maintaining, with solemn
gravity, the dignity of his office, and the whole
assembly mute as mummies in a catacomb, the
house had all the appearance of a Quaker's meet-
ing. Supple, tipsey as usual, gravely took his
pinch of snuff, and broke in upon the silence of
the house with an address to the chair : — " Mr.
Speaker ! — hiccup — I'll be very much obliged
if you'll be so good as to give us a song." The
Speaker was quite electrified. Mr. Pitt burst
into a loud and immoderate fit of laughter, and
several other members, after many fruitless en-
deavours to preserve their gravity, followed his
example. The Speaker called out, " Serjeant at
arms, do your duty, and bring that person to the
bar." In an instant the serjeant flew to the gal-
JOE MILLER 139
lcry ; and, with the grim authority of office, in-
quired who was the man that presumed to insult
the house. Nobody would peach; but the Ser-
jeant was, by some silent finger, directed to
Supple, upon whom the serjeant immediately
seized. Supple, with great coolness, said, " My
dear fellow, you're quite mistaken ; that sly, drab-
coloured gentleman (pointing to a quaker seated
in the front row, behind the clock) is the man
who called for the song; for my part, I have
no taste for music." The serjeant flew like light-
ning after poor Obadiah, and dragged him out
of the gallery in spite of all remonstrances, and
was only prevented from bringing him to the
bar, by the assurance of a gentleman from the
members' gallery, who witnessed, and laughed
heartily at the joke, that the quaker was not the
man.
323. — A Raw Young Caledonian, who had
recently made his debut in the gallery as a re-
porter, and had not got his ears into hearing
order, could just distinguish something about a
bill brought in by Mr. Curwen, " For the col-
lecting of the harbour dues in the Isle of Man."
The novice who sat next Supple, asked him what
that bill was called, as he could not distinctly
hear, " Oh ! " says Supple, " it is only a Bill to
prevent the harbouring of Jews in the Isle of
Man." This item appeared in the Morning
Chronicle of the ensuing day, and excited no
small degree of consternation amongst " our
peoples " in Duke's Place, who are said to have
1-40 JOE MILLER
very lucrative connexions with the smugglers in
the island.
324. — The Eve of All-Haleows is cele-
brated in Ireland, as an apple and nut feast;
and so general is this in the metropolis, that the
streets are thronged with women hawking those
fruits in every quarter. A brace of these priest-
esses, entering the hall of the Four Courts on
that day, pressed Counsellor Shannon to buy
some nuts. The counsellor answered, " They are
all empty, you baggages." — " They are the
more like your head, Counsellor," replied one
of the nymphs, and passed on crying her wares.
325. — A Worthy Alderman, captain of a
volunteer corps, at a field-day before Lord
Cornwallis, was ordering his company to fall
back, in order to dress with the line, and gave
the word — " Advance three paces backwards!
march ! "
326. — During the protracted debates upon
the subject of public scarcity in 1802, Mr. Wil-
bcrforce one night made a long and able speech,
in the course of which, he recommended great en-
couragement to the cultivation of potatoes, as a
source of cheap food for the poor. A reporter,
who was desirous of being attentive to every thing
which fell from that honourable gentleman, un-
luckily fell asleep, and only awaked just as Mr.
Wilberforce was concluding. He was extremely
mortified at having missed the speech, and asked
a droll " fellow-labourer," the well known Charles
Wilson, who sat next to him, to detail the leading
JOE MILLER 141
points of the honourable member's argument.
The other told him, with great gravity, that Mr.
Wilberforce had been extremely eloquent in rec-
ommending the culture of potatoes, that he in-
stanced their good effects in the gigantic stature,
broad shoulders, vigorous constitution, and come-
ly persons of the Irish peasantry, of whom he had
seen so many herculean specimens in his walks
through St. Giles and Covent Garden, and withal
lamented that his parents and guardians had not
fed him in his early youth upon those salubri-
ous roots, which would have rendered him tall
and athletic, instead of the tiny person he was.
This text was quite enough for the spinner of
eloquence, who amplified these points in his next
day's paper, to a speech of four columns, with-
out a single sentence of what Mr. Wilberforce
had really uttered. On the next day, being at
his post, as usual, Mr. Wilberforce rose with the
identical newspaper in his hand. The call of
" Privilege ! Privilege ! " echoed from several
voices, and Mr. Wilberforce addressed the chair,
by expressing his unwillingness at all times to
restrain the liberty of the press, or to oppose
the standing orders of the house, against that
usage which had long prevailed, of detailing in
the public papers what passed there in discus-
sion ; but where a gross misrepresentation was
made of the speech of a member, it ought not to
pass in silence. Pie held in his hand a report,
purporting to be a report of his own speech the
preceding night, and he would appeal to the
m JOE MILLER
house, whether it contained a syllable of what he
had said. (Read! read! echoed from all sides.)
Mr. Wilberforce put on his spectacles, and pro-
ceeded to the reading, but every sentence pro-
duced in the house a burst of laughter, until he
came to that part where he was stated to have
lamented that he had not been early fed upon po-
tatoes, and thereby rendered tall, broad-shoul-
dered, and athletic, instead of the tiny person
he was. This threw the house into a roar of
laughter, when Mr. Wilberforce himself, dis-
mounting his spectacles, good humouredly joined
in the laugh, and said, " Well, I protest the
thing is so ludicrous, that it is hardly worth se-
rious notice, and I shall pursue it no farther."
327. — The Humourist, whose hoax upon a
brother reporter produced this incident, was well
known in the literary circles, and " a fellow of
infinite jest: " but though he was himself a per-
son of much wit and pointed satire, he feared
foils more than Supple. For, like all wits, he
dreaded a retort, and had scarcely temper
enough to sustain a palpable hit. One night, in
company with Supple at a convivial party, Sup-
ple commenced a " galling fire " upon him, and
after exchanging a few shot, Wilson says to
Supple, " Oh ! Mark, we all know from whence
you coin your jokes, Joe Miller to wit." — " My
dear Wilson," said Supple, " Wit you may have:
but the less you say about coin the better, for it's
a commodity in which you seldom deal." This
was touching on the raw of poor Wilson's feel-
JOE MILLER 143
ings ; and he flow out of the room, fairly van-
quished without venturing a reply.
328. — A Young Munsterman, who was en-
tered a midshipman on board Lord Packenham's
ship, had the good fortune to escape unwounded ;
and when he returned on shore at Cork was grati-
fying the curiosity of his fond grandmother with
a detail of the sea fight, " Dear me, child ! " said
the old lady, " and were not the sailors all terri-
bly frightened at the firing of the cannons and
the shot flying about their heads ? " " Fright-
ened ! " answered the young hero, " no more than
if they were throwing snow-balls at each other."
329. — Louis XIV. asked Count Mahony one
day if he understood Italian? " Yes, please your
majesty," answered the count, " if it was spoken
in Irish."
330. — A Rider to a capital house in Watling-
street, being on a journey, was attacked a few
miles beyond Winchester by a single highway-
man, who, taking him by surprise, robbed him of
his purse and pocket-book, containing cash and
notes to a considerable amount. " Sir," said the
rider with great presence of mind, " I have suf-
fered you to take my property, and you are wel-
come to it. It is my master's, and the loss can-
not do him much harm ; but as it will look very
cowardly in me, to have been robbed without
making any defence, I should take it kindly of
you just to fire a pistol through my coat." —
" With all my heart," said the highwayman,
" where will you have ths ball? "— " Here," said
1U JOE MILLER
the rider, " Just by the side of the button." The
unthinking highwayman was as good. as his word ;
but the moment he fired, the rider knocked him
off his horse, and, with the assistance of a travel-
ler, who just at that time arrived, lodged the
highwayman in Winchester Gaol.
331. — The Late Earl of S kept an
Irish footman, and sent him one day with a pres-
ent to a certain judge; who in return sent my
lord half a dozen live partridges with a letter;
the partridges fluttering in the basket upon Pat's
back, as he was carrying them home, he set
down the basket, and opened the lid of it to
quiet them, whereon they all new away : " Oh !
the devil burn ye," said he, " I am glad you are
gone." But when he came home, and my lord
had read the letter : " Why, Pat," said my lord,
" I find there are half a dozen partridges in the
letter." — " Arrah," said Pat, " I am glad you
have found them in the letter; for they all flew
out of the basket, and I did not know what be-
came of them."
332. — Counsellor Mackmahon, had lately
a client of his own country who was a sailor, and
having been at sea for some time, his wife was
married again in his absence, so he was resolved
to prosecute her ; and coming to advise with the
counsellor, he told him he must have witnesses to
prove that he was alive when his wife married
again : " Arrah, by my shoul, that shall be im-
possible," said the other ; " for my shipmates
are all gone to sea again, upon a long voyage,
JOE MILLER 145
and shan't return this twelvemonth." — " Oh,
then," answered the counsellor, " there can be
nothing done in it ; and what a pity it is that
such a brave cause should be lost now, only be-
cause you cannot prove yourself to be alive."
333. — Ax Officer in full regimentals pass-
ing through a street in Dublin, apprehensive lest
he should come in contact with a chimney-sweep
that was pressing towards him, exclaimed,
" Hold off, you black rascal." — " You were as
black as me before you were boiled," cried sooty.
334. — A Young Man having asked an Hiber-
nian who was looked up to as a scholard, what
was meant by the posthumous works of such a
writer? " Why," said the other, " posthumous
works are those books which a man writes after
he is dead."
335. — On a Benefit Night at the Dublin
theatre, many particular friends of the actor
were let in at a private door, before the great
doors were opened, which w T hen discovered, a
gentlemen cried out, in a passion, " It is a shame
they should fill the house full of people, before
any body comes ! "
336. — An Irish Officer in Minorca was
found by a gentleman who came to visit him in
a morning a little ruffled, and being asked the
reason, he replied he had lost a pair of fine black
silk stockings out of his room, that cost eighteen
shillings ; but he hoped he should get them again,
for he had ordered them to be cried, with a re-
ward of half-a-crown to the person who brought
146 JOE MILLER
them. His friend observing that this was too
poor a recompense for such a pair of silk stock-
ings : " Pooh, man," replied he, " I directed the
cryer to say they were worsted."
337. — Admiral Thompson, when a midship-
man, served under the celebrated admiral, then
commodore, Boscawen, who was just such a dash-
ing fellow as our present Lord Cochrane. He
used to tell a curious story of an Hibernian tar
on board his ship, who landed with a party of
volunteers to surprise a French fort, upon one
of their islands in the West Indies. The party
landed some hours before daylight, and con-
cealed themselves in a wood at a short distance
from the fortress, while the officer who led them
reconnoitred the place.
Pat, who had taken an over-dose of grog be-
fore he landed, sat down and fell asleep behind
some brushwood ; but the enemy having been ap-
prised of the landing of the party, were advanc-
ing in force from the next village, with fifes and
drums, towards the beach, which taught the of-
ficers of the British to hurry their men on board
their boats, and return to the squadron ; but in
the hurry of this retreat Pat was left behind.
Having finished his nap by about six in the
morning, when the day began to dawn, Pat,
remembering the purpose for which he had
landed, and missing his companions, without
dreaming of their retreat, advanced towards the
French fort, which was only manned by a few
soldiers, and the greater part of them were asleep
JOE MILLER 147
in their guard house. He sealed the wall, killed
the first man he met with his cutlass, hauled down
the French flag, and then run round the rampart,
cheering most vociferously, with a pistol in one
hand and his cutlass in the other. The officer of
the enemy's guard, thinking the place was sur-
prised by a strong force, readily surrendered
his sword, and entreated mercy for his men, not
more than a dozen in number; whom Pat, like a
generous conqueror, permitted to retreat by the
postern, with their lives, to the next village,
about five miles' distance, where the main force
was quartered ; and having secured the gate,
his next care was to overhaul the signal flags,
where he had the good fortune to find a British
ensign, which he immediately hoisted at the flag-
staff, and stood by it cheering most vociferously,
and flourishing his hat aloft, in hopes of attract-
ing the notice of his commander, whose ships
lay just out of gunshot in sight of the fort.
The commodore, seeing the British flag flut-
tering over the French bastion, at first supposed
it to be a decoy; but some of Pat's shipmates
recognised him through their glasses, and the
boats were instantly manned, and a strong party
sent on shore, under the officer who had before
commanded. Pat, overjoyed at their arrival,
cheered still more loudly, and bid them come
round to the gate, where the draw-bridge was
down, and he would give them admittance.
Pie shortly derailed his operation ; but the of-
ficer seeing there was no time to be lost, spiked all
148 JOE MILLER
the guns, and laid a train to the magazine, and
immediately proceeded to his boats, having fired
the train, and blown up the place.
When Pat came on board, he was taken to
task by the commodore for having deserted his
party when on shore, and threatened to be put
in irons for disobedience of orders. " Oh ! by
Jasus, your honor," says Pat, " if that is all the
thanks I'm to get, only forgive me this time,
and I'll never take any more French forts as
long as I live again."
The commodore, highly diverted with his vin-
dication and promise of amendment, dubbed Pat
a post-boatswain upon the spot, and made him a
present of twenty guineas.
338.— Swift's Stella, who was an Irish
lady, being extremely ill, her physician said,
" Madam, you are certainly near the bottom of
the hill, but we shall endeavour to get you up
again." She replied, " Doctor, I am afraid I
shall be out of breath before I get to the top
again."
' 339. — Three Fishermen in a smack from
Baldryle, near Dublin, had proceeded some dis-
tance to sea on a professional trip, but were sur-
prised by a dreadful storm, and blown some
eighty leagues to the southward. Completely
out of their latitude, wet, hungry, and exhausted,
and without any compass or chart on board,
which, even if they had, they would not know
how to use, they fell in with an outward-bound
Indiaman, which, the weather being more calm,
JOE MILLER 149
they approached and hailed. " Whither are you
bound, a-hoy?" — "To Bengal," was the an-
swer. — " That's our own country," answered the
hailing fishermen, " and we arc bound there too,
our provisions are all out, can you give us any? "
The captain of the Indiaman rather surprised at
their project of a voyage to Bengal in so small a
vessel, bid them come alongside, and ordered
them a tierce of pork, some bags of biscuit, and a
keg of rum, and bid them fall into his wake, for
the convenience of more easily railing, as long as
they could keep up. The poor fellows, thank-
ful for his assistance, obeyed his instructions,
and after sailing two days and two nights, and
wondering they had not come to their destined
port, hailed again, and demanded how long the
voyage was to last ; they were astonished with the
answer, " Perhaps five months with fair winds."
— " Five months ! " exclaimed the other, " why
blur-an-ounds, we'd fetch it ourselves in eight-
and-forty hours, if we knew wh'ch way to steer."
— " Shiver my timbers ! " roared the boatswain,
" then you must be Lapland witches." How-
ever, this led to an explanation from the three
adventurers that Fingal and not Bengal was the
place of their destination, from which they were
then about five days' sail. The captain pitying
their situation, threw them a chart and a small
compass, directing them to steer a north-east
course. He might as well have thrown them
a pot-lid, for the poor fellows knew nothing of
charts and compasses, having studied all their
150 JOE MILLER
navigation within their native latitude, and
rarely quit sight of the land. They, however,
contrived with a strong iron spike to nail the
compass to their mast, and taking the sun for
their compass, they kept as nearly as they could
in the given direction, and by the favour of a
brisk and favourable breeze which sprung up,
reached their homes in about four days, to the
great joy of their sorrowing friends and neigh-
bours who had given them up for lost.
340. — An Irish Gardener seeing a boy
stealing some fruit, swore, if he caught him
there again, he'd lock him up in the ice-house,
and warm his jacket.
341.— At a late assizes in Ireland, a witness
was asked, whether, on a former occasion, he had
not given a different account of the transaction ?
He admitted the fact, but said that he was then
humbugged in the business. " Humbugged! "
replied the counsel, impatiently, " I do not un-
derstand the phrase." — " I thought," rejoined
the witness, " that everybody understood it : but
to explain it by a familiar instance — If I were
to tell the noble lord on the bench, or the gentle-
men who are sworn to try this cause, that you
were an able counsel, that would be to humbug
both judge and jury!"
342. — A Scotchman giving evidence at the
bar of the House of Lords, in the affair of Cap-
tain Porteus, and telling of the variety of shots
which were fired upon that unhappy occasion,
was asked by the Duke of Newcastle, what kind
JOE MILLER 151
of shot it was? " Why," said the man, in his
broad dialect, " sic as the}' shoot fools (fowls)
wi', an' the like."— " What kind of fools?"
asked the duke, smiling at the word. — " Why,
my lord, dukes (ducks), and sic kin o' fools."
343. — An Irish Gentleman was relating in
company that he saw a terrible wind the other
night. " Saw a wind ! " said another, " I never
heard of a wind being seen. But, pray, what
was it like? " — " Like to have blown my house
about my ears," replied the first.
344. — A Lad of the Hod ascending on day
with a portion of mortar, when he had attained
about the middle story a rung of the ladder
gave way under his foot, and he fortunately
landed, after a fall of thirty-six feet, with his
sitting-part upon a heap of loose rubbish. He
was instantly surrounded by a crowd who reck-
oned that he was killed. Pat, however, but
slightly hurt, instantly jumped upon his feet
and looking round the crowd, said, " By St.
Patrick, I'll howld you a gallon of portlier, the
tightest amongst you wont do that."
345. — During the mayoralty of Alderman
Sir James Shaw, a tall raw-boned Irish sailor
from Cork was brought before him, charged
with a desperate assault upon one of the street-
keepers, who had taken him into custody for
being riotous opposite the India House. This
officer told a very formal story, that the defend-
ant had assaulted him in the execution of his
duty, offered to mislest him, and he was very ob-
152 JOE MILLER
stropulus, and had struck him a violent blow
on the head. " What have you to say in your
defence?" asked the grave magistrate. — "Do
you believe him, my lord? " said the Irishman,
with a humourous look. — " I must believe him,"
replied the magistrate, " unless you can prove
to the contrary." — " Did you ever see a double-
jointed man, my lord? " pulling up the sleeve
of his jacket, and exhibiting his Herculean arm,
" if I struck him a blow on the head," continued
he, " he'd never tell who hurted him, for devil
a head he'd have on his shoulders. He might as
well get a kick from one of your lordship's
coach horses, as a whack of my fist." — " Well,
my good friend," said the magistrate, who saw
there was more of malice than truth in the accu-
sation, " you seem to be a good-humoured fellow,
and if I dismiss you this time, will you go quietly
to your ship, and raise no more riots? " — " Oh!
'pon honour, my lord, as quiet as a lamb ; but
hark'ee, Mister Street Keeper, no more of your
Hurroo Pats, if you plase."
346. — Pat having paid London a visit for
the first time on a Sunday, and seeing the ladies
walking with their reticules in their hands, ex-
claimed, " Ah ! by St. Patrick, the English girls
I see are knowing ones ; no one, faith and troth,
can pick their pockets, except they run away
with their purses out of their hands."
347. — Caro.lan, the celebrated Irish bard,
had an insatiable fondness for whiskey, and re-
fusing his gratification, was a certain method of
JOE MILLER 153
raising his satire. Residing for some time in
the house of a parsimonious lady, he happened
one day as he sat playing on his harp, to hear
O'Flin the butler unlocking the cellar door, he
instantly arose, and following the man, re-
quested a glass of his favourite beverage; but
the fellow thrust him rudely out of the cellar,
declaring he would give him nothing unless he
had orders from his mistress. The insulted and
indignant bard instantly uttered the following
bitter epigram: —
" What a pity hell-gates are not kept by O'Flin,
So surly a dog would let nobody in."
348. — An Irish Soldier pretending dumb-
ness, and the surgeon of the regiment, after sev-
eral attempts to restore him, declaring him incur-
able, was discharged. He, a short time after-
wards enlisted in another corps, and being recog-
nised by an old comrade, and questioned how he
learned to speak? " By the powers," replied
Terence, " ten guineas would make any man
speak.'"
349. — A Singer once complaining to Mr.
Jeffery that himself and his brother (both of
whom were deemed simpletons), had been or-
dered to take ass's milk, but that on account of
its expensiveness, he hardly knew what he should
do. " Do? " cried Mr. Jeffery, " why suck one
another, to be sure."
350. — The Facetious Marcus Supple,
some of whose pleasantries we have before men-
154 JOE MILLER
tioned, was one evening in the galley of the
House of Commons, when a Caledonian gentle-
man, the proprietor of the morning paper for
which Marcus was retained as a reporter, entered
the crowded galleiy with a friend from Edin-
burgh, whom he wished to introduce to the novel-
ties of the British senate. The latter took a
standing post in Supple's front with the stern
close to his face. Marcus, tipsey as usual, ad-
dressed the Caledonian very civilly, " I'll be
much obliged to } r ou, Sir, if you'll be so good
as to remove your snuff-box, as I don't much
like the odour of your Edinburgh flowers."
The Scot in a surly mood complained of
this indignity to his inductor, who, thinking
himself entitled to take a rough liberty with
the wit, told him, " he thought it was vary
extraordinary that he couldn't be watty without
being impartfnent." — "Oh! for the matter of
that," said Supple, " it is not more extraordinary
than that some of my Scotch friends can be very
impertinent without being witty."
351. — Sterne, so celebrated as the author of
Tristram Shandy, and the Sentimental Journey,
was of Cambridge University ; no strict priest,
but, as a clergyman, not likely to hear with in-
difference his whole fraternity treated contemp-
tuously. Being one day in a coffee-house, he ob-
served a spruce powdered young fellow by the
fire-side, who was speaking of the clergy, in a
mass, as n body of disciplined impostors and sys-
tematic hypocrites. Sterne got up, while the
JOE MILLER 155
young man was haranguing, and approached
towards the fire, patting and coaxing all the way
a favourite little dog. Coming at length towards
the gentleman, he took up the dog, still continu-
ing to pat him, and addressed the young fellow —
" Sir, this would be the prettiest little animal in
the world, had he not one disorder ! " — " What
disorder is that? " replied the young fellow.
" Why, sir," said Sterne, " one that always makes
him bark when he sees a gentleman in black." —
" That is a singular disorder," replied the young
fellow ; " pray, how long has he had it?" —
" Sir," replied Sterne, looking at him with af-
fected gentleness, " ever since he was a puppy ! "
352. — A Witness was called upon to testify
concerning the reputation of another witness for
veracity. " Why," said he, " I hardly know what
to tell you, M.— — sometimes jests and jokes,
and then I don't believe him ; but when he under-
takes to tell anything for a fact, I believe him
about as much as I do the rest of my neighbours"
353. — A Cantab, one day observing a raga-
muffin-looking boy scratching his head at the
door of Mr. , bookseller, in Cambridge,
where he was begging, and thinking to pass a
joke upon him, said—" So, Jack, you are pick-
ing them out, are you? " — " Nah, sar," retorted
the urchin, " I takes 'em as they come ! "
354. — Louis XIV. passing through Rheims,
in 1666, was harangued by the Mayor, who, pre-
senting to him some bottles of wine and pears,
said to him — " Sire, we bring to your Majesty
156 J0£ MILLER
our wine, our pears, and our hearts ; we have
nothing better." The king tapped him on the
shoulder, saying — " Such speeches do I like."
355. — Samuel Baldwin, a gentleman of
Hampshire, had, by his will, in the year 1736,
ordered, that, after his decease, his body should
be thrown into the sea be3^ond the Needles, which
was accordingly complied with. On making in-
quiry into his motives for this singular disposal
of his remains, it was discovered, that he made it
for the purpose of disappointing a young wife,
who had frequently assured him, by way of con-
solation, that she would — dance upon his grave.
356. — An Amiable Hindoo, at Bombay,
being taken to a veranda overlooking the assem-
bly-room, where a number of ladies and gentle-
men were going down a country dance, his con-
ductor asked him how he liked the cheerful
amusement ; the mild Indian replied — " Master,
I do not quite understand this business ; but in
our caste we say, if we place butter too near the
fire, butter will soon melt."
357. — Not Very Long Ago, a gentleman,
who sometimes speaks his mind, was dining at the
table of a bishop, surrounded by gentlemen who
do not always do so — for they were his chaplains.
His lordship gave much into the marvellous, to
which the inferior clergy bowed assent. " And I
remember," cried his lordship, " when the old
palace of Ely was pulled down, there was a toad
found under the wall, at least eight inches across
the back, and twelve in length. The toad was
JOE MILLER 157
supposed to be a hundred years old." — " Won-
derful," answered the chaplains. " Wonderful
indeed," answered the gentlemen, " for it proves
that in those days there were no toad-eaters."
358. — An Irish Officer in the service of
France, having importuned Lewis the Fourteenth
in favour of a brother officer, the king inter-
rupted him as he was proceeding, and exclaimed,
" Your countrymen are troublesome." — " Your
Majesty's enemies say the same thing," returned
the officer; which put his Majesty in such a good
humour, that he immediately granted the request.
359. — An Oed Woman received a letter from
the post-office, at New r York. Not knowing how
to read, and being anxious to know the contents,
supposing it to be from one of her absent sons,
she called on a person near to read the letter to
her. He accordingly began and read — "Charles-
ton, June 23, 1826. Dear mother," then making
a stop to find out what followed (as the writing
was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed — " Oh,
'tis my poor Jerry, he always stuttered! "
360. — When Kleber was in Egypt, he sus-
tained, during five hours, with only two thousand
men, the united efforts of twenty thousand. He
was nearly surrounded, was wounded, and had
only a narrow defile by which to escape. In this
extremity, he called to him a chef de battaillon,
named Chevardin, for w T hom he had a particular
regard. " Take," said he to him, " a company
of grenadiers, and stop the enemy at the ravine.
You will be killed, but you will save your com-
158 JOE DULLER
rades." — " Yes, my general," replied Chevardin.
He gave his watch and his pocketbook to his ser-
vant, executed the order, and his death, in fact,
arrested the enemy, and saved the French.
361. — A Nocturnal Sketch.
Even is come ; and from the dark Park, hark,
The signal of the setting sun — one gun !
And six is sounding from the chime, prime time
To go and see the Drury-Lane Dane slain, —
Or hear Othello's jealous doubt spout out, —
Or Macbeth raving at that shade-made blade,
Denying to his frantic clutch much touch ; —
Or else to see Ducrow with wide stride ride
Four horses as no other man can span;
Or, in the small Olympic Pit, sit split
Laughing at Liston, while you quiz his phiz.
Anon Night comes, and with her wings brings things
Such as, with his poetic tongue, Young sung :
The gas up-blazes with its bright white light,
And paralytic watchmen prowl, howl, growl,
About the streets and take up Pall-Mali Sal,
Who, hasting to her nightly jobs, robs fobs.
Now thieves to enter for your cash, smash, crash,
Past drowsy Charley, in a deep, sleep, creep,
But frighten'd by Police B. 3, flee.
And while they're going, whisper low, "No go!"
Now puss, while folks are in their beds, treads leads,
And sleepers waking, grumble — " drat that cat ! "
Who in the gutter caterwauls, squalls, mauls
Some feline foe, and screams in shrill ill-will.
Now Bulls of Bashan, of a prize size, rise
Tn childish dreams, and with a roar gore poor
Georgy, or Charles, or Billy, willy nilly; —
But nursemaid in a nightmare rest, chest-press'd,
Dreameth of one of her old flames, James Games,
And that she hears — what faith is man's — Ann's banns
And his. from Reverend Mr. Rice, twice, thrice;
White ribbons flourish, and a stout shout out,
That upwards goes, shews Rose knows those bows
woes !
JOE MILLEIl 159
362. — -When the British ships under Lord
Nelson was bearing- down to attack Trafalgar,
the first lieutenant of the Revenge, on going
round to sec that all hands were at quarters, ob-
served one of the men devoutly kneeling at the
side of his gun. So very unusual an attitude in
an English sailor exciting his surprise and curi-
osity, he went and asked the man if he was afraid.
" Afraid ! " answered the honest tar, " no ! I was
only praying that the enemy's shot may be dis-
tributed in the same proportion as prize-money
— the greatest part among the officers."
363. — " Indeed, indeed, friend Tom," said
one citizen to another, " you have spoiled the look
of your nag by cropping his ears too close ; what
could be your reason for it? " — " Why, friend
Turtle, I will tell you — my horse had a strange
knack of being frightened, and on very trifling
occasions would prick up his ears as if he had seen
the devil, and so, to cure him, I cropt him."
364. — A Pedantic Country Schoolmaster
asked a sailor what was the third and half third
of ten-pence. The sailor, who was illiterate, but
unwilling to confess his ignorance, evaded giving
an answer by saying, that he did not choose to
give that knowledge for nothing, which had cost
him much trouble and expense to acquire : adding,
that he could propose a much harder question
than that. The pedagogue, peaked at this, ex-
claimed—" What is that ! "— " Why," said the
tar, " if a pound of cheese costs fourpence, what
will a cartload of turnips amount to."
160 JOE MILLER
365. — About Half a Century Ago, when i':
was more the fashion to drink ale at Oxford than
at present, a humorous fellow, of punning mem-
ory, established an alehouse near the pound, and
wrote over his door, " Ale sold by the pound."
As his ale was as good as his jokes, the Oxonians
resorted to his house in great numbers, and some-
times stayed there beyond the college hours. This
was made a matter of complaint to the Vice-
Chancellor, who was desired to take away his li-
cense, by one of the Proctors of the University.
Boniface was summoned to attend, and when he
came into the Vice-Chancellor's presence, he be-
gan hawking and spitting about the room ; this
the Chancellor observed, and asked what he meant
by it? — " Please your worship," said he, " I came
here on purpose to clear myself." The Vice-
Chancellor imagined that he actually weighed his
ale, and sold it in that manner ; he therefore said
to him — " They tell me you sell your ale by the
pound; is that true? " — " No, an't please your
worship," replied the wit. " How do you, then? "
said the Chancellor. " Very well, I thank you,
Sir," replied the wit; " how do you do? " The
Chancellor laughed, and said — " Get away for a
rascal, I will say no more to you." The fellow
departed, and crossing the quadrangle, met the
Proctor who laid the information ; " Sir,"
said he, " the Vice-Chancellor wants to speak
with you ; " and returned with him. " Here, Sir,"
said he, " here he is."—" Who? " said the Chan-
cellor. " Why, Sir," said he, " you sent me for
JOE MILLER 161
a rascal, and I have brought you the greatest
that I know of."
366- — A Lawyer, upon a circuit in Ireland,
who was pleading the cause of an infant plaintiff,
took the child up in his arms, and presented it to
the jury, suffused with tears. This had a great
effect, until the opposite lawyer asked the child
— " What made him cry? " — " He pinched me ! "
answered the little innocent. The whole court was
convulsed with laughter.
367. — Dr. Stukeley waited upon Sir Isaac
Newton a little before dinner-time ; but he had
given orders not to be called down to anybody, till
his dinner was upon the table ; at length a boiled
chicken was brought in, and Stukeley waited till
it was nearly cold, when, being very hungry, he
ate it up, and ordered another to be dressed for
Sir Isaac, who came down before the second was
ready, and seeing the dish and cover of the first,
which had not been removed, he lifted up the lat-
ter, and, turning to Dr. Stukeley, said — " What
strange folks we studious people are ! I really
forgot that I had dined."
368. — The Hon. Mr. Rigby, being one even-
ing at hazard, in a public place, was very suc-
cessful ; and having won a considerable sum, he
was putting it in his purse, when a person behind
him said, in a low voice to himself — " Had I that
sum, what a happy man I should be ! " Mr. R.
without looking back, put the purse over his
shoulder, saying — " Take it, my friend, and be
happy." The stranger made no reply, but ac-
162 JOE MILLER
cepted it, and retired. Every one present was
astonished at Mr. Rigby's uncommon beneficence,
whilst he received additional pleasure, on being
informed that the person who had received the
benefit was a half -pay officer in great distress.
Some years after, a gentleman waited upon him,
and, being introduced to Mr. R., acquainted him
that he came to acquit a debt he had contracted
with him in Dublin. Mr. R. was greatly sur-
prised at this declaration, as he was an entire
stranger. " Yes, Sir," continued the visitor,
" you assisted me with above a hundred pounds,
at a time that I was in the utmost indigence, with-
out knowing or even seeing me ;" and then re-
lated the affair of the gaming-table. " With
that money," continued the stranger, " I was en-
abled to pay some debts, and fit myself out for
India, where I have been so fortunate as to make
an ample fortune." Mr. Rigby declined taking
the mone} T , but, through the pressing solicitation
of the gentleman, accepted a valuable diamond
ring.
369. — The Late Duke of Grafton, when
hunting, was thrown into a ditch ; at the same
time a young curate, calling out, " Lie still, my
lord," leaped over him, and pursued his sport.
Such apparent want of feeling, we may pre-
sume, was properly resented. No such thing.
On being helped out by his attendants, his Grace
said — "that man shall have the first good living
that falls to my disposal — had he stopped to have
taken care of me, I never would have given him
JOE MILLER 163
anything: " being delighted with an ardour simi-
lar to his own, or with a spirit that would not
stoop to flatter.
370. — Dr. Henntker, being engaged in pri-
vate conversation with the great Earl of Chat-
ham, his lordship asked him how he defined wit.
" My lord," said the doctor, " wit is like what a
pension would be, given by your lordship to your
humble servant, a good thing well applied."
371. — Sir William B. being at a parish
meeting, made some proposals that were objected
to by a farmer. Highly enraged, " Sir," says he
to the farmer, " do you know that I have been to
two universities, and at two colleges in each uni-
versity ? "— " Well, Sir," said the farmer, " what
of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and
the observation I made was, that the more he
sucked the greater calf he grew."
372. — Sir W. Curtis was once present at a
public dinner where the Dukes of York and Clar-
ence formed part of the company. The Presi-
dent gave as a toast, " The Adelphi " (the
Greek word for "The Brothers"). When it
came to the worthy baronet's turn to give a toast,
he said, " Mr. President, as you seem inclined to
give public buildings, I beg leave to propose
Somerset House."
373. — One of His Majesty's Frigates,
being at anchor on a winter's night in a tremen-
dous gale of wind, the ground broke, and she be-
gan to drive. The lieutenant of the watch ran
down to the captain, awoke him from his sleep,
164 JOE MILLER
and told him the anchor had come home. "Well,"
said the captain, rubbing his eyes, " I think our
anchor is perfectly right, for who would stay out
such a night as this? "
374. — When Johnson had completed his Dic-
tionary, the delay of -which had quite exhausted
the patience of Millar, the bookseller, the latter
acknowledged the receipt of the last sheet in the
following terms :
" Andrew Millar sends his compliments to Mr.
Samuel Johnson, with the money for the last
sheet of the copy of the Dictionary, and thanks
God he has done with him."
To this uncourteous intimation, the doctor re-
plied in this smart retort:
" Samuel Johnson returns his compliments to
Mr. Andrew Millar, and is very glad to find (as
he does by his note) that Andrew Millar has the
grace to thank God for anything."
375. — A Gentleman, travelling on a jour-
ney, having a light guinea which he could not
pass, gave it to his Irish servant, and desired him
to pass it upon the road. At night he asked him
if he had passed the guinea. " Yes, Sir," replied
Teague, " but I was forced to be very sly ; the
people refused it at breakfast and at dinner; so,
at a turnpike, where I had fourpcnce to pay, I
whipped it in between two half-pence, and the
man put it into his pocket, and never saw it."
376. — A Little Boy having been much
praised for his quickness of reply, a gentleman
present observed, that when children were keen
JOE MILLER 165
in their youth, they were generally stupid and
dull when they advanced in years, and vice versa.
" What a very sensible boy, Sir, you must have
been ! " returned the child.
377. — A Lady observing Mr. Jekyll directing
some letters, one of which was addressed to Mr.
, Solicitor; and another to Mr. , At-
torney ; inquired what was the difference between
an Attorney and a Solicitor. " Much the same,
my dear madam," replied the wit, " as there is
between a Crocodile and an Alligator."
378. — Alderman Faulkner, of Dublin, in
his Journal, announced the accouchement of
" her grace the Duke of Dorset." Next day it
was thus corrected : — " For her grace the Duke
of Dorset, read his grace the Duchess of Dorset."
379. — One Evening, Tom Sheridan, after
sitting with his father over a bottle, w r as com-
plaining of the emptiness of his pocket. The
right honourable manager told him, jocularly, to
go on the highway. " I have tried that already,"
said he, "but without success." — "Ay! how?"
replied the father. — " Why," resumed he, " I
stopped a caravan full of passengers, who as-
sured me they had not a farthing, as they all be-
longed to Drury Lane Theatre and could not
get a penny of their salary."
380. — When Lucy Cowper was once examined
in a court of justice, one of the counsellors asked
her if she came there in the character of a modest
woman? "No, Sir," replied she, "I do not;
166 JOE MILLER
that which has been the ruin of me, has been the
making of you — I mean impudence."
381. — Dr. Cheyne, of Bath, and a Mr. Tan-
tley, were deemed the two fattest men in Somer-
setshire. When they were once sitting together
after dinner, Cheyne asked the other what made
him look so melancholy? " Faith," replied he,
" I was thinking how it will be possible for the
people to get either you or me to the grave after
we, die." — " Why, as to me," replied Cheyne
" six or eight stout fellows will do the business,
but you must be taken at twice."
382. — A Young Man, boasting of his health
and constitutional stamina, very lately, in the
hearing of Wewitzer, the player, was asked to
what he chiefly attributed so great a happiness —
" To what, Sir? — To laying in a good founda-
tion, to be sure. I make a point, Sir, to eat a
great deal every morning." — " Then I presume,
Sir," remarked Wewitzer, " you usually break-
fast in a timber-yard.'*
383. — A Crooked Gentleman, on his arrival
at Bath, was asked by another, what place he had
travelled from? " I came straight from London,"
replied he. — " Did you so? " said the other,
" then you have been teribly warped by the way."
384. — As a Certain Musician, who had a
very bad voice, was singing one day, he took no-
tice of a gentlewoman who fell a-crying; when,
imagining that the sweetness of his melody
awaked some passion in her breast, he began to
sing louder, and she to weep more bitterly. He
JOE MILLER 167
had no sooner ended the song, but going to the
lady he asked her why she cried — " Oh ! " she
said, " I am the unfortunate woman, whose ass
the wolves devoured yesterday, and no sooner did
I hear you sing, but I thought on my poor ass,
for surely never were voices so much alike."
385. — A Spark being brought before a mag-
istrate on a charge of horse-stealing, the
the moment he saw him, exclaimed — " giving
villain in your countenance." — " It is d to his
time," said the prisoner, very coolly, " C. the
knew my countenance was a looking- glass."
386. — An Evidence in a court speaking in a
very harsh and loud voice, the lawyer employed
on the other side exclaimed — " Fellow, why dost
thou bark so furiously? " — " Because," replied
the rustic, " I .' Vink I see a thief.'*
387. — A Countryman, on a trial respecting
a fishery, at the late Lancaster assizes, was cross-
examined by Sergeant Cockel, who, among many
other questions, asked the witness — " Dost thou
love fish?" — " Yes," said the poor fellow, with
a look of native simplicity, " but I donna like
Cockle sauce with it." A roar of laughter fol-
lowed, in which the sergeant joined, with his
^ 3? i ual good humour.
388. — There are three things which a good
wife should resemble, and yet those three things
she should not resemble. She should be like a
town clock — keep time and regularity. She
should not be like a town clock — speak so loud
that all the town may hear her. She should be
ai>
168 JOE MILLER
like a snail — prudent, and keep within her own
house. She should not be like a snail — carry all
she has upon her back. She should be like an
echo — speak when spoken to. She should not be
like an echo — determined always to have the last
word.
£$Q — A Forward Young Lady was walking
^ as ..nig on the Steyne at Brighton, when she
people t; red ft facetious f r iend. " You see, Mr.
we, le. ^5 ^-^ gne ^ u j am come ou t j- g e \- a
^ sun and air." — " I think, madam, you had
Jetter get a little husband first," was the reply.
390. — A Captain in the Navy, meeting a
friend as he landed at Portsmouth, boasted that
he had left his whole ship's company the hap-
piest fellows in the world. " How so? " asked
his friend. " Why I have just flogged seven-
teen, and they are happy it is over ; and all the
rest are happy that they have escaped."
391.— The Late Sir Samuel Hood, who
died when commander-in-chief on the East India
station, had a lieutenant on board, named Roby,
supposed to be a natural son of his. One night,
when Roby had the watch, a squall of wind split
the main-top sail. Old Hood ran out of his
cabin in a passion, and exclaimed — " It is all
your fault, Roby, you are the greatest lubber in
the British navy."—" Now," said Roby, " I be-
lieve what all the ship's company say to be true."
— " And what do the ship's company say, Sir,"
thundered out the commodore. " Why, that I
JOE MILLER 16
am the picture of you in everything." Hood
laughed at the sarcasm, and they were better
friends than ever.
392. — A Fellow stole Lord Chatham's large
gouty shoes ; his servant not finding them, began
to curse the thief. " Never mind," said his lord-
ship, " all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the
shoes may fit him! "
393. — When Mr. Canning was about giving
up Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he said to his
gardener, as he took a farewell look of the
grounds — " I am sorry, Fraser, to leave this old
place." — " Psha, Sir," said George, " don't fret;
when you had this old place, you were out of
place ; now you are in place, you can get both
yourself and me a better place." The hint was
taken, and old George provided for.
394.— A Party who had been rather overdone
by the potentiality of their beverage in a tavern
in Leadenhall street, staggered out of the house
while the watchman was crying past three o'clock.
This so much offended one of the company that
he insisted on the poor fellow's altering his tone,
and announcing it to be past eleven o'clock. The
watchman immediately complied, but being at
some loss how to finish his sentence, said, " Pray,
gentlemen, what sort of weather would you choose
to have?"
395. — As Mr. Reynell, a man of some for-
tune in the neighbourhood of Edinburgh, was
one day taking his ride, and being, according to
his own idea, a person of no small consequence,
170 JOE MILLER
he thought proper to shew it by riding on the
footpath. Meeting a plain farmer-looking man,
he ordered him imperiously to get out of his way.
" Sir," said the other, " I don't understand this :
I am upon the footpath, where I certainly have
a right to walk."—" Do you know, Sir," said Mr.
Reynell, " to whom you speak ? " — " I do not, in-
deed."— " Sir, I am Mr. ReynelL, of Edin-
burgh." — " Well, Sir, but that certainly does not
entitle you to ride on a footpath, and to drive a
humble pedestrian off it." — " Why, Sir, I am a
trustee of this road." — " If you are, you are a
very bad one." — " You are a very impudent fel-
low — who are you, Sir? " : — " I am John, Duke of
Montague." It is almost unnecessary to add that
the haughty Laird, after a very awkward apol-
ogy, went off into the main road.
396. — Ax Arch Boy belonging to one of the
ships of war at Portsmouth, had purchased of
his playfellows a magpie, which he carried to his
father's house : and was at the door feeding it,
when a gentleman in the neighbourhood, who had
an impediment in his speech, coming up — " T —
T — T — Tom," says the gentleman, " can your
mag t— t— t— talk yet? " — " Ay, Sir," says the
boy, " better than you, or I'd wring his head
off!"
397. — Two Sporting Men discoursing about
a horse that had lost a race, one of them, by way
of apology, observed — " That the cause of it was
an accident, his running against a waggon; " to
which the other, who affected not to understand
JOE MILLER 171
him, archly replied, — " Why, what else was he
fit to run against? "
398. — An Opulent Farmer applied to an at-
torney about a law-suit, but was told he could not
undertake it, being already engaged on the other
side ; at the same time he said, that he would give
him a letter of recommendation to a professional
friend, which he did ; and the farmer, out of cu-
riosity, opened it, and read as follows :—
" Here are two fat wethers fallen out together,
If you'll fleece one, I'll fleece the other,
And make 'em agree like brother and brother."
The perusal of this epistle cured both parties,
and terminated the dispute.
399. — A Common Councilman's Lady pay-
ing her daughter a visit at school, and inquiring
what progress she had made in her education, the
governess answered, " Pretty good, madam, miss
is very attentive : if she wants anything, it is a
capacity, but for that deficiency you know we
must not blame her." " No, madam," replied
the mother, " but I blame you for not having
mentioned it before. Her father, thank God, can
afford his daughter a capacity; and I beg she
may have one immediately, cost what it may."
400. — Mr. Loutherbourgh, the famous
scene painter, had a fancy that he could cure all
diseases, and accordingly prescribed liberally for
his friends and others willing to fall under his
hands. A person of great faith applied to
him for a cure for a very bad cold, and Louther-
Hi JOE MILLER
bourgh's advice was, " Doo you see, sare, can
you like to drink bran-tea? "
"Brandy," replied the patient, nothing loth
to find so palatable a medicine hinted, as he im-
agined. " Certainly, I have no objection to it
whatever." — " Vy, then," said Loutherbourgh,
" bran-tea, is the very ting for you. Take three,
four — ees, four — cups of it as hot as you can
soop — good big tea cups, just after break-
fast."
" What, Sir," asked the patient, rather
amazed, " Without water? " — " Vidout water,"
said Loutherbourgh, " vat do you mean ? No
more water than is the bran-tea itself ven made.
Take it as you get it. Take four large, ver large
coops, between breakfast and dinner, and ven you
find a change for better or vorse, come to me."
The faith of the patient was great, and so was his
swallow ; for five days he stuck to what he thought
was the prescription of the painter — was of
course drunk all day — and at the conclusion of
his exertions, in this way he came to Louther-
bourgh, full of gratitude for his advice — " I am
quite cured, Mr. Loutherbourgh," said he, " I
never imagined that brandy was so complete a
cure- — I feel quite obliged." " O, yes," said Lou-
therbourgh, " I was sure it would cure you, you
felt quite cool all the time you was taking it." —
" Cool," said the patient, " no, not exactly cool,
I was rather hot. Zounds, no man can drink a
quarts of spirits in the forenoon, and keep
cool."
JOE MILLER 173
" Spirits," said Louthcrbourgh, rather aston-
ished, " vy, there is no spirits in tea made of
bran."
" Tea made of bran! " said his amazed friend,
" it was hot brandy I drank." An explanation
of course followed — the gentleman however was
cured.
401. — In a Cause respecting a will, evidence
was given to prove the testatrix, an apothecary's
widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it was
deposed, that she had swept a quantity of pots,
lotions, potions, &c. into the street as rubbish. " I
doubt," said the learned judge, " whether sweep-
ing physic into the street, be any proof of in-
sanity." — " True, my lord," replied the counsel,
" but sweeping the pots away, certainly was."
402.— It is said that the Pope advised Pe-
trarch to marry Laura ; but that the poet re-
fused, because he feared that the familiarity of
marriage would extinguish his passion. A blunt
person, on reading this anecdote, observed,
" There is a fool, who won't eat his dinner lest he
should spoil his appetite."
403. — Some Soldiers once fell upon a watch-
man in a small town, in a lonely street, and took
away his money and coat. He immediately re-
paired to the captain of the regiment, to com-
plain of his misfortune. — The captain asked him
whether he had on the waistcoat he then wore
when he was robbed by the soldiers. " Yes, Sir,"
replied the poor fellow. " Then, my friend," re-
174 joe miller
joined the captain, " I can assure you they do
not belong to my company ; otherwise they would
have left you neither waistcoat nor shirt."
404. — A Gentleman returned from India, in-
quiring of a person respecting their common ac-
quaintance, who had been hanged after he had
left England, was told he was dead. " And did
he continue in the grocery line? " said the former.
" Oh, no," replied the other, " he was quite in a
different line when he died."
405. — In Queen Anne's Reign, the Lord
Bateman married three wives, all of whom were
his servants. A beggar woman, meeting him one
day in the street, made him a very low courtesy :
" Ah ! God Almighty bless } r ou," said she, " and
send you a long life ; if you do but live long
enough, we shall be all ladies in time."
406.- — A Tanner near Swaffham, in Norfolk,
invited the supervisor to dine with him, and after
pushing the bottle about briskly, the supervisor
took his leave; but in passing through the tan-
yard, he unfortunately fell into a vat, and called
lustily for the tanner's assistance to get him out,
but to no purpose: " For," said the tanner, " if
I draw any hides without giving twelve hours'
notice, I shall be exchequered and ruined; but
I'll go and inform the exciseman."
407. — A Man who had been quaffing porter
till he was completely drunk, hiccupped out, that
porter was both meat and drink. Soon after,
going home, he tumbled into a ditch ; on which,
a companion, who was leading him, observed, that
JOE MILLER 175
it was not only meat and drink to him, but wash-
ing and lodging too.
408. — A Highwayman meeting a counsellor
in his chariot, on the Surrey-road, presented a
blunderbuss, and demanded his money, with the
usual compliment. The gentleman readily sur-
rendered about sixty guineas, but kindly told the
thief, that, for his own safety, he had better put
the robbery on the footing of an exchange, by
selling him the blunderbuss for what he had just
taken from him. " With all my heart," said the
highwayman, and gave it to the advocate, who
immediately turned the muzzle, and told him,
" that if he did not re-deliver his purse, he would
shoot him." " That you may do if you can,"
replied Turpin, " for I promise you it is not
loaded," and rode off very coolly with his booty.
409. — A Fashionable Countess, asking a
young nobleman which he thought the prettiest
flower, roses or tulips, he replied, with- great gal-
lantry, " Your ladyship's two lips before all the
roses in the world."
410. — A Gentleman, who did not live very
happy with his wife, on the maid telling him that
she was going to give her mistress warning, as
she kept scolding her from morning till night —
" Happy girl ! " said the master, " I wish I could
give warning too."
411. — Henry TV. of France, passing
through a small town, perceived the inhabitants
assembled to congratulate him on his arrival.
Just as the principal magistrate had commenced
176 JOE MILLER
a tedious oration, an ass began to bray ; on which
the king, turning towards the place where the
noisy animal was, said gravely, " Gentlemen^ one
at a time, if you please."
412. — Henry IV. to an excellent wit, added
most amiable manners, and a most captivating
address. On General Armand de Biron coming
into his presence, when he was surrounded by
some foreign ambassadors, the king immediately
took Biron by the hand, and said, " Gentlemen,
this is Marshal Biron, whom I present with equal
pleasure and confidence to my friends as well as
my enemies."
413. — Charlotte Smith was walking along
Piccadilly a few days ago, when the tray of a
butcher's boy came in sudden contact with her
shoulder, and dirtied her dress. " The deuce
take the tray," exclaimed she, in a pet. " Ah,
but the deuce can't take the tray," replied young
rumpsteak, with the greatest gravity.
414. — A Few Days After the Rye-house
Plot, Charles II. was walking in St. James's
Park, without guards or attendants of any kind.
The Duke of York afterwards remonstrated with
his royal brother on the imprudence, nay, ab-
surdity of such conduct. Charles, a little nettled
to be so reproved, answered quickly, " Brother
James, take care of yourself, for no man will
kill me to make you king."
415. — When Garrick shewed Dr. Johnson
his fine house, gardens, statues, &c, at Hampton
Court, what ideas did it awaken in the mind of
JOE MILLER 177
that great and good man! Instead of a flatter-
ing compliment, which was expected, "Ah!
David, David, David," said the Doctor (clap-
ping his hand upon the little man's shoulder),
" these are the things, David, which make a
death-bed terrible! "
416. — George the Second, who was fond of
Winston the philosopher, one day, during his
persecution, said to him, that however right he
might he in his opinions, he had better suppress
them. " Had Martin Luther done so," replied
the philosopher, " your majesty would not have
been on the throne of England."
417. — " As you do not belong to my parish,"
said a clergyman to a begging sailor, with a
wooden leg, " you cannot expect that I should
relieve you." — " Sir," said the sailor, with a
noble air, " I lost my leg fighting for all par-
ishes."
418. — A Dancer said to a Spartan — " You
cannot stand so long upon one leg as I can." —
" True," answered the Spartan, " but any goose
can."
419. — A Blind Man who goes about the
streets of London, whining out a long story
about his misfortune, has, amongst other prayers
for the charitable and humane, the following
curious wish — " May you never see the darkness
which I now see."
420. — Demonax, hearing one declaim miser-
ably, said — " You should practice more." The
orator answering — " I am always declaiming to
178 JOE MILLER
myself," he replied — " No wonder you do not
improve, having so foolish an audience."
421. — A Highlander, who sold brooms, went
into a barber's shop, in Glasgow, to get shaved.
The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after
having shaved him, asked the price of it. " Tip -
pence," said the highlander. " No, no," said the
shaver ; " I'll give you a penny, and if that does
not satisfy you, take your broom again." The
highlander took it, and asked what he had to
pay. " A penny," says Strap. " I'll gie ye a
baubee," says Duncan, " and if that dinna sat-
isfy ye, pit on my beard again."
422. — A Lady asking a gentleman, how it
was most medical men dressed in black, he replied
■ — " The meaning is very obvious, as they are
chiefly occupied in preparing grave subjects."
423. — A Wealthy Merchant of Fenchurch
street, lamenting to a confidential friend, that his
daughter had eloped with one of his footmen,
concluded, by saying — " Yet I wish to forgive
the girl, and receive her husband, as it is now too
late to part them. But then, his condition : how
can I introduce him ? " — " Nonsense," replied
his companion ; " introduce him as a Liveryman
of the City of London. What is more honour-
able?"
424. — In a Dispute a Spartan was told he
lied. He answered — " After I had told you so,
I would whip you." For in Sparta lying slaves
were whipped ; and this retort was equal to call-
JOE MILLER 179
ing the other a slave. Our point of honour was
unknown to the ancients, who thought the in-
famy lay in lying, not in being told of it.
425. — There is a story related of Sir Isaac
Newton, the celebrated astronomer, that, being
one day in the country, he saw a shepherd tend-
ing his flock, and inquired of him how far it was
to the next town. The shepherd replied —
" About a mile," and added — " but unless you
make haste, you will be wetted through before
you get there." Sir Isaac proceeded ; and as the
day was uncommonly fine, disregarded the shep-
herd's caution, till drops of rain began to fall.
He then quickened his pace; but before he could
reach the inn, he was thoroughly wetted. Struck
with the circumstance, when the rain abated, he
returned to ask the shepherd how he came to
know that there would be rain, when no signs
thereof were apparent. The shepherd declined
explanation. Sir Isaac offered him a guinea, and
afterwards five ; but still the shepherd refused to
reveal the secret. At length, Sir Isaac offered
him twenty guineas ; he then consented, on condi-
tion that he should have the money in hand be-
fore he spoke. Sir Isaac complied. The shep-
herd then said- — "You see that black ram?"
" Yes," said Sir Isaac ; " but w T hat has that to do
with the question ? " — -" Why," said the shep-
herd, " whenever that ram makes for shelter, and
thrusts his rump into the hedge, I always know
that rain will fall within a quarter of an
hour."
180 JOE MILLER
426. — During the recent unpleasant situation
of affairs in Ireland, a watch-word was required
of every passenger after a certain hour, with lib-
erty for the sentinel to interrogate at will. A
poor harmless Irishman, travelling from Kil-
mainey to Kilmore, being asked concerning his
place of departure, and place of destination, an-
swered, to the astonishment of the inquirer, " I
have been to kill-many, and am going to kill-
more." — " That you shall not," said the sentinel,
and immediately ran him through with his bay-
onet.
427. — Ax Irishman, having bought a sheep's
head, had been to a friend for a direction to dress
it. As he was returning, repeating the method,
and holding his purchase under his arm, a dog
snatched it, and ran away. " Now, my dear
joy," said the Irishman, " what a fool you make
of yourself ! what use will it be to you, as you
don't know how it is to be dressed? "
428. — An Irishman meeting an acquaint-
ance, thus accosted him : " Ah, my dear, who do
you think I have just been speaking to? your old
friend Patrick ; faith, and he is grown so thin,
I hardly knew him ; to be sure, you are thin, and
I am thin, but he is thinner than both of us put
together."
.429. — An Irishman seeing a large quantity
of potatoes standing in a market-place, observed
to a bystander, " what a fine show of potatoes."
" Yes, they are," replied he, " very fine potatoes ;
I see you have the name quite pat ; how do you
JOK MILLKR
181
call them in your country?
All, faith ! " re-
turned the Irishman, " we never call 'em ; when
we want any, we go and dig them."
430. — Englishmen who sojourn, even for a
short time, in Ireland, speedily lose all their
prejudices against the country, and blend in all
the convivial eccentricities of the place. So
seductive is example and so epidemical the infec-
tion of good humour. A Briton named Moore,
who settled as a wholesale cheesemonger in Dub-
lin, was fascinated by the social habits of his Hi-
bernian acquaintance, and interchanged with
them all the cheap hospitalities of beef, turkeys,
and whiskey punch. Having removed to a new
habitation, and given, what is called a jovial
housewarming to a numerous company, the cheer-
ful jug went around with ceaseless motion, oc-
casionally replenished from a large china jar of
ten gallons dimension, which was Moore's favour-
ite urn on similar occasions, and upon which,
when tipsey, he never failed to launch out in high
encomiums. An arch wag in the room, yclept
Charley Shiel, an eminent auctioneer, perceiving
that his host was far gone when he mounted his
favourite hobby-horse, the china jar, joined in
the praises of this extraordinary vessel, adding,
that there were but two of them came from China
in three ships ; that he had sold one fellow of it
to Lord Howth five years before for twenty
guineas, and that the noble lord would cheer-
fully give three hundred for this, if he knew
where to find it. " Oh ! come, Charley," said
182 JOE MILLER
Moore, who smcllcd a hoax, " } T ou arc flinging the
hatchet quite too far, it only cost me a guinea
and a half, and I would sell it for ten.'^ Shiel,
mustering all his gravity, rejoined, " My dear
Moore, you don't know the value of that jar; it
is the true Whang Tong malleable china, and
I'd lay you any wager that the strongest porter
you can find would not be able to break it with a
dozen strokes of your largest kitchen poker." —
" Done," said Moore, " that I will do it myself
in half a dozen strokes." — " Done with you,"
said Shiel, " for a gallon of porter that you
don't." The wager thus settled, Moore called for
the large kitchen poker, and stripping off his
coat to remove all impediments to his strength,
dealt with all his might an Herculean blow upon
the jar, which, wonderful to relate, was smashed
in a thousand pieces. — Shiel, without moving a
muscle of his countenance, gravely acknowl-
edged that Mr. Moore had certainly won the
wager, and threw down his shilling to pay the
bet, observing, that this was the first time in his
life he ever saw such a jar broke in the same man-
ner. — Moore, like an Arabian seer, stood for
some time astounded by the effects of this rash
stroke upon his favourite talisman, but recover-
ing a little and perceiving the hoax by which he
had been deluded, fury kindled in his eve, and he
was looking out anxiously for some favourable
spot on the head of the hoaxer, whereon to be-
stow the next stroke of the poker; but the in-
sidious Shiel, seeing the storm rising, thought fit
JOE MILLER 183
to decamp, laughing in his sleeve at the success
of his mischievous joke.
431. — An Irish Gentleman meeting an
Englishman, thus addressed him : " Ah, my dear,
is it you ? when I saw you at the other end of the
street, I thought you were your cousin ; as you
came nearer, I thought you were yourself; and
now I see you are your brother."
432. — A Culprit asked Jack Ketch, if he had
any commands to the other world ? " Why, said
Jack, " not many ; I'll only," added he, as he
had adjusted the knot under his left ear, " just
trouble you with a line."
433. — Dean Swift once dining with the
mayor of Dublin, was served with a part of duck,
and asking for apple-sauce, was told by the
mayor that there was none ; upon which he cut an
apple-pie, and put a spoonful of the apples on
his plate. The mayor exclaimed, " Why, doctor,
you eat duck like a goose."
434. — Private Theatricals are a very
great nuisance, and ought to be entirely sup-
pressed. The number of illiterate coxcombs who
nightly murder Shakspeare, and the unfortunate
females who are hurried into these receptacles of
vice, if not under parental control, ought to be
rescued by the police from the misery that awaits
them. Some time age a tailor's apprentice was
exhibiting Macbeth at one of these theatres, and
having exclaimed —
" I have done the deed ! "
184 JOE MILLER
a respectable man stood up in the pit, and called
out, " That's not true — you hav'n't mended Mr.
Smith's breeches, for which your back shall smart
severely when you get home."
435. — A Clodhopper, of the real Sussex
breed, underwent a sharp cross-examination by
a learned counsel, on a late trial, in the course of
which he was asked, who his sleeping partner in
business was. " My sleeping partner? " replied
Hodge, scratching his head, and giving his hat
which he held by the band in his other hand an-
other turn, and staring at the same time at the
counsellor, as much as to say, " I'se wonder what
the devil's coming next — my sleeping partner?
Dang it, I'se got noa sleeping partner but
Mary." The court was convulsed with laughter ;
when it had somewhat subsided, the counsel re-
sumed — " You say your sleeping partner is
Mary — pray, who is Mary?" — "Why doesn't
thee know Mary? " rejoined Hodge, grinning
till his fat red cheeks almost closed his eyes —
" why she's my wife to be sure."
436. — A Young Couple, at Paris, lately go-
ing to the mayor, to have the civil ceremony of
marriage performed, the young lady, in step-
ping out of the carriage, entangled her lace dress
in the step, and tore it. " How stupid" ex-
claimed the gentleman. The lady took no notice
of this ungallant expression, and the party went
into the hotel of the mayor. But upon being
asked whether she consented to take the gentle-
man present for her husband, she replied, " Not
JOE MILLER 185
so stupid; " which was the only answer that
could he obtained from her.
437. — Dr. South, once preaching before
Charles II. (who was not very often in a church),
observing that the monarch, and all his attend-
ants, began to nod, and, as nobles are common
men when they are asleep, some of them soon
after snored, on which he broke off his sermon,
and called — " Lord Lauderdale, let me entreat
you to rouse }^oursclf ; you snore so loud that you
will wake the king."
438.— The Benevolent Dr. Wilson once
discovered a clergyman at Bath, who he was in-
formed was sick, poor, and had a numerous fam-
ily. In the evening, he gave a friend fifty
pounds, requesting he would deliver it in the
most delicate manner, and as from an unknown
person. The friend replied, " I will wait upon
him early in the morning." — " You will oblige
me by calling directly. Think, Sir, of what im-
portance a good night's rest may be to that
poor man."
439. — In a Law Suit respecting boundaries,
the counsel on both sides explained their claims
on a plan — " My lord," said one, " we lie on
this side ; " and the other said, " My lord, we lie
on this side." — " Nay," said the judge, " if you
lie on both sides, I can believe neither of
you."
440. — Lord M , with no very large
portion of either wit or wisdom, had a very ex-
alted opinion of his own powers. When once in
186 JOE MILLER
a large company, and expatiating about himself,
he made the following pointed remark : " When
I happen to say a foolish thing, I always burst
out laughing! " — " I envy you your happiness,
my lord, then," said Charles Townsend, " for you
must certainly live the merriest life of any man
in Europe."
441. — A Gentleman said he had travelled
over the four quarters of the world; and among
the curiosities he had remarked, there was one of
which no author had taken notice. This wonder,
according to him, was a cabbage, so large, and
so high, that under each of its leaves fifty armed
horsemen could put themselves into battle array,
and perform the manual exercise, without hin-
dering one another. Somebody that listened to
him, did not amuse himself with refuting that
story, but very seriously told that he had also
travelled, and had been as far as Japan, where
he was amazed to see more than three hundred
workmen, who were busy fabricating a copper ;
a hundred and fifty were employed inside in the
polishing of it. " To what use could be this
enormous vessel? " said the traveller. " No
doubt it was," answered he immediately, " to boil
the cabbage you have just spoken of."
442. — Lord Norbury was asking the reason
of the delay that happened in a cause, and he
was answered, it was because Mr. Sergeant Joy,
who was to lead, was absent, but Mr. Hope, the
solicitor, had said that he would return im-
JOE MILLER 187
mediately ; when his lordship humourously re-
peated the well-known lines —
" Hope told a flattering tale,
That Joy would soon return."
443. — A Labourer's Daughter, who had
been in service from her childhood, when weary,
would be frequently wishing to be married, that,
as she emphatically termed it, she might rest her
bones. Hymen at last listened to her prayers,
and a neighbouring clodhopper led her to the
altar, nothing loth. Some time afterwards her
late mistress, meeting her, asked her, " Well,
Mary, have you rested your bones yet? " " Yes,
indeed," replied she, with a sigh, " / have rested
my jaw-bones."
444. — A Noble Lord, not over^courageous,
was once so far engaged in an affair of honour,
as to be drawn to Hyde Park to fight a duel.
But just as he came to the Porter's Lodge, an
empty hearse came by ; on which his lordship's
antagonist, who was a droll officer, well known,
called out to the driver, " Stop here, my good
fellow, a few minutes, and I'll send you a fare."
This operated so strongly on his lordship's
nerves, that he begged the officer's pardon,, and
returned home in a whole skin.
445. — " I Can't Conceive," said one noble-
man to another, " how it is that you manage. I
am convinced that you are not of a temper to
spend more than your income ; and yet, though
your estate is less than mine, I could not afford
188 JOE MILLER
to live at the rate you do." — " Mj lord," said the
other, " I have a place." — " A place? you amaze
me, I never heard of it till now — pray what
place? " — " I am my own steward."
446. — The Celebrated Duchess of Gram-
mont, on being brought before the revolutionary
tribunal, was asked by Fonquier Tinville, the
public accuser, if it was not true that she had
sent money to her emigrant children? " I was
about to say, no," replied she ; " but my life is
not worth saving by a falsehood."
447. — Lord Eedon tells with pleasure the
difficulties with which, in his early days, he was
surrounded and over which he triumphed — We
give an account of his early successes, as he re-
lated it himself at table to a friend : — " Yes,"
said the Chancellor, " and I borrowed thirty
pounds to go the northern circuit, but / got no
briefs. And, Sir, I borrowed another thirty,
but met with no return. After some time at this
game, I had determined to borrow no more ; when
I was prevailed on by a friend to try again, and
did so. At York, I had a junior brief, and
Davenport, then a leading counsel on the circuit,
was to state the case to the jury. The cause
was called on in the morning, and Davenport
was engaged in the Crown Court : " I," said the
Chancellor, "begged the judge to postpone it;
but he replied, ' You must lead, Mr. Scott,' and
I did so ; it was an action for an assault ; two
Yorkshire ladies had quarrelled at cards ; a
J OR MILLER 189
scuffle ensued ; and one of them turned off her
chair on the ground ; this was the nature of the
assault. It happened," proceeded the Chan-
cellor, " that I set the court in a roar of laughter,
and succeeded for my client; retainers began to
flow in, and the prospect brightened. On pro-
ceeding to Carlisle, a fortunate circumstance oc-
curred. I had retired early to bed the night be-
fore the assizes, when I was aroused by a knock
at my door; on getting up, I found Mr. ,
the solicitor, with a large brief in his hand ; he
observed that a cause was coming on in the morn-
ing, and the leading counsel were all too much
engaged to read so large a brief — " You must
take it, Mr. Scott ; " I hesitated, as Davenport
and others had declined it, and expressed my
doubt of being able to accomplish the task. He
pressed me, and by the little light, as the attor-
ney put the brief (it was a thick brief) into my
hand, I saw written on it, ■ Mr. Scott, twenty
guineas,' This was not to be refused, and I
said, " Well, I promise to read your brief, and
state* its substance." — " That's all we want," re-
plied the solicitor ; so I dressed myself and read
it. The next day I succeeded in the cause, and
never wanted briefs again."
448. — Theophilus Cibber, who was very ex-
travagant, one day asked his father for a hun-
dred pounds. " Zounds, Sir," said Colly, " can't
3 r ou live upon your salary? When I was your
age, I never spent a farthing of my father's
190 JOE MILLER
money." — " But you have spent a great deal of
my father's," replied Theophilus. This retort
had the desired effect.
449. — Bishop Hall Relates, that there was
a certain nobleman of his dsij, who kept a fool,
to whom he one day gave a staff (a thing com-
monly used in walking at that time by all pedes-
trians, whether rich or poor), with a charge to
keep it till he should meet with one who was a
greater fool than himself. Not many 3^ears
after, the nobleman fell sick even unto death.
The fool came to see him ; his sick lord said to
him — " I must shortly leave you." — " And
whither are you going? " asked the fool. " Into
another world," replied his lordship. " And
when will you come back again? Within a
month ? " — " No." — " Within a year ? " —
"No." — "When then?" — "Never." —
" Never ! " echoed the fool, " and what provision
hast thou made for thy entertainment there
whither thou goest? "— " None at all."—" No,"
exclaimed the fool, " none at all ! Here, then,
take my staff; for, with all my folly, I am not
guilty of any such folly as this."
450. — Queen Caroline, consort of George
the Second, was remarkable for having the larg-
est feet of any female in the kingdom. One
morning as her majesty was walking on the banks
of the river near Richmond, attended only by one
lady, venturing too far on the sand, from which
the \\ater had recently ebbed, she sunk in up to
her ancles, and in endeavouring to extricate her-
JOE MILLER 191
self, lost one of her galloches; at that instant,
the lady observing a waterman rowing by, re-
quested he would land, and recover the queen's
slipper. The request was instantly complied
with, and whilst the son of Old Thames was,
with evident marks of astonishment in his coun-
tenance, examining its extraordinary size, turn-
ing to her majesty, he inquired if that was her
slipper. On being answered in the affirmative,
he bluntly replied — " Then, I am out of my
reckoning, for I mistook it for a child's cradle."
451. — At the commencement of a public din-
ner at Guildhall, on Lord Mayor's Day, Mr.
Chamberlain Wilkes lisped out — " Mr. Alder-
man Burnell, shall I help you to a plate of turtle,
or a slice of the haunch? I am within reach of
both." — " Neither one nor t'other, I thank you,
Sir," replied the alderman ; " I think I shall dine
on the beans and bacon, which are at this end of
the table." — " Mr. Alderman A n, which
would you choose, Sir? " continued the chamber-
lain. " Sir, I will not trouble you for either, for
I believe I shall follow the example of my brother
Burnell, and dine on the beans and bacon," was
the reply. On this second refusal, the old
chamberlain rose from his seat, and with every
mark of astonishment in his countenance, curled
up the corners of his mouth, cast his eyes around
the table, and in a voice as loud and articulate
as he was able, called — " Silence ; " which being
obtained, he then addressed the Praetorian Mag-
istrate, who sat in the chair : — " My Lord
192 JOE MILLER
Mayor, the wicked have accused us of intemper-
ance, and branded us with the imputation of
gluttony; that they may be put to open shame,
and their profane tongues be from this day si-
lenced, I humbly move that your lordship com-
mand the proper officer to record in our annals —
that two Aldermen of the City of London, prefer
beans and bacon to either venison or turtle
soup."
452. — Two City Merchants conversing
upon business at the door of the New York
Coffee house, one of them made some remarks on
the badness of the times ; and perceiving at the
moment, a flight of pigeons passing over their
heads, he exclaimed — " How happy are these
pigeons ! they have no acceptances to provide
for." To which the other replied — " You are
rather in error, my friend, for they have their
bills to provide for as w T ell as we ! "
453.— An Irishman having lost an eye, a
friend of his recommended him to one of our fa-
mous oculists, with whom he had agreed to give
ten guineas for a beautiful one shown him among
the rest. He actually called the next day to
abuse him for having sold him an eye with which
he could not see.
454. — A Traveller coming into the kitchen
of an inn, in a very cold night, stood so jlose to
the fire that he burnt his boots. An arch rogue,
who sat in the chimney-corner, cried out to him,
" Sir, you'll burn your spurs presently." — " My
boots, you mean, I suppose," said the gentleman.
JOE MILLER 193
— " No, Sir," replied the other, " they are burnt
already."
455. — An Irish Bookseller, previous to a
trial in which he was the defendant, was informed
by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury
to whom he had any personal objections, he
might legally challenge them. " Faith, and so I
will," replied he, " if they do not bring me off
handsomely, I will challenge every man of them."
456- — A Foolish Fellow went off to the par-
ish priest, and told him, with a very long face,
that he had seen a ghost. " When and where ? "
said the pastor. — " Last night," replied the timid
man, " I was passing by the church, and up
against the wall of it did I behold the spectre."
— " In what shape did it appear? " replied the
priest. — " It appeared in the shape of a great
ass." — " Go home, and hold your tongue about
it," rejoined the pastor, " you are a very timid
man, and have been frightened by your own
shadow."
457. — After a certain military company had
dined, and their commander thought a longer
circulation of the glass might tend to prevent
the regularity of their return, he exclaimed jo-
cosely, " Attention ! charge bayonets ! " to which
one of the company cleverly replied, " As we are
in the rear rank, if you please, we will remain at
port.'"
458. — An Irishman carrying a cradle was
stopped by an old woman and thus accosted:
" So, Sir, you have got some of the fruits of mat-
194 JOE MILLER
rimoriy." — " Softly, softly, old lady," said he,
" you mistake, this is merely the fruit basket."
459. — A Cowardly Fellow, much given to
apparent courage, or boasting (as most cowards
are), having spoken impertinently to a gentle-
man, received a violent box on the ear. Sum-
moning his most authoritative tone, he demanded,
whether that was meant in earnest. " Yes, Sir,"
replied the other, without hesitation. The cow-
ard, thinking he should have frightened him,
now turned away, saying, " I am glad of it, Sir,
for I do not like such jests."
460. — An Irish Gentleman, meeting his
nephew who told him he had just entered college,
replied, " I am extremely happy to hear it ; make
the most of your time and abilities, and I hope I
shall live to hear you preach my funeral sermon."
461. — An Old Gentleman, who used to fre-
quent one of the coffee-houses in Dublin, being
unwell, thought Jie might make so free as to steal
an opinion concerning his case; accordingly,
one day he took the opportunity of asking one of
the faculty, who sat in the same box with him,
what he should take for such a complaint? " I'll
tell you," said the doctor, " you should take ad-
vice."
462.— As a Clergyman was burying a corpse,
a poor woman came, and pulled him by the sleeve
in the middle of the service. " Sir, Sir, I want
to speak with you."—" Prithee wait, woman, till
I have done." — " No, Sir, I must speak to you
immediately. "— " Well, then, what is the mat-
JOE MILLER • 195
ter? " — " Why, Sir, you are going to bury a
man who died of the small-pox, near my poor
husband, who never had it."
463. — When Mrs. Glynn made her entree as
Lady Townly, some years since, in Dublin, three
high-bred women of fashion, in the stage-box,
grossly insulted her, by talking loud, coughing;,
&c. The' actress, greatly distressed, stopped,
burst into tears, and retired. The ladies, un-
abashed, for a moment enjoyed their triumph,
when a great uproar ensued, and " Go on, go
on," was heard from all parts of the house. A
young collegian then suddenly jumped on one of
the benches in the middle of the pit, and ex-
claimed to the audience, " My friends, who sit
about me are determined the play shall not go on,
till those drunken men in women's clothes leave
the stage-box." This address was universally
applauded, and being followed by a shower of
oranges and apples from both galleries, the Am-
azons retired in the utmost confusion, amidst the
hisses of the spectators.
464. — Several Years Ago, two brothers
went to Jamaica : they were, by trade, black-
smiths. Finding, soon after their arrival, they
could do nothing without a little money to begin
with, but that with sixty or seventy pounds, they
might be able, with industry, to get on a little,
they hit upon the following novel and ingenious
expedient. One of them stripped the other
naked, shaved him close, and blacked him from
head to foot. This being done, he took him to
196 JOE MILLER
one of the negro-dealers, who, after viewing and
approving his stout athletic appearance, ad-
vanced eighty pounds currency upon the bill of
sale, and prided himself upon the purchase, sup-
posing him to be one of the finest negroes on the
island. The same evening, this new-manufac-
tured negro made his escape to his brother,
washed himself clean, and resumed his former ap-
pearance. Rewards were in vain offered in hand-
bills, pursuit was eluded, and discovery, by care
and precaution, rendered impracticable. The
brothers with the money commenced business, and
actually returned to England, with a fortune of
several thousand pounds. Previous, however, to
their departure from the island, they waited upon
the gentleman from whom they had received the
mone}^, and recalling the circumstance of the ne-
gro to his recollection, paid him both principal
and interest, with thanks.
4<65. — The Late Counsellor Egan, Chair-
man of the Quarter Sessions for Dublin, was so
remarkable for his lenity to female culprits, that
a woman was seldom convicted when he presided.
On one ocasion, when this humane barrister was
not in the chair, a prim looking woman was put
to the bar of the Commission court, at which pre-
sided the equally humane, but perhaps not so gal-
lant, Baron L . She was indicted for utter-
ing forged bank notes. According to usual form
of law, the clerk of the Crown asked the prisoner
if she was ready to take her trial ? With becom-
ing disdain, she answered, " No ! " She was told
JOE MILLER 197
by the clerk, she must give her reasons why. As
if scorning to hold conversation with the fellow,
she thus addresed his lordship, " My lord, I won't
be tried here at all, I'll be tried by my lord
,Egan." The simplicity of the woman, coupled
with the well-known character of Egan, caused a
roar of laughter in the court, which even the
bench could not resist. Baron L , with his
usual mildness, endeavoured to explain the im-
possibility of her being tried by the popular
judge, and said, " He can't try you," when the
woman stopped him short, and exclaimed, " Can't
try me ! I beg your pardon, my lord, he has tried
me twice before." She was tried, however, and
for the third time acquitted.
466. — A Gentleman on a stage-coach, pass-
ing through the city of Bath, and observing a
handsome edifice, inquired of the driver what
building it was ? The driver replied, " It is the
Unitarian Church." — " Unitarian ! " said the
gentleman, " and what is that? " — " I don't
know," said Jehu, " but I believe it is in the op-
position line."
467. — A Farmer in the neighbourhood of
Doncaster, was thus accosted by his landlord: —
" John, I am going to raise your rent." John
replied, " Sir, I am very much obliged to you, for
I cannot raise it myself."
468. — George I., on a journey to Hanover,
stopped at a village in Holland, and while the
horses were getting ready, he asked for two or
three eggs, which were brought him, and charged
198 JOE MILLER
two hundred florins. "How is this?" said his
majesty, " eggs must be very scarce in this
place." — " Pardon me," said the host, " eggs are
plenty enough, but kings are scarce." The king
smiled, and ordered the money to be paid.
469. — A Dispute about precedence once arose
between a Bishop and a Judge, and, after some
altercation, the latter thought he should quite
confound his opponent by quoting the following
passage: — "For on these two hang all the law
and the prophets." — " Do you not see," said the
lawyer, in triumph, " that even in this passage of
scripture, we are mentioned first? " — " I grant
you," said the bishop, " you hang first."
470. — When the first edition of Thomson's
Seasons came out, the poet sent a copy, hand-
somely bound, to Sir Gilbert Elliott, of Minto,
afterwards Lord Justice Clerk, who had shewn
him great kindness. Sir Gilbert shewed the book
to his gardener, a relation of Thomson, who took
the book into his hands, and turning it over and
over, and gazing on it with admiration, Sir Gil-
bert said to him, " Well, David, what do you
think of James Thomson now? there's a book will
make him famous all the world over, and immor-
talize his name." David, looking now at Sir Gil-
bert, then at the book, said, " Iv? troth, Sir, it is
a grand book ! I did not think the lad had inge-
nuity enow to ha' done sic a neat piece of handi-
craft."
471 . — Two bucks riding on the western road
on a Sunday morning, met a lad driving a flock
JOE MILLER 199
of sheep towards the metropolis ; when one of
them accosted him with " Pr'ythee, Jack, which
is the way to Windsor? " — " How did you know
my name was Jack? " said the boy, staring in
their faces. " We are conjurors, young Hob-
nail," said the gentlemen, laughing. " Oh !
you be ! then you don't want I to show you the
way to Windsor," replied the lad, pursuing his
journey.
472. — A Negro from Montserrat, where the
Hiberno-Celtic is spoken by all classes, happened
to be on the wharf at Philadelphia when a num-
ber of Irish emigrants were landed; and seeing
one of them with a wife and four children, he
stepped forward to assist the family on shore.
The Irishman, in his native tongue, expressed
his surprise at the civility of the negro ; who, un-
derstanding what had been said, replied, in Irish,
that he need not be astonished, for he was a bit of
an Irishman himself. The Irishman, surprised
to hear a black man speak his dialect, it entered
his mind, with the usual rapidity of the Irish
fancy, that he really was an Irishman, but that
the climate had, no doubt, changed his com-
plexion. " If I may be so bold, Sir," said he,
" may I ask you how long you have been
in this country? " The negro-man, who had
only come hither on a voyage, said he had
been in Philadelphia only about four months.
Poor Patrick turned round to his wife and
children, and, looking as if for the last time
on their rosy cheeks, concluding that in four
200 JOE MILLER
months they must also change their complexions,
exclaimed, " O Merciful Powers ! — Judy, did you
hear that ? he has not been more than four months
in this country, and he is already almost as black
as jet."
473. — When Whitfield preached before the
seamen at New York, he had the following bold
apostrophe in his sermon : — " Well, my boys, we
have a clear sky, and are making fine headway
over a smooth sea, before a light breeze, and we
shall soon lose sight of land. But what means
this sudden lowering of the Heavens, and that
dark cloud arising from beneath the western hori-
zon? Hark! Don't you hear distant thunder?
Don't you see those flashes of lightning? There
is a storm gathering ! Every man to his duty !
Plow the waves rise and dash against the ship !
The air is dark ; The tempest rages ! Our masts
are gone ! The ship is on her beam ends !
What next? " — It is said that the unsuspecting
tars, reminded of former perils on the deep, as if
struck by the power of magic, arose, with united
voices and minds, and exclaimed, " Take to the
long boat ! "
474. — A Dashing Buck, having just mounted
a fashionable great coat, trimmed with a profu-
sion of fur, lately asked an old gentleman how
he liked his new kick? " Upon my word, Sir,"
said lie, " I like it extremely, for it reminds me of
a very excellent fable." — "What is that? "re-
turned the interrogator. — " The Ass in the
Lion's Skin," was the answer.
JOE xMILLER 201
475. — An Irish Soldier passing through a
meadow near Cork, a large mastiff ran at him,
and he stabbed the dog with a spear that he had
in his hand. The master of the dog brought him
before the magistrate, who asked him why he had
not rather struck the dog with the butt end of
his weapon. " So I should," said the soldier, " if
he had run at me with his tail."
476. — At the Siege of Tortona, the com-
mander of the army which lay before the town,
ordered Carew, an Irish officer in the service of
Naples, to advance with a detachment to a par-
ticular post. Having given his orders, he whis-
pered to Carew, " Sir, I know you to be a gal-
lant man ; I have therefore put you upon this
duty. I tell you in confidence, it is certain death
for you all. I place you there to make the enemy
spring a mine below you." Carew made a bow to
the general, and led on his men in silence to the
dreadful post. He there stood with an undaunted
countenance, and having called to one of the sol-
diers for a draught of wine, " Here," said he, " I
drink to all those who bravely fall in battle."
Fortunately at that instant Tortona capitulated,
and Carew escaped. Bub he had thus a full op-
portunity of displaying a rare instance of de-
termined intrepidity.
477. — Mr. Jeremy White, one of Oliver
Cromwell's domestic chaplains, a sprightly man,
and one of the chief wits of the court, was so
ambitious as to make his addresses to Oliver's
youngest daughter, the Lady Frances The
202 JOE MILLER
young lady did not discourage him ; but in so re-
ligious a court this gallantry could not be carried
on without being taken notice of. The Protector
was told of it and was much concerned thereat ;
he ordered the person who told him to keep a
strict lookout, promising if he could give him
any substantial proofs, he should be well re-
warded, and White severely punished.
The spy followed his business so close, that
in a little time he dogged Jerry White, as he was
generally called, to the lady's chamber, and ran
immediately to the Protector, to acquaint him
that they were together.
Oliver, in a rage, hastened to the chamber, and,
going in hastily, found Jerry on his knees, either
kissing the lady's hand, or having just kissed it.
Cromwell, in a fury, asked what was the mean-
ing of that posture before his daughter Frances?
White, with a great deal of presence of mind,
said, " May it please your highness, I have a long
time courted that young gentlewoman there, my
lady's woman, and cannot prevail ; I was there-
fore humbly praying her ladyship to intercede
for me."
The Protector, turning to the young woman,
cried, " What's the meaning of this, hussy ; why
do you refuse the honour Mr. White would do
you? he is my friend, and I expect you should
treat him as such." My lady's woman, who de-
sired nothing more, with a very low curtesy, re-
plied, " If Mr. White intends me that honour, I
shall not be against him." — " Sayest thou so, my
JOE MILLER 2G3
lass? " cried Cromwell, " call Goodwyn ; this busi-
ness shall be done presently, before I go out of
the room."
Mr. White was gone too far to go back; his
brother parson came ; Jerry and my lady's woman
were married in the presence of the Protector,
who gave her five hundred pounds for her por-
tion, which, with what she had saved before, made
Mr. White easy in his circumstances, except that
he never loved his wife, nor she him, though they
lived together near fifty years afterwards.
478.^— Lady W is celebrated in Ireland
for wit and beauty. Happening to be at an as-
sembly in Dublin, a young gentleman, the son of
his majesty's printer, who had the patent for
publishing Bibles, made his appearance, dressed
in green and gold. Being a new face, and ex-
tremely elegant, he attracted the attention of the
whole company. A general murmur prevailed in
the room, to learn who he was ; Lady W
instantly made answer, loud enough to be heard,
" Oh ! don't you know T him ? It is young Bible,
bound in calf and gilt, but not letter'd."
479. — A Very Harmless Irishman eating an
apple pie with some quinces in it ; " Arrah, dear
honey," said he, " if a few of these quinces gave
such a flavour, how would an apple pie taste made
of all quinces? "
480. — A Brave Tar, with a wooden leg, who
was on board Admiral Duncan's fleet in the en-
gagement with the Dutch, having the misfor-
tune to have the other shot off, as his comrades
204 JOE MILLER
were conveying him to the surgeon, notwith-
standing the poignancy of his agonies, could not
suppress his joke, sa}dng, " It was high time
for him to leave off play when his last pin was
bowled down."
481. — It is a superstition with some surgeons
who beg the bodies of condemned malefactors,
to go to the jail, and bargain for the carcass
with the criminal himself. An honest gentleman
did so last sessions, and was admitted to the
condemned men on the morning wherein they
died. The surgeon communicated his business,
and fell into discourse with a little fellow who
refused twelve shillings, and insisted upon
fifteen for his body. The fellow who killed the
officer of Newgate, very forwardly, and like a
man who was willing to deal, said, " Look you,
Mr. Surgeon, that little dry fellow, who has been
half-starved all his life, and is now half dead
with fear, cannot answer your purpose. I have
ever lived highly and freely, my veins are full,
I have not pined in imprisonment ; you see my
crest swells to your knife, and after Jack Ketch
has done, upon my honour 3^ou'll find me as
sound as e'er a bullock in any of the markets.
Come, for twenty shillings I am your man."
Says the surgeon, " Done, there's a guinea."
The witty rogue took the money, and as soon as
lie had it in his fist, cries, " Bite, Vm to be hanged
hi chains."
482. — Ik a Company, consisting of naval of-
ficers, the discourse happened to turn on the fe-
JOE MILLElt 205
rocity of small animals ; when an Irish gentleman
present stated his opinion to be, that a Kilkenny
cat, of all animals, was the most ferocious ; and
added, " I can prove my asertion by a fact within
my own knowledge : — I once," said he, " saw two
of these animals fighting in a timber yard, and
willing to see the result of a long battle, I drove
them into a deep saw-pit, and placing some
boards over the mouth, left them to their amuse-
ment. Next morning I went to see the conclu-
sion of the fight, and what d' ye thing I saw? " —
" One of the cats dead, probably," replied one of
the company. " No, by St. Patrick, there was
nothing left in the pit, but the two tails, and a
bit of flue! "
483. — When Captain Grose first went over
to Ireland his curiosity led him to see everything
in the capital worth seeing: in the course of his
perambulation, he one evening strolled into the
principal meat market of Dublin, when the butch-
ers, as usual set up the constant cry of "What do
you buy, master? " Brosc parried this for some
time by saying, " he wanted nothing ; " at last a
butcher starts from his stall, and eyeing Grose's
figure from top to bottom, which was something
like Dr. Slop's, in Tristam Shandy, exclaimed,
" Well, Sir, though you don't want any thing at
present, only say you buy your meat of me, and
you'll make my fortune."
484. — The Wife of a Scotch Laird being
suddenly taken very ill, the husband ordered a
servant to get a horse ready to go to the next
206 JOE MILLER
town for the doctor. By the time, however, the
horse was ready, and his letter to the doctor writ-
ten, the lady recovered, on which he added the
f olowing postscript, and sent off the messenger :
" My wife being recovered, you need not come."
485. — Lord Townshend's Butler, in pre-
paring the cloth for a choice festival, was un-
lucky enough to break a dozen of china plates,
of a rare and beautiful design. " You block-
head," cries his lordship, meeting him presently
after, with another dozen in his hand, " how did
you do it?" — "Upon my soul, my lord, they
happened to fall just so," replied the fellow, and
instantly dashed them also upon the marble
hearth into a thousand pieces.
486. — A Nobleman, of the thick blood of
the Irish nation, paid his addresses to the daugh-
ter of a friend, who valued money more than an-
cestry : the old gentleman hinted to his lordship,
that he supposed his fortune was equivalent to
his daughter's ? " Why no, Sir," replied his
lordship, " I cannot say 'tis altogether so con-
siderable? but then you know, Sir, there is my
blood." — " Your blood? " returns the gentleman ;
" if you squander my daughter's fortune away,
she must not depend on your blood for a sub-
sistence: a hog's blood would be of more service
then, and would make much better puddings."
487. — In a Convivial Assembly, some of the
company questioning, whether the hamlet of Au-
burn, in the county of Westmeath, was really
the subject of Dr, Goldsmith's Deserted Village,
JOE MILLER 807
and a doubt arising from the circumstance of the
doctor's not having been actually on the spot
when he composed that pathetic piece, an old
Irish gentleman present, with the zeal of a warm
defender of his country's rightful honour, ex-
claimed, " Why, gentlemen, was Milton actually
in hell when he wrote his Paradise Lost? "
488. — A Lady of Quality sending her Irish
footman to fetch home a pair of new stays,
strictly charged him to take a coach if it rained,
for fear of wetting them ; but a great shower of
rain falling, the fellow returned with the stays
dripping wet, and' being severely reprimanded
for not doing as he was ordered, he said, he had
obeyed his orders. " How then," answered the
lady, " could the stays be wet, if you took them
into the coach with you? " — '* No, no," replied
the man, " I know my place better. I did not go
into the coach, but rode behind, as I always do,"
489. — An Irishman, going down the High-
street of Glasgow, met a person whom he thought
he knew ; but Pat, rinding his mistake, " I beg
your pardon," says he, " I thought it was you,
and you thought it was me, but by St. Patrick it
is none of us."
490. — By the Lord Lieutenant and
Council of Ireland.
" A proclamation. — Whereas the greatest
economy is necessary in all species of grain, and
especially in the consumption of potatoes."
491. — An Irish Boy saw a train of his com-
panions loaded with kishes, or baskets, of turf
208 JOE MILLER
coming towards his father's cabin. His father
had no turf, and how to get some was the ques-
tion ; " to dig he was unwilling, and to beg he was
ashamed." He took up a turf which had fallen
from a cart the preceding da} T , and stuck it on a
pole. When the lads passed, he appeared throw-
ing turf at the mark. " Boys," cried he, " who
can hit it? " Each kish boy, in passing, tried,
perhaps several throws, and when the whole had
passed, there was a heap left sufficient to reward
the ingenuity of the arch rogue.
492. — Swift riding out one da} 7 , met a parish-
ioner capitally mounted, and began to pay him
compliments on his horse. " Mr. Dean," said the
other, " he is very well, but still not equal to
yours." — " To mine," returned Swift, " why this
is a mere pad." — " Aye," replied the other, " but
he carries the best head of any horse in Ireland."
493. — Ix oxe of the late revolutionary bat-
tles in Ireland, a rebel hair-dresser ran up to the
muzzle of a cannon, to which an artilleryman was
just applying the match, and thrusting his head
into its mouth, exclaimed, the moment before he
was blown to atoms, " By Jasus, I have stopped
your mouth, my honey, for this time."
494.- — Two Gextlemex passing a blackberry
bush when the fruit was unripe, one said it was
ridiculous to call them black berries, when they
were red. — " Don't you know," said his friend,
" that blackberries are al\va3 r s red when they are
greeny
495. — Ax Attorney brought an action
JOE MILLER 209
against a farmer for having called him a ras-
cally lawyer. An old husbandman being a wit-
ness, was asked if he had heard the man call him
a lawyer — " I did," was the reply. " Pray,"
says the judge, " what is your opinion of the im-
port of the word? " — " There can be no doubt of
that," replied the fellow. " Why, good man,"
said the judge: "there is no dishonour in the
name, is there ? " — " I know nothing about that,"
answered he, " but this I know, if any man called
me a lawyer I'd knock him down." — " Why,
Sir," said the judge, ppinting to one of the coun-
sel, " that gentleman is a lawyer, and that, and I
too am a lawyer." — " No, no," replied the fel-
low ; " no, my lord : you are a judge, I know T ; but
I'm sure you are no lawyer."
496. — Shortly after a change in the minis-
try in the late reign, the king having remarked
that his shirt w r as not made up in the usual way,
and finding, upon inquiry, that the old laundress,
with whom he was very well satisfied, had been
dismissed from her situation, complained of
the latter circumstance to the Lord Chamberlain ;
upon which his lordship replied, that when he
came into office he had, as was usual, exercised
his patronage, by appointing a new laundress.
The king continued dissatisfied with the manner
in which his linen was got up, complained again,
and was again told by the Lord Chamberlain,
that the change of laundress was only in the
due exercise of his patrona <?p. " Then," replied
George III., somewhat ruffled, " I am to under-
210 JOE MILLER
stand that I tannot change my laundress." His
lordship respectfully bowed assent. " But," his
Majesty resuming, " if I cannot change my laun-
dress, may I not be allowed to change 1113^ Lord
Chamberlain? " — M Oh ! certainly," answered
the latter ; and here the conversation ended. On
the next day, however, the old laundress was re-
instated in office.
497. — Me. Fox in the course of a speech, said
— " If anything on 1113^ part, or on the part of
those with whom I acted, was an obstruction to
peace, I could not lie on my pillow with ease."
George Tierney (then in the administration)
whispered to his neighbour — " If he could not
lie on his pillow with ease, he can lie in this house
with ease."
498.— "Who is That Lovely Girl?" ex-
claimed Lord Norbury, riding in company with
his friend, Counsellor Grahaarty. " Miss Glass,"
replied the barrister. " Glass," reiterated the
facetious judge: " by the love which man bears
to woman, I should often become intoxicated,
could I press such a glass to my lips."
499. — A Gentleman on circuit narrating to
his lordship some extravagant feat in sporting,
mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three
hares before breakfast. — " Thirty-three hairs! "
exclaimed Lord Norbury : " zounds, Sir ! then
you must have been firing at a "wig"
500. — Prince Maurice, in an engagement
with the Spaniards, took twenty-four prisoners,
one of whom was an Englishman. He ordered
JOE MILLER 211
eight of these to be hanged to retaliate a like
sentence passed by Archduke Albert, upon the
same number of Hollanders. The fate of the un-
happy victims was to be determined by drawing
lots. The Englishman, who had the good for-
tune to escape, seeing a Spaniard express the
strongest symptoms of horror when it came to
his turn to put his hand into the helmet, offered
for twelve crowns to stand his chance. The offer
was accepted, and he was so fortunate as to
escape a second time. Upon being called a fool
for so presumptuously tempting his fate, he said
— " He thought he acted very prudently, for, as
he daily hazarded his life for sixpence, he must
have made a good bargain in venturing it for
twelve crowns."
501. — Mr. Garrick was once present with Dr.
Johnson, at the table of a nobleman, where,
amongst other guests, was one, of whose near
connexions some disgraceful anecdote was then
in circulation. It had reached the ears of John-
son, who, after dinner, took an opportunity of
relating it in his most acrimonious manner. Gar-
rick, who sat next to him, pinched his arm, and
trod upon his toe, and made use of other means
to interrupt the thread of his narration, but all
was in vain. The doctor proceeded, and when he
had finished his story, he turned gravely round
to Garrick, of whom before he had taken no no-
tice whatever — " Thrice," said he, " Davy, have
you trod upon my toe; thrice have you pinched
my arm; and now, if what I have related be a
212 JOE MILLER
falsehood, convict me before this company,"
Garrick replied not a word, but frequently de-
clared afterwards, that he never felt half so
much perturbation, even when he met " his
father's ghost."
502. — During the contested election for De-
von, between Mr. Bastard and Lord Ebrington,
Mrs. ***** and her daughter were walking in
the Castle-yard, at Exeter, when miss having
slily mounted a little bit of blue, in opposition to
the vote and interest of papa, was accosted by a
young friend, with " Dear me ! you are not a
Bastard, are you ? " When the former replied —
" Indeed, miss, I am, ask mamma if I ain't." —
" Yes, my dear," replied mamma, " I believe you
are, but papa must not know it."
503. — A Little Girl, who knew very well the
painful anxiety which her mother had long suf-
fered, during a tedious course of litigation, hear-
ing that she had at last lost her law-suit, inno-
cently cried out — " O, my dear mamma ! how
glad I am that you have lost that nasty law-suit,
which used to give you so much trouble and un-
easiness."
504. — When Mr. Hankey was in vogue as
a great banker, a sailor had as part of his pay,
a draft on him for fifty pounds. This the sailor
thought an immense sum, and calling at the
house, insisted upon seeing the master in private.
This was at length acceded to; and when the
banker and the sailor met together, the follow-
ing conversation ensued — Sailor. " Mr. Hankey,
JOE MILLER 213
I've got a tickler for you— didn't like to expose
you before the lads." — Hankey. " That was
land. Pray, what's the tickler?" — Sailor.
" Never mind, don't be afraid, I won't hurt you ;
'tis a fifty."— Hankey. " Ah ! that's a tickler,
indeed." — Sailor. " Don't fret ; give me five
pounds now and the rest at so much a week, I
shan't mention it to anybody."
•505. — A Conceited Coxcomb once said to a
barber's boy, " Did you ever shave a monkey ? "
— " Why no, Sir," replied the boy, " never ; but
if you will please to sit down, I will try."
506. — An Irishman, a short time since, bade
an extraordinary price for an alarm clock, and
gave as a reason — " That, as he loved to rise
early, he had nothing to do but to pull the string,
and he could wake himself."
507. — A Gentleman being asked to give a
definition of nonsense, replied, in a Johnsonian
styL — " Sir, it is nonsense to bolt a door with a
boiled carrot."
508. — When Isaiah Thomas, the printer of
Massachusetts, was printing his almanack for
1788, one of his boys asked him what he should
put opposite July 13th. Mr. Thomas being en-
gaged, replied — " any thing he liked." The
boy returned to the office, and set hail, rain, and
snow. The country was all amazement, the day
arrived, when it actually rained, hailed, and
snowed violently ; from that time Thomas's al-
manacks were in great demand.
509. — " Have you any thing else old? " said
!II4 JOE MILLER
an English lady at Rome to a boy, of whom she
had bought some modern antiques. " Yes," said
the young urchin, thrusting forward his hat,
which had seen some dozen summers, " my hat is
old." The lady rewarded his wit.
510. — A Country Justice of the Peace,
when upwards of seventy years of age, married
a girl about nineteen, and being well aware that
he was likely to be rallied on the subject, he re-
solved to be prepared. Accordingly, when any
of his intimate friends called upon him, after the
first salutations were passed, he was sure to be-
gin the conversation, by saying, he believed he
could tell them news. " Why," says he, " I have
married my tailor's daughter." If he was asked
why he did so? the old gentleman replied,
" Why, the father suited me so well for forty
years past, that I thought the daughter might
suit me for forty years to come."
511. — A Veteran Highlander, between
whose family and that of a neighbouring chief-
tain had existed a long hereditaiy feud, being on
the death-bed, was reminded that this was the
time to forgive all his enemies, even he who had
mcst injured him. " Well, be it so," said the old
Highlander, after a short pause, " be it so ! go tell
Kenmure I forgive him — but my curse rest on
my son if ever he does."
512. — " When I was very young," said Mr.
Munden (rehearsing anecdotes of his past life),
" and looking still younger, I performed the
part of Old Philpot, in the Citizen, to a respect-
JOE MILLER 215
able audience at Brighton, with great success ;
and it chanced, on the next evening being disen-
gaged from any professional duty, I was intro-
duced, by the gentleman who principally pat-
ronized me, as Mr. Munden. into a club-room
full of company. On hearing my name an-
nounced, a nice snug looking good humoured
personage laid down his pipe, and taking up his
glass, said — " Here is to your health, young sir,
and to your father's health, I saw him perform
last night, and a very nice clever old gentleman
he is."
513. — An Irish Jack Ketch, upon asking a
criminal, on the point of execution, for the ac-
customed fee of his office, received something
more than the usual sum, on which he exclaimed,
in great glee — " Long life, and good luck to
your honour," and instantly let the drop fall.
514. — A Black Man proceeding along one of
the fashionable streets at the west end of the
town, was saluted with the sound of — " How d'ye
do, blackee — how do, Snowball? " He turned
round in anger, but on perceiving the parrot, he
said — " Ah ! ah ! you rogue, }^ou grow rich now,
have a fine golden house of your own, insult poor
man, but I know your fader when he lived in a
bush — mind dat, and keep civil tongue."
515. — An Apothecary, one of the Friends,
meeting Dr. Fothergill in the street, accosted
him in the following manner. " Friend Fother-
gill, I intend dining with thee to-day."- — " I
shall be glad to see thee," replied the doctor. " I
216 JOE MILLER
intend bringing my family with me," says the
apothecary. " So much the better/' quoth the
doctor. "But pray, friend, hast thou not some
joke? " " No joke, indeed," replied the apoth-
ecary, " but a very serious matter. Thou hast
attended friend Ephraim these three days, and
ordered him no medicine. I cannot live at this
rate in my own house, and I must therefore live
in thine." The doctor took the hint, and pre-
scribed handsomely for his friend Ephraim, and
his friend Leech, the apothecary .
516. — A Young Man visiting his mistress,
met a rival who was somewhat advanced in years,
and wishing to rally him, inquired how old he
was? " I can't exactly \ell," replied the other;
" but I can inform you that an ass is older at
twenty, than a man of sixty ! "
517. — When Ameer, who had conquered
Persia and Tartary, was defeated by Ismail, and
taken prisoner, he sat on the ground, and a sol-
dier prepared a coarse meal to appease his hun-
ger. As this was boiling in one of the pots used
for the food of the horses, a dog put his head
into it ; but from the mouth of the vessel being
too small, he could not draw it out again, and ran
away with both the pot and the meat. The cap-
tive monarch burst into a fit of laughter ; and, on
one of his guards demanding what cause upon
earth could induce a person in his situation to
laugh, he replied — " It was but this morning the
steward of my household complained that three
hundred camels were not enough to carry my
JOE MILLER 217
kitchen furniture ; how easily it is now borne by
that dog, who hath carried away my cooking in-
struments and dinner? "
518. — Dean Swift once preached a charity
sermon at St. Patrick's, Dublin, the length of
which disgusted many of his auditors ; which
coming to his knowledge, and it falling to his lot
soon after to preach another sermon of the like
kind in the same place, they took special care to
avoid falling into the former error. His text
was — " He that hath pity upon the poor lendeth
unto the Lord, and that which he hath given, will
he pay him again." The dean, after repeating
his text in a very emphatical tone, added —
" Now, my beloved brethren, you hear the terms
of this loan ; if you like the security, down with
the dust." It is worthy of remark, that the
quaintness and brevity of this sermon produced
a very large contribution.
519. — The following admonition was ad-
dressed by a Quaker to a man who was pouring
forth a volley of ill language against him — ■
" Have a care, friend, thou mayest run thy face
against my fist."
520. — A Feeeow boasting in company of his
family declared even his own father died in an
exalted situation. Some of the company looking
incredulous, another observed — " I can bear tes-
timony of the gentleman's veracity, as my father
was sheriff for the county when his was hanged
for horse-stealing."
521. — A Late Great Personage, when
218 JOE MILLER
masquerades were f rcquentty allowed in this coun-
try being present at one of these entertainments,
he was struck with the form of a lady. After
some conversation with her, he laid his hand upon
her bosom, the softness of which he greatly com-
mended. " I could," replied the lady, " put your
hand upon a softer place," and upon his request-
ing her to do so, she immediately put his hand
upon his own head, and directly mingled with the
crowd.
522. — A Secretary of War, being at a cor-
poration feast, when the dinner was over, and the
glass went merrily round, one of the aldermen
addressed himself to his lordship as follows : —
" My lord, I wonder, amongst the various
changes of ins and outs in the administration,
I have always observed your lordship in constant
employ." This was repeated several times, as his
lordship endeavoured to evade giving a direct
answer; however, at last, on the observation
being repeated, his lordship made this laconic re-
ply: — " Mr. Alderman, I look on the state as a
large plum-pudding, and whilst there is a bit of
it left, I am determined to have a part of
it."
523. — Swift, in his lunacy, had intervals of
sense, at which time his plrysicians took him out
for the air. When they came to the park, Swift
remarked a new building, and asked what it was
designed for, to which Dr. Kingsbury answered,
" That, Mr. Dean, is the magazine for arms and
powder for the security of the city." — " Oh ! "
JOE MILLER 219
said the dean, pulling out his pocket-book, " let
me take an item of that ; this is worth remarking ;
my tablets, as Hamlet says, my tablets; memory,
put down that ; " on which he wrote the following
lines, which were the last he ever wrote:
" Behold a proof of Irish sense,
Here Irish wit is seen ;
When nothing's left that's worth defence,
We build a magazine."
and then put up his pocket-book, laughing heart-
ily at the conceit, and finishing it with these
words : " After the steed is stolen, shut the stable
door." After which he never said a sensible word,
so that these lines may be said to be the last
speech and dying words of his wit.
524. — When General V was quartered
in a small town in Ireland, he and his lady were
regularly besieged as they got into their carriage
by an old beggar-woman, who kept her post at
the door, assailing them daily with fresh impor-
tunities. Their charity and patience became ex-
hausted; not so the petitioner's perseverance.
One morning, as Mrs. V. stepped into the car-
riage, our oratrix began — " Oh, my lady ! success
to your ladyship, and success to your honour's
honour, this morning of all the days in the year :
for sure I did not dream last night that her lady-
ship gave me a pound of tea, and your honour
gave me a pound of tobacco."- — " But my good
woman," said the general, " don't you know that
dreams go by the rule of contrary? " — " Do they
so?" rejoined the old woman; "then it must
220 JOE MILLER
mean, that your honour will give me the tea, and
her ladyship the tobacco."
5%5. — An Officer just returned from the
West Indies, was invited to dine with Dr. Har-
vey, at Dublin, where several of the medical
tribe were present. The conversation turned
upon tropical climates, and the officer whose
opinion was asked about that of the West Indies,
said, " it was an infernal place ; and that if he
had lived there until that day he would have been
dead of the yellow fever two years ago." An-
other of the physicians, without observing the
bull, gravely added, " that the climate was cer-
tainly very unwholesome, and that vast numbers
had died there." " Very true," said Dr. O'Don-
nel, " but if you'll tell me of any country where
people don't die, I will go and end my days
there."
5%6. — Of that species of trope in Irish rhe-
toric called a bull, the Irish themselves are de-
cidedly superior to all the British wits who have
attempted to coin for them. A Dublin chairman
named Darby Logan, eminent for this class of
composition, kept an alehouse in the neighbour-
hood of Smock-alley Theatre, which was a good
deal resorted to by all the wags of that city.
Some of these customers one night knocked at
his door at a late hour to get in, long after the
family were gone to rest. After some consider-
able time, Darby opened the door, shivering in
his shirt, and answered the customers by saying,
" Blur and ounds, gentlemen, sure I can't let
JOE MILLER 221
you in, don't you see that Vm in bed these two
hours." They, however, prevailed on the good-
natured host to admit them, and after obtaining
some drink, begged hard to get some supper.
Darby expressed his sorrow for not being able to
accommodate them, adding, that he had bought a
ver}^ fine quarter of pork the day before, but that
a parcel of blackguard chairmen came in the
evening while he was out, cut it up into mutton
chops, and dressed it for their suppers.
527. — The Same Genius was one evening
sent out to inquire the play of the night, by a
party of his brother chairmen, in order to form
some judgment of the probable crowd of the
theatre, as particularly interesting to their pro-
fessional views. Darby went forth leaving his
friends to indulge in their favourite bever-
age orange ale, while he looked out for the next
posting bill, and prevailed upon some person he
met to read the title of the play, which was
Orang Zebe, or the Great Mogul. Darby re-
turned with great glee to his friends, who put
the question, " Well, Darby, what's the play? "
■ — " By St. Patrick," answered Darby, " you
have it before you ; 'tis Orange Ale, and the
Great Mug Full."
528. — The Father of an Irish Student
seeing his son doing untowardly, " Why, Sir-
rah," says he, " did you ever see me do so when I
was a boy? "
529. — The Late Countess of Kenmare,
who was a devout Catholic, passing one day from
222 JOE MILLER
her devotions at a chapel in Dublin, through a
lane of beggars, who are there certainly the best
actors in Europe in the display of counterfeit
misery. Her ladyship's notice was particularly
attracted by one fellow apparently more wretched
than all the rest, and she asked him, " Pray, my
good man, what's the matter with you? " the fel-
low, who well knew her simplicity and benevo-
lence, answered, " Oh ! my lady, I'm deaf and
dumb." — " Poor man," replied the innocent
lady, " how long have you been so ? " — " Ever
since I had the faver last Christmas." The poor
lady presented him with a half crown, and went
away piously commiserating his misfortunes.
530. — One of those Hibernian lapidaries to
whose skill the London pavements are so highly
indebted, was tried at the Old Bailey one day for
biting off the nose of a Welshman, a brother pa-
viour, in a quarrel, at their work. — The unfor-
tunate Cambrian appeared in court with his nose-
less countenance, and swore the fact against the
prisoner ; but Dennis stoutly denied it, and called
his gossip, another Hibernian paviour, to give
evidence in his defence. This witness with great
apparent simplicity, stated, " That to be sure
his gossip and the other man had a little bit of
a scrimmage, .and both fell together, that the
Welshman made several attempts to bite his gos-
sip's face, and at last he made a twist of his
mouth, and bit off his own nose in a mistake."
531. — Counsellor Crips, of Cork, being on
a party at Castle Martyr, the seat of the Earl of
JOE MILLER 223
Shannon, in Ireland, one of the company, who
was a physician, strolled out before dinner into
the church-yard. Dinner being served up, and
the doctor not returned, some of the company
were expressing their surprise where he could be
gone to. " Oh," says the counsellor, " he is but
just stept out to pay a visit to some of his old
patients."
532. — Sir John Davis, a Welshman, in the
reign of King James I., wrote a letter to the king
in these words : " Most mighty Prince ! the gold
mine that was lately discovered in Bally curry
turns out to be a lead one."
533. — An Irish Gentleman in company,
seeing that the lights were so dim as only to ren-
der the darkness visible, called out lustily,
" Here, waiter, let me have a couple of daycent
candles, just that I may see how these others
burn."
534. — A Letter received on Friday, 6th of
Feb. 1807, by a gentleman in the neighbour-
hood of Brighton, from an officer lately restored
to liberty from a French prison, contains the fol-
lowing anecdote : " My confinement in the Tem-
ple, with Moreau, Georges, Pichegru, and Cap-
tain Wright, made me a witness of scenes w T hich
still haunt my imagination, and some day, when
we have the happiness to meet over a clear fire-
side, I'll rouse your indignation by a repetition
of them : the only time I laughed in France, was
at the relation of an incident which occurred to
a poor Irishman, who was one of O'Connor's
&£4 JOE MILLER
guides, and considered a clever man in the ki;
edge of roads in England. Berthier, minister of
war, sent for him and began telling him, that the
expedition against England would shortly sail,
in three divisions, one to Dover, and others to
places adj acent ; that they would act separately,
and that the object of each would be to reach
London as soon as possible, when, of course, the
country would be conquered : "Now," says Berth-
ier, " how would you recommend me to go to
London from Dover ; recollect I wish to be there
as soon as possible? " — " Och, my dear," says
O'Leary, " take the mail-coach." 'Tis needless
to add, that poor O'Leary was disgraced.
535. — When the once celebrated Dr. Sheb-
beare was pilloried for a libel, a little ashamed
of his elevation, he hired an Irish chairman to
hold an umbrella over his head during the pain-
ful ceremony, and for this service the doctor re-
warded him with a guinea. Next day, the chair-
man called upon him, and hoped his honor was
well — began to hum ! and ha ! as if he had more
to say. The doctor, suspecting his drift, said,
" My friend, what do you want? I thought I
paid you yesterday very handsomely." — " To
be sure, now," said Pat, " and so you did for the
trouble; but please your honor, consider the dis-
grace."
536. — Ax Irishman one day found a light
guinea which he was obliged to sell for eighteen
shillings. Next day he saw another guinea lying
in the street. " No, no," says he, " I'll have
JOE MILLER 225
nothing to do with you, I lost three shillings by
3 T our brother yesterday."
537. — An Irishman maintained in company
that the sun did not make his revolution round
the earth : " But how then," said one to him, " is
it possible, that reaching the west, where he sets,
he be seen to rise in the east, if he did not pass
underneath the globe ? " — " How puzzled you
are," replied this obstinate, ignorant man, " he
returns the same way ; and if it be r\pt perceived,
it is on account of his coming back by night."
538. — Rock, the comedian, when at Covent-
Garden, advised one of the scene-shifters, who
had met with an accident, to the plan of a sub-
scription ; and a few daj^s afterwards he asked
for the list of names, which, when he had read it
over, he returned. " Why, Rock," says the
poor fellow, "won't you give me something?"
— " Zounds, man," replied the other, " didn't I
give you the hint? "
539.^The celebrated bull of the Irish gentle-
man who abused a woman for having changed
him at nurse is not original. Sancho Panza
makes one perfectly similar. " Pray tell me,
squire," says the duchess, " is not your master
the person whose history is printed under the
name of the Sage Hidalgo Don Quixote de la
Mancha?" — "The very same, my lady," an-
swered Sancho, " and I myself am the very squire
of his, who is mentioned, or ought x o be men-
tioned, in that history, unless they have changed
me in the cradle."
226 JOE MILLER
540. — Dr. Hunter, in his translation of Son-
nini's Travels in Egypt, informs his readers that
" at Malta, the ridges of the houses are flat ter-
races;" that, " at Rosetta, the inhabitants cut
the throats of their ducks, and in that situation
keep them alive with their wings broken." And
lastly, that " the Orientals never take a walk but
on horseback."
541. — An Irishman, angling in the rain,
was observed to keep his line under the arch of a
bridge ; upon being asked the reason he gave the
following answer : " To be sure, the fishes will
be after crowding there, in order to keep out of
the wet."
542. — The very ingenious and amiable Bishop
Berkeley, of Cloyne, in Ireland, was so entirely
contented within his income in that diocese, that
when offered by the late Earl of Chesterfield
(then Lord-lieutenant) a bishoprick much more
beneficial than that he possessed, he declined it
with these words : " I love my neighbors, and
they love me; why then should I begin, in my
old days, to form new connexions, and tear my-
self from those friends whose kindness is to me
the greatest happiness I can enjoy." Acting in
this instance like the celebrated Plutarch, who
being isked why he resided in his native city,
so obscure and so little, " I stay in it," cried he,
" lest it should grow less."
543. — A Gentleman passing through Hol-
born lost his watch, and advertised it, with a
reward of three guineas to the person who would
JOE MILLER 227
bring it to him. Immediately after the appear-
ance of the advertisement, a tradesman, in the
neighbourhood of Holborn, came to the place to
which the finder had been directed, and gave the
following account of his getting the watch: —
He said that one evening, going to the butcher's
to buy some meat, the butcher observed a watch
hanging by the upper button of the skirt of his
coat, and asked him if he used to carry his watch
so. At that time he knew nothing of the watch
being there, but remembered passing through
a crowd in the street that evening. There is
no doubt that, in the pressure and scuffle, the
ribbon of the watch got entangled on the button.
544. — A Merchant in Jamaica, originally
from London, having acquired a handsome for-
tune in that island, concluded with himself he
could not be happy in the enjoyment of it unless
he shared it with a woman of merit ; and, know-
ing no one to his fancy, he resolved to write to
a worthy correspondent in London. He knew
no other style than that he used in his trade ;
therefore, treating affairs of love as he did his
business, after giving his friend, in a letter, sev-
eral commissions, and reserving this for the last,
he went on thus — " Item, Seeing that I have
taken a resolution to marry, and that I do not
find a suitable match for me here, do not fail
to send, by next ship bound hither, a young
woman, of the qualifications and form following.
As for a portion, I demand none ; let her be of
an honest family ; between twenty and twenty-
228 JOE MILLER
five years of age ; of a middle stature, and well-
proportioned ; her face agreeable ; her temper
mild, her character blameless, her health good,
and her constitution strong enough to bear the
change of the climate, that there may be no occa-
sion to look out for a second, through lack of
the first soon after she comes to hand, which must
be provided against as much as possible, con-
sidering the great distance, and the dangers of
the sea. If she arrives, and conditioned as
abovesaid, with the present letter indorsed by
you, or at least an attested copy thereof, that
there may be no mistake or imposition, I hereby
oblige and engage myself to satisfy the said let-
ter by marrying the bearer at fifteen days' sight.
In witness whereof I subscribe this, &c."
The London correspondent, who read over and
over the odd article, which put the future spouse
on the same footing with a bale of goods, could
not help admiring the prudent exactness of the
merchant, and his laconic style, in enumerating
the qualifications which he insisted on ; he, how-
ever, endeavored to serve him to his mind ; and
after many inquiries, found a lady fit for his
purpose in a young person of a reputable family,
but no fortune, of good humour, and of a polite
education, well-shaped, and more than tolerably
handsome ; he made the proposal to her as
his friend had directed; and the young gentle-
woman, who had no subsistence but from a cross
old aunt, who gave her a great deal of uneasi-
ness, accepted it. A ship bound for Jamaica
JOE MILLER 229
was then fitting out at Bristol; the gentlewoman
went on board the same, together with the bales
of goods, being well provided with all necessaries,
and particularly with a certificate in due form,
and indorsed by the correspondent. She was
also included in the invoice, the last article of
which ran thus — " Item: A maid of twenty-one
years of age, of the quality, shape, and condi-
tioned as per order; as appears by the affidavits
and certificates she has to produce." The writ-
ings which were thought necessary to so exact a
man as the future husband, were an extract of
the parish register ; a certificate of her character,
signed by the curate; an attestation of her
neighbours, setting forth that she had, for the
space of three years, lived with an old aunt, who
was intolerably peevish, and had not, during all
that time, given her said aunt the least occasion
of complaint ; and, lastly, the goodness of her
constitution was certified, after consultation, by
four eminent physicians. Before the gentle-
woman's departure, the London correspondent
sent several letters of advice, by other ships, to
his friend ; whereby he informed him that, per
such a ship, he sent him a young woman, of such
an age, character, and condition ; in a word, such
as he desired to marry. The letters of advice,
the bales, and the gentlewoman, came safe to
the port ; and the merchant, who happened to be
one of the foremost on the pier, at the lady's
landing, was charmed to see a handsome person,
who, having heard him called by his name, thus
230 JOE MILLER
addressed him — " Sir, I have a bill of exchange
upon you ; and you know that it is not usual for
people to carry a great deal of money about
them in such a long voyage as I have now made ;
I beg the favour you will be pleased to pay it."
At the same time she gave him his correspondent's
letter, on the back of which was written, " The
bearer of this is the spouse you ordered me to
send you." — " Ha, madam ! "said the merchant,
" I never yet suffered my bills to be protested,
and I swear this shall not be the first: I shall
reckon myself the most fortunate of all men, if
you will allow me to discharge it." — " Yes, sir,"
replied she ; " and the more willingly, since I am
apprised of your character. We had several
persons of honour on board who knew you very
well; and who, during my passage, have an-
swered all the questions I asked them concerning
you, in so advantageous a manner, that they have
raised in me a perfect esteem for you." This in-
terview was in a few days followed by the nup-
tials, which were very magnificent. The newly-
married couple were satisfied with their happy
union, made by a bill of exchange, which turned
out one of the most fortunate that had happened
in that island for many years.
545. — Atterbury, bishop of Rochester, when
a certain bill was brought into the House of
Lords, said among other things, " that he proph-
esied last winter this bill would be attempted in
the present session and he was sorry to find that
he had proved a true prophet." Lord Con-
JOE MILLER 231
ingsby, who spoke after the bishop, and always
spoke in a passion, desired the house to remark
" that his Right Reverend friend had set him-
self forth as a prophet: but for his part he did
not know what prophet to liken him to unless to
that furious prophet, Balaam, who was reproved
by his own Ass." The bishop, in a reply, with
great wit and calmness, exposed this- rude attack,
concluding thus : " since the noble lord had dis-
covered in our manners such a similitude, I am
content to be compared to the prophet Balaam ;
but, m}^ lords, I am at a loss to make out the
other part of the parallel; where is the Ass? I
am sure I have been reproved by nobody but his
lordship."
546. — A Few days since, a gentleman in
Shropshire observed two sailors very busy in lift-
ing an ass over the wall of a pound, where it
was confined. On asking the reason, the tars,
with true humanity of character, made the fol-
lowing reply : — " Why, lookee, master, we saw
this here animal aground without grub, d'ye see,
and so my messmate and I agreed to cut his cable,
and set him adrift, because we have known, be-
fore now, what it is to be on short allowance"
547. — A Quaker and a Baptist travelling in
a stage-coach, the latter took every opportunity
of ridiculing the former on account of his re-
ligious profession. At length, they came to a
heath, where the body of a malefactor, lately
executed, was hanging in chains upon a gibbet.
" I wonder now," said the Baptist, " what re-
232 JOE MILLER
ligion that man was of." — " Perhaps," replied
the Quaker, coldly, " he was a Baptist, and they
have hung him up to dry."
548. — " Lady Rachel is put to bed," said
Sir Bo}de to a friend. " What has she got? " —
"Guess?" "A boy."— "No; guess again?"
— " A girl."—" Who told you? "
549. — One of Sir Boyle Roche's children
asked him one da}^, " Who was the father of
George III. ? " " jVIt darling," he answered,
** it was Frederick, Prince of Wales, who would
have been George III. if he had lived."
550. — Dean Swift, having a shoulder of
mutton, too much done, brought up for his din-
ner, sent for the cook, and told her to take the
mutton down, and do it less. " Please your
honor, I cannot do it less." " But," said the
dean, " if it had not been done enough, you could
have done it more, could you not? " — " Oh, yes,
Sir, very easily." — " Why, then," said the dean,
" for the future, when you commit a fault, let
it be such a one as can be mended."
551. — The first time that Henderson, the
player, rehearsed a part at Drury-lane, George
Garrick came into the boxes, saying, as he en-
tered — " I only come as a Spectator." Soon
after, he made some objection to Henderson's
playing; and the new actor retorted — " Sir, I
thought you were only to be a Spectator; you
are turning Tatler." — " Never mind him, Sir,"
said David Garrick, "never mind him: let him
be what he will, I will be the guardian."
JOE MILLER 233
552. — Mr. Addison, though an elegant
writer, was too diffident of himself, ever to shine
as a public speaker. At the time of debating
the Union Act, in the House of Commons, he
rcse up, and, addressing himelf to the speaker,
said — " Mr. Speaker, I conceive " — he could go
no farther ; then rising again, he said — " Mr.
Speaker, I conceive " — still unable to proceed,
he sat down again. A third time, he arose, and
was still unable to say anything more than —
" Mr. Speaker, I conceive " — when a certain
young member, who was possessed of more ef-
frontery and volubility, arose, and said — " Mr.
Speaker, I am sorry to find that the honourable
gentleman over the way has conceived three
times, and brought forth nothing."
553. — Two Gentlemen, the other day, con-
versing together, one asked the other, if ever he
had gone through Euclid. The reply was — " I
have never been farther from Liverpool than
Runcorn, and I don't recollect any place of that
name between Liverpool and there."
554. — At a Courtmartiae on board the
Gladiator, at Portsmouth, a sailor, who was giv-
ing his evidence, was asked by the president what
religion he was of? He replied — " Please your
honour, Vm a European." This was spoken so
mumblingly, owing to a quid of tobacco he had
in his mouth, that the president, and, indeed,
most of the court, understood him to say — " Vm
of your opinion;"" but the question being re-
peated, he again answered — " Vm a European! "
234 JOE MILLER
The strangeness of this reply convulsed the
whole court with laughter.
555. — Admiral Duncan's address to the offi-
cers who came on board his ship for instructions,
previous to the engagement with Admiral dc
Winter, was both laconic and humourous— " Gen-
tlemen, you see a severe winter approaching; I
have only to advise you to keep up a good fire."
556. — Sieur Boas (the sleight of hand man)
was accosted in the usual st} 7 le b} 7 a retailer of
oranges. " Well, my lad," says the sieur, " how
do you sell them? " — " Two-pence a piece, Sir,"
quoth the man. " High-priced, indeed," re-
joined the deceiver; " however, we'll try them."
Cutting an orange into four pieces — " Behold,"
says the sieur (producing a new guinea from
the inside of the orange), " how your fruit re-
pays me for your extortion. Come, I can afford
to purchase one more," and he repeated the same
experiment as with the first. " Well, to be
sure," says he, " they are the first fruit I ever
found to produce golden seeds." The sieur then
wished to come to terms for the whole basket ;
but the astonished clodpole, with joyous alacrity,
ran out of the house, and reaching home, began
to quarter the contents of the whole basket. But,
alas ! the seeds were no more than the produce
of nature — the conjuror alone possessing the
golden art.
557. — A Very Worthy, though not particu-
larly erudite, underwriter at Lloyd's, was con-
versing one day with a friend in the coffee-house,
JOE MILLER 235
on the subject of a ship they had mutually in-
sured. His friend observed, " Do you know that
I shrewdly suspect our ship is in jeopardy." —
" The devil she is," said he ; " well, I am glad
that she has got into some port at last.' 1 ''
558. — The following riddle is said to be the
last production of Sheridan's witty pen : " Some-
times with a head, sometimes without a head ;
sometimes with a tail, sometimes without a tail ;
sometimes with head and tail, sometimes without
either; and yet equally perfect in all situations.
Answer — a wig."
559. — A Few years ago, one David Lloyd, a
Welshman, who kept an inn at Hereford, had
a living sow with six legs ; and the circumstance
being publicly known, great numbers, of all de-
scriptions, resorted to the house. It happened,
that David had a wife, who was much addicted
to drunkenness, and for which he used frequently
to bestow on her a very severe drubbing. One
day, in particular, having taken a second extra
cup, which operated in a very powerful manner,
and dreading the usual consequences, she went
into the yard, opened the stye-door, let out the
sow, and lay down in its place, hoping that a
short unmolested nap would sufficiently dispel the
fumes of the liquor. In the meantime, however,
a company arrived to see the much-talked-of
animal; and Davy, proud of his office, ushered
them to the stye, exclaiming — " Did any of you
ever see so uncommon a creature before? " — " In-
deed, Davy," said one of the farmers, " I never
236 JOE MILLER
before observed a sow so very drunk in all my
life 1 " Hence the term, drunk as David's sow.
560. — Sir Thomas Overbury says, that the
man who has not anything to boast of but his
illustrious ancestors, is like a potato — the only
good belonging to him is under ground.
561. — Mr. Eyton passing through Speen-
hamland, observed a fellow placed in the stocks.
" My friend," said he, " I advise you by all
means to sell out." — " I should have no objec-
tion, your honour," he replied drily, " but at
present they seem much too low."
562. — When Brennan, the noted highway-
man, was taken in the south of Ireland, curiosity
drew numbers to the gaol to see the man loaded
with irons, who had long been a terror to the
country. Among others, was a banker, whose
notes at that time were not held in the highest
estimation, who assured the prisoner that he was
very glad to see him there at last. Brennan,
looking up, replied, " Ah, Sir ! I did not expect
that from you: for you know, that, when all the
country refused your notes, I took them."
563. — A Lady remarking to a bookseller that
she had just got Cr abbe's Tales, and thought
them excellent ; another lady heard the observa-
tion with astonishment, and, on the departure of
the speaker, asked the bookseller, with a very
grave face, " if he could tell her how the crab's
tails were dressed, as she was very desirous of
tasting them."
564*. — A Gentleman staying late one night
JOE MILLER 237
at the tavern, his wife sent his servant for him
about twelve : " John," said he, " go home and
tell your mistress, it can be no more." The man
returned, by his mistress's order, again at one,
the answer then was " it could be no less." —
" But, Sir," said the man, " day has broke." —
" With all my heart," replied the master, " he
owes me nothing." — " But the sun is up, Sir." —
" And so he ought to be, John, ought he not?
He has farther to go than we have, I am sure"
565.- — Dominico, the harlequin, going to see
Louis XIV. at supper, fixed his eyes on a dish
of partridges. The king, who was fond of his
acting, said. " Give that dish to Dominico." —
" And the partridges too, sire? " Louis, pene-
trating into the artfulness of the question, re-
plied, " and the partridges too." The dish was
gold.
566. — Curious Extract from the Log Book of
Thomas Parker, who lately died in America,
and who was an active Naval Officer during
the late War.
" First part of the voyage* pleasant, with
fine breezes and free winds — all sails set. Spoke
many vessels in want of provisions — supplied
them freely.
" Middle passage. — Weather variable — short
of provisions — spoke several of the above vessels
our supplies had enabled to refit — made signals
of distress — they up helm and bore away.f
* Alluding to the early part of his life.
t Those whom he had formerly befriended, now, in
his distress, refuse him assistance.
238 JOE MILLER
" Later part. — Boisterous, with contrary
winds — current of adversity setting hard to lee-
ward — towards the end of the passage it cleared
up — with the quadrant of honesty had an ob-
servation — corrected and made up my reckoning
— and, after a passage of fifty years, came to in
Mortality Road, with the calm unruffled surface
of the Ocean of Eternity in View."
567. — A Welsh Curate having preached
several sermons, which were considered superior
to his own powers of composition, was asked, by
a friend, how he managed? He replied, " Do
you see, I have got a volume of sermons by one
Tillotson, and a very good book it is ; so I trans-
late one of the sermons into Welsh, and then back
again into English ; after which the devil himoelf
would not know it again."
568. — George IV., on hearing some one de-
clare that Moore had murdered Sheridan, in his
late life of that statesman, observed, " I won't
say that Mr. Moore has. murdered Sheridan, but
he has certainly attempted his life."
569. — The British Sailors had always been
accustomed to drink their allowance of brandy or
rum clear, till Admiral Vernon ordered those
under his command to mix it with water. This
innovation gave great offence to the sailors, and,
for a time, rendered the commander very unpop-
ular among them. The admiral, at that time,
wore a grogram coat, for which reason they nick-
named him, " Old Grog ; " hence by degrees, the
JOE MILLER 239
mixed liquor he constrained them to, universally
obtained among them the name of Grog.
570. — A Foolish Stage-struck Youth ran
away from his friends, and got amongst a most
low and miserable set of strollers. A relation,
after a time, discovered him just as he was going
on the stage in King Richard; and, on reading
him a pretty severe lecture on his folly and dis-
obedience, received an answer suitable to all the
ridiculous consequences and assumed pomp of a
mock monarch. To which he answered, " These
are fine lofty words, but 'tis a great pity, Mr.
King Richard, that you could not afford to buy
a better pair of shoes." The actor, looking at
his toes, which were staring him in the face, with-
out losing his vivacity, cried, " Shoes ! O, Sir,
shoes are things we kings don't stand upon ! "
571. — A Schoolmaster asked one of his boys
on a sharp wintry morning, what was Latin for
cold? The boy hesitated a little—" What, sir-
rah," said he, " cannot you tell? "— " Yes, yes,"
replied the boy, " J have it at my -fingers' ends."
572. — While the Eddystone light-house was
erecting, a French privateer took the men upon
the rock, together with their tools, and carried
them to France ; and the captain was in expecta-
tion of a reward for the achievement. While the
captives lay in prison, the transaction reached the
ears of Louis XIV. when he immediately ordered
them to be released, and the captors put in their
places — declaring, that " though he was at war
with England, he was not so with all mankind."
240 JOE MILLER
He directed the men to be sent back to their work,
with presents — observing, " that the Eddystone
light-house was so situated as to be of equal serv-
ice to all nations having occasion to navigate the
channel between England and France."
573. — A Dashing Foreman to a tailor in
Glasgow, having got a holiday to go to see his
majesty, and dining with a mixed company,
wished to impress those present with the immense
importance of his services to his employers.
" Though I say it, that should not say it," quoth
Snip, " if it was not for me our people could not
carry on their business." — " I can very well be-
lieve you," said one of the party, " I never yet
heard of a tailor who could carry on his business
without his goose."
574. — Mr. Scott, of Exeter, travelled on
business till about eighty years of age. He was
one of the most celebrated characters in this
kingdom for punctuality, and by his methodical
conduct, joined to uniform diligence, he gradu-
ally amassed a large fortune. For a long series
of years, the proprietor of every inn he fre-
quented in Devon and Cornwall knew the day,
and the very hour he would arrive. A short
time before he died, a gentleman, on a journey in
Cornwall, stopped at a small inn at Port Isaac
to dine. The waiter presented him with a bill
of fare, which he did not approve of ; but observ-
ing a fine duck roasting, " I'll have that," said
the traveller. " You cannot, Sir," said the land-
lord, " it is for Mr. Scott, of Exeter."—" I know
JOE MILLER 241
Mr. Scott very well," rejoined the gentleman,
" he is not in your house." — " True, Sir," said
the landlord, " but six months ago, when he was
here last, he ordered a duck to be ready for him
this day, precisely at two o'clock; " and, to the
astonishment of the traveller, he saw the old
gentleman on his Rosinante jugging into the inn
yard about five minutes before the appointed
time.
575. — A French Priest, who had usually a
very small audience, was one day preaching at
the church in his village, when, the doors being
open, a gander and several geese came stalking
up the middle aisle. The preacher, availing him-
self of the circumstance, observed, that he could
no longer find fault with his district for non-
attendance ; because, though they did not come
themselves, they sent their representatives.
576. — A Person who had resided for some
time on the coast of Africa, was asked if he
thought it possible to civilise the natives. " As
a proof of the possibility of it," said he, " I
have known some negroes that thought as little
of a lie or an oath as any European."
A modern writer of travels, records, that in
one of his peregrinations he traversed a wide ex-
tent of uncultivated regions, but at last per-
ceived a gibbet, " the sight of which," says he,
" gave me infinite pleasure, as it proved that I
was in a civilised country."
577. — One Evening at Oxford, Dr. Johnson
was present at a private party, when, among
242 JOE MILLER
other topics, an essay on the future life in brutes
was mentioned, and a gentleman present was in-
clined to support the author's opinion, that the
lower animals have an " immortal part." He fa-
miliarly remarked to the doctor — " Really, Sir,
when we see a very sensible dog, we don't know
what to think of him." Upon which, Johnson,
turning quickly round, replied — " True, Sir ;
and when we see a very foolish fellow, we don't
know what to think of him."
578. — A Person who dined in company with
Dr. Johnson, endeavoured to make his court to
him by laughing immoderately at everything he
said. The Doctor bore it for some time with
philosophical indifference; but the impertinent
ha, ha, ha! becoming intolerable, " Pray, Sir,"
said the doctor, " what is the matter? I hope I
have not said anything that you can compre-
hend."
579. — An eminent carcass butcher, as meagre
in his person as he was in his understanding,
being one day in a bookseller's shop, took up a
volume of Churchill's poems, and by way of shew-
ing his taste, repeated the following line : —
" Who rules o'er freemen should himself be free."
Then turning to Dr. Johnson — " What think
you of that, Sir? " said he. " Rank nonsense,"
replied the other, " it is an assertion without a
proof, and you might, with as much propriety,
say:- —
" Who slays fat oxen should himself be fat"
JOE MILLER 243
580. — The following note was written by a
bookseller in Germany, to one of his authors : —
" I have just received half a dozen lean octavos,
which you must fatten up to as many quartos,
for the Leipsic fair. I send you a large quan-
tity of paste, and a new pair of scissors."
581. — Lately, a lady, bargaining for a had-
dock with a fisherman, inquired when the fish had
been caught? " This morning, madam," said the
owner of the haddock. " You lie," replied a
voice, which seemed to issue from the gills of one
of the fish ; "it is three days ago since I w r as
caught, and two days since you stole me from
Dick Potter; and I am now stinking." This
speech, which had been uttered by a celebrated
ventriloquist, who at that instant was passing by,
so amazed the lady, that she retired in terror,
and closed the hall-door as she withdrew into her
house, lest the speaking fish might enter with her.
582. — A Witness in the Court of King's
Bench, being cross-examined by Mr. Garrow,
that learned gentleman asked him, if he was not
a fortune-teller? " I am not," answered the wit-
ness ; " but if every one had his due, I should
have no difficulty in telling your fortune."--
" Well, fellow ! " says Mr. Garrow, " pray w r hat
is to be my fortune? " — " Why, Sir," rejoined
the witness, " I understand you made your first
speech at the Old Bailey, and I think it is prob-
able that you will there make your last speech."
583. — " Sancho," said a dying planter to his
slave, " for your faithful services, I mean now to
244 JOE MILLER
do you an honour, and I leave it in my will that
you shall be buried in our family ground ! " —
"' Ah, massa. ! " replied Sancho, " Sancho no good
to be buried ; Sancho rather have de money or de
freedom; besides, if de devil should come in de
dark to look for massa, he might mistake, and
take de poor Negar man ! "
584. — A Gambler, on his death-bed, having
seriously taken leave of his physician, who told
him that he could not live beyond eight o'clock
next morning, exerted the small strength he had
left to call the doctor back ; which having accom-
plished with difficulty, for he could hardly ex-
ceed a whisper — " Doctor," said he, " I'll bet you
five guineas I live till nine."
585. — A Brandy Merchant, who had just
received intelligence of the failure of a house
which stood indebted to him upwards of five hun-
dred pounds for rum and brandy, coming into
company, appeared somewhat dejected, where-
upon, one of the gentlemen present asked him if
he was not well — " O, yes," replied another,
" he's very well, only he has lost his spirits ."
586. — A Certain Sea Captain, who had a
considerable interest with his brother officers, and
the cook aboard the vessel, were once to be tried
for an offence against the laws of the navy, of
such a nature as put their lives in some jeopardy.
The cook displayed every mark of fear and ap-
prehension for his safety. The captain, on the
contrary, seemed in very good spirits, and said,
" Cheer up, man, why should you be cast down !
JOE MILLER 245
I fear nothing, and why should you? " — " Why,
faith, y6ur honour," replied the fellow, " I should
be as courageous as you are, if we were to be tried
by a jury of cooks."
587. — An Irishman saw the sign of the Ris-
ing Sun near the Seven Dials, and underneath
was wrote, A. Moon, the man's name who kept it
being Aaron Moon. The Irishman thinking he
had discovered a just cause for triumph, roars
out to his companion, " Only see, Feilim ! see
here ! they talk of the Irish bulls ; only do but
see now ! here's a fellow puts up the Rising Sun,
and calls it A Moon."
588. — Two old ladies, who were known to be
of the same age, had the same desire to keep the
real number concealed ; one therefore used always
upon a New- Year's day to go to the other, and
say, " Madam, I am come to know how old we are
to be this year."
589. — When George Alexander Stevens was
a first actor in the Norwich company, he per-
formed the part of Horatio, in the " Fair Peni-
tent." The Calista was a Mrs. B , who had
been long the celebrated heroine in tragedy, and
the lady in high life in comedy. Mrs. B., in
her decline, sacrificed too often to the intoxicat-
ing god. In proportion as the action of the play
advanced towards a conclusion, by endeavouring
to raise her spirits with a cheerful glass, she be-
came totally unfit to represent the character. In
her last scene of Calista, it was so long before
she died, that George, after giving her several
U6 JOE MILLEK
gentle hints, cried out, " Why don't you die, you
fool? " She retorted, as loud as she could, " You
robbed the Bristol mail, you dog ! " This spirited
dialogue so diverted the audience, that much
clapping ensued. The manager seeing no end
of this merry business, dropt the curtain, and put
an end to the tumult.
590. — The Emperor Charles V. having
one day lost himself in the heat of the chase, and
wandered in the forest far from his train, after
much fatigue in trying to find a route, came at
last to a solitary hedge ale-house, where he en-
tered to refresh himself. On coming in, he saw
four men, whose mien presaged him no good;
he however sat down and called for something.
These men pretending to sleep, one of them rose,
and, approaching the emperor, said, he had
dreamt that he took his hat: and accordingly
took it off. The second, saying, he had dreamt
he had taken his coat, took that also. The third,
with a like prologue, took his waistcoat. And
the fourth, with much politeness, said, he hoped
there would be no objection to his feeling his
pockets ; and seeing a chain of gold about his
neck, whence hung his hunting-horn, was about
to take that too. But the emperor said, " Stop,
my friend, I dare say you cannot blow it ; I will
teach you." So putting the horn to his mouth,
he blew repeatedly, and very loud. His people,
who searched for him, heard the sound, and, en-
tering the cottage, were surprised to see him in
such a garb. " Here are four fellows," said the
JOE MILLER 247
emperor, " who have dreamt what they please :
I must also dream in • my turn." Sitting down,
and shutting his eyes a little while, he then
started up, saying, " I have dreamt that I saw
four thieves hanged ; " and immediately ordered
his dream to be fulfilled, the master of the inn
being compelled to be their executioner.
591. — During the reign of James II., when
the king was much disliked for his oppression,
and the number of taxes imposed on the people,
his majesty, in the progress of a tour, stopt at
Sudbury, in Suffolk, when the corporation re-
solved to address him ; but, as the mayor did not
possess much literature, it w r as settled that the
town clerk should be his prompter. Being in-
troduced to the presence, the town-clerk whis-
pered to the trembling mayor, " Hold up your
head, and look like a man." His worship, mis-
taking this for the beginning of a speech, re-
peated aloud to the king, " Hold up your head,
and look like a man." The town clerk, in amaze,
again whispered him, " What do you mean by
this, Sir? " The mayor, in the same manner,
repeated, "What do you mean by this, Sir?"
The town-clerk, alarmed, whispered still more
earnestly, " I tell you, Sir, you'll ruin us all."
The mayor, still imagining this to be part of his
speech, concluded his matchless performance
with, " / tell you, Sir, you'll ruin us all."
592. — That sort of rhetoric is best which is
most reasonable and catching. An instance we
have in that old commander at Cadiz, who proved
M8 JOE MILLER
a good orator. Being to say something to his
soldiers (which he was not used to do), he made
them a speech to this purpose : " What a shame
would it be, you Englishmen, that feed upon
good beef and beer, to let those rascally Span-
iards beat you, that eat nothing but oranges and
lemons." And thus he put more courage into
his men than he could have done by a learned
oration.
593. — A Poor Woman, understanding that
Dr. Goldsmith was a physician, and hearing of
his great humanity, solicited him, by letter, to
send her something for her husband, who had
lost his appetite, and was reduced to a most mel-
ancholy state. The good-natured poet waited on
her instantly, and, after some discourse with his
patient, found him sinking with sickness and
poverty. The doctor told the honest pair that
they should hear from him in an hour, when he
would send him some pills, which he believed
would prove efficacious. He immediately went
home, and put ten guineas into a chip-box, with
the following label : " These must be used as ne-
cessities require; be patient, and of good heart."
He sent his servant with this prescription to the
comfortless mourner, who found it contained a
remedy superior to anything Galen, or his dis-
ciples, could ever administer.
594. — " What have you got to say, old
B aeon-face? " said a counsellor to a farmer, at a
late Cambridge Assizes. " Why," answered the
farmer, " I am thinking my Bacon-face and
JOE MILLER 249
your Calfs-head would make a very good
dish ! "
595. — The late celebrated penurious H. Jen-
nings, Esq., of Acton Place, who was reputed to
be the richest commoner in England, when at
the age of 92, was applied to by one of his ten-
ants, then in the 80th year of his age, to renew
his lease for a further term of 14 years, when,
after some general observations, Mr. Jennings
coolly said, " Take a lease for 21 years, or you
will be troubling me again! " and this was ac-
cordingly granted.
596. — The Hibernian Schoolmaster, set-
tled in a village near London, who advertised
that he intended to keep a Sunday school twice
a week, Tuesday and Thursday, reminds us of
the mock mayor of a place in the west, who de-
clared, on his election, that he was resolved to
hold his quarter-sessions monthly.
597. — An'ro Gemmle, was called the " King
of the beggars," and was very fond of playing
off little jeuoc d'esprits of his own formation.
Once, as a priest was going to his church, he
espied An'ro on the road, seemingly in the most
profound meditation, pondering deeply," with
leaden eye that loves the ground," on something
lying in the way, and stepping seriously round
it. The clergyman came up, and said — " Well,
An'ro, what's this that seems to be puzzling you
so? For my part I see nothing but a horseshoe
on the road." — " Dear me," returned the Gaber-
lunzie, with uplifted hands, " what disna that
250 JOE MILLER
lair do — I ha'e glour'd at that shoe now the part
o' hauf an hour, and deil take me gif I could say
whether it was a horse-shoe or a mare-shoe."
This is Walter Scott's Eddie Ochiltree.
598. — The late General Scott, so celebrated
for his success in gaming, was one evening play-
ing very deep with the Count D'Artois and the
Duke de Chartres, at Paris, when a petition was
brought up from the widow of a French officer,
stating her various misfortunes, and praying re-
lief ; a plate was handed round, and each person
put in one, two, or three louis d'ors ; but when
it was held to the general, who was going to
throw for a stake of 500 louis d'ors, he said —
" Stop a moment, if you please, Sir, here goes
for the widow ! " The throw was successful,
and he instantly swept the whole into the plate,
and sent it down to the astonished petitioner.
599.— A Philadelphia Paper relates the fol-
lowing laughable occurrence : — A prisoner, at
the bar at the Mayor's Court, in that city, being
called on to plead to an indictment for larceny,
was told by the clerk to hold up his right hand.
The man immediately held up his left hand.
" Hold up your right hand," said the clerk.
" Please your honour," said the culprit, still
keeping up his left hand, " I am left-handed."
600. — Soon after Lord Kenyon was appointed
Master of the llolls, he was listening very at-
tentively to a 3 r oung clerk, who, reading to him,
before a number of gentlemen of the long robe,
the conveyances of an estate, and on coming tq
JOE MILLER 251
the word enough, pronounced it enow. His
lordship immediately interrupted him — " Hold !
hold ! you must stand corrected ; e-n-o-u-g-h is,
according to the vernacular custom, pronounced
enuff, and so must all other English words, which
terminate in o-u-g-h, as, for example, tough,
rough, cough, &c." The clerk bowed, blushed,
and went on for some time; when coming to the
word plough, he, with a loud voice, and a pene-
trating look at his honour, called it pluff! The
great lawyer stroked his chin, and, with a
smile, candidly said — " Young man, / sit cor-
rected."
601. — In the Year 1797, when democratic
notions ran high, it may be remembered that the
king's coach was attacked as his majesty was
going to the House of Peers. A gigantic Hi-
bernian, on that occasion, was conspicuously
loyal in repelling the mob. Soon after, to his
no small surprise, he received a message from
Mr. Dundas to attend at his office. He went,
and met with a gracious reception from the great
man, who, after prefacing a few encomiums on
his active loyalty, desired to point out any way
in which he would wish to be advanced, his ma-
jesty having particularly noticed his courageous
conduct, and being desirous to reward it. Pat
scratched and scraped for a while, half thunder-
struck — " The devil take me if I know what I'm
fit for." — " Nay, my goad fellow," cried Harry,
" think a moment, and dinna throw yoursel out
o' the way o' fortun." Pat hesitated a moment,
Zm, JOE MILLER
smirking as if some odd idea had strayed into
his noddle — " I'll tell you what, mister, make a
Scotchman of me, and, by St. Patrick, there'll
be no fear of my getting on." The minister
gazed awhile at the mat apropos wit — " Make a
Scotchman of you, Sir, that's impossible, for I
can't give you prudence."
602. — Dr. Burney, who wrote the celebrated
anagram on Lord Nelson, after his victory of the
Nile, " Honcr est a Nilo " (Horatio Nelson),
was shortly after on a visit to his lordship, at
his beautiful villa at Merton. From his usual
absence of mind, he neglected to put a night cap
into his portmanteau, and consequently borrowed
one from his lordship. Previously to his retiring
to rest, he sat down to study, as was his common
practice, having first put on the cap, and was
shortly after alarmed by finding it in flames ;
he immediately collected the burnt remains, and
returned them, with the following lines: —
Take your night-cap again, my good lord, I desire,
I would not retain it a minute;
What belongs to a Nelson, wherever there's fire,
Is sure to be instantly in it.
603. — The celebrated Dr. Ward was not
more remarkable for his humanity and skill, than
wit and humour. An old woman, to whom he
had administered some medicines proper for a
disorder under which she labored, applied to him,
with a complaint that^she had not experienced
any kind of effect from taking them. " No
effect at all? " says the doctor. " None in the
JOE MILLER. 253
least," replies the woman. "*Why then you
should have taken a bumping glass of gin." —
" So I did, Sir."— " Well, but when you found
that did not succeed, you should have taken
another." — " So I did, Sir, and another after
that." — " Oh, you did," says the doctor ; " aye,
it is just as I imagined; you complain that you
found no effect in my prescription, after you
confess yourself, that you swallowed gin enough
to counteract any medicine in the whole system
of physic."
604. — A Beauish Marquis waited on some
ladies, in order to take them to the Paris Observa-
tory where the celebrated Cassini was to observe
an eclipse of the sun. The arrival of this party
had been delayed by the toilet; and the eclipse
was over when the petit-maitre appeared at the
door. He was informed he had come too late,
and that all was past. " Never mind, ladies,"
said he, " step up ; Monsieur Cassini is a particu-
lar friend of mine ; he will be so obliging as to
begin again for me."
605.- — Some time ago Mr. , a most re-
spectable tradesman of Birmingham, discovered
that his son, a boy of five years of age, was ac-
customed to ask those gentlemen who came to
his house to give him money, and immediate!^
extorted a promise from him, under a threat of
correction, that he would not do so any more.
The next day Mr. , his father's partner,
called, and the boy evaded a breach of his prom-
ise, by saying, " Friend P., do thee know any
254 JJOE MILLER
who would lend -me a penny, and not require it
of me again? "
606. — A Stupid Person on day seeing a man
of learning enjoying the pleasures of the table,
said — " So, Sir, philosophers I see can indulge
in the greatest delicacies." — " Why not," replied
the other, " do you think providence intended all
the good things for the ignorant? "
607. — A Girl forced by her parents into a
disagreeable match with an old man whom she
detested, when the clergyman came to that part
of the service where the bride is asked if she con-
sents to take the bridegroom for her husband,
said, with great simplicity — " Oh dear, no, Sir ;
but you are the first person who has asked my
opinion about the matter."
608. — It was said of a great caluminator,
and a frequenter of other persons' tables, that
he never opened his mouth but at another man's
expense.
609. — A Fire happening, not long since, at
a public house, a man passing at the time en-
treated one of the firemen to play the engine
upon a particular door, and backed his request
by the bribe of a shilling. The fireman conse-
quently complied, upon which the arch rogue ex-
claimed — " You've done what I never could do
— for, egad, you've liquidated my score! "
610. — Soon after the conclusion of the French
war in Queen Elizabeth's time, a young pert offi-
cer, who had been but lately enlisted in the ser-
vice, came to the ordinary at the Black Horse
JOE MILLER 255
Inn, Holborn, where Major Johnston, a brave,
rough, old Scotch officer, and one that feared the
Lord, usually dined. The young gentleman,
while at dinner, was venting some new fangled
notions, and speaking, in the gaiety of his hu-
mour, against the dispensations of Providence,
when the major, at first, only desired him to speak
more respectfully of one for whom all the com-
pany had an honour; but finding him run on in
his extravagance, began to reprimand him in a
more serious manner. " Young man," said he,
" do not abuse your benefactor whilst you are
eating his bread. Consider whose air you
breathe, whose presence you are in, and who it
is that gave you the power of that very speech
which you make use of to his dishonour." The
young fellow, who thought to turn matters into
a jest, asked him if he was going to preach; but
at the same time desired him to take care what
ht said when he spoke to a man of honour. " A
man of honour," said the major, " thou art an
infidel and a blasphemer, and I shall use thee as
such." In short, the quarrel ran so high, that
the young officer challenged the major. Upon
their coming into the garden, the old fellow ad-
vised his antagonist to consider the place into
which one pass might plunge him ; but on finding
him to grow upon him to a degree of scurrility,
as believing the advice proceeded from fear —
" Sirrah," said he, " if a thunderbolt does not
strike thee dead before I come at thee, I shall not
fail to chastise thee for thy prof aneness to thy
256 JOE MILLER
Maker, and thy sauciness to his servant." Upon
this he drew his sword, and cried out with a loud
voice — " The sword of the Lord and of Gideon ! "
which so terrified his antagonist, that he was im-
mediately disarmed, and thrown upon his knees.
In this posture he begged his life, but the major
refused to grant it, before he asked pardon in
a short extemporary prayer, which the old gen-
tleman dictated upon the spot, and which his
proselyte repeated to him in the presence of the
whole ordinary that were then gathered about
them in the garden, to their no small diver-
sion.
611. — Munden, when confined to his bed by
the gout, and unable to put his feet to the
ground, being told by a friend that his dignified
indisposition was the laugh of the Green room,
pleasantty replied — " Though I love to laugh,
and make others laugh, yet I would much rather
they would make me a standing joke."
612. — It is well known that the veterans who
preside at the examinations of surgeons, ques-
tion minutely those who wish to become qualified.
After answering very satisfactorily to the nu-
merous inquiries made, a young gentleman was
asked, if he wished to give his patient a profuse
perspiration what he would prescribe. He men-
tioned many diaphoric medicines in case the first
failed, but the unmerciful questioner thus con-
tinued — " Pray, Sir, suppose none of those suc-
ceeded, what step would you take next? "
" Why, Sir," enjoined the enraged and harassed
JOE MILLER 257
young Esculapius, " I would send him here to
be examined; and if that did not give him a
sweat, I do not know what would."
613. — A Learned Doctor being very busy
in his study, a little girl came to ask him for
some fire. " But, says the doctor, " you have
nothing to take it in." As he was going to fetch
something for that purpose, the little girl
stooped down at the fireplace, and taking some
cold ashes in one hand, she put live embers on
them with the other. The astonished doctor
threw down his books, saying — " With all my
learning, I should never have found out that
expedient."
614. — The Late Lord Clonmel, who never
thought of demanding more than a shilling for
an affidavit, used to be well satisfied, provided it
was a good one. In his time the Birmingham
shillings were current, and he used the following
extraordinary precaution to avoid being imposed
upon, by taking a bad one — " You shall true
answer make to such questions as shall be de-
manded of you, touching this affidavit, so help
you God ! Kiss the book — Is this a good shil-
ling? Are the contents of this affidavit true?
Is this your name and hand-writing? "
615. — A Chimney Sweeper's Boy went into
a baker's shop for a two-penny loaf and conceiv-
ing it to be diminutive in size, remarked to the
baker that he did not believe it was weight.
" Never mind that," said the man of dough,
" you will have the less to carry." " True," re-
258 JOE MILLER
plied the lad, and throwing three half-pence on
the counter left the shop. The baker called after
him that he had not left money enough. " Never
mind that," said young sooty, " you will have
the less to count."
616. — When Mr. Sheridan first stood for
Stafford, he made abundant promises to procure
places for such electors as would vote for him;
and, wonderful to relate! he kept his word, for
numbers of them were appointed to offices in
Drury-lane theatre and the opera house. By
this munificence he gained his election; but in a
very short time he found opportunities to oblige
new friends, most of the others being obliged to
relinquish their situations from receiving no
fay.
617. — The Late Duke of Devonshire,
who used to leave Brookes's, regularly, at a very
late hour, in passing by the stall of a cobbler
at the end of Jermyn-street, on his way home,
always wished the cobbler a " good night ;"
which the cobbler as regularly returned by wish-
ing his grace a " gcod morning ! "
618. — Lord Kames used to relate a story of
a man, who claimed the honour of his acquaint-
ance on rather singular grounds. His lord-
ship, when one of the justiciary judges, re-
turning from the north circuit to Perth, hap-
pened one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The next
morning, walking towards the ferry, but appre-
hending he had missed his way, he asked a man
whom he met to conduct him. The other an-
JOE MILLER 259
swered, with much cordiality — " That I will do
with all my heart, my lord ; does not your lord-
ship remember me? My name 's John ; I
have had the honour to be before your lordship
for stealing sheep ! "—*-" Oh, John, I remember
you well; and how is your wife? she had the
honour to be before me too, for receiving them,
knowing them to be stolen." — " At your lord-
ship's service. We were very lucky, we got off
for want of evidence ; and I am still going on in
the butcher trade." — " Then," replied his lord-
ship, " we may have the honour of meeting
again."
619. — A Fortune-teller was arrested at
his theatre of divination, al fresco, at the corner
of the Rue de Bussy, in Paris, and carried be-
fore the tribunal of correctional police. " You
know how to read the future? " said the presi-
dent, a man of great wit, but too fond of a
joke for a magistrate. " I do, M. le President,"
replied the sorcerer. " In this case," said the
judge, " you know the judgment we intend to
pronounce? " — " Certainly." — " Well, what will
happen to you? " — " Nothing." — " You are
sure of it?" — "You will acquit me." — "Ac-
quit you? "— " There is no doubt of it." —
" Why ? " — " Because, Sir, if it had been your
intention to condemn me, you would not have
added irony to misfortune." The president,
disconcerted, turned to his brother judges, and
the sorcerer was acquitted.
620. — Some tvne ago, as a lady, who pos-
260 JOE MILLER
sessed great personal charms, was walking along
a narrow lane, she perceived just behind her a
hawker of earthenware driving an ass with two
panniers laden with his stock in trade. To give
the animal and his master room to pass, the lad}'
suddenly started aside, which so frightened the
poor animal that he ran away, but had not pro-
ceeded far when he unfortunately fell, and a
great part of the crockery was broken to pieces.
The lady in her turn became alarmed, lest, when
she came up to the man, he should load her with
abuse, if not offer to insult her : but, to her sur-
prise, when she arrived at the spot, the man, with
great good humour, gallantry, and wit, ex-
claimed — " Never mind, madam, Balaam's ass
was frightened by an angel ! "
621. — Cxe morning a party came into the
public rooms at Buxton, somewhat later than
usual, and requested some tongue. They were
told that Lord Byron had eaten it all. " I am
very angry with his lordship," said a lady, loud
enough for him to hear the observation. " I am
sorry for it, madam," retorted Lord Byron,
;; but before I ate the tongue, I was assured you
did not want it."
622. — Me. Pitt was disputing at a cabinet
dinner on the energy and beauty of the Latin
language. In support of the superiority which
he affirmed it to have over the English, he as-
serted, that two negatives made a thing more
positive than one affirmative possibly could.
" Then," said Thurlow, " your father and
JOE MILLER 261
mother must have been two complete negatives,
to make such a positive fellow as you are."
623. — It was with as much delicacy as satire,
that Porson returned, with the manuscript of a
friend, the answer, " That it would be read, when
Llomer and Virgil were forgotten, but not till
then."
624. — Sheridan inquiring of his son what
side of politics he should espouse on his inaug-
uration to St. Stephen's chapel; the son replied,
that he intended to vote for those who offered
best, and that in consequence he should wear on
his forehead a label, " To let ; " to which the
facetious critic rejoined, " I suppose, Tom, you
mean to add, unfurnished."
625. — On Mr. H. Erskine's receiving his ap-
pointment to succeed Mr. Dundas, as justiciary
in Scotland he exclaimed that he must go and
order his silk robe. " Never mind," said Mr.
Dundas, " for the short time you will want it
you had better borrow mine ! " — " No ! " replied
Erskine, " how short a time soever I may need
it, heaven forbid that I commence my career by
adopting the abandoned habits of my prede-
cessor."
626. — Lord B who sports a ferocious
pair of whiskers, meeting Mr. O'Connel in Dub-
lin, the latter said, " When do you mean to
place your whiskers on the peace establish-
ment? " — " When you place your tongue on the
civil list? " was the witty rejoinder.
627. — A Friend made Garrick a present of
262 JOE MILLER
a case that contained a razor, a strap, and a
shaving box ; and telling him that he would find
some other pretty little things in it. " I hope,"
said Garrick, "as I cannot shave myself, that
one of them is a pretty little barber."
628. — David Garrick was once on a visit at
Mr. Rigby's seat, Mistley Hall, Essex, when Dr.
Gough formed one of the party. Observing the
potent appetite of the learned Doctor, Garrick
indulged in some coarse jests on the occasion, to
to the great amusement of the company, the Doc-
tor excepted ; who, when the laugh had subsided,
thus addressed the party : " Gentlemen, you must
doubtless suppose from the extreme familiarity
with which Mr. Garrick has thought fit to treat
me, that I am an acquaintance of his ; but I can
assure you, that, till I met him here, I never saw
him but once before, and then I paid five shil-
lings for the sight." Roscius was silent.
629. — The Late Duke of Norfoek was re-
markably fond of his bottle. On a masquerade
night, he consulted Foote as to what character
he should appear in. " Don't go disguised,"
said Foote, " but assume a new character ; go
sober "
630. — As Burke was declaiming with great
animation against Hastings, he was interrupted
by little Major Scott. " Am I," said he, indig-
nantly, " to be teazed by the barking of this
jackal, while I am attacking the royal tiger of
Bengal."
631. — There is a celebrated reply of Mr.
JOE MILLER 263
Curran to a remark of Lord Clare, who curtly
exclaimed at one of his legal positions, " O ! if
that be law, Mr. Curran, I may burn my law
books ! " — " Better read them, my lord," was
the sarcastic and appropriate rejoinder.
632. — Dean Swift, among other eccentrici-
ties, determined upon having a feast once a year,
in imitation of the Saturnalia in ancient Rome.
In this project he engaged several persons of
rank, and his plan was put in execution at the
deanery-house. When all the servants were
seated, and every gentleman placed behind his
own servant, the Dean's footman, who presided,
found fault with some meat which was not done
to his taste; and imitating his master on such
occasions, threw it at him. But the Dean was
either so mortified by the reproof, or so pro-
voked at the insult, that he flew into a violent
passion, beat the fellow, and dispersed the whole
assembly. — Thus abruptly terminated the
Dean's Saturnalia.
633. — A Gentleman, at whose house Swift
was dining in Ireland, after dinner introduced
remarkably small hock glasses, and at length
turning to Swift addressed him,- — " Mr. Dean,
I shall be happy to take a glass of hie, hsec, hoc,
with you." — " Sir, rejoined the Doctor, " I shall
be happy to comply, but it must be out of a
hujus glass."
634. — Dean Swift having preached an as-
size sermon in Ireland, was invited to dine with
the judges; and having in his sermon considered
264 JOE MILLER
the use and abuse of the law, he then pressed a
little hard upon those counsellors, who plead
causes, which they knew in their consciences to
be wrong. When dinner was over, and the glass
began to go round, a young barrister retorted
upon the dean; and after several altercations,
the counsellor asked him, " If the devil were to
die, whether a parson might not be found, who,
for money, would preach his funeral sermon ! "
— " Yes," said Swift, " I would gladly be the
man, and I would then give the devil his due, as
I have this day done his children."
635. — Swift greatly admired the talents of
the late Duke of Wharton; and hearing him,
one day, recount many of his frolics, " Ah, my
lord," said he, " you have had many frolics : but
let me recommend one more to you, Take a frolic
to be virtuous. — I assure you it will do you more
honour than all the rest."
636. — A Dispute happening to turn upon
the origin of whiggism, Dr. Johnson trium-
phantly challenged Dr. Crowe to tell him who
was the first whig; the latter finding himself a
little puzzled, Johnson tauntingly rejoined, " I
see, Sir, that you are even ignorant of the head
of your own party, but I will tell you, Sir; the
devil was the first whig ; he was the first re-
former; he wanted to set up a reform even in
heaven ! " Dr. Crowe calmly replied, " I am
much obliged to you for your information, and
I certainly did not foresee that you would go so
far back for your authority."
JOE MILLER 265
637. — Dr. Robertson observed, that John-
son's jokes were the rebukes of the righteous,
described in scripture as being like excellent oil.
" Yes," exclaimed Burke, " oil of vitriol ! "
638. — Foote being in company, and the
" Tuscan grape " producing more riot than con-
cord, he observed one gentleman so far gone in
debate as to throw the bottle at his antagonist's
head, upon which, catching the missile in his
hand, he restored the harmony of the company,
by observing that " if the bottle was passed
so quickly, not one of them would be able to
stand out the evening."
639. — When the repeal of the Test Act was
agitated in the house, a deputation from the Dis-
senters waited on Lord Thurlow to solicit his
vote, he listened to a long harangue with much
patience ; when it was finished, he rose up, and
addressed them, — " Gentlemen, you have called
on me to request my vote for the repeal of the
Test Act. Gentlemen, I shall not vote for the
repeal of the 'Test Act. I care not whether your
religion has the ascendancy, or mine, or any, or
none; but this I know, that when you were up-
permost, you kept us down, and now that we are
uppermost, with God's help, we will keep you
down."
640. — Mr. Rogers was requested by Lady
Holland to ask Sir Philip Francis, whether he
was the author of Junius. The poet approached
the knight, " Will you, Sir Bhilip, — will your
kindness excuse my addressing to you a single
266 JOE MILLER
question?" — "At your peril, Sir!" was the
harsh and the laconic answer. The intimidated
bard retreated to his friends, who eagerly asked
him the result of his application. " I don't
know," he answered, " whether he is Junius ; but,
if he be, he is certainly Junius Brutus."
641. — On the Duke of York's horse Moses
winning a match at Ascot, his royal highness ap-
peared to look very thoughtful. A spectator
asked Mr. Hunt, who happened to be present,
what he supposed the royal sportsman could
then be pondering on? " Why, you know," re-
plied Mr. H. " that the duke is a bishop, and he
is doubtless thinking of Moses and the profits."
642. — A Corsican, the leader of a gang of
banditti, who had long been famous for his ex-
ploits, was at length taken, and committed to the
care of a soldier, from whom he contrived to es-
cape. The soldier was tried, and condemned to
death. At the place of execution, a man, coming
up to the commanding officer, said — " Sir, I am
a stranger to you, but you shall soon know who
I am ; I have heard that one of your soldiers is
to die for having suffered a prisoner to escape
— he was not at all to blame — besides, the pris-
oner shall be restored to you. Behold him here,
I am the man. I cannot bear that an innocent
man should be punished for me, and I am come
to die myself." — " No," cried the French officer,
who felt as he ought the sublimity of the action,
" thou shalt not die, and the soldier shall be set
at liberty. Endeavour to reap the fruits of thy
JOE MILLER 267
generosity ; thou deservest to be henceforth an
honest man."
643. — Whiston was a pensioner of Queen
Caroline, who sometimes admitted him to the
honour of her conversation, and paid the pension
with her own hands. One day, she said to him
— " Mr. Whiston, I understand you are a free
speaker, and honestly tell people of their faults ;
no one is without faults, and I wish you would
tell me of mine ; " and she pressed him to do so.
He was still upon the reserve ; she pressed him
the more. " Well," said he, "since your ma-
jesty insists upon it, I must obey you. There
are an abundance of people who come out of the
country, every spring, to London, and they na-
turally desire to see the king and queen, and
have not any opportunity of seeing your ma-
j esties so conveniently as at the Chapel Royal ;
but these country folks, who are not used to
such things, when they see your majesty talking
with the king almost all the time of divine serv-
ice, are perfectly astonished, and depart, with
strange impressions, into their respective coun-
tries, and make their reports there (let me tell
you) not at all to your majesty's honour." —
" I am sorry for it," answered the queen ; " I
believe there may be too much truth in what you
say ; but pray, Mr. Whiston, tell me of another
fault." — " No, madam," said he, " one at a
time; let me see you mend of this before I tell
you of another."
644. — The Haughty Solyman, Emperor of
268 JOE MILLER
the Turks, in his attack on Hungary, took the
city of Belgrade, which was considered as the
bulwark of Christendom. After this important
conquest, a woman of low rank approached him,
and complained bitterly, that some of his soldiers
had carried off her cattle, in which consisted her
sole wealth. " You must then have been in a
deep sleep," said Solyman, smiling, " if you did
not hear the robbers." — " Yes, my sovereign,"
replied the woman, " I did sleep soundly, but it
was in the fullest confidence that your highness
watched for the public safety." The emperor,
who had an elevated mind, far from resenting
this freedom, made the poor woman ample
amends for the loss she had sustained.
64<5. — In a country news-room, the following
notice is written over the chimney : — " Gentle-
men learning to spell are requested to use yes-
terday's paper ! "
6^6. — About the year 1762, a colonel in com-
mand in the West-Indies, was ordered to disem-
bark his corps for the attack of one of the
islands. In stepping into a boat, he fell over-
board, and the current was carrying him rapidly
from the ship, when an honest tar jumped after
him, kept him afloat till a boat was despatched
to his assistance, and put him on board again
in safety. One of Jack's messmates, having ob-
served the colonel prt something into the hands
of his deliverer, stepped up to him and exclaimed
— " Damme, Jack, you're in luck to-day, aye ! "
and eagerly opening his hand, expected at least
JOE MILLER 269
to share in a can of grog; but, on discovering
the generous reward, a sixpence, the tar uttered
a prayer, and whispered his messmate — " Never
mind, Jack, every man knows the value of his
life best."
647. — A West-Indian, who had a remark-
ably fiery nose, sleeping in his chair, a negro-
boy, who was in waiting, observed a mosquito
hovering about his face. Quashi eyed the insect
very attentively, and at last saw him alight upon
his master's nose, and immediately fly off again.
— " Ah ! " exclaimed the negro, " me glad to see
you burn your foot."
648. — In the early period of the history of
Methodism, some of Mr. Wesley's opponents, in
the excess of their zeal against enthusiasm, took
up a whole waggon load of Methodists, and car-
ried them before a magistrate. When they were
asked, what these persons had done, there was an
awkward silence; at last, one of the . accusers
said — " Why, they pretended to be better than
other people ; and besides, they prayed from
morning till night." The magistrate asked if
they had done anything else. " Yes, Sir," said
an old man, " an't please your worship, they
convarted my wife ; till she went among them,
she had such a tongue, and now she is as quiet as
a lamb." — " Carry them back," said the magis-
trate, " and let them convert all the scolds in the
town."
649. — When Admiral Haddock was dying,
he called his son, and thus addressed him —
270 JOE MILLER
" Considering my rank in life, and public serv-
ices for so many years, I shall leave you but a
small fortune ; but, my boy, it is honestly got,
and will wear well; there are no seamen's wages
or provisions, nor one single penny of pinch- gut
money in it."
650. — Sir Andrew Agnew, a Scotch baro-
net, was famous heretofore for giving broad
hints. The nature of them will be best ascer-
tained by the following anecdote. Sir Andrew
having for some time been pestered by an impu-
dent and impertinent intruder, it was one day
remarked to the baronet, by a friend, that this
man no longer appeared in his company, and
asked how he contrived to get rid of him. " In
truth," said the baronet, " I was obliged to give
the chield a broad hint." — " A broad hint," re-
plied the friend, " I thought he was one of those
who could not take a hint." — " By my faith,
but he was forced to take it," answered Sir An-
drew, " for, as the fellow would not gang out of
the door, I threw him out of the window."
651. — A Russian Officer, named Valensky,
who had a command in the Persian expedition,
had once been beaten by the Emperor Peter's
order, mistaking him for another. " Well,"
says Peter, " I am sorry for it, but you will de-
serve it one day or other, and then remind me
that you are in arrears with me ; " which accord-
ingly happened upon that very expedition, and
he was excused.
652. — A Healthy old gentleman was once
JOE MILLER 271
asked by the king, what physician and apothe-
cary he made use of to look so well at his time of
life — " Sire," replied the gentleman, " my physi-
cian has always been a horse, and my apothecary
an ass."
653. — A Gentleman at Paris amusing him-
self in the gallery of the Palais Royal, observed,
while he was carelessly looking over some pamph-
lets at a bookseller's shop, a suspicious fellow
stand rather too near him. The gentleman was
dressed, according to the fashion of the times,
in a coat with a prodigious number of silver
tags and tassels, upon which the thief began to
have a design ; and the gentleman, not willing to
disappoint him, turned his head another way, to
give him an opportunity. The thief immedi-
ately set to work, and, in a trice, twisted off
seven or eight of the silver tags. The gentleman
perceived it; and, drawing out a penknife,
caught the fellow by the ear and cut it off close
to his head. " Murder ! murder ! " cries the
thief. " Robbery ! robbery ! " cries the gentle-
man. Upon this the thief, in a passion, throw-
ing them at the gentleman, roared — " There are
your tags and buttons."- — " Very well," says the
gentleman, throwing it back in the like manner,
" there is your ear."
654. — When Earl Spencer was a boy he
called at an inn at St. Alban's, where he had fre-
quently stopped, and observing that the land-
lord looked unusually dejected, asked him the
cause. After some hesitation, the landlord said,
n% JOE MILLER
" That affairs ran cross, his creditors were se-
vere, and he should be soon obliged to shut up
his house." — " That is a pity," said the young
nobleman ; " how much money will be required to
reinstate you? " — " Oh, your honour, a great
sum ; not less than a thousand pounds." — " And
would that sum perfectly answer the purpose? "
— " It would, Sir ; and I would honestly repay
any gentleman who would be generous enough
to advance it." Young Spencer said no more,
but ordering his horses to his carriage, posted
back to London, and going instantly to his
guardian, told him he wanted a thousand pounds.
" A thousand pounds, Sir ! " said the guardian,
" it is a large sum. May I ask to what purpose
it is to be applied? " — " No purpose of extrav-
agance upon my honour, but I will not tell you
to what use it is to be destined." The guardian
refused to advance the cash. The young gentle-
man hurried to his relations, and made his com-
plaint ; a consultation was held, and it was
at length agreed to let him have the money, with-
out demanding the mode in which he intended to
dispose of it. He carried it immediately to the
distressed landlord, whose business was con-
ducted with fresh vigour, and his inn has been
since one of the most capital in England.
655. — Lord Nelson and Mr. Pitt could
never agree. It was told Nelson, that Pitt said
— " He was the greatest fool he ever knew when
on shore." — " He speaks truth," said the hero,
" and I would soon prove him to be a fool if I
JOE MILLER 273
had him on board of ship \ nevertheless, I am as
clever an admiral as he is a statesman, which is
saying a great deal for myself." He disliked
the man, but honoured his great talents.
656. — A Sailor who had not seen the inside
of a church for some time, strolled into that of
Portlock, in Somersetshire, just as the minister
ascended the pulpit, who gave out for his text,
" Wilt thou go with me to Ramoth Gilead, to
battle? " which being twice repeated, the tar,
with some warmth, rose up, and exclaimed —
" What, do none of you answer the gentlemen ?
For my part, if nobody else will go, I'll go with
him myself, with all my heart."
657.— About the time when Murphy so suc-
cessfully attacked the stage-struck heroes in the
pleasant farce of " The Apprentice," an eminent
poulterer went to a spouting-club in search of
his servant, who, he understood, was that evening
to make his debut in Lear, and entered the room
at the moment he was exclaiming — " I am the
king; you* cannot touch me for coining." —
" No, you dog," cried the enraged master, catch-
ing the mad monarch by his collar, " but I can
for not picking the ducks."
658. — Lord Melville told a pleasant
story, rather at his own* expense, at a cabinet
dinner. Some time ago he sent for Townsend,
the Bow-street officer, who, from the line marked
out by his lordship, then secretary of state, made
a useful and singular discovery. Townsend,
surprised at the sagacity of the right honour-
874 JOE MILLER
able gentleman, could not abstain from express-
ing his admiration, by assuring him. that, with
" a very little instruction, he would, in a fort-
night, make the best thief-taker in the king-
dom."
659. — Reynolds, the dramatist, observing
to Martin the thinness of the house at one of his
own plays, added — " He supposed it was owing
to the mar" — " No." replied the latter, ** it is
owing to the piece."
660. —A Physician being sent for, by a
maker of universal specifics, expressed his sur-
prise at being called in on an occasion appar-
ently trifling. " Xot so trifling neither." re-
plied the quack. M for. to tell you the truth. I
have taken some of my own pills."
661. — Philip, king of Macedon, having
drunk too much wine, happened to determine a
cause unjustly, to the prejudice of a poor widow,
who. when she heard his decree, boldly cried out
- — " I appeal to Philip sober." The king, struck
with the peculiarity of the event, recovered his
senses, heard the cause afresh, and. rinding his
mistake, ordered her to be paid, out of his own
purse, double the sum she was to have lost. This
is an example worthy imitation.
662. — The Neapolitans in general hold
drunkenness in very great abhorrence. — A story
is told there of a nobleman, who. having mur-
dered another in a fit of jealousy, was condemned
to suffer death. His life was offered to him on
the ^ole condition of saving, that when he com-
JOE MILLER 275
mitted the deed he was intoxicated. He received
the offer with disdain, and exclaimed — " I would
rather suffer a thousand deaths, than bring eter-
nal disgrace on my family, by confessing the
disgraceful crime of intoxication." He per-
sisted, and was executed.
663. — Ax Officer of one of the shipe at
Spithead, having occasion to send to his country-
house in great haste a few days since, despatched
a sailor on horseback with a letter, who, after de-
livering it, and being refreshed, and the horse
fed, went to the stable to prepare for his return.
A bye-stander observed to him, " that he was
putting on the saddle the hind part before."
The sailor replied—" How do you know which
way I am going to ride? "
664. — Louis XL, when young, used to visit
a peasant, whose garden produced excellent
fruit. Soon after he ascended the throne, this
peasant waited on him with his little present, a
turnip, the produce of his own garden, of an
extraordinary size. The king, smiling, remem-
bered the hours of pleasure he had passed with
him, and ordered a thousand crowns to be given
to him. The lord of the village hearing of this
liberality, thought within himself — " If this pea-
sant gets a thousand crowns for a turnip, I have
only to present his majesty with a handsome
horse, and my fortune is made." Arriving at
court, he requested the king's acceptance of one.
Louis highly praised the steed, and the donor's
expectations were raised to the utmost, when the
276 JOE MILLER
king exclaimed — " Bring me mj turnip ! " and
added, as he presented it to the nobleman,
" There, this cost me a thousand crowns, I give
it to you in return for your horse."
665. — When Lord Sandwich was to present
Admiral Campbell, he told him, that probably,
the king would knight him. The admiral did
not much relish the honour. " Well, but," said
Lord S., " perhaps Mrs. Campbell will like it."
— " Then let the king knight her," answered the
rough seaman.
666. — Henry III. of France could not bear
to be alone in a chamber where there was a cat.
The brave Due d'Epernon fell into a swoon at
the sight of a rabbit. The Mareschal Albert was
always taken ill upon the bringing of a pig to
the table. Ladislaus, king of Poland, began to
run as often as he perceived an apple. Erasmus
could not smell fish without becoming feverish.
Scaliger was seized with a tremor at the sight of
water-cresses. Tycho Brahe could scarcely sup-
port himself on his legs if a hare or fox hap-
pened to start up where he was. Every eclipse
of the moon threw the Chancellor Bacon into a
fainting fit. Boyle was seized with an ecstacy at
the sound of water running from a pipe. La
Mothe le Vayer could not endure the notes of any
musical instrument, but felt the most lively pleas-
ure whenever it thundered. An Englishman
fainted away as often as he heard the fifty-third
chapter of Isaiah.
667. — Sir Peter Leey, a famous painter, in
JOE MILLER 211
the reign of Charles I., agreed for the price of
a full-length, which he was to draw for a rich
alderman of London, who was not indebted to
nature either for shape or face. When the pic-
ture was finished, the alderman endeavoured to
beat down the price ; alleging, that if he did not
purchase it, it would lay on the painter's hands.
" That's your mistake," replied Sir Peter, " for
I can sell it at double the price I demand." —
" How can that be? " says the alderman; " for
it is like nobody but myself." — " But I will draw
a tail to it, and then it will be an excellent mon-
key." Mr. Alderman, to prevent exposure, paid
the sum agreed for, and carried off the picture.
668. — A Quaker, a few years ago, having
been cited as an evidence at a Quarter Sessions,
one of the magistrates, who had been a black-
smith, desired to know why he would not take off
his hat. " It is a privilege," said the witness,
" that the laws and liberalities of my country in-
dulge people of our religious mode of thinking
in." — " If I had it in my power," said the jus-
tice, " I would have your hat nailed to your
head." — " I thought," said Obadiah, " that thou
had'st given over the trade of driving nails."
669. — Charles V., in his intervals of relaxa-
tion, used to retire to Brussels ; he was curious to
know the sentiments of his meanest subjects con-
cerning himself, and his administration ; there-
fore often went out incog., and mixed himself
in such companies and conversation as he
278 JOE MILLER
thought proper. One night his boot requiring
immediate mending, he was directed to a cobbler.
Unluckily it happened to be on St. Crispin's
holiday ; and instead of finding the cobbler in-
clined to work, he was in the height of his jollity
among his acquaintance : the emperor acquainted
him with what he wanted, and offered a hand-
some gratuity. " What, friend," says the fel-
low, " do you not know better than to ask any
of our craft to work on St. Crispin? Was it
Charles V. himself, I'd not do a stitch for him
now ; but if you'll come in, and drink St. Cris-
pin, do and welcome ; we are as merry as the
emperor can be." The sovereign accepted his
offer ; but while he was contemplating on their
rude pleasure, instead of joining in it, the jovial
host thus accosted him — " What, I suppose you
are some Courtier Politician, or other, by that
contemplative phiz, nay by your long nose, you
may be a bastard of the emperor's — but be who,
or what, you will, you're heartily welcome —
drink about; here's Charles the Fifth's health."
— " Then you love Charles the Fifth," replied
the emperor. " Love him ! " says the son of
Crispin ; " aye, aye, I love his long noseship well
enough ; but I should love him much more, would
he but tax us a little less ; but, what the devil
have we to do with politics? Round with the
glass, and merry be our hearts." After a short
stay, the emperor took his leave, and thanked
the cobbler for his hospitable reception.
"That," cried he, "you're welcome to; but I
JOE MILLER 279
would not to-day have dishonoured St. Crispin
to have worked for the emperor."
Charles, pleased with the honest good nature
and humour of the fellow, sent for him next
morning to court. You must imagine his sur
prise, to see and hear that his late guest war;
his sovereign ! He feared his j oke on his long
nose must be punished with death. The emperor
thanked him for his hospitality, and as a reward
for it, bid him ask for what he most desired,
and take the whole night to settle his sur-
prise and his ambition. Next day he appeared,
and requested, that for the future, the cobblers
of Flanders might bear for their arms a boot
with the crown upon it. That request was
granted ; and, so moderate was his ambition, the
emperor bid him make another. " If," says he,
" I am to have my utmost wishes, command that,
for the future, the company of cobblers shall
take place of the company of shoe-makers." It
was accordingly so ordained, and, to this day,
there is to be seen a chapel in Flanders adorned
around with a boot, and an Imperial crown on
it ; and, in all processions, the company of cob-
blers take place before the company of shoe-
makers.
670. — Daniel Purcele, the famous punster,
was desired one night in company to make a pun
extempore. " Upon what subject? " said Dan-
iel. — " The king," answered the other. — " Oh,
Sir," said he, " the king is no subject."
671. — A Father, exhorting his son to early
280 JOE MILLER
rising, related a story of a person who, early one
morning, found a large purse of money.
" Well," replied the youth, " but the person who
lost it rose earlier."
672. — Some Sailors, who had made a great
deal of prize-money, lately determined on pur-
chasing a horse for the use of the mess; accord-
ingly, one of them was pitched upon to buy the
horse. As soon as this honest tar got on shore,
he went to a noted horse-dealer, who brought
out a very clever-looking horse for the sailor's
inspection, which he particularly recommended
to him, as being a nice short-backed horse.
" Aye, that may be," said the sailor, " and that's
the very reason he won't do, for there's seven
of us."
673. — A Corpulent Baronet, who piques
himself upon his agility, exclaimed the other
day, in the tone of exultation, to a witty friend
— " It is strange, Tom, that I should be so un-
commonly active, is it not ? " — " It only proves,"
answered the wit drily, " that two opposite qual-
ities are combined, the form of the bear, with
the alertness of the monkey."
674. — A Cornish Clergyman, having a dis-
pute concerning several shares in different mines,
found it necessary to send for a London limb of
the law, to have some conversation with the wit-
nesses, examine the title-deeds, view the prem-
ises, &c. The divine very soon found that his
legal assistant was as great a rogue as ever was
struck off the rolls. However, as he thought
JOE MILLER 281
his knowledge might be useful, he showed him
his papers, took him to compare his surveyor's
drawings with the situation of the pits, &c.
When, in one of these excursions, the profes-
sional gentleman was descending a deep shaft,
by means of a rope which he held tight in his
hand, he called out to the parson, who stood at
the top, " Doctor, as you have not confined your
studies to geography, but know all things from
the surface to the center, pray, how far is it from
this pit to that in the infernal regions? " — " I
cannot exactly ascertain the distance," replied
the divine, " but let go your hold, and you'll
be there in a minute."
675. — A Few Years ago were seated in a
stage-coach a clergyman, a lawyer, and a respec-
table-looking elderly person. The lawyer,
wishing to quiz the clergyman, began to descant
pretty fully on the admission of many ill-quali-
fied persons into the church. " As a proof,"
says he, " what pretty parsons we have, I once
heard one read, instead of — ' And Aaron made
an atonement for the sins of the people ' —
' And Aaron made an ointment for the shins of
the people.' " — " Incredible," exclaimed the
clergyman. — " Oh," replied the lawyer, " I dare
say this gentleman will be able to inform us of
something similar." — " That I can," said the old
gentleman, while the face of the lawyer bright-
ened in triumph — " for I once was present in a
country church where the clergyman, instead of
— ' The devil was a liar from the beginning,'
282 JOE MILLER
actually read — ' The devil was a lawyer from
the beginning.' "
676. — A Gentleman long famous for the
aptitude of his puns, observing a violent fracas
in the front of a gin-shop, facetiously termed it,
" The battle of A- gin-court."
677. — A Chimney-Sweeper, of very small
stature, brought a Mrs. MTntire to Bow-street,
a short time since, and charged her with uttering
a gross and scandalous libel against him in Old
Round Court, by calling him a bishop. The
sweep said to the magistrate — " I wants to know
why this here woman should call me a bishop ; I
gets my living honestly as a sweep, and keeps a
vif e and five children ; and though I bees always
called a clergyman, and belonging to the cloth,
and that there kind of thing, I assure your
honour, I be no bishop." The magistrate said it
was quite certain he was no bishop, and Mr. Har-
ris, the sweep, concluded by saying — " It was
hard that he, nor any one of his business, could
not walk the streets, without being called a
bishop." The woman was committed.
678. — " In one of my visits, very early in
life, to that venerable master, Dr. Pepusch,"
says Dr. Burney, " he gave me a short lesson,
which made so deep an impression that I long
endeavoured to practice it — ' When I was a
young man,' said he, ' I determined never to go
to bed at night, till I knew something that I did
not know in the morning.' "
679. — A Dispute having long subsisted in a
JOE- MILLER 283
gentleman's Tamil}' between the maid and the
coachman, about fetching the cream for break-
fast, the gentleman one morning called them
both before him, that he might hear what they
had to say, and decide accordingly. The maid
pleaded, that the coachman was lounging about
the kitchen, the best part of the morning, yet he
was so ill natured, he would not fetch the cream
for her ; notwithstanding he saw she had so much
to do, that she had not a moment to spare. The
coachman alleged, it was out of his business.
" Very well," said the master, " but pray what
do you call your business? " — " To take care of
the horses, and clean and drive the coach," re-
plied Jehu. " You say right," answered the
master, " and I do not expect you to do more
than I hired you for; but this I insist on, that
every morning, before breakfast, you get the
coach ready, and drive the maid to the farmer's
for milk; and I hope you will allow that to be
part of your business."
680. — Mb. Curran one day inquiring his
master's age from a horse jockey's servant, he
found it almost impossible to extract an answer.
" Come, come, friend, has he not lost his teeth? "
— " Do you think," returned the fellow, " that
I know his age, as he does his horse's, by the
mark of his mouth? " The laugh was against
Curran, but he instantly recovered. " You were
very right not to try, friend ; for you know your
master's a great bite.'"
681. — An Irishman asked an itinerant poult-
284 JOE MILLER
erer the price of a pair of fowls. " Six shillings,
Sir." — " In my dear country, my darling, you
might buy them for sixpence a pace." — " Why
don't you remain in your dear country, then? "
— " Case we have no sixpences, my jewel," said
Pat.
682. — A Notorious Miser having heard a
very eloquent charity sermon, exclaimed — " This
sermon strongly proves the necessity of alms.
I have almost a mind to turn beggar."
683. — A Naval Officer, relating his feats
to a marshal, said — " That, in a sea-fight, he
had killed 300 men with his own hand." — " And
I," said the marshal, " descended through a
chimney, in Switzerland, to visit a pretty girl."
- — " How could that be," said the captain,
" since here are no chimneys in that country."
— " What, Sir," said the marshal, " I have al-
lowed you to kill 300 men in a fight, and surely
you may permit me to descend a chimney in
Switzerland."
684.— Mr. Sterne, the whimsical author of
Tristram Shandy, was married to Mrs. Sterne
on a Saturday morning. The parishioners had
timely information of the circumstance, and
knowing he would preach next morning at his
parish church, and desirous at the same time of
seeing the bride, they assembled in such crowds,
that the church was full before the bell had done
tolling. The bride made her appearance, and
the country folks indulged themselves with the
usual observations, till Sterne mounted the pul-
JOE MILLER 285
pit ; here every eye was directed to him, and
every ear ready to catch the words of his text
which turned out to their astonishment as fol-
lows- — ■" We have toiled all night, and have
caught nothing." The congregation looked at
each other; some smiled; others stopped their
mouths with their handkerchiefs, to prevent them
from laughing, while the old folks wore serious
faces, and thought the humourist a very odd sort
of a man for a parson. They attended, however,
to his discourse, which turned out, as usual, very
instructive, and all went home highly delighted
with the text, but poor Mrs. Sterne, who blushed
down to her fingers' ends every step of the way
to the house.
685. — A Certain Quaker (very rich and
very obstinate), constantly rode every morning
to a village not far from town, and, as a proof
of his humility, made it a rule never to turn out
of his track for any one. A young buck under-
took, for a wager, to make friend Aminadab, for
once, at least, give way, without using any force
or violence. At the proper time ( for the Quaker
was as regular as the clock,) the young fellow
set out on horseback, and soon seeing the Quaker
at a distance, rode on, till his horse's nose
touched that of the Quaker's ; when both stopped
and sat some time looking at each other. At
length the buck, with great composure, taking
out a pipe, filled, and lighted it, by the help of
a pistol thider-box ; then leaning on his elbow on
the pummel of his saddle, smoked it out very
286 JOE MILLER
deliberately, looking very steadfastly all the
while in the Quaker's face. His pipe out, he be-
gan to recharge, which the Quaker seeing, im-
mediately turned his horse's head, saying as he
passed his opponent, " Friend, thou beest a very
obstinate fellow."
686. — Sheridan was dining with Lord Thur-
low, when he produced some admirable Con-
stantia, which had been sent him from the Cape
of Good Hope. The wine tickled the palate of
Sheridan, who saw the bottle emptied with un-
common regret, and set his wits to work to get
another. The old Chancellor was not to be so
easily induced to produce his curious Cape in
such profusion, and foiled all Sheridan's at-
tempts to get another glass. — Sheridan being
piqued, and seeing the inutility of persecuting
the immovable pillar of the law, turned towards
a gentleman sitting farther down, and said,
" Sir, pass me up that decanter, for I must re-
turn to Madeira since I cannot double the Cape."
687. — Sheridan made his appearance one
day in a pair of new boots — these attracting the
notice of some of his friends, " Now guess," said
he, " how I came by these boots ? " many prob-
able guesses then took place — " No ! " said
Sheridan, " no, you've not hit it, nor ever will
— I bought them, and paid for them ! "
688. — A Rich Member of the Lower House,
but exceedingly penurious, having one day des-
canted for half an hour, at the Cocoa Tree, on
the excellent quality and cheapness of a waist-
JOE MILLER 287
coat, which, after much bating, he had just
bought at a tailor's shop in the Strand, and
which he was exhibiting in triumph to the gentle-
men present, concluded by praising the high
perfection of the Manchester manufacturers, and
saying, " Can any thing be more reasonable?
Can any one conceive how they let me have it so
cheap?" — "Very easily," replied Sheridan,
raising his hear from a newspaper, and heartily
tired of being bored by such a subject: "they
took you for one of the trade, and sold it to you
wholesale."
689. — An Attorney one day meeting Sheri-
dan walking with another gentleman in Picca-
dilly, told him he had just been apprenticing his
second daughter, a very beautiful girl, to a fash-
ionable dress-maker in Bond-street; at the same
time asking his opinion of this family arrange-
ment. " Depend upon it, Sir," said Sheridan,
" that she is in as fair a way of being ruined, as
a boy is to become a rogue, when he is first put
clerk to a lawyer ! "
690. — Sheridan was very desirous that his
son Tom should marry a young woman of large
fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won
his son's heart. One day, he requested Tom to
walk with him, and soon entered on the subject
of his marriage, and pointed out to him in glow-
ing colours the advantages of so brilliant an alli-
ance. Tom listened with the utmost patience,
and then descanted on the perfections of the wo-
man who proved the bride and solace of his de-
288 JOE MILLER
dining years. Sheridan grew warm, and expa-
tiating on the folly of his son, at length ex-
claimed- — " Tom, if you marry Caroline Callan-
der, I'll cut you off with a shilling ! " Tom
could not resist the opportunity of replying, and
looking archly at his father, said, " Then, Sir,
you must borrow it." Sheridan was tickled at
the wit, and dropped the subject.
691. — Sheridan was endeavouring to compli-
ment (vulgo, to gammon) a city tailor out of a
new suit of clothes, and promising him half a
dozen similar orders every year. " You are an
excellent cut, my friend," said Sheridan, " and
you beat our snips of the West-end, hollow.
Why don't you push your thimble amongst us?
I'll recommend you every where ; upon my hon-
our, your work gives you infinite credit." —
" Yes," replied Twist, " I always take care that
my work gives long credit; but the wearers
ready money."
692. — In a large party, one evening, the con-
versation turned upon young men's allowance at
college. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill judg-
ing parsimony of many parents, in that respect.
" I am sure, Tom," said the father, " you need
not complain; I always allowed you eight hun-
dred a year." — " Yes, father, I must confess you
allowed it; but then it was never paid."
693. — When Dr. Parr's preface to Bellen-
denus was the theme of general admiration,
Home Tooke said of it, rather contemptuously,
" It consists of mere scraps ; " alluding to the
JOE MILLER 289
frequent use of the Ciceronian language. This
sarcasm was mentioned to Parr, who afterwards
meeting Tooke, said to him, — " So, Mr. Tooke,
you think my Preface mere scraps? " — " True,"
replied Tooke, with inimitable readiness, " but
you know, my dear Doctor, scraps are often tit-
bits."
694. — During the Rage of republican prin-
ciples in England, and whilst the Corresponding
Society was in full vigour, Mr. Selwyn hap-
pened one May-day to meet a troop of chimney-
sweepers, dressed out in all their gaudy trap-
pings ; and observed to Mr. Fox, who was walk-
ing with him, " I say, Charles, I have often heard
you and others talk of the majesty of the people ;
but I never saw any of the young princes and
princesses till now."
695. — Returning in haste from France in
the winter season, on hearing a report of a prob-
able change in the ministry, by which he was
more than likely to lose his place, Selwyn ap-
peared in the drawing-room at St. James's the
next court-day in a light coloured velvet dress.
The king taking notice of this, George replied,
— " Yes, Sire, it is rather a cool habiliment ; but
notwithstanding, I do assure your Majesty, that
I have been in a violent sweat ever since my ar-
rival in England."
696. — A Learned Irish Judge, among other
peculiarities, has a habit of begging pardon on
every occasion. On his circuit, a short time
since, his favourite expression was employed in
290 JOE MILLER
a singular manner. At the close of the assize,
as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of
the court reminded him that he had not passed
sentence on one of the criminals, as he had in-
tended — " Dear me ! " said his lordship, " I
really beg his pardon — bring him in."
697. — Dr. Parr and Lord Erskine are said
to have been the vainest men of their time. At
dinner, some years since, Dr. Parr, in ecstasy
with the conversational powers of Lord E.,
called out to him, " My lord, I mean to write
your epitaph." — " Dr. Parr," replied the noble
lawyer, " it is a temptation to commit suicide."
698. — Gibbon the historian, notwithstanding
his shortness and rotundity, was very gallant.
One day being alone with Madame de Cronzas,
Gibbon wished to seize the favourable moment,
and suddenly dropping on his knees, he declared
his love in the most passionate terms. Madame
de Cronzas replied in a tone to prevent the repe-
tition of such a scene. Gibbon was thunder-
struck, but still remained on his knees, though
frequently desired to get up and resume his seat.
" Sir," said Madame de Cronzas, " will you have
the goodness to rise?" — "Alas, madam," re-
plied the unhappy lover* " I cannot." His size
prevented him from rising without assistance;
upon this Madame de Cronzas rang the bell, say-
ing to the servant, " Lift up Mr. Gibbon."
699. — " Souvre," said Louis XV. to the com-
mander of that name, " you are getting old ;
where do you wish to be interred?" — "At the
JOE MILLER 291
foot of your majesty, sire," replied Souvre.
This answer disconcerted the monarch, who re-
mained for some time deeply immersed in
thought.
700. — These were two very fat noblemen at
the court of Louis XV., the Duke de L and
the Duke de N . They were both one day at
the levee, when the king began to rally the for-
mer on his corpulence. " You take no exercise, I
suppose," said the king. — " Pardon me, sire,"
said de L , " I walk twice a day round my
coucin de N ."
701. — A Lady was listening to the late Lord
Erskine's account of the people of the North
Pole, and when he mentioned that the natives
clothe themselves in the skins of the seals, and
eat their flesh, " What ! live upon seals ? " ex-
claimed the lady, with a look of horror. — " Yes,
madam," answered Lord Erskine, " and very
good living too, if one could but keep them."
702. — Pope Pius VII. having come to Paris
to crown, or rather to pronounce- the apostolic
benediction on the coronation of Napoleon, De-
non was deputed to shew his holiness over the
mint, the museum, and the imperial printing-
offices. In his presence the Lord's prayer in 150
languages and dialects was printed and pre-
sented to him. The Pope expressed his admira-
tion, and turning to Denon said, " But thou hast
not given me thy work." — " Your holiness, I
should never have presumed to offer it to you,
for you recollect you excommunicated me for
292 JOE MILLER
having attempted to prove in it, that the world
was more than six thousand years old." —
" Psha ! thou didst thy duty, and I did mine ;
give me the book at any rate."
703. — The Celebrated Actor, John Palm-
er, whose father was a bill-sticker, and who had
occasionally followed the same humble occupa-
tion himself, being one evening strutting in the
green-room in a pair of glittering buckles, a by-
stander remarked that they really resembled
diamonds. " Sir," said Palmer, with some
warmth, " I would have you know I never wear
any thing but diamonds ! " — " I ask your par-
don," replied the other. " I remember the time
when you were nothing but 'paste." The laugh
was much heightened by Bannister exclaiming,
" Jack, why don't you stick him against the
wall? "
704. — An Avaricious Fenman, who kept a
very scanty table, dining one Saturday with his
son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in
his ear, " Tom, you must eat for to-day and to-
morrow." — " O yes," retorted the half-starved
lad, " but I ha'n't eaten for yesterday and to-
day yet, father."
705. — Lady Beaueieu was complaining of
being waked by a noise in the night ; my lord re-
plied, " Oh, for my part, there is no disturbing
me; if they don't wake me before I go to sleep,
there is no waking me afterwards."
706.— When Henry, Duke of Norfolk (the
only Protestant of the family before the late
JOE MILLER 293
duke), was attending James II. in his duty as
Earl Marshal, to the Popish Chapel of the Court,
he stopped short at the door, and, making his
bow to the king, suffered him to pass on without
accompanying him. The king was piqued, and
turning round, observed, " My lord, your father
would have gone farther." The duke made a
lower bow than before, and replied, " Your ma-
jesty's father would not have gone as far."
707. — " A Lady once asked me," says Cole-
ridge, " if I believed in ghosts and apparitions."
I answered with truth and simplicity, " No, ma-
dam, I have seen far too many myself."
708. — A School-boy going into the village
without leave, one of his masters called after him,
"Where are you going, Sir?" — "I am going
to buy a halfp'-worth of nails, Sir." — " What
do you want a halfp'-worth of nails for? " —
" For a halfpenny, Sir," replied the urchin.
709. — At a Tea-party, where some Cantabs
happened to be present, after the dish had been
handed round, the lady who was presiding over
the tea equipage " hoped the tea was good." —
" Very good, indeed, madam," was the general
reply, till it came to the turn of one of the Can-
tabs to speak, who, between truth and politeness,
shrewdly observed, " That the tea was excellent,
but the water was smoky."
710. — Two Oxonians dining together, one of
them noticing a spot of grease on the neckcloth
of his companion, said, " I see you are a Gre-
cian" — " Pooh ! " said the other, " that's far-
294 JOE MILLER
fetched." — " No, indeed," says the punster, " I
made it on the spot."
711. — A Young Woman meeting her former
fellow-servant, was asked how she liked her
place. " Very well." — " Then you have nothing
to complain of? " — " Nothing; only master and
misses talk such very bad grammar."
712. — A Noble Lord, who was aid-de-camp
to the Duke of Wellington, visited the duke early
on the morning of the battle of Salamanca, and
perceiving him lying on a very small camp bed-
stead, observed that his grace " had not room to
turn himself." The duke immediately replied,
" When you have lived as long as I have, you
will know that when a man thinks of turning in
his bed, it is time he should turn out of it."
713. — Shortly after the commencement of
the last war, a tax was laid on candles, which, as
a political economist would prove, made them
dearer. A Scotch wife, in Greenock, remarked
to her chandler, Paddy MacBeth, that the price
was raised, and asked why. " It's a' owin' to
the war," said Paddy. " The war ! " said the
astonished matron, " Gracious me ! are they gaun
to fight by candle licht? "
714. — Dr. Parr, who, it is well known, was
not very partial to the " thea linensis," although
lauded so warmly by a French writer as " nostris
gratissima musis" being invited to take tea by
a lady, with true classic wit and refined gal-
lantry? uttered the following delicate "compli-
ment : " Non possum te-cum vivere, nee sine te! "
JOE MILLER 295
715. — A Chancery Barrister having been
for a long while annoyed by an irritable ulcer
on one of his legs, called upon Mr. Abcrnethy
for the purpose of obtaining that gentleman's
advice. The counsellor judging of an ulcer as
of a brief, that it must be seen before its nature
could be understood, was busily employed in re-
moving his stocking and bandages, when Mr.
Abcrnethy abruptly advanced towards him, and
exclaimed in a stentorian voice, " Hallo ! what
are you about there ! put out your tongue, man !
Aye, there 'tis, I see it — I'm satisfied — quite
enough — shut up your leg, man — shut it up —
shut it up. Here, take one of these pills every
night on going to bed." The lawyer put the
box of pills into his pocket, handed over the fee,
and was about to leave the room, when Mr. A.
thus accosted him : " Why, look here, this is
but a shilling ! " The barrister sarcastically re-
plied : " Aye, there 'tis ! I see it — I'm satis-
fied ! quite enough, man ! shut it up — shut it
up ! " and hastily quitted the room.
71 (j — An Irishman, who served on board a
man-of-war in the capacity of a waister, was
selected by one of the officers to haul in a tow-
line, of considerable length, that was towing
over the taffrail. "After rowsing-in forty or
fifty fathoms, which had put his patience se-
verely to proof, as well as every muscle of his
arms, he muttered to himself, " By my soul, it's
as long as to-day and to-morrow ! — It's a good
week's work for any five in the ship ! — Bad luck
296 JOE MILLER
to the arm or leg, it'll lave me at last ! — What !
more of it yet! — Och, murder; the sa's mighty
deep, to be sure ! " — When, after continuing in
a similar strain, and conceiving there was little
probability of the completion of his labour, he
stopped suddenly short, and addressing the
officer of the watch, exclaimed, " Bad manners to
me, Sir, if I don't think somebody's cut off the
other end of it! "
717. — Rose, private secretary to Louis XIV.,
having married his daughter to M. Portail,
president of the parliament, was constantly re-
ceiving from his son-in-law, complaints of his
daughter's ill-temper. To one of these he at
length answered, that he was fully convinced of
her misconduct, and was resolved to punish it ;
in short, that if he heard any more of it, he would
disinherit her. He heard no more.
718. — " Does your husband expectorate? "
said an apothecary to a poor Irish woman who
had long visited his shop for her sick husband —
" Expect to ate, yer honour — no sure, and
Paddy does not expect to ate — he's nothing at
all to ate ! " The humane man sent a large
basin of mixture from a tureen of soup then
smoking on his table. %
719. — When George Bidder, the calculat-
ing phenomenon, was a very little boy, he made
the tour of England with his father, displaying
everywhere his astonishing power of combining
and resolving numbers. Among several very in-
genious and difficult questions prepared pur-
JOE MILLER 297
posely for him, an ignorant pedagogue asked
(without furnishing any data), "How many
cow's tails would reach to the moon." The boy,
turning upon the inquirer an eye of considerable
archness, answered instantly, " One, if it were
long enough."
720.— By Statute 6th, George II. c. 37., it
was felony without benefit of clergy to destroy
an ash. Dr. Ash, a great wit, and friend of
Swift, was once wet through with the rain, and
upon going into an inn, asked the waiter to strip
off his coat for him; upon which the waiter
started, and said he dare not, for it was felony to
strip an Ash. Dr. Ash used to say he would have
given 50Z. to have been the author of that pun.
721. — A Judge and Counsellor being
upon indifferent terms, a client of the counsel's
making his appearance at the bar with his jaw r
terribly swelled, the judge remarked, " Mr.
, this client of yours would make an excel-
lent counsellor, he's all jaw ; " which set the court
in a roar of laughter against the counsellor. On
silence being obtained, the counsel remarked,
" My lord, I think he would make a better judge,
for his jaw is all one side." The retort turned
the laugh against the judge, and from that day
they were on the best terms of friendship.
722. — A Barber, w r ho was a great talker,
said to a person on whom he was about to op-
erate, " How do you choose that I should shave
you, Sir? " — " Without opening your lips," re-
plied the customer.
298 JOE MILLER
723. — A Lady who went to consult Mr. Aber-
nethy, began describing her complaint, which
was what he very much disliked. Among othei
things, she said, " Whenever I lift my arm, it
pains me exceedingly." — " Why then, madam,"
answered Mr. A., " you are a great fool for
doing so."
724. — A Lady, who had received a severe bite
in her arm from a dog, went to Mr. Abernethy,
but knowing his aversion to hearing any state-
ment of particulars, she merely uncovered the
injured part, and held it before him in silence.
After looking at it an instant, he said in an in-
quiring tone, " Scratch? " — " Bite," replied the
lady.—" Cat? " asked the doctor.—" Dog," re-
joined the patient. So delighted was Mr. A.
with the brevity and promptness of her answers,
that he exclaimed, " Zounds, madam, you are the
most sensible woman I ever met with in my life."
725. — At the siege of Gironne, a cannon ball
passed very near the Duke de Noailles, who was
inspecting a battery. " Do you hear that
music ! " said he to Rigolo, who commanded the
artillery. — " I care nothing about the balls
which come," replied Rigolo, " my business is
with those that go."
726. — It is related of Mr. Cheselden, well
known as having been surgeon to the Queen of
George II. that going into an obscure country
town, he found a blacksmith, who, with the best
intentions and the utmost confidence was in the
habit of performing the operation for removing
JOE MILLER 299
the cataract; pleased with his talents, he com-
municated some instructions, and at a future
time, inquiring what had been his success, the
man replied : " Ah, Sir ! you spoilt my trade,
for after you explained to me what I had been
doing, I never dared to try again."
727. — " Nothing can daunt the heart of a
genuine Irishman," said an Emeralder, the other
day, over his glass. — " Why, I have seen you
yourself run away in a street row, Dennis," re-
joined an Englishman who was present. — " Ah,
ah," cried Dennis, " but it was not out of fear
that I did it."— "How, then?"— " Oh! sure,
jist to ka-pe myself out of harm's way, that's
all."
728. — Mr. Carus Wilson, whose great
height renders him very remarkable in the streets
of London, was met in Fleet street, during a
frost, by a gentleman nearly as tall as himself.
Struck with the appearance of each other, they
entered into conversation, and were speaking,
when interrupted by a" ragged urchin from the
sister Isle. This genuine child of Erin, looking
up to the giants, archly bawled out, " Your
honours, will you be so good as to tell me if 'tis
could up there" "
729.— "What is Eternity? "—The follow-
ing beautiful answer, by a pupil of the Deaf and
Dumb School at Paris, contains a sublimity of
conception scarcely to be equalled : — " The life-
time of the Almighty."
730. — An Attorney, who was much molested
300 JOE MILLER
by a fellow importuning him to bestow some-
thing, threatened to have him taken up as a com-
mon beggar. " A beggar ! " exclaimed the man,
" I would have you know that I am of the same
profession as yourself: are we not both solici-
tors? " — " That may be, friend, yet there is this
difference — you are not a legal one, which I am"
731. — In a small party the subject turning
on matrimony, a lady said to her sister, " I won-
der, my dear, you have never made a match; I
think you want the brimstone ; " — she replied,
" No, not the brimstone, only the spark."
732. — During the late panic, a person pre-
sented about 30Z. of the notes of one of the
country banks, for which he received payment:
he was then asked whether he was aware that he
had the sum of 150L in their hands? He re-
plied " Yes ! but that was of no consequence, he
should not lose that, as it was at interest."
733. — At a late Parliamentary dinner, Mr.
Plunkett was asked if Mr. Hume did not annoy
him by his broad speeches. " No," replied he,
" it is the length of the speeches, not their
breadth, that we complain of in the House."
734. — Ox a remarkably hot summer's day, an
Irishman, thinly and openly dressed, sitting
down in a violent perspiration, was cautioned
against " catching cold." " Catch it," said he,
wiping his face, " where? I wish I could catch
it."
735. — A Coachman, extolling the sagacity
of one of his horses, observed, that " if anybody
JOE MILLER 301
was to go for to use him ill, he would bear malice
like a Christian."
736. — In the war with France, in 1782, an
English officer being sent to Martinico, in a car-
tel, was introduced to the French admiral, the
Compte de Grasse, on board his vessel, the Ville
de Paris. In the course of conversation the
latter charged the officer with his compliments
to Admiral (then Sir George) Rodney, and that
he would be off Dominica on the 9th of April,
when he would be glad to see him. On the 12th
the important action took place, in which the
admiral, with seven vessels, was taken. The
same officer happening to be on deck when the
Count surrendered his sword, accosted him with
great politeness — " I am very happy to see you,
Monsieur le Compte," said he, " and cannot but
esteem you a gentleman of the utmost punc-
tuality."
737. — The Late Boxnel Thornton, like
most wits, was a lover of conviviality, which
frequently led him to spend the whole night in
company, and all the next morning in bed. On
one of these occasions, an old female relation,
having waited on him before he had arisen,
began to read him a familiar lecture on pru-
dence ; which she concluded by saying, " Ah !
Bonnel, Bonnel ! I see plainly that you'll shorten
your days." — " Very true, Madam," replied he,
" but by the same rule, you must admit that I
shall lengthen my nights."
738. — Louis XIV., who loved a concise style,
302 JOE MILLER
met on the road, as he was travelling into the
country, a priest, who was riding post; and, or-
dering him to stop, asked hastily, " Whence come
you? Where are you going? What do you
want? " The other, who perfectly well knew
the king's disposition, instantly replied, " From
Bruges. To Paris. A benefice." — " You shall
have it," replied the king; and in a few days
presented him to a valuable living.
739. — On a Trial at the Admiralty sessions,
for shooting a seaman, the counsel for the crown
asking one of the witnesses which he was for,
plaintiff or defendant — " Plaintiff or defend-
ant ! " says the sailor, scratching his head, " why,
I don't know what you mean by plaintiff or de-
fendant. I come to speak for that man, there ! "
pointing at the prisoner. " You are a pretty
fellow for a witness," says the counsel, " not to
know what plaintiff or defendant means." Some
time after, being asked by the same counsel, what
part of the ship he was in at the time — " Abaft
the binnacle, my lord," says the sailor. " Abaft
the binnacle ! " replied the barrister, " what part
of the ship is that ? "— " Ha ! ha ! ha ! " chuckled
the sailor ; " an't you a pretty fellow for a coun-
sellor," pointing archly at him with his finger,
" not to know what abaft the binnacle is."
740. — Dr. Franklin, when last in England,
used pleasantly to repeat an observation of his
negro servant, when the Doctor was making the
tour of Derbyshire, Lancashire, &c. " Every-
ting, Massa, work in dis country; water work;
JOE MILLER 303
wind work ; fire work ; smoke work ; dog work
(he had before noticed the last at Bath) ; man
work; bullock work; horse work; ass work;
every ting work here but de hog; he eat, he drink,
he sleep, he do noting all day, he walk about like
gentleman! "
741. — A Gentleman went to see his son at
Westminster school, under the great Dr. Busby.
When they were in discourse, over a bottle of
wine, the Doctor sent for the boy. " Come,"
says he, " young man, as your father is here,
take a glass of wine;" and quoted' this Latin
sentence : Paucum Vini acuit Ingenium ( a little
wine sharpens the wit). The lad replied, Sed
plus Vini, plus Ingenii! (the more wine, the more
wit !) v Hold, young man," replied the Doctor,
" though you argue on mathematical principles,
you shall have but one glass ! "
742. — The Renowned Peter the Great,
being at Westminster Hall in term time, and see-
ing multitudes of people swarming about the
courts of law, is reported to have asked some
about him what all those busy people were, and
what they were about? and being answered,
" They are lawyers." — " Lawyers ! " returned
he, with great vivacity, " w T hy I have but four
in my whole kingdom, and I design to hang two
of them as soon as I get home."
743. — " When I have a cold in my head,"
said a gentleman in company, " I am always re-
markably dull and stupid." — " You are much to
be pitied, then, Sir," replied another, " for I
304 JOE MILLER
don't remember ever to have seen you without
a cold in your head."
74-1. — A Welsh Parson in his discourse told
his congregation " how kind and respectful we
should be one to another," and said, " we were
even inferior to brutes in that point." He
brought in an example of two goats, which met
one another upon a very narrow bridge, over a
river, so that they could not pass by without one
thrusting the other off. " How do you think
did they do? I'll tell you: one laid him down
and let the other leap over him. Ah! beloved,
let us live like goats."
745. — A Dog stole a piece of meat out of a
Quaker's porridge pot ; upon which the Quaker
calmly said that he would not lift up the arm
of the flesh against him, but would give him a
gentle reproof; and so turning the dog out, he
shouted " a mad dog! " in consequence of which
the poor animal was instantly stoned to death.
746- — An Old Roman Soldier, being in-
volved in a lawsuit, implored the protection of
Augustus, who referred him to one of his cour-
tiers, for an introduction to the judges. On
which the brave veteran, piqued at the emperor's
coolness, exclaimed, " I did not use your high-
ness thus, when you were in danger at the battle
of Actium, but fought for you myself." Dis-
closing, at the same time, the wounds he had re-
ceived on that memorable occasion. This retort
so affected Augustus, that he is said to have per-
sonally pleaded the soldier's cause.
JOE MILLER 305
747. — Dr. A., physician at Newcastle, being
summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the
sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the
sexton's misconduct, as to raise his choler so as to
draw from him this expression : — " Sir, I was in
hopes you would have treated my failings with
more gentleness, or that you would have been
the last man alive to appear against me, as I
have covered so many blunders of yours! "
748. — At Gibraltar there was a great scarc-
ity of water, and a general complaint of the
want of it. An Irish officer said " He was very
easy about the matter, for he had nothing to do
with water ; if he only got his tea in the morning,
and punch at night, it was all that he wanted."
749. — A Gentleman came into an inn in
Chelmsford upon a very cold day, and could get
no room near the fire ; whereupon he called to the
ostler to fetch a peck of oysters, and give them
to his horse. "Will your horse eat oysters?"
replied the ostler. " Try him," said the gentle-
man. Immediately, the people running to see
this wonder, the fireside was cleared, and the gen-
tleman had his choice of seats. The ostler
brought back the oysters, and said the horse
would not meddle with them. " Why then,"
says the gentleman, " I must be forced to eat
them myself."
750. — David Hume and Lady W. once
passed the Frith from Kinghorn to Leith to-
gether, when a violent storm rendered the pas-
sengers apprehensive of a salt-water death; and
306 JOE MILLER
her ladyship's terrors induced her to seek con-
solation from her friend, who with infinite sang
froid assured her, he thought there was great
probability of their becoming food for fishes.
" And pray, my dear friend," said lady W.,
" which do you think they will eat first ? " —
" Those that are gluttons," replied Hume, " will
undoubtedly fall foul of me, but the epicures
will attack your ladyship."
751. — Some time since, at one of our seaports,
a noble naval commander, who is a strict disci-
plinarian, accosted a drunken sailor in the street,
with " What ship do you belong to? " Jack,
who was a dry fellow, notwithstanding he was
drunk, and had a very eccentric countenance, an-
swered with much sang froid, " Don't know."
" Do you know who I am? "— " No."—" Why,
I am commander-in-chief." — " Then, replied he
archlv, " you have a d — d good berth of it, that's
all I "know."
752. — A Gentleman remarked the other day
to an Irish baronet, that the science of optics
was now brought to the highest perfection ; for
that, by the aid of a telescope, which he had just
purchased, he could discern objects at an in-
credible distance. " My dear fellow," replied
the good humoured baronet, " I have one at my
lodge in the county of Wexford that will be a
match for it; it brought the church of Ennis-
corthy so near to my view, that I could hear the
whole congregation singing Psalms."
753. — As the Late Mr. Rich, whose abilities
JOE MILLER 307
as a Harlequin are universally known, was one
evening returning home from the playhouse in a
hackney coach, he ordered the coachman to drive
him to the Sun, then a famous tavern in Clare
Market. Just as the coach passed one of the
windows of the tavern, Rich, who perceived it to
be open, dexterously threw himself out of the
coach window into the room. The coachman,
who saw nothing of this transaction, drew up,
descended from his box, opened the coach door,
and let down the step ; then, taking off his hat,
he waited for some time, expecting his fare to
alight ; but at length looking into the coach, and
seeing it empty, he bestowed a few hearty curses
on the rascal who had bilked him, remounted his
box, turned about, and was returning to the
stand ; when Rich, who had watched his oppor-
tunity, threw himself into the coach, looked out,
asked the fellow where the devil he was driving,
and desired him to turn about. The coachman,
almost petrified with fear, instantly obeyed, and
once more drew up to the door of the tavern.
Rich now got out ; and, after reproaching the
fellow with his stupidity, tendered him his
money. " No, God bless your honour," said the
coachman, " my master has ordered me to take
no money to-night." — " Pshaw ! " said Rich ;
your master's a fool ; here's a shilling for your-
self." — " No, no," said the coachman, who had
by that time remounted his box, " that won't
do : I know } 7 ou too well, for all your shoes — and
so, Mr. Devil, for once you're outwitted ! "
308 JOE MILLER
754. — The witty and licentious earl of
Rochester meeting with he great Isaac Barrow
in the park, told his companions that he would
have some fun with the rusty old put. Accord-
ingly, he went up with great gravity, and, tak-
ing off his hat, made the Doctor a profound bow,
saying, " Doctor, I am yours to my shoe tie."
The doctor, seeing his drift, immediately pulled
off his beaver, and returned the bow, with, " My
lord, I am yours to the ground." Rochester fol-
lowed up his salutation by a deeper bow, saying,
" Doctor, I am yours to the centre." Barrow,
with a very lowly obeisance, replied, " My lord, I
am yours to the Antipodes." His lordship,
nearly gravelled, exclaimed, " Doctor, I am
yours to the lowest pit of hell." — " There, my
lord," said Barrow, sarcastically, " I leave you"
and walked off.
755. — The late well-known Sandy Wood,
surgeon, in Edinburgh, was walking through the
streets of that city during the time of an illu-
mination, when he observed a young rascal, not
above twelve years of age, breaking every window
he could reach, with as much industry as if he
had been doing the most commendable action in
the world. Enraged at this mischievous dispo-
sition, Sandy seized him by the collar, and asked
him what he meant by thus destroying the honest
people's windows ? " Why, it's all for the good
of trade," replied the young urchin, " I am a
glazier" — "All for the good of trade, is it?"
said Sandy, raising his cane, and breaking the
JOE MILLER 309
boy's head: "There, then, that's for the good
of my trade — I am a surgeon.'''
756. — Two Jesuits on their passage for
America, were desired by the master to go down
into the hold, as a storm was coming on ; that
they need not apprehend any danger as long as
they heard the seamen curse and swear ; but if
once they were silent and quiet, he would advise
them to betake themselves to prayers. Soon
after the lay brother goes to the hatches, to hear
what was going forward, when he quickly re-
turned, saying all was over, for they swore like
troopers, and their blasphemy alone was enough
to sink the vessel. " The Lord be praised for
it," replied the other, " marry then we are safe."
757. — When the celebrated Beau Nash was
ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription for him.
The next day the Doctor coming to see his pa-
tient, inquired if he had followed his prescrip-
tion? "No, truly, Doctor," said Nash, "if I
had, I should have broken my neck, for I threw
it out of a two-pair of stairs window."
758. — A Young Lady who was just come out
of the country, and affected to dress in a very
plain manner, was sitting on a bench at Bath,
as Nash and some of his companions were pass-
ing by ; upon which, turning to one of them, he
said, " There is a smart country girl ; I will have
some discourse with her." Then going up to the
lady, " So child," savs he, " you are just come
to Bath, I see? " — " Yes, Sir," answered the lady,
" And you have been a good girl in the country,
310 JOE MILLER
and learned to read your book, I hope ? " — " Yes,
Sir." — " Pray, now," says he, " let me examine
you. I know you have read your Bible, and
History of Tobit and his Dog; now, can you
tell me what was the dog's name? " — " Yes, Sir,"
says she, " his name was Nash, and an impudent
dog he was."
759. — Judge Burnet, son of the famous
Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is said to have
been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one
day found by his father in a very serious humour,
" What is the matter with you, Tom? " said the
Bishop ; " what are you ruminating on ? " — " A
greater work than your Lordship's History of
the Reformation," answered the son. " Ay !
what is that ? " asked the father. " The refor-
mation of myself, my lord," replied the son.
760.— Lord Mansfield being willing to save
a man who stole a watch, desired the jury to
value it at tenpence; upon which the prosecutor
cries out, " Tenpence, my lord, why the very
fashion of it cost me five pounds." — " Oh," says
his lordship, " we must not hang a man for fash-
ion's sake."
761- — A Gentleman having occasion to call
for Mr. Joseph Graham, writer, found him at
home in his writing chamber. He remarked the
great heat of the apartment, and said, " It was
hot as an oven." — " So it ouerht," replied Mr.
G.. " for 'tis here I make my bread."
762. — King James I. grave all manner of lib-
erty and encouragement to the exercise of buf-
JOE MILLER 311
foonery, and took great delight in it himself.
Happening once to bear somewhat hard on one
of his Scotch courtiers, " By my soul," returns
the peer, " he t that made your majesty a king,
spoiled the best fool in Christendom."
763. — A Rich Man sent to call a physician,
for a slight disorder. The physician felt his
pulse, and said, " Do you eat well? " — " Yes,"
said the patient. " Do you sleep well? " — " I
do." — " Then," said the physician, " I shall give
you something to take away all that ! "
764.— An Irish Soldier, who came over with
General Moore, being asked if he met with much
hospitality in Holland? " O yes," replied he,
" too much : I was in the hospital almost all the
time I was there."
765. — Benjamin Franklin, when a child,
found the long graces used by his father before
and after meals very tedious. One day after the
winter's provision had been salted, " I think,
father," said Benjamin, " if you were to say
grace over the whole cask once for all, it would
be a great saving of time."
766. — A Certain bon vivant parson, hav-
ing made too free with the bottle at a dinner in
the neighbourhood, had the misfortune in return-
ing home to fall from his horse ; some country
fellows who saw the accident replaced him in his
saddle, but with his face towards the horse's tail ;
in this situation old Dobbin conveyed him safely
to his own door. His wife, seeing the condition
he was in, exclaimed, " Good God ! my dear, you
312 JOE MILLER
are wonderfully cut/' — " Cut, indeed," says he,
feeling before him with both hands, " gad, I be-
lieve they have cut my horse's head off."
767. — Sir C. S. being at an inn on the
road, a report came that a gentleman had been
robbed, on which he swore, " That a single high-
wayman should not rob him." The next .morn-
ing, going on a journey, one met him, and re-
peated the very words that Sir C- had made
use of the night before ; " But there are two of
you," replied Sir C . The man, surprised
by the impromptu, suddenly turned his head
round to look for his comrade, when Sir C
instantly shot him dead.
768. — A French Officer more remarkable
for his birth and spirit than his riches, had served
the Venetian republic with great valour and
fidelity for some years, but had not met with pre-
ferment adequate, by any means, to his merits.
One day, he waited on an " Illustrissimo," whom
he had often solicited in vain, but on whose
friendship he had still some reliance. The re-
ception he met with was cool and mortifying ; the
noble turned his back on the necessitous veteran,
and left him to find his way to the street, through
a suit of apartments magnificently furnished.
He past them lost in thought, till casting his
eye on a sumptuous sideboard, where stood on a
damask cloth, as a preparation for a showy en-
tertainment, an invaluable collection of Venice
glass, polished and formed to the highest degree
of perfection, he took hold of a corner of the
JOE MILLER 313
linen, and turning to a faithful English mastiff,
who always accompanied him, said to the animal,
in a kind of absence of mind, " There ! my poor
old friend! ycu see how these scoundrels enjoy
themselves, and yet how we are treated ! " The
poor dog looked up in his master's face, and
wagged his tail, as if he understood him. The
master walked on, but the mastiff slackened his
pace, and laying hold of the damask cloth with
his teeth, at one hearty pull brought all the side-
board in shivers to the ground, and deprived the
insolent noble of his favourite exhibition of
splendour.
769. — Charles II. once said over his bottle,
in his usual lively way, that he supposed some
stupid peasant would write a nonsensical epitaph
on him when he was gone — " Now," says his ma-
jesty, " I should like to have something appro-
priate and witty — Rochester, let's have a touch
of your pen on the subject." — His lordship in-
stantly obeyed the command, and produced the
following : —
" Here lies our Sovereign Lord the King,
Whose word no man relied on;
Who never said a foolish thing,
And never did a wise one."
For this keen effusion Rochester remained some
time in disgrace.
770. — An English stock-jobber, well known
upon 'Change as a man of unexampled parsi-
mony, although possessed of an immense fortune,
one day met a very poor man. one of his relations.
" Come hither, George," said the miser, " do
314 JOE MILLER
you know I have just now made nvy will, and re-
membered you handsomely, my boy." — " God
bless you, brother," said the grateful man, " you
will be rewarded for so charitable an action, for
you could not have thought of a more distressed
family." — " Are you indeed so very poor,
George? " — " Sir, my family's starving," said
the man, almost crying. " Harkye, then,
George, if you will allow me a good discount, I
will pay you immediately." We need not add,
that the terms were accepted of, while they
parted equally pleased with the bargain they
had concluded.
771. — The Marquis St. Andre applied to
Louvois, the war-minister of Louis XIV., for a
small place then vacant. Louvois having re-
ceived some complaints against the marquis, re-
fused to comply. The nobleman, somewhat
nettled, rather hastily said, " If I were to enter
again into the service, I know what I would do."
— " And pray what would you do? " inquired
the minister in a furious tone. St. Andre recol-
lected himself, and had the presence of mind to
say, " I would take care to behave in such a man-
ner, that your excellency should have nothing
to reproach me with." Louvois, agreeably sur-
prised at this reply, immediately granted his re-
quest.
772. — Pope dining once with Frederic,
Prince of Wales, paid the prince many compli-
ments. " I wonder, Pope," said the prince,
" that you, who are so severe on kings, should
JOE MILLER 315
be so complaisant to me." — " It is," said the
wily bard, " because I like the lion before his
claws are grown."
773. — The Town of Chartres was besieged
by Henry IV., and at last capitulated. The
magistrate of the town, on giving up his keys,
addressed his majesty: — " This town belongs to
your highness by divine law, and by human
law." — " And by cannon law, too," added
Henry.
774. — Burnet Relates, that the Habeas
Corpus act was carried by an odd artifice in the
House of Lords. Lords Grey and Norris being
named to be the tellers, and Lord Norris being
subject to vapours, was not at all times attentive ;
so a very fat lord coming in, Lord Grey counted
him for ten, as a jest at first; but seeing Lord
Norris had not observed it, he went on with this
misreckoning of ten, and it was reported to the
House, and declared, that they who were for the
bill, were the majority, though it indeed went on
the other side ; and by this means the bill passed.
Would to heaven that all tricks had the same
happy results !
775. — Whiston says, he was informed by
Mr. Arthur Onslow, that it depended upon a
single vote in the House of Commons, whether
King James should be permitted to employ Pop-
ish officers in his army. The circumstance was
this: a courtier, who was to watch every member
that had any employment under the king, ob-
served one who had a regiment, and was going
316 JOE MILLER
to vote against the court; upon the discovery,
he accosted him warmly, and put him in mind
of his regiment; to which the officer made an-
swer, " My brother died last night, and left me
seven hundred a year ; " which single vote
gained a majority, and, says Whiston, saved the
Protestant religion at this time.
776.—" Me. Pitt," said the Duchess of Gor-
don, " I wish you to dine with me at ten this
evening." — " I must decline the honour," said
the premier, " for I am engaged to sup with the
Bishop of Lincoln at nine."
777. — Henry IV., having bestowed the cor-
don bleu on a nobleman, at the solicitation of the
Duke de Nevers, when the collar was put on, the
nobleman made the customary speech, " Sire, I
am not worthy." — " I know it well," said the
king, " but I give you the order to please my
cousin dc Nevers."
778. — A Facetious Abbe having engaged a
box at the opera-house at Paris, was turned out
of his possession by a marshal of France, as re-
markable for his ungentlemanlike behaviour as
for his cowardice and meanness. The abbe, for
his unjustifiable breach of good manners,
brought his action in a court of honour, and sol-
icited permission to be his own advocate, which
was granted, when he pleaded to the following
effect : — " It is not of Monsieur Suffrein, who
acted so nobly in the East Indies, that I com-
plain ; it is not of the Duke de Crebillon, who
took Minorca, that I complain ; it is not of the
JOE MILLER 317
Count de Grasse, who so bravely fought Lord
Rodney, that I complain ; but it is of Mar-
shal , who took my box at the opera-house,
and never took anything else." This most poig-
nant stroke of satire so sensibly convinced the
court that he had already inflicted punishment
sufficient, that they refused to grant him a ver-
dict — a fine compliment to the abbe's wit.
779. — Sir Watkin Williams Wynne talk-
ing to a friend about the antiquity of his family,
which he carried up to Noah, was told that he
was a mere mushroom of yesterday. " How so,
pray? " said the baronet.—" Why," continued
the other, " when I was in Wales, a pedigree of
a particular family was shewn to me : it filled up
above five large skins of parchment, and near
the middle of it was a note in the margin: —
About this time the world was created."
780. — When Queen Elizabeth proposed to
Dr. Dale the employment of being her ambas-
sador in Flanders, among other encouragements,
she told him that he should have twenty shillings
a day for his expenses. " Then, madam," said
lie, " I will spend nineteen shillings a day." —
" And what will } r ou do with the odd shilling? "
asked the queen. — " I will reserve that for mv
Kate, and for Tom and Dick ; " meaning his
wife and children. This induced the queen to
enlarge his allowance. — During the doctor's stay
abroad, he once sent, in a packet to the secre-
taries of state, two letters, one to the queen and
the other to his wife ; but that which was in-
318 JOE MILLER
tended for the queen was superscribed, " To his
dear wife; " and the other, " For her most ex-
cellent majesty : " so that when the queen opened
her letter, she found it beginning with " Sweet-
heart," and afterwards met with the expressions
" my dear," and " dear love," and others of the
like kind, acquainting her with the embarrassed
state of his circumstances. This mistake oc-
casioned much mirth, but it procured the doctor
a supply of money.
The doctor being engaged with some other am-
bassadors in a negotiation, a dispute arose con-
cerning the language in which they should treat :
the Spanish minister said that the French would
be the most proper, " Because," said he to Dr.
Dale, " your mistress calls herself Queen of
France."—" Nay, then," said the doctor, " let
us treat in Hebrew, for your master calls himself
King of Jerusalem."
781.— When Philip III., King of Spain,
sent his ambassador to treat with the States of
Holland about their independence, he was shown
into an ante-chamber, where he waited to see the
members of the States pass by. He stood for
some time, and seeing none but a parcel of plain-
dressed men, with bundles in their hands (which,
as many of them came from distant provinces,
contained their linen and provisions), he turned
to his interpreter, and asked him, " When the
States would come? " The man replied, " That
those were the members whom he saw ^o by."
Upon which he wrote to the commander-in-chief
JOE MILLER 319
of the Spanish army, to advise the king, his mas-
ter, to make peace as soon as possible. In his
letter was this remarkable passage : — " I ex-
pected to have seen in the States a splendid ap-
pearance ; but instead of that, I saw only a par-
cel of plain-dressed men, with sensible faces, who
came into council with provisions in their hands.
Their parsimony will ruin the king, my master,
in the course of the war, if it is continued ; for
there is no contending with people whose nobles
can live upon a shilling a-day, and will do every
tiling for the service of their country." The
king, struck with the account, agreed to treat
with them, as an independent state, and put an
end to the war.
782. — Sir Fuek Grevilee, was a member of
the House of Commons when that body insisted
much upon the value of precedents. " Why,"
said he, " do you stand so much upon prece-
dents? The times hereafter will be good or bad.
If good, precedents will do no harm; if
bad, power will make a way where it finds
none."
783. — The Good Humoured Baron
Thompson was once in a convivial party, at
which several gentlemen ranking high in the
legal profession were present. Much wine had
been drank, and the company had been highly
entertained by the facetious Henry W ,
whose elegant and refined wit charmed all his
hearers. He had given imitations of some of the
barristers and most of the judges, and the
S£0 JOE MILLER
baron's mirth and applause were particularly
loud. " There is one other person, Mr. W ,'
said the judge, " whose manner I should like to
see imitated." — "Who is that, my lord?"- —
"Myself, Sir,"— "Oh, my lord, that is quite
out of the question, present company are alwa}^s
excepted." — " Why, Sir, if you will try your
powers on myself I shall be obliged to you."
After considerable persuasion, W drew him-
self up in his chair, and blowing out his cheeks,
presented to his auditors a complete duplicate
of the Baron. A burst of applause immediately
followed, in which the good natured judge
heartily joined. The imitator apparently un-
moved, proceeded in a charge to the grand jury,
closely imitating the voice and manner of the
judge. " Law is law, and men are made to live
according to law, without any respect for the
gospel ; for that is another thing, to be con-
sidered at another time, in another place, and by
another set of men, vide Coke upon Littleton,
chap. ii. p. 312. Now, there are some men that
are good men, and some men that are bad men,
and the bad men are not the good men, and the
good men are not the bad men ; but the bad men
and the good men, and the good men and the bad
men, are two different sorts of men ; and this we
may glean from Magna Charter, an o 1 I man,
who lived in the reign of King John the Wise.
Therefore, the law is made for the bad men,
and the good men have nothing to do therewith,
nor any profit or advantage to derive therefrom
JOE MILLER 3%1
— therefore, bring up the prisoners, and hang
them, for I must go out of town to-morrow."
784. — Philip, the father of Alexander,
knowing his son to be very swift, pressed him to
run for the prize at the Olympic games. " I
would comply with your wishes," replied Alex-
ander, " if kings were to be my competitors."
785. — Lord Armadale, one of the Scotch
judges, had a son, who, at the age of eleven or
twelve, rose to the rank of a major. One morn-
ing his lady-mother hearing a noise in the nurs-
ery, rang to know the cause of it. " It is only,"
said the servant, " the major greeting (crying)
for his porridge ! "
786. — Henry VIII. , after the death of Jane
Seymour, had some difficulty to get another wife.
His first offer was to the Duchess Dowager of
Milan ; but her answer is said to have been, —
that she had but one head ; if she had two, one
should have been at his service.
787. — Sir Wm. Gooch being engaged in
conversation with a gentleman in a street of the
city of Williamsburgh, returned the salute of a
negro, who was passing by about his master's
business. " Sir William," said the gentleman,
" do you descend so far as to salute a slave ? "
— " Why, yes," replied the governor ; " I can-
not suffer a man of his condition to exceed me in
good manners."
788. — John Basilowitz, the czar of Russia,
perceiving Sir Jeremy Bowes, the ambassador of
322 JOE MILLER
Queen Elizabeth, with his hat on in his presence,
thus rebuked him : " Have you not heard, Sir, of
the person I have punished for such an insult? "
He had, in fact, punished him very savagely, by
causing his hat to be struck through with a nail,
and thus fastened to his head. Sir Jeremy an-
swered, " Yes, Sire, but I am the Queen of Eng-
land's ambassador, who never yet stood bare-
headed to any prince whatever: her I represent,
and on her justice I depend to do me right, if I
am insulted." — " A brave fellow this," said the
czar, turning to his nobles ; " a brave fellow
truly, who dares thus to act and talk for his
sovereign's honour ! Which of you would do so
for me? "
789. — Lord Hunsdon, a distinguished noble-
man in the court of Elizabeth, once said, " To
have the courage to notice an affront is to be
upon a level with an adversary : to have the char-
ity to forgive it, is to be above him."
790. — It was some years ago said in the Par-
liament-house at Edinburgh, that a gentleman,
who was notorious for a pretty good appetite,
had eaten away his senses. " Pooh ! " replied
Harry Erskine, " they would not be a mouthful
to a man of his bowels."
791. — Mr. Carbonel, the wine-merchant,
who served George the Third, was a great fav-
ourite with the good old king, and was admitted
to the honours of the roval hunt. Returning
from the chase one day, his majesty entered, in
JOE MILLER 323
his usual affable manner, into conversation with
him, riding side by side with him, for some dis-
tance. Lord Walshingham was in attendance,
and watching an opportunity, whispered to Mr.
Carbonel, that he had not once taken his hat off
before his majesty. " What's that, what's that,
Walsingham? " inquired the good-humoured
monarch. Mr. Carbonel at once said, " I find I
have been guilty of unintentional disrespect to
your majesty, in not taking off my hat; but
your majesty will please to observe, that when-
ever I hunt my hat is fastened to my wig, and
my wig to my head, and I am on the back of a
high-spirited horse; so that if any thing goes
off, we must all. go off together! " The king
laughed heartily at this whimsical apolog} 7 .
792. — When Fenelon was almoner to the
king, and attending Louis XIV. at a sermon
preached by a Capuchin, he fell asleep. The
Capuchin perceived it, and breaking off his dis-
course, said, " Awake, thou sleeping Abbe, who
comest here only to pay thy court to the king ; "
an anecdote which he often related with pleasure
after he was Bishop of Cambray. At another
time the king was astonished to find, instead of
a numerous congregation in his chapel, only
Fenelon and the priest. " What is the reason of
all this?" said the king. "I caused it to be
given out, Sire," replied Fenelon, " that your
majesty did not attend chapel to-day, that you
might know who came to worship God, and who
to flatter the king."
324 JOE MILLER
793. — Henry the Eighth hunting; in
Windsor Forest, struck down about dinner to the
abbey of Reading, where, disguising himself as
one of the royal guards, he was invited to the
abbot's table. A sirloin was set before him, of
which he ate as lustily as any beef-eater. " Well
fare thy heart," quoth the abbot, " and here in
a cup of sack I remember the health of his grace
your master. I would give a hundred pounds
that I could feed on beef as hearty as you do.
Alas ! my poor queasy stomach will scarcely di-
gest the wing of a chicken." The king heartily
pledged him, thanked him for his good cheer,
and departed undiscovered. Shortly afterwards
the abbot was sent to the Tower, kept a close
prisoner, and fed on bread and water, ignorant
of the cause, and terrified at his situation. At
last, a sirloin of beef was set before him, on
which his long hunger made him feed voraci-
ously. " My lord abbot," exclaimed the king,
entering from a private closet, " instantly de-
posit your hundred pounds, or no going hence.
I have been your physician; and here, as I de-
serve it, I demand my fee." The abbot would
willingly have paid the sum, but Henry, laugh-
ing loudly, put him aside on that point, and left
him to enjoy his improved powers of digestion
in peace and quietness.
794. — A Certain noble lord being in his
early years much addicted to dissipation, his
mother advised him to take example by a gen-
tleman, whose food was herbs, and his drink
JOE MILLER 325
water. " What ! madam," said he, " would you
have me to imitate a man who eats like a beast
and drinks like a fish? "
795. — A Young Lady of Brunswick, an at-
tendant on the late duchess, mortified that, from
her neglected education, she was precluded from
joining in the literary conversations which were
frequently introduced at that court, requested
her royal mistress to furnish her with such books
as might enable her to remedy this defect. Her
royal highness, smiling, handed her a Diction-
ary ; and next day asked her how she liked it.
"Oh! it is delightful!" said the fair student:
" there are some books which I have seen, where
the words are so huddled together, that one
does not know what to make of them ; but here it
is quite a pleasure to see them all drawn up in
order, like so many soldiers on a parade."
796. — Charles the Second asked Bishop
Stillingfleet how it happened that he preached in
general without book, but always read the ser-
mons which he delivered before the court. The
bishop answered, that the awe of seeing before
him so great and wise a prince made him afraid
to trust himself. " But will your majesty," con-
tinued he, " permit me to ask you a question in
my turn — Why do you read your speeches to
parliament?" — "Why, doctor," replied the
king, " I'll tell you very candidly. I have
asked them so often for money, that I am
ashamed to look them in the face ! "
797. — The republic of Genoa having irri-
326 JOE MILLER
tated Louis XIV, were forced to send to France
an embassy to appease him, in the unexampled
selection of the doge himself, and four senators.
The doge was conducted, among other places,
to Versailles, then in all its glory — which he
could not but greatly admire: but when he was
asked what struck him most in this extraordinary
spot, he answered, " To see myself there."
798. — When all the court were sliding upon
the Seine, which was frozen over, Henri Quatre
wished also to join them. One of his courtiers
wished to prevent him. " The others are skat-
ing," said the king. " Ah, Sire," replied the
courtier, " but you are of greater weight than
the others."
799. — Sir Joseph Williamson, secretary of
state to Charles the Second, wrote to the Lady
Anne, widow of the Earl of Dorset and Pem-
broke, to ask her for the nomination of a member
for the borough of Appleby. The countess,
with all the spirit of her ancestors, returned the
following laconic reply : — " I have been bullied
by an usurper, I have been neglected by a court,
but I will not be dictated to by a sub j ect ; your
man sha'n't stand. Anne Dorset."
800. — At the commencement of the American
war, Mr. Grenville, then in power, wishing to
know how the Quaker-colonists stood affected,
sent a message to Dr. Fothergill, intimating that
he was indisposed, and desiring to see him in the
evening. The doctor came, and his patient im-
mediately entering on the popular topic of
JOE MILLER Sr{
American affairs, drew from him the information
he wanted. The conversation held through a
large portion of the evening, and it was con-
cluded by Mr. Grenville saying, he found him-
self so much better for the doctor's visit, that he
would not trouble him to prescribe. In parting,
Mr. Grenville slipped five guineas into the doc-
tor's hand, which Fothergill surveying, said with
a dry, arch tone, " At this rate, friend, I will
spare thee an hour now and then ! "
801. — Sir Isaac Newton, one evening in
winter, feeling it extremely cold, instinctively
drew his chair very close to the grate, in which
a fire had been recently lighted. By degrees,
the fire being completely kindled, Sir Isaac felt
the heat intolerably intense, and rung his bell
with unusual violence. John was not at hand;
he at last made his appearance by the time Sir
Isaac was almost literally roasted. " Remove
the grate, you lazy rascal ! " exclaimed Sir Isaac,
in a tone of irritation very uncommon with that
amiable and placid philosopher ; " remove the
grate, ere I am burned to death ! "- — " Please,
your honour, might you not rather draw back
your chair? " said John, a little waggishly.
" Upon my word," said Sir Isaac, smiling, " I
never thought of that."
302. — A Corporal of the life guards of
Frederick the Great, who had a great deal of
vanity, but at the same time was a brave fellow,
wore a watch chain, to which he affixed a musket
bullet, instead of a watch, which he was unable
328 JOE MILLER
to buy. The king being inclined one day to
rally him, said, " Apropos, corporal, you must
have been very frugal to buy a watch; it is six
o'clock by mine: tell me what it is by yours."
The soldier, who guessed the king's intention,
instantly drew the bullet from his fob, and said,
" Sire, my watch neither marks five nor six
o'clock ; but it tells me every moment that it is
my duty to die for your majesty." — " Here, my
friend," said the king, quite affected, " take this
watch, that you may be able to tell the hour also."
And gave him his watch, which was adorned with
brilliants.
806. — The late Duchess of York having de-
sired her housekeeper to seek out a new laundress,
a decent-looking woman was recommended to the
situation. " But," said the housekeeper, " I am
afraid she will not suit your royal highness, as
she is a soldier's wife, and these people are gen-
erally loose characters ! " — " What is it you
say? " said the duke, who had just entered the
room, " a soldier's wife ! Pray, madam, what is
your mistress? I desire that the woman may be
immediately engaged."
804. — The Celebrated Hogarth was one
of the most absent of men. Soon after he set
up his carriage, he had occasion to pay a visit
to the lord-mayor. When he went the weather
was fine; but he was detained by business till a
violent shower of rain came on. Being let out
of the mansion-house by a different door from
that at which he had entered, he immediately be-
JOE MILLER 329
gan to call for a hackney-coach. Not one could
be procured; on which Hogarth sallied forth to
brave the storm, and actually reached his house
in Leicesterfields without bestowing a thought on
his own carriage, till Mrs. Hogarth, astonished
to see him so wet and hurried, asked him where
he had left it.
805. — At a City Feast one of the company
was expatiating on the blessings of Providence.
" Aye," said the late Sir William Curtis, smack-
ing his lips, " it is a blessed place, sure enough ;
we get all our turtle from it."
806. — As the late beautiful Duchess of Devon-
shire was one day stepping out of her carriage,
a dustman, who was accidently standing by, and
was about to regale himself with his accustomed
whiff of tobacco, caught a glance cf her counte-
nance, and instantly exclaimed, " Love and bless
you, my lady, let me light my pipe in your
eyes ! " It is said the duchess was delighted with
this compliment, that she frequently afterwards
checked the strain of adulation, which was so
constantly offered to her charms, by saying,
" Oh ! after the dustman's compliment, all others
are insipid."
807. — When Bajazet, after his defeat, was
carried into the presence of Timur Lench, that
is, Timur the Lame, vulgarly Timurlane ; on
perceiving that Bajazet had but one eye, Timur
burst into loud laughter. The Turk, who could
ill brook any incivility, said fiercely, " You may
deride my misfortunes, Timur, but remember
330 JOE MILLER
they might have happened to yourself. The
disposal of kingdoms is in the hands of God, and
their states depend on his will." Timur replied
with equal haughtiness, " I agree with your ob-
servation: I did not laugh at your misfortune,
but at a reflection that just occurred to my mind
how little value thrones and sceptres possess in
the judgment of God; who has taken a kingdom
from a man with one eye, to give it to another
with one leg."
808. — Admiral Keppel being sent to Algiers
for the purpose of demanding satisfaction for
the injuries done to his Britannic majesty's sub-
jects by the corsairs of that state, the dey, en-
raged at the boldness of the ambassador, ex-
claimed, " that he wondered at the insolence of
the English monarch, in sending him a message
by a foolish beardless boy." The admiral im-
mediately replied, that " if his master had sup-
posed his wisdom was to be measured by the
length of his beard, he would have sent his dey-
ship a he-goat." Unused to such spirited lan-
guage, this reply put the dey beside himself,
and forgetting the laws of nations, ordered his
mutes to attend with the bow-string, saying, that
the admiral should pa}^ for his audacity with his
life. Unmoved by this menace, the ambassador
took the dey to a window facing the bay, and
showing him the English fleet, told him that if
it were his pleasure to put him to death, there
were Englishmen enough in that fleet to make
him a glorious funeral pile. The dey wps wise
JOE MILLER 331
enough to take the hint ; the admiral came off in
safety, and ample restitution was made.
809. — When Spenser had finished his famous
poem of the Fairy Queen, he carried it to the
Earl of Southampton, the great patron of the
poets of that day. The manuscript being sent
up to the earl, he read a few pages, and then
ordered his servant to give the writer twenty
pounds. Reading on, he cried in a rapture,
" Carry that man another twenty pounds."
Proceeding farther, he exclaimed, " Give him
twenty pounds more." But at length he lost all
patience, and said, " Go, turn that fellow out of
the house, for if I read farther, I shall be
ruined."
810. — A Young Woman had laid a wager she
would descend into a vault, in the middle of the
night, and bring from thence a skull. The per-
son who took the wager had previously hid him-
self in the vault, and as the girl seized a skull,
cried, in a hollow voice, " Leave me my head ! "
— " There it is," said the girl, throwing it down
and catching up another. " Leave me my head ! "
said the same voice. " Nay, nay," said the
heroic lass, " you cannot have had two heads ;"
so brought the skull and won the wager.
811. — In some parish churches it is the cus-
tom to separate the men from the women. A
clergyman, being interrupted by loud talking,
stopped short; when a woman, eager for the
honour of her sex, arose and said, " Your rever-
ence, the noise is not among us," — " So much the
332 JOE MILLER
better," answered the priest, " it will be the
sconer over."
812. — Alexander the Great, passing
through Corinth, had the curiosity to go to see
the philosopher Diogenes, who was there at that
time. He found him seated in a covered tub,
with the open part turned towards the sun. " I
am the great King Alexander," said he to the
philosopher. " And I am the dog Diogenes,"
replied the philosopher. " I am a good man,"
said Alexander. " Well, who has any reason to
fear the good? " replied Diogenes. Alexander
admired the subtlety of his mind, and the free
manner in which he spoke. After having some
conversation with him, he said to him, " I see,
Diogenes, you are in want of many things. I
shall be A^ery glad to give you my assistance.
Ask of me whatever you please." — " Get then
from between me and the sun (said he), and do
not take from me that which you cannot give
me." Alexander was astonished, having never
before met with any man who was above all hu-
man concerns. " Who is the richer man (con-
tinued Diogenes), he who is contented with his
cloak and his wallet, or he who having an ex-
tensive kingdom, is not satisfied, and who every
day exposes himself to a thousand dangers to
extend its limits?" Alexander's courtiers were
very angry, that so great a king should so long
honour with Ins conversation such a surly wretch
as Diogenes, who did no\ even rise from his seat
while he spoke to, him. The king perceived
JOE MILLER 333
their anger, and turning about said to them, " If
I were not Alexander I would wish to be Dio-
genes."
813. — Lord Mansfield, on making a report
to King George III. of the conviction of Mr.
Malowny, a Catholic priest, who was found
guilty, in Surrey, of celebrating mass, was in-
duced, by a sense of reason and humanity, to
represent to his majesty the excessive severity of
tlie penalty which the law imposed for the of-
fence. The king, in a tone of the most heart-
felt benignity, immediately answered, " God for-
bid, my lord, that religious difference in opinion
should sanction prosecution, or admit of one man
within my realms to suffer unjustly! therefore,
issue a pardon for Mr. Malowny, and see that he
is set at liberty."
814. — When Oliver Cromwell, accompa-
nied by his secretary Thurlow, once went to dine
with the Lord Mayor, the populace rent the air
with their gratulations, and the streets echoed
with " Long live my Lord Protector ! " — " Your
Llighness," said the secretary, " may see by this
that you have the voice of the people, as well
as the voice of God." — " As to God," replied
Cromwell, " we will not talk about him here ;
but for the people they would be just as noisy,
and perhaps more rejoiced, if you and I were
going to be hanged."
815. — When Moliere, the comic poet,
died, the Archbishop of Paris would not let his
body be buried in consecrated ground. The
334 JOE MILLER
king, being informed of this, sent for the arch-
bishop, and expostulated with him about it ; but,
finding the prelate inflexibly obstinate, his ma-
jesty asked how many feet deep the consecrated
ground reached? This question coming by sur-
prise, the archbishop replied about eight.
" Well," answered the king, " I find there's no
getting the better of your scruples, therefore, let
his grave be dug twelve feet deep, that's four
below your consecrated ground, and let him be
buried there."
816. — Dr. Johnson, in his tour through
North Wales, passed two days at the seat of
Colonel Middleton of Gwynagag. While he re-
mained there, the gardener caught a hare amidst
some potato plants, and brought it to his master,
then engaged in conversation with the doctor.
An order was given to carry it to the cook. As
soon as Johnson heard this sentence, he begged
to have the animal placed in his arms ; which
was no sooner done, than, approaching the win-
dow, then half open, he restored the hare to her
liberty, shouting after her to accelerate her
speed. "What have you done?" cried the
colonel ; " why, doctor, you have robbed my table
of a delicacy, perhaps deprived us of a dinner."
— " So much the better, Sir," replied the humane
champion of a condemned hare; " for if your
table is to be supplied at the expense of the laws
of hospitality, I envy not the appetite of him
who eats it. This, Sir, is not a hare ferae naturae,
but one which had placed herself under your
JOE MILLER S35
protection ; and savage indeed must be that man
who does not make his hearth an asylum for the
confiding stranger."
817. — When Cortez returned to Spain, he
was coolly received by the emperor, Charles the
Fifth. One day he suddenly presented himself
to that monarch. "Who are you?" said the
emperor, haughtily. " The man," said Cortez,
as haughtily, " who has given you more prov-
inces than your ancestors left you cities."
818. — James I. being one day at play, with
a fellow-pupil, his tutor, Buchanan, who was
reading, desired them to make less noise. Find-
ing that they disregarded his admonition, he
told his majesty, if he did not hold his tongue,
he would certainly whip him. The king, allud-
ing to the fable, replied, he would be glad to see
who would bell the cat. Buchanan, in a passion,
threw the book from him, and inflicted on his
majesty a sound flogging. The old Countess of
Mar rushed into the room, and taking the king
in her arms, asked how he dared to lay his hands
on the Lord's anointed. " Madam," replied the
elegant and immortal historian, " I have whipped
his bottom: you may kiss it, if you please."
When Buchanan was asked how he came to make
a pedant of his royal pupil, he answered — He
thought he did a great deal to make anything
of him.
819. — Among the addresses presented upon
the accession of James the First, was one from
the ancient town of Shrewsbury, wishing his ma-
336 JOE MILLER
jesty might reign as long as the sun, moon, and
stars endured. " Faith, mon," said the king to
the person who presented it, " if I do, my son
must reign by candle-light." — When the same
monarch went to Salisbury, one of the active ad-
venturers of those days climbed up the outside
of the spire of the cathedral, and at the top
made three summersets in honour of his Majesty ;
who, being applied to for a reward, gave him
a patent, whereby every other of his subjects,
except the aforesaid man, and his heirs male, was
prohibited from climbing steeples forever.
820. — This Monarch, soon after his acces-
sion to the English throne, was present in a court
of justice, to observe the pleadings in a cause
of some consequence. The counsel for the plain-
tiff having finished, the king was so perfectly
satisfied, that he exclaimed, " 'Tis a plain case ! "
and was about to leave the court. Being per-
suaded, however, to stay and hear the other side
of the question, the pleaders for the defendant
made the case no less plain on their side. On this
the monarch arose and departed in a great pas-
sion, exclaiming, " They are all rogues alike."
821. — Frederick, conqueror as he was, sus-
tained a severe defeat at Coslin in the war of
1755. — Some time after, at a review, he jocosely
asked a soldier, who had got a deep cut in his
cheek, " Friend, at what alehouse did you get
that scratch? " — " I got it," said the soldier,
" at Coslin, where your majesty paid the reckon-
ing."
JOE MILLER 337
. 822. — Several years since, the bargemen of
His Majesty's ship Berwick, then at Spithead,
quarrelled with the bargemen of the ship which
Admiral Milbank then commanded as captain,
and the latter were heartily drubbed, to the no
small mortification of the admiral, who was in his
younger days exceedingly athletic, and somewhat
addicted to boxing. A few days after, the ad-
miral called the boat's crew together, upbraided
them for a set of cowards, dressed himself in a
common jacket and trousers, and observing the
Berwick's barge rowing ashore to Portsmouth
beach, ordered his own to be immediately
manned: and thus disguised, took an oar as one
of the crew. The coxswain, as particularly di-
rected, run the head of his barge against the
Berwick's barge quarter ; in consequence of which
a broadside of oaths were given and returned,
which produced a challenge to fight with more
substantial weapons. The admiral, as cham-
pion of his crew, beat the whole of the other
barge's crew, one after the other (eleven in num-
ber), to the great joy and admiration of his
sailors, and then making himself know r n, went
and visited his friends in Portsmouth, as if noth-
ing had. happened.
823. — When the baggage of Lady Hamilton
was landed at Palermo, Lord Nelson's coxswain
was very active in conveying it to the ambassa-
dor's hotel. Lady Hamilton observed this, and
presenting the man with a moidore. said, " Now,
my friend, what will you have to drink? " —
338 JOE MILLER
" Why, please your honour," said the coxswain,
" I'm not thirsty."—" But," said her Ladyship,
" Nelson's steersman must drink with me, so
what will you take, a dram, a glass of grog, or a
glass of punch?"— "Why," said Jack, "as I
am to drink with your Ladyship's honour, it
wouldn't be good manners to be backward, so I'll
take the dram now, and will be drinking the glass
of grog while your Ladyship is mixing the tum-
bler of punch for me."
824. — A Scotch pedestrian attacked by three
highwaymen defended himself with great cour-
age and obstinacy, but was at last overpowered,
and his pockets rifled. The robbers expected,
from the extraordinary resistance they had ex-
perienced, to lay their hands on some rich booty ;
but were not a little surprised to discover, that
the whole treasure which the sturdy Caledonian
had been defending at the hazard of his life, con-
sisted of no more than a crooked sixpence : " The
deuce is in him," said one of the rogues ; " if he
had had eighteen pence, I suppose he would have
killed the whole of us."
END OF VOL. I.
JOE MILLER'S
COMPLETE JRST BOOK
Being a Collection of the Most Excellent
Bon Mots, Brilliant Jests, and vStriking
Anecdotes in the English Language
With an Introduction by Andrew G. Dickinson, Ji
Unabridged Edition
TWO VOLUMES IX ONE
WILLIAM T. HENDERSON
i56 FIFTH AVE. NEW YORK 1903
Copyright 1903
by
William T. Henderson
JOE MILLER
825. — In the Engagement between the
English fleet, under the Duke of Albemarle, and
the Dutch fleet, commanded by De Ruyter and
Van Tromp, the Henry, commanded by Sir John
Harman, was surrounded and assailed from all
quarters by the Zealand squadron ; so that ad-
miral Evertzen, who commanded it, hailed and
offered him quarter. " No, Sir," said the gal-
lant officer, " it is not come to that yet." The
next broadside killed the Dutch admiral, by
which means the squadron was thrown into con-
fusion, and obliged to quit the Henry ; but the
Dutch sent three fire-ships to burn her. One of
them grappled her starboard quarter, but the
smoke was too thick to discern where the grap-
pling irons had hooked, until the blaze had sub-
sided, when the boatswain resolutely jumped on
board, disentangled the irons, and instantly re-
gained his own ship. Scarcely was this effected,
before another fire-ship boarded her on the lar-
board side ; the sails and rigging of the Henry
taking fire, destruction seemed inevitable, and
several of the crew threw themselves into the sea ;
upon which Sir John Harman drew his sword,
and threatened to kill anyone who should quit
4 JOE MILLER
the ship. At length, the exertions of the re-
maining crew extinguished the flames. Sir John
Harman, although his leg was broken, continued
on deck, giving directions, and sunk another
fire-ship, which was bearing down upon him. In
this crippled state he got into Harwich, and re-
paired the damages his ship had sustained.
826. — The Hero of this little narrative was
a Hottentot, of the name of Von Wyhk, and we
give the story of his perilous and fearful shot
in his own words : " It is now," said he, " more
than two years since in the very place where we
stand, I ventured to take one of the most daring
shots that ever was hazarded: my wife was sit-
ting in the house near the door, the children
were playing about her. I was without, near the
house, busied in doing something to a waggon,
when suddenly, though it was mid-day, an enor-
mous lion appeared, came up, and laid himself
quietly down in the shade upon the very thresh-
old of the door. My wife, either frozen with
fear or aware of the danger attending any at-
tempt to fly, remained motionless in her place,
while the children took refuge in her lap. The
cry they uttered attracted my attention, and I
hastened towards the door ; but my astonishment
may be well conceived, when I found the entrance
barred in such a manner. Although the animal
had not seen me, escape, unarmed as I was, ap-
peared impossible. Yet I glided gently,
scarcely knowing what I meant to do, to the side
of the house, up to the window of my chamber,
JOE .MILLER 5
where I knew my loaded gun was standing. By
a happy chance, I had set it in a corner close by
the window, so that I could reach it with my
hand : for as you may perceive, the opening is
too small to admit of my having got in ; and
still more fortunately, the door of the room was
open, so that I could see the whole danger of
the scene. The lion was beginning to move, per-
haps with the intention of making a spring;
there was no longer any time to think ; I called
softly to the mother not to be afraid, and, invok-
ing the name of the Lord, fired my piece. The
ball passed directly over my boy's head, and
lodged in the forehead of the lion immediately
above his eyes, which shot forth as it were sparks
of fire, and stretched him on the ground, so that
he never stirred more."
827. — Baron D'Adrets occasionally made
his prisoners throw themselves headlong, from
the battlements of a high tower, upon the pikes
of his soldiers. One of these unfortunate per-
sons having approached the battlements twice,
without venturing to leap, the baron reproached
him with his want of courage, in a very insulting
manner. " Why, Sir," said the prisoner, " bold
as you are, I would give you five times before
you took the leap." This pleasantry saved the
poor fellow's life.
828. — George II. passing through his cham-
ber one evening, preceded by a single page, a
small canvas bag of guineas, which he held in
his hand accidentally dropped, and one of tihem
6 JOE MILLER
rolled under a closet door, in which wood was
usually kept for the use of his bed-chamber.
After the king had very deliberately picked up
the money, he found himself deficient of a
guinea ; and, guessing where it went, " Come,"
said he to the page, " we must find this guinea ;
here, help me throw out the wood." The page
xnd he accordingly went to work, and in a short
t^ne found it. " Well," said the king, " you
have wrought hard, there is the guinea for your
labour, but I would have nothing lost."
829. — Dean Swift knew an old woman of
the name of Margaret Styles, who was much ad-
* dieted to drinking. Though frequently admon-
ished by him, he one day found her at the bottom
of a ditch, with a bundle of sticks, with which,
being in her old way, she had tumbled in. The
dean, after severely rebuking her, asked her,
" Where she thought of going to? " (meaning
after her death.) " I'll tell you, Sir," said she,
" if you'll help me up." When he had assisted
her, and repeated his question — " where do I
think of going to? " said she, " where the best
liquor is, to be sure."
830. — A Jew, who was condemned to be
hanged, was brought to the gallows, and was
just on the point of being turned off, when a re-
prieve arrived. Moses was informed of this, and
it was expected he would instantly have quitted
the cart, but he stayed to see his two fellow-pris-
oners hanged ; and being asked, why he did not
get about his business, lie said, " He waited to
JOE MILLER
see if he could bargain with Maister Kctsch for
the two gentlemen's clothes."
831. — An English Drummer having strolled
from the camp, approached the French lines, and
before he was aware, was seized by the pique!
and carried before the commander, on suspicion
of being a spy, disguised in a drummer's uni
form. On being questioned, however, he hon-
estly told the truth, and declared who and what
he was. This not gaining credit, a drum was
sent for, and he was desired to beat a couple of
marches, which he readily performed, and thus
removed the Frenchman's suspicion of his assum-
ing a fictitious character. " But, my lad," said
he, " let me now hear you beat a retreat." — " A
retreat ! " replied the drummer ; " I don't know
what it is, nor is it known in the English ser-
vice ! " The French officer was so pleased with
this spirited remark, that he dismissed the poor
fellow, with a letter of recommendation to his
general.
832. — An Old Woman that sold ale, being at
church, fell asleep during the sermon, and un-
luckily let her old-fashioned clasped Bible fall,
which, making a great noise, she exclaimed, half
awake, " So, you jade, there's another jug
broke ! "
833. — Admiral Blake, when a captain, was
sent with a small squadron to the West Indies,
on a secret expedition against the Spanish settle-
ments. It happened, in an engagement, that
one of his ships blew up, which damped the
8 JOE MILLER
spirits of his crew ; but Blake, who was not to be
subdued by one unsuccessful occurrence, called
out to his men, " Well, my lads, you have seen an
English ship blown up ; and now let's see what
figure a Spanish one will make in the same situa-
tion." This well-timed harangue raised their
spirits immediately, and in less than an hour he
set his antagonist on fire. " There, my lads,"
said he, "I knew we should have our revenge
soon."
834. — When Citizen Thelwall was on his
trial at the Old Bailey for high treason, during
the evidence for the prosecution he wrote the fol-
lowing note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Ers-
kine : " I am determined to plead my cause my-
self." Mr. Erskine wrote under it: " If you do,
you'll be hanged " ; to which Thelwall immedi-
ate^ returned this reply : " I'll he hang'd, then,
if I do."
835. — Chateauneuf, keeper of the seals of
Louis XIII. when a boy of only nine years old,
was asked many questions by a bishop, and gave
very prompt answers to them all. At length the
prelate said, " I will give you an orange if you
will tell me where God is?"— "My lord," re-
plied the boy, " I will give you two oranges, if
you will tell me where he is not."
836.— During the siege of Fort St. Philip, a
young lieutenant of marines was so unfortunate
as to lose both his legs by a chain-shot. In this
miserable and helpless condition he was conveyed
to England, and a memorial of his case presented
JOE MILLER 9
to an honourable board ; but nothing more than
half-pay could be obtained. Major Manson had
the poor lieutenant conducted to court on a pub-
lic day, in his uniform ; where, posted in the
ante-room, and supported by two of his brother
officers, he cried out, as the king, George L, was
passing to the drawing-room, " Behold, great
-sire, a man who refuses to bend his knee to you ;
fie has lost both in your service." The king,
struck no less by the singularity of his address,
than by the melancholy object before him,
stopped, and hastily demanded what had been
done for him. " Half-pay," replied the lieuten-
ant, " and please your majesty," — " Fye, fye
on't," said the king, shaking his head ; " but let
me see you again — next levee day." The lieu-
tenant did not fail to appear, when he received
from the immediate hand of royalty a present of
five hundred pounds, and an annuity of two hun-
dred pounds a year for life.
, 837. — A Clergyman preaching some time
ago, in the neighbourhood of Wapping, observ-
ing that most of his audience were in the sea-
faring way, embellished his discourse with several
nautical tropes and figures. Amongst other
things, he advised them to be ever " on the watch,
so that on whatever tack the devil should bear
down upon them, he might be crippled in the ac-
tion." — " Ay, master," cried a jolly son of
Neptune, " but let me tell you, that will defend
On your having the weather-gauge of him."
838, — Every one has heard of the brave
10 JOE MILLER
Macpherson, who, with his trusty ferrara, mowed
down whole ranks of the Gallic foe, in that me-
morable battle where the immortal Wolfe expired
in the arms of victory ! His captain, who had
marked the incredible valour of the gallant
Caledonian, saw T him, after the fate of the glori-
ous day was decided, set himself down by a heap
of Frenchmen slain by his valiant arm, wipe the
dust and sweat from his sunburnt brow, and re-
fresh himself with a hearty pinch from his snuff-
mill. The king, on the regiment's return to
Britain, expressed a desire to see this brave old
highlander, who being introduced by his cap-
tain, his Majesty presented his hand to Don-
ald to kiss : honest Donald, unacquainted with the
ceremonial of courts, and thinking the king
asked him for a pinch of snuff, clapped his horn
into the monarch's fist, accompanied with a
hearty squeeze. The king laughed heartily, ac-
cepted of a pinch, made Donald a lieutenant,
and gave him half-pay for life.
839. — Some Years Ago, Dr. Warner hap-
pened to be in a stationer's shop, when a mem-
ber of the House of Commons came in to pur-
chase a hundred pens for six shillings. When he
was gone, the doctor exclaimed, " Oh ! the luxury
of the age ! Six shillings for a hundred pens !
Why, it never cost me sixpence for pens in all
my life." — " That is somewhat very surprising,
doctor," said the stationer, " for your writings
are very voluminous." — " I declare," replied the
doctor, " I wrote my Ecclesiastical History, two
JOE MILLER 11
volumes in folio, and my Dissertation on the
Book of Common Pra} r er, a large folio, first and
corrected copies, with one single pen : it was an
old one before I began, and it is not now worn
out that I have finished." — This relation was
spread about, and the merits of this pen esteemed
so highly, that a certain Countess begged the
doctor to make her a present of it : he did so,
and her ladyship had a gold case made, with a
short history of the pen wrought upon it, and
placed it in her cabinet of curiosities.
840. — An Officer in Admiral Lord St. Vin-
cent's fleet, asking one of the captains, who was
gallantly bearing down upon the Spanish fleet,
whether he had reckoned the number of the
enemy? " No," replied the captain, " it will be
time enough to do that, when we have made them
strike."
841. — That laughter is by no means an un-
equivocal symptom of a merry heart, there is a
remarkable anecdote of Carlini, the drollest
buffoon ever known on the Italian stage at Paris,
A French physician being consulted by a person
who was subject to the most gloomy fits of mel-
ancholy, advised his patient to mix in scenes of
gaiety, and particularly, to frequent the Italian
theatre : " And," said he, " if Carlini does not
dispel your gloomy complaint, your case must
be desperate indeed ! " — " Alas, Sir," replied the
patient, " I myself am Carlini, but while I divert
all Paris with mirth, and make them almost die
with laughter, I am myself actually dying with
12 JOE MILLER
chagrin and melancholy ! " Immoderate laugh-
ter, like the immoderate use of strong cordials,
gives only a temporary appearance of cheerful-
ness, which is soon terminated by an increased
depression of spirits.
842. — Lord Camelford entering one even-
ing a coffee-house in Conduit street, meanly at-
tired, as he often was, he sat down to peruse the
papers of the day. Soon after came in a dash-
ing fellow, a first-rate blood, who threw himself
into the opposite seat of the same box with him,
and in a most consequential tone bawled out,
" Waiter ! bring me a pint of Madeira, and a
couple of wax candles, and put them into the
next box." He then drew to himself Lord
Camelford's candles, and set himself to read.
His lordship glanced a look of indignation, but,
exerting his optics a little more, continued to de-
cypher his paper. The waiter soon re-appeared,
and announced his having completed the com-
mands of the gentleman, who immediately
lounged round into his box. Lord Camelford
having finished his paragraph, called out in a
mimic tone, " Waiter ! bring me a pair of snuf-
fers." These were quickly brought, when his
lordship laid down his paper, walked round to
the box in which the gentleman was seated,
snuffed out both the candles, and leisurely re-
turned to his seat. Boiling with rage and fury,
the indignant beau roared out, " Waiter ! waiter !
waiter! who the devil is this fellow that dares
thus to insult a gentleman? Who is he? What
JOE MILLER IB
is he? What do they call him? "— " Lord Cam-
elford, Sir," said the wait6r. "Who? Lord
Camelford ! " returned the former, in a tone of
voice scarcely audible ; horror-struck at the recol-
lection of his own impertinence, and almost
doubting whether he was still in existence;
" Lord Camelford ! What have I to pay ? " On
being told, he laid down his score, and actually
stole away, without daring to taste his Madeira.
843. — A Veteran at the battle of Trafalgar,
who was actively employed at one of the guns
on the quarter-deck of the Britannia, had his
leg shot off below the knee, and observed to an
officer, who was ordering him to be conveyed to
the cock-pit, " That's but a shilling touch ; an
inch higher and I should have had my eighteen
pence for it " ; alluding by this to the scale of
pensions allowed for wounds, which, of course,
increase according to their severity. The same
hearty fellow, as they were lifting him on a
brother tar's shoulders, said to one of his friends,
" Bob, take a look for my leg, and give me the
silver buckle out of my shoe ; I'll do as much for
you, please God, some other time."
844. — The following is an account of a most
ingenious stratagem played off at Paris before
the Revolution : the last time that the late queen
of France visited the theatre in Paris, the wife of
a financier, whose whole merit consisted in a
heavy purse, and an ostentatious display of
eastern magnificence, sat alone in a box opposite
to that of her majesty. She affected to make a
14 JOE MILLER
parade of a costly pair of bracelets, which, as
the queen now and then cast her eyes upon her,
she fondly supposed attracted the admiration of
her sovereign. She was hugging herself in
thoughts that exceedingly flattered her vanity,
when a person dressed in the queen's livery, en-
tered the box. " Madam," said he, " you may
have perceived how attentively the queen has sur-
veyed those magnificent bracelets, which though
so precious and costly, still receive greater lustre
from the dazzling beauty of the arm w T hich bears
them; I am commissioned by her majesty to re-
quest you will entrust me with one of them, that
her majesty may have a nearer view of the un-
paralleled jewels." Melted by the flattering
compliment, she did not hesitate, and delivered
one of her bracelets. Alas ! she soon repented
her blind confidence, and heard nothing more of
her bracelet till the next morning, when an ex-
empt of the police begged to be admitted^ and
chid her politely for trusting so valuable a
trinket in the hands of a stranger ; " but,
madam," added he, " the rogue is taken up, and
here is a letter from the Lieutenant de Police,
which will explain the whole." The letter was,
indeed, signed " De Crone," and contained a re-
quest, that the lady would repair at twelve
o'clock to the office, and in the meantime deliver
to the exempt the other bracelet, that it might
be compared with the first, then in his hand, that
he might have sufficient proof to commit the
sharper. So much attention from the chief
JOE MILLER 15
magistrate filled her with gratitude, which she
expressed in the liveliest terms, bestowing the
greatest praise on the vigilance of the police,
which in no country was so vigilant as at Paris.
In fine, after ordering up a dish of chocolate for
the exempt, she put the other bracelet in his
hand. They parted, but it was forever — this
pretended exempt, proving neither more nor less
than the worthy associate of the queen s bold
messenger!
845. — The Writer of this article having,
many years ago, accompanied Doctor Arne to
Cannons, the seat of the late Duke of Chandos,
to assist at the performance of an oratorio in the
chapel of Whitchurch, such was the throng of
company, that no provisions were to be procured
at the duke's house. On going to the Chandos'
Arms, in the town of Edgeware, we made our
way into the kitchen, where we found nothing
but a solitary leg of mutton on the spit. This,
the waiter informed me, was bespoke by a party
of gentlemen. The doctor (rubbing his elbow —
his usual manner), says to me, " I'll have that
mutton — give me a fiddle-string." He took the
fiddle-string, cut it in pieces, and "privately
sprinkling it over the mutton, walked out of the
kitchen. Then waiting very patiently till the
waiter had served it up, he heard one of the
gentlemen exclaim — " Waiter ! this meat is full
of maggots, take it away." This was what the
doctor expected, who was on the watch. — " Here,
give it to me." — " O, Sir," said the waiter, " you
16 JOE MILLER
can't eat it, it is full of maggots." — " O, never
mind," cries the doctor, " fiddlers have strong
stomachs." So bearing it away, and scraping
off the fiddle-strings, we made a hearty dinner on
the apparently maggotty mutton.
846. — At the time when Frederic Moul was
engaged in translating Libanius, a servant came
to tell him, that his wife, who had long been in
a declining state, was very ill, and wished to
speak to him. " Stop a minute, stop a minute,"
said he, " I have but two sentences to finish, and
then I will be with her directly." Another mess-
enger came to announce, that she was at the last
gasp. " I have but two words to write," an-
swered he, " and then I'll fly to her." A moment
after word was brought to him that she had ex-
pired. " Alas ! I am very sorry for it," ex-
claimed the tranquil husband, " she was the best
wife in the world ! " Having uttered this brief
funeral oration, he went on with his work.
847. — After their victories over the Persians,
the Athenians made a law, that on one day in
every year there should be an exhibition of a
cock-fight. This custom is said to have arisen
from the following circumstance: — When
Themistocles led an army of his countrymen
against the Barbarians, he saw two cocks fight-
ing. The spectacle was not lost on him : 1 e made
his army halt^ and thus addressed them : —
" These cocks," said he, " arc not fighting for
their country, nor for their paternal gods ; nor
do they endure this for the monuments of their
JOE MILLER 17
ancestors, for the sake of glory in the cause of
liberty, or for their offspring. The only motive
is, that one is determined not to yield to the
other."
848. — Among the many anecdotes which the
great Lord Mansfield used to relate, was the fol-
lowing: A St. Giles's bird appeared as an evi-
dence before him in some trial concerning a quar-
rel, and so confounded his lordship with his
slang, that he was obliged to dismiss him with-
out getting any information. He was desired
to give an account of all he knew about the busi-
ness. " Why, my lord," said he, " as I was
coming round the corner of the street, I stagged
the man." — " Pray," said Lord Mansfield,
"what is stagging sl man?" — " Stagging, my
lord; why you see I was down upon him." —
" Well, but I don't understand down upon him
any more than stagging. Do speak to be under-
understood." — " Why, an't please your lord-
ship, I speak as well as I can. I was up, you
see, to all he knew." — " To all he knew? I am as
much in the dark as ever." — " Well, then, my
lord, I'll tell you how it was." — " Do so." —
" Why, my lord, seeing as how he was a mm
lid, I was one upon his tiboy." The fellow was
at length sent out of court, and was heard to say
to one of his companions, that he had gloriously
queered old full-bottom.
849. — A Poor Woman, who had attended sev-
eral confirmations, was at length recognised by
the bishop. " Pray, have I not seen you here
18 JOE MILLER
before? " said his lordship. " Yes," replied the
woman, " I get me conformed as often as I can ;
the j tell me it is good for the rheumatis."
850. — Taxes upon every article which enters
into the mouth, or covers the back, or is placed
under the foot ; taxes upon every thing which is
pleasant to see, hear, feel, smell, and taste ; taxes
upon warmth, light, and locomotion ; taxes on
everything on earth, and the waters under the
earth ; on everything that comes from abroad, or
is grown at home ; taxes on the raw materials ;
taxes on every fresh value that is added to it by
the industry of man; taxes on the sauce which
pampers man's appetite, and the drug that re-
stores him to health ; on the ermine which deco-
rates the judge, and the rope which hangs the
criminal ; on the poor man's salt, and the rich
man's spice ; on the brass nails of the coffin, and
the ribbands of the bride; at bed and board,
couchant or levant, we must pay. The school-
boy whips his taxed top; the beardless youth
manages his taxed horse with a taxed bridle on
a road taxed; and the dying Englishman pour-
ing his medicine, which has paid 7 per cent,
into a spoon which has paid 15 per cent, flings
himself back upon his Chintz bed which has
paid 22 per cent., makes his will on an eight
pound stamp, and expires in the arms of an
apothecary who has paid a license of an hundred
pounds for the privilege of putting him to death.
His ""hole property is then immediately taxed
from 2 to 10 per cent. Besides the probate,
JOE MILLER 19
large fees are demanded for burying him in the
chancel ; his virtues are handed down to posterity
on taxed marble ; and he is then gathered to his
fathers — to be taxed no more.
851. — During the action against the Alger-
ines, as Lord Exmouth and Captain Brisbane
were conversing together, the latter was struck
flat on the ground by a spent ball, or some other
cause. Lord Exmouth immediately called the
first lieutenant, and exclaimed, " Poor Brisbane!
he's gone ! take the command." The captain,
raising himself in a sitting posture, coolly said,
" Not yet, my lord " ; and in a moment after re-
sumed his share in the business of the day.
852. — The Rev. Caleb Coeton, nephew of
the late Sir George Staunton, gives in a recent
publication the following anecdote : — " My late
uncle, Sir G. Staunton, related to me a curious
anecdote of old Kien Long, Emperor of China.
He was inquiring of Sir George the manner in
which physicians were paid in England. When,
after some difficulty, his majesty was made to
comprehend the system, he exclaimed, " Is any
man well in England, that can afford to be ill?
now, I will inform you," said he, " how I manage
my physicians. I have four, to whom the care
of my health is committed : a certain weekly sal-
ary is allowed them, but the moment I am ill, the
salary stops till I am well again. I need not in-
form you my illnesses are usually short."
853. — Sir John Bernard distinguished him-
self in parliament by his integrity and his firm-
20 JOE MILLER
ness. When Sir Robert Walpole, then prime
minister, was one day whispering to the Speaker
of the House of Commons, who leaned towards
him over the arm of his chair, at the time Sir
John Bernard was speaking, he exclaimed, " Mr.
Speaker, I address myself to you, and not to
your chair; I will be heard; I call that gentle-
man to order." The Speaker immediately dis-
missed Sir Robert, and begged Sir John's par-
don, requesting him to proceed.
Sir Robert Walpole, whose measures Sir John
generally opposed, once paid him a high compli-
ment. They were riding in two different parties
in a narrow lane, and one of Sir Robert's com-
panions hearing some person speaking before he
came up to them, inquired of Sir Robert whose
voice it was. " Do you not know? " replied the
minister. " It is one I shall never forget ; I have
often felt its power."
854. — " Susan ! " said an Irish footman to
his fellow servant, " what are the bells ringing
for again? " — " In honour of the Duke of
York's birthday, Mr. Murphy." — " Be aisy
now," rejoined the Hibernian, " none of your
blarney — sure, 'twas the Prince Regent's on
Tuesday, and how can it be his brother's to-day,
unless indeed they are twins? "
855. — It was so natural for Dr. Watts, when
a child, to speak in rhyme, that even at the very
time he wished to avoid it, he could not. His
father was displeased at this propensity, and
threatened to whip him if he did not leave off
JOE MILLER 21
making verses. One clay when he was about to
put his threat in execution, the child burst into
tears, and on his knees said,
Pray, father, do some pity take,
And I will no more verses make.
856. — His Royal Highness the late Duke of
Cumberland, being at Newmarket, missed his
pocket-book just before the horses started, con-
taining a quantity of bank notes. When the
cognoscenti of the turf cajne about him, and
offered him several bets, he said, " I have lost my
money already, and cannot afford to venture any
more to-day." The horse which the duke had in-
tended to back was distanced; so he consoled
himself that the loss of his pocket-book was only
a temporary evil, as he should have forfeited its
contents to the worthies of the turf. The race
was no sooner finished than a veteran half -pay
officer presented his royal highness with the lost
pocket-book, saying he had found it near the
stand, but had not an opportunity of approach-
ing him earlier. The duke refused to receive it,
most generously saying, " I am glad it has fallen
into such hands ; keep it ; had it not been for this
accident, it would have been by this time dis-
persed among the black legs of Newmarket."
857. — A Child of one of the crew of his maj-
esty's ship Peacock, during the action with the
United States vessel, Hornet, amused himself
with chasing a goat between decks. Not in the
22 JOE MILLER
least terrified by destruction and death all around
him, he persisted, till a cannon ball came and
took off both the hind legs of the goat, when
seeing her disabled, he jumped astride her, cry-
ing, " Now I've caught you."
858. — During an action of Admiral Rodney
with the French, a woman assisted at one of the
guns on the main-deck, and being asked by the
admiral what she did there, she replied, " An't
please your honour, my husband is sent down to
the cock-pit wounded, and I am here to supply
his place. Do you" think, your honour, I am
afraid of the French? " After the action, Lord
Rodney called her aft, told her she had been
guilty of a breach of orders, by being on board,
but rewarded her with ten guineas for so gal-
lantly supplying the place of her husband.
859.— In the Attack on the strong fortress
of St. Fernando de Omao, in the year 1780, an
English sailor who had scrambled singly over the
wall, had, for the better annoyance of the enemy
on all sides, armed himself with a cutlass in each
hand. Thus equipped, he fell in with a Span-
ish officer just roused from sleep, and who in the
hurry and confusion had forgotten his sword.
The circumstance restrained the fury of the Brit-
ish tar, who, disdaining to attack an unarmed
foe, but unwilling to relinquish so happy an op-
portunity of displaying his courage in single
combat, presented one of the cutlasses to him,
saying, " I scorn any advantage ; yon are now
upon an equal footing with me." The aston-
JOE MILLER &3
ishment of the officer at such an act of gener-
osity, and the facility with which a friendly par-
ley took place, when he expected nothing else
from the uncouth and hostile appearance of his
foe, than being cut into pieces instantly, and
without mercy, could only be rivalled by the ad-
miration which his relation of the story excited
in his countrymen.
860. — In the Late American War, a New
York trader was chased by a small French priva-
teer, and having four guns with plenty of small
arms, it was agreed to stand a brush with the
enemy rather than be taken prisoners. Among
several other passengers was an athletic quaker,
who, though he withstood every solicitation to
lend a hand, as being contrary to his religious
tenets, kept walking backwards and forwards on
the deck, without any apparent fear, the enemy
all the time pouring in their shot. At length
the vessels having approached close to each other,
a disposition to board was manifested by the
French, which was very soon put in execution ;
and the quaker being on the lookout, unexpect-
edly sprung towards the first man that jumped
on board, and, grappling him forcibly by the
collar, coolly said, " Friend, thou hast no busi-
ness here," at the same time hoisting him over
the ship's side.
861. — Dr. Brocklesby had been sent for to
attend the Duchess of Richmond's woman, who
was so ill as to be confined to her bed. In the
hall he was met by the duke's valet, who was the
24 JOE MILLER
woman's husband, and who either by nature or
locality was as warm a politician as the Doctor.
Public affairs being then peculiarly critical, they
became so interested in debate, that the patient
was little thought of as they ascended stairs, nor
did the conversation relax when they reached the
sick woman's chamber. In short, they both
quitted the room, returned downstairs, and the
Doctor quitted Richmond-house, without either
of them being aware that they had neither looked
at the patient nor spoken to her, or of her.
862. — The Celebrated Bubb Doddington,
was very lethargic. Falling asleep one da} 7
after dinner with Sir Richard Temple and Lord
Cobham, the general, the latter reproached
Doddington with his drowsiness. Doddington
denied having been asleep ; and to prove he had
not, offered to repeat all Lord Cobham had been
saying. Cobham challenged him to do so.
Doddington repeated a story, and Lord Cobham
owned he had been telling it. " And yet," said
Doddington, " I did not hear a word of it ; but
I went to sleep because I knew that about this
time of day you would tell that story."
863. — It is recorded to the honour of our
Edward the Third, that one day, having laid
down upon a couch, one of his domestics, who
did not know that he was in the chamber, came
softly into it, and stole some money out of a
chest he found open, which the king let him carry
off without saying a word. Presently after, the
boy returned to make a second attempt: at this
JOE MILLER 25
the king called out to him, without any violence
of passion, " Sirrah, you had best be satisfied
with what you have got; for if my chamberlain
come and catch you, he will not only take away
what you have stolen, but also whip you se-
verely." The chamberlain came in at this in-
stant, and seizing the money, fell into a great
rage ; but the king calmly said, " Tut, man, be
content ; the chest should not have been left open ;
the temptation was too strong for the poor
youth : he perhaps wanted money more than we
do, and there is, you see, enough left for us ! "
864. — When the Eare of Ceancarty was
captain of a man-of-war, and was cruising on the
coast of Guinea, he happened to lose his chap-
lain by a fever, on which the lieutenant, who was
a Scotchman, gave him notice of it, saying, at
the same time, " that he was sorry to inform him
that he died a Roman Catholic." — " Well, so
much the better," said his lordship. " Oot, oot,
my lord, how can you say so of a British clergy-
man? "— " Why," said his lordship, " because I
believe I am the first captain of a man-of-war
that could boast of having a chaplain who had
any religion at all."
865.- — Diogenes, visiting Plato at his villa,
and perceiving that the floors were beautifully
spread with carpets of the richest wool and finest
dye, stamping his foot in sardonic scorn, he ex-
claimed, " Thus do I tread on the pride of
Plato ! " — " With greater pride," mildly replied
Plato.
26 JOE MILLER
866. — Yoiture having satirized a nobleman
who was powerful at court, the latter sought
every occasion to revenge himself, and challenged
Voiture to fight him with swords. " We are not
equals," replied tlie poet ; "you are very great,
I am little ; you are brave, I am cowardly ; you
wish to kill me — eh bien; I will consider myself
as dead." This timely jest turned the anger of
the nobleman into irrestrainable laughter, and
the}^ parted good friends.
867. — In the time of the old court, the faces
of the Parisian ladies were spotted with patches
like pards, and plastered with rouge like so many
red lions of the road-side. Lord Chesterfield
being at Paris, was asked by Voltaire if he did
not think some French ladies, then in company,
whose cheeks were fashionably tinted, very beau-
tiful, " Excuse me," said Chesterfield, " from
giving an opinion: I am really no judge of
paintings."
868. — Lord Chancellor Hardwick was
very fond of entertaining his visitors with the
following story of his bailiff, who, having been
ordered by his lady to procure a sow of a par-
ticular description, came one day into the dining-
room when full of company, proclaiming with a
burst of joy he could not suppress, " I have been
at Royston fair, my lady, and I have got a sow
exactly of your ladyship's size."
869. — King James II. treated Waller, the
JOE MILLER n
poet, with great kindness and familiarity. Tak-
ing him one day into his closet, the king asked
him how he liked a particular picture, which he
pointed out. " My eyes," said Waller, then at
an advanced age, " are dim, and I do not know
it." The king said it was the Princess of Orange.
" She is," said Waller, " like the greatest woman
in the world." The king asked who that was ;
and w r as answered, " Queen Elizabeth." — " I
wonder," said James, " you should think so ; but
I must confess she had a wise council." — " And,
Sire," returned Waller quickly, " did you ever
know a fool choose a wise one? "
870. — In Mr. Fox's frolicsome days, a trades-
man, who held his bill for two hundred pounds,
called for payment. Charles said he could not
then discharge it. " How can that be," said the
creditor; " you have just now lying before you
bank notes to a large amount." — " Those," re-
plied Mr. Fox, " are for paying my debts of
honour." The tradesman immediately threw
his bill into the fire. " Now, Sir," said he,
" mine is a debt of honour, which I cannot now
oblige you to pay." Charles, much to his hon-
our, instantly paid him his full demand.
871. — In the Evening of the day on which
Sir Eardley Wilmot kissed hands on being ap-
pointed chief -justice, his son, a youth of seven-
teen, attended him to his bedside. " Now," said
he, " my son, I will tell you a secret, worth know-
ing and remembering. The elevation I have
met with in life, particularly this last instance
28 JOE MILLER
of it, has not been owing to any superior merit
or abilities, but to my humility; to my not set-
ting up myself above others ; and to an uniform
endeavour to pass through life, void of offense
towards God and man." — A gentleman once
went to him, under the impression of great wrath
and indignation at a real injury he had received
from a person high in power, and which he was
meditating how to resent in the most effectual
manner. After relating the particulars, he
asked Sir Eardley if he did not think it would
be manly to resent it ? " Yes," said the christian
knight, " it will be manly to resent it, but it
will be God-like to forgive it." This had such
an effect upon the gentleman, that he came away
quite a different man, and in a very subdued tem-
per from that in which he went.
872. — Lord Waldegrave abjured the Catho-
lic religion ; he was afterwards appointed am-
bassador at Paris, and was one day teased upon
the subject of his conversion, by the Duke of
Berwick. " Pray, Mr. Ambassador," said he,
" who had most to do in your conversion — the
ministers of state, or the ministers of religion ? "
— " That is a question," said his lordship calmly,
;< you must excuse my answering, for when I
ceased to be a Catholic, I renounced confession."
873. — Fletcher, Bishop of Nismes, was the
son of a tallow-chandler. A proud duke once
endeavoured to mortify the prelate, by saying,
at the levee, that he smelt of tallow: to which
the bishop replied, " My lord, I am the son of
JOE MILLER 29
a chandler, it is true, and if your lordship had
been the same, you would have remained a tallow-
chandler all the days of your life."
874. — Lord Stanley came plainly dressed to
request a private audience of King James I., but
was refused admittance into the royal closet by
a sprucely-dressed countryman of the king's.
James hearing the altercation between the two,
came out, and inquired the cause. " My liege,"
said Lord Stanley, " this gay countryman of
yours has refused me admittance to your pres-
ence." — " Cousin," said the king, " how shall I
punish him? Shall I send him to the Tower? "
— " O no, my liege," replied Lord Stanley, " in-
flict a severer punishment — send him back to
Scotland ! "
875. — Archbishop Laud was a man of very
short stature. Charles the First and the Arch-
bishop were one day sat down to dinner, when it
was agreed that Archy, the king's jester, should
say grace for them, which he did in this fashion :
— " Great praise be given to God, but little Laud
to the devil ! " — For this sally Laud was weak
enough to insist upon Archy's dismissal.
876.— A Vacant See was to be supplied, and
the synod observed to the Emperor Peter the
Great, that they had none but ignorant men to
present to his majesty. " Well then," replied
the Czar, " you have only to pitch upon the most
honest man: he will be worth two learned ones."
877. — The Witty Lord Ross, having spent
all his money in London, set out for Ireland, in
30 JOE MILLER
order to recruit his purse. On his way, he hap-
pened to meet with Sir Murrough O'Brien, driv-
ing for the capital in a lofty phaeton, with six
prime dun-coloured horses. " Sir Murrough,"
exclaimed his lordship, " what a contrast there
is betwixt you and me? You are driving your
duns before you, but my duns are driving me
before them."
878. — Richard the First, on the Pope re-
claiming as a son of the church, a bishop whom
that king had taken prisoner in battle, sent him
the prelate's coat-of-mail, and in the words of
the scripture, asked him, " Know now whether
this be thy son's coat or not? "
879. — When the Duke of Sukly was called
upon by Louis the Thirteenth to give his advice
in some great emergency, he observed the favour-
ites of the new king whispering to one another,
and smiling at his plain and unfashionable ap-
pearance. " Whenever your Majesty's father,"
said the old warrior and statesman, " did me the
honour to consult me, he ordered the buffoons of
the court to retire into the antechamber." This
severe reproof silenced the satellites, who in-
stanty hid " their diminished heads."
880. — When James the First proposed to
some of his council this question, — " Whether he
might not take his subjects' money when he
needed it for the affairs of his government, with-
out all the formality of parliament? " Bishop
Neile replied, " God forbid you should not, for
you are the breath of our nostrils." Bishop
JOE MILLER 31
Andrews declined answering, saying, that he was
not skilled in parliamentary questiors; but upon
the king's urging him, and saying that he would
admit no evasion, the bishop replied, " Why,
then, I think your Majesty may lawfully take
my brother Neile's money, for he says you may."
881. — The Late Lord Willoughby de
Broke was a very singular character, and had
more peculiarities than any nobleman of his day.
Coming once out of the house of peers, and not
seeing his servant among those who were waiting
at the door, he called out in a very loud voice,
" Where can my fellow be? " — " Not in Europe,
my lord," said Anthony Henley, who happened
to be near him, " not in Europe."
882. — The Marquis Della Scaeas, an Ital-
ian nobleman, having invited the neighbouring
gentry to a grand entertainment, where all the
delicacies of the season were provided, some
of the company arrived very early, for the pur-
pose of paying their respects to his excellency :
soon after which, the major-domo, entering the
dining-room in a great hurry, told the marquis
that there was a most wonderful fisherman be-
low, who had brought one of the finest fish in all
Italy ; for which, however, he demanded a most
extravagant price. " Regard not his price,"
cried the marquis ; " pay him the money di-
rectly." — " So I would, please your highness,
but he refuses to take any money." — " What,
then, would the fellow have?" — "A hundred
strokes of the strappado on his bare shoulders,
3£ JOE MILLElt
my lord; he says he will not bate a single blow."
On this the whole companj^ ran down stairs, to
see so singular a man. " A fine fish ! " cried the
marquis. " What is your demand, my friend? "
— " Not a quatrini, my lord," answered the
fisherman : " I will not take money. If your
lordship wishes to have the fish, you must order
me a hundred lashes of the strappado on my
naked back ; otherwise I shall apply elsewhere."
— " Rather than lose the fish," said the marquis,
" we must e'en let this fellow have his humour.
Here ! " cried he to one of his grooms, " dis-
charge this honest man's demands, but don't lay
on too hard; don't hurt the poor devil very
much ! " The fisherman then stripped, and the
groom prepared to execute his lordship's orders.
" Now, my friend," said the fisherman, " keep an
exact account, I beseech you; for I don't desire
a single stroke more than my due." The whole
company were astonished at the amazing forti-
tude with which the man submitted to the opera-
tion, till he had received the fiftieth lash; when,
addressing himself to the servant, " Hold, my
friend," cried the fisherman ; " I have now had
my full share of the price." — " Your share? "
exclaimed the marquis; " what is the meaning of
all this? " — " My lord," returned the fisherman,
" I have a partner, to whom my honour is en-
gaged, that he shall have his full half of what-
ever I receive for the fish ; and your lordship, I
dare venture to say, will by and by own that it
would be a thousand pities to defraud him of a
JOE MILLER 33
single stroke." — " And pray, honest friend,"
said the marquis, "who is this partner?" —
" Your porter, ,my lord," answered the fisher-
man, " who keeps the outer gate, and refused to
admit me, unless I would promise him half what
I should obtain for the fish." — " Ho ! ho ! " ex-
claimed the marquis, laughing very heartily,
" by the blessing of heaven, he shall have double
his demand in full tale ! " The porter was ac-
cordingly sent for; and, being stripped to the
skin, two grooms were directed to lay on with all
their might till he had fairly received what he
was so well entitled to. The marquis then
ordered his steward to pay the fisherman twenty
sequins ; desiring him to call annually for the
like sum, as a recompense for the friendly service
he had rendered him.
883. — Mr. Pope being one night crossing the
street from Button's coffee-house, when the moon
occasionally peeped through a cloud, was ac-
costed by a link-boy with, " Light, your honour,
light, your honour ! " He repeatedly exclaimed,
" I do not want you." But the lad still following
him, he peevishly cried out, " Get about your
business, God mend me ! I will not give you a
farthing ; it's light enough." — " It's light
enough," echoed the lad, " what's light enough ?
your head or your pocket? God mend you, in-
deed ! it would be easier for God Almighty to
make two men, than mend one such as you."
884. — The Celebrated Florentine Phy-
sician, Andrea Baccio, who has been styled the
34 JOE MILLER
Italian RadclifFe, for his astonishing penetration
as to diseases, resembled that singular man, also,
in the blunt method of delivering his sentiments.
He was one day called to attend on a woman of
quality. He went, felt her pulse, and asked her
how old she was. She told him, " above four-
score." — " And how long would you live? " said
the cross physician, quitting her hand, and mak-
ing the best of his way out of her house.
885. — " Your unchristian virulence against
me," said a Huguenot who had been persecuted
for preaching, " shall cost hundreds of people
their lives." This menace brought the author
into trouble; he was cited to a court justice, and
was charged with harbouring the most bloody
designs against his fellow-subjects. " I am inno-
cent," said he, " of all you lay to my account.
My only meaning was, that I meant (since I
could not act as a minister) to practise as a phys-
ician."
886. — The Father of the Late Lord
Hard wick was hanged for forgery. When
Lord H. sat as chancellor, an old countryman
was examined as to a particular fact, the date of
which he could not recollect. " All that I re-
member about it," says he, " is, that it happened
on the day old Yorke was hanged."
887. — Judge D married the sister of
Mr. P , who killed a gentleman unfairly.
He applied to king George I. to pardon his rela-
tion, confessing at the same time, that little could
be urged in his favour; but hoped his majesty
JOE MILLER 35
would save him and his family from the infamy
of P 's execution. " So, Mr. Judge," says
the King, " what you want is, that I should
transfer the infamy from you and your family,
to me and my family."
888. — Two Tars, just landed, went to see an
old acquaintance, who keeps what they humour-
ously called a grog-shop, in a village near Ports-
mouth, the sign of the Angel. On their enter-
ing the place, they stared about for the wished-
for sign. " There it is ! " said one. " Why,
you fool," replied the other, " that's a pea-
cock." — " Who do you call fool? " retorted Ben,
"how the devil should I know the difference,
when I never saw an angel in my life."
889. — An American General, L , was
in company where there were some few Scotch.
After supper, when the wine was served up, the
general rose, and addressed the company in the
following words : — " Gentlemen, I must inform
you, that when I get a little groggish, I have an
absurd custom of railing against the Scotch, I
hope no gentleman in company will take it
amiss." With this he sat down. Up starts
M , a Scotch officer, and without seeming
the least displeased, said, " Gentlemen, I, when
I am a little groggish, and hear any person rail-
ing against the Scotch, have an absurd custom
of kicking him out of the company, I hope no
gentleman will take it amiss." It is superfluous
to add, that that night he had no occasion to ex-
ert his talents.
36 JOE MILLER
890. — Francis I., of France, being told the
people made very free with his character in their
songs, answered, " It would be hard indeed not
to allow them a song for their money."
891. — An Honest Hibernian, whose bank-
pocket (to use his own phrase) had stopped pay-
ment, was forced to the sad necessity of peram-
bulating the streets of Edingurgh two nights
together for want of a few pence to pay his lodg-
ings, when accidentally hearing a person talk of
the Lying-in Hospital, he exclaimed, " That's
the place for me ! Where is it, honey ? for I've
been laying-out these two nights past."
892. — Ariosto built for himself a small
house, which when a friend saw, he expressed an
astonishment that he, who had described such
magnificent edifices in his poem should be con-
tent with so poor a house. Ariosto aptly replied,
" Words are much easier to put together than
bricks."
893. — The Bishop of Ermeeand lost a great
portion of his revenues, in consequence of the
occupation of part of Poland by the king of
Prussia. Soon after this event, in the year 1773,
he waited on his majesty at Potsdam; when the
king asked him, if he could, after what had hap-
pened, still have any friendship for him?
" Sire ! " said the prelate, " I shall never forget
my duty, as a good subject, to my sovereign."
— " I am," replied the king, " still your very
good friend : and likewise presume much on your
friendship towards me; for, should St. Peter re-
JOE MILLER SI
fuse my entrance into Paradise, I hope you will
lave the goodness to hide me under your mantle,
and take me in along with you." — " Sire ! " re-
turned the bishop, " that will, I fear, scarcely be
possible: your majesty has cut it too short to ad-
mit of my carrying any contraband goods be-
neath it."
894. — When the great earl of Stair was am-
bassador in Holland, he made frequent entertain-
ments, to which the foreign ministers were con-
stantly invited, not excepting even France,
though hostilities were then commencing between
the two countries. In return, the French resi-
dent as constantly invited the English and
Austrian ambassadors upon the like occasions.
The French minister was a man of considerable
wit and vivacity. One day he proposed a health
in these terms : " The rising sun, my master ; "
alluding to the motto of Louis XIV., which w 7 as
pledged by the whole company. It then came to
the Baron de Riesbach's turn to give a health,
and he, in the same humour, gave " The moon
and fixed stars," in compliment to the empress
queen. When it came to the English ambass-
ador's turn, the eyes of all the company w T ere
turned upon him ; but he, no way daunted, drank
his master by the name of " Joshua the son of
Nun, who made the sun and moon to stand still."
895. — Dean Swift, whose character is w r ell
known, having dined one day at a lord mayor's
feast in Dublin, was teased by an opulent, bois-
terous, half-in'oxicated squire, who happened to
38 JOE MILLER
sit next to him : he bore the awkward raillery for
some time, and on a sudden called out, in a loud
voice, to the mayor, " My lord, here is one of
your bears at my shoulders ; I desire you will
order him to be taken off."
896. — Sir Francis used to plague Lord
N with many impertinent visits, till at last
lord N ordered his porter to deny him ad-
mittance. Sir Francis came as usual. " My lord
is not at home, Sir." — " Ah ! friend — Oh,
though ! give me leave to speak two words to —
the monkey." — Away he flew up stairs, and took
lord N unawares. The porter was scolded.
In a few days Sir Francis called again. " Is my
lcrd at home?"— "No, Sir."— " Pray what
says your clock ? My watch stands ; I must set
it right." In he went, and made a second attack
on his lordship. The porter was then told, if
ever he let Sir Francis in again, he should be
turned away. When the baronet knocked, he
half opened the door, keeping it in his hand, and,
without giving him time to speak, bawled out,
" My lord is gone out, the monkey is dead, the
clock is broke," and slapped the door full in his
face !
897. — A Gentle sprinkle of rain happening,
a plough-boy left his work, and went home ; but
his master seeing him there, told him that he
should not have left his work for so trifling an
affair, and begffed for the future he would stav
till it rained downright. A day or two after-
wards proving a very rainy day, the boy staid
JOE MILLER 39
till dusk, and being almost drowned, his master
asked him why he did not come home before.
" Why I should," says the boy, " but you zed I
shou'dn't come hoam vorc it rained downright ;
and it has not rained downright yet, for it was
aslaunt all day long."
898. — A Lady desired her butler to be saving
of an excellent tun of small beer, and asked him
how it might be preserved. " I know of no
method so effectual, my lady," says the butler,
" as placing a barrel of good ale by it."
899. — A Humourous fellow being subpoenaed
as a witness on a trial for an assault, one of the
counsel, who had been notorious for brow-beating
witnesses, asked him what distance he was from
the parties when the assault happened; he an-
swered, " Just four feet five inches and a half."
— " How come you to be so very exact, fellow ? "
said the counsel. " Because I expected some fool
or other would ask me," said he, " and so I meas-
ured it."
900. — Mr. Wesley, travelling in a stage-
coach with a young officer, who swore and d d
himself at every word, asked him if he had read
the common prayer book ; for if he had he might
remember the collect, " O God, who art ever more
ready to hear than we to pray, and art wont to
give more than either we desire or deserve." The
young man had sense enough to make the appli-
cation, and w 7 as decent the rest of the journey.
901. — Pierre Zapata, court jester to Charles
V., being one day made a butt of by his master,
40 JOE MILLER
that prince, expecting some joke in return, said
to his courtiers : — " I shall be soon paid for
this." — To which the jester replied: "Not so
soon as you imagine, sire ; I am not prompt in
paying those who are so tardy in paying
others ! " This repartee was found the more
lively, owing to Zapata and the officers of the
court not having for a long time received their
pensions.
902. — When the late Duchess of Kingston
wished to be received at the court of Berlin, she
got the Russian minister there to mention her
intention to his Prussian Majesty, and to tell
him at the same time, " That her fortune was at
Rome, her bank at Venice ; but that her heart
was at Berlin." The king replied, " I am sorry
we are only intrusted with the worst part of her
Grace's property."
903. — King William being once extremely
embarrassed about a matter of state, was ad-
vised to consult Sir Isaac Newton. " Newton,"
replied he, " Newton ! — why he is nothing but a
philosopher ! "
904. — Sir Godfrey Kneeler having painted
a whole length portrait of the Duke of Hamil-
ton, requested, that before it was sent home, his
grace would come to inspect it, and see if he
wished any alteration. The duke examined it
closely, looked serious, went to the glass and
looked at himself, then returned and looked at
the picture, and with some appearance of ill-
humour, returned to the glass. Sir Godfrey,
JOE MILLER 41
rather piqued at this strange behaviour, asked
him if anything was wrong? "Why, yes;"
said the duke, " when I look at the picture I feel
myself a man of rank ; when I return to the glass
I look like a poltroon ; however, for making me
so much better than I am, you ought to be well
paid ; here is a bank bill." — " No, my lord," re-
plied Sir Godfrey, " I will not be paid more than
once for the same picture ; you have overpaid it
already."
905. — In the time of the persecution of the
protestants in France, the English Ambassador
solicited of Louis XIV. the liberation of those
sent to the galleys on account of their religion.
" What," exclaimed the monarch, " would the
king of England say, were I to demand the lib-
eration of the prisoners in Newgate? " — " The
king, my master," replied the minister, " would
grant them to your majesty, if you claimed them
as brothers."
906. — The Duke d'Ossuna, being viceroy of
Naples, went on board a Spanish galley, on a
festival, to exercise his right of delivering one of
the wretches from punishment. On interrogat-
ing them why they were brought there, they all
asserted their innocence but one, who confessed
that his punishment was too small for his crimes.
The duke said, " Here, take away this rascal,
lest he should corrupt all these honest men ! "
907. — Peter the Great was once shewn a
parallel, in a foreign paper, between himself and
Louis XIV., in which the latter was pronounced
42 JOE MILLER
to be greatty inferior to him. "If there be any-
thing in which I may claim superiority," said
Peter, " it is, that I have been able to govern the
clergy, instead of being governed by them, as
was my brother Louis."
908. — Lord Yarmouth (now Marquis of
Hertford) visiting Spain, was shown the Escu-
rial, and the superb convent of monks of the
order of St. Hierom. The superior, who con-
ducted him, related, among other particulars,
that this vast structure had been built by Philip
the Second, to fulfil a vow he had made on the eve
of the battle of St. Quintin. His lordship, ad-
miring the immense extent of the edifice, ob-
served, " When the monarch made such a vow,
he must have been terribly frightened."
909. — The Duke de Roqueeaure meeting
a very ugly country-gentleman at court, who had
a suit to offer, presented it to the king, and
urged his request, saying, he was under the
greatest obligation to the suitor. The king
asked what were these great obligations ? " Ah,
Sire, were it not for him, I should be the ugliest
man in your Majesty's dominions!"
910. — George the First was once present at
a masked ball, where he fell into conversation
with a lady likewise masked, and with whom he
was unacquainted. The lady proposed to his
majesty to go to the sideboard to refresh them-
selves; the king consented. They were served
with wine : — " To the health of the Pretender,"
said the lady. " With all my heart," replied the
JOE MILLER 43
generous Monarch ; " I drink willingly to the
health of all unfortunate princes!"
911. — When Buonaparte, then First Con-
sul for life, wished to take the title of Emperor,
his brother Lucien opposed himself to the proj-
ect with all his power — " Your ambition knows
no bounds," exclaimed he ; " you are master of
France, you wish to be master of all Europe.
Do you know what the result will be? You wiSj
be smashed to pieces like this watch," — flinging
his watch violently on the floor.
912. — At a Dinner Party at the Duke of
Ormond's, in 1715, Sir William Wyndham, in a
jocular dispute about short prayers, told the
company, among whom was Bishop Atterbury,
that the shortest prayer he had ever heard
was that of a common soldier just before the
battle of Blenheim : — " O God, if there be a God,
save my soul, if I have a soul." This was fol-
lowed by a general laugh. Atterbury seemed to
join in the conversation, and applying himself
to Sir William Wyndham, said, " Your prayer,
Sir William, is indeed very short ; but I remember
another as short, but much better, offered up
likewise by a poor soldier in the same circum-
stances — " O God, if in the day of battle I for-
get thee, do not thou forget me!"
913. — Lord Albemarle being at Aix-la-
Chapelle, wished not to be known, and desired
his Negro servant, in case he should be asked
about him, to say that his master was a French-
man. The Negro was at last questioned on that
U JOE MILLER
head, and answered, " My master is a French-
man, and so am I."
914i. — One of Cromwell's Grand-daugh-
ters was remarkable for her vivacity and hu-
mour. One summer, being in company at Tun
bridge Wells, a gentleman having taken great
offence at some sarcastic observation she made,
intending to insult her, said, " You need not
give yourself such airs, madam; you know } T our
grandfather was hanged." — To which she in-
stantly replied, " But not till he was dead."
915. — Bautru, a celebrated French wit, being
in Spain, went to visit the famous librarv of the
Escurial, where he found a very ignorant librar-
ian. The king of Spain interrogated him re-
specting it. " J Tis an admirable one, indeed,"
said he ; " but your majesty should give the man
who has the care of it the administration of your
finances." — "Wherefore?" asked the king.
" Because," replied Bautru, " the man never
touches the treasure that is confided to him."
916. — A Certain Witty Physician, but
whose humour occasionally verged on buffoon-
ery, was to dine one day at the table of the Elec-
tor of . This prince, anxious to divert him-
self by embarrassing the doctor, ordered that no
spoon should be given him ; soup was served up,
and the Elector invited him to partake of it,
which he declined as well as he could ; but the
prince, in order to deprive him of all pretext,
said : " Eh ! a rogue that won't cat soup ! " —
At this threat, the doctor took up a roll, hoi-
JOE MILLER 45
lowed it by taking out the crumb, stuck it on the
end of a fork, and used it as a spoon ! — The
guests looked at each other, the prince acknowl-
edged himself beaten, and the doctor's imagina-
tion diverted every one.
917. — King James I., made a progress to
Chester in 1617, and was attended by a great
number of the Welsh, who came out of curiosity
to see him. The weather was very warm, the
roads dusty, and the king almost suffocated. He
did not know how to get civilly rid of them, when
one of his attendants, putting his head out of the
coach, said, " It is his majesty's wish, that those
who are the best gentlemen shall ride forwards,"
Away scampered the Welsh gentry at full gal-
lop : one, however, was left behind — " And so,"
said the king to him, " you are not a gentleman,
then? " — " Oh yes, and please your majesty, hur
is as goot a gentleman as the rest ; but hur horse,
Cot help hur, is not so goot."
918. — The employment of Bonaparte's con-
fidential secretaries w T as, of all kinds of slavery,
the least supportable. Day and night it was
necessary to be on the spot. Sleep, meals, health,
fatigue, nothing was regarded. A minute's ab-
sence would have been a crime. Friends, pleas-
ures, public amusements, promenades, rest, all
must be given up. The Baron de Maineval, and
the Baron Fain, knew this by hard experience ;
but at the same time they enjoyed his boundless
confidence, the most implicit reliance on their dis-
cretion, and a truly royal liberality; they both
46 JOE MILLER
deserved his confidence. One day at two o'clock
the Emperor went out to hunt : " He will prob-
ably, as usual, be absent four hours," Maineval
calculates : it is his father's jour-de-fete : he may
surely venture to leave the palace for a short
time. He has bought a little villa, and is desir
ous to present it to his beloved father, and to
give him the title-deeds. He sets out, the whole
family is collected, he is warmly greeted, they
see him so seldom ! The present is given, the
joy increases, dinner is ready, and he is pressed
to stop : he refuses, " The Emperor may return
and ask for me." — " Oh, he won't be angry —
you are never away." The entreaties redouble :
at last he yields, and time flies swiftly when we
are surrounded by those we love. In the mean-
time the Emperor returns, even sooner than
usual. He enters his cabinet. — " Maineval ! let
him be called." They seek him in vain. Na-
polean grows impatient — " Well, Maineval ! " —
They fear to tell him that he is absent, but at last
it is impossible to conceal it. At length Maine-
val returns. — " The Emperor has inquired for
you ; he is angry." — " All is lost ! " said Maine-
val to himself. He makes up his mind, however,
and presents himself: his reception was terrible.
— " Where do you come from? go about your
business ! " exclaimed Napoleon : " I do not want
men who neglect their duty." Maineval, trem-
bling, retires; he did not sleep all night; he saw
his hopes deceived, his services lost, his fortune
missed — it was a dreadful night. Day at length
JOE MILLER 47
came ; he reflected " He did not give me a formal
dismission." — He dressed himself, and at the
usual hour went to the Emperor's cabinet. Some
minutes after Napoleon enters, looks at him with-
out speaking, writes a note, rises, and walks
about. Maincval continues the task he has in
hand without lifting up his eyes. Napoleon,
with his hands behind his back, stops before him,
and abruptly asks — " What ails you? — Are you
ill?" — "No, Sire," timidly replies Maineval,
rising up to answer. — " Sit down, you are ill ;
I don't like people to tell me falsehoods ; I in-
sist on knowing." — " Sire, the fear of having
forfeited the kindness of your majesty deprived
me of sleep." — " Where were you then yester-
day ? " — Maineval told him the motive of his
absence — " I thought this little property would
gratify my father." — " And where did you
get the money to buy this house? " — " Sire,
I had saved it out of the salary your majesty
condescends to assign me." — Napoleon, after
having looked on him steadily for a few minutes,
said, " Take a slip of paper and write, ' The
treasurer of my civil list will pay the bearer the
sum of eighty thousand francs.' " — He took the
draft and signed it. — " There, put that in your
pocket, and now let us set about our regular
business."
919. — Sir Henry Sidney was the virtuous
and brave father of a still more renowned son,
Sir Philip Sidney. He once said to a friend of a
fretful and querulous temper, with all the sen-
48 JOE MILLER
tentiousness and wisdom of the philosophers of
old, " Take from me, Sir, this maxim : a weak
man complains of others, an unfortunate man
complains of himself, but a wise man complains
neither of others nor of himself."
920. — Zimmerman, who was very eminent as
a physician, went from Hanover to attend Fred-
erick the Great in his last illness. One day the
king said to him, " You have, I presume, Sir,
helped many a man into another world? " This
was rather a bitter pill for the doctor; but the
dose he gave the king in return was a judicious
mixture of truth and flattery : " Not so many as
your majesty, nor with so much honour to my-
self."
921. — A Spanish Ambassador one day en-
tered rather unexpectedly into a room in which
Henry IV. was discovered on all-fours, with his
little son upon his back. The king stopped, and
looking earnestly at the ambassador, said to him,
"Pray, Sir, have }^ou any children?" — "Yes,
Sire, several." — " Well, then, I shall complete
my round ; " and he immediately set off on hands
and knees again, till both boy and father were
tired with the sport.
922. — Admiral Montague once addressed a
wretched little chimney-sweeping boy, who had
been sweeping his chimneys—" Suppose now I
give you a shilling? " — " God bless your honour,
and thank you ! " said the forlorn boy. " And
what if I give you a fine tye-wig to wear on May-
day, which is just at hand? " — " Ah, bless your
JOE MILLER 49
honour ! my master won't let me out on May-day
— he says it's low life."
923. — At a Grand Review by George III.
of the Portsmouth fleet in 1789, there was a boy
who mounted the shrouds with so much agility,
as to surprise every spectator. The king par-
ticularly noticed it, and said to Lord Lothian,
" Lothian, I have heard much of your agility ;
let us see you run up after that boy." — " Sire,"
replied Lord Lothian, " it is my duty to follow
your majesty "
924. — A French Ambassador at an audience
with James I. conversed with such rapidity, ges-
ticulation, and grimace, as excited the wonder
and conversation of the court. James after-
wards asked Lord Chancellor Bacon, what he
thought of the ambassador. " Sire," replied the
philosopher, " he appears a fine, tall, well-built
man." — " I mean," interrupted the king, " what
do you think of his head? Is it equal to his
employ?" — "Sire," answered Bacon, "men of
high stature very often resemble houses of four
or five stories, where the upper one is always
the worst furnished."
925. — Frederick the Great rang one day,
and nobody answered. He opened the door, and
found the page sleeping on a sofa. About to
wake him, he perceived the end of a billet out of
his pocket, and had the curiosity to know the
contents: Frederick carefully drew it out, and
read it; it was a letter from the mother of the
young man, who thanked him for having sent
50 JOE MILLER
her part of his wages, to assist her in her dis-
tress ; and it concluded by beseeching God to
bless him for his filial goodness. The king re-
turned softly to his room, took a roller of ducats,
and slid them, with the letter, into the page's
pocket; and then returning to his apartment,
rung so violently, that the page came running
breathlessly to know what had happened. " You
have slept well," said the king. The page made
an apology, and, in his embarrassment, he hap-
pened to put his hand into his pocket, and felt
with astonishment the roller. He drew it out,
turned pale, and looking at the king, burst into
tears, without being able to speak a word.
" What is the matter ? " said the king, " what
ails you? " — " Ah, Sire," answered the youth,
throwing himself at his feet, " somebody would
wish to ruin me ; I know not how I came by this
money in my pocket." — " My friend," said
Frederick, " God often s°nds us good in our
sleep. Send this to your mother. Salute her in
my name, and assure her I shall take care of her
and of you."
926. — " Mademoiselle," said Louis XV. to
a young lady belonging to his court, " I am as-
sured that you are very learned, and understand
four or five continental languages." — " I know
only two, sire'," answered she, trembling. —
"Which are they ? " — " English and Italian."
— "Do you speak them fluently?" — Yes, sire,
very fluently." — " That is quite enough to drive
a husband mad ! "
JOE MILLER 51
927. — A Lady had a tame bird which she was
in the habit of letting out of its cage every day.
One morning as it was picking crumbs of bread
off the carpet, her cat, who always before showed
gnat kindness for the bird, seized it on a sudden,
and jumped with it in her mouth upon a table.
The lady was much alarmed for the fate of her
favourite, but, on turning about, instantly dis-
cerned the cause. The door had been left open,
and a strange cat had just come into the room!
After turning it out, her own cat came down
from her place of safety, and dropped the bird
without doing it the smallest injury.
928. — In the Year 1765, one Carr, a water-
man, having laid a wager that he and his dog
would both leap from the centre arch of West-
minster bridge, and land at Lambeth within a
minute of each other; he jumped off first, and
the dog immediately followed; but not being in
the secret, and fearing his master should be
drowned, the dog laid hold of him by the neck,
and dragged him on shore to the no small diver-
sion of the spectators.
929. — The Laird of M'N b was writing
to one of his Dulcineas from an Edinburgh
coffee-house, when a gentleman of his acquaint-
ance observed that he was setting at defiance the
laws of orthography and grammar. " D — n
your blood ! " exclaimed the Highland chieftain,
" how can a man write grammar with a pen like
this?"
930. — Shexstone was one day walking
52 JOE MILLER
through his romantic retreat in company with
his Delia (her real name was Wilmot) when a
man rushed out of a thicket, and presenting a
pistol to his breast, demanded his money. Shen-
stone was surprised, and Delia fainted.
" Money," said the robfeer, " is not worth strug-
gling for; you cannot be poorer than I am." —
" Unhappy man ! " exclaimed Shenstone, throw-
ing his purse to him, " take it and fly as quick as
possible." The man did so, threw his pistol in
the water, and instantly disappeared. Shen-
stone ordered his foot-boy to follow the robber,
and observe where he went. In two hours the
boy returned, and informed his master that he
followed him to Halesowen, where he lived ; that
he went to the door of his house, and peeping
through the key-hole, saw the man throw the
purse on the ground, and say to his wife, " Take
the dear-bought price of my honesty ; " then
taking two of his children, one on each knee, he
said to them, " I have ruined my soul to keep you
from starving ; " and immediately burst into a
flood of tears. Shenstone, on hearing this, lost
no time in inquiring the man's character, and
found that he was a labourer oppressed by want,
and a numerous family ; but had the reputation
of being honest and industrious. Shenstone
went to his house ; the poor man fell at his feet,
and implored mercy. The poet took him home
with him, and provided him with employment.
931. — George III. in his walks about his
farms, was often alone, and many pleasant little
JOE MILLER 53
incidents occurred on meeting with rustics, to
whom he was sometimes unknown. One day he
had to pass through a narrow hedge-gate, on
which sat a young clown, who showed no readi-
ness in moving. " Who are you, boy ? " said
the king. "I be a pig boy," answered he.
" Where do you come from? Who do you work
for here ? " — " I be from the low country ; out
of work at present." — " Don't they want lads
here? " said the king. " I doan't know," re-
joined the boy, " all belongs hereabouts to
Georgy." — " Pray," said his Majesty, " who is
Georgy f " — " lie be the king, and lives at the
Castle, but he does no good for me." His Maj-
esty, immediately gave orders at his farm hard
by, to have the boy employed ; and when he saw
him, told him to be a steady lad, and " Georgy "
might do some good for him.
932. — In one of the excursions of George III.
during the hay harvest in the neighbourhood of
Weymouth, he passed a field where only one
woman was at work. His Majesty asked her
where the rest of her companions were? The
woman answered, they are gone to see the king.
" And why did you not go with them? " rejoined
his Majesty. " I would not give a pin to see
him," replied the woman ; " besides, the fools
that have gone to town will lose a day's work
by it, and that is more than I can afford to do.
I have five children to work for," &c. " Well,
then," said his Majesty, putting some money
into her hands, " you may tell your companions
54 JOE MILLER
who are gone to see the king, that the king came
to see you."
933. — In the Famous Trial of the Dean of
Asaph, Mr. Erskine put a question to the jury,
relative to the meaning of their verdict. Mr.
Justice Buller objected to its propriety. The
counsel reiterated his question, and demanded an
answer. The judge again interposed his au-
thority in these emphatic words: "Sit down,
Mr. Erskine ; know your duty, or I shall be
obliged to make you know it." Mr. Erskine
with equal warmth replied, " I know my duty as
well as your lordship knows your duty. I stand
here as the advocate of a fellow-citizen, and I
will not sit down." The judge was silent, and
the advocate persisted in his question.
934. — Admiral Lord Howe, when a captain,
was once hastily awakened in the middle of the
night by the lieutenant of the watch, who in-
formed him with great agitation that the ship
was on fire near the magazine. " If that be the
case," said he, rising leisurely to put on his
clothes, " we shall soon know it." The lieutenant
flew back to the scene of danger, and almost in-
stantly returning, exclaimed, " You need not,
Sir, be afraid, the fire is extinguished." —
" Afraid," exclaimed Howe, " what do you
mean by that, Sir? I never was afraid in my
life ; " and looking the lieutenant full in the face,
he added, " Pray, how does a man feel, Sir, when
he is afraid? I need not ask how he looks."
935. — In Earl Howe's Engagement with
JOE MILLER 55
the French fleet, on the 1st of June, 1794, the
Marlborough, by intrepidly breaking the en-
emy's line, became totally dismasted, and in that
situation dropped with her stern on the bows of
a French eighty-four, whose bowsprit came over
the Marlborough's poop. The Frenchmen were
preparing to board, though with evident reluc-
tance, when an English sailor of the name of
Appleford, to be beforehand with them, mounted
their bowsprit, and with his cutlass boldly leaped
upon their forecastle, which he not only took
possession of, but forced his adversaries to fly
for safety to the waist of the ship. A French
officer, observing the uncommon behaviour of the
British tar, rushed from the quarter-deck, to re-
proach so many of his men for running away
from one; and to convince them of his own
honour, instantly made an attack upon Apple-
ford, who, however, was fortunate enough to con-
quer him. His situation by this time becoming
extremely dangerous, he thought it best to effect
his retreat, as he was not at that time assisted
on the spot by any of his countrymen ; with this
intention he again mounted the bowsprit, and
by courageously springing from it, reached the
poop-deck of his o*vn ship at the moment when
the vessels were drifting from each other. —
During the confusion of the battle, the Marl-
borough was taken by several English ships for
a Frenchman, more particularly so, as the whole
of her colours had been shot away, but one white
ensign which was then hoisted. This circum-
56 JOE MILLER
stance occasioned much destruction from the fire
of those ships which fell into the mistake. At
length the solitary ensign was also shot away ;
and by this circumstance, the honour of Old
England for a moment appeared to suffer.
From the impossibility of replacing the colours,
it seemed as if the ship had struck to the French,
an idea which operated so strongly on the mind
of Appleford, that he loudly exclaimed, " The
English colours shall never be dous'd where I
am ! " Then casting his eyes round the deck,
he perceived the dead body of a marine, who had
been shot through the head ; he instantly stripped
off his red coat, stuck it on a boarding pike, and
exalted it in the air, swearing that the English-
men would not desert their colours, and that when
all the red coats were gone, they would hoist
blue jackets. The singularity of such conduct
infused fresh spirit into the hardy sons of Nep-
tune, and they bravely fought till the glorious
moment when the terrific struggle ended in vic-
tory.
936. — When Rochelle was Besieged by
the Royalist armies in 1627, the inhabitants
elected for their Mayor, Captain, and Governor,
Jean Guiton. This brave man at first modestly
refused the office ; but being pressed by all his
fellow townsmen, he took up a poignard and
said, " I will be mayor since you wish it, but on
on the condition that I may be permitted to strike
this poignard to the heart of the first who speaks
of surrendering. I consent that you shall do
JOE MILLER 57
the same to me, if I mention capitulating; and
1 demand that this poignard lie always read} 7
on the table, when we assemble in the Town
House." Cardinal de Richelieu, who conducted
tlic operations of the siege, had raised a mole
before the gate of the city, which shut up the
entrance, and prevented provisions from reach-
ing it. Someone saying to Guiton that many
of the people had perished of hunger, and that
death would soon sweep away all the inhabitants :
" Well," said he coolly, " it will be sufficient if
one remains to shut the gates."
957. — The Spirit of Litigation was, per-
haps, never carried to a greater extent, than in
the cause between two eminent potters of Hand-
ley Green, Staffordshire, for a sum of two
pounds, nine shillings, and one penny. After
being in chancery eleven years, from 1749 to
1760, it was put an end to by John Morton
and Randle Wilbraham, Esquires, to whom it
was referred; when they determined that the
complainant filed his bill without any cause, and
that he was indebted to the defendant at the
same time the sum for which he had brought this
action. This they awarded him to pay, with a
thousand guineas of costs !
938. — The Longest Suit on record in Eng-
land, is one which existed between the heirs of
Sir Thomas Talbot, Viscount Lisle, and the heir.s
of a Lord Berkeley, respecting some property in
the county of Gloucester, not far from Wotton-
under-Edge. It began at the end of the reign
58 JOE MILLER
of Edward the Fourth, and was pending until
the beginning of that of James the First, when
it was finally compounded, being a period of not
less than one hundred and twenty years !
939. — " I Have always remarked," says the
celebrated traveller Ledyard, " that women in all
countries are civil, obliging, tender, and hu-
mane. To a woman, whether civilized or savage,
I never addressed myself in the language of de-
„»cency and friendship, without receiving a decent
and friendly answer. With man, it has often
been otherwise. In wandering over the barren
plains of inhospitable Denmark; through honest
Sweden, and frozen Lapland : rude and churlish
Finland ; unprincipled Russia ; and the wide-
spread regions of the wandering Tartar, if hun-
gry, dry, cold, wet, or sick, the women have ever
been friendly to me, and uniformly so ; and to
add to this virtue (so worthy the appellation of
bnevolence), these actions have been performed
in so free and kind a manner, that if I was dry,
I drank the sweetest draught; and if hungry I
ate the coarsest morsel with a double relish."
940. — When Admiral Cornwallis com-
manded the Canada, a mutiny broke out in the
ship, on account of some accidental delay in the
clerks paying some of the crew, in consequence
of which they signed what is termed a round
rcbin, wherein they declared, to a man, that they
would not fire a gun till they were paid. Cap-
tain Cornwallis, on receiving; this declaration,
caused all hands to be called upon deck, and thus
JOE MILLER 59
addressed them : " My lads, the money cannot
be paid till we return to port, and as to your no':
fighting, that is mere nonsense: — I'll clap you
alongside the first large ship of the enemy I sec,
and i know that the devil himself will not be able
to keep you from it." The tars were so pleased
with this compliment that they returned to their
duty, better satisfied than if they had been paid
the money ten times over.
941. — The late Earl of Pembroke, who
had many good qualities, but always persisted
inflexibly in his own opinion, which, as well as
his conduct, was very often singular, thought of
an expedient to prevent the exhortations and im-
portunities of those about him. This was to
feign himself deaf; and under pretence of hear-
ing very imperfectly, he would always form his
answer not by what was really said to him, but
by what he desired to have said. Among other
servants was one who had lived with him from
a child, and served him with great fidelity and
affection, till at length he became his coachman.
This man by degrees got a habit of drinking,
for which his lady often desired that he might
be dismissed. My lord always answered, " Yes,
indeed, John is an excellent servant." — " I say,"
replied the lady, " that he is continually drunk,
and desire that he may be turned off." — " Aye,"
said his lordship, " he has lived with me from a
child, and, as you say, a trifle of wages should
not part us." John, however, one evening, as he
was driving from Kensington, overturned his
60 JOE MILLER
lady in Hyde Park ; she was not much hurt, but
when she came home, she began to rattle the earl.
" Here," says she, " is that beast John, so drunk
that he can scarcely stand ; he has overturned
the coach, and if he is not discharged, may break
our necks." — " Aye," says my lord, " is poor
John sick? Alas, I am sorry for him." — " I
am complaining," says my lady, " that he is
drunk, and has overturned me." — " Aye," an-
swered his lordship, " to be sure he has behaved
very well, and shall have proper advice." My
lady, finding it hopeless to remonstrate, went
aA\ ay in a pet ; and my lord having ordered John
into his presence, addressed him very coolly in
these words : " John, you know I have a regard
for you, and as long as you behave well you shall
be taken care of in my family : my lady tells me
you are taken ill, and indeed I see that you can
hardly stand ; go to bed, and I will take care
that you have proper advice." John, being thus
dismissed, was taken to bed, where, by his lord-
ships's order, a large blister was put upon his
head, another between his shoulders, and sixteen
ounces of blood taken from his arm. John
found himself next morning in a woful plight,
and was soon acquainted with the w r hole process,
and the reason upon which it was commenced.
He had no remedy, however, but to submit, for
he would rather have incurred as many more
blisters than lose 1 lis place. My lord sent very
formally twice a day to know how lie was, mid
frequently congratulated my lady upon John's
JOE MILLER 61
recovery, whom he directed to be fed only with
water-gruel, and to have no company but an old
nurse. In about a week, John having constantly
sent word that he was well, my lord thought fit
to understand the messenger, and said, " that he
was extremely glad to hear that the fever had
left him, and desired to see him." When John
came in, " Well, John," says he, " I hope this
bout is over." — " Ah, my lord," says John, " I
humbly ask your lordship's pardon, and I prom-
ise never to commit the same fault again." —
" A}'e, aye," says my lord, " you arc right, no-
body can prevent sickness, and if you should be
sick again, John, I shall sec it, though perhaps
you should not complain, and I promise you
shall always have the same advice, and the same
attendance that you have had now." — " God
bless your lordship," says John, " I hope there
will be no need." — " So do I, too," said his lord-
ship, " but as long as you do your duty to me,
never fear, I shall do mine to you."
942. — When that great statesman, Lord
Chatham, had settled a plan for some sea expedi-
tion he had in view, he sent orders to Lord Anson
to sec the necessary arrangements taken imme-
diately, and the number of ships required, prop-
erly fitted out by a given time. On the receipt
of the orders, Mr. Cleveland was sent from the
Admiralty to remonstrate on the impossibility of
obeying them. He found his lordship in the
most excruciating pain, from one of the most
severe fits of the gout he had ever experienced.
62 JOE MILLER
" Impossible, Sir," said he, " don't talk to me of
impossibilities : " and then raising himself upon
his legs, while the sweat stood in large drops upon
his forehead, and every fibre of his body was con-
vulsed with agony. " Go, Sir, and tell his lord-
ship, that he has to do with a minister who act-
ually treads upon impossibilities."
943. — Dr. Goldsmith, sitting one evening
at the tavern where he was accustomed to take
his supper, called for a mutton chop, which was
no sooner placed on the table, than a gentleman
near him, with whom he was intimately ac-
quainted, showed great tokens of uneasiness, and
wondered how the Doctor could suffer the waiter
to place such a stinking chop before him.
" Stinking! " said Goldsmith, " in good troth I
do not smell it." — " I never smelled anything so
unpleasant in my life," answered the gentleman ;
" the fellow deserves a caning for bringing you
meat unfit to eat." — " In good troth," said the
poet, relying on his judgment, " I think so too;
but I will be less severe in my punishment." He
instantly called the waiter, and insisted that he
should eat the chop as a punishment. The
waiter resisted ; but the Doctor threatened to
knock him down with his cane if he did not im-
mediately comply. When he had eaten half th^
chop, the Doctor gave him a glass of wine, think-
ing that it would make the remainder of the sen-
tence less painful to him. When the waiter had
finished his repast, Goldsmith's friend burst into
a loud laugh. " What ails you now? " said the
JOE MILLER
63
poet. — " Indeed, my good friend," said the
other, " I could never think that a man whose
knowledge of letters is so extensive as yours,
could be so great a dupe to a stroke of humour ;
the chop was as fine a one as ever I saw in my
life."—" Was it? " said Dr. Goldsmith, " then I
will never give credit to what you say again ;
and so, in good troth, I think I am even with
you." What a truly mortifying answer must
this have been, if the heart of his acquaintance
was not callous to reproof.
944. — A Loving Husband once waited on a
physician to request him to prescribe for his
wife's eyes, which were very sore. " Let her
wash them," said the doctor, " every morning
with a small glass of brandy." A few weeks
after, the doctor chanced to meet the husband. —
" Well, my friend, has your wife followed my
advice? " — " She has done everything in her
power to do it, doctor," said the spouse, " but she
never could get the glass higher than her
mouth."
945. — After the Battee of Culloden, in
the year 1745, a reward of thirty thousand
pounds was offered to any one who should dis-
cover or deliver up the young Pretender. He
had taken refuge with the Kennedies, two com-
mon thieves, who protected him with the great-
est fidelity, robbed for his support, and often
went in disguise to Inverness to purchase pro-
visions for him. A considerable time after-
wards, one of these men, who had resisted the
64 JOE MILLER
temptation of thirty thousand pounds from a
regard to his honour, was hanged for stealing
a cow of the value of thirty shillings.
946. — When George I. succeeded to the
throne of England, he brought over with him
from Hanover his cook, to whom he was ex-
tremely partial. After some stay at St. James's,
the cook grew melancholy, and wanted leave to
return home to Hanover. The king being in-
formed of this, desired to see him ; and when the
cook came into his presence, he asked him why
he wished to leave his service. The cook replied :
" I have long lerved your majesty with diligence
and honesty, and never suffered any of your
property to be embezzled in your kitchen; but
here the dishes no sooner come from the table
than one steals a fowl, another a pig, a third
takes a joint of meat, a fourth a pie, and so on,
till the whole is gone ; and I cannot bear to see
your majesty so injured." The king laughed
heartily, and said, " My revenues here are suffi-
cient to enable me to bear these things, and there-
fore, to reconcile you to your place, do you steal
as well as the rest, and mind that you take
enough." The ccok followed his master's ad-
vice, and in a short time became more expert than
his fellow-servants.
947. — John Hoene Tooke's opinion upon
the subject of law was admirable. " Law," he
said, " ought to be, not a luxury for the rich,
but a remedy, to be easily, cheaply, and speedily
obtained by the poor." A person observed to
JOE MILLER 65
him, how excellent are the English laws, because
they are impartial, and our courts of justice are
open to all persons without distinction. " And
so," said Tooke, " is the London Tavern, to such
as can afford to pay for their entertainment."
943. — General Wolfe invited a Scotch offi-
cer to dine with him : the same day he was also
invited by some brother officers. " You must
excuse me," said he to them : " I am already en-
gaged to Wolfe." — A smart young ensign ob-
served, he might as well have expressed himself
with more respect, and said General Wolfe. —
" Sir," said the Scotch officer, with great
promptitude, " we never say General Alexander,
or General Caesar." Wolfe, who was within
hearing, by a low bow to the Scotch officer,
acknowledged the pleasure he felt at the high
compliment.
949. — While Commodore Anson's Ship, the
Centurion, was engaged in close fight with the
rich Spanish galleon, which he afterwards took,
a sailor came running to him, and cried out,
" Sir, our ship is on fire very near the powder
magazine." — " Then pray, friend," said the
commodore, not in the least degree discomposed,
" run back and assist in putting it out."
950. — " Madam," said the keeper at the gate
of Kensington Gardens, " I cannot permit you
to take your dog into the garden." — " Don't
you see, my good friend," said the lady, putting
a couple of shillings into the keeper's hand,
" that it is a cat, and not a dog? " — " Madam,"
66 JOE MILLER
said the keeper, instantly softening the tone of
his voice, " I beg your pardon for my mistake ;
I now see clearly, by the aid of the pair of spec-
tacles you have been so good as to give me, that
it is a cat, and not a dog."
951. — The Americans are so inquisitive, that
Dr. Franklin tells us, when he travelled in Amer-
ica, and wished to ask his road, he found it neces-
sary to save time by prefacing his question with
— " My name is Benjamin Franklin — I am by
trade a printer; I am come from such a place,
and am going to such a place ; and now tell me
which is my road."
952. — Eewes, the noted miser, used to say,
" if you keep one servant, your work is done ; if
you keep two, it is half done; and if you keep
three, you may do it yourself."
953. — The Expression of Garrick's Eyes,
and the flexibility of his features, are well known
to have given him the most extraordinary advan-
tages in the representation of various characters.
He sometimes availed himself of these natural
assistances, to produce a ludicrous scene among
his friends. He frequently visited Mr. Rigby,
of Misley Thorn, in Essex. Mr. Rigby one day
inquired of his servant, what company was ar-
rived. The servant sa : d, Lord M was come,
and had brought with him a short gentleman
with very bright eyes, meaning Mr. Garrick.
" Why have I not the pleasure of seeing them
here? " said Mr. Rigby. — " I don't know," said
the servant, " how long it will be before my lord
JOE MILLER 67
can make his appearance; for the case is rliis :
the barber came to shave his lordship; and
just as he had shaved half his lordship's face,
the short gentleman with the bright eyes began
to read the newspaper to him ; but he read it
in such a droll way, and made so many odd faces,
that my lord laughed, and the barber laughed,
and when I went into the room I could not help
laughing too ; so that, Sir, if you don't send for
the short gentleman, his lordship must appear
at dinner with one side of his face smooth, and
the other with a beard of two days' growth."
954. — Dr. Johnson insisted upon the neces-
sity of the subordination of rank in society.
" Sir," said he to Mr. Boswell, " there is one Mrs.
Macauley in this town, a great republican. One
day, when I was at her house, I put on a very
grave countenance, and said, ' Madam, I am be-
come a convert to your system. To give you
a decisive proof I am in earnest, here is a very
sensible, well-behaved fellow-citizen, your foot-
man, I desire that he may be allowed to sit down
and dine with us.' She has never liked me since
this proposal. Your levellers wish to level down
as far as themselves, but they cannot bear level-
ling up to themselves."
955. — As Charles XII. of Sweden was dic-
tating a letter to his secretary during the siege
of Stralsund, a bomb fell through the roof into
the next room in the house where they were sit-
ting. The terrified secretary let the pen drop
from his hand. " What is the matter? " said
68 JOE MILLER
Charles, calmly. The secretary replied, " Ah,
sire, the bomb ! " — " But what has the bomb to
do," said Charles, " with what I am dictating to
3 T ou? — go on."
956. — A Fellow, walking down Holborn-
hill on a sultry summer evening, observed an old
gentleman, without his hat, panting and leaning
upon a post, and courteously asked him what
was the matter? " Sir," says the old man, " an
impudent puppy has just snatched my hat off,
and run away with it : I have run after him until
I have quite lost my breath, and cannot, if my
life depended on it, go a step farther." — " What,
not a step? " said the fellow. " Not a step,"
returned he. " Why, then, by Jupiter, I must
have your wig; " and snatching off his fine flow-
ing caxon, the thief was out of sight with it in
a minute.
957. — A Gentleman crossing a very narrow
bridge, which was not railed on either side to
secure passengers from falling, said to a coun-
tryman whom he met, " Methinks this narrow
causeway must be very dangerous, honest friend !
pray are not people lost here sometimes? " —
" Lost ! — no, Sir," replied the man ; " I never
knew anybody lost here in my life ; there have
been several drowned indeed, but they were
always found again."
958. — The Earl of P kept a number of
swine at his seat in Wiltshire, and crossing the
j^ard one day he was surprised to see the pigs
gathered round one trough, and making a great
JOE MILLER 69
noise. Curiosity prompted him to sec what was
the cause, and on looking into the trough he per-
ceived a large silver spoon. Just at this crisis
a servant maid came out, and began to abuse
the pigs for crying so. " Well they may," said
his lordship, " when they have got but one silver
spoon among them all."
959. — Dr. John Taylor, the learned critic
and philologist, though a close student, was of a
temper remarkably social, and possessed talents
fitted to adorn and gladden society. An intimate
friend and fellow-collegian of the doctor informs
us, " If you called on him in the college after
dinner, you were sure to find him sitting at an
old oval walnut-table covered with books : yet
when you began to make apologies for disturbing
a person so well employed, he immediately told
you to advance, and called out, ' John, John,
bring pipes and glasses,' and instantly appeared
as cheerful and good-humoured, as if he had not
been at all engaged or interrupted. Suppose
now, you had staid as long as you would, and
been entertained by him most agreeably, you
took your leave, and got half way down the
stairs ; but recollecting somewhat you had to say
to him, you go in again ; the bottles and glasses
were gone, the books had expanded themselves so
as to re-occupy the whole table, and he was just
as much buried in them as when you first came
in."
960. — Dr. Moncey was always strangely in-
fatuated with fears of the public funds, a bug-
70 JOE MILLER
bear that drove him to risk his money on trouble-
some securities, and ultimately produced heavy
losses. He used to speak feelingly of a Welsh
parson and a London attorney. The doctor was
frequently anxious, in his absence from his apart-
ment, for a place of safety in which to deposit
his cash and notes ; bureaus and strong boxes, he
was conscious, had often failed in security. Pre-
vious to a journey to Norfolk to visit his brother
and friends during the hot weather in July, he
chose the fire-place of his sitting-room for his
treasury, and placed bank-notes and cash to a
considerable amount in that unusual situation,
in one corner, under the cinders and shavings.
On his return after a month's absence, he found
his old woman (as he always called his house-
keeper) preparing to treat a friend or two with
a cup of tea; and by way of shewing respect to
her guests, the parlour (or master's sitting-
room) fire-place was chosen to make the kettle
boil, as she never expected her master till she saw
him. The fire had not long been lighted, when
her master arrived at the critical moment. When
the doctor entered the room the company had
scarcely began tea. He ran across the room like
a madman, saying, " Hang it, you have ruined
me forever: you have burned all my bank-
notes ! " — First went the contents of the slop-
bason, then the tea-pot; then he rushed to the
pump in the kitchen, and brought a pail of
water, which he threw partly over the fire and
partly over the company, who in the utmost con-
JOE MILLER 71
sternation, got out of his way as speedily as pos-
sible. His housekeeper, afterwards Mrs. Mar-
riot, cried out, " For God's sake, Sir, forbear :
you will spoil the steel stove and fire irons." —
" D — n the irons, you, your company and all !
(replied the doctor) you have burned my bank
notes." — " Lord, Sir (said the half-drowned
woman), who'd think of putting bank-notes in
a bath stove, where a fire is ready laid? " — " And
(resumed he) who'd think of making a fire in
the summer time, where there has not been one
for these several months? " He then pulled out
all the coals and cinders, and at one corner he
found the remains of his bank-notes, for being
twice folded, one quarter of them so doubled,
wrapt in brown paper, was entire, so as to be
legible. Next day Dr. Moncey went to Lord
Godolphin's, told his lordship the story, pro-
ducing the remains of the notes, and with such
energetic gestures in acting the part of finding
them, as greatly diverted the noble lord. He
told the doctor, however, that he would go with
him to the Bank the next day, and get the cash
for him, through his influence, and would be col-
lateral security for the doctor's integrity and
honesty as to their value. Lord Godolphin hav-
ing occasion to see the king that day on business,
told his majesty the story of Moncey and his
bank-notes. Being well acquainted with the
doctor's strange character, the king resolved to
go to Lord Godolphin's next morning, and con-
ceal himself in a closet. When Moncey came, it
72 JOE MILLER
was agreed, that Lord Godolphin should ask him
to repeat the story, which upon his arrival, Lord
Godolphin effected with much difficulty. His
majesty was so highly diverted, that, in attempt-
ing to stifle the mirth it excited, and to withdraw
unperceived, he stumbled, and the closet door
opened. The doctor was much chagrined with
Lord Godolphin for running the laugh on him,
and just broke out " G — d " when his ma-
jesty appeared, and on seeing him, the doctor
continued: "bless your majesty! this may be a
joke with you and his lordship, but with me a
loss of nearly four hundred pounds." — " No,
no (replied Lord Godolphin), for I am ready to
go with you immediate^, and get your notes re-
newed, or the money for them." Lord Godolphin
ordered his carriage, and agreed to meet the
doctor at the room in the Bank, where some of
the directors daily attend. The doctor being-
obliged to go to the Horse Guards, on business,
took water at Whitehall for the Bank. In going
down the river his curiosity excited him to pull
out his pocket-book, to see if the remains of his
notes were safe ; when a sudden puff of wind blew
them out of his pocket-book into the river. " Put
back, you sons of b ! put back — (says the
doctor) my bank-notes are overboard ! " He was
instantly obeyed, and when they reached them, he
took his hat and dipped it in the water, inclosing
the notes and a hat-full of water. In this state
he put it under his arm, and desired to be set on
shore immediately. He was landed at the Three
JOE MILLER 73
Cranes, walked straight to the Bank, and was
shewn into the room where Lord Godolphin had
just before arrived, and had given notice of Dr.
Mdncey's coming. — " What have you under your
arm?" said Lord Godolphin: "The notes," re-
plied the doctor, throwing his hat with the con-
tents on the table, among all their books and
papers ; and with such a force, as to scatter the
water in the faces of all who were standing near
it. " There (said the doctor) take the remain-
der of your notes, for neither fire nor water will
consume them ! " *
961. — Dr. Radcliffe w r as remarkable for a
sudden thought in extraordinary cases : he was
once sent for into the country to a gentleman
who was dangerously ill of a quinsey ; and the
doctor soon perceived that no application, inter-
nal or external, would be of any service ; upon
which he desired the lady of the house to order
the cook to make a large hasty-pudding; and
when it was done, to let his own servant bring it
up. While the cook was about it, he took his
man aside, and instructed him what to do. In
a short time the man brought up the pudding
in great order, and set it on the table, in full
view of the patient. " Come, John," said he,
" you love hasty-pudding, eat some along with
me, for I believe you came out without your
breakfast." Both began w T ith their spoons, but
John's spoon going twice to his master's once,
the doctor took occasion to quarrel with him, and
dabbed a spoonful of hot pudding in his face ;
74 JOE MILLER
John resented it, and threw another at his mas-
ter. This put the doctor in a passion ; and, quit-
ting his spoon, he took the pudding up by hand-
fuls, and threw it at his man; who battled him
again in the same manner, till they were both in
a most woeful pickle. The patient, who had a
full view of the skirmish, was so tickled at the
fancy, that he burst into a laughter, which broke
the quinsey, and cured him. The doctor and his
man were well rewarded.
962. — " Sitting Once in My Library," says
Mr. Harris, " with a friend,* a worthy but mel-
ancholy man, I read him out of a book the fol-
lowing passage : ' In our time it may be spoken
more truly than of old, that virtue is gone, the
church is under foot, the clergy is in error, the
devil reigneth.'' My friend interrupted me with
a sigh, and said, 'Alas! how true! how just a
picture of the times ! ' I asked him of what
times ? ' Of what times ! ' replied he with emo-
tion ; ' can you suppose any other but the pre-
sent — were any before ever so corrupt, so bad ? '
— ' Forgive me,' said I, ' for stopping you ;
the times I am reading of are older than you
imagine ; the sentiment was delivered about four
hundred years ago; its author was Sir John
Mandeville, who died in 1371.' "
963. — A Recruiting Serjeant addressing
an honest country bumpkin in one of the streets
in Manchester, with — " Come, my lad, thon'lt
tight for thy king, won't thou? " — " Voight for
JOE MILLER 75
my king," answered Hodge, " why, has he fawn
out wi' ony body ? "
964. — After a Battle lately between two
celebrated pugilists, an Irishman made his way
to the chaise, where the one who had lost the
battle had been conveyed, and said to him, " How
are }^ou, my good fellow? can you sec at all with
the eye that's knocked out? "
965. — Dr. Pitcairn had one Sunday
stumbled into a Presbyterian church, probably
to beguile a few idle moments (for few will ac-
cuse that gentleman of having been a warm ad-
mirer of Calvinism), and seeing the parson ap-
parently overwhelmed by the importance of his
subject: — "What the devil makes the man
greet? " said Pitcairn to a fellow that stood near
him. " By my faith, Sir," answered the other,
" you would perhaps greet too, if you were in
his place, and had as little to say." — " Come
along with me, friend, and let's have a glass to-
gether; you are too good a fellow to be here,"
said Pitcairn, delighted with the man's repartee.
966. — The Following Passage occurs in the
Journal of the Rev. J. Wesley, under the date
of Thursday, 27th of December, 1744.— " I
called on the solicitor whom I had employed in
the suit lately commenced against me in chan-
cery. And here I first saw that foul monster, a
chancery bill ! A scroll it was of forty-two pages
in large folio, to tell a story which need not have
taken up forty lines ! And stuffed with such
76 JOE MILLER
stupid, senseless, improbable lies (many of them
too quite foreign to the question), as I believe
would have cost the compiler his life, in any
heathen court either of Greece or Rome. And
this is equity in a Christian country ! This i
the English method of redressing grievances.'
967. — The Duke of Bridgewater was a
very shy man and much disliked general society ;
and was either denied to morning visitors, or con -
trived to slip out of the way when any one called
on him. The clergyman of the parish, Mr. Ken-
yon, who had some particular business with him
respecting the tithes of the parish, had often
tried to gain admittance to him, but in vain,
being always told that his grace was very busy,
or was not at home. Determined, however, to
have an interview with him, Mr. K. called at a
very early hour in the morning, thinking he
should be certain, by this plan, of finding the
duke at home. But still he was disappointed,
the servant giving the customary answer, that
his grace was gone out. Mr. Kenyon, fully as-
sured that this was not the case, and steady to
his point, loitered about the house, that he might
catch its noble owner when he quitted it. In a
short time he perceived his grace slip out of a
back door. Mr. Kenyon did not shew himself,
lest the duke, seeing him, might slip in again,
but kept liis eye upon him, till he saw him cross
a field, and take the way to his navigation. He
then walked hastily after the object of his pur-
suit; not being able to conceal himself, was soon
JOE MILLER
77
discovered by the duke. His grace, perceiving
that he must be overtaken, instantly took to his
heels : Mr. Kcnyon did the same. They both ran
stoutly for some time, till the duke, seeing he
had the worst of the course, turned aside and
jumped into a saw-pit. He was followed in a
trice, into his place of refuge, by his pursuer,
who immediately exclaimed, " Now, my lord
duke, I have you." His grace burst into a fit
of laughter, and the business of the tithe was
quickly and amicably settled.
968. — The Late Duke of N , who was
what is called a six-bottle man, was very fond of
the society of a person much his inferior in rank ;
and their intimacy has been very rationally ac-
counted for, on the principle of *mutual assist-
ance. The duke, when inebriated, lost his voice,
but retained the use of his limbs ; his friend, on
the contrary, retained his power of speech, but
could not stand. So the duke, who could not
speak, rang the bell; and his friend, who could
not move, ordered more wane.
969. — Some time after the Eddystonc light-
house was erected, a shoemaker engaged to be
light-keeper. When in the boat which conveyed
him thither, the skipper addressing him, said
" How^ happens it, Jacob, that you should choose
to go and be cooped up here as a light-keeper,
when you can on shore, as I am told, earn half-
a-crow T n and three shillings a day in making
leathern hose (leathern pipes so called) : whereas
the light-keeper's salary is but 25Z. a year, which
78 JOE MILLER
is scarce ten shillings a week? " — " Every one
to his taste," replied Jacob, promptly. " I go
to be a light-keeper, because I don't like con-
finement." After this answer had produced its
share of merriment, Jacob explained himself by
saying, that he did not like to be confined to
work. — At first there were only two light-keoDers
stationed on this solitary pile ; but an incident of
a very extraordinary and distressing nature,
which occurred, shewed the necessity of an addi-
tional hand. One of the two keepers took ill,
and died. The dilemma in which this occurrence
left the survivor, was singularly painful. Ap-
prehensive that if he tumbled the dead body into
the sea, which was the only way in his power to
dispose of it, he might be charged with murder,
he was induced for some time to let the dead
body lie, in hopes that the attending boat might
be able to land, and relieve him from the distress
he was in. By degrees the body became so
putrid, that it was not in his pow T er to get
quit of it without help, for it w r as near a month
before the boat could effect a landing ; and then
it was not without the greatest difficulty that it
could be done when they did land. To such a
degree was the whole building filled with the
stench of the corpse, that it w r as all they could
do to get the dead body disposed of, and thrown
into the sea ; and it was some time after that, be-
fore the rooms could be freed from the offensive
stench that w r as left. What a situation for the
solitary survivor to have been left in ! what a
JOE MILLER 79
price did he pay for an innocent reputation !
The tale is a rival even to that of Mczcntius.
970. — Me. Palmer going home, after the
business of the theatre was concluded one even-
ing, saw a man lying on the ground, with another
on him beating him violently ; upon this he re-
monstrated with the uppermost, telling him his
conduct was unfair, and that he ought to let his
opponent get up, and have an equal chance with
him. The fellow drolly turned up his face to
Mr. Palmer, and drily replied, " Faith, Sir, if
you had been at as much trouble to get him down
as I have, you would not be for letting him get
up so readily."
971. — A Sailor, who had been many years
absent from his mother, who lived in an inland
county, returned to his native village, after a
variety of voyages to different parts of the
globe, and was heartily welcomed by the good old
woman, who had long considered him as lost.
Soon after his arrival, the old lady became in-
quisitive, and desirous to learn what strange
things her son John had seen upon the mighty
deep. Amongst a variety of things that Jack
recollected, he mentioned his having frequently
seen flying fish. " Stop, Johnny," said his
mother, " don't try to impose such monstrous
impossibilities on me, child; for, in good troth,
I could as soon believe you had seen flying cows ;
for cows, you know, John, can live out of the
water. Therefore, tell me honestly what you
have seen in reality, but no more falsehoods,
80 JOE MILLER
Johnny." — Jack felt himself affronted ; and
turning his quid about, when pressed for more
information, he said, prefacing it with an oath,
" Mayhap, mother, you won't believe me, when
I tell you, that casting anchor once in the Red
Sea, it was with difficulty that we hove it up
again ; which was occasioned, do you see, mother,
by a large wheel hanging on one of the flukes of
the anchor. It appeared a strange old Grecian
to look at, so we hoisted it in ; and our captain,
do ye mind me, being a scholar, overhauled him,
and discovered it was one of Pharaoh's chariot
wheels, when he was capsized in the Red Sea."
This suited the meridian of the old lady's under-
standing. " Ay, ay, Johnny," cried she, " I
can believe this, for we read of this in the Bible ;
but never talk to me again of flying fish."
972. — During the Riots of 1780, most per-
sons in London, in order to save their houses from
being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors,
" No Popery! " Old Grimaldi, to avoid all mis-
takes, wrote on his, " No Religion! "
973. — The following strange but well-at-
tested occurrence, which actually took place
lately in the neighbourhood of Taunton, will re-
mind our readers of
" Him who took the Doctor's bill,
And swallowed it instead of the pill."
A man-servant in the employ of the Rev. Dr.
Palmer, of Yarcombe, being taken ill, the med-
ical attendant of the family was sent for, who
JOE MILLER 81
prepared for the man a bolus from the family
medicine-chest, and having wrapped up in paper
the grain weights used in weighing out the
proper proportions of the drugs, left them on
the table, and near to them the bolus, which he
desired one of the females of the house to carry
to the man-servant, with instructions to take it
immediately in treacle. Some hours afterwards
his master came to inquire about the patient, and
found him suffering under very uneasy symp-
toms, which the man attributed to the strange
kind of medicine the doctor had ordered for him,
and which he said he " should never have got
through with, had he. not cut it into smaller
pieces," but " he thanked God, though it was
rather rough and sharpish, he had got it all
down." This account puzzled his master ex-
ceedingly, who, however, soon discovered that the
man had actually swallowed in treacle, a com-
plete set of brass grain weights, instead of the
bolus, which was found lying harmlessly on the
table in his master's room. Proper remedies were
immediately adopted for dislodging this uncom-
mon dose from the man's stomach, who subse-
quently recovered from his illness.
974. — A Lady, who made pretentions to the
most refined feelings, went to her butcher to re-
monstrate with him on his cruel practices.
" How," said she, " can you be so barbarous as
to put innocent little lambs to death ? " — " Why
not ! madam," said the butcher ; " you would not
eat them alive, would you? "
82 JOE MILLER
975. — In the Great Dutch War, in the
reign of Charles II., the English fleet and that of
Holland fought in the channel for three days
successively, engaged in the day, and lying-to
at night ; but, just as they were preparing to re-
new the action, advice came off that an armistice
was concluded upon, and the hostile parties be-
gan to exchange mutual civilities. On board a
Dutch man of war, which lay alongside an Eng-
lish first-rate, was a sailor so remarkably ac-
tive, as to run to the mast-head, and stand up-
right upon the truck, after which he would cut
several capers, and conclude with standing upon
his head, to the great astonishment and terror of
the spectators. On coming down from this ex-
ploit, all his countrymen expressed their joy by
huzzaing, and thereby signifying their triumph
over the English. One of our bold tars, piqued
for the honour of his country, ran up to the top
like a cat, and essa} r ed, with all his might, to
throw up his heels like the Dutchman, but not
having the skill, he missed his poise, and came
down rather faster than he went up. The rig-
ging, however, broke his fall, and he lighted on
his feet unhurt. As soon as he had recovered his
speech, he ran to the side and exultingly cried out
to the Dutchman, " There, you lubber, do that
if you can."
976. — The following curious circumstance oc-
curred a few years ago, at a country village near
Horncastlc, in Lincolnshire. A boy, belonging
to a chimney-sweeper at Louth, taking his usual
JOE MILLER 83
rounds in the country, called at a farm-house in
the above village, late in the evening; but it not
being convenient to employ him till the morning
following, the farmer informed him he might,
if he thought proper, sleep in his barn, which
he very readily agreed to. He accordingly made
himself a comfortable bed among the straw, and
went to rest. Some time in the night, he was
awakened by two men entering the barn with a
lanthorn and candle, and each of them a sack ;
he immediately supposing they were not about
their lawful business, lay still to watch their mo-
tions, when they began to consult how they might
place the light till they had filled their sacks from
the corn heap. Seeing they were at a loss how
to proceed, he crept softly from his couch, and
with an audible voice said, " Gentlemen, I'll hold
the candle." Turning round suddenly they be-
held the knight of the brush, in his sable dress,
and supposing him to be a messenger from the
infernal regions, threw down their sacks and
lanthorn, and immediately decamped.
977. — Some Time Ago, the Honourable Mr.
Charles Fox, having an old gaming debt to pay
to Sir John L., or rather, as he is familiarly
styled, Sir John Jehu ; finding himself in cash,
after a lucky run at the Pharo-Table, he sent a
card of compliments to Sir John, desiring to see
him, in order to discharge his demand. When
they met, Charles immediately produced the
money ; which Sir John no sooner saw than he
called for pen and ink, and very deliberately
84 JOE MILLER
began to reckon up the interest. — " What are
you doing now? " cried Charles. — " Only cal-
culating what the interest amounts to ! " replied
the other. — " Are you so? " returned Charles,
coolly ; and, at the same time pocketing again
the cash, which he had already thrown on the
table — " Why, I thought, Sir John, that my
debt to you was a debt of honour; but, as you
seem to view it in another light, and mean seri-
ously to make a trading debt of it, I must in-
form you, that I make it an invariable rule,
tto pay my Jew-creditors last. You must, there-
fore, wait a little longer for your money,
Sir: and, when I meet my money-lending
Israelites, for the payment of principal and
interest, I shall most certainly think of Sir John
Jehu, and expect to have the honour of seeing
him in the company of my worthy friends from
Duke's Place ! "
978. — When Patrick Henry, who gave the
first impulse to the ball of the American revolu-
tion, introduced his celebrated resolution on the
stamp act into the House of Burgesses of Vir-
ginia (May, 1765), he exclaimed, when descant-
ing on the tyranny of the obnoxious act, " Cassar
had his Brutus ; Charles the First his Cromwell ;
and George the Third "— " Treason ! " cried the
speaker ; " treason ! treason ! " echoed from
every part of the house. It was one of those try-
ing moments which are decisive of character.
Henry faltered not for an instant ; but rising to
a loftier attitude, and fixing on the speaker an
JOE MILLER 85
eye flashing with fire, continued, " may profit
by their example. If this be treason, make the
most of it."
1)79. — One of the Dover Stages, on its way
to London, was stopped by a single highwayman,
who was informed by the coachman there were no
inside pasengers, and only one in the basket, and
he was a sailor. The robber then proceeded to
exercise his employment on the tar ; when waking
him out of his sleep Jack demanded what he
wanted; to which the son of plunder replied,
" Your money." — " You shan't have it," said
Jack. "No!" replied the robber: "then I'll
blow your brains out." — " Blow away then, you
land-lubber," cried Jack, squirting the tobacco-
juice out of his mouth, " I may as well go to
London without brains as without money: drive
on, cpachman."
980.— M. Otto, the French ambassador to
the British Court, displayed a most splendid il-
lumination at his house in Portland Place, on ac-
count of the signing of the definitive treaty of
peace betwixt Great Britain and France. Whilst
this illumination was in preparation, two Brit-
ish tars happened to pass his house ; when they
observed in a transparency the words " Peace
and Concord," which they read, Peace Conquered.
" They conquer Peace, a set of frog-eating lub-
bers," exclaimed one of the tars, and immediately
knocked at M. Otto's door, insisting to see that
gentleman. M. Otto made his appearance: the
enraged tars demanded the reason of his presum-
86 JOE MILLER
ing to insult the British nation. M. Otto in vain
attempted to explain the meaning of the words.
But nothing would satisfy the gallant fellows ;
they peremptorily insisted on his removing the
obnoxious word " concord" which M. Otto, with
much politeness, promised to do, and actually
altered the sentiment to " Peace and Amity."
981. — Dr. Walcot, better known as Peter
Pindar, called one day upon a bookseller in
Paternoster-row, the publisher of his works, by
way of inquiring into the literary and other news
of the day. After some chat, the doctor was
asked to take a glass of wine with the seller of
his wit and poetry. Our author consented to ac-
cept of a little negus as an innocent morning
beverage ; when instantly was presented to him a
cocoa-nut goblet, with the face of a man carved
on it. " Eh ! eh ! " says the doctor, " what have
we here? " — " A man's skull," replied the book-
seller ; " a poet's for what I know." — " Nothing
more likely," rejoined the facetious doctor, " for
it is universally known that all you booksellers
drink your wine from our skulls."
982. — When Quin and Garrick performed
at the same theatre, and in the same pla}^, the
night being very stormy, each ordered a chair.
To the mortification of Quin, Mr. Garrick's chair
came up first. " Let me get into the chair,"
cried the surly veteran, " let me get into the
chair, and put little Davy into the lantern." —
" Bv all means," said Garrick ; " I shall ever be
happj' to give Mr. Quin light in any thing."
JOE MILLER 87
983. — When a late Duchess of Bedford was
last at Buxton, and then in her eighty-fifth year,
it was the medical farce of the day, for the fac-
ulty to resolve every complaint of whim and
caprice into " a shock of the nervous system."
Her grace, after inquiring of many of her
friends in the rooms what brought them there,
and being generally answered for a nervous com-
plaint, was asked *in her turn, " What brought
her to Buxton? " — " I came only for pleasure,"
answered the healthy duchess ; " for, thank God,
I was born before nerves came into fashion."
984. — One of the most flattering and ingeni-
ous compliments Frederick ever paid, was that
which he addressed to the celebrated General
Laudohn, at the time of his interview with the
emperor at the camp of Neiss. After they had
discoursed for about an hour, the two monarchs
sat down to dinner, with the princes and general
officers in their train. Marshal Laudohn, who
had been invited among the rest, was about to
seat himself at the bottom of the table, but the
king made him come and sit by him, saying,
" Come here, General Laudohn ; I have always
wished to see you on my side, instead of facing
me."
985. — George III., having purchased a horse,
the dealer put into his hands a large sheet of
paper, completely written over. " What's
this? " said his majesty. " The pedigree of the
horse, sire, which you have just bought," was
the answer. " Take it back, take it back," said
88 JOE MILLER
the king laughing ; " it will do very well for the
next horse you sell."
986. — A French Officer quarrelling with a
Swiss, reproached him with his country's vice,
of fighting on either side for money, while we
" Frenchmen," said he, " fight for honour.'" —
" Yes, Sir," replied the Swiss, " every one fights
for that which he most wants."
987. — When the Late Mr. Windham, the
war minister, was upon a trip to the continent,
he met with a Dutch clergyman, who was very
eager in his inquiries as to the doctrines and dis-
cipline of the church of England, to which he
received satisfactory answers ; those, however,
were succeeded by others of a more difficult na-
ture, particularly as to the manner in which some
English preachers manufacture their sermons.
Upon Mr. Windham's confessing his ignorance
of this subject, the Dutchman, in a tone of dis-
appointment, exclaimed, " Why then I find, Sir,
after all the conversation we have had, that I
have been deceived as to your profession. They
told me you were an English minister"
988. — Dr. Savage, who died in 1747, trav-
elled in his younger days, with the Earl of Salis-
bury, to whom he was indebted for a consider-
able living in Hertfordshire. One day at the
levee, the king (George I.) asked him how long
he had resided at Rome with Lord Salisbury.
Upon Ins answering him how long, — " Why,"
said the king, "you staid there long enough;
how is it you did not convert the pope? " — " Be-
JOE MILLER 89
cause, Sir," replied the doctor, " I had nothing
better to offer him."
989.— In the Year 1818, as the Duke of
Wellington was on a sporting visit at the scat
of the Marquis of Salisbury, Hatfield, he met
with the following curious adventure: — A far-
mer, who had been much annoyed by the hunters
riding across his corn, directed his shepherd to
stake up and make fast all his gates that adjoin
the roads. It so happened that the duke rode up
to one of these gates which the shepherd was
lolling over, and who was directed by the duke to
open the gate for him. The shepherd refused
compliance, and told him to go round, for he
should not ride over his master's corn. The duke
therefore rode off. When the man went home,
his master inquired of him if he had stopped the
hunters? " Aye, master," quoth the shepherd,
" that I hare — and not only them, but that
soldier man that Buonaparte could not stop! "
The farmer took an early opportunity of apol-
ogizing to Lady Salisbury for the rudeness of
his servant, and stated that had he been aware
that the noble duke was to have been out that
day his gates should not have been fastened, and
at the same time mentioned what his man had
said, which on being related to the duke, caused,
as may be expected, a hearty laugh.
990. — When Rabelais was on his death-bed,
a consultation of physicians was called. " Dear
gentlemen," said the wit to the doctors, raising
his languid head, " let me die a natural death."
90 JOE MILLER
991. — Dr. Busby, whoso figure was beneath
the common size, was one day accosted in a pub-
lic coffee-room, by an Irish baronet of colossal
stature, with, " May I pass to my seat, O
Giant? " When the doctor, politely making
way, replied, " Pass, O Pigmy ! "— " Oh ! Sir,"
said the baronet, " my expression alluded to the
size of your intellect." — " And my expression,
Sir," said the doctor, " to the size of yours."
992. — An Apothecary, who used to value
himself on his knowledge of drugs, asserted that
all bitter things w T ere hot. — " No," said a gentle-
man present, " there is one of a very different
quality; a bitter cold day."
993. — At Brighton, in October, 1795, Sir
John Lade, for a trifling wager, undertook to
carry Lord Cholmondeley on his back, from op-
posite to the Pavilion, twice round the Steyne.
Several ladies attended as spectators of this ex-
traordinary feat of the dwarf carrying the giant.
When his lordship declared himself ready, Sir
John desired him to strip. " Strip ! " exclaimed
the other, " why surely you proposed to carry
me in my clothes." — " By no means," replied the
Baronet ; " I engaged to carry you, but not an
inch of clothes ! so therefore, my lord, mak'^
ready, and let us not disappoint the ladies."
After much laughable altercation, it was at
length decided, that Sir John had won his wager,
the peer having declined to exhibit in puris na-
turalibus.
994. — After a loud preface of " O yes," pro-
JOE MILLER 91
nou need most audibly three times, in the High
Street at Newmarket, the late Lord Barrymorc,
having collected a number of persons together,
made the following general proposal to the
gapers; — " Who wants to buy a horse that can
walk five miles an hour, trot eighteen, and gallop
twenty." — " I do," said a gentleman, with mani-
fest eagerness. — " Then," replied Lord Barry-
more, " if I sec any such animal to be sold, I will
be sure to let you know."
995. — The Duke of Longuevikle's Reply,
when it was observed to him that the gentlemen
bordering on his estates were continually hunting
upon them, and that he ought not to suffer it,
is worthy of imitation : " I had much rather,"
answered the duke, " have friends than hares."
996. — The Great Prince de Conde passing
through the city of Sens, which belonged to Bur-
gundy, of which he was governor, took great
pleasure in disconcerting the different companies
who came to compliment him. The Abbe Boi-
leau, dean of the cathedral, brother of the poet,
was commissioned to make a speech to the prince
at the head of the chapter. Conde wishing to dis-
compose the orator, advanced his head and long
nose towards the dean, as if with the intention of
hearing the better, but in reality to make him
blunder, if he possibly could. The abbe, who
perceived his design, pretending to be greatly
embarrassed, began his speech thus : " My lord,
your highness ought not to be surprised to see
me tremble when I appear before you; at the
92 JOE MILLER
head of an army of 30,000 men, I should tremble
much more." The prince was so much charmed
with this compliment, that he embraced the orator
without suffering him to proceed. He asked his
name, and when he found that he was the brother
to M. Despreaux, he invited him to dinner.
997. — None fight with true spirit who are
overloaded with cash. A man \\ ho had been for-
tunate at cards was asked to act as a second in
a duel, at a time when the seconds engaged as
heartily as the principals. " I am not," said he,
" the man for your purpose just at present; but
go and apply to him from whom I won a thou-
sand guineas last night, and I warrant you that
he will fight like any. devil."
998. — An under officer of the customs at the
port of Liverpool, running headlessly along the
ship's gunnel, happened to tip overboard, and
was drowned: being soon after taken up, the
coroner's jury was summoned to sit upon the
body: one of the jurymen, returning home, was
called to by an alderman of the town, and asked
what verdict they brought in, and whether they
found it felo de se! " Aye, aye," says the jury-
man, shaking his noddle, " he fell into the sea
sure enough."
999. — Sir John Trevor, who for some mis-
demeanor had been expelled the house of com-
mons, one day meeting with archbishop Tillot-
son, cried out, " I hate to see an atheist in the
shape of a churchman." — "And I," replied the
good bishop, " hate to see a knave in any shape."
JOE MILLER 93
1000. — When Sir Elijah Impey, the Indian
judge, was on his passage home, as he was one
day walking the deck, it having blowed pretty
hard the preceding day, a shark was playing by
the side of the ship. Having never seen such
an object before, he called to one of the sailorr.
to tell him what it was. " Why," replied the
tar, " I don't know what name they know them
by ashore, but here we call them sea-lawyers."
1001. — A Gentleman observed one day to
Mr. Henry Erskinc, who was a great punster,
that punning is the lowest sort of wit. " It is
so," answered he, " and therefore the foundation
of all wit."
1002. — Alcibiades finding his irregularities
became the general topic of conversation at
Athens, and having a very fine dog, which he had
given a large sum of money for, he cut off his
tail, which was reckoned a great ornament. His
friends told him the whole city blamed him for so
foolish an action, %nd talked of nothing else.
" That is what I meant," said he : "I had rather
they should talk of my dog's tail, than scrutinize
my conduct."
1003. — A Finished Coquette at a ball asked
a gentleman near her, while she adjusted her
tucker, whether he could -flirt a fan, which she
held in her hand. " No, madam," answered he,
proceeding to use it, " but I can fan a flirt "
1004*. — The Late Duke of Richmond had
some capital hunters in Sussex. A monkey that
94 JOE MILLER
was kept in the stable, was remarkably fond of
riding the horses ; skipping from one to the
other, and teasing the poor animals incessantly.
The groom made a complaint to the duke, who
immediately formed a plan to remedy the evil.
" If he is so fond of riding," said his grace,
" we'll endeavour to give him enough of it." A
complete jockey dress was provided for the mon-
key; and the next time the hounds went out,
Jacko in his uniform was strapped to the back
of one of the best hunters. The view halloo being
given, away they went, through thick and thin :
the horse carrying so light a weight, presently
left all the company behind. Some of the party
passing by a farm-house, inquired of a country-
man whether he had seen the fox. " Aye, zure,"
said the man, " he be gone over yon fallow." —
"And was there anyone up with him?" —
" Whoy, yes," said John, " there be a little man
in a yellow jacket, riding as though the Devil
be in 'urn. I hope from n^y heart the young
gentleman mayn't meet with a fall, but he rides
monstrous hard."
1005. — A Master of Arts being reduced to
extreme poverty, begged some relief of a lock-
smith, who was at work in his shop ; the smith
asked him, why he had not learned some art to
get his bread by, rather than thus to go about
begging. " Alas ! " replied the scholar, " I am
a master of seven." — " Of seven ! " replied the
locksmith, " they must be sorry ones indeed,
then, since they are not able to keep you; for
JOE MILLER 95
my part, I have only one, as you see, which main-
tains seven of us ; myself, my wife, and five
children."
1006. — A Chimney-sweep, having descended
a wrong chimney, made his sudden appearance
in a room where two men, one named Butler and
the other Cook, were enjoying themselves over a
pot of beer. " How now," cried the former,
" what news from the other world? " The
sweep perceiving his mistake, and recollecting
the persons, very smartly replied, " I came to
inform you, that we are very much in w T ant of
a Butler and Cook."
1007. — An Italian Bishop had struggled
through great difficulties without repining. An
acquaintance of his asked him one day if he could
communicate to him the secret he had made use
of to be always easy. " Yes," replied the prel-
ate, " very easily. It consists of nothing more
than making a right use of my eyes in whatever
state I am. I first look up to heaven, and re-
member that my principal business here is to
get thither; I then look down upon the earth,
and call to mind how small a space I shall occupy
in it when I come to be interred. Then I look
abroad into the world, and observe what multi-
tudes there are, who, in all respects, are more
unhappy than myself. Thus I learn where true
happiness is placed; where all my cares must
end; and how r little reason I have to repine or
complain."
96 JOE MILLER
1008. — A Lunatic in Bedlam was asked how
lie came there? he answered " By a dispute."
— "What dispute?" The bedlamite replied,
" The world said I was mad ; I said the world
was mad, and they outwitted me."
1009. — A Notorious Thief, being to be tried
for his life, confessed the robbery he was charged
with. The judge hereupon directed the jury to
find him guilty upon his own confession. The
jury having laid their heads together brought
him in not guilty. The judge bid them con-
sider of it again ; but still they brought in their
verdict not guilty. The judge asked the reason?
The foreman replied, " There is reason enough,
for we all know him to be one of the greatest
liars in the world."
1010. — A Notorious Culprit, who suffered
some years since at Salisbury, and the last of
three brothers who had been executed for similar
offences, after sentence was passed, said, " My
lord, I humbly thank you." His lordship aston-
ished, asked him for what? " Because, my lord,
I thought I should have been hung in chains,
which would have been a disgrace to the family."
1011. — A Young Fellow once came danc-
ing, whistling, and singing into a room where old
Colley Gibber sat coughing and spitting; and,
cutting a caper, triumphantly exclaimed,
" There, you old put, what would you give to be
as young as I am? " — " Why, young man," re-
plied he, " I would agree to be almost as foolish."
JOE MILLER 97
1012. — A Gentleman who was dining with
another, praised very much the meat, and asked
who was the butcher? " " His name is Addison."
— " Addison ! " echoed the guest, " pray is he
any relation to the poet? " — " In all probability
he is, for he is seldom without his steel (Steele)
by his side."
1013. — Swift having paid a visit at Sir
Arthur Achcson's country scat, and being, on
the morning of his return to his deanery, de-
tained a few minutes longer than he expected at
his breakfast, found, when he came to the door,
his own man on horseback, and a servant of Sir
Arthur's holding the horse he was to ride him-
self. He mounted, turned the head of his horse
towards his own man, and asked him in a low
voice if he did not think he should give something
to the servant who held his horse, and if he
thought {\\q shillings would be too much ; " No,
Sir, it will not, if you mean to do the thing hand-
somely," was the reply. The dean made no re-
mark upon this, but when he paid his man's
weekly account, wrote under it, " Deducted from
this, for money paid to Sir Arthur's servant for
doing your business, five shillings."
1014. — Mr. Bensley, before he went on the
stage, was an officer in the army. Meeting one
day a Scotchman, who had been in the same regi-
ment, the latter was very happy to see his old
brother officer, but being ashamed to be seen in
the street with a player, he hurried him into an
obscure coffee-house, where he began to remon-
98 JOE MILLER
strate with him on his thus disgracing the hon-
ourable profession to which he had belonged.
" But," added he, " what do you make by this
new business of yours? " Mr. Bensley said,
" From seven hundred to a thousand a year." —
" A thousand a year ! " exclaimed the Northern,
" hae ye ony vacancies in your corps ? "
1015. — A Common-councilman was hoaxed
into an opinion, that, as a representative of the
citizens, he was entitled to ride through the turn-
pikes free, of expense. He next day mounted
i his nag, to ascertain his civic privileges ; and
asked at the turnpike at the Dog-row, in Mile-
end-road, if, as a common-councilman, he had
not a right to pass without paying? " Yes."
replied the turnpike man, archly, " you may
pass yourself, but you must pay for your horse."
1016. — Dr. Gregory, professor of physic at
Edinburgh, was one of the first to enroll him-
self in the Royal Edinburgh Volunteers, when
that corps was raised. So anxious was he to
make himself master of military tactics, that he
not only paid the most punctual attendance on
all the regimental field-days, but studied at home
for several hours a day, under the sergeant-
major of the regiment. On one of these occa-
sions, the officer, out of all temper at the awk-
wardness of his learned pupil, exclaimed in a
rage, " Sir, I would rather teach ten fools than
one philosopher."
1017. — There Was a Lady of the west coun-
JOE MILLER 99
try that gave a great entertainment at her house
to most of the gallant gentlemen thereabouts,
and among others Sir Walter Raleigh. This
lady, though otherwise a stately dame, was a
notable good housewife; and in the morning be-
times she called to one of her maids that looked
to the swine, and asked, " Are the pigs served? "
Sir Walter Raleigh's chamber was close to the
lady's. A little before dinner the lady came
down in great state into the great chamber, which
was full of gentlemen, and as soon as Sir Walter
cast his eyes on her, " Madam," said he, " are
the pigs served? " The lady answered, " You
know best whether you have had your break-
fast."
1018. — Joseph II., Emperor of Germany,
travelling in his usual way, without his retinue,
attended by only a single aid-de-camp, arrived
very late at the house of an Englishman, who
kept an inn in the Netherlands. It being fair
time, and the house rather crowded, the host, ig-
norant of his guests' quality, appointed them to
sleep in an out-house, which they readily com-
plied with ; and after eating a few slices of ham
and biscuit, retired to rest, and in the morning
paid their bill, which amounted to only three
shillings and sixpence English, and rode off. A
few hours afterwards, several of his suite coming
to inquire after him, and the publican under-
standing the rank of his guest, appeared very
uneasy. " Psha ! psha ! man," said one of the
attendants, " Joseph is accustomed to such ad-
100 JOE MILLER
ventures, and will think no more of it." — " But
I shall," replied the landlord ; " for I can never
forget the circumstance, nor forgive myself
neither, for having had an emperor in my house,
and letting him off for three and sixpence."
1019. — On the Scotch Circuits, the judges
give dinners, having an allowance for that pur-
pose. The great Lord Karnes was extremely
parsimonious ; and at a circuit dinner at Perth
did not allow claret, as had been the custom. The
conversation turned on Sir Charles Hardy's fleet,
which was then blockaded by the French; and
one of the company asked, what had become of
our fleet. Mr. Henry Erskine answered, " They
are like us, confined to Port."
1020. — Some Years Ago, sa}^s Richardson,
in his anecdotes of painting, a gentleman came
to me to invite me to his house : " I have," says
he, " a picture of Rubens, and it is a rare good
one. There is little H. the other day came to
see it, and says it is a copy. If anyone says so
again, I'll break his head. Pray, Mr. Richard-
son, will you do me the favour to come, and give
me your real opinion of it? "
1021. — When Pyrrhus, King of Epirus,
was preparing for an expedition he had long
meditated against the Romans, Cyneas, one of
his chief favourites, asked him what he proposed
to himself by this war? " To conquer the Ro-
mans, and reduce all Italy to obedience," was
the reply. " What then? " asked Cyneas. " To
JOE MILLER 101
pass over into Sicily," answered Pyrrhus, " and
then all the Sicilians must he our subjects." —
" And what does your majesty intend next? " —
" Why, truly," replied the king, " to conquer
Carthage, and make myself master of all Af-
rica." — " And what, Sir," said the minister, " is
to be the end of all your expeditions? " — " Why
then," answered the monarch, " for the rest of
our lives we'll sit down to good wine." — " How,
Sir," said Cyneas, " can we sit down to better
wine than we have now before us? Have we not
already as much as we can drink ? "
1022. — M. Lalande, the French astronomer,
during the whole time of the Revolution, con-
fined himself to the study of that science. When
he found that he had escaped the fury of Robe-
spierre, he jocosely said, " I may thank my stars
for it."
1023. — After Dr. Johnson had been hon-
oured with an interview' with the king, in the
queen's library at Buckingham-house, he was
interrogated by a friend concerning his recep-
tion, and his opinion of the royal intellect. " His
majesty," replied the doctor, " seems to be pos-
sessed of much good-nature and much curiosity,
and is far from contemptible. His majesty, in-
deed, was multifarious in his questions, but he
ansxeered them all himself."
1024*. — The Bard of Twickenham, though
very short and deformed, was nevertheless verv
partial to his person. One day he asked Dean
102 JOE MILLER
Swift what people in Ireland thought of him.
" They think," says the dean, " that you are a
great poet and a very little man." Pope ex-
claimed passionately, " And, Mr. Dean, the peo-
ple in England think quite the reverse of you."
1025. — Weston, the Actor, having bor-
rowed, on note, the sum of five pounds, and fail-
ing in payment, the gentleman who had lent the
money took occasion to talk of it in a public cof-
fee-house, which caused Weston to send him a
challenge. When in the field, the gentleman
being a little tender in point of courage, offered
him the note to make it up ; to which our hero
readily consented, and had the note delivered.
" But now," said the gentleman, " if we should
return without fighting, our companions will
laugh at us ; therefore let us give one another
a slight scratch, and say we wounded each
other." — " With all my heart," says Weston ;
" come, I'll wound you first : " so, drawing his
sword, he thrust it through the fleshy part of
his arm till he brought the tears into his eyes.
Tin's being done, and the wound tied up with a
handkerchief — " Come," said the gentleman,
" where shall I wound you? " Weston, putting
himself in a posture of defence, replied, " Where
you can, Sir."
1026. — The Celebrated Daniel Burgess,
dining with a gentleman of his congregation, a
large Cheshire cheese, uncut, was brought to
table. "Where si vail I cut it?" asked Daniel.
" Anywhere you please, Mr. Burgess," answered
JOE MILLER 103
the gentleman. Upon which Daniel handed it
to the servant, desiring him to carry it to his
house, and lie would cut it at home.
1027. — " How does your new-purchased horse
answer? " said the late Duke of Cumberland to
George Sclwyn. " I really don't know," re-
plied George, " for I never asked him a ques-
tion."
1028. — A Quaker having a horse to sell, took
him to St. Luke's fair, at Newcastle. A cus-
tomer soon appeared, who, being pleased with
the appearance of the animal, asked " if he would
draw well ? " to which question the owner replied
with a shrug, " Ah, friend, let him alone for
that." The buyer taking him in the wrong
sense, purchased the horse without any more in-
quiries. But upon trial the horse would not
stretch a trace ; on which the buyer went in a vio-
lent passion to upbraid the seller, who very coolly
answered : " Friend, did I not tell thee to let
him alone for that ; " which was all the satisfac-
tion he could get.
1029. — Dr. Fuller, the author of the
Worthies of England, and other works, had a
prodigious memory, insomuch that he could name
in order the signs on both sides the way from the
beginning of Paternoster-row at Ave Maria-
lane to the bottom of Cheapside, where the Man-
sion-house now stands. This, considering that
in his time every shop had a particular sign, was
very surprising. He could also dictate to five
104 JOE MILLER
several amanuenses at the same time, and each
on a different subject. The doctor making a
visit to the committee of sequestrators sitting at
Waltham, in Essex, they soon fell into a dis-
course and commendation of his great memory ;
to which he replied : " 'Tis true, gentlemen, that
fame has given me the report of a memorist, and,
if you please, I will give you an experiment of
it." They all accepted the motion, and told
him they should look upon it as an obligation,
praying him to begin. " Gentlemen," says he,
" I will give you an instance of my memory in
the particular business in which you are em-
ployed. Your worships have thought fit to se-
quester an honest but poor cavalier parson, my
neighbour, from his living, and committed him to
prison : he has a large family of children, and
his circumstances are but indifferent ; if you will
please to release him out of prison, and restore
him to his living, I will never forget the kindness
while I live." This good-natured jest wrought
so effectually upon the committee, that, though
they were not over-gifted with wit or humanity,
they immediately released and restored the poor
clergyman.
1030.— The Late Colonel O'Keley, well
known to all the lovers of the turf, having, at a
Newmarket meeting, proposed a considerable
wager to a gentleman who, it seems, had no
knowledge of him; the stranger, suspecting the
challenge came from one of the black-legged
fraternity, begged to know what security he
JOE MILLER 105
would give for so large a sum if he should lose,
and where his estates lay. — " O ! by Jasus, my
dear crater, I have the map of them about me,
and here it is sure enough," said O'Kelly, pull-
ing out a pocket-book, and producing bank-
notes to a considerable amount.
1031. — Dueing the Rebellion in 1745,
George II. entered the council-chamber while
they were sitting, and requested to know what
was the subject of their deliberations; and on
being told that they were consulting how to pro-
vide for the safety of his majesty's person and
government — " Aye, is it so? " replied the mon-
arch, laying his hand upon the hilt of his sword;
" My lords and gentlemen take care of your-
selves ; but for me, it is my determination to live
and die King of England."
1032. — After a successful attack on the
royal party in 1745, a Highlander gained a
watch as his share of the plunder. Unac-
quainted with its use, he listened with equal sur-
prise and pleasure to the ticking sound with
which his new acquisition amused him ; after a
few hours, however, the watch was down, the noise
ceased, and the dispirited owner, looking on the
toy no longer with satisfaction, determined to
conceal the misfortune which had befallen it, and
to dispose of it to the first person who should
offer him a trifle in exchange. He soon met
with a customer, but at parting he could not
help exclaiming, " Why, she died last night."
106 JOE MILLER
1033. — When Mr. Penn, the proprietor of
Pennsylvania, and the most considerable man
among the Quakers, went to court to pay his re-
spects to Charles II., that merry monarch, ob-
serving the Quaker not to lower his beaver, took
off his own hat, and stood uncovered before Penn,
who said, " Prithee, friend Charles, put on thy
hat." — " No," says the king, " friend Penn, it
is usual for only one man to stand covered here."
1034. — The Late Bishop of Worcester,
Dr. Hough, was remarkable for sweetness of tem-
per, as well as every other christian virtue ; of
which the following story affords a proof. A
young gentleman, whose family had been well
acquainted with the bishop, in making the tour
of England before he went abroad, called to pay
his respects to his lordship as he passed by his
seat in the country. It happened to be at din-
ner time, and the room full of company. The
bishop, however, received him with much famil-
iarity ; but the servant in reaching him a chair,
threw down a curious weather glass that had
cost twenty guineas, and broke it. The gentle-
man was under infinite concern, and began to
make an apology for being himself the occasion
of the accident, when the bishop with great good
nature interrupted him. " Be under no con-
cern, Sir," said his lordship, smiling, " for I am
much beholden to you for it. We have had a
very dry season ; and now I hope we shall have
rain. I never saw the glass so low in my life."
Everyone was pleased with the humour and pleas-
JOE MILLER 107
antry of the turn ; and the more so, as his lord-
ship was then more than eighty, a time of life
when the infirmities of old age make most men
peevish and hasty.
10f35. — A Person had been relating many
incredible stories, when Professor Engel, who
was present, in order to repress his impertinence,
said, " But, gentlemen, all this amounts to but
very little, when I can assure you that the cele-
brated organist, Abbe Vogler, once imitated a
thunder-storm so well, that for miles round all
the milk turned sour."
1036. — In the Reign of King William,
Oliver Cromwell, grandson of the Protector
Cromwell, found it necessary, on some occasion
or other, to present a petition to parliament. He
gave his petition to a friend, a member, who took
it to the House of Commons to present it. Just
as this gentleman was entering the house, with
the petition in his hand, Sir Edward Seymour,
a famous old royalist member, was also going
in. On the sight of Sir Edward the gentleman
immediately conceived the idea of making the
surly, sour old Tory carry up the petition for
Oliver Cromwell. " Sir Edward," said he, stop-
ping him on the instant, " will you do me a fa-
vour? I this moment recollect that I must im-
mediately attend a trial at Westminster Hall,
which may detain me too late to give in this pe-
tition this morning, as I promised to do. 'Tis
a mere matter of form ; will you be so good as
carry it up for me 1 " — " Give it me," said Sir
108 JOE MILLER
Edward. The petition went directly into his
pocket, and he into the house. When a proper
opportunity occurred for presenting it, Sir Ed-
ward rose, and putting his spectacles on, began
to read, " the humble petition of — of — of — of
the devil ! Oliver Cromwell ! ! ! " The roar of
laughter in the house, at seeing the old knight
so fairty taken in, w T as too great for him to stand.
Dashing the petition from him in great rage,
he rushed out of the house.
1037. — Phillip, Earl Stanhope, whose
dress always corresponded with the simplicity of
his manners, was once prevented from going into
the House of Peers by a doorkeeper who was un-
acquainted with his person. Lord Stanhope
was resolved to get into the house without ex-
plaining who he was ; and the doorkeeper, equalty
determined on his part, said to him, " Honest
man, you have no business here. Honest man,
you can have no business in this place." — " I
believe," rejoined his lordship, " you. are right,
honest men have no business here."
1038. — When the Late King of Denmark
was in England, he very frequently honoured
Sir Thomas Robinson with his company, though
the knight spoke French in a very imperfect
manner, and the king had scarce any knowledge
of English. One day, when Sir Thomas was in
company with the late Lord Chesterfield, and
boasted much of his intimacy with the king, and
added, that he believed the monarch had a
greater friendship for him than any man in
JOE MILLER 109
England, — " Good God," exclaimed Lord Ches-
terfield, " how reports will lie! I heard no later
than this day, that you never met but a great
deal of bad language passed between you."
1039. — Beauijeu was one day visited by a
noble and unprofessional person, who reproached
him with not having returned his first visit.
" You and I," said the satirist, " are upon dif-
ernt terms. I lose my time when I pay a visit ;
you only get rid of yours when you do so."
1040. — An Alderman of London once re-
quested an author to write a speech for him to
deliver at Guildhall, — " I must first dine with
you," replied he, " and see how you open your
mouth, that I may know what sort of words will
fill it."
1041. — A Barrister entered the hall with his
wig very much awry, of which he was not at all
apprized, but was obliged to endure from almost
every observer some remark on its appearance,
till at last adressing himself to Mr. Curran, he
asked him, " Do you see anything ridiculous in
this w T ig? " The answer instantly was, " Noth-
ing but the head."
1042. — Among the Discoveries of the
learned which have amused mankind, the follow
ing instance merits a conspicuous rank: — Some
years ago there were several large elm trees in
the college garden, behind the ecclesiastical
court, Doctors' Commons, in which a number of
rooks had taken up their abode, forming in ap-
110 JOE MILLER
pearance, a sort of convocation of aerial eccle-
siastics. A young gentleman, who lodged in an
attic, and was their close neighbour, frequently
entertained himself with thinning this covey of
black game by means of a cross-bow. On the
opposite side lived a curious old civilian, who,
observing from his study that the rooks- often
dropt senseless from their perch, no sign being
made to his vision to account for the phenom-
enon, set his wits to work to consider the cause.
It was probably during a profitless time of peace,
and the doctor, having plenty of leisure, weighed
the matter over and over, till he was at length
satisfied that he had made a great ornithological
discovery. He actually wrote a treatise, stating
circumstantially what he himself had seen, and
in conclusion giving it as the settled conviction
of his mind, that rooks were subject to epilepsy.
1043. — A Lady, after performing, with the
most brilliant execution, a sonato on the piano-
forte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to
the philosopher, took the liberty of asking him
if he was fond of music? — " No, madam," re-
plied the doctor ; " but of all noises, I think
music is the least disagreeable."
1044. — Boswekl dining one day with Dr.
Johnson, asked him if he did not think that a
good cook was more essential to the community
than a good poet. " I don't suppose," said the
Dr., " that there's a dog in the town but what
thinks so."
JOE MILLER 111
1045. — A Najjob, in a severe fit of the gout,
told his physician that he suffered the pains of
the damned. The doctor coolly answered,
" What, already."
1046. — A Surgeon aboard a ship of war used
to prescribe salt-water for his patients in all dis-
orders. Having sailed one evening on a part}^
of pleasure, he happened, by some mischance, to
be drowned. The captain, who had not heard
of the disaster, asked one of the tars next day
if he had heard anything of the doctor. — " Yes,"
answered Jack, after a turn of his quid, " he
was drowned last night in his medicine chest."
1047.-^— At the time when Queen Elizabeth
was making one of her progresses through the
kingdom, a mayor of Coventry, attended by a
large cavalcade, went out to meet her majesty,
and usher her into the city with due formality.
On their return they passed through a wide
brook, when Mr. Mayor's horse several times at-
tempted to drink, and each time his w T orship
checked him; which the queen observing, called
out to him, " Mr. Mayor, let your horse drink,
Mr. Mayor ; " but the magistrate, bowing very
low, modestly answered, " Nay, nay, ma} T it
please your majcst3 r 's horse to drink first."
1048. — As the Late Chevalier Taylor was
once enumerating, in company, the great hon-
ours which he had received from the different
princes of Europe, and the orders with which
he had been dignified by numerous sovereigns,
112 JOE MILLER
a gentleman present took occasion to remark,
that he had not named the king of Prussia ; add-
ing — " I suppose, Sir, that monarch never gave
you any order! " — " You are quite mistaken,
Sir," replied the Chevalier ; " for, I can most
positively assure you, that he gave me a very
peremptory order — to quit his dominions."
1049. — One of the officers of a marching
regiment, Captain B., who was quartered in the
neighbourhood, was amusing himself by shooting
upon the lands of Lord M. ; and as it was then a
privilege extended without ceremony to all offi-
cers, he had not asked permission of the noble
lord. His lordship, however, saw the intruder
from his drawing-room window, summoned his
gamekeeper, and directed him to go instantly
and shoot the stranger's two dogs. The man
knew the character of his master, and, from his
tone and manner, saw that his command must be
obeyed. He rode off to the spot, addressed the
sportsman, apologized, but said he dared not go
back to his lordship with his orders disobeyed.
Captain B. expostulated, but at length, pointing
to one of his dogs, requested as a favour, that
the gamekeeper would kill that one first. The
shot was fired, and the poor dog fell. Captain
B., who carried a double-barrelled gun, instantly
advanced, and coolly discharged hi i piece
through the head of the gamekeeper's horse.
" Now," said he, addressing the fellow, who was
all astonishment and terror, " that is horse for
dog — fire again, and it shall be man for dog."
JOE MILLER 113
The invitation was of course declined. " And
now," he continued, " go back to your rascally
master, describe what you have seen, give him
this card, and tell him, that wherever I can find
him, in country or in town, I will horsewhip him
from that spot to the threshold of his own door."
The noble lord was early the next morning on
his way to London, and did not return to his
country residence until Captain B.'s regiment
had been ordered to a distant part of the king-
dom.
1050. — One of the Check-takers (an
Irishman) at the Zoological Society's Garden,
mentioned to a friend, that the Queen had visited
the garden incog, on a particular day. " Why,"
said the person he was informing, " it is odd we
never heard of it ! " — " Oh, not at all, at all," re-
joined Pat: " for she didn't come like a queen;
but clane and dacent like another lady ! "
1051. — A Gentleman, while sojourning at
one of the towns in Virginia, encountered in the
street a stout double-lunged negro, who was
ringing a hand-bell most manfully. After la-
bouring at it some time the fellow made a dead
halt, and bellowed out something to the following
effect : — " Sale dis nite — frying-pans — grid-
irons — book — oyster-knives, and odder kinds of
medicines — Joe Williams will hab some fresh
oysters at his 'stablishment — by tickler desire,
Mr. Hewlett will gib imitations ober again — two
or three dozen damaged discussion gun-locks —
and Rev. Air. P. will deliber a sarmont on tern-
114 JOE MILLER
pcrance, half-past six o'clock percise ; — dat's not
all ! — widout money or price — de great bull
Philip will be statint at Squire S 's — and
dat's not all nudder ! — dare will be a perlite and
coloured ball at Mrs. Johnson's jus arter dis is
bin done."
1052. — At a Late Court of Common Coun-
cil, while the Town Clerk was reading the min-
utes of the last Court, the Lord Mayor leaned
his head upon his hand. " I call the Town-Clerk
to order," said Mr. Samuel Dixon. " To order,"
said Mr. Savage, " what for? "— " What for? "
cried Mr. Dixon, " why he reads so loud he'll
wake the Lord Mayor." His lordship's reverie
was broken for the rest of the day.
1053. — A Painter in the Waterloo Road,
has the following announcement displayed on
the front of his house : — " The Acme of Sten-
cil ! " " A learned Theban " in the same line,
who has just commenced business in an adjoin-
ing street, in order to outdo the " old original "
stenciller, thus sets forth his pretentions, upon
a board of the dimensions of twelve feet by three
feet six : " Stencilling, in all its branches, per-
formed in the very height of acme ! "
1054.- — Ix the Extract from the Report of
the Legal Commissioners appointed to inquire
into the state of the jails in the West Indies, and
recently printed for the House of Commons, we
find the following questions put by the Commis-
sioners to the Deputy Provost Marshal of To-
JOE MILLER 115
bago, and his most extraordinary answers : — " Is
it (the jail) usually full? "— " Generally
empty."— "Is it sufficiently large?"— "Not
one-tenth part of the size it ought to be."
1055. — When Lord Townshend was Lord
Lieutenant of Ireland, the then provost of Dub-
lin, lost no opportunity of repeating his solicita-
tions for places. " My dear Hely," said his
lordship, " you have a great many things, and
I have nothing to give but a majority of dra-
goons." — " I accept it then," replied the pro-
vost. " What, you take a majority? " answered
his lordship, " zounds, it is impossible, I only
meant it as a joke." — " And I accept it," re-
plied the provost, " merely to show you how well
I can take a joke.'"
1056. — In the Town of Montrose, some of
the neighbouring wives having assembled to re-
tail to one another the scandal of the morning,
and having exhausted the subject, they next
passed their opinions on the beauty of names :
each considered her own as the prettiest, until
Mrs. Gold insisted that hers w r as the best, and in
idea produced the pleasantest feeling. " Yes,"
replied Mrs. Crowe, " gold is very pretty, but
it is not yours — you have only borrowed it."
One country schoolmaster meeting another,
who had generally a quid of tobacco in his
mouth, tapping him on the cheek, inquired,
Quid est hoc? — (what is this?)
to which the other promptly replied,
Hoc est quid, — (this is a quid.)
116 JOE MILLER
1057. — When Mr. Bligh was a captain in a
regiment of infantry, and he and his lady were
travelling in Yorkshire, they put up at an inn,
where there happened only to be just as much in
the larder as would serve them for dinner, which
was immediately ordered. In the meantime,
some sporting gentlemen of the country came in,
and finding there was nothing in the house but
what was getting ready for another company,
asked who they were. The landlord told them
he did not exactly know, but he believed the gen-
tleman was an Irish officer. " Oh, hang him,
if he is Irish," says one of the company, " a
potatoe will serve him. Here, waiter, take up
this watch (taking out an elegant gold watch),
carry it up stairs, and ask the gentleman what's
o'clock." The waiter, at first, hesitated ; but
the company insisted upon his delivering the
message, and he was obliged to comply. Mr.
Bligh was surprised at such an impudent mes-
sage, but recollecting himself a moment, took the
watch from the waiter, and sent his compliments
to the company, that he would tell them
before they parted. The message, however,
produced his dinner to be sent up in quiet ; which,
after he had eat, he clapped a pair of horse-pis-
tols under his arm, and going downstairs, intro-
duced himself to the company, by telling them,
he was come to tell them what o'clock it was ; but
first begged to be informed to which of the gen-
tlemen the watch belonged: — here a dead silence
ensued. Mr. Bligh then began on his right
JOE MILLER 117
hand, by asking them severally the question, each
of whom denied his knowledge of the circum-
stance. " Oh, then," says he, " gentlemen, I find
I have mistaken the room ; the waiter awhile ago
brought me an impudent message from some peo-
ple in this house, which I come, as you see
(pointing to his pistols), properly to resent, but
I find I have mistaken the company : " saying
this, he wished them a good evening, paid his
bill, stepped into his carriage, and drove off with
the watch in his pocket, which he kept to the
day of his death.
1058. — Two Dinner-hunters meeting in
Pall-mall a short time back, one inquired of the
other how he had been for some days. He re-
plied — " In a very poor way indeed, I have not
been able to eat anything at all." — " God bless
me," said his hungry friend, " that is extremely
strange, you generally have a very good appe-
tite, you must have been seriously ill." — " Oh !
not at all, believe me, you misconceive my mean-
ing, I could have eat, but the reason why I have
not been able to do so is, that no one has invited,
me to dinner."
1059. — Mr. Curran was once asked, what
an Irish gentleman, just arrived in England,
could mean by perpetually putting out his
tongue. " I suppose," replied the wit, " he's
trying to catch the English accent."
1060. — Generae Mackenzie when com-
mander-in-chief of the Chatham division of ma-
118 JOE MILLER
rines, during the late war, was very rigid in the
duty ; and, among other regulations, would suffer
no officer to be saluted on guard if out of his
uniform. It one day happened that the general
observed a lieutenant of marines in a plain dress,
and, though he knew the young officer intimately
well, he called to the sentinel to turn him out.
The officer appealed to the general, saying who
he was : " I know you not," said the general ;
" turn him out." A short time after, the general
had been at a small distance from Chatham, to pay
a visit, and returning in the evening, in a blue
coat, claimed entrance at the yard gate. The
sentinel demanded the countersign, which the
general not knowing, desired the officer of the
guard to be sent for, who proved to be the lieu-
tenant whom the general had treated so cav-
alierly. — " Who are you? " inquired the officer.
— " I am General Mackenzie," was the reply. —
"What, without an uniform?" rejoined the
lieuteant ; " Oh, get back, get back, impostor ;
the general would break your bones if he knew
you assumed his name." The general on this
made his retreat; and the next day inviting the
young officer to breakfast, told him, "He had
done his duty with very commendable exactness."
1061. — Davtd Hartley, member for Hull,
during the coalition administration, was remark-
able for the length and dulness of his speeches.
On one occasion, having reduced the house from
three hundred to about eighty sleepy hearers, by
one of his harangues, just at the time it was sup-
JOE MILLER 119
posed he would conclude, he moved that the Riot
Act should be read, in order to prove one of his
previous assertions. Burke, who had been
bursting with impatience for full an hour and a
half, and who was anxious to speak to the ques-
tion, finding himself about to be so cruelly dis-
appointed, rose, exclaiming, " The Riot Act, m} r
dear friend! the Riot Act! to what purpose.
Don't you see that the mob is already completely
dispersed?" Every person present was con-
vulsed with laughter, except Hartley, who never
changed countenance, and who still insisted that
the Riot Act should be read by the clerk.
1062. — A Frenchman meeting an English
soldier with a Waterloo medal, began sneeringly
to animadvert on our government for bestow-
ing such a trifle, which did not cost them three
francs. — " That is true, to be sure," replied the
hero, " it did not cost the English government
three francs, but it cost the French a Napoleon/'
1063. — Collins, the Poet, though of a
melancholy cast of mind, was by no means averse
to a jeu de mot, or quibble. Upon coming into
a town the day after a young lady, of whom he
was fond, had left it, he said, how unlucky he was
that he had come a day after the fair.
1064. — A Negro in Jamaica was tried for
theft, and ordered to be flogged. He begged
to be heard, which being granted, he asked, " If
white man buy stolen goods, why he be no flogged
too? »—« Well," said the judge, " so he would."
120 JOE MILLER
— " Dere den," replied Mungo, " is my massa,
he buy tolen goods, he knew me tolen, and yet
he buy vie."
1065. — During the War carried on by the
Great Frederick of Prussia, the English Envo}"
at Berlin having occasion to inform his majesty
of a victory gained by the British, observed, " It
had pleased Divine Providence," &c. — " What ! "
said his majesty, " is God Almighty one of your
allies?" — "Yes, sire," replied the Englishman,
" and the only one who does not demand any sub-
sidies from us."
1066. — Some Years Since, one of the sons
of a celebrated Jew was on the point of being
married to a Christian ; on which the father, ob-
jecting to the smallness of the lady's fortune,
expostulated with his son, and told him that he
might have a female with more money: however,
the young gentleman, vindicating his choice, re-
plied, " that whether he would consent or not,
lie would marry her ; and if he refused to give
him a portion, lie would turn Christian, claim the
benefit of an English law, and obtain half he
possessed." At this ansAver, the father was
greatly embarrassed: and, consulting counsel,
the counsellor replied, " there was such a law,
and that his son, turning Christian, would ob-
tain half his estate: but if you'll make me a
present of ten guineas," added lie, "I will put
you in a way to disappoint him." At this news
the old gentleman's hopes revived, and pulling
ten guineas out of his pocket, instantly clappeel
JOE MILLER 121
them into the lawyer's hand, expressing his im-
patience to know how he was to proceed. The
counsellor replied, with a smile, " You have
nothing to do, Mr. , but to turn Christian
yourself."
1067. — Alembert, at his leaving college,
found himself alone and unconnected with the
world, and sought an asylum in the house of his
nurse. Here he lived and studied for the space
of forty years. His good nurse perceived his
ardent activity, and heard him mentioned as the
writer of many books ; but never took it into her
head that he was a great man, and rather beheld
him with a kind of compassion. " You will
never," said she to him one day, " be anything
but a philosopher : and what is a philosopher ?
— a fool, who toils and plagues himself during
his life, that people may talk of him when he is
no more.'*
1068. — A Lady of Rank, dancing one even-
ing, approached so near to a chandelier, that the
fluttering plume of feathers, waving to and fro
on her forehead, came in contact with the flame,
and the whole was instantly in a blaze. The
illumination, however, was quickly and happilv
extinguished without harm ; when her husband,
seeing the danger avoided, and the thoughtless-
ness of the act that urged it, peevishly and half
angrily exclaimed, " Surely your ladyship must
be absolutely mad! " — " No, no," replied her
ladyship, " only a little light-headed"
122 JOE MILLER
1069. — At that time of the administration of
the late Mr. Pitt, when petitions for peace were
presented to the throne from all parts of Eng-
land, Mr. W. Rathbone, a Quaker, was deputed
to carry the address from the town of Liverpool ;
when, contrary to custom, he presented it on both
knees, which so astonished our gracious monarch,
that he exclaimed, " What ! what do you go on
two knees for? One knee — never more than one
knee." To which Mr. R. gravely replied,
" Sire, I bend one to God Almighty, to pardon
my bending the other to a man."
1070. — On a Trial between a buckle-maker
and one of the same trade, on an encroachment
made upon a patent which the former had ob-
tained, an advocate from North Britain, prais-
ing the invention of his client, looking at his
own buckles, exclaimed, " So elegantly are these
ornaments constructed, that, were my ancestors
to rise from their graves, and happen to observe
my legs, how would they be surprised ! " —
" Very true, my learned brother," cried the
counsel for the defendant ; " they would be very
much surprised indeed, to find you had got either
shoes or stockings ! "
1071. — A Fellow of Oxford College see-
ing Tom Brown in a tattered gown, said, " Tom,
I "
your gown's grown too short for you." — " Al
replied Tom, "that's true; but it will be long
enough before I get another."
1072. — A Quaker from Bristol, who latety
JOE MILLER 123
alighted at an inn, called for some porter, and
observing, as it is now the. fashion, the pint de-
ficient in quantity, thus addressed the landlord:
— " Pray, friend, how many butts of beer dost
thou draw in a month? " — " Ten, Sir," replied
Boniface. — " And thou wouldst like to draw
eleven if thou couldst," rejoined Ebenczer. —
" Certainly," exclaimed the smiling landlord. —
" Then I will tell thee how, friend," added the
Quaker: " fill thy measures."
1073. — Charles XII. of Sweden went early
one morning to consult his prime minister. He
was in bed, and the king was obliged to wait
till he rose. Charles passed the time in talking
with a soldier whom he found in the ante-cham-
ber. At last, the minister appeared, and made
many apologies. The soldier, extremely con-
fused for having accosted his sovereign with so
much freedom, threw himself at his feet, and
said, " Sire, forgive me, for I really took you
for a man." — " You have done no harm, friend,"
said the king, " your mistake was natural ; for
nothing is, I assure you, so much like a man as a
king."
1074. — Sterne, who used his wife very ill,
was one day talking to Garrick in a fine senti-
mental manner in praise of conjugal love and
fidelity. " The husband," said Sterne, " who be-
haves unkindly to his wife deserves to have his
house burnt over his head." — " If you think so,"
said Garrick, " I hope your house is insured."
124 JOE MILLER
1075. — A Short* Time previous to the sur-
render of Calais, in the year 1346, the English
fell in with and beat the French fleet, many of
whose ships they sunk. None dared to carry the
news to Philip, the French king ; till after a long
time, his jester appeared in his presence, flounc-
ing, and exclaiming in the most contemptuous
manner against the English for their miserable
cowardice — " Dastardly Englishmen ! " said he ;
" faint-hearted Englishmen ! cowardly English-
men ! " The king, inquiring the cause of his
anger and contempt, received the news of his
misfortune in the following answer — " Because
they durst not leap out of their ships into the
sea, as our brave Frenchmen did."
1076. — Triboueet, the fool of Francis the
First, was threatened with death by a man in
power, of whom he had been speaking disrespect-
fully ; and he applied to the king for protec-
tion. " Be satisfied," said the king ; " if any man
should put you to death, I will order him to be
hanged a quarter of an hour after." — " Ah,
Sir ! " replied Triboulet, " I should be much
obliged, if 3 r our Majesty would order him to be
hanged a quarter of an hour before."
1077. — A Bookseleeh, in a large way, having
been threatened relative to a publication sup-
posed to have been libellous, was asked, by a
friend, how it had happened to escape his read-
ing. "My reading!" exclaimed the other:
" yon might as well expect an apothecary to
JOE MILLER 125
take his own drugs, as a bookseller to read every
book he publishes."
1078. — A Sailor coming across Blackhcath
one evening, was stopped by a footpad, who de-
manded his money, when a scuffle ensued. The
tar took the robber, and bore away with his prize
to a justice of the peace at Woolwich. When the
magistrate came to examine into the assault, he
told the sailor that he must take his oath that the
robber had put him in bodily fear, otherwise he
could not commit him. The sailor, looking
steadfastly at the justice, answered, " He, — he
put me in bodily fear ! No, nor any he that ever
lived; therefore, if that is the case, you may let
him go — for I will not swear to any such a lie."
1079. — The Late Dr. Glover, well known
for being one of the best companions in the
world, was returning from a tavern one morning
early, across Covent Garden, when a chairman
cried out, " A chair ! your honour, a chair ! "
Glover took no notice, but called his dog, who
was a good way behind, " Scrub, Scrub, Scrub ! "
— " Och, indeed ! " says the chairman, " there
goes a pair o' ye ! " The facetious doctor gave
his countryman half a crown for the merry wit-
ticism.
1080. — As a Regiment of Soldiers were
marching through a country town, the captain
(a strict disciplinarian) observed that one of the
drums did not beat, and ordered a lieutenant to
inquire the reason. The fellow, on being in-
126 JOE MILLER
terrogated, whispered the lieutenant, " I have
two ducks and a turkey in my drum, and the
turkey is for his honour." This being whispered
to the captain, he exclaimed, " Why didn't the
fellow say he was lame? I do not want men to
do their duty when they are not able."
1081. — A Painter was employed in painting
a West India ship in the river, suspended on a
stage under the ship's stern. The captain, who
had just got into the boat alongside, for the
purpose of going ashore, ordered the boy to let
go the painter (the rope which makes fast the
boat) : the boy instantly went aft, and let go the
rope by which the painter's stage was held. The
captain, surprised at the boy's delay, cried out,
" Heigh-ho, there, you lazy lubber, why don't
you let go the painter? " The boy replied,
" He's gone, Sir, pots and all."
1082. — A Link Boy asked Dr. Burgess, the
preacher, if he would have a light. " No, child,"
says the Doctor, " I am one of the lights of the
world." — " I wish then," replied the boy, " you
were hung up at the end of our alley, for it is a
very dark one."
1083. — Philip, king of France, once met a
beggar, who solicited a rich gift of him ; urging
it as a reason, that he was the king's brother.
Philip smiled, and inquired of the beggar, how
that could be, and desired to know who was his
father. The beggar answered, he was born of
Adam, who is the father of us all. The king
JOE MILLER 127
immediately ordered his chamberlain to give him
a farthing. The beggar, however, complained
that it was not a royal gift. The king then an-
swered, if he were obliged to give as much to all
his brothers, who claimed relationship with him,
as being born of Adam, he would be obliged to
sell his kingdom ; and advised the beggar to
solicit as much from every one of his brothers,
and his purse would soon be full.
1084. — An Honest Jack Tar would be
coached up to town from Deptford, but thought
it a very unbecoming thing in him, who had just
been paid off, and had plenty of money, not to
have a whole coach to himself; of course, took
all the seats, seating himself at the same time
upon the top. The coach was about to set off,
when a gentleman appeared, who was holding an
altercation with the coachman, about the absurd-
ity of his insisting that the seats were all taken,
and not a person in the coach. Jack, overhear-
ing high words, thought, as he had paid full
freight, he had a right to interfere, inquired
what was the matter. When being told that the
gentleman was much disappointed at not getting
a seat, he replied, " You lubber, stow him away
in the hold ! but he shall not come up on deck."
1085. — The Late Right Honourable
Charees Fox, in the course of a speech which
he made in the House of Commons, when enlarg-
ing on the influence exercised by government
over the members, observed, that is was generally
understood that the minister employed a person
128 JOE MILLER
as manager of the House of Commons ; here there
was a general cry of " Name him ! Name him ! "
— " No,' 5 said Mr. Fox, " I don't choose to name
him, though 1 might do it as easy as say Jack
Robinson." That was really his name.
1086. — A Traveller relating some of his ad-
ventures, told the company, that he and his ser-
vant made fifty wild Arabians run ; which excit-
ing surprise, he observed, there was no such
great matter in it ; " for," says he, " we run,
and they run after us."
1087. — A Certain Young Clergyman,
modest, almost to bashfulness, was once asked
by a country apothecary, of a contrary char-
acter, in a public and crowded assembly, and in a
tone of voice sufficient to catch the attention of
the whole company, " How it happened that
the patriarchs lived to such extreme old age? "
To which question he immediately replied, " Per-
haps they took no physic."
1088. — Two English Gentlemen, some
time ago, visited the field of Bannockburn, so
celebrated for the total defeat of the English
army, by Robert the Bruce, with an army of
Scottish heroes, not one fourth their number: —
A sensible countryman pointed out the positions
of both armies, the stone where the Bruce's
standard was fixed during the battle, &c. Highly
satisfied with his attention, the gentlemen, on
leaving him, pressed his acceptance of a crown-
piece : — " Na, na," said the honest man, return-
JOE MILLER 129
ing the money, " keep jour crown-piece, — the
English line paid dear enough already for seeing
the field of Bannockburn."
1089. — Soon After Dr. Johnson's Return
from Scotland to London, a Scottish lady, at
whose house he was, as a compliment, ordered
some hotch-potch for his dinner. After the doc-
tor had tasted it, she asked him if it was good?
To which he replied, " Very good for hogs! " —
" Then, pray," said the lady, " let me help you
to a little more."
1090. — A Nobee Lord a short time ago ap-
plied to a pawnbroker to lend him 1000 guineas
on his wife's jewels, for which he had paid 4000.
" Take the articles to pieces," said his lordship,
" number the stones, and put false ones in their
place, my lady will not distinguish them." —
" You are too late, my lord," said the pawn-
broker, " your lady has stole a march upon you,
these stones are false, I bought the diamonds of
her ladyship a twelvemonth ago."
1091.- — At the Commencement of the
French Revolution, when the popular excite-
ment was at its height upon the subject of the
Royal veto, Mirabeau heard an old woman in
one of the fauxbourgs, bawling out, with all im-
aginable zeal, " No veto ; no veto ! " — " My good
woman," said Mirabeau, " I am a stranger in
Paris, but find everybody talkino* about the veto,
do tell me what it means." — " Means," said she,
130 JOE MILLER
" why a tax upon sugar, to be sure — so, no veto !
no veto ! "
1092. — An Affectation of Knowledge, is
always worse than an acknowledgment of actual
ignorance. A person lately called on a friend
to complain of a letter which he had received,
containing matter by no means complimentary.
" Do you know who has addressed this letter to
you? " said his friend. " No," was the answer.
" Then it was anonymous I suppose." — " Yes,"
replied the insulted party, with the most imper-
turbable gravity, " Very anonymous indeed, I
assure you."
1093. — A French Officer was speaking at
a table d'hote, of his first impressions on seeing
English soldiers, and attempted to ridicule them,
by saying, that they had faces as round as Che-
shire cheeses. An English officer replied, " Mon-
sieur, you are very polite, and allow me to say,
that if your soldiers had shewed us a little more
of their faces, and less of their backs, I should
be very glad to return your compliment."
1094. — A Caravan of Wied Beasts arriving
lately in an American village, the elephant was
accommodated in a large carriage-house —
where, it appeared, a hale two-fisted negro from
the country, who had never before seen or heard
of an elephant, had laid down to sleep. On wak-
ing, blacky was not a little astonished at his
strange bed-fellow. What could it be ! The
devil ! The huge mass moved, when, lo ! a tail at
JOE MILLER 131
both ends put all doubt to flight, and, with one
despairing leap, he was out of the loft window,
without once calculating the chance of breaking
his fteck. In the fulness of his astonishment
and joy at his escape, he could tell no more of
the occasion of his alarm, than of a devil with
two tails, and describe in his best way an extend-
ing, contracting, flexible tail, that no distance
could secure jou from. When the mystery was
explained, and poor blacky a little pacified, he
swore — " by ginny, he no so much skeer at his
bigness — but that tarnal tail at both ends — he
no like urn."
1095. — A Female having been summoned be-
fore the court of judicature in Calcutta, deposed
that a circumstance involved in the cause oc-
curred in her presence. The judge asked where
it happened? She replied, " In the verandah of
such a house." — " Pray, my good woman," said
the judge, " how many pillars are in that ver-
andah." — The woman not" perceiving the trap
that was laid for her, said, without much con-
sideration, that the verandah was supported by
four pillars. The counsel for the opposite party,
immediately offered to prove that the verandah
contained five pillars, and that, consequently, no
credit could be given to her evidence. The
woman perceiving her error, addressed the judge,
and said, " My lord, your lordship has for many
years presided in this court, and every day that
you come here you ascend a flight of stairs, may
I beg to know how many steps these stairs con-
132 JOE MILLER
sist of." The judge confessed lie did not know.
" Then," replied she, " if your lordship cannot
tell the number of steps you daily ascend to the
seat of justice, it cannot be astonishing that I
should forget the number of pillars in a balcony
which I never entered half-a-dozen times in my
life."
1096. — A " Poor Player " in a mixed com-
pany, undertook to quote a passage from Shak-
speare, that should be applicable to any remark
that might be made by any person present. A
forward young fellow undertook to supply a
sentence that he believed could not be answered
from the works of the bard; and addressing the
player, he said, " You are the most insolent pre-
tender in the room." — " You forget yourself,"
promptly replied the player, quoting from the
quarrel-scene between Brutus and Cassius.
1097. — At a Public Dinner, a gentleman
observed a person who sat opposite use a tooth-
pick which had just done the same service to his
neighbour. — Wishing to apprise him of his
mistake, he said, " I beg your pardon, Sir, but
you are using Mr. 's tooth-pick." — " I
know I am. By the powers, Sir, do you think
I am not going to return it? "
1098. — A Leicestershire Farmer who had
never seen a silver fork, had some soup handed
to him at a dinner lately. He found that no
spoon was placed at his elbow. Lifting the fork,
and twirling it in his fingers for some time, he
JOE MILLER \W
called the waiter, and requested him to bring " a
silver spoon wi'out ony slits in it."
1099. — A Lady, who had the pleasure of hear-
ing Dr. Johnson read Goldsmith's Traveller
from the beginning to the end on its first coming
out, exclaimed, " I shall never more think Dr.
Goldsmith ugly." — This lady, on another occa-
sion, being in a large party, was called upon
after supper for her toast, and seeming embar-
rassed, she was desired to give the ugliest man
she knew ; and she immediately named Dr. Gold-
smith, on which a lady on the other side of the
table rose up, and reached across to shake hands
with her, expressing some desire of being better
acquainted — it being the first time they had met ;
on which Dr. Johnson said, " Thus the ancients,
on the commencement of their friendships, used
to sacrifice a beast betwixt them."
1100. — Between a Protestant clergyman
and a Roman Catholic lawyer, who had very
little good feeling towards each other, the fol-
lowing occurrence took place not far from Bath :
— " If," asked the clergyman, " a neighbour's
dog destroy my ducks, can I recover damages
by law?" — "Certainly," replied the lawyer,
" you can recover ; pray, what are the circum-
stances? " — "Why, Sir, your dog, last night,
destroyed two of my ducks." — " Indeed, then
you certainly could recover the damages ; what is
the amount? I'll instantly discharge it." The
demand of four shillings and sixpence was made
and paid, when the lawyer immediately made a
134 JOE MILLER
demand of his fee, six shillings and eightpence,
which, unless instantly paid, he should adopt
legal means to recover.
1101. — Aei Hazin, an eastern writer, in his
autobiography, assimilates himself, while labour-
ing under sea-sickness, to a mill-horse — " my
head goes round puzzled to know why it goes
round."
1102. — General Rapp was aide-de-camp to
Buonaparte. He once ushered a dark looking
Corsican to his presence, and took care to hold
the door open while the interview lasted. When
questioned by Buonaparte why he did this, "Be-
cause," replied Rapp, " I don't put much trust
in your Corsicans." This blunt remark caused
much amusement.
1103. — Lord Mansfield, when a counsellor,
used very frequently to pass the time from Sun-
day afternoon to Monday morning with Lord
Foley, who was not remarkable for talent.
Charles Townshend being asked what could in-
duce Murray to pass his time in such company,
answered, " Murray is a prudent fellow. From
the nature of his business he is obliged to say a
great deal in the course of the week, and he goes
down to Foley's to rest his understanding."
1104. — A Certain Lodging-House was very
much infested by vermin — a gentleman who
slept there one night, told the landlady so in the
morning, when she said, " La, Sir, we haven '1"
a single bug in the house." — " >(o, ma'am,"
JOE MILLER 135
said lie, " they're all married, and have large
families, too."
1105. — Colonel S e of the royal ma-
rines, was always distinguished for the perspic-
uity and brevity of his speeches, of which the fol
lowing is a specimen, which was delivered in go
ing into the battle of the Nile : — Sir James
Saumarez, who commanded the man-of-war to
which he belonged, had, in a lengthened speech,
wound up the feelings to the highest pitch of
ardour for the fight, by reminding them of the
duty they owed to their king and country ; and
though last, not least, he desired them to call to
mind their families, their parents, and sweet-
hearts, and to fight as if the battle solely de-
pended on their individual exertions. He was
answered by looks and gestures highly expres-
sive of their determination ; then turning to our
hero, he said, " Now, S e, I leave you to
speak to the marines." — Colonel S e immedi-
ately directed their attention to the land beyond
the French fleet. " Do you see that land there? "
he asked. They all shouted, " Ay, ay, Sir ! " —
" Now, my lads, that's the land of Egypt, and
if you don't fight like devils, you'll soon be in
the house of bondage. '* He was answered by a
real British cheer fore and aft.
1106. — A Cantab being out of ready cash,
went in haste to a fellow-student to borrow, who
happened to be in bed at the time. Shaking
him, the Cantab demanded, — " Are you asleep? "
— "Why?" says the student. "Because," re-
136 JOE MILLER
plied the other, " I want to borrow half-a-
crown." — " Then," answered the student, " I'm
asleep."
1107. — Tom Randolph, who was then a stu-
dent in Cambridge, having staid in London so
long that he might truly be said to have had
a parley with his empty purse, was resolved to
see Ben Jonson with his associates, who, as he
heard, at a set time, kept a club together at the
Devil Tavern, near Temple Bar. Accordingly
he went thither at the specified time ; but, being
unknown to them, and wanting money, which,
to a spirit like Tom's, was the most daunting
thing in the world, he peeped into the room
where they were, and was espied by Ben Johnson,
who, seeing him in a scholar's thread-bare habit,
cried out, " John Bo-peep, come in ! " which ac-
cordingly he did. They immediately began to
rhyme upon the meanness of his clothes, asking
him if he could not make a verse, and, withal,
to call for his quart of sack. There being but
four of them, he immediately replied —
I John Bo-peep,
To yon four sheep,
With each one his good fleece;
If that you are willing,
To give me five shilling, —
'Tis fifteen pence a-piece.
" By Jasus ! " exclaimed Ben Jonson (his
usual oath), "I believe this is my son Ran-
dolph ; " which being made known to them, he
JOE MILLER 137
was kindly entertained in their company, and
Ben Jonson ever after called him his son.
1108. — The Rev. George Harvest, fellow
of Magdalen College, Cambridge, with a good
heart possessed many oddities. One night, seated
amidst all the pageantry of politeness with Lady
O and the family, in the front box of a
London theatre, poor Harvest, on pulling out
his handkerchief, brought with it an old greasy
night-cap, which fell into the pit. " Who owns
this ? " cries a gentleman below, elevating the
trophy at the same time on the point of his cane ;
"Who owns this?" The unaffected Harvest,
little considering the delicate sensations of his
friends, and overjoyed at the recovery of this
valuable chattel, eagerly darts out his hand,
seizes the cap, and in the action cries out, " It is
mine ! " The party were utterly disconcerted at
the circumstance, and blushed for their com-
panion, who rather expected their congratula-
tions at the recovery of his property.
1109. — It is Sufficiently Notorious that
Porson was not remarkably attentive to the dec-
orating of his person ; indeed he was at times dis-
agreeably negligent. On 'one occasion he went
to visit a friend, where a gentleman, who did not
know Porson, was anxiously expecting a barber.
On Porson's entering the library where he was
sitting, the gentleman started up, and hastily
exclaimed, " Are you the barber? " — " No, Sir,"
answered Porson ; " but I'm a cunning shaver,
much at your service."
138 JOE MILLER
1110. — Herring, afterwards archbishop,
slipped down a bank, and fell into the mud in a
ditch near St. John's College. A wag, passing
by at the time, exclaimed, " There, Herring, you
are in a fine pickle now ! " A Johnian, to which
college the immemorial privilege of punning had
been conceded in the Spectator's time, and who
had consequently a disposition to be pleased w T ith
puns, went home laughing most immoderately all
the way at the joke. Some of his fellow-col-
legians inquiring the cause of his merriment : " I
never heard," said he, " a better thing in my life.
Herring, of Jesus, fell into the ditch in the
piece, and an acquaintance said, as he lay sprawl-
ing, ' There, Herring ! you are in a fine condi-
tion now ! ' " — " Well," said his companions,
" where is the wit of it, pray ? " — " Nay/' he
said, " I am sure it was a good thing when I
heard it."
1111. — When the Prince of Orange,
afterwards William the Third, came over to this
country, five of the seven bishops who were sent
to the Tower declared for his highness ; but the
other two would not come into the measures.
Upon which Dry den said, " that the seven golden
candlesticks were sent to be assayed in the Tower,
and five of them proved prince's metal."
1112. — A Gentleman of Trinity College,
travelling through France with a friend, in what,
on that side of the water, was called a chaise, was
very much teased with the mode of travelling,
particularly as they made so little progress, and
JOE MILLER 139
he wanted to reach the next town at a set time.
He tried gentle means of persuasion to induce
the postillion to urge his steeds, but in vain.
After floundering about in French, till he was
out of all patience, for he was no great dab at it,
and, withal, not being in possession of any of
those emphatic phrases which are equivalent to
such as Englishmen are accustomed to vent their
anger in, he bethought himself, that, if he was
not understood, he might at least frighten the
fellow by using some high-sounding words ; and,
collecting all the powers of eloquence of which he
was master, with the voice of a stentor, he roared
into the ear of the postillion : — " Westmoreland,
Cumberland, Northumberland, Durham ! " which
the fellow mistaking for some tremendous oath,
accompanied with a threat, had the desired effect,
and induced him to increase his speed.
1113. — Dr. Boldero, formerly master of
Jesus College, had been treated with great sever-
ity by the protectorate for his attachment to the
royal cause, as was Herring, at that time Bishop
of Ely, and in whose gift the mastership of Jesus
College is vested. On a vacancy of the master-
ship occurring, Boldero, without any pretensions
to the appointment, in plain English plucks up
his spirits, or, in Homer's language, speaks to his
magnanimous soul, and presents his petition to
the bishop. "Who are you?" says his lord-
ship, " I know nothing of you ! I never heard
of you before ! " — " My lord," replied Boldero,
" I have suffered long and severely for my at-
140 JOE MILLER
tachment to my ro} 7 al master, as well as your
lordship, and I believe your lordship and I have
been in all the gaols in England." — " What does
the fellow mean ! " exclaimed the bishop ; " Man !
I never was confined in any prison but the
Tower! "— " And, my lord," said Boldero, " I
have been in all the rest myself ! " The bishop's
heart was melted at this reply, and he granted
B older o's petition.
1114. — The President of a Certain Coe-
eege in Cambridge was one evening listening at
the door of one of the under-graduates of his col-
lege, suspecting something improper to be pro-
ceeding within. The student, by some means,
having acquired a knowledge of the snare, taking
the pot de chambre in his hand, he suddenly
opened his door and discharged the contents over
the president, accompanied with a kick, exclaim-
ing, at the same time, " Get down, you rascal !
I'll tell the president of your listening at my
door ! "
1115. — Lord Melcombe, when his name was
plain Bubb, was intended by the administration
of that time to be sent ambassador to Spain.
While this matter was in contemplation, Lord
Chesterfield met him, and, touching him upon the
proposed embassy, told Bubb, that he did not,
by any means, think him fit to be the representa-
tive of the crown of England, at the Spanish
court. Bubb begged to know the ground of his
objection : " Why," said his lordship, " your
name is too short. Bubb, Bubb, — do you think
JOE MILLER 141
the Spaniards, a people who pride themselves on
their family honours, and the length of their
titles, will suppose a man can possess any dignity
or importance, with a name of one syllabic, which
can be pronounced in a second? No, my dear
friend, you must not think of Spain, unless you
make some addition to your name ! " — Bubb de-
sired his lordship to say what he would have him
do. Lord Chesterfield, pausing a moment, ex-
claimed, — " I have it : what do you think of call-
ing yourself Silly-Bubb? "
1116. — It is Related that Dr. Mansel,
then an undergraduate of Trinity College, Cam-
bridge, by chance called at the rooms of a brother
Cantab, who was absent ; but he had left on his
table the opening of a poem, which was in the
following lofty strain : —
" The sun's perpendicular rays
Illumine the depths of the sea;"
Here the flight of the poet by some accident
stopped short; but Dr. Mansel, who was seldom
(if we may credit fame) lost on such occasions,
illuminated the subject by completing the stanza
in the following facetious style: —
" The fishes, beginning to sweat,
Cried, d — n it, how hot we shall be!"
1117. — At an Examination for the degree
of B. A. in the Senate House, Cambridge, under
an examiner whose name was Payne, one of the
142 JOE MILLER
moral questions was — " Give a definition of hap-
piness ? " To which one of the candidates re-
turned the following laconic answer, — " An ex-
emption from Payne." Some persons are so un-
fortunate as to buy their wit at a great price,
as was proved in the above case ; for, on the gen-
tleman declining to apologize to Mr. Payne, he
was suspended from his degree, for a very con-
siderable time.
1118. — A Student of St. John's College,
who was remarkable for his larks and eccentric-
ities, during the time he was dining in hall,
called to a bon vivant, at another table, to say,
" that he had got a fine fox in his rooms, for
him.! " This being overheard by the marker,
who was a kind of mongrel fetch-and-carry to a
certain dean, and who understood the student in
a literal sense, he took an early opportunity to in-
form the dean of the circumstance. The stu-
dent was very soon summoned before the master
and seniors, for what he knew not; however, on
entering, he was informed, " they had learned he
kept a fox in his rooms — a thing not to be tol-
erated by the college." — " It is very true," re-
plied the accused ; " I have a bust of Charles
James Fox, at your service ! "
1119. — Through an Avenue of Trees, at,
the back of Trinity College, a church may be
seen at a considerable distance, the approach to
which affords no very pleasing scenery. The
late Professor Porson, on a time, walking that
way with a friend, and observing the church,
JOE MILLER 143
remarked, " That it put him in mind of a fellow-
ship, which was a long dreary walk, with a
church at the end of it."
1120. — Quin having had an invitation from
a certain nobleman, who was reputed to keep a
very elegant table, to dine with him, and having
no manner of aversion to a good repast, he ac-
cordingly waited on his lordship, but found the
regale far from answering his expectations.
Upon taking leave, the servants, who were very
numerous, had ranged themselves in the hall.
Quin finding that if he gave to each of them it
would amount to a pretty large sum, asked,
which was the cook ? who readily answered, " Me,
Sir." He then inquired for the butler, who was
as quick in replying as the other; when he said
to the first, " Here is half a crown for my eat-
ing ; " and to the other, " Here is five shillings
for my wine ; but, upon my word, gentlemen, I
never had so bad a dinner for the money in my
life."
1121. — A Jockey Lord met his old college
tutor at a great horse fair. " Ah ! doctor," ex-
claimed his lordship, " what brings you here
among these highbred cattle ? Do you think you
can distinguish a horse from an ass? " — " My
lord," replied the tutor, " I soon perceived you
among these horses."
1122. — A Lady invited Dean Swift to dinner,
and as she heard he was not easily pleased, she
had taken care to provide in profusion every
1U JOE MILLER
delicacy which could be procured. The Dean
was scarcely seated before the lady began a cere-
monious harangue, expressing much grief that
she had not a more tolerable dinner, fearing ex-
ceedingly there was not anything fit for him to
eat. " Plague take you," said the Dean, " why
did you not provide a better? certainly you have
had time enough ; but since you say it is so bad,
I'll e'en go home and eat a herring ; " and he ac-
cordingly departed in violent haste.
1123. — When the Valiant Gustavus
Adoephus, King of Sweden, attacked Poland,
he took the town of Riga, and, after other vari-
ous successes, laid siege to Mew. Here, in the
hurry and confusion of the conflict, Gustavus fell
twice into the enemy's hands. How he escaped
the first time cannot be well ascertained; but he
was extricated a second time by the admirable
presence of mind of a Swedish horseman, who
(to conceal his majesty's quality) cried aloud to
the Poles, " Have a care of yourselves, for we
will rescue my brother ; " since, by the way, it
must be noted, that he had three or four com-
panions at his elbow: this task he performed in
an instant. When, not long afterwards, Gustavus
perceived his deliverer made a prisoner in his
turn, he put himself at the head of a troop, and
brought him off triumphantly. " Now," says he,
"brother soldier, we arc upon equal terms; for
the obligation is become reciprocal."
1124. — The Emperor Rodolphus Aus-
teiacus being at Nuremburg upon public busi-
JOE MILLER 145
ncss, a merchant came before liim with a com-
plaint against an inn-keeper, who had cheated
him of a bag of money which he had deposited
in his hands, but which the other denied ever hav-
ing received. The emperor asked what evidence
he had of the fact; and the merchant replied,
that no person was at all privy to the affair but
the two parties. The emperor next inquired
what kind of bag it was ; and when the merchant
had described it particularly, he was ordered to
withdraw into the next room. The emperor was
about to send for the inn-keeper, when, fortu-
nately, the man came himself just in time, with
the principal inhabitants of the place, to wait
upon his majesty. The emperor knew him very
well; and as Rudolphus was very pleasant in his
manner, he accosted him familiarly, saying,
" You have a handsome cap, pray give it to me,
and let us exchange." The inn-keeper, being
very proud of this distinction, readily presented
his cap ; and his majesty soon after retiring, sent
a trusty and well known inhabitant of the city to
the wife of the host, saying, " Your husband
desires you would send him such a bag of money,
for he has a special occasion for it ; and by this
token he has sent his cap." The woman delivered
the bag without any suspicion, and the messen-
ger returned with it to the emperor, who asked
the merchant if he knew it, and he owned it with
joy. Next the host was called in, to whom the
emperor said, " This man accuses you of having
defrauded him of a bag of money committed to
146 JOE MILLER
your trust — what say you to the charge ? " The
inn-keeper boldly said, " it was a lie, or that the
man must be mad, for he had never any concerns
with him whatever." Upon this the emperor pro-
duced the bag; at the sight of which the host
was so confounded, that he stammered out a con-
fession of his guilt. The merchant received his
money, and the culprit was fined very heavily for
his guilt, while all Germany resounded in praise
of the sagacity of the emperor.
1125. — Mallet was so fond of being thought
a sceptic, that he indulged this weakness on all
occasions. His wife, it is said, was a complete
convert to his doctrines, and even the servants
stared at their master's bold arguments, without
being poisoned by their influence. One fellow,
however, who united a bad heart to an unsettled
head, was determined to practise what Mallet
was so solicitous to propagate, and robbed his
master's house. Being pursued, and brought be-
fore a justice, Mallet attended, and taxed him
severely with ingratitude and dishonesty.
" Sir," said the fellow, " I have often heard you
talk of the impossibility of a future state ; that,
after death, there was neither reward for virtue,
nor punishment for vice, and this tempted me to
commit the robbery." — " Well ! but, you rascal,"
replied Mallet, " had you no fear of the gal-
lows?" — "Master," said the culprit, looking
sternly at him, " What is it to you, if I had a
mind to venture that? You had removed my
greatest terror; why should I fear the less?"
JOE MILLER 147
1126. — Garrick one day dining with a large
company, soon after dinner left the room, and it
was supposed had left the house ; but one of the
party, on going into the area to seek him, found
Mr. Garrick fully occupied in amusing a Negro
boy, who was a servant in the family, by mimick-
ing the manner and noise of a turkey-cock,
which diverted the boy to such a degree, that he
was convulsed with laughter, and only able now
and then to utter, " Oh, Massa Garrick ! you will
kill me, Massa Garrick."
1127. — An Author was reading some bad
verses in his poem to a friend in a very cold
apartment. The critic cried out, in a shaking
fit, " My dear friend, either put fire into your
verses, or your verses into the fire, or I shall not
be able to stand here any longer."
1128. — The Celebrated Rabelais, when he
was at a great distance from Paris, and without
money to bear his expenses thither, procured
some brickdust, and having disposed of it into
several papers, wrote upon one, " poison for
monsieur," upon a second, " poison for the dau-
phin," and on a third, " poison for the king."
Having made this provision for the royal family
of France, he laid his papers in such a manner
that they might be seen by the landlord, who was
an inquisitive man, and a loyal subject. The
plot succeeded as he could wish : the host secured
his guest, and gave immediate information to the
secretary of state of what he had discovered.
The secretary presently sent down a special mes-
148 JOE MILLER
senger, who brought up the pretended traitor to
court, and provided him, at the king's expense,
with proper accommodation on the road. As soon
as he appeared, he was known; and his powder,
upon examination, being found perfectly inno-
cent, the jest was only laughed at; but for which
an inferior wit would probably have been sent to
the galleys.
1129. — Peter Heine, a Dutchman, from a
cabin-boy, rose to the rank of an admiral. He
was killed in an action at the moment his fleet
triumphed over that of Spain. The states-gen-
eral sent a deputation to his mother, at Delft,
to condole with her on the loss of her son. This
simple old woman, who still remained in her
original obscurity, answered the deputies in these
words : " I always foretold that Peter would
perish like a miserable wretch that he was ; he
loved nothing but rambling about from one coun-
try to another, and now he has received the re-
ward of his folly."
1130. — Agesieaus being asked why Sparta
had no walls, shewed its armed citizens, saying,
" These are the walls of Sparta."
1131. — Malherbe, the famous reformer of
French poetry, and of the French language,
dined one day at the table of a bishop, who was
to preach a sermon the same evening, but- who
was more hospitable than eloquent. The dinner
was good, the wines delicious ; and the poet hav-
ing freely partaken of both, began to nod, for
JOE MILLER 149
want of enlivening conversation. When the
hour came for the bishop's going to church, he
shook Malherbe by the arm, and said, " It is time
to start, Malherbe. You know I am to preach
this evening." — " Ah, my lord," said the poet,
" be so good as to excuse me, for I can sleep very
well where I am."
1132. — When Sir Walter Raleigh re-
turned from his discovery of Virginia, he
brought with him a quantity of tobacco, which
he used to smoke privately in his study. But
the first time of his doing it there, his man-ser-
vant bringing his usual tankard of ale and nut-
meg, the poor fellow, seeing the smoke pouring
forth in clouds from his mouth, threw all the
contents of the tankard in his face, and then
ran down stairs, exclaiming, " That his master
was on fire, and, before they could get to him,
would be burnt to ashes."
1133. — A Frenchman, who had immediate
occasion to stop under a gateway, saw a sow and
a litter of pigs pass him. He stood some time
admiring the diversity of colours, till he found
an opportunity of popping one under his coat
and running off with it. This he attempted,
but was pursued by the hostler, who overtook
and seized him with the pig in his possession.
He was taken to Bow-street, and fully com-
mitted. When the trial came on the circum-
stances of the theft being clearly proved, he was
found guilty, and asked what he had to say why
sentence should not be passed? " Me lor, I vil
150 JOE MILLER
trouble you attendez two tree vord vat I sail say.
I French gentleman, I no understand vat you
call de tief dis country. Mais I vil tell you tout
d'affair, and you vill find dat I am innocent.
Me lor, I never tief a pig my lifetime." — " Why
it was found upon you." — " Oh, certainly, but
I was take him with his own consent." — "How
do you mean? " — " Vy, ven I was see de mamma
pig, and his childrens, I was very much in love
vid them ; and dis little pig, I look his face, I
say, you pretty little fellow, will you come live
Add me for one month ? He says a-week ! a-week !
So I have taken him for a-week, dat's all."
1134. — When Dr. Franklin applied to the
king of Prussia to lend his assistance to Amer-
ica, " Pray, doctor," said the veteran, " what is
the object you mean to attain?" — "Liberty,
Sire," replied the philosopher of Philadelphia:
" liberty ! that freedom which is the birth-right
of man." The king, after a short pause, made
this memorable and kingly answer : " I was born
a prince, I am become a king, and I will not use
the power which I possess to the ruin of my own
trade."
1135. — Two Gentlemen at Bath having a
difference, one went to the other's door early in
the morning, and wrote " Scoundrel " upon it.
The other called upon his neighbour, and was
answered by a servant, that his master was not
at home, but if he had anything to say he might
leave it with him. " No, no," says he, " I was
JOE MILLER 151
only going to return your master's visit, as he
left his name at my door in the morning."
1136. — Miners arc known to be a supersti-
tious race. In some extensive mines in Wales,
the men frequently saw the Devil, and when once
he had been seen, the men would work no more
that day. This became serious, for the old gen-
tleman repeated his visits so frequently, that it
became an injury to the proprietor. He at last
called his men together, and told them it was
very certain that the devil never appeared to
anybody who had not deserved to be so terrified,
and that as he was determined to keep no rogues
about him, he was resolved to discharge the first
man that saw the devil again. The remedy was
as efficient as if he had turned a stream of holy
water into the mine.
1137. — At a Late Review of a volunteer
corps, not twenty miles from Norwich, the major,
who gave the word, not finding the men so expert
as he had wished, was perpetually calling, " As
you were — as you were," and putting them
twice through the ordered manoeuvre ; the in-
specting officer at length, losing all patience, ex-
claimed, " As you were! No, I'll be d d if
}^ou are as you were ; for you are not half so good
as you were the last time I saw you."
1138. — At a Fashionable Whist Party, a
lady having won a rubber of 20 guineas, the
gentleman who was her opponent pulled out his
pocket-book, and tendered £21 in bank-notes.
152 JOE MILLER
The fair gamester observed, with a disdainful
toss of her head, " In the great houses which
I frequent, Sir, we always use gold." — " That
may be, Madam," replied the gentleman, " but
in the little houses which I frequent, we always
use paper."
1139. — A Speculative Gentleman, wishing
to teach his horse to do without food, starved
him to death. " I had a great loss," said he ;
" for, just as he learned to live without eating,
he died."
1140. — A Citizen of London having made
his fortune, thought the best way to employ
his money, was in building a row of houses in
Whitechapel, to let out in tenements ; which,
after he had built, he unadvisedly let one of them
to a coppersmith for a term of lease, when un-
luckily the driving of the nails and the hammers
became such a nuisance, that the other neigh-
bouring tenants gave warning upon it to the
landlord, who went immediately to the copper-
smith and offered him any terms to give up the
lease, which he could not prevail upon him to do ;
when he luckily happened to mention it before
an officer of the guards, who said, if that he
would give him five guineas, and suffer him to be
in the next house to him, that he would effec-
tually force him out ; which the other agreed to.
Accordingly, he got two drummers, and ordered
them to keep a continual drumming; which so
alarmed and hindered the coppersmith, that he
could not work at his trade, as these people, when
JOE MILLER 153
they work, must hear their own blows, or else
they are liable to strike the nail too much on the
head, and when it is almost even with the sur-
face for it to come loose again ; so this expedient
not only served the landlord, but also gave the
officer the means of enlisting his men, as the} T
could not work, and were idle.
1141. — A Young Man told his friend that
he dreamed that he had struck his foot against
a sharp nail. " Why then, do you sleep without
your shoes? " was the reply.
1142. — A Countryman, very much marked
with the small-pox, applied to a justice of the
peace for redress in an affair where one of his
neighbours had ill-treated him ; but not explain-
ing the business so clearly as the justice ex-
pected, " Fellow," said the justice, in a rage,
" I don't know whether you were inoculated for
the small-pox or not ; but I am sure you have
been for stupidity." — " Why, and please your
honour," replied the man, " perhaps I might, as
you say, be inoculated for stupidity, but there
was no occasion to perform that upon your wor-
ship, for you seem to have had it in the natural
way."
1143. — A Robustious Countryman, meet-
ing a physician, ran to hide behind a wall ; being
asked the cause, he replied, " It is so long since
I have been sick, that I am ashamed to look a
physician in the face."
1144. — A Citizen, seeing some sparrows in
154 JOE MILLER
a tree, went beneath and shook it, holding out
his hat to catch them as they fell.
1145. — Selden tells this story: — A person
of quality came to my chamber, in the Temple,
and told me that he had two devils in his head
(I wondered what he meant), and just at that
time one of them bid him kill me: with that, I
began to be afraid, and thought he was mad.
He said he knew I could cure him, and therefore
entreated me to give him something, for he was
resolved he would go to nobody else. I per-
ceived what an opinion he had of me, and that it
was only melancholy that troubled him, took it
in hand, and warranted him, if he would follow
my directions, to cure him in a short time. I
desired him to let me alone for about half an
hour, and then come again, which he was very
willing to do. In the meantime I got a card,
and lapped it up handsome in a piece of taffeta,
put strings to the taffeta, and when he came I
gave it him to hang about his neck, charging
him that he should not disorder himself either
with eating or drinking, but eat very little sup-
per, and say his prayers duly when he went to
bed, and I made no question but he would be
well in three or four days. Within that time,
I went to dinner at his house, and asked him how
he did. He said he was much better, but not
perfectly well; for, in truth, he had not dealt
clearly with me. He had four devils in his head,
and he perceived two of them were gone, with
that which I had given him, but the other two
JOE MILLER 155
troubled him still. " Well," said I, " I am glad
two of them are gone, and I make no doubt but
to get away the others." So I gave him another
thing to hang likewise about his neck. Three
days after that he came to see me at my chamber
and professed he was as well as ever he was in his
life, and thanked me for the great care I had
of him. I, fearing lest he might relapse into
the like distemper, told him that there was none
but myself, and one physician more in the whole
town, that could cure the devils in the head, and
that was Dr. Harvey, whom I had prepared, and
wished him, if ever he found himself ill in my
absence, to go to him, for he could cure his
disease as well as myself.— The gentleman lived
many years, and was never troubled after.
1146. — The Son of a fond father, when
going to war, promised to bring home the head n
of one of the enemy. His parent replied, " I
should be glad to see you come home without a
head, provided you come safe."
1147. — The Following Advertisement
was posted up at North Shields : — " Whereas
several idle and disorderly persons have lately
made a practice of riding on an ass, belonging
to Mr. , the head of the Ropary Stairs :
now, lest any accident should happen, he takes
this method of informing the public, that he is
determined to shoot his said ass, and cautions any
person who may be riding on it at the time, to
take care of himself, lest by some unfortunate
mistake he should shoot the wrong one.'*
156 JOE MILLER
1148. — A Man meeting his friend, said, " I
spoke to you last night in a dream." — " Pardon
me," replied the other, " I did not hear you."
1149. — A Fellow had to cross a river, and
entered the boat on horseback ; being asked the
cause, he replied, " I must ride, because I am in
a hurry."
1150. — An Eccentric Barber, some years
ago, opened a shop under the walls of the King's
Bench prison. The windows being broken when
he entered it, he mended them with paper, on
which appeared — " Shave for a penny," with
the usual invitation to customers; and over the
door was scrawled these lines:
" Here lives Jemmy Wright,
Shaves as well as any man in England,
Almost — not quite."
Foote (who loved any thing eccentric) saw these
inscriptions, and hoping to extract some wit
from the author, whom he justly concluded to
be an odd character, he pulled off his hat, and
thrusting his head through a paper pane into the
shop, called out, " Is Jemmy Wright at home? "
The barber immediately forced his own head
through another pane into the street, and re-
plied, " No, Sir, he has just popt out." Foote
laughed heartily, and gave the man a guinea.
1151. — " Pray, Mr. Abernethy, what is the
cure for gout? " asked an indolent and luxurious
citizen. — " Live upon sixpence a day, and earn
it ! " was the pithy answer.
JOE MILLER 157
1152. — The " Editio Princeps " of Virgil,
now in the possession of a noble earl, was some
years ago discovered in a monastery in Suabia.
The good old monks, to whom this and several
other valuable books belonged, could not be pre-
vailed on to part with this copy for money. It
happened, however, that they were remarkably
fond of old hock. This was found out by an
English connoisseur, who, for seven guineas'
worth of hock, obtained this rare copy of Virgil,
which he afterwards sold to a book collector for
501. To the present possessor it cost no less
than 400Z.
1153. — When Wilkes had written his poem,
the " Essay on Woman," he sent it in manuscript
to the Archbishop of Canterbury, with a letter,
expressing his anxiety not to publish anything
offensive to public morals, and requesting that if
his grace, in perusing it, met with any passages
that might be deemed objectionable, he would
erase them, or make such alterations as to his
grace might seem necessary. The good arch-
bishop, quite unconscious of the snare that was
laid for him, was actually preparing to give
Wilkes the benefit of his advice, when a friend,
who was made acquainted with the circumstance,
dissuaded his grace from the task, assuring him,
that if he did it, Wilkes would still publish the
" Essay on Woman," and announce that it was
" corrected and revised by his Grace the Lord
Archbishop of Canterbury."
1154. — When Leti, the historian, was one
158 JOE MILLER
day attending the levee of Charles the Second,
he said to him, " Leti, I hear that you are writing
the History of the Court of England." — " Sir,
I have been for some time preparing materials
for such a history." — " Take care that your
work give no offence," said the prince. — Leti
replied, " Sir, I will do what I can, but if a man
were as wise as Solomon, he would scarcely be
able to avoid giving offence." — " Why, then,"
rejoined the king, " be as wise as Solomon ; write
proverbs, not histories."
1155. — One Day, when King James the First
had been perusing a work, entitled, " A De-
scription of the Policy of the Church of Eng-
land," written by the historian Calderwood, he
was peevish and disconcerted. A prelate stand-
ing by, inquired of his majesty the cause of his
uneasiness? He replied, that he had been read-
ing such a work. To this the prelate replied,
" Don't trouble your majesty about that, we will
answer it." In a passion the king replied,
"What would you answer, man? There is
nothing here but scripture, reason, and the
fathers."
1156. — When Skeeton published his " De-
ism Revealed," the Bishop of London asked the
Bishop of Clogher if he knew the author? " Oh,
yes, he has been a curate in my diocese near these
twenty years." — " More shame for your lordship
to let a man of his merit continue so long a curate
in your diocese," was the reply.
JOE MILLER 159
1157. — It was an observation of Sir John,
father of the celebrated Sir Thomas More, " that
the choice of a wife was like putting one's hand
into a bag full of snakes, with only one eel in it ;
we may by a possibility light on the eel, but it
is a hundred to one we are stung by a snake."
From the circumstance of his having put his own
hand into the bag three times, it is to be inferred
that he was more fortunate than wife-hunters in
general.
1158. — Two Highlanders set out an ex-
pedition to steal the litter of a wild sow, which
lay in a narrow-mouthed cave. Seizing the op-
portunity of the tender parent's absence, one of
the men crept in, and the other kept watch at the
mouth. Presently down came the sow distracted,
as if informed of what was passing, by the in-
stinct of maternal concern, and rushed with men-
acing tusks to her door ; the guard, as she
slipped into the passage, had but just time to lay
hold of her tail, give it a firm twist round his
strong hand, and throwing himself down and
setting his feet against the sides of the pass, he
held her fast. He had enough to do, and no
breath to waste. The young pigs were squeak-
ing under the hands of his companion, and the
old one, to the fondest of pig's hearts, added the
strongest of pig's sinews, and the most wilful
of pig's purposes. The Highlander in the cave
was too much engaged with the screaming little
pigs to hear the tussle, but finding himself in
darkness, he called out to .his mate,
160 JOE MILLER
matter? I canna see." The fellow, who by this
time had found a pig's tail a most uneasy tenure,
and who had no wind for explanations, answered
thus, expressly and briefly denoting the precise
posture of the case, — " An the tail break, you'll
see." He presently, however, got his skene dim
in his left hand, with which by repeated stabs he
laid the body of the unfortunate sow dead at
his feet, saved his companion from imminent
peril, and secured the plunder, without once
slackening his hold of the tail.
1159. — A Gentleman had a cask of Ami-
nean wine, from which his servant stole a large
quantity. When the master perceived the de-
ficiency, he diligently inspected the top of the
cask, but could find no traces of an opening.
" Look if there be not a hole in the bottom," said
a bystander. — " Blockhead," he replied, " do
you not see that the deficiency is at the top, and
not at the bottom."
1160. — Voltaire, in the presence of an Eng-
lishman, was one day enlarging with great
warmth in the praise of the celebrated Haller,
extolling him as a great poet, a great natural-
ist, and a man of universal attainments. The
Englishman, who had been on a visit to Haller,
answered, that it was handsome in Monsieur de
Voltaire to speak so favourably of Monsieur
Haller, inasmuch as Monsieur Haller was by no
means so liberal to Monsieur de Voltaire.
" Alas ! " said Voltaire, with an air of philo-
JOE MILLER 161
sophic indulgence, " I dare to say we are both
very much mistaken ! "
1161. — One Day when Sir Isaac Heard was
with his majesty, King George III., it was an-
nounced that his majesty's horse was ready to
start for hunting. — " Sir Isaac," said the mon-
arch, " are you a judge of horses? " — " In my
younger days, please your majesty," was the re-
ply, " I was a great deal among them." — " What
do you think of this, then? " said the king, who
was by this time preparing to mount his favour-
ite; and without waiting for an answer, added,
" We call him Perfection.'''' — " A most appro-
priate name," replied the courtly herald, bowing
as his majesty reached the saddle, — " for he
bears the best of characters! "
1162. — A Certain Colonel, who had a
strange humour, when he had drank a glass or
two too much, of firing off and playing tricks
with his weapons, one night having drank too
freely, ordered his footman, who was an Irishman
newly hired, to bring his pistols. Teague
obeyed; the colonel loaded them both, and, hav-
ing locked the door, commanded his man to hold
one of the candles at arm's length, till he snuffed
it with the ball. Prayers and entreaties were in
vain, and comply he must, and did, though
trembling; the colonel performed the operation
at the first attempt, then laying down his
pistols, was going to unlock the door. Teague
catches up thpt whieh was loaded, " Arrah,
maister," says he, " but I will be after having my
162 JOE MILLER
shoot too." The colonel called him rogue and
rascal to no purpose. Teague was now vested
with power, and would be obeyed. Accordingly
his master extended the candle, but this being
the first time of Teague's performing, he not
only missed, but shot off a button from the
breast of the colonel's coat. So narrow an escape
had a good effect, and cured him of his humour
of turning marksman in his drink.
1163. — An Officer who was quartered in a
country town, being once asked to a ball, was ob-
served to sit sullen in a corner for some hours.
One of the ladies present, being desirous of rous-
ing him from his reverie, accosted him with,
" Pray, Sir, are you not fond of dancing? " —
" I am very fond of dancing, madam," was the
reply. — " Then why not ask some of the ladies
that are disengaged to be your partner, and
strike up? " — " Why, madam, to be frank with
you, I do not see one handsome woman in the
room." — " Sir, yours, et cetera," said the lady,
and with a slight courtesy left him, and joined
her companions, who asked her what had been
her conversation with the captain. " It was too
good to be repeated in prose," said she ; " lend
me a pencil, and I will try to give } t ou the out-
line in rhyme."
"So, Sir, you rashly vow and swear,
You'll dance with none that are not fair,
Suppose we women should dispense
Our hands to none but men of sense ; "
" Suppose! well, madam, prny what then?"
" Why, Sir, you'd never dance again."
JOE MILLER 163
1164. — George II. seemed to have none of
that love of individual and distinct property
which has marked the character of many sov-
ereigns. His majesty came one day to Richmond
gardens, and, finding them locked while some
decently dressed persons were standing on the
outside, called for the head gardener, and told
him, in a great passion, to open the door im-
mediately. — " My subjects," said his majesty,
" walk where they please." — On another occa-
sion, the same gardener was complaining that
some of the company, in their walks round the
garden, had pulled up flowers, roots, and shrubs ;
the king, shaking his cane, replied, " Plant more
then, you blockhead."
1165. — The Duke of Mantua once observed
to the celebrated Perron, that the court - jester
was a fellow without either wit or humour.
" Your grace must pardon me," said Perron ;
" I think he has a great deal of wit to live by
a trade that he does not understand."
1166. — The Facetious Mr. Bearcroft,
told his friend Mr. Vansittart, " Your name is
such a long one, I shall drop the sittart, and call
you Van, for fcLa future." — " With all my
heart," said he : " by the same rule, I shall drop
croft, and call you Bear! "
1167. — In a Life of St. Francis Xavier,
written by an Italian monk, it is said, " that by
one sermon he converted 10,000 persons in a
desert island! "
164 JOE MILLER
1168. — Among a Company of Cheerful
Irishmen, in the neighbourhood of St. Giles's,
it was proposed by the host to make a gift of a
couple of fowls to him that off-hand should
write six lines in poetry of his own composing.
Several of the merry crew attempted unsuccess-
fully to gain the prize. At length the wittiest
among them thus ended the contest:
Good friends, as I'm to make a po'm,
Excuse me if I just step home;
Two lines already ! — be not cru'l,
Consider honies, I'm a fool.
There's four lines — now I'll gain the fowls,
With which I soon shall fill my bow'ls.
1169. — Dr. Johnson was so accustomed to
say always the exact truth, that he never con-
descended to give an equivocal answer to any
question ; of which the following is an instance,
as related by Mr. Northcote. — A lady of his ac-
quaintance once asked him how it happened that
he was never invited to dine at the tables of the
great? "He replied, " Because, madam, great
lords and ladies do not like to have their mouths
stopped ! "
1170. — The Royal Society, on the day of
its creation, was the whetstone of the wit of their
patron, Charles II. With a peculiar gravity of
countenance, he proposed to the assembly the
following question for their solution : — " Sup-
pose two pails of water were fixed in two differ-
ent scales equally poised, and which weighed
equally alike, and that two live bream or small
JOE MILLER 165
fish, were put into either of these pails, he wanted
to know the reason why that pail, with such addi-
tion, should not weigh more than the other pail
which stood against it." — Every one was ready
to set fit quiet the royal curiosity ; but it ap-
peared that every one was giving a different
opinion. One, at length, offered so ridiculous a
solution, that another of the members could not
refrain from a loud laugh ; when the King, turn-
ing to him, insisted that he should give his senti-
ments as well as the rest. This he did without
hesitation, and told his majesty, in plain terms,
that he denied the fact. On which the King, in
high mirth, exclaimed, " Odds fish, brother, you
are in the right ! "
1171. — In a Certain Company, the conver-
sation having fallen on the subject of craniology,
and the organ of drunkenness being alluded to
among others, a lady suggested that this must be
the barrel-organ.
1172. — William Vandervelde the old, the
famous painter of sea-pieces, w r as so fond of his
art, that in order justly to observe the move-
ments and various positions of his ships engag-
ing in a sea-fight, that he might design them
from nature, and unite truth w T ith grandeur and
elegance in his compositions, he did not hesitate
to attend those engagements in a small light ves-
sel, and sail as near to his enemies as his friends,
attentive only to his drawing, and without the
least apparent anxiety for the danger to which
he w r as every moment exposed. Of that bold and
166 JOE MILLER
dauntless disposition he gave two very convinc-
ing proofs before his arrival in England ; the one
was in that severe battle between the Duke of
York and Admiral Opdam, in which the Dutch
Admiral and 500 men were blown up — the other
w T as in that memorable engagement, which con-
tinued three days, between Admiral Monck and
Admiral de Ruyter. During the continuance of
these different engagements, Vandervelde plied
between the fleets, so as to represent minutely
every movement of the ships, and the most ma-
terial circumstances of the action, with incred-
ible exactness and truth.
1173. — Durixg the Time that martial law
was in force in Ireland, and the people were pro-
hibited from having fire-arms in their posses-
sion, some mischevious varlets gave information
that a Mr. Scanlon, of Dublin, had three mor-
tars in his house. A magistrate, with a party of
dragoons in his train, surrounded the house, and
demanded, in the king's name, that the mortars
should be delivered to him. ^£p. Scanlon, a
respectable apothecary, immediately produced
them, adding, that as they were useless without
the pestles, these also were at his majesty's ser-
vice.
1174. — The Following Story was related
by the Nabob of Arcot to an English lady : — A
certain man fell asleep under a tree, whilst his
friend was sitting beside him. A snake came
down from tto hrandhes, and the friond en-
deavoured to kill it : but the snake said, " I will
JOE MILLER 167
not depart till I have tasted of that man's blood,
for this purpose was I sent thither." — " Since it
is so," replied the friend ; " I cannot possibly
avert the decrees of God ; " then taking a knife,
he opened a vein in the man's neck, who awoke,
saw the knife, and the blood gushing forth, but
closed his eyes again and remained silent. The
snake drank the blood and went away. The
friend immediately applied to a surgeon, and
adopted means to stop the bleeding. Some
months after, a person asked this man why he
had been so calm, and shut his eyes when he saw
the bloody knife. " To this hour," he replied,
" I do not know the reason of that man's action ;
but I suppose it was for my good ; therefore I
would not mistrust him, nor make any inquiry
into the circumstance. I believe him my friend
— Friendship can never doubt — and to that man
in whom my heart confides, I will intrust my
body." — " This, and no less than this," said the
young Nabob, " we call Friendship."
1175. — Not Many Years Ago, a man was
hanged at a country town in Ireland for highway
robbery ; but his friends having taken the body
to a house, fancied that they discovered some
signs of life, and immediately applied to a sur-
geon, who, with considerable difficulty, succeeded
in restoring the man to his senses. Finding him-
self much annoyed by the multitude of visitors,
and the questions which they asked respecting
his short excursion to the other world, the man
declared that he would not gratify their curios-
168 JOE MILLER
ity until each person should have paid the sum
of two pence. With this demand they readily
complied, and he very seriously informed them,
that at the moment when he was recalled to this
world by the surgeon's assistance, he had just
arrived at the gates of heaven, where he saw St.
Peter sitting with the kays in his hand. This
anecdote was related by the surgeon as a matter
of fact, to a gentleman now residing in London.
1176. — Francis I., that gallant prince who
revived literature, had the merit of restoring the
beard also, which had been proscribed by several
of his predecessors, but it was so arranged and
shaped as to form a new adornment to the face.
This resoration gave rise to the beardite and anti-
beardite factions. The clergy assumed the
beard, but it was only the court clergy. There
was a signal victory gained by the anti-beard-
ites, which deserves particular notice. William
Duprat coming bearded to take possession of his
bishopric of Clermont, the dean of the canons,
attended by all the chapter, stopped him at
the church gates, and respectfully presenting to
him a large pair of scissars on a silver tray, pro-
tested that he should neither receive homage, nor
be received himself, until he had repudiated his
beard. William yielded with a good grace, and
entered amidst the acclamations of the canons,
carrying the spoils of their bishop's chin in
triumph. It was under Louis XIII. that the
beard disappeared from the French court, never
to return.
JOE MILLER 169
1177. — Lord Polk km kt (a lord of session)
invited once a member of the Scottish bar, to
tak a family dinner with himsel, his wife, and
bairns. When dinner was served up, there ap-
peared a joint of roast veal at the head of the
table ; stewed veal at the bottom ; vcal-soup in
the middle; \cal 9 s-head on one side of the soup,
and \cn\-cutlets on the other ; calf s-foot jelly be-
tween the veal-soup and the roast veal, and veal's
brains between the stewed veal and veal-soup.
" A r oo," quoth his lordship, in his own blunt
way, " Mr. H. you may very likely think this an
odd sort of dinner ; but ye'll no wonder when ye
ken the cause of it. We keep nae company, Mr.
H. ; and Miss B. here, my daughter, caters for
our table. The way we do is just this : — we kill
a beast, as it were to-day, and we begin to cook
it at one side of the head, travel down that side,
turn the tail, and just gang back again by the
other side to where we began."
1178. — A GerMxVn of the name of Klotch,
a very worthy man, was cook and maitre d'hotel
to the Empress Catherine. Though old, he was
a court beau, and very spruce about the head ;
and, being a favourite with her imperial majesty,
used to hand some particular dishes to her on
great occasions. One of the torments in high
northern latitudes, where the summer is so short
and hot, is the innumerable hosts of flies that
tease you. Some wags, aware of this, got the
old gentleman's best bag-wig, and powdered it
with the finest pulverized double refined white
170 JOE MILLER
sugar ; so that, when he waited at table, he was
beset, like Pharaoh, with the worst of his plagues.
He beat with his hands, blew, puffed, reddened in
the face, and at last, no longer able to bear silently
the torment he endured, burst out suddenly with
the exclamation of " Donder and blitz vas is das
for a fly summer! " Her majesty, aware of the
trick, soothed him; and, affecting to wonder the
flies should exclusively level all their stings at
him, advised him to pull off his wig, which he re-
luctantly was obliged to do, and actually finished
his attendance in a full dress suit of embroid-
ered clothes, with his naked shaved head, to
the no small amusement of the company pres-
ent.
1179. — A Certain King of Spain, from
whom by the fate of battle a large extent of
territory had been taken away, nevertheless con-
tinued to receive from his courtiers the title of
Great. " His greatness," said a Spaniard, " is
like that of a ditch, which increases in propor-
tion to the ground it loses."
1180. — An Astrologer of the 15th Cen-
tury having foretold the death of a beautiful
woman, whom Louis XI. loved, and who hap-
pened to die according to his prediction, the king
was so enraged that he ordered him into his
presence. " You who foresee all," said Louis,
" tell me when you yourself shall die." The
man, who without being a conjuror perceived the
ancrer of the king, replied, " I shall die three
days before your majesty." Fear and supersti-
JOE MILLER 171
tion got the better of resentment : and to preserve
his own life, Louis was very careful of that of the
astrologer.
1181. — A Lady, who was pressed for time in
the progress of some business, which was very im-
portant to her, and who was going to her at-
torney to consult with him about the proceed-
ings which were going on, to avoid a circuitous
route went in at one door of a church, during the
time of divine service, and passed out at the
other. In reply to some reproof which she re-
ceived for having done so, she said, " You must
acknowledge that I am a thorough church-
woman."
1182. — Charles the Sixth of France gave
a masquerade, in which himself and five cour-
tiers played the parts of satyrs ; to resemble
which, they were clothed in close linen habits, be-
smeared with rosin, and then stuck with down all
over. One of the company, in a frolic touched
one of these satyrs with a lighted torch as they
were dancing in a ring. The consequence was,
that all the six masks, or satyrs, were instantly
enveloped in flames ; four of the six were burnt
to death on the spot ; and the king never recov-
ered the fright and disorder occasioned by the
accident.
1183. — Henry the Fourth of France was
much enamoured of a lady who used to attend
the court. The Prince one day, in a gallant hu-
mour, said to her, " Pray, Madam, which is the
172 JOE MILLER
way to your bed-room?" — "Through the
church," replied she.
1184. — A Very Talkative Lady received a
visit from a gentleman, who was introduced to
her as a man of great taste and learning. She,
in order to court his admiration, displayed her
knowledge and her wit with an unceasing rapid-
ity. Being asked her opinion of her new ac-
quaintance, she said she was never more charmed
with the company of any man. A general laugh
ensued ; the gentleman was dumb, and had
kept up the conversation only with nods and
smiles.
1185. — A Young Barrister, being re-
proached by his opponent for his extreme youth,
said, " It is true that I am young, but my learned
friend will find in the course of this trial that I
have read old books."
1186- — Moro, Duke of Milan, having dis-
played before the foreign ambassadors his mag-
nificence and his riches, which excelled those of
every other prince, said to them, " Has a man,
possessed of so much wealth and prosperity, any-
thing to desire in this world? " — " One thing
only," said one of them, — " a nail to fix the wheel
of Fortune."
1187. — Chamileart, Comptroller-general of
the finances in the reign of Louis XIV., had been
a celebrated pleader. He once lost a cause, in
which he was concerned, through his excessive
fondness for billiards. His client called on him
JOE MILLER 173
the day after in extreme affliction, and told him
that if he had made up a document which had
been put into his hands, but which he had neg-
lected to examine, a verdict must have been
given in his favour. Chamillart read it, and
found it of decisive importance to his cause.
" You sued the defendant," said he, " for
20,000 livres. You have failed by my inad-
vertence. It is my duty to do you justice. Call
on me in two days." — In the meantime Chamil-
lart procured the money, and paid it to his client,
on no other condition than that he would keep
the transaction secret.
1188. — A Young Engraver just entering
into life, and who afterwards rose to great em-
inence in his profession, applied to Alderman
Boydcll for employment. Having never exe-
cuted any considerable work he had only some
trifling specimens of his ability to shew. The
alderman, however, was satisfied from them that
the young artist possessed abilities worthy of en-
couragement, and offered him a picture, if he
thought himself equal to it. The young man
undertook it, and agreed on 25 guineas as the
remuneration. When the plate was quite fin-
ished, he waited on the alderman, finally to deliver
it with a proof. Mr. Boydell examined so lome,
and as it seemed so minutely, that the artist was
almost apprehensive that he was not quite pleased
with it, and resolved to ask him ; adding, " that
he should be happy to make any improvement or
correction that Mr. Boydell might suggest." —
174 JOE MILLER
" Oh no," replied the alderman, " I am extremely
pleased with it, and desire no alteration. It is
charming; and instead of 25 guineas, I shall
give you five and thirty : — very charming in-
deed — the more I look at it the more I like it ; I
shall give you 50 guineas." He went to his desk
and wrote a cheque on his banker, which he gave
to the artist, telling him to call on him in a few
days, as he had further employment for him.
The young man endeavoured to express his grat-
itude for this unexpected and munificent liber-
ality of his new patron ; but his speech utterly
failed him, when, casting his eye on the cheque
which he held in his hand, he found it to be for
One Hundred Guineas! This happy event was
the foundation both of his fortune and his fame.
1189. — Abbe Clerambault, who was de-
formed, was elected to succeed La Fontaine in
the French Academy. On that occasion it was
said that " La Fontaine was very properly suc-
ceeded by Esop."
1190. — One of the Countless Victims to
the Fonthill Epidemic, at the moment of exhibit-
ing that infallible incipient symptom which be-
trays itself in a visit to the princely mansion of
the Pembrokes, found his attention arrested at
the very entrance, by the noble equestrian statue
of Marcus Aurelius. After bestowing on this
superb effort of the sculptor's art its due degree
of silent admiration, he turned to a decent-look-
ing native who stood nigh, and inquired for
whom that figure was intended? " Thot ther,
JOE MILLER 175
Zur? " was the reply; " iss shuer I know't —
'tuz Marquis O'Riley's."
1191. — Mr. Schoonhoven, an old man,
eighty years of age, who not long since lived in
the neighbourhood of Lake George, related the
following remarkable instance of the cruelty and
generosity of the Indians, to Mr. H , a
friend of Dr. Silliman. During the last French
war in America, he, with six or seven other
Americans, was taken prisoner by a detachment
of Indians, while on an excursion through the
wilderness between Fort William Henry on Lake
George, and Sandy Hill on Hudson's River,
where there is now a flourishing village. They
conducted them to a spot which now forms an
open place in the middle of the village, and made
them sit down in a row on the trunk of a tree.
The Indians then began, with perfect indiffer-
ence, to split the skulls of their victims succes-
sively with their tomahawks ; while the survivors
were compelled to witness the dreadful fate of
their companions, and await their own with a
terror not to be conceived. Mr. Schoonhoven
was the last but one on the opposite end of the
tree where the massacre had begun. His turn
was already come, and the murderous axe was
brandished over his head and ready to fall on
him, when the chief made a signal to put an end
to the murder. On this he approached Mr.
Schoonhoven, and said to him with composure:
" Do you not remember how (at a time which he
mentioned) while your young people were danc-
176 JOE MILLER
ing, some poor Indians came up, and wished to
join in the dance; but your young people said,
4 No ; Indians shall not dance with us : ' but you
(for this man, it seems, recognised his features
just at the critical moment) said, '* the Indians
shall dance.' I will now shew you that Indians
can remember a favour." This accidental recol-
lection saved the life of Schoonhoven and his sur-
viving companion.
1192. — Ben Jonson, owing a vintner some
money, refrained his house ; the vintner, meeting
him by chance, asked him for his money; and
also told him if he would come to his house and
answer him four questions, he would forgive him
the debt. Ben Jonson very gladly agreed, and
went at the time appointed, called for a bottle of
claret, and drank to the vintner, praising the
wine at a great rate. Says the vintner, " This is
not our business : Mr. Jonson, answer me my four
questions, or else you must pay me my money,
or go to jail " (and he had got two bailiffs wait-
ing at the door to arrest him). " Pray," says
Ben, " propose them." — " Then," says the vint-
ner, "tell me, 1st, What pleases God? 2dly,
What pleases the devil? 3dly, What pleases the
world? and 4thly, What best pleases me? " —
" Well,
"God is best pleased when man forsakes his . c 'n;
The devil's best pleas'd when men persist therein;
The world's best pleas'd when you do draw good wine,
And you'll be pleas'd when I do pay for mine."
The vintner was satisfied, gave Ben a receipt
JOE MILLER 177
in full, and a bottle of claret into the bar-
gain.
1193. — A Man, who was on the point of
being married, obtained from his confessor his
certificate of confession. Having read it, he ob-
served that the priest had omitted the usual pen-
ance. " Did you not tell me," said the con-
fessor, " that you were going to be married? "
1194. — Dean Jackson, passing one morning
through Christ-church quadrangle, met some
undergraduates, who walked along without cap-
ping. The Dean called one of them, and asked,
"Do you know who I am? "— " No, Sir."—
"How long have you been in College?" —
" Eight days, Sir."—" Oh, very well," said the
Dean, walking away, " puppies don't open their
eyes till the ninth day."
1195. — A Little Lawyer appearing as evi-
dence in one of the courts, was asked by a gigan-
tic counsellor, what profession he was of ; and
having replied that he was an attorney. " You
a lawyer ! " said Brief, " why I could put you in
my pocket." — " Very likely you may (rejoined
the other), and if you do, you will have more law
in your pocket than ever you had in your head."
1196. — The High-Bailiff of Birmingham,
attended by some officers of the town, goes round
on a market-day to examine the weight of the
butter, and they seize all winch is found short
of sixteen ounces. A countryman, who generally
stood in a particular place, having on a former
178 JOE MILLER
market-day lost two pounds of butter, was seen,
the next time they came round, to laugh heart-
ily, while the officers were taking a considerable
quantity from a woman who stood near him. One
of the officers, not pleased with the fellow's want
of decorum, particularly in the presence of men
vested with such awful authority, said, " What
do you mean by laughing, fellow? I took two
two pounds from you last week." — " I'll lay you
a guinea of it," said the countryman. — " Done,"
replied the officer ; and immediately put a guinea
into the hands of a respectable tradesman, who
was standing at his own door. The countryman
instantly covered it ; and then, with a triumphant
grin, said, " Well done, thick head, if it had
been two pounds would you have taken it from
me? was it not for being short of weight that I
lost it ? " The umpire without hesitation decided
in his favour, to the great mortification of the
humble administrators of justice.
1197. — An Irishman, some years ago, at-
tending the University of Edinburgh, waited
upon one of the most celebrated teachers of the
German flute, desiring to know on what terms he
would give him a few lessons: the flute-player
informed him, that he generally charged two
guineas for the first month, and one guinea for
the second. " Then, by my soul," replied the
Hibernian, " I'll begin the second month ! "
1198. — Foote being at table next to a gen-
tleman who had helped himself to a very large
piece of bread ; he took it up and cut a piece off.
JOE MILLER 179
" Sir," said the gentleman, " that is my bread."
— " I beg a thousand pardons, Sir," said Foote,
" I protest I took it for the loaf."
1199. — The Colonel of the Perthshire
Cavalry, was lately complaining, that, from the
ignorance and inattention of his officers, he was
obliged to do the whole duty of the regiment.
" I am," said he, " my own captain, my own lieu-
tenant, my own cornet," — " and trumpeter also,
I presume," said a certain witty duchess.
1200. — The Late Celebrated Dr.
Brown paid his addresses to a lady for many
years, but unsuccessfully ; during which time he
had always accustomed himself to propose her
health, whenever he was called upon for a lady.
But being observed one evening to omit it, a gen-
tleman reminded him, that he had forgotten to
toast his favourite lady. " Why, indeed," said
the doctor, " I find it all in vain ; I have toasted
her so many years and cannot make her Brown,
that I am determined to toast her no longer."
1201. — The Late Dr. Fowler, bishop of
Gloucester, and Justice Powell, had frequent al-
tercations on the subject of ghosts. The Bishop
was a zealous defender of the reality of them ;
the justice was somewhat sceptical. The bishop
one day met his friend, and the justice told him
that since their last conference on the subject,
he had ocular demonstration, which had con-
vinced him of the existence of ghosts. " I re-
joice at your conversion," replied the bishop;
180 JOE MILLER
" give me the circumstance which produced it,
with ail the particulars. Ocular demonstration,
jou say? " — " Yes, my lord; as I lay last night
in my bed, about the twelfth hour I was awak-
ened by an uncommon noise, and heard some-
thing coming up stairs ! " — " Go on, Sir." —
" Fearfully alarmed at the noise, I drew my cur-
tain ." — " Proceed." — " And saw a faint
glimmering light enter my chamber." — " Of a
blue colour, was it not? " interrogated the doc-
tor. " Of a pale blue ! and this pale blue light
was followed by a tall, meagre, stern figure, who
appeared as an old man of seventy years of age,
arrayed in a long light-coloured rug gown,
bound with a leathern girdle : his beard thick and
grisly ; his hair scant and straight ; his face of a
dark sable hue ; upon his head a large fur cap ;
and in his hand a long staff. Terror seized my
whole frame. I trembled till the bed verily
shook, and cold drops hung upon every limb.
The figure advanced with a slow and solemn
step." — "Did you not speak to it? there was
money hid, or murder committed, without
doubt," said the bishop. " My lord, I did speak
to it; I adjured it by all that was holy to tell
me whence, and for what purpose he thus ap-
peared." — " And in Heaven's name what was the
reply?" — "Before he deigned to speak, he
lifted up his staff three several times, my lord,
and smote the floor, even so loudly that verily the
strokes caused the room to reverberate the thun-
dering sound. He then waved the pale blue light
JOE MILLER 181
which he bore in what is called a lantern, he
waved it even to my eyes ; and he told me, my
lord, he told me that he was, yes, my lord, that
he was not more nor less than — the watchman!
who had come to give me notice that my
street door was open, and that unless I rose
and shut it, I might be robbed before morning."
The justice had no sooner concluded, than the
bishop disappeared.
1202. — At Worcester Assizes, a cause was
tried about the soundness of a horse, in which a
clergyman, not educated in the school of Tat-
tersall, appeared as a witness. He was confused
in giving his evidence, and a furious blustering
counsellor, who examined him, was at last tempted
to exclaim, " Pray, Sir, do you know the differ-
ence between a horse and a cow? " — " I acknowl-
edge my ignorance," replied the clergyman ; " I
hardly know the difference between a horse and
a cow, or a bully and a bull, only that a bull, I
am told, has horns, and a bully," bowing respect-
fully to the counsellor, " luckily for me, has
none."
1203. — As Two Irish Soediers were passing
through Chippenham, one of them observing the
Borough Arms (which have somewhat the ap-
pearance of a hatchment) over the Town-hall
door, accosted his comrade with — " Arrah Pat,
look up, what is that sign ? " — " Botheration,"
cries Pat, " 'tis no sign at all at all, 'tis only a
sign that somebody's dead that lives there."
182 JOE MILLER
1204. — Some Years Ago, a German Prince
making the tour of Europe, stopped at Venice
for a short period. It was at the close of sum-
mer, the Adriatic was calm, the nights were
lovely, the Venetian women full of those delicious
spirits, that in their climate rise and fall with the
coming and departure of this finest season of the
year. Every day was given by this illustrious
stranger, to researches among the records and
antiquities of this singular city ; and every night
to parties on the Brenta or the sea. As the morn-
ing drew nigh, it was the custom to return from
the water, to sup at some of the houses of the
nobility. In the commencement of his inter-
course, all national distinctions were carefully
suppressed ; but as his intimacy increased, he
could not help observing the lurking vanity of
the Italians. One of its most frequent exhibi-
tions, was in the little dramas that wound up
their stately festivities. The wit was constantly
sharpened by some contrast between the Italian
and the German, some slight aspersion on Teu-
tonic rudeness, or some remark on the history of
a people untouched by the elegance of southern
manners. As the sarcasm was conveyed with
Italian grace, and the offence softened by its hu-
mour, it was obvious that the only retaliation
must be a good-natured and humourous one.
When the Prince was on the point of taking
leave, he invited his entertainers to a farewell
supper. He drew the conversation to the infinite
superiority of the Italians, and above all of the
JOE MILLER 183
Venetians, acknowledged the darkness in which
Germany had been destined to remain so long,
and looked forward with infinite sorrow to the
comparative opinion of posterity, upon a country
to which so little of its gratitude must be due.
" But, my lords," said he, rising, " we arc an
emulous people, and an example like yours must
not be lost even upon a German. I have been
charmed with your dramas, and have contrived
a little arrangement to give you one of our coun-
try ; if you will condescend to follow me to the
great hall." The company rose and followed
him through the splendid suite of a Venetian
villa : to the hall which was fitted up as a
German barn. The aspect of the theatre pro-
duced at first universal surprise, and next a uni-
versal smile. It had no resemblance to the gilded
and sculptured saloons of their own sumptuous
little theatres. However, it was only so much
the more Teutonic. The curtain drew up — the
surprise rose into loud laughter, even amongst
the Venetians, who had been seldom betrayed into
anything beyond a smile for generations to-
gether. The stage was a temporary erection,
rude and uneven. The scenes represented a
wretched irregular street, scarcely lighted by a
single lamp, and looking the fit haunt for rob-
bery and assassination. On a narrower view,
some of the noble spectators began to think it
had a resemblance to an Italian street, and some
actually discovered in it one of the leading streets
of their own city. But the play was on a Ger-
184 JOE MILLER
man story, and they were under a German roof.
The street, notwithstanding its similitude, was of
course German. The street was for a time un-
peopled; but at length a traveller, a German,
with pistols in his belt, and apparently ex-
hausted with fatigue, came heavily pacing along.
He knocked at several of the doors, but could
obtain no admission. He then wrapped himself
up in his cloak, sat down upon the fragment of
a monument, and thus soliloquized : — "Well, here
I have come, and this is my reception. All pal-
aces, no inns ; all nobles, and not a man to tell me
where I can lie down in comfort or in safety.
Well, it can't be helped. A German does not
much care, campaigning has hardened effemin-
acy amongst us. Loneliness is not so well unless
a man can labour or read. Read, that's true,
come out Zimmerman." He drew a volume from
his pocket, moved nearer to a decaying lamp,
and soon seemed absorbed. He had been till
now the only actor. Another soon shared the
eyes of the spectators. A tall, light figure came
with a kind of visionary movement from behind
the monument, surveyed the traveller with keen
curiosity, listened with apparent astonishment at
his words, and in another moment had fixed it-
self gazing over his shoulder on the volume.
The eyes of this singular being wandered rapidly
over the page, and when it was turned, they were
lifted up to Heaven, with the strongest expres-
sions of astonishment. The German was weary,
his head soon dropped over his book, and he
JOE MILLER 185
closed it. " What," said he, rising and stretch-
ing himself, " is there no one stirring yet in this
comfortless place — is it not near day ? " He
took out his repeater, and touched the pendant;
it struck four. His mysterious attendant had
watched him narrowly, the repeater was eyed in
its turn ; but when it struck, delight with mingled
with the wonder that had till then filled his pale,
intelligent countenance. " Four o'clock," said
the German ; " in my country half the world
would be going to their day's work by this time ;
in another hour it will be sun-rise. Well then,
you nation of sleepers, I'll do you a service, and
make you open your eyes." He drew out one
of his pistols and fired it. The attendant form
still hovering behind him, had looked curiously
on the pistol ; but on its going off, it started back
in terror, and uttered a loud cry, that made the
traveller start. " Who are you? " was his greet-
ing to this strange intruder. " I will not hurt
you," was the answer. " Who care's about
that? " was the retort, and he pulled out the
other pistol. " My friend," said the figure,
" even that weapon of thunder and lightning
cannot hurt me now ; but if you would know who
I am, let me entreat you to satisfy my curiosity
a moment. You seem a man of extraordinary
powers." — " Well then," said the German, in a
gentler tone, " if you come as a friend, I shall
be glad to give you all the information in my
power: it is the custom of our country to deny
nothing to those who will love or learn," The
186 JOE MILLER
former sighed deeply, and murmured, " And yet
you are a German; but you were just reading
a case of strange and yet most interesting fig-
ures: was it a manuscript?" — "No, it was a
printed book." — " Printing, what is printing?
I never heard but of writing." — " It is an art
by which one man can give to the world in one
day, as much as three hundred could give by
writing, and in a character of superior clearness
and beauty ; by which, books are universal, and
literature eternal." — " Admirable, glorious
art ! " said the inquirer, " who was its illustrious
inventor? " — " A German ! " — " But, another
question, I saw you look at a most curious instru-
ment, traced with figures, it sparkled with dia-
monds ; but its greatest wonder was its sound. It
gave the hour with miraculous exactness, and the
sounds were followed with tones superior to the
sweetest music of my day." — " That was a re-
peater ! " — " How ! when I had the luxuries of
the world at my command, I had nothing better
to tell the hour with, than a clepsydra, or a sun-
dial. But this must be invaluable, from its fa-
cility of being carried about. It must be an ad-
mirable guide even to higher knowledge. All
depends upon the exactness of time. It may
assist navigation, astronomy. What an inven-
tion ! whose was it? he must be more than hu-
man."—" He was a German ! "— " What, still a
barbarian ! I remember his nation : I once saw
a legion of them marching towards Rome — they
were a bold and brave blue-eyed troop — the
JOE MILLER 187
whole city poured out to sec them ; but we looked
on them as so many gallant savages. I have
only one more question to ask you. I saw you
raise your hand, with a small truncheon in it;
in a moment something rushed out, that seemed
a portion of the fire of the clouds. Were those
thunder and lightning that I saw? Did they
come at your command? Was that truncheon
a talisman, and are you a mighty magician?
Was that truncheon a sceptre, commanding the
elements? Are you a god?" The strange in-
quirer had drawn back gradually, as his feelings
rose. His curiosity was now turned into solemn
wonder, and he stood gazing upwards, in an atti-
tude expressive of mingled awe and astonishment.
The German felt the sensation of a superior
presence growing on himself, as he looked on the
fixed countenance of this mysterious being. It
was in that misty blending of light and darkness,
which the moon leaves as it sinks just before
morn. There was a single hue of pale grey in
the East that tinged the stranger's visage, with
a chill light; the moon resting broadly on the
horizon, was setting behind, and the figure
seemed as if standing in the orb ; its arms were
lifted towards heaven, and the light came
through between them, with the mild splendour
of a vision. But the German, habituated to the
vicissitudes of " perils by flood and field," shook
off his brief alarm, and proceeded calmly to ex-
plain the source of the miracle. He gave a
slight detail of the machinery of the pistol, and
188 Joe miller
alluded to the history of gunpowder. " It must
be a mighty instrument in the hands of man,
either for good or ill," said the form. " How it
must change the nature of war ! By whom was
this wondrous secret revealed to the treaders
upon earth? " — " A German." The form seemed
suddenly to enlarge — its feebleness of voice w r as
gone — its attitude was irresistibly noble. Be-
fore it had uttered a word, it looked as made to
persuade and command ; its outer robe had been
flung away; it now stood with an antique dress
of brilliant white, gathered in many folds, and
edged in a deep border of purple ; a slight
wreath, like laurel, of a dazzling green, was on
its brow ; it looked like the Genius of Eloquence.
" Stranger," said he, pointing to the Appenincs,
which were beginning to be marked with twi-
light, " eighteen hundred years have passed away
since I was the glory of all beyond those moun-
tains. I was then triumphant, and was honoured
as the great leading mind of the intellectual em-
pire of the world : but I knew nothing of these
things; I was a child to you. Has not Italy
been still the mistress of the mind? Shew me
her noble inventions. I must soon sink into the
earth — let me learn still to love my country."
The listener started back, exclaiming, " Who,
and what are y©u?" — "I am the spirit of an
ancient Roman. Shew me by the love of a
patriot, what Italy now sends out to enlighten
mankind." The German looked embarrassed ;
but, in a moment after, he heard the sound of a
JOE MILLER 189
pipe and tabor. He pointed in silence to the
narrow street from whence the interruption
came ; a ragged figure tottered out, with a bar-
rel-organ at his back, a frame of puppets in his
hand, a hurdy-gurdy round his neck, and a
string of dancing dogs in his train. The spirit
uttered, with a sigh, "Is this Italy?" The
German bowed his head. The showman began
his cry — " Rarce show, fine rarec show against
the wall ! Fine, Madam Catalini dance upon de
ground. Who come for de galantee show? "
The organ struck up, the dogs danced, the Ital-
ian capered round them. The spirit raised his
broad gaze to Heaven — " These the men of my
country ! these the poets, the orators, the patriots
of mankind ! What scorn and curse has fallen
upon them ! " As he gazed, tears suddenly suf-
fused his eyes ; a sunbeam struck across the spot
where he stood ; a purple mist rose around him,
and he was gone. — The Venetians, with one ac-
cord, started from their scats and rushed out of
the hall. The Prince and his suite had pre-
viously arranged everything for leaving the city,
and were beyond the Venetian territory before
sunrise. Another night in Venice, and they
would have been on their way to the other world.
1205. — Coijtmbus speaking with great hu-
mility of his discovery of America, some of the
company spoke in very deprecatinc 1 terms of the
expedition. " There is no more difficulty," re-
plied Columbus, " than in putting this egg on
its end." They tried the experiment, and all
190 JOE MILLER
failed. Columbus, breaking a little off the end,
set it upright. The Company sneered at the
contrivance. " Thus," observed Columbus, " a
thing appears very easy after it is done."
1206. — Three Graziers at a fair left their
money with their hostess, while they went to
transact their business. A short time after, one
of them returned, and under pretence that they
had occasion for the whole money, received it
from the hostess, and made his escape with it.
The other two sued the woman for delivering
that which she had received from the three, be-
fore the three came and demanded it. The cause
was tried, and a verdict found against the
woman ; when Mr. Noy, then making his first ap-
pearance at the bar, wished to be feed by her,
because he could not plead without it. He then
moved an arrest of judgment, that he was re-
tained by the defendant, and that the case was
this : the defendant had received the money of
the three together, and confesses she was not to
deliver it until the same three demanded it, and
therefore the money is ready — let the three men
come, and it shall be paid ; (which as one of them
had run away was impossible.) This motion
altered the whole course of proceeding and first
brought Mr. Noy into notice.
1207. — Sir Gilbert Heathcote was very
intimate with Sir Robert Walpole, and one even-
ing being at the minister's house, he was asked,
as usual, what he chose for supper, to which he
answered, " beefsteaks and oyster sauce." After
JOE MILLER 191
spending an agreeable hour or two in conversa-
tion over a bottle, Sir Gilbert rose to take his
leave, but seeing the hall lined with servants, he
turned round to Sir Robert, and asked him which
of them he was to pay for his beef-steak? Sir
Robert took the hint, and ordered the servants
to withdraw.
1208. — The Vicar of Bray, in Berkshire,
being a Papist under the reign of Henry VIII. ,
and a Protestant under Edward VI., a Papist
again under Queen Mary, and a Protestant in the
reign of Queen Elizabeth, was reproached as the
scandal of his gown, by turning so often from
one religion to another. " I cannot help that,"
said the vicar, " for if I changed my religion,
I am sure I kept true to my principle, which is —
To live and die Vicar of Bray"
1209. — Soon After Dr. Porteus, the late
Bishop of London, was advanced to the metro-
politan see, he went to court, where his majesty
addressed him in French, which the prelate not
understanding, the king then spoke to him in
Italian, with which language he was likewise un-
acquainted. " What, my lord ! " said the king,
" don't you understand the polite languages ? "
— " Oh, my liege," replied the bishop, " the ac-
quisition is not necessary, as the devil is as much
mortified by a reproof in plain English, as any
other dialect."
1210. — Lord Nelson, shortly after the loss
of his arm, went to St. James's, accompanied by
192 JOE MILLER
Captain Berry, when the King, with his usual
suavity, lamented the gallant admiral's wound,
observing, he was sorry to see he had lost his
right arm. " But not my right hand," replied
Nelson, presenting Captain Berry to his
majesty.
1211. — Lord Nelson, when about eight
years old, and on a visit with his grandmother
at Hilborough, was invited by another boy to
go bird's-nesting. As he did not return at the
usual dinner hour, the old lady became alarmed,
and dispatched messengers different ways to
search after him. The young ramblers at length
were discovered under a hedge, counting the
spoils of the day, and the young Horatio was
brought home. His relation began to scold him
for being absent without her leave, and concluded
with saying, " I wonder fear did not drive you
home." Horatio innocently replied, " Madam,
I never saw fear."
1212. — Mr. Henry Erskine, celebrated for
his elegant repartee, being in company with the
beautiful Duchess of Gordon, asked her, " Are
we never again to enjoy the pleasure of your
grace's society in Edinburgh ? " — " Oh ! " said
she, " Edinburgh is a vile dull place, I hate it."
— " Madam," replied the gallant barrister, " the
sun might as well say, this is a vile dark morning,
I won't rise to-day."
12LS. — Sergeant Maynard, an eminent
counsellor, waiting with the body of the law
JOE MILLER 193
upon the Prince of Orange (afterwards King
William) on his arrival in London, the prince
took notice of his great age, the sergeant then
being near ninety. " Sir," said he, " you have
outlived all the men of the law of your younger
years." — " I should have outlived even the law
itself," replied the sergeant, " if your highness
had not arrived."
1214. — Two Legal Characters of great
respectability, who were, more remarkable for
professional learning and judgment than knowl-
edge of the habits and manners of fashionable
life, were present at the festival given by the
Prince Regent, (in honour of his royal father's
birthday — King George III.) at Carlton House,
but their wigs, and the whole of their attire, gave
them so grotesque an aspect, that the Prince
asked Mr. Jekyll (his solicitor-general) if he
had noticed his brethren ? " Yes," said the wag ;
" but I cannot help thinking that they have mis-
taken the nature of your royal highness's enter-
tainment, and supposed that it was to be a mas-
querade." One of the legal sages, who heard
this observation, immediately, said, " I perceive
that your royal highness's court is in the old
style, with a jester."
1215. — During the Time of Cromwell, by
unjust dealing and monopoly, a great scarcity
having taken place in a plentiful year; Oliver,
knowing there was a great quantity of ^rain in
the country, took the following method to find
out and punish the rogues in grain. He, in
194 JOE MILLER
consequence, offered a premium of one thousand
pounds to him who should bring the greatest
quantity of grain to market on a certain day ;
upon which immense quantities were produced ;
but one man above all the rest produced far the*
greater quantity. Cromwell immediately or-
dered him to be paid the reward ; and producing
a rope, told him he would give him an halter into
the bargain, and ordered the monopolizer to be
hanged.
1216. — A Certain Member of Parliament
having heard many speeches in the house, to the
great applause of the speaker, grew ambitious
of rival glory by his oratory ; and accordingly
watched for a favourable opportunity to open.
At length an occasion presented itself: it was
on a motion being made in the house for enforc-
ing the execution of some statute ; on which pub-
lic-spirited motion, the orator in embryo rose
solemnly up, and, after giving three loud hems,
spoke as follows : — " Mr. Speaker — have we
laws, or have we not laws? If we have laws,
and they are not observed, to what end were
those laws made? " So saying, he sat himself
down, his chest heaving high with conscious con-
sequence ; when another rose up, and delivered
his thoughts in these words : — " Mr. Speaker —
did the honourable gentleman who spoke last,
speak to the purpose, or not speak to the pur-
pose? If he did not speak to the purpose, to
what purpose did he speak ? " Which apropos
reply set the whole house in such a fit of laugh-
JOE MILLER 195
ter, as discouraged the young orator from ever
attempting to speak again.
1217. — Two Irish Porters meeting in Dub-
lin, one addressed the other with " Och, Thady,
my jewel, is it you? are you just come from Eng-
land? Pray did you see anything of our old
friend, Pat Murphy ? "— « The devil a sight,"
replied he, " and what's worse I'm afraid I never
shall."— "How so?"— " Why, he met with a
very unfortunate accident lately." — " Amazing !
What was it? " — " O, indeed, nothing more than
this ; as he was standing on a plank, talking de-
voutly to a priest, at a place in London which
I think they call the Old Bailey, the plank sud-
denly gave way, and poor Murphy got his neck
broke.
1218. — King John being shewn a stately
monument erected over the grave of a nobleman
who had rebelled against him, and being advised
to deface it, answered, " No, no, I wish all my
enemies were as honourably buried."
1219. — One Day James the Second, in the
middle of his courtiers, made use of this asser-
tion : " 1 never knew a modest man make his way
at court." To this observation one of the gen-
tlemen present boldly replied : " And please your
majesty, whose fault is that?" The king was
struck, and remained silent.
1220. — Burke had once risen in the House
of Commons, with some papers in his hand, on
the subject of which he intended to make a mo-
19o JOE MILLEK
lion ; when a rough-hewn member readily started
up, and said — " Mr. Speaker, I hope the honour-
able gentleman does not mean to read that large
bundle of papers, and to bore us with a long
speech into the bargain." Mr. Burke was so
swollen, or rather so nearly suffocated w T ith rage
as to be incapable of utterance, and absolutely
ran out of the House. George Selwyn re-
marked it was the only time he had ever seen the
fable realized — " A Lion put to flight by the
braying of an Ass."
1221. — Lord Galloway was an enemy to the
Bute administration. At the change of the min-
istry he came to London for the first time in the
late King's reign. He was dressed in black, in
a very uncourtly style. When he appeared at
the levee, the eyes of the company were turned
on him ; and George Selwyn, being asked who he
was, replied, " A Scotch undertaker, come to
bury the last administration."
1222. — In one of those social parties, which
sometimes take place even among the great at
the west end of the town, where mirth and inno-
cent amusement occupy the place of ceremony,
a young lady, who had been a pupil of Dr.
Spurzheim, was instructing the company with
her observations on their heads. At length it
came to the turn of the great Captain of the
Age to have his head examined ; which done, the
lady's opinion was demanded. She hesitated,
blushed, but said nothing. — " Come," said his
Grace, " don't be afraid, my young friend, to
JOE MILLER 197
declare what you think." — " Why then," said
the lady? " since I must speak, your Grace is de-
ficient in that organ, which I, in common with all
the world, know you possess in the highest de-
gree — Gall's doctrines must fall at once." —
" No, Madam," said the Duke, " you mean cour-
age, and I assure you, your doctrine receives
confirmation, not refutation, from the head you
have examined. I have no courage, and never
had in a physical sense, and that, which I trust
I do possess, is altogether the effect of reason
1223. — The Rev. Dr. P., visiting a country
clergyman, requested permission to preach to his
congregation, which his friend consented to, on
condition that he adapted the language of his
sermon to the illiterate capacities of his parish-
ioners, and that he used no hard words. After
the sermon was over, Dr. P. asked his friend
whether he had not strictly observed the condi-
tions? The other replied that he had used sev-
eral words beyond the comprehension of his
hearers, and instanced the word felicity, for
which he would have substituted happiness. Dr.
P. contended that one word was as plain as the
other; and, to prove it, proposed calling in the
ploughman, and putting it to him, which was
done. " Well, Robin, do you know the meaning
of the word felicity? "— " Ees, Sir," said Robin,
scratching his head and endeavouring to look
wise, " ees, I thinks as how I does." — " Well,
Robin, speak up." — " Wy, Sir, I doesn't dis-
198 JOE MILLER
actly, but I think's it's somc'at inside of a
pig."
1224. — General Laborie, in conversation
with Count Lehrbach and Field-Marshal Lasnes,
at the French advanced posts, while the conven-
tion of Hohenlinden was preparing, made some
allusions to the want of dignity which a great
nation exhibits in making war in the pay of a
foreign power.- — " How ! " observed the Aus-
trian, " the emperor is in no one's pay." — " But
you received subsidies from England." — " No,"
said Count Lehrbach, with vehemence, " it is a
loan." — " Yes," replied Laborie sarcastically,
" and you pay the interest with legs and arms."
1225. — Tom Tickle was peculiarly odd in
his manner of drawing characters. He once
sent his servant to a gentleman, remarkable for
being always in a hurry, with a message of great
importance; but the servant returned, and told
his master that the gentleman was in so great a
hurry he could not speak to him. " It is no
more than what I expected," says Tom, " for
he loses an hour in the morning, and runs after
it all day."
1226. — A Commercial Traveller one day,
at a country inn, was boasting somewhat extrava-
gantly of the very extensive nature of the trans-
actions in which he had the honour to be con-
cerned. Amongst other proofs of the truth of
his representations, he stated to his fellow-travel-
lers, that " his house paid upwards of 300Z. per
JOE MILLER 199
annum for the article of writing-ink only, to be
used in their counting-house, and other offices!"
— "Oh!" replies a traveller in a different line
of business, " that's a mere flea-bite to the busi-
ness done by our house; do you know," he con-
tinued, " that during the last twelvemonths we
have saved, in that article alone, no less a sum
than 2,000/. by merely omitting the dots to our
r.v, and the crosses to our f's."
1227. — A Shoemaker once disappointed
Dean Swift, by not bringing a pair of shoes at
the promised time, and excused himself by say-
ing he had forgotten to do so. The Dean ap-
peared satisfied, asked him into his garden, and
after a few turns left him on some pretence,
locked the garden door, and put the key in his
pocket. The shoemaker soon began to grow
very cold and impatient. No attention, how-
ever, was paid him until night-fall, when he be-
gan to roar most lustily. The Dean, armed w T ith
a blunderbuss, and accompanied by all his ser-
vants, rushed out to the garden, and inquired,
*' Who's there? " in a voice of thunder. The
shoemaker replied it was he. " Good God !
Mr. ," said the Dean, " how long have you
been here? " — " Six hours," rejoined the shoe-
maker. — " My dear Sir," said the Dean, " I beg
your pardon, but I quite forgot you — as you
forgot the shoes."
1228. — The Abbe Maury, who had rendered
himself obnoxious to the democrats, during the
French Revolution, was one night seized by the
5200 JOE MILLER
mob, who looked round for a lamp-post to sus-
pend him on : " Pray, my good friends," said
the Abbe, " were you to hang me to that lamp,
do you think that you would see the clearer for
it? " This well-timed wit softened the rabble
more effectually than the dialectics of Ramus,
and saved his life.
1229. — The Sallies of Heroes are admired
only when they are attended with success, —
" Thou bearest Caesar and his fortune " — but if
Csesar had been drowned? "So would I, if I
were Parmenio " — but if Alexander had been
beaten ? " Take these rags and bring them to
me in St. James's palace " — but Charles Edward
was defeated.
1230. — A Wit asked a countryman at what
time he most enjoyed himself? " In winter,"
replied he, " when I sleep in the chimney-corner
after supper." " Then you are of swinish de-
scent," said the wit, " for they sleep after meals."
— " Pray," said the fellow, " what time do you
wags enjoy most? " — " May," replied the other.
" Very well," cried the fellow, " your kin is clear
enough, for my ass likes that part of the yoar
best."
1231. — The Discontent of the French
troops in Egypt happily vented itself in sarcas-
tic jokes: this is the humour which always bears
a Frenchman through difficulties. They had a
great spite at General Caffarelli, whom they be-
lieved to have been one of the promoters of the
JOE MILLER 201
expedition. CafFarelli had a wooden leg, having
lost one of his limbs on the banks of the Rhine ;
and whenever the soldiers saw him hobbling past,
they would say, loud enough for him to hear —
" That fellow docs not care what happens ; he is
certain at all events to have one leg in France."
1232. — The Ambassadors sent from Flor-
ence to France passing through Milan, paid a
visit of ceremony to the Duke Barnabo, who ask-
ing them who they were, they answered, " Citi-
zens and ambassadors of Florence, if it please
your highness." Being graciously received,
they proceeded on their journey; and when they
came to Yercelli it was started that the expression
used to the duke was improper, for they were
certainly citizens and ambassadors of Florence,
whether it pleased his highness or not. After
much deliberation, they agreed to return to
Milan, and retract that, expression, as derogatory
to their embassy. Coming to the duke's pres-
ence the elder spoke thus : " Prince, when he came
to Vercelli, we recollected to have said, ' That
we were citizens and ambassadors of Florence,
if it pleases your highness,' which was a wrong
expression ; for we are citizens and ambassadors
of Florence, whether it please your highness or
not." — Barnabo, laughing, answered, " Now I
know you to be what I supposed, grave men, and
xvise."
1233. — Charles V. going to see the new
cloister of the Dominicans at Vienna, overtook a
peasant who was carrying a sucking pig, and
202 JOE MILLER
whose cries were so disagreeable to the emperor,
that, after many expressions of impatience, he
said to the peasant, " My friend, do you not
know how to silence a sucking pig? " The poor
man said, modestly, that he really did not, and
should be happy to learn. " Take it by the
tail," said the emperor. The peasant finding
this succeed upon trial, turned to the emperor,
and said, " Faith, friend, you must have been
longer at the trade than me, for you understand
it better." An answer which furnished repeated
laughter to Charles and his court.
1234. — A Curate of great learning and
merit, but without any prospect of preferment,
found an opportunity of preaching before
Bishop Hough, who was so well pleased with his
discourse and manner of delivery, that after ser-
vice he sent his compliments to him, desiring to
know his name, and where .his living was. " My
duty to his lordship," replied the clergyman,
" and tell him my name is Lewis ; that living I
have none; but my starving is in Wales." This
smart answer did not displease the good bishop,
who some time after presented him to a valuable
benefice.
1235. — Theophrastus said to one who was
silent in company, " If you are a fool, you do
wisely ; if you are wise, you do foolishly."
1236. — Cardinal d'Este having been in-
strumental in raising Sixtus V. to the papacy,
and not finding himself consulted in matters of
JOE MILLER 203
government, reproached him one day, saying,
" But for me you had not been pope." Sixtus
answered, " If you made me pope, let me be
pope. I shall never be so while I am governed
by another."
1237. — Salezzo de Pedrada praising an
old lady for her beauty, she answered, that
beauty was incompatible with her age. To
which Salezzo replied, " We say as beautiful as
an angel, and yet the angels are, of all creatures,
the most ancient."
1238. — When Xerxes wrote to Leonidas to
surrender his arms, he only replied, " Come and
take them."
1239. — Mrs. Barbauld being on a visit to
the university of Oxford, in company with a very
stupid young nobleman, who acted as Cicerone
at one of the colleges, it was observed by a person
who knew both the parties, how unfortunate she
was in her conductor. " Not at all," said a gen-
tleman present, " Minerva, you know, was always
attended by an owl."
1240. — Old Astley, one evening, when his
band was playing an overture, went up to the
horn players, and asked why they were not play-
ing. They said they had twenty bars rest.
" Rest ! " says he, " I'll have nobody rest in my
company ; I pay you for playing, not for rest-
ing."
1241. — Mr. Moore, having been long under
a prosecution in Doctors' Commons, his proctor
204 JOE MILLER
called on him one day whilst he was composing
the tragedy of the Gamester. The proctor hav-
ing sat down, he read him four acts of the piece,
being all he had written, by which the man of
law was so much affected, that he exclaimed,
" Good God ! can you add to this couple's dis-
tress in the last act? " — " Oh! very easily," said
the poet, " I intend to put them in the Spiritual
Court."
1242. — Macklin, the Player, once going to
one of the fire offices to insure some property,
was asked by the clerk how he would please to
have his name entered. " Entered," replied the
veteran, " why, I am only plain Charles Mack-
lin, a vagabond by act of parliament; but, in
compliment to the times, you may set me down
Charles Macklin, Esq., as they are now synony-
mous terms."
1243. — An Athenian, who wanted eloquence,
but was very brave, when another had, in a long
and brilliant speech, promised great affairs, got
up, and said, " Men of Athens, all that he has
said, I will do."
1244. — When Pope Clement XIV. (Gan-
ganelli) ascended the papal chair, the ambassa-
dors of the different states waited on him with
congratulations: when they were introduced,
they bowed, and he returned the compliment by
bowing likewise ; the master of ceremonies told
his holiness he should not have returned their
salute ; " O, I beg your pardon," said the good
JOE MILLER 205
pontiff, " I have not been pope long enough to
forget good manners."
1245. — When Lord Howe was captain of
the Magnanime, a negro sailor on board was or-
dered to be flogged. Everything being pre-
pared, and the ship's company assembled to see
the punishment inflicted, Captain Howe made a
long address to the culprit on the enormity of
his offence. Poor Mungo, tired of the harangue,
and having his back exposed to the cold, ex-
claimed, " Massa, if you floggee, floggee ; or if
you preachce, preachee; but no preachee and
floggee too! "
1246. — Ned Shuter was often very poor,
and being still more negligent than poor, was
careless about his dress. A friend overtaking
him one day in the street, said to him, " Why,
Ned, are you not ashamed to walk the street?
with twenty holes in your stockings ? why don't
you get them mended? " — " No, my friend,"
said Ned, " I am above it; and if you have the
pride of a gentleman, you will act like me, and
walk with twenty holes rather than have one
darn." — " How, how," replied the other, " how
do you make that out? " — " Why," replied Ned,
" a hole is the accident of the day; but a darn
is premeditated poverty.'"
1247. — About the Year 1715, when Dr.
Hallcv's scheme of the great solar eclipse, which
foretold the precise time of its beginning and
ending, was cried about the streets of London,
206 JOE MILLER
there happened to be a Turkish envoy here, who
at first thought the people distracted, for pre-
tending to know so very exactly when the Al-
mighty would totally overshadow the sun, a cir-
cumstance of which the Mussulmans were igno-
rant. He concluded that God would never re-
veal so great a secret to infidels, and keep it con-
cealed from the true believers. However, when
the eclipse came actually to pass, as had been
predicted, Lord Forfar asked his excellency what
he now thought of the English mathematicians?
His answer was, " They must certainly have ob-
tained their intelligence from the devil; for he
was sure that God would never correspond with
such a wretched set of unbelievers as the English
astronomers."
1248. — Louis XII. being at his castle of
Plassey, near Tours, went one evening into the
kitchen, where he found a boy turning the spit.
The lad had something in his countenance which
prepossessed the king in his favour, and he de-
manded who he was. The boy, not knowing the
king, replied, with honest simplicity, that " his
name was Stephen — that he came from Berri — ■
and that he gained as much as the king." — ■
" How much gains the king? " demanded Louis,
with some degree of astonishment. " His ex-
penses" answered the boy, " and I gain mine."
This answer so much pleased the monarch, that
he took the lad under his protection, and ap-
pointed him his valet-de-chambre.
1249. — The Late Marquis of Granby hav-
JOE MILLER 207
ing returned from the army in Germany, trav-
elled with all possible expedition from the Eng-
lish port at which he landed to London, and find-
ing on his arrival that the king was at Windsor,
lie proceeded there in his travelling-dress; where
desiring to be instantly introduced to his
majesty, there came a certain lord, neat and trim
dressed, gay, and perfumed like a milliner, who,
in the style of a waiting gentlewoman, said, he
hoped to God the noble marquis did not mean to
go into the presence of his majesty in so im-
proper a habit, adding, " 'Pon my honour, my
lord, you look more like a groom than a gentle-
man." — " Perhaps I may," replied the marquis,
" and I give you my word, if you do not intro-
duce me to the king this instant, I will act like a
groom, and curry you in a way you won't like."
1250. — Dr. Franklin's peculiar talent w T as
that of illustrating subjects by opposite anec-
dotes. When he was agent here for the province
of Pennsylvania, he was frequently applied to
by the ministry for his opinion respecting the
operation of the stamp act ; but his answer was
uniformly the same, " that the people of America
would never submit to it." After the news of
the destruction of the stamped papers had ar-
rived in England, the ministry again sent for the
doctor to consult with; and in conclusion offered
this proposal, " That if the Americans would
engage to pay for the damage done in the de-
struction of the stamped paper, &c, the parlia-
ment would then repeal the act." The doctor,
208 JOE MILLER
having paused upon this question for sometime,
at last answered it as follows : — " This puts me
in mind of a Frenchman, who, having heated a
poker red hot, ran furiously into the street, and
addressing the first Englishman he met there,
4 Hah ! Monsieur voulez-vous give me de
plaisir, de satisfaction, to let me run this poker
only one foot into your body ? ' — ' My body ! '
replied the Englishman : 4 what do you mean ? '
— ' Vel den, only so far,' marking about six
inches. 'Are you mad?' returned the other;
4 I tell you, if you don't go about your business,
I'll knock you down.' — ' Vel den,' said the
Frenchman, softening his voice and manner:
■ vil you, my good sire, only be so obliging as
to pay me for the trouble and expense of heating
this poker? ' "
1251. — At the Battle of Dettingen,
George II., who commanded in person, rode on a
very unruly horse, which at one period ran away
with him to a very considerable distance, until
Ensign Trapand, afterwards general, seized the
bridle, when the king dismounted, exclaiming,
" Now that I am on my legs, I am sure that I shall
not run away." At the same battle, the Gens
d'armes, the flower of the French army, made a
desperate charge on the British line opposed to
them, and were repulsed. In their retr< it they
were attacked by the Scotch Greys, and pushed
irto the river. Some years after, at a review
of the above regiment, his majesty, after ap-
plauding their appearance, turned to the French
JOE MILLER 209
ambassador, and asked him his opinion of the
regiment, adding, in his exulting manner, that
they were the best troops in the world. The
ambassador replied, " Has your majesty ever
seen the Gens d'armes? " — " No," rejoined the
king, " but my Greys have."
1252. — A Cause was once tried in one of the
western counties which originated in a dispute
about a pair of small-clothes. Upon this occa-
sion the judge observed, " that it was the first
time he had ever known a suit made out of a pair
of breeches.*'
1253. — The Late Earl of Rochester,
whose brilliant wit and talents rendered him so
distinguished in the court of Charles II. and
who, during a temporary disgrace with his sov-
sovereign, made himself a mighty favourite
with the lower orders, by his exhibitions,
under the mask of an Italian mountebank,
on Tower-hill, felt so much diffidence in the
House of Lords, that he was never able to
address them. It is said, that having fre-
quently attended, he once essayed to make a
speech, but was so embarrassed that he was un-
able to proceed. " My lords," said he, " I rise
this time — my lords, I divide my discourse into
four branches." Here he faltered for some
time ; at length he was able to add, " My lords,
if ever I rise again in this house, I give you
leave to cut me off, root and branch, forever."
He then sat down, to the astonishment of all
present.
210 JOE MILLER
1254. — When the Archbishop of York
sent Ben Jonson an excellent dish of fish from
his table, but without drink, he said —
" In a dish came fish
From the arch-bis-
Hop was not there,
Because there was no beer."
1255. — In a Debate, one evening, on the
justice and expediency of making some altera-
tion in the ecclesiastical constitution of this coun-
try, for the relief of tender consciences, Doctor
Gordon, fellow of Emanuel College, and after-
wards precentor of Lincoln, an avowed Tory in
religious politics, when vehemently opposing the
arguments of Mr. Jebb, a strenuous supporter
of all such improvements, exclaimed, with his
usual heat ; — " You mean, Sir, to impose upon
us a new church government."—" You are mis-
taken, Sir," said Paley, who was present, —
" Jebb only wants to ride his own horse, not to
force you to get up behind him."
1256. — It is said that Sir Isaac Newton did
once in his life go a wooing, and, as was to be ex-
pected, had the greatest indulgence paid to his
little peculiarities, which ever accompany a great
genius. Knowing that he was fond of smoking,
the lady assiduously provided him with a pipe,
and they were seated as if to open the business
of (\ipid. Sir Isaac smoked a few whiffs —
seemed at a loss for something — whiffed again —
and at last drew his chair near to the lady ' a
pause of some minutes ensued ; lie seemed a little
JOE MILLER 81!
uneasy; "Oh the timidity of sonic!" thought
the lady — when, lo ! Sir Isaac had got hold of
her hand. The lady cast her eyes down towards
the floor, and the palpitations began : he will kiss
it, thought she, no doubt, and then the matter
will be settled. Sir Isaac whiffed with redoubled
fury, and drew the captive hand near his head;
already the expected salute vibrated from the
hand to the heart — when, pity the damsel, gentle
reader! Sir Isaac only raised the fair hand, to
make the forefinger what he much wanted — a
tobacco stopper!
1257. — Doctor Fuller having requested
one of his companions, who was a bon-vivant, to
make an epitaph for him, received the following,
with the conceit of which he always expressed
kimself much pleased, —
" Here lies Fuller's earth ! "
1258. — Porsox's Company, as may well be
supposed, was courted by all ranks, from the
combination-room to the cider-cellar, for he
mixed with all, and was to be found in both ; and
it was who should assist at his evening lectures,
and who should carry away most from the oracle.
But sometimes it would happen, as it does to most
men, that he was bedevilled, and pulling a book
out of his pocket, read only to himself ; at other
times he was violent, and, catching the poker out
of the fire, brandished it over his head, to the ter-
ror of the company. Of this trick, however, he
was cured, once for all, by a spark of fighting
212 JOE MILLER
notoriety, who, on seeing Porson seize the poker,
and not being used to a furious Greek, but in
the play, snatched up the tongs, observing two
could play at that game. Upon this, the pro-
fessor, with a sneer of his own said, " I believe,
if I should crack your skull, I should find it very
empty." — " And if I should break your head,"
replied the Irishman, " I should find it full of
maggots." This retort pleased Porson so much,
that he returned the poker to the fire, and re-
peated a whole chapter of Roderick Random,
analogous to the affair.
1259. — Latimer, the pious and learned mar-
tyr, and Bishop of Worcester, who was educated
at Christ College, Cambridge, and was one of the
first reformers of the church of England, at a
controversial conference, being out-talked by
younger divines, and out-argued by those who
were more studied in the fathers, said, " I cannot
talk for my religion, but I am ready to die for
it."
1260. — Professor Saunderson, who occu-
pied so distinguished a situation in the Univer-
sity of Cambridge, as that of Lucasian Professor
of Mathematics, was quite blind. Happening
on a time to make one in a large party, he re-
marked of a lady who had just left the room,
but whom he had never before met, nor heard of,
that she had very white teeth. The company
were anxious to learn how he had discovered this,
which was very true. " I have reason," observed
the orofessor, " to believe that the lady is not
JOE MILLER 213
a fool, and I can think of no other motive for
her laughing incessantly, as she did for a whole
hour together."
1261. — The Following, amongst other
reasons, is given as the origin of the students of
St. John's College being denominated hogs. A
waggish genius espying a coffee-house waiter
carrying a dish to a Johnian, who was seated in
another box in the same coffee-house, asked, " if
it were a dish of grains ! " The Johnian imme-
diately replied, —
" Says , the Johns eat grains ; suppose it true,
They pay for what they eat ; does he s'o too ? "
1262. — Porson was no less distinguished for
his wit and humour, during his residence in Cam-
bridge, than for his profound learning; and he
would frequently divert himself by sending quiz-
zical morceaux, in the shape of notes, to his com-
panions. He one day sent his gyp w T ith a note
to a certain Cantab, who is now a D. D. and mas-
ter of his College, requesting him to find the
value of nothing? Next day he met his friend
walking, and stopping him, he desired to know,
" Whether he had succeeded ? " His friend an-
swered— " Yes !"— " And what may it be?"
asked Porson. " Sixpence! " replied the Can-
tab, " which I gave the man for bringing the
note."
1263. — Dr. Glynn, being one day in attend-
ance on a lady in the quality of her physician,
took the liberty of lecturing her on the impro-
214 JOE MILLER
priety of her eating cucumber, of which she was
immoderately fond ; and gave her the following
humourous receipt for dressing them : — " Peel
the cucumber," said the doctor, " with great
care ; then cut it into very thin slices, pepper and
salt it well, and then — throw it away! "
1264. — A Johnian, now deceased, one day
met a Trinity man, walking under the piazza of
Neville's Court, of whom he had some knowledge.
Going suddenly up to the Trinitarian, he ad-
dressed him with, — " Sir, you are a thief ! " The
Trinitarian, all astonishment at the tone in which
the accusation was made, demanded an explana-
tion. " Sir," answered the Johnian, smiling,
" you steal from the sun."
1265. — A Son of Grantor, whose delight
was rather in the sports of the field than in strut-
ting about the streets of the University a la Can-
tab, had been out very early one morning at a
fox-chase; from which returning at a late hour,
his appetite became so excessively keen, that it
was not to be resisted, and accordingly he re-
solved to beg alms at the first farm-house he
might light on. His sight rendered keener b}'
the cravings of his stomach, he soon espied a
small house at some distance, which having
gained, he offered his humble petition to mine
hostess. The old dame courtesied, begged our
hero would alight, and regretted she had no bet-
ter cheer to offer him than the remnant of a meat
pie, the remains of their own frugal meal.
" Anything is better than nothing," cried the
JOE MILLER 215
Cantab, at the same time entreating she would
not delay a moment in placing it before him : for
he already devoured it in imagination, so keen
was his hunger. " Here it is," said the dame,
producing it at the same instant from a small
cupboard near the elbow of our sportsman, who
turned round as she spoke — " Here it is, Sir; it
is only made of the odds and ends, but may hope
your honour would like it, though it has mutton
and beef and all that in it." — "Charming! my
good woman, it needs no apology ; I never tasted
a more delicious morsel in my life ! " continued
the Cantab, as he swallowed or rather devoured
mouthful after mouthful. " But there is fish in
it, too," said he, as he greedily sucked what he
supposed to be a bone. " Fish," exclaimed the
old dame, looking intently on what the sports-
man had got in his hand : " fish, nae, Sir, — why
lack a day (cried she) ! if that beant our Billy's
comb! "
1266. — A Gentleman, who possessed a small
estate in Gloucestershire, was allured to town by
the promises of a courtier, who kept him in con-
stant attendance for a long while to no purpose ;
at last the gentleman, quite tired out, called upon
his pretended friend, and told him that he had
at last got a place. The courtier shook him very
heartily by the hand, and said he was very much
rejoiced at the event: " But pray, Sir," said he,
w where is your place? " — " In the Gloucester
coach," replied the other. " I secured it last
night, and so good-bye to you."
216 JOE MILLER
1267. — Ignatius Sancho, in one of his let-
ters, tells his correspondent, that Sam Foote was
dead. " A leg, which had been cut off," says he,
" was buried some years since, and now the whole
Foote follows."
1268. — A Sailor, who had been fighting and
making a riot, was taken, first to a watch-house,
then before a justice, who, after severely repri-
manding him, ordered him to find bail. " I have
no bail," said Jack. " Then I'll commit you,"
said the justice. "You will!" said the sailor,
" then the Lord send you the rope that stops the
wind when the ship's at anchor." — " What do
you mean by that? " said the justice, " I insist
on an explanation of that phrase." — " Why,"
said Jack, " it's the hanging rope at the yard-
arm."
1269. — A Violent Welsh Squire having
taken offence at a poor curate, who employed his
leisure hours in mending clocks and watches, ap-
plied to the bishop of St. Asaph with a formal
complaint against him, for impiously carrying
on trade contrary to the statute. His lordship
having heard the complaint, told the squire, " He
might depend upon it the strictest justice should
be done in the case." Accordingly the mechanic
divine was sent for, and the bishop asked him
how he dared to disgrace his diocese by following '
so low a trade as that of a mender of time-pieces.
The other, with all humility, answered, " To
satisfy the wants of a wife and ten children!"
— " That won't do with me," rejoined the prel-
.JOE MILLER 217
ate; "I'll inflict such a punishment upon you,
as shall make you leave off your pitiful trade, I
promise you ; " and immediately calling in his
secretary, ordered him to make out a presenta-
tion to the astonished curate to a living of at
least 150Z. per annum.
1270. — General Kirk, who had served
many years at Tangier, after his return to
England, was pressed by James the Second to
beome a proselyte to the Romish religion, as the
most acceptable means of recommending himself
to favour. As soon as the king had done speak-
ing, Kirk expressed great concern that it was
not in his power to comply with his majesty's
desire, because he was really pre-engaged. The
king smiled, and asked him what he meant?
" Why, truly," answered Kirk, " when I was
abroad, I promised the emperor of Morocco,
that if ever I changed my religion I would turn
Mahometan ; and I never did break my word in
my life, and must beg leave to say I never will."
1271. — Dr. Wall at a public dinner was
playing with a cork upon the table. " What a
dirty hand Dr. W. has," said Mr. E. " I'll bet
you a bottle there is a dirtier in company," said
the doctor, who had overheard. " Done," said
he ; upon which he produced his other hand, and
won the wager.
1272. — Dr. Ratcliffe being in a tavern one
evening, a gentleman entered in great haste, al-
most speechless : " Doctor, my wife is at the
218 JOE MILLER.
point of death, make haste, come with me." —
" Not till I have finished my bottle, however," re-
plied the doctor. The man, who happened to be
a fine athletic fellow, finding the entreaty useless,
snatched up the doctor, hoisted him on his back,
and carried him out of the tavern : — the moment
he set the doctor upon his legs, he received from
him, in a very emphatic manner, the following
threat : " Now, you rascal, I'll cure your wife in
spite of you."
1273. — A Tobacconist having set up his
chariot, in order to anticipate the jokes that
might be passed on the occasion, displayed on it
the Latin motto of " Quid rides ! " Two sailors
who had often used his shop, seeing him pass by
in his carriage, the one asked the meaning of the
inscription, when his companion said it was plain
enough, repeating them as two English words,
Quid rides.
1274. — Henry IV. of France leaning out of
a window, with the skirts of his coat gaping be-
hind, a stout scullion, perceiving the favourable
situation, and mistaking his Sacred Majesty for
one of the cooks, advanced on tiptoe, and with a
well extended arm, discharged a heavy blow on
the royal buttocks. " Zounds ! " cried the King,
" what the devil's the matter now? " The poor
man thinking himself undone, fell upon his
knees, and excused himself by protesting he had
mistaken his Majesty for Bertrand. — " Well,"
replied the King, rubbing briskly the aching
T>art, " if it had been Bertrand, where was the
JOfe MILLER 219
necessity of striking so cursed hard? " and gave
him a Louis d'Or.
1275. — A Great Crowd being gathered about
a poor cobbler, who had just died in the street,
a gentleman asked a bystander, who happened to
be the well known G. A. Stevens, the facetious
author of the Lecture on Heads, what. was to be
seen? The wit, with more humour than the cir-
cumstance allowed, replied " Oh ! only a cobbler's
end.' 3
1276. — Fletcher, of Saltown, is well known
u, have possessed a most irritable temper. His
footman desiring to be dismissed, " Why do you
leave me?" said he. "Because, to speak the
truth, I cannot bear your temper." — " To be
sure, I am passionate, but my passion is no sooner
on than it is off." — " Yes," replied the servant,
" but it is no sooner off than it is on."
1277. — King James I. mounting a horse that
was unruly, cried, " The de'el tak my saul, sir-
rah, an ye be na quiet, I'll send ye to the Five
Hundred Kings in the House o' Commons.
They'll sune tame ye."
1278. — " You Are a Jew," said one man to
another; " when I bought this pig of you it was
+o be a guinea, and now }'ou demand hve-and-
twenty shillings, which is more than you asked."
— " For that very reason," replied the other, " I
am no Jew, for a Jew always takes less than he
asks."
1279. — Dr. Moncey once going along Ox-
220 JOE MILLER
ford Market, observed a poor woman in the
family way at a butcher's shop, asking the price
of a fine piece of beef. The brute answered the
woman, " One penny a pound," thinking, no
doubt, it was too good for her. " Weigh that
piece of beef," said the doctor. " Ten pounds
and a half," said Mr. Butcher. " Here, good
woman," cried the doctor, " hold up your apron
and take that beef home to your family." —
" God bless your honour ! " — " Go off, directly
— home : no compliments ! Here, Mr. Butcher,"
says the doctor, " give me change out of this shil-
ling for that poor woman's beef." — " What do
you mean, Sir? " replied the butcher. " Mean,
Sir ! why to pay for the poor woman's beef what
you asked her, a penny a pound. Come, make
haste, and give me three halfpence; I am in a
hurry." — " Why, Sir, ," said the butcher.
" No why sirs with me," says the doctor, " give
me my change instantly or I will break your
head." The butcher again began to expostulate,
and the doctor struck him with all his force with
his cane. A number of butchers had by this time
gathered round him. The doctor told the story,
and they could not refrain from laughing at
their brother steel. The butcher vowed he would
summon the doctor before the Court of Con-
science. The latter gave the man his address,
but never got his change, or heard any more of
his butcher.
1280.— Louis XIV. was told that Lord Stair
was the best bred man in Europe. " I shall soon
JOE MILLER m\
put that to the test," said the king, and asking
Lord Stair to take an airing with him; as soon
as the door of the coach was opened he bade him
pass and go in, — the other bowed and obeyed.
The king said, " The world was right in the
character it gave of Lord Stair — another per-
son would have troubled me with ceremony."
1281. — Shuter being engaged for a few
nights, in a principal city, in the north of Eng-
land, it happened that the stage in which he went
down, (and in which there was only an old gen-
tleman and himself), was stopped on the other
side of Finchley Common b}' a single highway-
man. The old gentleman, in order to save his
own money, pretended to be asleep, but Shuter
resolved to be even with him. Accordingly, when
the highwayman presented his pistol, and com-
manded Shuter to deliver his money instantly,
or he was a dead man : " Money," returned he,
with an idiotic shrug, and a countenance inex-
pressibly vacant, " Lord, Sir, they never trust
me witli any ; for nuncle here, always pays for
me, turnpikes and all, your honour." Upon
which the highwayman gave him a few hearty
curses for his stupidity, complimented the old
gentleman with a smart slap on the face to
awaken him, and robbed him of every shilling he
had in his pocket : while Shuter, who did not lose
a single farthing, with great satisfaction and
merriment pursued his journey.
1282. — An Inhabitant of Montgaielard
lately deceased, left the following testament: " It
222 JOE MILLER
is my will that any one of my relations who shall
presume to shed tears at my funeral shall be dis-
inherited ; he, on the other hand, who laughs the
most heartily, shall be sole heir. In order that
neither the church nor my house shall be hung
with black cloth; but that on the day of my
burial, the house and church shall be decorated
with flowers and green boughs. Instead of the
tolling of bells, I will have drums, fiddles and
fifes. All the musicians of Montgaillard and its
environs shall attend the funeral. Fifty of them
shall open the procession with hunting tunes,
waltzes, and minuets." This singular will cre-
ated the more surprise, as the deceased had al-
ways been denominated by his family, the Mis-
anthrope, on account of his gloomy and reserved
character.
1283. — It Happened One Morning while
Dr. Busby was at his desk hearing a class, that
a stone came suddenly through the window, on
which ke despatched two of the larger boys to
bring in the culprit, supposing him to be one of
his own pupils, a party of whom was then in the
play-ground. The boys, however, being little
disposed to betray their comrade, laid hands on
a meagre Frenchman, who happened to be pass-
ing by, and brought him in as the offender ; when
the Doctor, without listening to a word he had
to say, immediately exclaimed, " Take him up."
This was as promptly obeyed as ordered, and the
Frenchman received a sound flogging. Think-
ing it in vain to shew his resentment to a master,
JOE MILLER 223
surrounded by his scholars, he indignantly re-
treated ; but at the first coffee-house he came to,
sat down to write his enemy a challenge, which
he sent by a porter. No sooner had the Doctor
read the letter than he ordered in the messenger,
on whose appearance the usual exclamation fol-
lowed, " Take him up ; " — and the ceremony of
flogging was repeated in all its vigour. It was
now the porter's turn to be wrathful; — he re-
turned to his employer full of oaths and execra-
tions, and protesting that he should make full
amends for the treatment he had exposed him to ;
but the only redress he could get from the
Frenchman was a shrug of the shoulders, with,
" Ah, sure he be de vipping man ; — he vip me —
vip you — and vip all the world."
1284. — At the Top of Sir Thomas More's
House, it should seem that there was a platform.
Sir Thomas was one day recreating himself on it,
when a madman broke loose from his confine-
ment, made his way to More's house (who was
then Lord Chancellor), and rushing up stairs,
insisted on the Chancellor's leaping down!
" Pooh," said Sir Thomas (with his usual pres-
ervation of temper and presence of mind), " any
body can leap down : but to leap up, from the
ground, that is the main question ! " Such a
proposal w r as likely to strike the perverse feelings
of a maniac ; and Sir Thomas was gravely liber-
ated by his companion, in order to make the ex-
periment.
1285. — During His Chancellorship, More
224 JOE MILLER
and his wife sat in different pews at church ; and,
on the conclusion of service, and the retirement
of the Chancellor, a man servant used to go and
open Lady More's pew, and say, " My lord is
gone." On the dismissal of More from the seals,
his suite was necessarily dismissed also: and the
first Sunday after he had resigned them, Sir
Thomas himself came and opened the pew-door,
and gravely bowing to his wife, exclaimed " My
Lord is gone! " Nothing ever soured the tem-
per, or daunted the courage and good spirits of
that invulnerable man.
1286. — Triboulet, a court-fool in the time of
Francis I., said that, if Charles V. were simple
enough to enter France and trust himself in the
power of an enemy whom he had used so ill, he
would give his fool's cap to him. — " And sup-
pose," said the King, " I give him as free a
passage, as if he were traversing his own king-
dom? " — " Sire," answered Triboulet, " in that
case I shall take back my cap, and make you a
present of it."
1287. — A Duel, between M. de Langerie
and M. de Montande, both remarkable for their
ugliness, had a very comic catastrophe. Arrived
at the place of battle, M. de Langerie stares his
adversary in the face, and says, " I have just re-
flected ; I can't fight with you." With this he re-
turns his sword to its scabbard. " How, Sir,
what does this mean? " — " It means that I shall
not fight." — " What ! You insult me, and refuse
to give me satisfaction ? " — " If I have insulted
JOE MILLER 225
you, I ask a thousand pardons, but I have an in-
surmountable reason for not fighting wiih you."
—"But, Sir, may one know it?"— "It will
offend you." — " No, Sir." — " You assure me? "
— " Yes, I assure you."—" Well, Sir, this it is ;
if we fight, according to all appearances I shall
kill you, and then I shall remain the ugliest fel-
low in the kingdom." His adversary could not
help laughing, and they returned to the city
good friends.
1288. — Jealousy has sometimes converted
even women into duellists, and that at no very
distant period. It is not more than five and forty
years ago that an actress, who still lives, called
out another to the wood of Boulogne. The sub-
ject was a faithless lover, who had been seduced
by a second passion from his first love. Both
parties were exact to the appointment, and the
deserted fair one drew first, but, at the sight of
the sword the usurper lost all courage, quietl} 7
suffered her ears to be boxed, and returned to
Paris crying.
1289. — Father Jacson, a Jesuit, was a mis-
sionary at the isle Ouessant. After having par-
ticularly instructed the chief of these islanders,
he was made priest and rector of the island. He
went every year to Brest, in November or
December, to make his purchases, and above all
to buy an almanac, his precious and only guide
to the day of the month on which the moveable
feasts fell. One year, the weather was so bad,
that it was impossible for him to embark before
226 JOE MILLER
the end of March, yet still they were enjoying
flesh days in the island by the example of their
rector while all the rest of Christendom was fast-
ing or supposed to be fasting. At last our pastor
goes to Brest, where he learns that it is Passion
week, and having provided himself with every-
thing, he returns home. On the Sunday follow-
ing he gets up into his pulpit, and announces to
his flock the involuntary error that he has com-
mitted ; " But," he adds, " the evil is not much,
and we'll soon catch the rest of the faithful.
That all may be in rule, the three flesh days, shall
be to-day, to-morrow, and Tuesday ; the day fol-
lowing shall be Ash-Wednesday ; the rest of the
week we'll fast ; and on Sunday we'll sing Hal-
lelujah."
1290. — The Death of M. Perkier, of the
Royal Academy of Sciences, occasioned a strange
mistake. The Secretary of the Royal Society of
Sciences happens to be also named Perrier. At
a meeting of the latter body, the Chevalier M —
entered with a countenance woe-begone, took his
place among his brethren, then solemnly stood,
drew forth a MS. from his pocket, and with a
voice of the deepest sorrow, began a funeral ora-
tion " on his deceased friend." What was his
surprise, when " the deceased friend " stood up
from the president's chair, which he filled, (the
panegyrist was so blinded with tears, as not to
observe him sooner,) declined the honour about
to be conferred on him, thanked his friend, in the
warmest terms, and proposed, amidst roars of
JOE MILLER 227
laughter, to adjourn the reading of the oration
sine die.
1291. — Lamotte of Orleans, Bishop of
Amiens, was remarkable for the austerity of his
practice, and the indulgence of his doctrine.
Severe in his principles, he was courteous in his
manners, and even jocose in his conversation. It
is related of him that a lady of his diocese having
entreated his permission to wear a little rouge,
only a very little, he told her that he would cer-
tainly, at her request, temporise a little between
vanity and devotion, and therefore granted her
his free permission to wear rouge on one cheek.
1292. — A Certain Well-known Baccha-
nalian Officer, having been severely wounded
in an engagement during the late war in the Pen-
insula, was admonished by the surgeon to re-
linquish his usual habits of indulgence, and con-
fine himself to one or at most two glasses of wine
daily ; for if he allowed himself to exceed that
quantity it would to a certainty be attended by
the most fatal consequences. The reply was,
" Very well, doctor, you know best." At length,
the wounds healed, and the doctor still insisted
on a rigorous observance of his former instruc-
tions towards a perfect cure. The officer, how-
ever, replied, that finding his wounds were healed,
he would not only indulge himself with an extra
glass of wine, but would request the doctor to
partake of a few glasses of some that he could
recommend. The servant was forthwith ordered
to bring a couple of glasses of wine, one for the
228 JOE MILLER
doctor, and one for his master. He speedily re-
turned, bearing a salver on which rested two
glasses, each containing fully a quart and a half
of wine. " These," said the officer, " are my
glasses, doctor; and on the honour of a soldier,
I have drank no more than two of them daily,
during the whole progress of my cure."
1293. — A Clergyman, on leaving church,
was complimented by one of his friends on the
discourse he had been delivering. " South him-
self," exclaimed the delighted auditor, " never
preached a better." — " You are right," replied
the honest divine, — " it was the very best he ever
did preach."
1294. — An Old Divine, cautioning the clergy
against engaging in virulent controversy, uses
the following happy simile : — " If we will be con-
tending, let us contend like the olive and the vine,
who shall produce best and most fruit ; not like
the aspin and the elm, which shall make most
noise in a wind."
1295. — A Late Wit, at the time when the
revolutionary names of the months (Thermidor,
Floreal, Nivose, &c.) were adopted in France,
proposed to extend the innovation to our own
language, somewhat on the following model : —
Freezy, Sneezy, Breezy, Wheezy ; Showery, Low-
ery, Flowery, Bowery; Snowy, Flowy, Blowy,
Glowy.
1296. — A Slave of Amuoit Leits, the second
prince of the dynasty of the Saffarides, who
JOE MILLER 229
reigned over Khurasan and Persia, ran away.
Being brought back, the Grand Vizir, who had
some pique against the man, earnestly coun-
selled the King to put him to death for an ex-
ample to others. On this the slave prostrated
himself before Amrou, and said : " It is not for
a slave to dispute the judgment of his lord and
master ; but, as I have been brought up and sup-
ported in your palace, I owe you some return of
gratitude. I am therefore desirous that you
should not have to answer at the day of judg-
ment for the shedding of innocent blood. If I
must die, let me die under some pretext of justice.
Just allow me to murder the Vizir, and then you
can avenge his death by mine without any viola-
tion of equity. Thus shall your soul be saved."
The sultan smiled, and asked the Vizir his opin-
ion of the proposal. The latter replied, that as
his Llighness's soul was concerned in the affair,
(to say nothing of his own life, and the slave's
infallible damnation,) perhaps the safest method
for all parties would be to let the fellow go about
his business.
1297. — A Turkish Youth meeting one day
an old man of a hundred years, who, leaning on
his staff, formed with his curved person almost
the figure of a bow, the youth said," How much,
Shaick, have you paid for that bow, I want to
buy just such another." — " Have patience, my
son," rejoined the old man, " if 3^011 live long
enough you will get such a one for nothing."
1298. — An Arab of the Desert sat at the
230 JOE MILLER
table of a Caliph, and the latter perceived a hair
on the piece of meat which the other was about to
devour. " Arab," cried the Caliph, " there is a
hair on your meat, you had better remove it." —
" A table," replied the Arab, rising to depart,
" where the master looks so narrowly at the dishes
as to espy a single hair, is no place for a child of
Ismael."
1299. — A Fellow of atrocious ugliness
chanced to pick up a looking-glass on his road.
But when he looked at himself, he flung it away
in a rage, crying. " Curse you, if you were good
for any thing you would not have been thrown
away by your owner."
1800. — Dr. Graham being on his stage at
Chelmsford, in Essex, in order to promote the
sale of his medicines, told the country people,
that he came there for the good of the public,
not for want. Then speaking to his merry
Andrew : " Andrew," said he, " do we come here
for want? " — " No, faith, Sir," said Andrew,
" we have enough of that at home."
1301. — In a Conversation which Sir God-
frey Kneller held with some gentlemen at Ox-
ford, relative to the identity of the disinherited
son of James II., some doubts having been ex-
pressed, he exclaimed with wrath : " His father
and mother have sat to me about thirty-six times
a-piece, and I know every line and bit of their
faces. Mine Gott ! I could paint Kinp- James
now, b} r memory. I say, the child is so like both,
JOE MILLER 231
that there Is not a feature in his face but what be-
longs cither to father or mother; this I am sure
of, and cannot be mistaken — nay, the nails of
his fingers are his mother's, the queen that was.
Doctor ! you may be out in your letters, but I
cannot be out in my lines."
1302. — A Certain Nobleman having built a
chapel, had a mind the stair-case leading to it
should be ornamented with some scripture history
- — which he at last determined should be the Chil-
dren of Israel passing through the Red Sea, and
the Egyptians pursuing them. A painter was
employed on this occasion, and fell to work im-
mediately ; and after he had daubed the wall from
top to bottom with red paint, he called to his lord-
ship and told him the work was done. — " Done ! "
quoth the peer, — " What's done? where are the
Children of Israel? " — " My lord, they are gone
over," replied the painter. " But zounds ! where
are the Egyptians then? " — " The Egyptians,
my lord-? — why they are drowned to be sure."
1303. — An Intendant of Montpelier, hav-
ing lost his lady, was solicitous that the chief
officers of the city should attend her funeral ob-
sequies. This honour the magistracy thought
proper to refuse; because it was not customary,
and might introduce a bad precedent. With a
view, however, to conciliate the favour of a per-
son whom it would not be their interest to offend,
they politely added — " If, Sir, it had been your
own funeral, we should have attended it with the
greatest pleasure! "
232 JOE MILLER
1304. — Notice of Coffee, from Sir H.
Blunt's Travels in 1634. " They, (the Turks)
have another drink called cauphe, made of a
ber^ as big as a small bean, dried in a furnace,
and beat to powder, of a sooty colour, that they
seethe and drink, in taste a little bitterish, but as
may be endured : — it is thought to be the old
black broth used so much by the Lacedemonians :
it drieth ill humours in the stomach, comforteth
the brain," &c.
1305. — Some Time before the breaking up of
the British headquarters at Cambray, an Irish
soldier, a private in the 23d regiment of foot,
was convicted for shooting at, and robbing a
French peasant, and was in consequence sen-
tenced to be hanged. On arriving at the place of
execution, he addressed the spectators in a sten-
torian voice, as follows : — " Bad luck to the Duke
of Wellington ! he's no Irishman's friend anyhow.
I have killed many a score of Frenchmen by his
orders, and when I just took it in my head to
kill one upon my own account, by the powers
he has tucked me up for it ! "
1306. — An Ignorant Man, boasting of his
library of French books, said that he had several
volumes, but he was surprised that all the French
productions were the works of one Tom.
1307. — The Duke of Clarence jocularly
observing to a Captain of the navy, that he
heard he read the Bible, wished to know what he
had learned from it. The Captain replied, that
JOE MILLEU 233
there was one part of Scripture, at least, which
he well remembered, and thought it contained an
admirable lesson. — "What is that?" cried the
duke. " Not to put my trust in princes ! your
royal highness."
1308. — An Irishman lately arriving in Lon-
don, and passing through Broad Street, observed
a glass globe, containing some fine large Gold
Fish, he exclaimed — " And sure, this is the first
time in my life that I've seen live red herrings."
1309. — An Irishman being told that a friend
of his had put his money in the stocks. " Well,"
said lie, " I never had a farthing in the stocks,
but I have had my legs often enough in them."
1310. — When Prague was besieged by the
Swedes, under Charles X., a very great glutton
eat, in the presence of the king, a hog alive.
General Konigsmark was also a spectator: this
veteran officer told the king, the fellow was a
sorcerer, and that it was by enchantment and de-
ception he appeared to eat what, in fact, he did
not. The operator being nettled at the gen-
eral's incredulity, told the prince, that " if he
would command his officer to take off his boots
and spurs he would eat him ; " which so terrified
General Konigsmark, that he retired with great
precipitancy, choosing rather to put up with a
little confusion, than be convinced, at so dear a
price, of the goodness of this fellow's appetite.
1311. — The following severe epigram upon
Burke was attributed to the pen of the late Lord
2$4i JOE MILLER
Ellenborough ; it. was enclosed in a cover, and
presented to Burke as he was about to open one
of the principal charges against Warren Hast-
ings, in the High Court of Parliament:
Oft have we wonder'd that on Irish ground,
No poisonous reptile has ere yet been found.
Reveal' d the secret stands of Nature's work,
She sav'd her venom to create a Burke.
With an air of blended indignation and con-
tempt he tore it in pieces, and scattered it about
the hall. The stanza, however, was impressed
on his memory? and subsequently repeated by
him to some friends with an air of jocularity.
1312. — " Mr. Abrahams," said Lord Mans-
field, " this man is your son, and cannot go in
the same bail bond." — " He ish not my son, my
lord." — " Why, Abrahams, here are twenty in
court will prove it." — " I will shwear, my lord,
he ish not." — " Take care, Abrahams, or I will
send you to the King's Bench." — " Now, my
lord, if your lordship pleases, I will tell }'ou the
truth."—" Well, I shall be glad to hear the truth
from a Jew," replied Lord Mansfield. " Mv
lord, I wash in Amsterdam two years and three
quarters ; when I came home I flndish this lad :
now the law obliges me to maintain him ; and
consequently, my lord, he ish but my son-in-law. "
— " Well, Moses," rejoined Lord Mansfield,
" this is the best definition of a son-in-law I ever
heard."
1313. — The father of the celebrated Sheridan
JOE MILLER 235
was one day descanting on the pedigree of his
family, regretting that they were no longer
styled O'Sheridan, as they were formerly. " In-
deed, father," replied Sheridan, then a boy, " we
have more right to the O than any one else ; for
we owe everybody."
1314. — An Irishman who lodged at the Dol-
phin Inn, Bristol, coming home late one night,
when all was in bed, and there being no knocker
on the door, he thumped with his hand for some
time, and could make nobody hear. At length,
on the opposite side of the way, he found a house
with a knocker, and began thumping most un-
mercifully, when the landlord of the house, put-
ting his head out of the window, exclaimed,
" What the devil do you want here at this time,
disturbing one's rest? " — " Arrah, honey," cried
Pat, " what the devil did you disturb yourself
for? I was only borrowing your knocker."
1315. — Two Irish Seaman being on board
a ship of war that was lying at Spithead, one of
them, looking on Haslar Hospital, observed,
" How much that building puts me in mind of
my father's stables." — " Arrah, my honey,"
cries the other, " come with me, and I will shew
you what will put you in mind of your father's
house." So saying, he led him to the pig-sty —
" There," said he, " does not that put you in
mind of your father's parlour? "
1316. — Frederick I. of Prussia, standing
one day at a window in his palace, perceived that
g36 JOE MILLER
one of the pages took a pinch of snuff from a
box which lay on the table. He did not inter-
rupt him, but turning round immediately after-
wards, he asked, " Do you like that snuff-box? "
The page was confounded, and made no reply.
The king repeated his question, and the page
said, trembling, that he thought it very beauti-
ful. " In that case," replied Frederick, " take
it, for it is too small for us both."
1317. — It is Well Known that the celebrated
lawyer Dunning (afterwards Lord Ashburton)
was a severe cross-examiner, unsparing in his sar-
casms and reflections upon character, when he
thought that the truth might be elicited by
alarming a witness. He sometimes was harsh
and overbearing, when milder behaviour would
have done him more credit, and answered his pur-
pose quite as well. Among the numerous re-
bukes which he received for this habit of severp
ity, the following is related, from his brother
barrister, Jack Lee. He mentioned to Lee that
he had made a purchase of some manors in Dev-
onshire. " It would be well," said Lee, " if you
could bring them to Westminster Hall."
1318. — The Late Lee Lewes shooting on a
field, the proprietor attacked him violently : " I
allow no person," said he, " to kill game on my
manor but myself, and I'll shoot you, if you
come here again." — " What," said the other, " I
suppose you mean to make game of me."
1319. — Soon After Lord Chesterfield
JOE MILLER 237
came into the privy council, a place of great trust
happened to become vacant, to which his Majesty
(George II.) and the Duke of Dorset recom-
mended two different persons. The king es-
poused the interest of his friend with some heat,
and told them he would be obeyed ! but not being
able to carry his point, left the council-chamber
in great displeasure. As soon as he retired, the
matter was warmly debated, but at length carried
against the king, because if they once gave him
his way, he would expect it again, and it would
at length become a precedent. However, in the
humour the king then was, a question arose con-
cerning who should carry the grant of the office
for the ro}^al signature, and the lot fell upon
Chesterfield. His lordship expected to find his
sovereign in a very unfavourable mood, and he
was not disappointed ; he therefore prudently
forebore incensing him by an abrupt request,
and instead of bluntly asking him to sign the
instrument, very submissively requested to know
whose name his majesty would have inserted to
fill up the blanks. The king answered in a pas-
sion, the devil's, if you will." — " Very, well," re-
plied the earl; "but would your majesty have
the instrument run in the usual style — Our
trusty and well-beloved cousin and counsellor? "
Themonarch laughed and signed the paper.
1320. — A Country Carpenter having neg-
lected to make a gibbet (which w T as ordered by
the executioner), on the ground that he had not
been paid for the last he had erected, gave so
238 JOE MILLER
much offence, that the next time the judge came
the circuit, he was sent for. " Fellow," said the
judge, in a stern tone, " how came you to neglect
making the gibbet that was ordered on my ac-
count? " — " I humbly beg your pardon," said
the carpenter, " had I known it had been for
your lordship, it would have been done imme-
diately."
1321. — When the Late Lord Paget was
ambassador at Constantinople, he, with the rest
of the gentlemen who were in a public capacity at
the same court, determined on one gala day to
have each of them a dish dressed after the man-
ner of their respective countries, and Lord
Paget, for the honour of England, ordered a
piece of roast beef, and a plum pudding. The
beef was easily cooked, but the court cooks not
knowing how to make a plum pudding, he gave
them a receipt. " So many eggs, so much milk,
so much flour, and a given quantity of raisins ;
to be beaten up together, and boiled for three
hours." When dinner was served up, first came
the French ambassador's dish — then that of the
Spanish ambassador — and next, two fellows
bearing a tremendous pan, and bawling " Room
for the English ambassador's dish." — " By
Jove," cried his lordship, " I forgot the bag,
and these stupid scoundrels have boiled it without
one, — and in five gallons of water too." It was
a noble mess of plum broth.
1322. — At a Violent Opposition Election
for Shrcwsbuhy, in the reign of George I., a half
JOE MILLER 8S9
pay officer, who was a non-resident burgess, was,
with some other voters, broughl down from Lon-
don at the expense of Mr. Kynaston, one of the
candidates. The old campaigner regularly at-
tended and feasted at the houses which were
opened for the electors in Mr. Kynaston's in-
terest, until the last day of the polling, when, to
the astonishment of the party, he gave his vote
to his opponent. For this strange conduct he
was reproached by his quondam companions, and
asked what could have induced him to act so dis-
honourable a part, and become an apostate. " An
apostate," answered the old soldier, " an apos-
tate ! by no means — I made up my mind about
whom I should vote for before I set out upon this
campaign, but I remembered the duke's constant
advice to us when I served with our army in
Flanders, ' Always quarter upon the enemy, my
lads — always quarter upon the enemy.' "
1323. — Swift, while resident on his living of
Larocar, was daily shaved by the village barber,
who at length became a great favourite with him.
Razor, while lathering him one morning, said he
had a great favour to request of his reverence;
that his neighbours had advised him to take the
little public-house at the corner of the church-
yard, which he had done, in the hope that, blend-
ing the profession of publican with his own, he
might gain a better maintenance for his family.
4 * Indeed," said the dean, " and what can I do to
promote this happy union? " — " An please you,"
replied Razor, " some of my customers have
240 JOE MILLER
heard much about your reverence's poetry, so
that if you would but condescend to give me a
smart little touch in that way, to clap under
my sign, it might be the making of me and mine
forever." — " But what do you intend for your
sign? " says the dean. " The Jolly Barber, if
it please your reverence, with a razor in one hand,
and a full pot in the other." — " Well," rejoined
the dean, " in that case there can be no great
difficulty in supplying you with a suitable in-
scription : " so taking up his pen, he instantly
scratched the following couplet, which was
affixed to the sign, and remained so for many
years :
" Rove not from pole to pole, but step in here,
Where nought excels the shaving but the beer."
1324. — The Arm of Dr. Barrow, like his
argument, was powerful, as the following in-
stance of his prowess, humanity, and love of
reasoning, as related by his biographer, will
shew. Being on a visit to a friend in the coun-
try, he rose before daybreak one morning, and
went into the yard. He had scarcely left the
door, when a large English mastiff, left loose to
guard the premises during the night, sprung
upon him. Barrow grappled with the dog,
threw him on the ground, and himself up m him.
In this position he remained, till one of the ser-
vants made his appearance, who instantly called
off the dog, and extricated the doctor from his
perilous situation. " Why didn't you strangle
JOE MILLER 241
him, doctor? " asked the man. — " Because," an-
swered Barrow, " the brute was only doing his
duty: and I thought within myself, as I kept
him under me, if we all did the same, how much
happier the community would be."
1325. — In the Days of Charles II., candi-
dates for holy orders were expected to respond
in Latin, to the various interrogatories put to
them by the bishop or his examining chaplain.
When the celebrated Dr. Isaac Barrow (who was
fellow of Trinity College, and tutor to the im-
mortal Newton) had taken his bachelor's degree,
and disengaged himself from collegiate leading-
strings, he presented himself before the bishop's
chaplain, who with the stiff stern visage of the
times, said to Barrow —
"Quid est fides?" (what is faith?)
"Quod non vides" (what thou dost not see),
answered Barrow with the utmost promptitude.
The chaplain, a little vexed at Barrow's laconic
answer, — continued —
" Quid est spes?" (what is hope?)
"Magna res" (a great thing),
replied the young candidate in the same breath.,
"Quid est cliaritas?" (what is charity?)
was the next question.
"Magna raritas" (a great rarity),
was again the prompt reply of Barrow, blending:
truth and rhyme with a precision that staggered
the reverend examiner; who went direct to the
242 JOE MILLER
bishop and told him that a young Cantab, of
philosophic mien (the faces of reading men in
those days being generally in the likeness of in-
verted isosceles triangles ) , had thought proper to
give rhyming answers to three several moral
questions : and added that he believed his name
was Barrow, of Trinity College, Cambridge:
" Barrow, Barrow ! " said the bishop, who well
knew the literary and moral worth of the young
Cantab. " If that's the case, ask him no more
questions : for he is much better qualified," con-
tinued his lordship, " to examine us than we
him." Barrow received his letters of orders
forthwith.
1326. — A Gentleman of Maudlin College,
whose name was Nott, happening one evening to
be out, was returning late from his friend's rooms
in rather a merry mood, and, withal, not quite
able to preserve his centre of gravity. In his
way he attracted the attention of the proctor,
who demanded his name and college. " I am
Nott of Maudlin," was the reply, hiccupping. —
" Sir," said the proctor, in an angry tone, " I
did not ask of what college you are not, but of
what college you are." — " I am Nott of Maud-
lin," was again the broken reply. The proctor,
enraged at what he considered contumely, in-
sisted on accompanying him to Maudlin, whither
having arrived, he demanded of the porter,
" whether he knew the gentleman." — " Know
him, Sir," said the porter, " yes, it is Mr. Nott,
of this college. v The proctor now perceived his
JOE MILLER 243
error in not understanding the gentleman, and,
laughing heartily at the affair, wished him a
good-night.
1327. — Bishops Sherlock and Hoadly were
both freshmen of the same year, at Catherine
Hall, Cambridge. The classical subject in
which the} r were first lectured, was Tully's Offices,
and it so happened, one morning, that Hoadly
receive^ a compliment from the tutor for the
excellence of his construing. Sherlock, a little
vexed at the preference shown to his rival (for
such they then were), and, thinking to bore
Hoadly by the remark, said, when they left the
lecture-room, " Ben, you made good use of
L'Estrange's translation to-day." — " Why, no,
Tom," retorted Hoadly, " I did not, for I had
not got one ; and I forgot to borrow yours,
which, I am told, is the only one in the college."
1328. — On a Time, a question arose in the
University of Cambridge, between the doctors of
law and the doctors of medicine, as to which
ought to take precedence of the other on public
occasions. It was referred to the Chancellor,
who facetiously inquired whether the thief or the
hangman preceded at an execution, and, being
told that the thief usually took the lead on such
occasions ; " Well, then," he replied, " let doctors
in law have the precedence, and the doctors of
medicine be next rank." This humorous obser-
vation set the point in dispute at rest.
1329. — Milton, the British Homer, and
244 JOE MILLER
prince of modern poets, in his latter days, and
when he was blind (a thing some men do with
their eyes open), married a shrew. The Duke of
Buckingham one day in Milton's hearing, called
her a rose. — " I am no judge of flowers,'' ob-
served Milton, " but it may be so, for I feel the
thorns daily."
1330. — One of the wooden mitres carved by
Grin. Gibbon over a prebend's stall, in the cathe-
dral church of Canterbury, happening to oecome
loose, Jessy White, the surveyor of that edifice,
inquired of the dean whether he should make it
fast — " for, perhaps," said Jessy, " it may fall
on your reverence's head." — " Well ! Jessy, sup-
pose it does," answered the humorous' Cantab,
" suppose it does fall on my head, I don't know
that a mitre falling on my head would hurt it."
1331. — Dr. Craven, late master of St. John's
College, excited the wrath of a waggish student,
by indulging him with an imposition, for some
irregularity of conduct. Sky parlour claimed
the honour of being inhabited by this aspirant to
philosophical fame, when, watching an opportu-
nity, as the venerable master was sunning him-
self beside the college walls, he proceed to dis-
charge the contents of a huge stone jar upon
his devoted head : unfortunately, the jar followed
the water, and was near inflicting on the learned
doctor the fate of Aeschines. Enraged at this,
Dr. Craven issued a summons, commanding the
immediate attendance of the inhabitant of that
room from whence the pitcher had fallen. Upon
JOE MILLER 245
his entrance, the doctor exclaimed, " Young man
— young man, you had nearly killed your poor
old master — you had nearly killed me ; " when
the unabashed culprit, with the most perfect non-
chalance, replied, " I was merely trying some
hydrostatical experiments." — " Hydrostatical
experiments ! " exclaimed the enraged master,
thrown entirely off his guard by the cool answer
of the Johnian, " I'd thank you, young man,
when next you pursue your hydrostatical la-
bours, not to use such a large pitcher."
1332. — Porson was one day conversing in
Latin with a certain learned Theban, from the
sister university, when the latter, wishing to con-
vince the professor that he was better acquainted
with the writings of Cicero than any man living,
affirmed that he had spent thirteen years " in
perlegendo Cicerone; " to which the Greek pro-
fessor, with admirable wit, replied, " And Echo
answered, ove." (Oh, ass!)
1333. — A Cantab., who happened to be under
Sir Busick Harwood, when professor, was en-
joined to live temperately, as a cure for his
malady. The doctor called upon him one day,
and found him enjoying himself over a bottle of
Madeira. — " Ah, doctor ! " exclaimed the pa-
tient, at the same time reaching out his hand to
bid him welcome, " I am glad to see you ; you
are just in time to taste the first bottle of some
prime Madeira ! " — " Ah ! " replied Sir Busick,
" these bottles of Madeira will never do — they
are the cause of all your sufferings ! " — " Are
246 JOE MILLER
they so? " cried the patient, " then fill your
glass, my dear doctor; for, since we know the
cause, the sooner we get rid of it the better."
1334. — Among the best specimens of allitera-
tion, may be ranked the well known lines on the
celebrated Cardinal Wolsey: —
" Begot by butchers, but by bishops bred,
How high his honor holds his haughty head ! "
But the following unpublished sally, by the
erudite Dr. Parr, is not a whit inferior. — In a
company consisting principally of divines, the
conversation naturally turned on the merits of
the late head of the church, who was thus char-
acterized by the learned and eccentric doctor, in
reply to one of the gentlemen : " Sir, he, is a poor
paltry prelate, proud of petty popularity, and
perpetually preaching to petticoats."
1335. — Cambridge Ale, particularly " Au-
dit," has been long celebrated for its inspiring
qualities. A certain Trinitarian, who, though
no barker, is well known among the literati for
his classical acumen, on receiving a present
of Audit, exclaimed: —
"All hail to the ale! It sheds a halo round my head"
1336. — During the time that the erudite Dr.
Bentley was preparing an edition of Homer,
which he had undertaken at the desire of Earl
Grenville, he was accustomed not infrequently to
spend his evenings with that distinguished noble-
man. These congenials, when drinking deep at
JOE MILLER 247
the classic fountain, would sometimes keep it up
to a late hour. One morning, after one of their
mental carousals, the mother of his lordship re-
proached him for keeping the country clergy-
man, as she termed the learned Cantab., till he
was intoxicated. Lord Grenville denied the
charge, — on which the lady replied, he could not
have sung in so ridiculous a manner, if he had
not been in liquor; but the truth was, that the
singing, which appeared so to have annoyed the
noble lady, was no- other than the doctor endeav-
ouring to entertain and instruct Lord Grenville
in the true cantilena or recitative, of the an-
cients.
1337. — At the Sittings of Guildhall, an
action of debt was tried, before Lord Mansfield,
in which the defendant, a merchant of London,
with great warmth, complained of the plaintiff's
conduct, to his lordship, in having caused him to
be arrested, not only in the face of the day, but
in the Royal exchange, and in the face of the
whole assembled credit of the metropolis. The
chief justice stopped him with great composure,
saying, — "Friend, you forget yourself; you
were the defaulter, in refusing to pay a just
debt : and let me give you a piece of advice worth
more to you than the debt and costs: be careful
not to put it in any man's power to arrest you,
either in public or private, for the future."
1338. — Sir Isaac Newton's favourite little
dog, Diamond, having, in his absence, entered
his study, he found it, on his return, diverting
248 JOE MILLER
itself with the remains of some valuable MSS.,
containing the memoranda of many years' la-
borious research, which it had already torn into
a thousand pieces ; but so great a command had
this genius over his temper, that, gathering up
the remnants, he patted the offender on the head,
saying, — " Oh ! Diamond, Diamond, you know
not what mischief you have done ! "
1339. — " The Bishop of London," says Au-
brey, " having cut down a noble cloud of trees at
Fulham, Lord Chancellor Bacon told him, ' he
was a good expounder of dark places.' "
1340. — Dr. Parr once called a clergyman a
fool, who, indeed, was little better. The clergy-
man said, he would complain of this usage to the
bishop. " Do," said the doctor, " and my lord
bishop will confirm you."
1341. — Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of
candles, said he hoped they would be better than
the last. The chandler said he was very sorry
to hear them complained of, as they were as good
as he could make. " Why," says Ralph, " they
were very well till about half burnt down, but
after that they would not burn any longer."
1342. — Piovano Arloto, a buffoon, boasted
that in all his life he never spoke truth. " Ex-
cept," replied another, " at this present mo-
ment."
1343. — Colonel Gtise, going over one cam-
paign to Flanders, observed a young raw officer
who was in the same vessel with him, and with
JOE MILLER 249
his usual humanity told him that he would take
care of him and conduct him to Antwerp, where
they were both going ; which he accordingly did,
and then took leave of him. The young fellow
wps soon told by some arch rogues, whom he hap-
pened to fall in with, that he must signalize him-
self by fighting some man of known courage, or
he would soon be despised in the regiment. The
young man said, he knew no one but Colonel
Guise, and he had received great obligations
from him. It was all one for that, they said, in
these cases ; the colonel was the fittest man in the
world, as everybody knew his bravery. Soon
afterwards, up comes the young officer to Colonel
Guise, as he was walking up and down the coffee-
room, and began in a hesitating manner to tell
him how much obliged he had been to him, and
how sensible he was of his obligations. " Sir,"
replied Col. Guise, " I have done my duty by you
and no more." — " But, Colonel," added the
young officer, faltering, " I am told that I must
fight some gentleman of known courage, and who
has killed several persons, and that nobody." —
" Oh, Sir," interrupted the colonel, " your
friends do me too much honour; but there is a
gentleman " (pointing to a fierce looking black
fellow that was sitting at one of the tables),
" who has killed half of the regiment." So up
goes the officer to him, and tells him he is well
informed of his bravery, and for that reason he
must fight him. " Who, I, Sir? " replied the
gentleman, "Why, I am the apothecary!"
250 JOE MILLER
1344. — At the End of Queen Mary's
Bloody Reign, a commission was granted to one
Dr. Cole, a bigoted papist, to go over to Ireland,
and commence a fiery persecution against the
Protestants of that kingdom. On coming to
Chester, the doctor was waited upon by the
mayor, to whom he shewed his commission with
great triumph, saying, " Here is what shall lash
the heretics of Ireland." Mrs. Edmunds, the
landlady of the inn, hearing these words, when
the doctor went down stairs with the mayor,
hastened into the room, opened the box, took out
the commission, and put a pack of cards in its
place. When the doctor returned, he put his box
into the portmanteau without suspicion, and the
next morning sailed for Dublin. On his arrival,
he waited upon the Lord Lieutenant and Privy
Council, to whom he made a speech relating to
his business, and then presented his box to his
Lordship ; but on opening it there appeared a
pack of cards with the knave of clubs uppermost.
The doctor was petrified, and assured the com-
pany he had a commission, but what was become
of it ho could not tell. The Lord Lieutenant an-
swered, " Let us have another commission, we will
shuffle the cards the meanwhile." Before the doc-
tor could get his commission renewed, the Queen
died, and thus the persecution was prevented.
1345. — When Mr. Penn, a young gentle-
man, well known for his eccentricities, walked
from Hyde Park Corner to Hammersmith, for a
wager of one hundred guineas, with the honour-
JOE MILLER 251
able Butler Danvers, several gentlemen who had
witnessed the contest spoke of it to the Duchess
of Gordon, and added, it was a pity that a man
with so many good qualities as this Penn had,
should be incessantly playing these unaccount-
able pranks. " It is so," said her grace, " but
why don't you advise him better? He seems to
be a pen that everybody cuts, but nobody
mends"
1346. — David Hume and R. B. Sheridan
were crossing the water to Holland, when a high
gale arising, the philosopher seemed under great
apprehension lest he should go to the bottom.
" Why," said his friend, " that will suit your
genius to a tittle; as for my part, I am only for
skimming the surface ! "
1347. — Davenport, a tailor, having set up
his carriage, asked Foote for a motto. " There
js one from Hamlet," said the wit, " that will
match you to a button-hole ; List, list ! oh list ! "
1348. — Lord Bacon says, reading makes a
full man, writing an exact man, and conversation
a ready man.
1349. — Sir Thomas More being asked by an
impertinent author his opinion of a book, Sir
Thomas desired him by all means to put it in
verse, and bring him it again, which no sooner
was done, than Sir Thomas looking upon it, said,
w Yea, now it is somewhat like ; now it is rhyme ;
before it was neither rhyme nor reason."
252 JOE MILLER
Whence the proverb, " It is neither rhyme nor
reason."
1350. — Quin sometimes said things at once
witty and wise. Disputing concerning the exe-
cution of Charles L, " But by what laws," said
his opponent, " was he put to death ? " — " By
all the laws that he had left them."
1351. — As a Lame Country Schoolmaster
was hobbling one day to his school-room, he was
met by a certain nobleman, who asked his name
and vocation. Having declared his name, he
added, " and I am master of this parish ! "
— " Master of this parish ! " observed the peer,
"how can that be?" — "I am master of the
children of the parish," said the man ; " the chil-
dren are masters of their mothers : the mothers
■ are the rulers of the fathers, and consequently
I am master of the whole parish."
1352. — " Pray, Mr. Hopner," said lady
C , " how do you limners contrive to over-
look the ugliness and yet preserve the likeness? "
— " The art, madam," replied he, " may be con-
veyed in two words : where nature has been
severe we soften ; where she has been kind, we
aggravate."
1353. — Lady F had arrived to so ex-
treme a degree of sensibility, that seeing a man
go by with a mutilated wheelbarrow, she cried
out to her companion, " Do turn aside, it dis-
tresses me above measure to see that poor un-
fortunate wheelbarrow with one leg."
JOE MILLER 253
1354. — A Sailor had just returned from the
West Indies, and sitting, half seas over, in a tap-
room at Wapping, saw a crowd on the opposite
side the way ; and, on inquiring the cause, was
told it was a Quaker's funeral. " A funeral,"
says Jack, " that's new to me; when one of our
messmates slips his cable, we hoist him overboard
in a blanket, but I never saw one packed up in a
box and directed before, so I'll reconnoitre him."
Accordingly he followed the crowd to the place
of interment. The funeral ceremony of the
Quakers consists in the mourners ranging them-
selves on one side of the grave, and waiting a
certain time for the inspiration of the spirit.
Having taken their station, Jack reeled to the
other side, and there observed the contortions of
their faces in silent surprise. At length, one of
them, being moved by the spirit, made a long
face, and drawled out, " Alas ! there is no happi-
ness on this side the grave." On which Jack,
whose patience was exhausted, exclaimed,
" Then, d- — n your eyes, come on this side."
1355. — The Late Duchess of Kingston,
who was remarkable for having a very high
sense of her own dignity, being one day detained
in her carriage by a cart of coals that was un-
loading in the street, she leaned with both her
arms upon the door, and asked the fellow, " How
dare you, sirrah, stop a woman of quality in the
street?" — "Woman of quality," replied the
man. " Yes, fellow," rejoined her grace, " don't
you see my arms upon my carriage ? " — " Yes,
254 JOE MILLER
I do, indeed," says he, " and a pair of plaguy
coarse arms they are."
1356. — A Cockney complaining that he had
lost his appetite was advised to eat oysters before
dinner, which would be the means of restoring
it. The next day he met his friend, and up-
braided him with the folly of his prescription,
by stating, " that he had eat one hundred oysters
in the morning, and did not find his appetite a
bit better."
1357. — The Old Lord Stamford taking a
bottle with the parson of the parish, was com-
mending his own wine. " Here, doctor," said he,
" I can send a couple of ho — ho — ho — hounds
to Fra — Fra — France," (for his lordship had a
great impediment in his speech), " and have a
ho — ho — hogshead of wine for 'em. What do
you say to that, doctor?" — "Why, my lord,"
replies the doctor, " I think your lordship has
your wine dog-cheap."
1358. — A Young Orator having written a
speech, which he intended to deliver on a certain
occasion, gave it to a friend to read, and desired
his opinion of it. The friend, after some time,
told the author he had read it over three times:
the first time it appeared very good, the second
indifferent, and the third quite insipid. " That
will do," said the orator, very coolly, " for I
have only to repeat it once."
1359. — An Irish Gentleman, sojourning at
Mitchner's Hotel, Margate, felt much annoyed
JOE MILLER 255
at the smallness of the bottles, considering the
high price of wine. One evening taking his glass
with a friend in the coffee-room, the pompous
owner came in, when the gentleman, after apol-
ogizing to Mitchner, told him, he and his friend
had laid a wager, which he must decide, by tell-
ing him what profession he was bred to. Mitch-
ner, after some hesitation at the question, an-
swered, " that he was bred to the law." —
" Then," said the gentleman, " I have lost, for
I laid that you was bred a packer." — " A packer,
Sir," said Mitchner, swelling like a turkey-cock,
" what could induce you, Sir, to think I was bred
a packer?"— "Why, Sir," said the other, "I
judged so from your wine measures, for I
thought no man but a skilful packer could put a
quart of wine into a pint bottle! "
1360. — A Lady asked an old uncle, who had
been an attorney, but left off business, " what
were the requisites for going to law? " To
which he replied, " Why, niece, it depends upon
a number of circumstances : in the first place, you
must have a good cause ; 2dly, a good attorney ;
3dly, a good counsel ; 4thly, a good evidence ;
5thly, a good jury; 6thly, a good judge; and,
lastly, good luck."
1361. — A Certain Clergyman in the west of
England being at the point of death, a neigh-
bouring brother, who had some interest with his
patron, applied to him for the next presentation ;
upon which the former, who soon after recovered,
upbraided him with a breach of friendship, and
256 JOE MILLER
said, he wanted his death. " No, no, doctor,"
says the other, " you quite mistake : it was your
living I wanted."
1362. — A Gentleman in company complain-
ing that he was very subject to catch cold in his
feet, another, not overloaded with sense, told him
that might easily be prevented, if he would fol-
low his directions. " I always get," said he, " a
thin piece of lead out of an Indian chest, and fit
it to my shoe for this purpose." — " Then, Sir/'
says the former, " you are like a rope-dancer's
pole, you have lead at both ends."
1363. — Pytheas, the daughter of Aristotle,
being asked, " which was the most beautiful
colour," answered, " That of modesty."
1364. — Voltaire, when in London, being at
a great rout with Lord Chesterfield, a lady in
company, very much painted, engrossed his con-
versation. Chesterfield tapped him on the
shoulder, saying, " Take care you are not capti-
vated." — " My lord," replied Voltaire, " I scorn
to be taken by an English bottom under French
colours."
1365. — Lady Carteket, wife of the Lord
Lieutenant of Ireland, in Swift's time, said to
him, " The air of this country is good." — " For
God's sake, madam," says Swift, " don't say so
in England; if you do, they will certainly tax
it."
1366. — King Charles II. was reputed a
great connoisseur in naval architecture. Being
JOE MILLER 257
once at Chatham, to view a ship just finished on
the stocks, he asked the famous Killigrew, " if he
did not think he should make an excellent ship-
wright? " Who pleasantly replied, " he always
thought his Majesty would have done better at
any trade than his own." No favourable compli-
ment, but as true a one, perhaps, as ever was
paid.
1367. — A Fellow having been adjudged, on
a conviction of perjury, to lose his ears; when
the executioner came to put the sentence of the
law in force, he found that he had been already
cropped. The hangman seemed a little sur-
prised. " What," said the criminal, with all the
sang froid imaginable, " am I obliged to furnish
you with ears every time you are pleased to crop
me?"
1368. — Mr. William Burkitt, going one
Sunda}' to church from the lecture-house, met an
old Cambridge friend, who was coming to give
him a call before sermon. After the accustomed
salutations, Burkitt told his friend, that as he
had intended him the favour of a visit, his par-
ishioners would expect the favour of a sermon.
The clergyman excused himself, by saying he
had no sermon with him ; but, on looking at Bur-
kitt's pocket, and perceiving a corner of his
sermon-book, he drew it gently out, and put it
in his own pocket. The gentleman then said with
a smile. " Mr. Burkitt, I will agree to preach for
yon." He did so, and preached Burkitt's ser-
mon. He, however, appeared to great disadvan-
258 JOE MILLER
tage after Burkitt, for he had a voice rough and
untuneful, whereas Burkitt's was remarkably
melodious. " Ah ! " said Burkitt to him archly,
after sermon, as he was approaching him in the
vestry, " you were but half a rogue : you stole
my fiddle, but vou could not steal my fiddle-
stick."
1369. — A Countryman residing between
Arbroath and Montrose was in the practice of
depositing small sums occasionally in the bank
at Arbroath. At last, from some motive which
he deemed prudential, he conceived it might be
as well to make his next deposit in the bank at
Montrose. He accordingly went there, and
handing a certain sum across the counter, in-
quired if they would keep that for him. " O
yes," replied the banker : " What is your name? "
— " What's your business wi' my name, Sir?
Just gi'e me a bit o' paper," said the country-
man, with an indignant air. " We cannot give
a receipt till we know your name and place of
abode," replied the banker. " O'd, you're ower
quisitive fo'k for me ! — Provost of Arbroath
never speers my name, nor yet where I bide: he
just gi'es me a paper at ance. Sae, Sir, either
gi'e me a paper or my siller back again, ony of
them you like." — " Would you let us look at one
of Provost 's papers ? " said the banker.
" O, ay, Sir." A receipt from the bank in Ar-
broath was now produced : in consequence of
which they were enabled to give a proper voucher
for the deposit. " Now, Sir, could ye no dune
JOE MILLER 259
that at first, an' saved yoursel' a' that fasherie? "
said the countryman, putting up his papers with-
out looking at them.
1370. — An English Gentleman travelling
through the Highlands, came to the inn of Letter
Fiiilay, in the braes of Lochaber. He saw no
person near the inn, and knocked at the door.
No answer. He knocked repeatedly with as little
success ; he then opened the door, and walked in.
On looking about, he saw a man lying on a bed,
whom he hailed thus: " Are there any Christians
in this house? " — " No," was the reply, " we are
all Camerons."
1371. — On the Morning of Sir Walter
Raleigh's death he smoked, as usual, his favour-
ite tobacco ; and when they brought him a cup
of excellent sack, being asked how he liked it,
Raleigh answered, " As the fellow that, drinking
of St. Giles's bowl, as he went to Tyburn, said,
' that was good drink if a man might tarry by
it.' ' The day before, in passing from West-
minster-Hall to the Gate-house, his eye had
caught Sir Hugh Bceston in the throng, and
calling on him, requested that he would see him
die to-morrow. Sir Hugh, to secure himself a
seat on the scaffold, had provided himself with
a letter to the sheriff, which was not read at
the time, and Sir Walter found his friend thrust
by, lamenting that he could not get there.
" Farewell," exclaimed Raleigh, " I know not
what shift you will make, but I am sure to have
a place." In going from the prison to the scaf-
£60 Joe miller
fold, among others who were pressing hard to
see him, one old man, whose head was bald, came
very forward, insomuch that Raleigh noticed
him, and asked, " whether he would have aught
of him ? " The old man answered, " Nothing
but to see him, and to pray to God for him."
Raleigh replied, " I thank thee, good friend, and
I am sorry that I have no better thing to return
thee for thy good will." Observing his bald
head, he continued, " but take this nightcap
(which was a very rich wrought one that he
wore), for thou hast more need of it now than
I."— He ascended the scaffold with the same
cheerfulness he had passed to it; and observing
the lords seated at a distance, some at windows,
he requested they would approach him, as he
wished what he had to say they should all wit-
ness. This request was complied with by sev-
eral.
His speech is well known ; but some copies con-
tain matters not in others. When he finished, he
requested Lord Arundel that the king would not
suffer any libels to defame him after death —
" And now I have a long journey to go, and
must take my leave." " He embraced all the
lords and other friends with such courtly compli-
ments, as if he had met them at some feast," says
a letter-writer. Having taken off his gown, he
called to the headsman to shew him the axe,
which not being instantly done, he repeated, " I
prithee let me see it. Dost thou think that I am
afraid of it? " He passed the edge lightly over
JOE MILLER 261
his finger, and smiling, observed to the sheriff,
" This is a sharp medicine, but a sound cure for
a 1 ! diseases," and kissing it, laid it down. An-
other writer has, " This is that, that will cure all
sorrows." After this he went to three several
corners of the scaffold, and kneeling down, de-
sired all the people to pray for him, and recited
a long prayer to himself. When he began to fit
himself for the block, he first laid himself down
to try how the block fitted him ; after rising up,
the executioner kneeled down to ask his forgive-
ness, which Raleigh with an embrace did, but en-
treated him not to strike till he gave a token by
lifting up his hand, " and then, fear not, but
strike home! " When he laid his head down to
receive the stroke, the executioner desired him to
lay his face towards the east. " It was no great
matter which way a man's head stood, so the
heart lay right," said Raleigh ; but these were
not his last words. He was once more to speak
in this world with the same intrepidity he had
lived in it — for, having lain some minutes on the
block in prayer, he gave the signal : but the ex-
ecutioner, either unmindful, or in fear, failed to
strike, and Raleigh, after once or twice putting
forth his hands, was compelled to ask him, " Why
dost thou not strike? Strike, man!" In two
blows he was beheaded ; but from the first, his
body never shrunk from the spot, by any discom-
posure of his posture, which like his mind, was
immoveable.
- 1372. — Erasmus replied to the Pope, who
262 JOE MILLED
blamed him for not keeping Lent, " My mind is
Catholic, but my stomach Protestant."
1373. — Benjamin West, President of the
Royal Academy, when at Rome, lodged opposite
the Irish college ; where he observed, every day,
not only many of the students, but several of the
holy father professors, stumble and reel about on
their entrance, or exit, at the college gates. He
was excited by curiosity to inquire of his hostess
how such irregularities came to be tolerated.
" Ah ! good seignior," answered the matron,
" those holy men are afflicted with the falling
sickness; and it is very surprising, seignior, that
the Almighty seems to have troubled all the gen-
tlemen of that nation with the same disorder."
1374. — Fontenelle, being praised for the
clearness of his style on the deepest subjects,
said : " If I have any merit, it is that I have al-
ways endeavoured to understand myself."
1375. — A Cektain Cit, who had suddenly
risen into wealth by monopolies and contracts,
from a very low condition of life, stood up in
the pit of the opera with his hat on : the Duchess
of Gordon whispered to a lady, " We must for-
give that man : he has so short a time been used
to the luxury of a hat, that he does not know
when to pull it off."
1376. — A Person disputing with Peter Pin-
dar, said, in grca^ heat, that he did not like to be
thought a scoundrel. — " I wish," replied Peter,
JOE MILLER 263
64 that you had as great a dislike to being a
scoundrel."
1377. — A Lady in Calcutta asked Colonel
Ironsides for a mangoe. As he rolled it along
the table, it fell into a plate of kissmists, a kin:;
of grape very common in the East Indies: upon
which Dr. Hunter, a gentleman as eminent for
his wit as for skill in his profession, neatly ob-
served, " How naturally man goes to kiss-miss."
1378. — There was much sound palpable
argument in the speech of a country lad to an
idler, who boasted his ancient family : " So much
the worse for you," said the peasant ; " as we
ploughmen say, the older the seed the worse the
crop."
1379. — A Lady, some time ago, took her
daughter to a boarding-school in the country,
for the purpose of tuition; when, after the first
salutations were over, the matron fixed her eyes
upon some worked picture subjects in the par-
lour, and pointing to one more attractive than
the rest, asked, " What is that? "— " That," re-
plied the tutoress, " is Charlotte at the tomb of
Werter." — " Well, I vow," rejoined the lady,
" it is vastly beautiful. Betsy, my dear, you
shall work Charlotte in a tub of water."
1380. — The Reading Fly, a coach so called,
was one day passing along Fleet-street, when a
Frenchman, lately arrived in London, was look-
ing out at the window of a house opposite the
Bolt-in-Tun coach-office. Seeing this, and hav-
264 JOE MILLER
ing learned to read, and partly to speak our
language, he rushed out in great haste, and run-
ning eagerly into the inn-yard, was asked what
coach he wanted. " Ah ! " said he, — " no coach !
no coach ! — but I vants to hear the Fly read, that
comes in this diligence."
1381. — Ned Shuter, as was often the case,
was reeling home one morning to his lodgings
extremely dirty, and with a remarkably long
beard, when he met Garrick under the Piazza.
" Heavens ! " said David, " Ned, when was you
shaved last ? " — " Shaved last, Davy ! egad, I
can't tell, for my barber has turned gentleman
ever since he has had a thousand pounds in the
lottery."—" But, Ned, ha ! ha ! " replied David,
" I never depend upon barbers — I shave myself
every morning." — " I do not doubt it," resumed
Ned, " or that you preserve the remainder of the
lather for the next day."
1382. — A Cockney Sportsman being out one
day amusing himself with shooting, happened to
fire through a hedge, on the other side of which
was a man, standing or leaning, no matter which.
The shot passed through the man's hat, but
missed the bird. " Did you fire at me, Sir? " he
hastily asked. " O, no, Sir," said the shrewd
sportsman, " I never hit what I fire at."
1383. — Some Persons broke into the stables
belonging to a troop of horse, which was quar-
tered at Carlisle, and wantonly docked the tail
of every horse close to the rump. The captain,
JOE MILLER 265
relating the circumstance next day to a brother
officer, said he was at a loss what to do with the
horses. " I fancy you must dispose of them by
wholesale," was the reply. "Why by whole-
sale? " — " Because you'll certainly find it im-
possible to rc-tail them ! "
1384. — Tom Weston, of facetious memory,
being in a strolling company in Sussex, when the
success was even less than moderate, ran up a bill
of three shillings with his landlord, who, waiting
on the comedian, insisted on his money immedi-
ately : " Make yourself easy, my honest fellow,"
said Weston, " for by the gods, I will pay you
this night in some shape or another." — " See you
do, Master Weston," retorted the landlord sur-
lil} 7 ; " and, d'ye hear, let it be as much in the
shape of three shillings as possible."
1385. — The Celebrated John Wilkes at-
tended a city dinner, not long after his promo-
tion to city honours. Among the guests was a
noisy vulgar deputy, a great glutton, who, on*
his entering the dinner-room, always, with great
deliberation, took off his wig, suspended it on a
pin, and with due solemnity put on a white cot-
ton night-cap. Wilkes, who certainly was a
high-bred man, and never accustomed to similar
exhibitions, could not take his eyes from so
strange and novel a picture. At length the
deputy, with unblushing familiarity, walked up
to Wilkes, and asked him whether he did not
think that his night-cap became him? " O
yes, Sir," replied Wilkes, " but it would look
266 JOE MILLER
much better if it were pulled quite over your
face."
1386. — A Physician in Milan kept a house
for the reception of lunatics, and by way of
cure, used to make his patients stand for a length
of time in a pit of water, some up to the knees,
some to the girdle, and others as high as the chin,
pro modo insaniae, according as they were more
or less affected. An inmate of this establishment,
who happened by chance, to be pretty well re-
covered, was standing at the door of the house,
and seeing a gallant cavalier ride past with a
hawk on his fist, and his spaniels after him, he
must needs ask, " What all these preparations
meant?" The cavalier answered, "To kill
game." — " What may the game be worth which
you kill in the course of a year? " rejoined the
patient. " About five or ten crowns." — " And
what may your horse, dogs, and hawks, stand
you in ! " — " Four hundred crowns more." On
hearing this, the patient, with great earnestness
of manner, bade the cavalier instantly begone,
as he valued his life and welfare ; " for," said
he, " if our master come and find you here, he will
put you into his pit up to the very chin."
1387. — A Gentleman, indisposed, and con-
fined to his bed, sent his servant to see what hour
it was by a sun-dial, which was fastened to a
post in his garden. The servant was an Irish-
man, and being at a loss how to find it, thought
he was to pluck up the post ; which he accord-
ingly did, and carried it to his master, with the
JOE MILLER 267
sun-dial, saying, " Arrah, now look at it your-
self: it is indeed all a mystery to me."
1388. — A Gentleman in the West Indies,
who had frequently promised his friends to leave
off drinking, without their discovering any im-
provement, was one morning called on early by
an intimate friend, who met his negro-boy at
his door — " Well, Sambo," said he, " where is
your master? " — " Massa gone out, sare," was
the reply. " And has he left off drinking yet ? "
rejoined the first. " Oh, yes, sure," said Sambo,
" massa leave oft" drinking — he leave off two-tree
time dis morning."
1389. — An Irishman having been summoned
to the Court of Requests at Guildhall, by an
apothecary, for medicines, was asked by one of
the commissioners what the plaintiff had from
time to time served him with, to which he gave
suitable answers. " And pray," said the com-
missioner, " what was the last thing he served
you with? " — " Why, your honour," replied the
honest Hibernian, " the last thing he served me
with, please you, was the summons ! "
1390. — The Turkish Ambassador happen-
ing to honour the Duke of Newcastle with an
unexpected visit, called at his grace's house at a
time when he was about to shave. Not willing
that so great a personage should be kept a mo-
ment waiting, the duke hastily ran into his ex-
cellency's presence with his chin covered with
lather; upon which the ambassador remarked to
268 JOE MILLER
some one near, that it was no wonder the people
of England should be so happy, as they were
evidently governed by madmen !
1391. — A Lady of high ton complimented the
late King of Prussia so extravagantly, that his
Prussian Majesty was rather distressed at it: she
said, " That he was covered with glory, was the
paragon of Europe, and, in short, the greatest
monarch and man on earth." — " Madam," re-
plied the king, " you are as handsome as an
angel, witty, elegant, and agreeable ; in short,
you possess all the amiable qualities ; but you
paint."
1392. — The Duke of Grammont was the
most adroit and witty courtier of his day. He
entered one day the closet of Cardinal Mazarine
without being announced. His eminence was
amusing himself, by jumping against the wall.
To surprise a Prime Minister in so boyish an oc-
cupation was dangerous ; a less skilful courtier
might have stammered excuses, and retired.
The duke entered briskly, and cried, " I'll bet
you one hundred crowns, that I jump higher
than your eminence ; " and the duke and cardinal
began to jump for their lives. Grammont took
care to jump a few inches lower than the cardi-
nal, and was, six months afterwards, Marshal of
France.
1393. — A Jew came to the Court of King's
Bench to justify bail for 1800Z. ; when, on the
usual questions being asked him,, if he was worth
JOE MILLER 269
1800Z. and all debts paid, he replied, " My lords,
upon my vord, dis a very great shuni : and, as I
am not really vort de half, I vill not justify, my
lords, for it ; but as de attorney here did give me
201. bank-note to justify, vat vod your lordships
have me do vid de monies ? " The Earl of Mans-
field, who seemed struck with the answer, immedi-
ately replied, " You are an honest Jew, and I
would advise you by all means to keep the note ! "
which Mordecai Israel accordingly did; and, as
his lordship was going out of court, the Israelite,
with many bows and scrapes, said, " I humbly
thank your lordship, for you are the first who
ever called me an honest Jew."
1394. — A Publican blowing the froth from
a pot of porter which he was bringing to a cus-
tomer, the gentleman struck him. Boniface
.eagerly asked why he struck him? " Why," re-
plied the gentleman, " I only returned blow for
blow."
1395. — Some school-boys meeting a poor
woman driving asses, one of them said to her,
" Good morning, mother of asses ! " — " Good
morning, my children," was the reply.
1396. — Dr. South, when he resided at Cav-
ersham, in Oxfordshire, was called out of bed
on a cold winter's morning by his clerk, to marry
a couple who were then waiting for him. The
doctor hurried up, and went shivering to church :
but, seeing only an old man of seventy, with a
woman about the same age, and his clerk, he
270 JOE MILLER
asked the latter, in a pet, where the bridegroom
and bride were, and what that man and woman
wanted. The old man replied, that they came
there to be married. The doctor looked sternty
at him, and exclaimed, " Married ! " — " Yes,
married ! " said the old man, hastily ; " better
marry than do worse." — " Go, get you gone, you
silly old fools ! " said the doctor, " get home, and
do your worst." And then hobbled out of church
in a great passion with his clerk, for calling him
out of bed on such a ridiculous errand.
1397. — A Frolicsome Youth, who had been
riding out, on approaching Merton College,
which he had never before visited, alighted, and,
sans ceremonie, put his horse into a field thereto
belonging. Word was immediately sent to him
that he had no right to put his horse there, as
he did not belong himself to the college. The
youth, however, took no notice of his warning,
and the master of that college sent his man to
him, bidding him say, if he continued his horse
there, he would cut off his tail. " Say you so? "
said the wag : " go tell your master, if he cuts
off my horse's tail, I will cut off his ears." The
servant returning, told his master what he said.
Whereupon the master went himself, and in a
great passion, said, " How, now, Sir, what mean
you by that menace you sent me? " — " Sir," said
the other, " I threatened you not, for I only
said, if you cut off my horse's tail, I would cut
off his ears.''''
1398. — On the Day for renewing the licenses
JOE MILLER 271
of the publicans in the West Riding of York-
shire, one of the magistrates said to an old
woman who kept a little alehouse, that he trusted
she did not put any pernicious ingredients into
the liquor ; to which she replied, " There is
naught pernicious put into our barrels but the
exciseman's stick ! "
1399. — Some Soldiers at Chelsea were
bragging of the privations they had often under-
gone; when one of them said, he had slept for
weeks on rough boards, with a wooden pillow ;
the other observed, that was a comfort compared
to what he had endured, having slept night after
night, in Italy, on marble. An Irish fisherman,
who was in company, observed, it was all bother
and nonsense, for he had often slept on a bed of
oysters.
1400. — A Droll Fellow, who got a liveli-
hood by fifldling at fairs and about the country,
was one day met by an acquaintance that had not
seen him a great while, who accosted him thus :
"Bless me! what, are you alive?" — "Why
not? " answered the fiddler; " did you send any-
body to kill me ? " — " No," replies the other,
" but I was told you w r as dead." — " Aye, so it
was reported, it seems," says the fiddler, " but I
knew it was a lie as soon as I heard it."
1401. — Mr. M , the artist, was reading
the paper the other day, while his boy, who has
the daily task of preparing his palette for him,
was rubbing in the various tints ; when the boy
9Sl% JOE MILLER
suddenly stopped, and with an anxious look said,
" Pray, Sir, I have heard so much about it, will
you have the goodness to tell me what is the
Colour o' Morbus? "
1402. — It is Related of the great Dr.
Clarke, that when in one of his leisure hours he
was unbending himself with a few friends in the
most playful and frolicsome manner, he observed
Beau Nash approaching; upon which he sud-
denly stopped; — " My boys (said he), let us be
grave: here comes a fool."
1403. — A Gentleman, stopping one evening
at an inn in the north of England, said to the
maid-servant who waited on him, and who seemed
nearly exhausted with the fatiguing duties of
her situation, " I have no doubt, Sally, but you
enjoy your bed when you get into it." — " In-
deed, no, Sir," she replied ; " for as soon as I
lie down at night, I am fast asleep, and as soon
as I awake in the morning, I am obliged to get
up : so that I have no en j oyment in my bed at
all."
1404. — A Worthy Churchwarden of Can-
terbury, lately excused himself by note from a
dinner party by alleging that he was " engaged
in taking the senses of his parish."
1405. — Daft Willie LAw r was the descend-
ant of an ancient family, nearly related to the
famous John Law, of Lauriston, the celebrated
financier of France. Willie on that account was
often spoken to, and taken notice of by gentle-
JOE MILLER 273
men of distinction. Posting one clay through
Kirkaldy, with more than ordinary speed, he was
met by the late Mr. Oswald, of Dunnikier, who
asked him where he was going in such a hurry.
" Going," says Willie, with apparent surprise,
" I'm gaen to my cousin Lord Elgin's burial." —
" Your cousin Lord Elgin's burial, you fool !
Lord Elgin's not dead," replied Mr. Oswald.
" Ah, deil ma care," quoth Willie, " there's sax
doctors out o' Embro' at 'im, and they'll hae him
dead afore I win forat."
1406. — Dr. Johnson once called upon Mr.
Garrick, in Southampton-street, and was shewn
into his study ; but unfortunately the door being
left open, he strayed into an adjoining room,
which contained all the novels and lighter works,
which had been presented as elegant tributes to
this admired actor. Johnson read first a bit of
one, then another, and threw all down ; so that,
before the host arrived, the floor was strewed
with splendid octavos. Garrick was exceedingly
angry at finding Johnson there ; and said, " it
was a private cabinet, and no company was ad-
mitted there." — " But," says Johnson, " 1 was
determined to examine some of your valuables,
which I find to consist of three sorts, stuff, trash,
and nonsense."
1407. — It does not seem to be generally
known that the studious among the ancient
Greeks were always accustomed to walk into the
fields or gardens with a tablet and stylus sus-
pended by a cord or ribbon from their neck.
274 JOE MILLER
When any new thought or image came over their
mind, their waxen memorandum-book and iron
pencil were ever ready to register it, and prevent
oblivion. Euripides, a man of strong passions
but severe manners, was one day looking intently
upon one of these tablets, in the public gardens,
when a celebrated courtezan, who was passing,
inquired what he saw there to fix his attention
so? " Something," he replied, " more beautiful
than your face."
1408. — The Chancellor Aguesseau wrote
a work on Jurisprudence, in four volumes, in the
quarter of an hour his wife each day kept him
waiting for his dinner.
1409. — When Mr. Justice Park was at
Harrowgate, a year or two ago, he had occasion
to write to town. Before dating his letter, re-
membering that Harrowgate is spelt both with
and without the w, he called the waiter, and, in
his usual hesitating manner, said, " Pray? waiter
— is there — a — w in Harrowgate? " — " Oh,
Sir," said the moral waiter, astounded at such
a query from a grave old gentleman : " Oh, Sir,
we never allow any such doings in this house ! "
1410. — Malhebbe, who prided himself on his
blunt honesty, was one day shewn by a courtier
some poetry, which stated that France moved out
of her place to receive her king. " Now this
must have happened in my lifetime," said Mal-
herbe.: " but upon my word, Sir, I do not recol-
lect it."
JOE MILLER 275
1411. — In one of the sittings of the national
convention, Lanjuinais spoke against arbitrary
arrests. The deputy Legendre, a butcher by
profession, observing him insist upon his argu-
ment, cried out in a menacing tone, and with
fierce gesticulation — " Descend from the tribune,
or I will knock you on the head," Lanjuinais
replied with cool irony — " Cause me to be de-
creed an ox, and you shall knock me on the
head ! "
1412. — I Have a very favourable opinion
(says an old author) of that young gentleman
who is curious in fine mustachios. The time he
employs in adjusting, dressing, and curling
them, is no lost time ; for the more he contem-
plates his mustachios, the more his mind will
cherish, and be animated by, masculine and
courageous notions.
1413. — At One of the Holland-house Sun-
day dinner-parties, a year or two ago, Crock-
ford's Club, then forming, was talked of; and
the noble hostess observed, that the female pas-
sion for diamonds was surely less ruinous than
the rage for play among men. " In short, you
think," said Mr. Rogers, " that clubs are worse
than diamonds." This joke excited a laugh,
and when it had subsided, Sidney Smith wrote
the following impromptu sermonet — most appro-
priately on a card:
" Thoughtless that ' all that's brightest fades,'
Unmindful of that Knave of Spades,
276 JOE MILLER
The Sexton and his Subs':
How foolishly we play our parts !
Our wives on diamonds set their hearts,
We set our hearts on clubs!
1414. — Amasis, a man of humble origin, was
the favourite, and afterwards the successor of
Apries, king of Egypt. Finding himself
somewhat despised by the people on account of
his mean extraction, he hit upon this method of
curing their folly : he caused a golden basin in
which he used to wash his feet, to be converted
into the statue of a god, and had it set up in
a conspicuous part of the capital. The super-
stitious multitude flocked to worship it. Amasis
now told them that the object of their veneration
had once been nothing but a vile utensil ; " and,"
said he, " it is the same with me : I was formerly
a humble individual — I am now your king.
Take care, therefore, to respect me according to
the station I now hold."
1415. — Captain Morris, whose Bacchana-
lian songs are well known, was in his advanced
age compelled to exist on a small income. The
Duke of Norfolk, whose table he had for many
years gladdened, if not graced, was one evening
lamenting very pathetically to John Kemble,
over the fifth bottle, the precarious state of
Charles Morris's income : John did not like at
first to tell the Duke plainly what he, as a
wealthy man, ought to do; but when the sixth
bottle was produced, Kemble arose " like a
tower," and broke out, as Jack Bannister tells
JOE MILLER 277
the story, into a sort of blank-verse speech, into
the numbers of which he always fell, when nearly
drunk. As Bannister relates it, the speech was
as follows, true, as Kemble ever was, to the very
rhythm of Shakspeare :
'• And does your grace sincerely thus regret
The destitute condition of your friend,
With whom you have passed so many pleasant hours?
Your Grace hath spoke of it most movingly.
Is't possible the highest peer o' th' realm,
Amidst the prodigalities of fortune,
Should see the woes which he would not relieve?
The empty breath and vapour of the world,
Of common sentiment, become no man:
How should it then be worthy of your Grace?
But Heaven, Lord Duke, hath placed you in a sphere,
Where the wish to be kind, and being so,
Are the same thing. A small annuity
From your o'erflowing hoards ; a nook of land,
Clipped from the boundless round of your domains,
Would ne'er be felt 'a monstrous cantle out ; '
But you would be repaid with usury ;
Your gold, mv Lord, with prayers of grateful joy;
Your fields would be overflowed with thankful tears,
Ripening the harvest of a grateful heart."
It is almost needless to say what everybody knows
— that the Duke at once granted the prayer of
the actor's petition.
1416. — The Rabbins make the giant Gog or
Magog contemporary with Noah, and convinced
by his preaching. So that he was disposed to
take the benefit of the ark. But here lay the
distress ; it by no means suited his dimensions.
Therefore, as he could not enter in, he contented
himself to ride upon it astride. And though
you must suppose that, in that stormy weather,
278 JOE MILLER
he was more than half boots over, he kept his
seat, and dismounted safely, when the ark
landed on Mount Ararat. Image now to your-
self this illustrious Cavalier mounted on his
hackney: and see if it does not bring before you
the Church, bestrid by some lumpish minister of
state, who turns and winds it at his pleasure.
1417. — The Distinctive Quality of Halle's
character was disinterestedness. Content with
the comforts which his patrimony procured,
he always shewed a marked predeliction for
pauper practice ; and even when his high reputa-
tion had gained him, as it were, in spite of him-
self, a brilliant list of patients, he displayed the
greatest ingenuity in the invention of pretexts
for the refusal of his fees. Not only (as is
indeed the common practice) did he refuse to
accept them from his friends, his professional
brethren, his acquaintance, and his most distant
relations ; he even excluded entire classes from
the number of those from whom he would submit
to receive them. Among these he reckoned ar-
tists, " because," he said, " as the son, the
brother, the nephew of artists, he considered
them all as his relations ; " and ecclesiastics,
" for," said he, " if they are poor, they owe me
nothing; if they are rich, their surplus belongs
to the poor." In a word, he would scarcely ac-
cept of remuneration except from a member of
the privileged classes.
1418. — A Gallant Soldier was once heard
to say, that his only measure of courage was this ;
JOE MILLER 279
" Upon the first fire, I immediately look upon
myself as a dead man ; I then fight out the re-
mainder of the day, as regardless of danger as
a dead man should be. All the limbs which I
carry out of the field I regard as so much gained,
or as so much saved out of the fire."
1419. — A Physician attending a lady several
times, had received a couple of guineas each
visit ; at last, when he was going away, she gave
him but one; at which he was surprised, and
looking on the floor, as if in search of something,
she asked him what he looked for. " I believe,
Madam," said he, " I have dropt a guinea." —
" No, Sir," replied the lady, " it is I that have
dropt it."
1420. — The Persian Musicians appear to
have known the art of moving the passions, and
to have generally directed their music to the
heart. Al Farabi, a philosopher, who died about
the middle of the tenth century, on his return
from the pilgrimage of Mecca, introduced him-
self, though a stranger, at the court of Seifed-
doula, sultan of Syria. Musicians were acci-
dentally performing, and he joined them. The
prince admired him, and wished to hear some-
thing of his own. He drew a composition from
his pocket, and distributing the parts amongst
the band, the first movement threw the prince
and his courtiers into violent laughter ; the next
melted all into tears ; and the last lulled, even the
performers, asleep.
280 JOE MILLER
1421. — When Pallas, the celebrated nat-
uralist, offered his collection of minerals to the
Russian government, he demanded, after calcu-
lating its value, the sum of 10,000 rubles for it.
Catherine herself examined the collection ; and,
taking the letter which M. Pallas had addressed
to the government, wrote on the margin in reply
— " M. Pallas is a learned mineralogist, but a
very bad calculator: we direct that he be paid
20,000 rubles for his collection."
1422. — The Extravagant Compliments
that are considered ordinary civilities by the na-
tives of Hindostan, astonish and puzzle the
European stranger. If totally unacquainted
with oriental manners, he recoils at their out-
rageous adulation, and is sure to regard it as
the most insulting irony. When the late Mar-
quis of Hastings was visited by one of the Rajahs
of the northern provinces, his Lordship inquired
after his health.* "Heavens!" exclaimed the
Rajah, " how can your lordship ask such a ques-
tion : in the presence of so great a man who could
be ill?"
1423. — Though the accounts left us of the
condition of authors in antiquity are very ob-
scure, it is quite clear from many passages, and
especially from one in Martial, that they sold
copies of their works ; but that what we call copy-
right was wholly unknown. The copyists
(librarii) were altogether distinct from the
booksellers (bibliopoles). The following, form-
ing part of the 118th Epigram, is the passage
JOE MILLER 281
referred to : — " Whenever I meet you, Lupercus,
you say to me, l * Allow my slave to call on you
for the purpose of getting your volume of Epi-
grams, and I will return it when I have read it.'
Do not give your slave the trouble, is my reply.
My lodging is at a great distance, and I occupy
the third floor. You will find what you want
much nearer. You go often into the district of
Argiletum. There and near Caesar's place you
will find a shop, the doors of which are covered
with the names of poets ; enter and ask for me,
giving yourself no concern about Atrectus, the
shopkeeper; and from the first or second shelf a
Martial will be handed to you, polished and em-
bellished with purple ornaments, for which he
will demand of you five denarii — ' Eh ! ' you re-
join, ' you are not worth so much.' — Lupercus,
you are right."
1424. — The Fashion of shaving the beard
was first introduced into Greece about the time of
Alexander the Great. It was at first, however,
regarded as a mark of effeminacy, and was only
practiced by low persons and fops. The great
musician Timotheus wore a very long beard ; and
Diogenes one day meeting a man with a smoothly
shaven chin, inquired of him whether he shaved
as a reproach to nature for having made him a
man and not a woman?
1425. — " I Asked the little shabby bare-
footed boy, our guide, (says an American travel-
ler) whether he worked at a wool-manufactory
we were passing, ' No,' said he, rather
m% JOE MILLER
bluntly ; ' I go to school ; my father's a 'squire.'
Thinking I did not hear correctly, I repeated the
question, and received the same answer. ' And
pray what is a 'squire — what does he do? ' —
' Oh, he attends sessions, trials, and hears
causes.' — ' And what may your father do at
other times ? ' — ' He assists Mr. , at the
tavern there, in the bar ! ' "
1426. — Lord Kellie was, like his prototype
Falstaff, not only witty himself, but the cause
of wit in other men. Mr. A. Balfour, the Scot-
tish advocate, and a man of considerable humour,
accompanied by great formality of manners,
happened to be one of a convivial party, when
his lordship was at the head of the table. After
dinner he was asked to sing, but absolutely re-
fused to comply with the pressing solicitation of
the company. At length Lord Kellie told him
that he should not escape; he must either sing a
song, tell a story, or drink a pint bumper. Mr.
B. being an abstemious man, chose rather to tell
a story than incur the forfeit. " One day, (said
he in his pompous manner) a thief in the course
of his rounds saw the door of a church left in-
vitingly open. He walked in, thinking that even
there he might lay hold of something useful.
Having secured the pulpit cloth, he was retreat-
ing, when, lo ! he found the door shut. After
some consideration he adopted the only means
of escape left, namely, to let himself down by the
bell rope. The bell of course rung — the people
were alarmed, and the thief was taken just as
JOE MILLER 283
lie reached the ground. When they were drag-
ging him away, he looked up, and emphatically
addressed the bell, as / now address your lord-
ship, Had it not been, said he, for your long
tongue, and your empty head, I should have
made my escape ! "
1427. — One Day Dean Swift observed a
great rabble assembled before the deanery door,
in Kevin street, and upon inquiring into the
cause of it he was told they were waiting to see
the eclipse. He immediately sent for the beadle
and told him what he should do. Away ran
Davy for his bell, and after ringing it some time
among the crowd, bawled out — " O yes, O yes !
all manner of persons here concerned are desired
to take notice, that it is the dean of St. Patrick's
good will and pleasure, that the eclipse be put off
till this time to-morrow! so God save the King
and his reverence the Dean."— The mob upon
this dispersed, only some Irish wit more shrewd
and cunning than the rest, said with great self-
complacency, that " They would not lose another
afternoon, for that the dean who w r as a very
comical man might take it into his head to put
off the eclipse again, and so make fools of them
a second time."
1428. — During the reign of Toryism a cele-
brated Tobacconist, residing not one hundred
miles from St. James's Street, called upon Lord
E in the way of business. The conversa-
tion taking a political turn, the knight of pig-
284 JOE MILLER
tail and short-cut ventured to make some cutting
remarks on the impolitic measures of the govern-
ment in the exaction of taxes ; the minister at
length getting into a rage which he had not
sufficient strength of mind to dissemble, rose
from his seat and ringing the bell, observed,
" you are a pretty fellow truly to talk to me
in this manner about politics ; go home, Sir, and
grind your snuff." To this tory retort this
small pounder of a cabinet minister, the worthy
tobacconist, coolly yet sarcastically replied —
" Grind my snuff ! — 'Tis better to grind snuff
than grind the people. — The people are at length
getting up to snuff."
1429. — Poor Washee was so pestered with a
Roman Catholic missionary that he consented to
turn Christian. He was duly baptised, and the
priest changed his heathen name of Washee to
that of the apostolic John. One of the duties
imposed on him was to eat no meat but fish on
Friday; which he very much objected to, and
only promised to observe through fear of eternal
punishment. The following Friday however
the priest called on the negro, and found him
busily employed upon a fine rump steak. The
horrified Catholic was commencing a long ser-
mon when master blakee exclaimed, — " Dis no
meat, massa, dis fine fish." — " How — how." —
" I'll tell you — you baptize poor Washee — you
sprinkle water in his face, and say your name
no more Washee — you called henceford John. —
Well, massa, me baptize beef-take — me sprinkle
JOE MILLER 285
water on it — me say, your name no more meat,
you called henceford fish."
1430. — Michael Angelo, the great sculp-
tor and poet, ( for some of his sonnets and other
pieces are extremely grand and beautiful) early
evinced a strong inclination for the art. His
progress was so astonishing that at the age of
fourteen he is said to have rivalled, and even
been able to correct the drawings of his master
Domenico Ghirlaudajo. When he was an old
man one of these drawings being shewn to him,
he modestly said, " In my youth I was a better
artist than I am now." — His quickness of eye was
wonderful, he used to say that a sculptor should
carry his compass in his eye; the hands, indeed,
said he, do the work, but the eye judges. Of his
power of eye he was so certain that having once
ordered a block of marble to be brought to him
he told the stone-cutter to cut away some partic-
ular parts of the marble, and to polish others.
Very soon an exquisite figure starts out from the
block. The stone-cutter looking amazed. — " My
friend," says Michael, " what do you think of it
now? " — " I hardly know what to think of it,"
answered the astonished mechanic, " it is a very
fine figure, to be sure. I have infinite obliga-
tions to you, Sir, for thus making me discover
in myself a talent which I never knew I pos-
sessed." — Angelo, full of great and sublime
ideas of his art, lived very much alone, and never
suffered a day to pass without handling his
chisel, or his pencil. When some person re-
286 JOE MILLER
proached him, with living so melancholy and
solitary a life, he said, " Art is a jealous mis-
tress, she requires possession of the whole heart."
1431. As THE COMMANDEUR DE SlKLERY,
who was ambassador from France to the Pope,
was one day walking with the Venetian ambassa-
dor, in the Square before the beautiful church of
the Giesu at Rome, — (where it appears there is
always air, even in the hottest day of summer)
he said to him — " What an odd thing it is that
there should always be something of a breeze
here, can your excellency account for it? " —
" Perfectly well," replied the Venetian, " upon
a tradition that has long been current in this
city. The devil and the wind were one day walk-
ing together in the streets of Rome, when coming
to the Jesuit's College, in this place, the devil
said to the wind, ' Pray be so good as to stay
here a minute or two, I have a word to say to
these good fathers within.' — The devil, as the
story goes, never returned to his companion, who
has been waiting ever since for him at the door ! "
1432. — A Boy having run away from school
to go to sea, his friends wrote to him, " that
death would be perpetually staring him in the
face ; " to which he replied, " Well, what of that,
every ship is provided with shrouds.'*
1433. — A Facetious Fellow having un-
wittingly offended a conceited puppy, the latter
told him he was no " Gentleman." — " Are you a
Gentleman? " asked the droll one.—" Yes, Sir,"
JOE MILLER 287
bounced the fop. " Then I am very glad / am
not," replied the other.
1434. — Thomas Fuller, the historian, so
well known for his quaint sayings and bright
points, was one day riding with a gentleman
named Sparrowhawk. The name roused his
fancy, and he asked him what was the difference
between "a Sparrowhawk and an owl?" —
" Why, Sir," replied his companion, " the owl is
fuller in the head, fuller in the body, and fuller
all over."
1435. — An Old Spitalfields Weaver a
short time ago returned by one of the Dover
coaches to town, who very much amused his fel-
low travellers by his singular inquiries and droll
remarks. As the coach was descending Chatham
Hill, he discovered, as he stooped to pick up his
gin bottle, that the wheel was locked — in a great
fright, he bawled out, " Coachman ! stop coach-
man ! vy ve don't go on, the veel don't go round."
1436. — Some Caution is requisite in passing
our opinion upon strangers — a caution, however,
which few of us adopt. At a public levee at the
Court of St. James's, a gentleman said to Lord
Chesterfield, " Pray, my Lord, who is that tall
awkward woman yonder? " — " That lady, Sir,"
replied his Lordship, " is my sister! " The gen-
tleman reddened with confusion, and stammered
out, " No — no, my lord — I beg your pardon — I
meant that very ugly woman who 'stands next
to the Queen."— " That lady, Sir," answered
288 JOE MILLER
Lord Chesterfield calmly — " that lady, Sir, is —
my wife! "
1437. — -A Lady meeting a girl who had lately
left her service, inquired — " Well, Mary, where
do you live now? " — " Please, Ma'am, I don't
live no where now," rejoined the girl, " I'm mar-
ried ! "
1438. — Two Bucks, lately sitting over a pint
of wine made up for the deficiency of port b} T
the liveliness of their wit. After many jokes had
passed, one of them took up a nut, and holding
it to his friend, said, " If this nut could speak,
what would it say?" — "Why," rejoined the
other, " it would say, give me none of your jaw."
1439. — Nicolini, the dramatic writer, no less
enthusiastic in his politics than in his poetry,
was librarian to the Grand Duke of Florence.
He requested his discharge. " Why so, Nico-
lini ? " said Ferdinand. " Highness ! my senti-
ments are adverse to the occupation," answered
he, " and I never mount this stair-case but with
abhorrence. Let me plainly say it, I detest the
service of princes ! " The Grand Duke was sur-
prised at language so intemperate ; but, know-
ing that Nicolini was an irreproachable man, and
that nothing was remoter from his character than
ingratitude, he replied, " Well, Nicolini, if you
insist on your discharge, you must have it. I
have nothing to say-, when your conscience and
feelings will not permit you to retain the office."
Within four or five days, his younger brother was
JOE FILLER 289
promoted to the rank of captain ; and, going to
court on the occasion, the Grand Duke asked him
very particularly how the elder did, without the
slightest reference to what had passed, and men-
tioned him as a very worthy man, and one whose
talents did honour to his family and his country.
Soon afterwards, a new place was created for the
republican, more congenial to him, that of lec-
turer to the Academy of Painting and Sculp-
ture. In this manner did Ferdinand treat his
subjects whose sentiments were adverse to his
form of Government. Never has any man ap-
proached so near to a command which no one
has executed, Love those who curse you. Good
nature, patience, forbearance, reconciliation of
one family to another, the reverse of what is as-
sumed for a motto by many rulers, were his daily
practices.
1440. — The Grand Duke (Ferdinand of
Florence) was much occupied in building, and
was often out of doors among the labourers. He
was watching them one day, (for masons, of all
workmen, want watching the most,) when a
bucket- full of rubbish was thrown down, and
covered him from head to foot. Something of
pain was added to his surprise, and, uttering one
exclamation, he hurried toward the palace-door
on the side of the garden. The labourer heard
a voice, and looking down, and seeing a hat on
the ground, covered with mortar, he descended
the ladder from curiosity. Turning his bodv
from it, the first object he beheld was the Grand
290 JOE MILLER
Duke, standing against the wall under the scaf-
folding and wiping his shoulder with his hand-
kerchief. The labourer threw himself on his
knees,- implored forgiveness, — prayed the Vir-
•gin to soften his heart, — could never have sup-
posed that his Highness was below. " It is well
it was I," replied the good man in the midst of
this, and still wiping his shoulder and sleeves ;
" say nothing about it." For he knew that, if
it had happened to a prime minister or a prime
menial, the poor creature of a mason would have
been dismissed. And, perhaps, he suspected it
might happen so; for some days afterwards he
asked, " How many were at work? " and (when it
was told him) " Whether the same number had
been there constantly?" Inquisitive man, how
he idled and trifled ! and at a time when the first
princes and opera dancers in the world were at
the Congress of Vienna, fixing the fate of na-
tions !
1441. — At a Doctor's Shop, a few doors
from Westminster Bridge may be seen written
up, the following notification : — " J. R ,
Surgeon, Apothecary, Accoucheur, and Chemist
to the King"
1442. — " You Find Me Older," observed
Louis XIV. to Pcirre Mignard, the painter, as
he sketched the likeness of the King. " Some
campaigns only, please your Majesty," replied
the skilful artist.
1443. — Hollar, the celebrated engraver,
JOE MILLER 291
died, as he had for the greater part of his life
lived, in the greatest poverty. Within a few
days of his dissolution bailiffs were sent to seize
the bed on which he lay, for a small debt which
he was unable to discharge. " Spare me," said
the expiring artist, " my bed for a little while —
only till I find another in the grave."
1444. — " I Was Charmed," says Lord Ox-
ford, " with the answer of a poor man in Bedlam,
who was insulted by an apprentice, because he
would not tell him why he was confined. The
unhappy creature at last said, ' Because God
Almighty has deprived me of a blessing which
you never had.' "
1445. — A Certain Bishop having recently
conferred a piece of preferment on an able and
amiable divine, resident near London, the gentle-
man wrote to his son, who is at school at
Brighton, announcing the circumstance ; add-
ing, how extremely kind the bishop had been in
giving him a stall ; to which the youth returned
the following answer : " Dear father, I am ex-
tremely glad to hear of your preferment — now
the bishop has given you another stall, perhaps
you will keep another horse."
1146. — Some one seeing a beggar in his shirt,
in winter, as brisk as another muffled up to the
ears in furs, asked him how he could endure to go
so? The man of many wants replied, "Why,
Sir, you go with your face bare ; I am all face."
292 JOE MILLER
A good reply, for a regular beggar, whether
taken in a jocose or a philosophical sense.
1447. — " How do You Find Yourself, Mrs.
Judy? " said a St. Bartholomew's surgeon, after
taking off the arm of an Irish basket-woman —
" How do I find myself? why, without my arm
— how the devil else should I find myself? " was
Mrs. Judy's reply.
1448. — Mr. Justice P , a well-meaning,
but particularly prosing Judge, on one of his
country circuits, had to try a man for stealing a
quantity of copper. In his charge he had fre-
quent occasion to mention the " copper," which
he uniformly called " lead," adding, " I beg
your pardon, gentlemen — copper; but I can't
get the lead out of my head? " At this candid
confession the whole court shouted with laughter.
1449. — Two Scotch Clergymen, who were
not so long-headed as they themselves imagined,
met one day in the turning of a street, and ran
their heads together unawares. The shock was
rather stunning to one of them. He pulled off
his hat, and laying his hand on his forehead,
said, " Sic a thump ! my heed's a' ringing again."
— " Nae wonder," said his companion, " your
heed was aye Boss (empty), that makes it ring;
my heed disna ring a bit." — " Flow could it
ring," said the other, " seeing it is craclcetf
Cracket vessels never ring." Each described the
other to a T.
1450. — At the Middlesex Sessions, a boy
JOE MILLER 293
was called as a witness in a case of assault, and
before he gave evidence, Mr. Const, the Chair-
man, asked him if he knew the nature of an oath.
The boy said he did. " Have you learnt your
Catechism?" inquired the Chairman. "Yes,"
said the boy. " Does not one of the command-
ments forbid you to lie? " — " Yes, Sir," said the
boy. " What are the words of that command-
ment? " asked the Chairman. " Thou shalt not
commit adultery, Sir," answered the boy. The
answer created a roar of laughter in Court.
1451. — Sir William Curtis lately sat near
a gentleman at a civic dinner, who alluded to the
excellence of the knives, adding, " that articles
manufactured from Cast steel were of a very
superior quality, such as razors, forks, &c." —
" Aye," replied the facetious Baronet, " and
soap too — there's no soap like Castile soap."
1452. — A Miller, who attempted to be witty
at the expense of a youth of weak intellects, ac-
costed him with, " John, people say that you are
a fool." To this, John replies, " I don't know
that I am, Sir; I know some things, Sir, and
some things I don't know, Sir." — " Well, John,
what do you know? " — " I know that millers
always have fat hogs, Sir." — " And what don't
you know? " — " I don't know whose corn they
eat, Sir."
1453.— The Late Cecil, of St. John's, Bed-
ford-row, was, as is well known, a shrewd ob-
server of men and manners. One day he met, in
294 JOE MILLER
the course of his walks, an Italian with a box
of plaster medals. They were superior even to
Bani's best. Cecil, who was also a man of some
taste in the fine arts, appreciated them at once,
and told the artist that he might soon make a
fortune by his casts. The poor fellow could not
make bread by them. Cecil was amazed, and
asked, if he had exhibited them properly? " Ah,
Sair," said the Italian, " dere is no getting on
here vitout a monkey and a feedle." Cecil did
not forget this. Being some time after, at a
Committee of ways and means in behalf of a
Humane Institution, the funds of which were de-
clining, one member said, " We must have a
popular preacher to the Chapel of the Institu-
tion, or we shall not get on." Another said,
" We must have a new organ, too, or we shall not
get on." — " True," said Cecil, " as the Italian
said, there is no getting on here without a
monkey and fiddle." He then told his story,
which, by the way, cuts wider and deeper than he
seems to have discerned at the time.
1454. — When Dr. Ehrenberg (the Prus-
sian traveller) was in Egypt, he said to a peasant,
" I suppose you are quite happy now ; the coun-
try looks like a garden, and every village has its
minaret." — " God is great ! " replied the peas-
ant ; " our master gives with one hand and takes
with two."
1455. — Franz Hayman was a dull dog.
When he buried his wife, a friend asked him why
he expended so much money on her funeral?
JOE MILLER 295
" Ah, Sir ! " replied he, " she would have done as
much, or more, for me, with pleasure."
1456. — A Gentleman travelling through
France during summer, ordered his servant to
wake him at six o'clock in the morning. Wher
at that hour the man entered the bed-room, hie
master inquired, " what sort of weather is it? "
The sleepy servant drew open what, in the dark,
appeared to him a window-shutter, and replied,
" Monsieur, il ne fait point de terns; et il sent
le fromage — Sir, there is no weather at all; and
it smells of cheese." He had opened a waiter's
store cupboard.
1457. — Diogenes once said to Aristippus,
" If you could eat cabbages, you would not have
to pay your court to the great ; " to which Aris-
tippus replied, " If you could pay your court to
the great, you would not have to eat cabbages."
1458. — " Before I Begin to Drink, my
business is over for the day." — " My business is
over for the day when I begin to drink."
1459. — A Witty Poet, no longer living,
being one day brought up to Bow-street for some
nocturnal squabble, the following dialogue took
place between him and the presiding magistrate :
" How do you live, Sir? " — " Pretty well, Sir,
generally a joint and pudding at dinner." — " I
mean, Sir, how do you get your bread? " — " I
beg your worship's pardon ; sometimes at the
baker's and sometimes at the chandler's shop ! "
" You may be as witty as you please, Sir," re-
296 JOE MILLER
torted the magistrate, " but I mean simply to ask
you how you do? " — " Tolerably well, I thank
your worship, I hope your worship is well ! "
1460. — A Prudent Poet, about the begin-
ning of the civil, or rather uncivil troubles of
men of his kidney in England's rebellious days,
was asked as he lay on his death-bed, how he
would be buried? " With my face downward,
for in a while this England will be turned upside
down, and then I shall be right."
1461. — In Shakspeare we find a very whim-
sical portrait of the character of Graziano in the
Merchant of Venice, by his friend Bassanio ; such
as would have made an excellent motto for the
title page of Boswell's Life of Johnson, and
ought to have been prefixed to every edition.
Nothing could more happily apply to the char-
acter of the biographer : — " Graziano speaks an
infinite deal of nothing, more than any man in
all Venice : his reasons are as two grains of wheat
hid in two bushels of chaff ! you shall seek all day
e'er you find them ; and when you have them they
are not worth the search." The learned and
facetious Lord Monboddo was once conversing
on this last topic : " I have lived," said his lord-
ship, " to see my country humbled in arts, and
humbled in arms; but I never expected to have
seen Scotland humbled to the admiration of Dr.
Samuel Johnson."
1462. — It Was Once Inquired, " Why men
sooner gave to poor people, than to poets and
JOE .MILLER 297
scholars." — " It is," said one, " because they
think they may sooner come to be poor than
either poets or scholars."
1463. — The Characters of Nations are
sometimes observable in their modes of saluting.
In some of the southern provinces of China they
say, " Ya faaf — Have you eaten your rice? "
their content depending upon a sufficiency of that
article. The Dutch, being great eaters, have a
morning salutation of, " Smaakelyk eeten? —
May you eat a hearty dinner? " — and another
arising out of their early nautical habits, " Hae
vaart nwe? — How do you sail? " The usual sal-
utation at Cairo is, " How do you sweat? " a dry
hot skin being indicative of ephemeral fever. A
proud stiff Spaniard says, " Come esta? — How
do you stand? " while the levity of the French-
man appears, " How do you carry yourself? "
1464. — In an Old Drama on the subject of
the Deluge, Noah summons his wife into the ark,
and on her refusing to come in, swears at her by
John the Baptist.
1465. — In a Debate upon some projected im-
provement of the streets of Edinburgh, the Dean
of Faculty wittily said that the forwardness of
the clergy, and the backwardness of the medical
faculty had spoiled the finest street in Europe,
alluding to the projection of the colonnade of
St. Andrew's church on St. George's street, and
the recession of the medical hall.
1466- — At the New Tivoli at Paris, some
298 JOE MILLER
experiments have been made upon a Spaniard for
the purpose, we presume, of ascertaining what
degree of heat it takes to bake a man alive. A
person named Martinez, about forty -three years
of age, was put into a cylindrical oven, which
had been heated four hours by a very powerful
fire. Here he remained fourteen minutes, with
a fowl roasting by his side. When put in again,
he ate the fowl and drank a bottle of wine. At
the third experiment, he was stretched upon a
plank stuck round with lighted candles, but had
remained only five minutes, when the horrified
spectators drew him out alive and merry amidst
the suffocating fumes of the melted tallow.
1467. — Illicit Traffic is carried on to a
great extent in the department of the Rhine by
dogs educated for that purpose. In the district
of the Sarreguemines alone, from March 1827 to
March in the year 1829, 58,277 dogs crossed the
Rhine on this unlawful pursuit. Of these, 2477
lost their lives in the adventure ; but the remain-
ing 55,800 got clear off with their spoil, bark-
ing a hoarse laugh at the custom-house officers.
It is supposed that they carried with them
140,000 kilogrammes of contraband goods.
1468. — Louis XVI. was an excellent lock-
smith : Ferdinand the Beloved is famous for his
embroidery of petticoats. The present Emperor
of Austria is said to make the best sealing-wax in
Europe. He examines, with care, the seal of
every letter brought him, and is delighted when
he can say, as he generally does, " My own wax
JOE MILLER 299
is better than that ! " It is a pity that the em-
ployments of kings are not always as innocent.
Ferdinand would have no doubt made an excel-
lent linen-draper's shopman, had he been placed
where nature designed him to be fixed ; and the
representative of the Caesars would have made an
excellent managing clerk in the house of certain
wholesale stationers.
1469. — " Lord Eldon should leave all his
property to endow a madhouse," said Jekyll to
Lord R. Seymour, in talking of the late discus-
sions respecting the law of the insane. " A mad-
house? " said Lord Robert; " why so? "— " His
lordship gained his fortune by those who were
mad enough to go into Chancery ; it would only
be an act of restitution, if he were to leave it to
Bedlam."
1470. — " Why, you have never opened your
mouth this session," said Sir Thomas Lethbridge
to Mr. Gye. " I beg your pardon, Sir Thomas,"
replied Mr. Gye ; " your speeches have made me
open it very frequently. My jaws have ached
with yawning."
1471. — Peter the Great was jealous to
fury. He once broke to pieces a fine Venetian
glass in one of his frenzies, saying to his wife,
" You see it needed but one blow of my arm to
make this glass return to the dust whence it
came ! " Catherine answered with her natural
gentleness and sweetness, " You have destroyed
300 JOE MILLER
the finest ornament in your palace ; do you think
you have made it more splendid? "
1472. — A Circumstance lately happened at
Amherst Island, which shews that nil desperan-
dum is a good rule in the most desperate circum-
stances. A tiger breaking into a shed, in which
a colt and a pony were sheltered, killed the
former. The pony then attacked the tiger, and
pummelled him so heartily with his heels about
the head and ribs, that he knocked out some of
the monster's teeth, and all his courage, for he
had just strength enough to crawl to a nullah
hard by, where he was found by the natives
shortly afterwards, as he appeared so much
bruised that he could hardly move. They ac-
cordingly fell upon him, and killed him with
bludgeons. Previous to this, five horses had been
killed near the spot.
1473. — Bonaparte, on being applied to
against the exorbitant contributions levied by
General Massena, said, " If I had two Massenas
I would hang the one as an example to the
other." — " Then hang General Secchj, who is as
bad as Massena." — " I am sorry, gentlemen, that
you should have fixed on two men I cannot at
this moment dispense with; but if you can point
out any other less exorbitant, I'll have him
hanged immediately."
1474. — The Two Brothers Fosadoni lived
at Venice. The Abbe was a man of great lit-
erary knowledge, and a distinguished poet. On
JOE MILLER 301
their father's death they divided between them
the patrimonial property. One entered into
commercial speculations, and thereby very much
increased his funds ; the Abbe, of a far more gen-
erous disposition than his brother, was little
calculated to follow his example ; but instead
of accumulating his wealth, by his benevo-
lence, which was always prone to assist the
poor, and mitigate the general wants of
suffering humanity, and by the encouragement
he afforded, in particular, to those of his
own profession, he was soon reduced to the
necessity of calling on his brother for assistance ;
whereupon his brother replied, " Foreseeing the
result of all your literary pursuits, I have laid
aside eight hundred ducats for your funeral ex-
penses, when it may please God to call you into
his good keeping, that you should not disgrace
the family name in being buried by the parish,"
to which the Abbe Fosadoni replied, " Send me
half that sum now while I am living, and at my
death I will give you a receipt in full of all de-
mands, for value received."
1475. — Lord Alvanley is not only a wit
among lords, but a lord among wits. He has all
the piquancy of Brummel's dialogue, combined
with a suavity of manner peculiarly his own. On
one occasion Lord Alvanley had promised a per-
son 1001. as a bribe, to conceal something which
would have involved the reputation of a lady.
On that person's application for the money, his
Lordship wrote a check for 25Z. and presented it
302 JOE MILLER
to him. " But, my Lord, you promised me
100Z." " True," said his Lordship, « I did so;
but you know, Mr. , that I am now making
arrangements with all my creditors at 5s. in the
pound. Now you must see, Mr. , that if I
were to pay you at a higher rate than I pay them,
I should be doing my creditors an injustice!"
1476. — When Lord Alvaneey was staying
at Lord Cowper's, a box with the Royal Arms
on it arrived, and, when opened, was found to
contain four pineapples, the magnificent gift of
the generous Prince Leopold. " I wonder," said
Lady Cowper, " that the Prince should send us
pines ; there are plenty of pines here ; besides,
though we have seen him, we don't know him." —
" Oh, depend on it," said Lord Alvanley, " he
wants to spend a month at Pensangar; he'll be
down soon after his pines : so, if you want to pre-
vent him, send him up in return four rabbits:
they are as rare in town as pines here ! "
1477. — The Founder of the Sforza Fam-
ily, and father of Francesco, the first Duke of
Milan, who died, about 1465, was a peasant, and
following his labour, when he was invited by his
companions to follow the army. He did not
draw lots whether he should go or not, but threw
his spade into an oak, declaring, that if it fell
to the ground he would continue his labours ; but
if it hung in the tree he would try his fortune
as a soldier. Some bit of a branch intercepted
its fall, and gave a father to a long line of
princes, the most splendid sovereigns of Italy.
JOE MILLER 303
1478. — When Brummell was the great
oracle on coats, the Duke of Leinster was very
anxious to bespeak the approbation of the " Em-
peror of the Dandies " for a " cut," which he
had just patronized. The Duke, in the course
of his eulogy on his Schneider, had frequently
occasion to use the words " my coat." — " Your
coat, my dear fellow," said Brummell : " what
coat? " — " Why this coat," said Leinster; " this
coat that I have on." Brummell, after regard-
ing the vestment with an air of infinite scorn,
walked up to the duke, and taking the collar be-
tween his finger and thumb, as if fearful of con-
tamination — " What, duke, do you call that
thing a coat? "
1479. — During the short time that Lord By-
ron was in parliament, a petition, setting forth
the wretched condition of the Irish peasantry,
was one evening presented, and very coldly re-
ceived by the " hereditary legislative wisdom."
" Ah," said Lord B}^ron, " what a misfortune it
was for the Irish that they w T ere not born black !
They would then have had plenty of friends in
both houses."
1480. — It was an excellent reply made to a
lady of notorious character, by a virtuous
Frenchman, when she tried to seduce him to the
commission of a dishonourable act — " Infamie,
Madame, is of the feminine gender."
1481. — When " Rob Roy " first appeared, a
party was made at Mr. John Wilson's house at
304 JOE MILLER
Elleray, to read it. Mr. Wordsworth was in-
vited, among others, to the party ; and, as a spe-
cial inducement to go, he was informed that the
illustrious author had chosen the motto for his
novel from his name-sake poem, " Rob Roy."
The verbose and venerable Laker accordingly
went ; and when the volumes were laid on the
table, he eagerly turned to the title-page, where
he read —
" For why? because the good old rule
Sufficeth them — the simple plan
That they should take who have the power,
And they should keep who can."
" Ladies and gentlemen," quoth the author of
the " Excursion," and other universally-read
poems, " you see this motto : it is from a poem
of mine, — the volume containing which I have
brought in my pocket ; and lest you should not
understand the novel for want of knowing thor-
oughly my poem, I mean to read my verses to
you." He accordingly began- 5 —
" A famous man was Robin Hood," &c.
and went on to the conclusion, not even omitting
a comma, and then putting the vivacious tome
into his pocket again, he said, " Ladies and gen-
tlemen, I leave you to your novel," and walked
home !
1482. — General O'Hara, who was taken
prisoner by Buonaparte at Toulon, in his first
military achievement, and who was a man of
sound sense, said of the future Emperor, " I do
JOE MILLER 305
not know what that young man's future fortunes
may be ; but all the questions he put to me, were
such as Locke would have written down for a
prime pupil to ask."
1483. — At the Close of an Election at
Lewes, the late Duke of Newcastle was so de-
lighted with the conduct of a casting voter, that
he almost fell upon his neck and kissed him.
" My dear friend ! I love you dearly. You're
the greatest man in the world. I long to serve
you. What can I do for you? " — " May it
please your grace, an exciseman of this town is
very old : I would beg leave to succeed him as soon
as he shall die." — " Aye, that you shall, with all
my heart. I wish, for your sake, he were dead
and buried now. As soon as he is, set out to
me, my dear friend ; be it night or day, insist
upon seeing me, sleeping or waking. If I am
not at Claremont, come to Lincoln's-inn-fields ;
if I am not at Lincoln's-inn-fields, come to court ;
if I am not at court, never rest till you find me ;
not the sanctum sanctorum, or any place, shall
be kept sacred from such a dear, worthy, good
soul as you are. Nay, I'll give orders for you
to be admitted, though the king and I were talk-
ing secrets together in the cabinet." The voter
swallowed evei^thing with extasy, and scraping
down to the very ground, retired to wait in faith
for the death of the exciseman. The latter took
his leave of this wicked world in the following
winter. As soon as ever the duke's friend was
apprised of it, he set off for London, and reached
306 JOE MILLER
Lincoln's-inn-fields by about two o'clock in the
morning. The King of Spain had, about this
time, been seized by a disorder, which some of
the English had been induced to believe, from
particular expresses, he could not possibly sur-
vive. Amongst these, the noble duke was the
most credulous, and probably the most anxious.
On the very first moment of receiving his intelli-
gence, he had dispatched couriers to Madrid, who
were commanded to return with unusual haste
as soon as ever the death of his Catholic majesty
should have been announced. Ignorant of the
hour in which they might arrive, and impatient
of the fate of every hour, the duke would not
retire to his rest till he had given the strictest
orders to his attendants to send any person to his
chamber who should desire an admittance.
When the voter asked if he was at home, he was
answered by the porter, " Yes ; his grace has
been in bed some time, but we were directed to
awaken him as soon as ever you came." — " Ah,
God bless him ! I know thst the duke always told
me I should be welcome by night or by day.
Pray, shew me up." The happy visitor was
scarcely conducted to the door, when he rushed
into the room, and in the transport of his joy
he cried out, " My lord, he is dead ! "— " That's
well, my dear friend ! I'm glad of it, with all
my soul. When did he die? " — " The morning
before last, and please your grace." — " What,
so lately ? Why, my worthy, good creature, you
must have flown. The lightning itself could not
JOE MILLER 307
travel half so fast as you. Tell me, you best
cf men, how shall I reward you? " " All I wish
for in this world is, that your grace would please
to remember your kind promise, and appoint me
to succeed him." — " You, you blockhead ! — you
King of Spain ! What family pretensions can
you have? Let's look at you." By this time the
astonished duke threw back the curtains, and
recollected the face of his electioneering friend ;
but it was seen with rage and disappointment.
To have robbed him of his rest, might easily
have been forgiven ; but to have fed him with a
groundless supposition that the King of Spain
was dead, became a matter of resentment. He
was at first dismissed with all the violence of
anger and refusal. At length the victim of his
passion became an object of his mirth; and when
he felt the ridicule that marked the incident, he
raised the candidate for monarchy into a post,
which, from the colour of the present times, may
seem at least as honourable — he made him an
exciseman.
1484. — In the Year 1775, Sir Joshua Rey-
nolds painted a portrait of his friend, Dr. John-
son, which represented him as reading, and
near-sighted. When the doctor saw it, he re-
proved Sir Joshua for painting him in that
manner and attitude, saying, " It is not friendly
to hand down to posterity the imperfections of
any man." But, on the contrary, Sir Joshua
himself esteemed it as a circumstance in nature
to be remarked as characterizing the person rep-
308 JOE MILLER
resented, and therefore as giving additional
value to the portrait. On this circumstance
Mrs. Thrale observed to Johnson, " That he
would not be known by posterity for his defects
only, therefore Sir Joshua might do his worst."
And when she adverted to Sir Joshua's own pic-
ture, painted with the ear-trumpet, and done in
the same year, the doctor replied, " Lie may
paint himself as deaf as he chooses ; but I will not
be blinking Sam in the eyes of posterity."
1485. — At Calcutta, the Indians, from see-
ing the steamboat stemming wind, tide, and cur-
rent, have called it Sheitaun Koonoo, the devil's
boat. An intelligent Persian Syyud, wishing to
compliment our national ingenuity, thus ex-
pressed himself : — " When arts were in their in-
fancy, it was natural to give the devil credit for
any new invention ; but now, so advanced are the
English in every kind of improvement, that they
are more than a match for the devil him-
self!"
1486. — A Country Clergyman, who, on
Sunday, is more indebted to his manuscript than
his memory, called unceremoniously at a cot-
tage, whilst its possessor, a pious parishioner,
was engaged in perusing a paragraph of the
writings of an inspired prophet. " Weel, John,"
familiarly inquired the clerical visitant, " what's
this you are about? " — " I am prophesying,"
was the prompt reply. " Prophesying ! " ex-
claimed the astounded divine, " I doubt you are
only reading a prophecy." — " Weel," argued
JOE MILLER 309
the religious rustic, " gif reading a preachin' be
preachin', is na reading a prophecy prophesy-
ing? "
1487. — An Uninformed Irishman, hearing
the sphinx alluded to in company, whispered to
a friend, " Sphinx! who's he now? " — " A mon-
ster man." — " Oh, a Munster-man! I thought he
was from Connaught,' 5 replied the Irishman, de-
termined not to seem totally unacquainted with
the family.
1488. — When Dr. Johnson was in the island
of Mull, one of the Hebrides, he visited the Laird
of Loch Buy, who, according to the usual custom
among the Highlanders, demanded the name of
his guest ; and upon being informed that it was
Johnson, inquired, " Which of the Johnsons? of
Glencoc or Ardnamurchan ? " — " Neither ! " re-
plied the doctor, somewhat piqued by the ques-
tion, and not a little sulky with the fatigue he
had encountered during the day's journev.
" Neither! " rejoined the Laird, with all the
native roughness of a genuine Highlander,
" then you must be a bastard! "
1489. — Some time after Louis XIV. had
collated the celebrated Bossuet to the Bishopric
of Meaux, he asked the citizens how they liked
their new bishop. " Why, your majesty, we like
him pretty well." — " Prettv well ! why what
fault have you to find with him?"— "To tell
your majesty the truth, we should have preferred
having a bishop who had finished his education ;
310 JOE MILLER
for whenever we wait upon him, we are told that
he is at his studies."
1490. — Previous to a late general election,
two candidates for a northern county met in a
ball-room. "Why do you sit still?" said a
friend to one of them, " whilst your opponent
is tripping it so assiduously with the electors'
wives and daughters ? " The aspirant for par-
liamentary fame replied, " I have no objection
to his dancing for the county, if I am allowed
to sit for it."
1491. — " I Live in Julia's Eyes," said an
affected dandy in Column's hearing. " I don't
wonder at it," replied George ; " since I ob-
served she had a sty in them when I saw her
last."
1492. — Whilst the regiment was in
India, a sergeant obtained an ensign's commis-
sion in the corps. Thinking that ease of man-
ner was requisite to prove him qualified for his
new situation, on joining the officers after the
first parade which he attended, he began to talk
very loud and in such a manner as to provoke
some unpleasant remark from an old brevet-
major, who had known him long as a sergeant;
upon which our hero observed, that he did not
like such language, and that he was as good a
gentleman as the major. " You should be bet-
ter, Sir," said the major, " for things spoil by
keeping, and you were last made."
1493. — Two Gentlemen having wagered
JOE MILLER 311
upon the number of characteristic specimens of
native brilliancy they should encounter in a rural
excursion, one of them thus addressed a stone-
breaker on the road : — " My good fellow, were
the devil to come now, which of us two would
he carry away? " — After a little hesitation, that
savoured of unexpected dulness, the man mod-
estly lifting up his eyes from his work, answered,
" Me, Sir." Annoyed by the stolidity of this
reply, the querist pressed him for a reason : —
!< Because, your honour, he would be glad of the
opportunit}' to catch myself — he could have you
at any time."
1494. — As Sheridan was on a canvassing
visit at Stafford, he met in the streets one of his
old voters, a simple but substantial burgess, with
whom he had formerly had some dealings of a
pecuniary nature. This man accosted him as
follows : — " Well, Maister Sheridan, I be main
glad to see you. How be ye, eh?" — "Why,
thank you, my friend, very well. I hope you
and your family are well," replied the candidate.
" Ay, ay," answered the elector, " they are
prett} r nobbling; — but they tell me, Maister
Sheridan, as how you are trying to get a par-
lumentary reform. Do ye think ye shall get
it? "— " Why, yes," said Sheridan, " I hope so."
— -" And so do I," replied his constituent, " for
then you'll be able to pay off the old election
scores, shan't, ye? "
1495. — When the Eare of Bradford was
brought before the Lord Chancellor, to be exam-
312 JOE MILLER
ined upon application for a statute of lunacy
against him, the chancellor asked him, " How
many legs has a sheep? " — " Does your lordship
mean, " answered lord Bradford, " a live sheep
or a dead sheep? " — " Is it not the same thing? "
said the chancellor. " No, my lord," said lord
Bradford, " there is much difference ; a live
sheep may have four legs ; a dead sheep has only
two : the two fore legs are shoulders ; but there
are but two legs of mutton."
1496. — A Pekson who was famous for ar-
riving just at dinner-time, upon going to a
friend's (where he was a frequent visitor), was
asked by the lady of the house if he would do as
they did. On his replying he should be happy
to have the pleasure, she replied, " Dine at home
then. 99 — He, of course, had received his quietus
for some time at least.
1497. — As a Worthy City Baronet was
gazing one evening at the gas lights in front of
the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up
to him and said, " Well, Sir William, are you
studying astronomy? " — " No, Sir," replied the
alderman, " I am studying gastronomy." His
friend looked astonished, and the baronet replied,
"Do vou doubt my voracity?" — " No, Sir
William."
1498. — The Duke de Mayenne had been
sent to Spain to ask the hand of the princess,
Anne of Austria. When he took leave of her,
he asked her commands for the king. " Assure
JOE MILLER 313
him," said the infanta, " that I am quite impa-
tient to see him." — " Ah, madam," said the
gouvernante, the countess de Altamira, " what
will the king of France think, when the duke
informs him that you are so eager to be mar-
ried? " — "Have you not taught me," returned
the infanta sharply, " that I must always speak
the truth?"
1499. — Upon the recovery of George III.
in 1789, the librarian and others connected with
Sion college, were at a loss what device or motto
to select for the illumination of the building;
when the following happy choice was made by a
worthy divine, from the book of Psalms : — " Sion
heard of it and was glad."
1500. — After a Hot Debate, in the course
of which Ireton had let fall some very rude ex-
pressions respecting Denzil Hollis, the latter de-
sired that he would walk out with him, and then
told him, " that he insisted on his crossing the
water immediately to fight him." Ireton re-
plied, " that his conscience would not suffer him
to fight a duel." Hollis, greatly incensed,
pulled him by the nose, observing, that " since
his conscience prevented him from giving men
satisfaction, it ought to keep him from provok-
ing them."
1501. — Curran had a perfect horror of fleas ;
nor was this very extraordinary, since those ver-
min seemed to shew him peculiar hostility. If
they infested a house, he said, that " they always
314 JOE MILLER
flocked to his bed-chamber, when they heard he
was to sleep there ! " — At Carlo w he was once
dreadfully annoyed in this way, and on making
his complaint in the morning to the woman of the
house ; " By heavens ! madam," cried he, " they
were in such numbers, and seized upon my car-
case with so much ferocity, that if they had been
unanimous, and all pulled one way, they must
have dragged me out of bed entirely."
150&. — At one of those large convivial parties
which distinguished the table of Major Hobart,
when he was secretary in Ireland, amongst the
usual loyal toasts, " The wooden walls of Eng-
land ! " being given, — Sir John Hamilton in his
turn gave " The wooden walls of Ireland ! "
The toast being quite new, he was asked for an
explanation; upon which, filling a bumper, he
very gravely stood up, and, bowing to the Mar-
quis of Waterford and several country gentle-
men, who commanded county regiments, he said,
— " My lords and gentlemen, I have the pleasure
of giving you the wooden walls of Ireland — the
colonels of militia! "
1503. — When it was Debated about send-
ing bishops to America, much was said pro and
con. One gentleman wondered that anybody
should object to it: " For my part," said he, " I
wish all our bishops were sent to America."
1504. — Sir Thomas More for a long time
having only daughters, his wife prayed ear-
nestly that they might have a boy ; at last they
JOE MILLER 315
had a boy, who, when he grew up, proved but
simple. " Thou pray'dst so long for a boy," said
Sir Thomas to his wife, " that at last thou hast
got one who will be a boy as long as he lives."
1505. — A Sailor who had served on board the
Romney, with Sir Home Popham, after return-
ing home from India, finding that wigs were all
in fashion, bespoke a red one, which he sported
at Portsmouth, to the great surprise of his com-
panions. On being asked the cause of the
change of colour in his hair, he said it was
occasioned by his bathing in the Red Sea.
1506. — An Emperor of China, making a
progress, discovered a family, in which the mas-
ter, with his wives, children, grand-children,
daughters-in-law, and servants, all lived in per-
fect peace and harmony. The Emperor, admir-
ing this, inquired of the old man what means he
employed to preserve quiet among such a num-
ber of persons. The man, taking out a pencil,
wrote only these words : — " Patience, patience,
patience."
1507. — The Count de Grance being
wounded in the knee with a musket ball, the sur-
geons made many incisions. At last, losing
patience, he asked them why they treated him so
unmercifully? " We seek for the ball," said
they. " Why the devil did you not speak be-
fore? " said the Count, " I have it in my
pocket."
1508. — A Regiment of Horse in King Will-
316 JOE MILLER
iam's time, being quartered in Canterbury, and
the archbishop being then there, he invited all
the officers of the regiment to dinner. One of
the cornets being obliged to keep guard that
day, and lamenting his misfortune, that he could
not have the honour to dine with the archbishop,
bethought himself of this stratagem. Lie knew
that one of his brother cornets was gone out of
town, and would not return till evening; he de-
termined therefore, to wait for him at his lodg-
ings, and frighten him by a false message from
the archbishop. Accordingly when his comrade
arrived, he addressed him thus : — " Tom, I be-
lieve I shall surprise you." — " Why," says
Tom, "what the devil's the matter?""— " No
great matter," says his comrade, ''only the
archbishop has sent for all the officers to hear
them their catechism." — " The devil he has,"
quoth Tom, " then I am ruined horse and
foot, for as I am a sinner I can't say three
lines." — " Never be troubled about that," says
his comrade, " I can say mine every word,
and if you will mount guard for me to-mor-
morrow, I will go in your place." — " With all
my heart," says Tom, " and thank you to boot ; "
so the next day they all, except Tom, dined with
the archbishop. His lordship being a very
polite man, told the colonel, that lie hoped all his
officers were there ; for he intended it as a general
invitation. The colonel told him they were all
there, except one gentleman who was obliged to
mount guard. The archbishop took no notice of
JOE MILLER 317
it then, but the next day sent his servant to the
absent gentleman, to desire his company by him-
self. Tom had no sooner received the message,
than he ran frightened out of his senses to his
comrade to make his complaint. " Ah, my
friend," says Tom, " it is all in vain, I must go
at last, the archbishop has sent for me." —
" Never mind it," says his comrade, " you will
do very well ; he did not ask us above one ques-
tion or two." Tom being thus prepared went
to the archbishop where he was introduced into
a parlour. At length his lordship came in.
" Sir," says the archbishop, " I am sorry I
could not have the pleasure of your company
yesterday ; may I crave your najne ? " —
" Thomas, my lord," replied the cornet. " What
countryman? " says the archbishop. " My god-
fathers and godmothers," replied the cornet. " I
do not mean to catechise you," says the arch-
bishop, and thus the cheat was discovered.
1509.— A Man of the name of Mark Noble,
passing by the garrison at Hull, the sentinel, as
usual, called out, "Who comes there?" —
" Twenty shillings," answered Mark. " That
cannot be," said the sentinel. " Why, a mark
and a noble make twenty shillings," said Mark.
1510. — The Captain of a West Indiaman
wished to buy a horse. After the purchase was
made, the captain said, " Well, now the horse is
mine, pray tell me candidly, whether he has any
faults, and what they are." — " What do you
mean to do with him? " said the other. " Why,
318 JOE MILLER
to take him to sea," answered the captain.
" Then I will be candid," replied the dealer ; " he
may go very well at sea ; but on land he cannot
go at all, or I would not have sold him."
1511. — A Sailor being strongly solicited by
a catholic priest to change his religion, the honest
tar boldly resisted. The holy father finding
that he could not prevail, altered his mode of
attack, and offered him money as a reward of his
apostacy; the bribe rather staggered Jack's
faith, and he desired to consider of it till next
morning. In the interim he applied to a brother
tar for advice, which was given him in the fol-
lowing style of blunt honesty : " Don't listen to
him, messmate, for if your religion was not bet-
ter than his own, and all the money he will give
you into the bargain, he'll be d 'd before he
would ask you to change."
1512. — When the Celebrated Duellist,
G. R. Fitzgerald, was in Paris, the English am-
bassador introduced him to the French king;
prior to which introduction the ambassador in-
formed his majesty, Mr. Fitzgerald was a gentle-
man of such amazing prowess, that he had
fought thirty duels, and behaved equally brave
and honourable in them all. " Then, I think,"
says the king, with a smile, " this gentleman's
life would make an admirable appendix to your
renowned countryman's history of Jack the
Giant Killer."
1513. — A Boy who had not returned after the
JOE MILLER 319
holidays to Winchester school, which the master
charged him to do, returned at last loaded with
a fine ham, as a bribe to the master, who took the
ham, but flogged the lad, and told him, that he
might give his compliments to his mother for the
ham, but assured him it should not save his
bacon.
1514. — Dr. Pearce, the dean of Ely, when
he was master of the Temple, having to preach
there one morning, preferred a walk in the gar-
dens to sitting in the church while the prayers
were reading, and going to the gardener's lodge,
demanded entrance. An old woman, who was
keeping the house in the gardener's absence, told
him the gates were always locked in church time,
and she could not let him in. " Woman, do you
know who I am? " said the doctor, bridling.
" No," said she, with great indifference, " I
don't know, and what's more, I don't care." —
" Woman," retorted the doctor, in a rage, " open
the gates instantly — I am master of the Tem-
ple." — " The more shame for you," replied the
inflexible portress, " the more shame for you to
be walking here, when you ought to be praying
at church."
1515. — An Irishman telling what he called
an excellent story, a gentleman observed, he had
met with it in a book published many years ago.
" Confound these ancients," said Teague, " they
are always stealing one's good thoughts."
1516. — Cardinal Mazarine was wont to say
320 JOE MILLER
there were great bull dogs in England, called
Whigs and Tories, that were continually jarring
and worrying each other ; but let out the bull,
(the common enemy,) they directly left off their
private feuds and animosities, and attacked him.
1517.— Louis the Fourteenth, of France,
playing at backgammon, had a doubtful throw ;
a dispute arose, and all the courtiers remained
silent. The Count de Grammont came in that
instant. " Decide the matter," said the King to
him. " Sire," said the Count, " your Majesty
is in the wrong." — " How so," replied the King;
" can you decide without knowing the ques-
tion? " — " Yes," said the Count, " because, had
the matter been doubtful, all these gentlemen
present would have given it to }^our majesty."
1518. — Lord Morton, having waited very
long in the duke of Northumberland's anti-cham-
ber before he could see his grace, was quite out
of patience. The duke at last came to him, and
finding him with Dr. Garnet's Dissertation upon
Jcb in his hands, asked him what he thought of
it. " I think," said lord Morton, " it is a very
proper book for a prime minister's anti-
chamber."
1519. — A Nobleman, who had spent most of
his estate, had just sold a manor of an hundred
tenements, and came to court in a rich suit.
" Am not I a mighty man," said he, " that bear
an hundred houses on my back." — " You had
better have paid your debts," said Cardinal Wol-
JOE MILLER 321
sey, whose father was a butcher. " True, my
lord," said he, " my father owed yours throe-
halfpence for a calve's head, here is two-pence
for it."
1520. — Notwithstanding the perpetual con-
tention between Rich and Garrick for the favour
of the town, they lived upon very friendly terms.
Rich had improved his house at Covent Garden
and made it capable of holding more. Garrick
went with him to see it, and asked him in the
theatrical phrase, how much money it would hold.
" Sir," said Rich, " that question I am at present
unable to answer, but were you to appear one
night on my stage, I should be able to tell you to
the utmost shilling."
1521. — A Very Volatile Young Lord,
whose conquests in the female world were number-
less, at last married. " Now, my lord," said the
countess, " I hope you'll mend." — " Madam,"
says he, " you may depend on it this is my last
folly."
1522. — A Mullah preaching one day in a
Persian mosque, strongly insisted on the exam-
ination which the deceased have to undergo from
the angels of death, Nekyr and Monkyr, as soon
as they are deposited in the tomb. " Don't be-
lieve a word of it," cried one of the congrega-
tion, " for one of my slaves died a few days
since ; I filled his mouth with rice, and on digg;inq
him up again to-day, the rice was just as I left
it. Now it is morally impossible for a man to
322 JOE MILLER
give answers even to angels with his mouth
full."
1523. — A Chinese Teaches was in the habit
of sleeping in the day-time, but would not suffer
his pupil to nod for a moment. One day the
pupil accosted him after his nap, in a complain-
ing tone, and begged to know why he might not
sleep too. " Boy ! " says the tutor, " in my
sleep, I dream of Cheu-kung, and have converse
with him ! " The next morning, the pupil takes
pattern by his master. The master giving him a
rap, and rousing him, exclaims, " For shame !
how can you do so? " Says the pupil, / too have
been seeing Cheu-Kung." — " And what did
Cheu-kung say to you?" — "Cheu-kung" re-
plies the pupil, " tells me that yesterday he had
no communication whatever with my reverend
master."
1524. — Lord Muegrave, who once went on
a voyage to the North Pole, appears to have been
distinguished by a singularity of physical con-
formation — possessing two distinct voices ; the
one strong and hoarse, the other shrill and quer-
ulous ; of both of which organs he occasionally
availed himself. So extraordinary a circumstance,
probably, gave rise to a story of his having
fallen into a ditch in a dark night, and, calling
for aid in his shrill voice, a countryman coming
up, was about to have assisted him ; but Lord
Mulgrave, addressing him in a hoarse tone, the
peasant immediately exclaimed, " Oh, if there
JOE MILLER 323
are two of you in the ditch, you may help each
other out of it ! "
1525. — Mr. Pope, was with Sir Godfrey
Kneller one day, when his nephew, a Guinea
trader came in : " Nephew," said Sir Godfrey,
" you have the honour of seeing the two great-
est men in the world." — " I don't know how great
you may be," said the Guineaman, " but I don't
like your looks, I have often bought a man much
better than both of you together, all muscle and
bone, for ten guineas."
1526. — A Captain of a Merchant Vessel,
named M'Carthy, had a scuffle with a wood-
ranger at Verdun ; the latter complained to Gen-
eral Wirion, who commanded the depot, that
M'Carthy had ill-treated him, knocking him
down every time he attempted to rise. " Mon
ami," said the general to him, " when an English-
man knocks you down, never do you get up until
he is gone away."
1527. — The Late Lord Chancellor, in one
of his shooting excursions at Wareham, in Dor-
setshire, unexpectedly came across a person who
was sporting over his land without leave. His
lordship inquired if the stranger was aware he
was trespassing, or if he knew to whom the estate
belonged ? " What's that to you ? " was the re-
ply. " I suppose 3'ou are one of Old Bags'
Keepers. " — " No," replied his lordship, " your
supposition is a wrong one, my friend, for I am
Old Bags himself."
324 JOE MILLER
1528. — When George II. was once express-
ing his admiration of General Wolfe, some one
observed that the general was mad. " Oh ! he is
mad, is he ! " said the king with great quickness,
" then I wish he would bite some other of my
generals."
1529. — A Bishop, upon his visitation, found
a curate of the diocese so ignorant, that he knew
not how to say the mass. The bishop enraged,
asked him, " Who was the ass of a bishop that
gave you ordination ? " — " Your most illustrious
lordship," replied the curate, with a humble
reverence.
1530. — In the Reign of Queen Anne, Cap-
tain Hardy, whose ship was stationed at Lagos
bay, received information of the arrival of the
Spanish Galleons, under convoy of seventeen men
of war, in the harbour of Vigo ; without any war-
rant for so doing, he immediately set sail, and
communicated his intelligence to Sir George
Rooke, then commanding in the Mediterranean.
The admiral instantly steered for Vigo, and took
or destroyed the whole Spanish fleet. When the
fight was over, Sir George sent for Captain
Hardy, and thus addressed him, " You have
done, Sir, a very important piece of service to
the throne; you have added to the honours and
riches of your country, by your indefatigable
diligence ; but don't you know that you are liable
at this instant to be shot, for quitting your sta-
tion? " — " He is unworthy of bearing a com-
mission under her Majesty," replied the Cap-
JOE MILLER 325
tain, " who holds his life as aught, when the
glory and interest of his queen and country re-
quire him to hazard it." At this heroic answer,
he was dispatched home with the first news of the
victory, and letters of recommendation to the
Queen, who instantly knighted him, and after-
wards made him a rear-admiral.
1531.- — The Battle of Sempach, in 1386,
between the Swiss and the Austrians, was decided
by one heroic deed. Arnold Struthan de Wink-
elried, a knight of Underwalden, burst suddenly
from the ranks. " I will open a passage," he
cried, " into the enemy's line. Provide for my
wife and children, dear countrymen and con-
federates ; honour my race ! " He threw himself
instantly on the enemy's pikes, grasped as many
of them as he could reach, buried them in his
bosom, and being tall and large of limb, bore
them to the ground as he fell. His companions
rushed over his body; the whole army of con-
federates followed, and their close files pene-
trated with irresistible force. The enemy struck
with amazement, fell one over another in en-
deavouring to avoid their shock , and the pres-
sure, heat, and confusion thus produced proved
fatal to many knights who died without a wound,
stifled by the weight of their armour.
1532. — A Late Sicilian Traveller gives
an anecdote to prove that the bigoted Catholics
in that country bee;in to entertain favourable
opinions cf the English. A priest hearing a
Sicilian woman sr~- that one of the officers, who
S%6 JOE MILLER
happened to pass by, finely dressed,
to hell for all his lace," rebuked her, and added,
" as for the Turks they certainly go to hell, but
nobody knows where the English go to! "
1533. — The Fogs of England have been at
all times the complaint of foreigners. Gondomar,
the Spanish ambassador, when some one who was
going to Spain waited on- him to know if he had
any commands, replied, " Only my compliments
to the sun, whom I have not seen since I came to
England." — Carraccioli, the Neapolitan min-
ister, used to say, that the only ripe fruit he had
seen in England were roasted apples.
1534. — Negroes are apt to steal, but are so
very credulous, they are easily detected. Captain
Young, of Grenada, gave a black butcher, of the
name of Caff ee, a hog to kill ; when the Captain
went to see it, Caffee said, " Dis very fine hog,
massa, but I never see a hog like him in all my
life, he have no liver, no lights." — " That is
very strange, Caffee," said the Captain, " let me
see the book." He took a memorandum book
out of his pocket, turned over the leaves, and
looked very earnest. — " I see Caffee go to hell
bottom — hog have liver and lights." Caffee
shook like an aspen leaf, and said, " O massa,
Caffee no go to hell bottom — hog have liver and
lights."
1535. — The Old Method of catching larks
was to put salt on their tails. — The following is
from a provincial paper : — " Many hundreds of
JOE MILLER 327
larks, during the late frost, were taken alive in
the neighbourhood of Arundel, their tails being
frozen to the snow"
1536. — A Negro in the West Indies having
carried a letter from his master to a neighbour
ing planter, fell asleep on the floor, while the
latter. was preparing an answer. When it was
finished, he desired that the negro might be
awakened ; but this was no easy matter. The
negro who attempted to rouse him, exclaimed,
" You no hear massa call you? " — " Sleep ! " re-
plied the poor fellow, " sleep hab no massa."
1537. — A Few Years Ago, a ship came into
harbour, at Chatham, to be paid off. One of the
sailors being ashore, prevailed on a young woman
of Rochester to accept of him as a husband, and
previous to returning to his ship, left money
with a friend to pay for publishing the banns,
and all other incidental matrimonial expenses.
The marriage was to take place on the fourth
Sunday following, and on the preceding Satur-
day the honest tar asked leave of his Captain to
go on shore, which was peremptorily refused.
Jack remonstrated — " Captain," exclaimed he,
" I am going to be married to-morrow." The
Captain told Jack that the business of the ship
in his department was most urgent, and posi-
tively forbade him going on shore. Unwilling
to disappoint the girl and lose his money, Jack
wisely determined to marry her by proxy, and
proposed to Will Treadaway, his messmate, to
undertake that kind office : " And you, Will,"
328 JOE MILLER
said he, " stay with her ashore, and when the
gangway is cleared from stem to stern, I will
come to you." Will goes on shore, and inform-
ing the girl of his friend's situation and pro-
posal, she instantly consented, and was actually
married to Will as the proxy of Jack ; nor did
the minister discover the mistake till Will wrote
his name in the book, Treadaway instead of
Salmon. The clerk cried out, " Why, you are
not the man asked to church with this woman? "
To which the honest tar replied, first devoting
his eyes and limbs to confirm the fact, " I came
.here to prevent my messmate being cheated,
and I only marry the girl for Jack Salmon, my
messmate, till he comes on shore." — Three days
afterwards Jack came on shore, when he re-
ceived his spouse from the hands of his proxy,
and lived in as much peace and tranquillity, as
if he had originally tied the matrimonial knot
in propria persona.
1538. — An Irish Labourer bought a pair of
shoes, and at the same time asked the shoemaker
if he could tell him what would prevent them
going down on the sides? The shoemaker said,
the only way to prevent that was to change them
every morning. Pat accordingly returned the
following morning, called for a pair of shoes,
fitted them on, left the pair he bought the day
before, and was walking out of the shop without
further notice, when the shoemaker called to him
to know what he was doing, telling him at the
same time, that he had forgotten to pay for the
JOE MILLER 829
shoes he had just bought. " And is it what I am
doing, you ask? am not I doing what you told
me yesterday, changing my shoes every morn-
ing-"
1589. — A Divine in Kent, seldom in church,
but a rigid justice of the peace, having a va-
grant brought before him, said surily, " I shall
teach you law, I warrant you." — " It would be
much more becoming," answered the fellow, " if
you would teach me the gospel.'"
1540. — Sir Charles F received a seri-
ous fall one day, in stepping into his cabriolet. —
"Whereabouts were you hurt, Sir Charles?"
said Sir Peter L ; " was it near the verte-
brae? " — " No, no," answered the Baronet, " it
was near the Monument ! "
1541. — Mention being made in the presence
of Louis XL of an unlearned person, who had
got a fine library of books ; the king said, " He
resembles a hump-back person, who carries a
burden on his back which he cannot see."
1542. — Diogenes, the cynic, coming once to
a very small, inconsiderable town, with very
large and magnificent gates, told the inhabitants
" to shut their gates, lest the town should run
out."
1543. — Lons XIV. observing two courtiers
riding full speed one after the other; the fore-
most with an uncommon big chin, the hindmost
with scarce any at all ; the king; asked whither
they were driving at such speed? M. de Cler-
330 JOE MILLER
ambaut replied: " The hindmost is in pursuit of
the foremost, to recover his stolen chin."
154*4. — Deyden's Wife complained to him
that he was always reading, and took little notice
of her : " I wish," said she, " I was a book, and
then I should enjoy more of your company." —
" Yes, my dear," replied Dryden, " I wish you
w T ere a book — but an Almanack I mean, for then
I should change you every year."
1545. — A Dutch Ambassador, entertaining
the king of Siam with an account of Holland,
after which his majesty was very inquisitive,
amongst other things told him, that water in his
country would sometimes get so hard, that men
walked upon it ; and that it would bear an ele-
phant with the utmost ease. To which the king
replied, " Hitherto I have believed the strange
things you have told me, because I looked upon
vou as a sober, fair man ; but now / am sure you
lie."
1546. — A Long Ride had one day sharpened
the edge of Dr. Johnson's appetite, during his
tour in Scotland, and his friend, Mr. Boswell,
pushed forward to the next inn (as was his usual
custom) to provide for the lion. The hostess and
her family were instantly on the alert ; and when
Dr. Johnson arrived at the inn-door he was con-
gratulated by Boswell with an assurance of a
good dinner — " A fine leg of roast mutton, Doc-
tor, and a pudding." — " Very well, Bozzy, very
well," replied the Doctor, " I hope it will soon
JOE MILLER 331
be ready — I am very hungry." — Boswcll assured
him it would. But the dinner not appearing so
soon as Johnson anticipated, the cravings of
hunger urged him into the kitchen, to ascertain
the real state of their promised repast. — He
presently returned to the parlour, and with a
grave countenance informed his friend Boswell
that he was very sorry he could not partake of
the roast leg of mutton which he had so kindly
provided, having made a vow to eat no meat on
that day. — " Doctor," exclaimed Boswell, in
great surprise, " do lay aside your scruples for
once. Your vow, I am sure, is of very little con-
sequence, as you seem not to have thought of it
until this moment. The mutton is fine mutton.
Do not deprive yourself of the pleasure of eating
it."—" Dear Boswell," replied the Doctor, " I
am very sorry — but I dare not break my vow —
I cannot eat of the mutton — and must, therefore,
be satisfied with the puddmg." — Further remon-
strance Boswell found was in vain, and concluded
by hoping that the pudding would yield him
satisfaction. — Dinner was at last served up, and
Boswell commenced a furious attack upon the
roasted joint, while his philosophic and scru-
pulous companion calmly enjoyed the pudding.
When the keenness of his appetite was somewhat
allayed b}' the deep impressions he had made
upon the mutton, Boswell began to eulogise his
dinner; but this excited from his companion,
who kept his eye fixed on his plate, only a sig-
nificant smile. — " Why do you smile, Doctor ? "
332 JOE MILLER
inquired Boswell. " At nothing in particular,"
was the reply ; but it was accompanied with a
chuckle, which raised a suspicion in his mind
that all was not right. — Throwing down his
knife and fork, he eagerly pressed the Doctor for
an explanation, whcse chuckle had now increased
to a loud laugh. " Well, Bozzy, I will tell you,"
cried he ; " when I went inta the kitchen to in-
quire into the state of our dinner, I saw the boy,
who now stands behind your chair, turning the
spit, and at the same time scratching his head
over the mutton." — Starting from his seat, as if
struck by a galvanic battery, Boswell seized the
unfortunate crlprit by the collar; exclaiming,
" Where is your cap, you young rascal? — what
have you done with the cap you had on when I
came to the house? — why did you take it off? —
why did you not keep it on while roasting the
mutton?" — "Please, Sir," blubbered out the
terrified boy, " Please, Sir, — my mother — took
it off my head — to make — the pudding in, for
the gentleman? "
THE end
INDEX
B
Abernethy, Dr., 715, 723,
724, 1151
Actors, 77, 170, 275, 280, 382,
512, 551. 570, 589. 6n, 659,
703- 753, 970. 1014, 1025,
1096, 1242, 1384
Actresses, 463
Aldermen, 164,378,451, 998,
1040, 1188
Ambassadors, see Diplo-
mats
Americans, 1, 452, 464, 599,
765. 95i, 978, 1018, 1033,
1 191, 1250
Amner, 233, 234
Animals, 168, 277. 999, 1139
Antigonus, 286
Aristotle, 227
Arch-Bishops, see Bishops
Army-Officers, 27, 34, 71, 81,
102, 133, 154, 155, 171, 176,
188, 202, 241, 256, 259, 295,
303. 333. 336, 358, 360, 403,
457, 476, 524, 59 2 , 598, 610,
642, 651, 712. 725, 736, 748,
768, 775, 851, 889, goo, 936,
948, 986, 989, 1049, 1060,
1093, 1105, 1137, 1140, 1162,
1199, 1222, 1224, 1270, 1292,
1310, 1322, 1343, 1383, 1492,
1502, 1508
Attorneys, see Lawyers
Authors, see Writers
Bacon, Sir Nicholas, 251
Bacon, Lord, 218, 238, 924,
1339, 1348
Beggars, 419
Bonaparte, 67, 295
Bishops, 115, 168, 205, 250,
277, 284, 357, 449, 542, 545,
873, 893, 912, 1007, 1034,
1156, 1201, 1209, 1259, 1269,
'327, 1503
Blake, Paddy, 200
Bolivar, 202
Brides, and Groom, 78, 156,
219
Brummell, Beau, 1478
Burgess, Daniel, 1026
Burke, 630, 1061, 1220, 1311
Butler, Sir Toby, 298
Button, Daniel, 119
Byron, Lord, 52, 53, 54, 55,
57, 58, 60, 621, 1479
Boy, see Juvenile
Canadian, 583
Carpenter, 126
Cato, 153
Children, see Young Peo-
ple
Clare, Lord Chancellor, 314,
3i5, 631
333
334
INDEX
Clergymen, q, n, 20, 38, 51,
65, 84, 93, 104, 115, 158,
207, 208, 209, 230, 236, 239,
243, 262, 277, 351, 369, 437,
4G2, 473, 477, 643, 674, 675,
766, 811, 966, 967, 988, 1087,
1108, 1113, 1155, 1 194, 1202,
1208, 1223, 1234, 1255, 1293,
1294, 1325, 1330, 1333, 1334,
1336, 1357, 1361, 1368, 1404,
1449, 1465, i486, 1499, 1514,
1539
Chemists, 299
Collegians, see Scholars
Coleridge, 707
Countrymen, 84, 95, 101, 124,
128, 129, 145, 151, 211, 231,
250, 253, 260, 321, 371, 393,
435, 466,467, 645, 704, 897,
957. 963, 1015, 1098, 1142,
1143, 1190, 1196, 1230, 1233,
1369, 1378, 1454, 1524
Courtiers, 87, 140, 141, 203,
222, 251, 1161, 1392, 1410,
1543
Coxcombs, 228, 229, 434, 505
Cromwell, Oliver, 137, 814,
1215
Curran, 7, 53, 315, 680, 1041,
1059, 1501
Davey, Sergeant, 23
Diogenes, 99, 812, 865, 1424,
1457, 1542
Diplomats, 224, 245, 780, 781,
788, 872, 894, 905, 1065,
1115, 1186, 1321, 1390, 1431,
1533
Doctors, see Physicians
Diunken Fellows, 48, 221,
244, 394, 407
Dryc^en, John, mi
Dutciimen, 241,
E
English, 44, 59, 62, 76, 86,
116, 118, 121, 122, 178, 293,
297. 307,355. 368,430, 749,
779, 993. 1036, 1054, 1058,
1086, 1112, 1135, 1138, 1147,
1 1 57, 1216, 1225, 1226, 1266,
1304, 1318, 1356, 1358, 1362,
1382, 1385, 1394, 1428, 1451,
1470, 1490, 1497, 1500, 1540
Erskine, Harry, 697, 701,
790, 834, 933, 1001, 1019,
1212
Fops, 90, 220, 307, 474, 1433,
1491
Foote, 1150, 1198, 1267, 1347
Fox, Charles James, 497,
870, 977, 1085
Frenchmen, Famous, 64, 282,
717, 915, 1022, 1039, 1048,
1133, 1189, 1283, 1287,
1290, 1303 , 1374, 1380,
1408, 1411, 1456, 1480, 1526
Garrick, David, 6, 628, 953,
982, 1074, 1126, 1381, 1520
Goldsmith, Dr. Oliver, 487,
593. 943
Grecians, 847, 1002, 1235,
1243, 1407
H
Hamilton, Sir John Stuart,
288, 289, 290, 291
Hangmen, 432, 513
Highwaymen, 330, 408, 562,
1175
Hogarth, William, 804
INDEX
335
Holt, Lord Chief Justice,
26
Horse Traders, 157
Hume, David, 733, 750, 1346
I
Illicit Traffic, 1467
Irishmen, Famous, 4, 10, 14,
17, 18, ig, 20, 22, 24, 29,
31, 32, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43,
46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 74, 159,
166, 179, 186, 191, 192, 193,
194, 195, 196, 197, 200, 287,
292, 294, 301, 306, 313, 317,
320, 329, 334, 335. 339. 340,
344. 340, 426, 427, 428, 429,
43i. 453, 455, 460, 479. 487,
489, 490, 493, 506, 526, 527,
528, 530. 533. 534. 536. 537,
539. 54i, 587. 681, 716, 718,
727, 734, 854,891,9^4, 1030,
1050, 1055, 1168, 1173, 1197,
1217,1308,1309,1314,1359,
1389, 1405, 1487, 1515, 1538
Isocrates, 264
Italians, 236, 259, 662, 841,
1167, 1205, 1232, 1237, 1342,
1453, 1477
J
Jews, 830, 1066, 1091, 1278,
1312, 1393
Jefferies, Lord Chief Justice,
1 10, 113, 349
Jesters' Court, 217
Johnson, Dr., 167, 374, 415,
501, 577, 578. 579, 636, 637,
816, 954, 1023, 1043, 1044,
1089, 1107, 1169, 1192, 1254,
1406, 1484, 1488, 1546
Jonson, Ben, 3, 123
Judges, 63, 183, 235, 253,
255, 294, 385, 387, 401,439,
442, 447, 465, 469, 495, 498,
499, 510, 618, 619, 648, 668,
721, 759, 760, 783, 868, 871,
1000, 1009, 1010, 1252, 1320,
1337, 1409, M48. 1469, J 527
Juvenile, 72, 114, 117, 204,
232, 354, 376, 396.413, 47i,
49 1 . 503. 508, 509, 516, 605,
613, 615, 671, 708, 719, 728
729, 741, 835, 855, 857, 897,
922, 931. 976, 1006, ion,
1082, 1248, 1297,1425, 1432,
1445, 1450
Kildare, Earl, 103
Killigrew, 107, 263
Knaves, see Thieves
Lawyers, 4, 5, 25, 30, 63, 73,
125, I36, 179, 182, 206, 212,
272, 298, 319, 324, 332, 341,
377, 380, 386, 398, 531, 582,
594, 600, 614, 675. 730, 742,
848, 899, 947, 1052, 1070,
IIOO, IIO3, II20, II85, 1 187,
II95, I206, 1213, 1214, 13 I 7,
1328, I350, I360, I426
M
Merchants, 201, 423, 452, 544,
585, 791, 937
Men of Title, see Noblemen
Miller, Joe, 79, 80, 269, 270
Miscellaneous, 44, 66, 81, 8q,
210, 215, 223, 225, 274, 278,
301, 352, 361, 368, 395, 406,
386
INDEX
410, 454, 459, 4^6, 474. 494,
507, 520, 553, 556, 557- 56o,
564, 573, 574, 58i, 608, 638,
682, 722, 770, 862, 9^9. 972,
997, 1008, 1092, 1097, 1141,
1144, 1146, 1148, 1149, H59>
1166, 1174, 1296, 1299, 1306,
1344, 1412, 1413, 1416, 1422,
1444, 1446, 1458, 1463, 1464,
1472, 1493, 1506, 1510, 1522,
1523, 1532, 1535
More, Sir Thomas, 150, 1284,
1285, 1349, 1504
Musicians, 281, 384, 845,
1035, 1240, 1400, 1420
N
Napoleon, 67, 911, 918, 1102,
1473, 1482
Nash, Beau, 757, 758, 1402
Naval Officers, 12, 18, 163,
257, 373, 390, 39i, 555, 566,
586, 649, 665, 683, 808, 822,
825, 833, 840, 864, 923, 934,
940, 949, 1129, 1210, 1211,
1307, 1530
Negroes, 68, 472, 514, 576,
583, 647, 740, 787, 826, 913,
1051, 1064, 1094, 1245, 1388,
1429, 1534, 1536
Newton, Sir Isaac, 367, 425,
801, 903, 1256, 1338
Noblemen, 3, 82, 86, 87, 88,
92, 102, 133, 134, 141, 146,
148, 169, 252, 254, 268, 303,
405, 440, 444, 445- 485,486,
604, 626, 629, 654 , 700, 705,
752, 754, 771, 774, 794, 803,
827, 842, 856, 867, 879, 882,
909, 994, 995, 1004, 1038,
1249. 1253, 1475, 1476, 1483.
1495, 1507, 1518, 1519, 15^1
Noblewomen, 115, 237, 409,
446, 478, 488, 529, 698, 799,
806, 983, 1068, 1345, 1353,
1355, 1375, 1498
O
Officers, see Army
Painters, 91, 98, in, 120,
184, 400, 667, 904, 1020,
1053, 1081, 1125, 1172, 1301,
1302, 1352, 1401, 1430, 1442,
1443, 1525
Parsons, see Clergymen
Peter, Blind, 311, 312
Philosophers, 112, 132,227,
264, 283, 420, 606, 1042
Physicians, 73, 111, 198,299,
300, 312, 318, 370, 38r, 422,
438, 461, 481, 515, 525,535,
584, 602, 603, 612, 660, 726,
747, 755, 763, 861,884, 885,
916, 920, 959, 960, 961, 965,
1045, 1079, II 45, 1200, 1257,
1263, 1271, 1272, 1279, 1300,
1324, 1340, 1377, 1386, 1396,
1417, 1419, 1441
Pindar, Peter (Dr. Wolcott),
21, 981, 1376
Pitt, William, 622, 655, 776
Poets, 61, 134, 248, 347, 402,
470, 640, 809, 866, 869, 892,
930, 1063, 1116, 1131, 1 153,
i24r, 1329, 1459, 1460, 1461,
1462, 1474, 1481, 1514
Porson, 1 109, 1258 1262
Preachers, see Clergymen
Priests, 9, 91, 105, 149, 259,
316, 456, 575, 597, 756, 778,
792, 1152, 1193, 1228, 1236,
1244, 1289, 1291, 1372, 1373,
1489
INDKX
33?
Publishers, 1077
Pupils, see Scholars
Purcell, Daniel, 309
Q
Quakers, 1, 139, 296, 515,
519, 547, 685, 745, 800, 860,
1028, 1069, 1072
R
Rabelais, 990
Raleigh, Sir Walter, 1132,
i37i
Roache, Sir Boyle, 8, 175,
180. 549
Rocca, 56
Romans, 131, 153, 216, 746
Royalty, 72, 85, 92, 97, 103,
107, 140, 141, 142, 181, 214,
222, 230, 231, 254, 263, 283,
285, 354, 411. 412, 414, 416,
437, 450, 468, 496, 500, 517,
565, 563, 572, 580, 591, 641,
644, 652, 661, 664, 669, 6q9,
702, 706, 738, 769, 773. 777,
784, 793. 796, 798, 802, 807,
812, 813, 816, 819, 820, 828,
836, 844, 852, 864, 875, 878,
880, 890, 901, 902, 907, 921,
925, 932, 946, 955, 984,985,
996, 102 1, 1031, 1047, io 73>
1075, 1076, 1083, 1124, 1134,
1 154, 1164, 117©, 1176, 1180,
1182, 1183, 1204, 1218, 1219,
1229, 1233, 1251, 1274, 1277,
1280, 1286, 1298, 1316, 1366,
1391, I4H, 1421, 1439, 1440,
1468, 1471, 1512, 1517, 1528,
I54L 1545
Sailors, 13, 19, 33, 37, 6g,
261, 305, 3io, 328, 337, 345,
362, 364, 417, 473, 480/504,
546, 554, 569, 646, 656, 663,
672, 739- 75i, 764, 823, 831,
843. 859, 888, 935, 971, 975,
979, 980, 1046, 1078, 1084,
1268, 1273, 1315, 1354, 1505,
1511, 1537
Schoolmasters, see Teach-
ers
Scholars, 138, 151, 177, 240,
265, 279, 709, 710, 1 106,
1110, 1117, 1118, 1261, 1264,
1326, 1395
Scot, John, 147
Scotchmen, 70, 100, 130, 147,
161, 249, 342, 421, 484, 511,
650, 713, 762, 785, 824, 838,
929, 973, 1032, 1088, 1158,
1177, 1370
Selwyn, George, 694, 695,
1027, 1221
Servants, 28, 36, 60, 126, 172,
174, 192, 271, 331, 375, 485,
657, 679, 7ii, 735, 854, 898,
952. 1276, 1387
Sharper, see Thieves
Sheridan, Dr. , 45, 379, 558,
616, 624, 686, 687, 688, 689,
690, 691, 692, 1313, 1494
Sheridan, Mr., 189, 190
Shuter, Ned, 1246, 1281
Sidney, Algernon, 83
Soldiers, 35, 135, 152, 159,
165, 173, !88, 256, 276, 308,
^48, 475, 1062, 1080, 1 123,
1203, 1231, 1305, 1399, MiS,
1509, 1531
Spaniards, 235, 817, 1179,
1466
Spartans, 418, 424, 1130
Spendthrifts, 223
Statesmen, 3, 98, 252, 372,
392, 3Q3, 522, 601, 617, 639,
658, 782, 797, 800, 942, 987,
1037, 1319, 1436, 1516
838
INDEX
Steele, Sir Richard, 2, 162
Sterne, Laurence, 351, 684
Supple, Mark, 322, 323, 327,
35o
Surgeons, see Physicians
Sutton, Sir Robert, 143
Swift, Dean, 15, 16, 185, 433,
492, 518, 523, 550, 632, 633,
634, 635, 829, 895, 1013,
1024, 1122, 1227, 1323, 1365,
1427
Talbot, Lord Chancellor,
246, 247
Taylor, Dr. John, 959
Taxes, 850
Teachers. 160, 199, 242, 265,
364, 3 6 5, 37i, 59 6 . ^78, 818,
1016, 1056, 1071. 1114, 1119,
1121, 1260, 1331, 1332, 1336,
I35L 1397, 1513
Thieves, 96, 108, 109, 127,
273, 561, 642, 653, 767, 945,
956, 1367
Thomas, Isaiah, 508
Tradesmen, 255, 452, 464,
483, 1005, 1341, 1435
Turks, 1247
W
Walpole, Sir Robert, 246,
853, 1207
Welshmen, 94, 106, 213,
532, 559. 567, 744, 917,
1136
Wilson, Charles, 326, 327
Wits, 75, 127, 143, 229, 266,
267, 302, 383, 397, 404, 441,
448, 459. 520, 609, 670, 673,
676, 737, 743, 915, 99 2 . 1012 ,
1104, 1165, 1239, I2 95
Women, 128, 144, 168, 225,
226, 278, 279, 304, 324, 338,
359, 388, 389,399, 436, 443^
502, 521, 563, 588, 607,620,
677, 73i, 786, 795, 810, 832,
849, 858, 914, 926, 939, 944,
950, 974, 1003, 1017, 1056,
IOQI, IO95, II63, II7I, I I 8l ,
U84, 1265, 1288, 1353, I363,
1379, 1398,1403, 1437- M47,
I496
Women of Title, see Noble-
women
Writers, 146. 187, 189, 190,
302, 540, 552, 623, 693,714,
720, 761, 839, 846, 1029,
1067, 1101, 1127, 1128, 1275,
1415, 1423, 1434, 1439
V Y
Voltaire (M. de Arouet), Yokels, see Countrymen
1 160, 1364 " Young People, see Juvenile
LB D '19
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